Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Today was my meeting with SCÄ.

I had no idea what to expect, and i dont think i could have imagined it.
  The building reminded me very much of the irish hospital i had been in. It was like an institution. veyr much like a hospital. one of thoose old hospital, like you see in thoose 60's movies. Thoose mental hospitals.

When i got there, my good mood faded. i started feeling panicked. stressed. all these bad thoughts coming.

You just ate an ice cream. you're not fucking sick. and i started hating my body. realsing how fat i am. horrible. horrible. horrible.
   and i thought i was free from these thoughts? (Ok, i know im not... but when i dont have the thoughts. it feels like im free.)

All i wanted to do was run away frmo the building, i didnt want to sit there. i couldnt sit.

I also relaised. i dont want to change treatment centre. I really dont want to.

Its too much.  going from one place to another. isnt it best to just  stay here at Mando?

Me and mum talked to a doctor and the chief there, talked through the treatment.

It looks a bit like this -

Me and mum would both stay at the centre. id be there for atleast 2 weeks. and up till 6 weeks or so.

  We eat 6 meals a day. and mum would be with me for every meal.

We get lunch and dinner served there, and then me and mum have to manage on our own for the snacks and breakfast.

 There are 4 different alternatives for the snacks and breakfast which you can choose from (DONT LIKE THAT) and then you take that from the kitchen.
  But i dont like that. i want a meal plan which is designed for me. so its calculated for me. and i like using measuring cups. i dont want to just pour the yoghurt....?

It seems like they most focus on, being able to eat my meals with the family. But i dont need that help anymore.
  that works well now.

Like they hardly spoke about weight, meal plans, dietiatian, resting.... it was just... being able to eat my meals with the family.

But is that such a problem? No, not really.
   I  mean, yes.... i do still haev issues with food. but in time, with more training. it'll pass.
  But training as in eating the food,

Its mainly my activity. but thats slowly being kicked out of me....

I dont know.... i know im not healthy. but i dont know what help i need.
  What more can Mando do for me? What can SCÄ do for me?

I just dont know. they were talking about me being admitted right away.
   But instead.... next week we decided. we get a few days to decide what we want to do.

But ive decided - i dont want to go there. it cant help me.

My activity will increase, as its just focus on food. but thats not what i need. i need the focus to be taken away from food, and for me to focus on something else. for them to help me in some other way. not jsut being able to eat.....

And spending 24/7 with my mum that'll just cause arguements. and as i dont want to go there, i wont be so willing to follow the plan.

And i dont know how it would go with my meals... maybe thigns would go worse. because im not comfortable eating without knowing i haev the right measurements. and i would eat food which someone else has decided. its not alternatives which have been calculated for me, not a meal plan ive decided i want to eat.
   and mum would plate up my lunch and dinner. and i dont even know what type of food i would get there? would it be like, cocktail sausages/chips/burgers/battered fish/pasta and cheese.... like you know hospital food?

I just dont know. I know thoose are just anorexia worries. but what happens if i go there, and suddenly my eating habits become worse?

I jsut have to wait here in HDV now, and see what happens.

I dont even know if im still allowed here at Mando, i mean its been decided that i move. but i jsut dont think its worth it. i dont think it will help and i think it will jsut cause arguements with my mum.....
   and i dont want that.

So im gonna try to make my point heard... but i dont think it will do much.

Thats what i thought about SCÄ anyway.... anyone have any questions... feel free to comment :)


  1. I know people who's been to scä and mando or capio. Maybe you can ask them some questions? <-- mando then scä <-- scä then capio <-- both scä, mando and capio

    You can try and see if they want to answer your questions. Maybe they don't want to talk about it and maybe they want ;)

  2. I think it's really good that you know what will and won't work for you, like even though you haven't been the happiest with mando you're still willing to keep going with it. I actually think that's probabally a good decision, you're doing so well and getting so much healthier so quickly! And I think if you talk to them enough and make sure they know your points, they'll be willing to listen. And that does seem really hard not having such a specific plan, without measuerments. Its strong of you to know your limits like that :) Do you know what your mum thinks of it, did you really get to talk with her about what you both think about switching?

    Even if the meeting wasn't all that great, at least you did get time out? Like, with the ice cream, that sounds really nice :) Even if you had a little anxiety later on, at least you were able to eat it! You're just getting so much better all the time its amazing :)

    My day was really quite average. Go to school.. come home.. not eat until dinner, and then of course mom brings home supplies for root beer floats.. agh. And I just had a big 4 page essay to write, just finished that so its off to bed for me. Too tired to spend more time studying for tomorrow's maths test, its 1:30 AM :) Other stuff that happened.. hmm. We got our band placement results for next year, I got second chair of the top band, which I should be happy about but I'm super super mad that I didn't get first. Like, I should be that good by now. I have a ton of pressure to be better than the person ahead of me.. i'm supposed to be better than him by now. And my mum and lots of other people think I am. But why is he a higher chair? Well he is a year above me.. so that probabally plays a role too. :/ Sorry that was just a really long band rant... it happens quite often :) And the school isn't going to allow me to take two foreign languages next year. So no french class for me :( only japanese. Oh well, french will have to wait for college I guess, I'm currently taking Swedish online and I don't want to be taking two online courses at the same time :) haha. I'm such a language spaz.. :)

    So that was my day. Nothing special. Hope today goes well for both of us! :) Good night to me.. and good morning to you! :)