Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, May 15, 2011

No more self harm.

I've realized, it's been several weeks since I last self harmed. Whar a relief.
I mean.I never actually wanted to hurt myself. I don't understand why I did. Well I do. It was a way to release my emotions and feelings.
But soon it was an addiction. Somedays I just self harmed cus I would see the razor lying there.... Ughhhhh. I hope I've stopped for good.

I don't want any more scars. The scars I have now are fading, it's mainly the ones on my legs and my most recent burn scar which are visible. It's nice to know they're fading.

And im so glad the suicide thoughts have stopped :) it's such a relief...
To not think about death all the time. Plotting ways to kill myself, just waiting for the right time.
To be able to be somewhere and not think - I'm gonna jump infront of the moving car. Jump off a bridge. Hang myself etc etc.
It was awful to have those thoughts... Worst thing possible. the thoughts were so strong. Making me do stuff I always regretted afterwards.

And I can honestly say. I never want to over dose again. That was one of my worst hospitalizations. Being rushed in the ambulance. Drinking those horrible mixtures.
No energy left. Basically half dead, but not yet there. it was awful.

For a while I thought about ODing again. But taking even more pills.... But those thoughts are gone. And I'm so glad.

I never want them back. I never want to do myself harm, I never want to kill myself and I never want to OD again.

I'm glad I've stopped wishing for death. Every night praying that this would be my last...

3 comments:

  1. That's so great :) You're improving so much lately!!! I'm so happy that you kept pushing through the tough times, because now look where you are- just getting better and better every day :)

    I really wish I've had more time to comment lately, its just been so busy. Things haven't been going well for me at all. The depression is worse than ever, and I never want to eat anymore. It's so hard. Been under so much stress lately too, I have so much expected of me at the moment. Had a state level music competition yesterday that I actually did really well in, got the highest ranking. But I wasn't even all too excited about it, mostly I was pretty pissed that day about bad stuff going on and all the stress. I have a ton of huge school projects at the moment too, all due in the next few weeks. Been getting in tons of fights with mum. And I am so sick of my "friends", there has been really bad social stuff going on. Including one of my best friends calling me a bi*** behind my back. Which I was shocked at, first because why would someone call me that at all and two because it was the person I thought of as my best friend. She knew, and still knows (besides you :)) more about me than anyone. I totally trusted her more that anyone. She was the one that knew about my anorexia and depression earlier this year, and pulled me out of it for a little while. So that was really shocking to find out, its been really hard. Like, I have absolutely nobody that I can trust right now. And theres been other social stuff going on besides that, everything is just really really screwed up right now. So I usually just stay away from everyone now, sit in the corner doing my work during breaks and stuff. I actually kinda like it like that, its more peaceful and relaxing and I can focus on my work instead of being distracted by my friends. So that's just a tiny bit of what's been going on right now... wow, I just looked over everything I just wrote and its kind of a lot :) well, I have a few days of not commenting to catch up on I guess ;)

    So that's how things have been going at the moment (or a little bit of it, I guess). On a more related note to your post... My suicidal thoughts have been less serious lately. Like, they're definitely there, but I would never actually do it at the moment because of this trip to Austria coming up. I'm so happy for you that yours are gone :) Its such a burden taken off. And the self-harm too :) It's so good that you've stopped doing it. I self-harm occasionally, just when things get way too bad to handle though. Like, my head is just so full of stuff that it's just going to burst and I can't handle it, so I need some way to let it out I guess. I just started self-harming a couple months ago. Well, earlier this year like around September I think, I would scratch myself. And I never actually considered it self harm, but looking back on it it definitely was. I still have the scars from it, and I think that they will never go away. And recently I've been cutting myself like on my waist (so nobody can see when I'm swimming). But I try not to do it very often, I think I've only cut about 5 or 6 times overall. And I only do it when it's really bad (like tonight :/).

    Gosh this is a really long comment it couldn't fit in one, continued in the next comment..........

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  2. .................Continued from the previous comment..... (I can't believe I wrote this much!)


    Well, that was longer than expected again. I guess I just needed to let it out, had a lot going on lately that I can't really talk to anybody about. I've never actually told anyone about my self-harm before, its a relief to finally let it out. This was a very depressing comment I guess :/ But I am so happy for you that things are going well! Keep going with the improvements, you're getting so much better really fast :) And on another lighter note, I had a lot of fun watching Eurovision this year they were all really good :) haha. I live in America and I watch Eurovision. I'm a bit of a Europe geek :) And it rained here today, we were at the farmers market and then all of a sudden it started pouring on us and we had forgotten an umbrella :) So that was fun.

    Aah I keep rambling on tonight!!! haha :D Well I'll stop typing now because I really should be getting to bed now, its 12:30 here. And I should get sleep, tons to do tomorrow. So have a good Monday, keep improving, I'll try to comment tomorrow :)

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  3. That's so good! It's a progress! I'm happy for you!
    Love, A! <3

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