Something's not right

Everything feels so weird.
I feel so lost. And upset.

I haven't felt like this in ages.

After dinner I finally got a hold of mum. I was expecting she'd come today - she said she would.
But she said she couldnt. She was too tired.
I understood that, she had come several times during the weekend, which I'm glad for. But I was disappointed. I was looking forward to
Her visiting.
So I started crying. Mum thought I was crying cus I was being selfish, just thinking about myself. Not caring about mum, that she has to take Care of herself aswell. I understood that, I just got upset.
Then she started saying, that I had to decide to get better, that I couldn't do
This if I wasn't willing to try.
That made me cry more, I have decided. I want to get better. I'm willing to try. And I am.

But while talking to mum I realized how tired I was.
How many more months of this? Will I spend summer 2011 in hospital. Sick.
If I'm not at Mando, I'll be at some other clinic.
And if I am home, I'll just be unhappy.

I can't do this any longer,there's no light left. I can't take another day of this, I'm just not strong enough to fight any longer.
I want to give in and just die.

No more fighting. I'm too weak.

After talking to mum I stayed in a lab, upset until my night snack, and then I went into a warm room after my night snack. Wanting to be on my own.

Finally we got to go to our rooms. I felt so weird. All hangy. Not sure what I was supposed to do. I felt I would burst into tears at any moment.
I just like sat on the edge of the bed staring into space.

Atleast, so far I've avoided arguments.

My life feels so depressing. I just don't want to fight this anymore, but I don't want to be sick either.

I'm lost.

There's been absaloutly nothing good about today.

Been a pretty horrible Monday altogether.

I just have to wish that the rest of the week goes well, instead.

Good night everyone.
Sleep tight:)