im not spending my days counting calories obsessing over food.
But the thing is... i wont let myself sit down and relax. No no no.
i always have to tense muscles, sit straight, fidget, move my legs..... i cant be still.
I dont actually know how to describe it, how to explain it.
But its like... i know i can eat chocolate. eat a 99 ice cream. Ben and jerrys. Pizza.I know on a saturday night, i could eat a pizza. maybe not a whole. but a half. i know i could and in all honesty, i dont know why im thinking like this.
i dont know what happened.
And i dont even have any bad thoughts about thinking like this.
Before,if i ever thought food tasted good. id have to like punish myself.
I know i can go out and eat a chocolate muffin.
But i know... i cant sit still for more than 10 minutes
And the thing is over activity is just as much an illness as not eating.
I dont see how this could ahev happend. i started with bullimi. i started purging my food before i started reducing it. or i had started reducig, but it wasnt as obvious, and then i stoppd eating. started exercising more.
and then when i started at Mando. my activity startedd more. to like compensate for eating.
So its fucking Manda that has made me incapable of sitting.
Urrrggghhh and this is the worst treatment. imm watched 24/7 cant go up to go to my bag. cant do anything. all my small movements are being stopped. urrrghhh.... this is the worst ever. its hard to believe that this is for the best.
BUt im just going to take things head on.
at the end of all of this. ill be able to eat again, cus i can do that now. an ill be able to sit.
So i just have to accept the tears, the anger, the pain, the hurt.
ill get through this.
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