Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I want today to end, but I don't want tomorrow to begin.

My day has been tiring. :(

Things went really well this morning, ate in record time and absaloutly no cheating :) that makes me happy.

Then my mum came after my ten snack to take me to BUP where I have a meeting today. I was supposed to use a wheelchair, but we can't fit it in the car. So got to go with out it. But my case manager was NOT happy. Next time she doesn't know if I can go to BUP.
When we arrived there, The woman I go to talk to was like, aren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair? we explained to her, not this time. But it was something like she didn't believe us, or doubted us or something.

Me and mum believe that my case manager has called her and really drilled into her, scared her. No activity. Too sick. Wheelchair.

When I spoke to the woman I made more of an effort to look at her, smile and to really talk and explain how I was feeling. Telling her how I really do want to get berthed. And Thst things are easier for me.

But she didn't really believe me. No one does. It feels like everyone should notice, see- I want yo get better. And things are going well for me. Easier but no one does. I don't know what they see.... ?

The woman, she kept mentioning how how I needed to be healthier and I'm still too thin.

But I feel healthy. Ok, not 100% normal healthy. but healthier. And I'm not that thin.
I don't feel so thin, it's not like I feel fat either. Normal I suppose.

Like with the wheelchair. I don't understand why I'm in it. I've never had to be in it before, not even when I was thinner than now.
Like I seriously wonder how much I weigh. I have no idea.
But I do know, my goal weight is a looooong way off. and it does really suck.

Then it was time to go back to Mando - aaaaarrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!

We came back 12.30 so it wasn't until 12.45 I had lunch. I hate eating later. It makes all the other meals so packed :/

While I ate lunch my mum was having a meeting with my case manager. No idea why or what about. I'm seriously nervous. I just hope mum rings later and explains.


I then lay in the rest room for an hour, and listened to my belly rumbling. I was so nervous, what wwas going on at the meeting?
   In the end i lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks. why does no one see im getting better? i just want to be home. im tired of sitting here. letting ym life slip away. im ready to jump back into my life. im ready to start living it.
  i dont want to waste anymore of my time here. i want to be out,enjoying my life.

Im trying to show it. im trying to show i can be trusted.... but no one sees it.
  I just lay there in the resting room for an hour. just thinking. it was nice. no one watching me....


When it came to my three snack, when i was measuring up my yoghurt, suddenly this staff, from two tables away was like Thats not right. you didnt take enough. Oh yes i did.
   It was right. how could she see from two tables away? i looked at the other staff, but no one else had seen. i was neraly in tears. i had done right. i hadnt cheated. i would haev felt embarrassed/guilty if i actually cheated. but this time, she accused me of something i didnt do. so i just got angry.
   but then two minutes later, she gave out to another girl who when i looked, hadnt done wrong either.

So its just like, F**K HER. I did right and i know i did:)

Thats my day so far.... interesting much ...
  No, but im glad i got to come out today :)

I got a face mask and this blue like top/blouse thing frmo mum which she had bought. so im glad about that:)

2 comments:

  1. Omg that is so frustrating being accused of something you didn't do especially because she is in a position of authority so you basically have no defense against her. I hope the rest of the day goes well and that Mando hires a better staff in the future!

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  2. Man brukar säga att föräldrarna och de som inte är sjuka är de som blir friskas sist. De har lärtsig att inte lita på att man gör rätt och är på väg åt rätt håll. Det är jobbigt, men du får ge dem lite tid att bygga upp ett förtroende igen. Huvudsaken är ju att du vet att du gör rätt eftersom det är du som kommer att vinna på det i slutändan :)
    Synd att vi bara hann säga hej till varandra idag.
    Kram

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