Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, May 2, 2011

Not as bad.

Ive realised.
   this time.... things arent as bad.

Like my thoughts arent as in control. This time, i want to get better.

Last time i was in HDV - 6 weeks ago. after Christmas, my thoughts had control. they were stopping me from getting better. i didnt want to get better. i had decided, i would cheat, exercise, anything to lose weight.
  i believed i was a fat cow, and i had decided that i wasnt going ot get better. i wasnt even going to try. i gave in to 'anorexia'

This time. ive hit rock bottom. ive had enough.

I dont exactly think im small or thin i still see just fat horrible, horrible. But soemwhere, i believe, or can see, that im not fat. that im actually thin. its hard to believe it. trying ot tell myself, that its ok to gain wieght. but somewhere i know it.
  im still scared,  i still dont want to go up in weight.

but ive had enough

i want to fight the anorexia. i want to get bettter.

Like when i get to go home. i accept mums help.

that she'll sit with me, helpp me with my meals. i want that help. i need it, i accept it.

Ok, easier to write here. each time i ve said the same thing.

its ok, mum can help me. but once i got a chance, i did anything to keep her awya from eating with me

But this time i want the help. almost looking forawrd to it. coming home, eating dinner with mum and Pearl, not making a fuss. eating my snacks with mum, not cheating.
   i want that. i want to get better.

Willing to give i a go. i cant come back to HDV.

Yes - ill hate my body.
Yes - it will be hard, and it wont go 100% all the time. but im going ot make it work

Is nice to know, that my thoughts dont have as much control as the last time. they're not as strong.

The thoughts are strong when it comes to the activity. i still find it hard to relax, but ive made changes. i have to sit, for atleast a half hour before i have to go up and do seomthing.
   i go to bed eaerlier, wake up later.

i still wake up and feel horrible, wish that i didnt have another day of eating.

but i jstu want to get through this and get better.

And its nice knowing that im goin to try....


  1. It's great to see that you're motivated for change. It is so hard and so painful but everyone who is other the other side of this says it is so worth it and that they would never ever go back to how things were with ED. You know what it feels like to be with ED, bt you don't know exactly what it feels like to live a life free of ED. Yeah, he tells you that yu will be miserable and fat and unhappy but you don't realyl know until you try it. All we can do is try and give it a shot, and if we don't like it, our eating disorder will always be there waiting for us. We need to at least give it a shot, because it will probably be better than we think. Change is scary, but this change could be worth more than anything. I give you so much credit for being committed to trying to get better, I am still in the works but am hoping to get closer as each day comes and goes. Hang in there, you're so strong and deserve so much better. xo

  2. OMG yay! It is sooo difficult but it's so good that you're up for the challenge. Keep this positive mindset. Whenever you have a bad day look back at this post and remember why you want and need to recover. That's what I do when I'm having a bad day and it really is motivating. I'm so proud of you hun! Stay strong :)

  3. This is a great change in attitude :) keep it going, I know you'll make it through this. You're so strong for getting through this for so long, not giving up on it.

    Working on a poetry anthology right now for my english class, just thought I'd share a really nice poem I'm including in it:

    by Raymond Carver

    So early it's still almost dark out.
    I'm near the window with coffee,
    and the usual early morning stuff
    that passes for thought.

    When I see the boy and his friend
    walking up the road
    to deliver the newspaper.

    They wear caps and sweaters,
    and one boy has a bag over his shoulder.
    They are so happy
    they aren't saying anything, these boys.

    I think if they could, they would take
    each other's arm.
    It's early in the morning,
    and they are doing this thing together.

    They come on, slowly.
    The sky is taking on light,
    though the moon still hangs pale over the water.

    Such beauty that for a minute
    death and ambition, even love,
    doesn't enter into this.

    Happiness. It comes on
    unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,
    any early morning talk about it.

    I'm not quite sure why I'm putting that here.. but I just think it's a really beautiful poem and so hopeful :) hope tomorrow goes well.