Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, May 23, 2011

hard to accept the truth

its hard to accept the fact, that its good that im in HDV and that this is what i need.

Im still trying to tell myself, i dont need this.

But i know.... well i needed it anyway. this visit again. but now i know.

i dont need it anymore.

ive been home.

Its easy at home. its easier then at Mando.

which no one believes.

its easy to eat at home. its easier to sit at home. i can do ti at home. and i know that now.

But no one believes that i can do it at home.... its hard trying to accept the fact that  needed this.

Nearly a month of HDV now. I wonder how thigns would have gone if i didnt come back here? well i would ahev continued standing..... i dont think i would have followed my meal plan.
   but there was hte chance... that i would have come further? started doing more activites? guitar lessons? writing courses.... gotten more out of my life?

Now..  i jsut want to get away frmo here.

I want to go out and lie on a beach sometime this week, and take an ice cream for my snack. my choice to eat ice cream. to lie in the sun.
   but my case manager doesnt believe i could eat ice cream (but i already have) and she stil doesnt want to let the wheelchair go..... ill never get out of here.

no believes me... no one believes my truth.


  1. Try to remember, was it nearly as good as you describe it? Would you have started guitar lessons? Writing lessons? Would you have managed them? Or would you have hopped off with the excuse that you don't like them anymore? Focus, would you really want to throw it al,l away? And the reason why no one believes you is that you don't believe yourself what you have written. Are you sure that things do work at home? You have only been there for a couple of hours. Relax, you still have time to prove that you can do more, you have the 24 hour permission. There you will really see if you can do it at home or not. And maybe not even after this permission. It's another thing having someone by you all the time telling you what to do. A comfort. But at home, it's another thing. You are alone. You are fighting alone, against yourself, with yourself. Give it a go, time heals all the scars. And right now it's exactly what you need, let the time do it's thing. As long as you prove what you say, that means.
    I don't want to be hard on you but that is how I see it. You have many times said that you can manage things yourself but then again you fall back. And you can't go back to square one everytime. Don't hurry, take it easy. If you take it slow now, you'll get better faster.
    Lots of love and support, A. <3

  2. Its good that you're trying to accept it, because it is true I think, like what A said. I think you can potentially do it. But the question is will you? Do you believe your truth?

    I believe that you can do it. It's hard and takes so much effort, but you can. Nevertheless, I think you will have to be patient with all of this, but all those things you want- they WILL come in time :) And the staff might not be seeing as much progress as you, but they can't see into your thoughts. They have no way of knowing for sure that you turned around. So again, you'll just have to be patient with them, work through it, they'll see the change in you eventually :)

    Not much to tell about my day.. it was just pretty average. Work, flute practice, anxiety after dinner. The usual.

    Hang in there, you'll make it out of there, and even if you do have to stay longer you just have to keep trying to accept that it is for the better :)

  3. Really, I think you're right. Things didn't work at home. I wouldn't have started any courses or lessons. I was sinking back letting Ana have all control.
    I wouldn't have gotten better. It's hard to accept that fact I'm still trying to tell myself that. I could have done it on my own - but I so clearly couldn't.

    And you're completely right... I've just been home a few hours... Thst doesn't mean I can suddenly make it at home. But I know, things won't go 100% everyday anyway.
    And until I do my 24hrs, I'll never know if I can actually make it. But they really are taking things slow with me....

    And I know... I've said I can make it, too many times to count. But this time I know I can... But sure? Thst could just be lies?

    Thanx for reading my blog :)

  4. Hmm... No one does seem to believe me? I suppose it's hard to? I'm starting to not believe myself either.... Just cus no one else does?
    But I have time to prove everyone wrong...

    Did I tell you that I used to play the flute? I'm not yo sure. But I gave it up.....