Trying to take more control.

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!

I can feel it. In my head. Anorexia is trying to take more control.

My perfect picture of eating right. Eating chocolate/crisps/ pizza (haha!!! ?????) is fading.

I want to cheat.
Take the least amount possible
It feels like I could never eat junk food.
I dont feel pepped at all.

Now I just feel worried. Doubting myself

Could I really manage at home? Could I really eat?

Without this picture in my head. It seems like I can't

It seems black, like I'll go home and fall back again

I can't explain it. But I can feel Ana, trying to take more control. Steering my thoughts.

It's so hard to stay strong.
I feel I want to give in and start doing wrong.

But I know I can't. I've come so far. I was on the right track. Thinking so positively.

I do want to give in. Like let Ana have control. It's hard to say no.

I'm doubting myself. Doubting I can do right. Not believing in myself.

But I have to keep going.

Try to stay strong.

But I have no idea how things will go.

I'm scared, angry (Thst anas trying to destroy things again) upset, anxious, nervous...

I don't know what to do.... I want to go out and just prove I can do it, before this fades.

Were always told - when you get that feeling. The feeling when you just know you can eat a pizza. Then do it. Don't wait. Grab that opportunity and the thing is. I'm being told to wait. Told to hold onto this feeling, but Thst I can't actually use this
Positiveness. I have to keep it until another time.
But it's fading. I'm trying yo hold onto it for too long. I'm not getting a chance to use it, so it's going.

Does anyone even understand what I'm writing about? What I'm going through?
Or is it just a jumbled mess

It's me basically, riting my mind out. exactly whatnot thinking/feeling/going through....

It's so hard to understand