Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm just waiting for the next chapter of my life

It's just Tuesday today... Time is going too slowly.
It doesn't go fast enough.

Today it was rounds however, so the doctor came and talked to me.
Now... I'm just waiting for scä. The next treatment centre I'm going to. I'm waiting for them to contact mum, to make arrangements.
The plan Is that me and mum will both be admitted there. Will live there (not sure if it's a house/room/ what it is?) and they'll watch us, or something. See how me and mum act. How I am around food. How our connection and relationship is.
I don't really understand it. Scä don't work the same way as Mando. I just have to wait and see. So much waiting.
I havent even been to the treatment clinic. :/

I made my want heard though. I told the doctor that I wanted to stay at Mando. But he said that as I've been here for nearly a year, and most of that time I've been an inpatient (including when I stayed down at the hotel).
Like it hasn't worked out at home. So they think it's best I try something new.

I'm still too underweight to be allowed home. And of course they don't believe I can do it at home. So I have to stay here at Mando. Follow the treatment and keep progressing.
And basically I just have to leave Mando with this new change. And will to get better and hope that things work out at scä.

I also found out today, that over the Easter break. The 5 days or what it was, I lost 5kg. It's hard to believe. That I could lose do much, in so little time and not even notice. it wasn't until the night I was admitted to HDV that I looked at my body and was like - when the fuck did this happen?

And the 6 weeks which I was day patient, I just kept losing weight.
In all honesty. I can't believe I was so stupid, to let that happen.

But I didn't even notice myself, I don't understand how I can lose so much in such small spaces. That's what keeps happening. That's why the doctors are so worried with me. I can go from 50kg till 45kg in a matter of days... And I don't even realize it.

I have no idea what my weight was when I was admitted again, but I'm thinking somewhere round 40kg. It sucks. It means I have way too much to gain. And it takes longer to gain weight then lose....

So my mind is very confused at the moment. I'm angry and upset.

Bur on the upside I got my favourite dish for lunch -
    fish, rice and tomato sauce. :D
    And I did a maths test which went really well. And then tonight I get visitors - my mum :)

3 comments:

  1. When I stoped to eat, it was like 2 weeks ago i losed 1 kg every day, I eat now, but I gonna stop to eat again, Beacause after I had went down some kg, I feelt beutifuller. And people saw that I had ben thiner and they said that I was Beutifull. But its hard to not eat, because people that I know and meet every week in a group in "church" know that I dont eat and complain every time, Im scared that they will tell my mum about it, I dont want to be a diccipontment to her.. But when I have eat they dont belivie me, so I know how hard it can be that people dont trust you, Its harder for you, you have more eyes on you, but I hope you get well, I read your blog everyday, You are strong!!! Hugs from Elin (sweden)

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  2. I'm the last person who should be saying this, considering what I've done, 'but dont listen to Ana.'
    Do you really want to live your life 'just bones'?

    Your more beautiful with curves, of course I don't know you... So wouldn't know what you look like or anything.... But Anas wrong.

    'really I should listen to my own words' - but I'm trying.

    Even though I want to lose weight, I'd love to go back to 40kg and less... With no stomach,no flab, could feel and see all my bones... But I'm not gonna let that happen. :(

    Are you in treatment or anything? Or getting help? Or are you pro Ana? Just wondering :)

    Thank you for reading my blog :)

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  3. Ehm, no im not on any treatment, I just want to be smaller, I dont like food anymore, I can eat, but I hate the feeling after I been eating.
    Some people know that I dont eat so much and tells me to eat more, but why say it to me, I mean I´m not thin, NOt on long ways, But I understand that they are worried about my helth. I wish people didn´t care, and only let me to do what I feels is right. Hugs!//Elin

    ReplyDelete