Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Control issues

All of this - it's just about control.



I don't have control over my life. I dint have control over anything, so I'm trying to take control over something else.

It started by purging. Not sure why I did. Then I started controlling my eating. Just skipping meals. Then I started controlling my weight. It wasnt weight issues at the start. I wanted to lose weight, even though I had never had those thoughts before. I was ugly and wrong and had to change. But it was a relief to be able to control myself, to be able to decide what I ate and how little. No one else had a say or made the decision.
Then I started to control my pain, by self harming.

Now however, I've let go of the control of food. I'm following my meal plan. I'm not cheating. I'm going up in weight.
I don't have control of my weight.

So instead, I'm taking control over my activity. instead. I'm exercising.

I think over activity is one of the hardest to get rid of. You can put me on bedrest, but that wont eliminate activity. I mean, I think I need an electric collar, so you can buzz it each time I get up.

It's like, I know have an activity problem. But I don't accept it. This is how I was with the food before. I knew I had a problem. But I didn't accept it.

I didn't accept the help. So I didnt get better.

Abd this time it's the same. But with activity. Food isn't so much a problem

I'll never get better. there'll always be something.

It's all just control.

I just need to find a healthier way, a healthier thing to try to control.

The worst thing is. Until I actually start working, start admitting and accepting and trying to work on sitting and my activity. I'll never get better.

I've just realised today, how much I must trigger the other patients. I'm surprised they haven't slapped me yet. I would.

All I do is think about myself, what about the other patients who hate being still aswell?

2 comments:

  1. Control does seem to be the 'fun' part of an eating disorder, but in reality you're actually losing the control you have as it's the voice in your head controling you, not you.

    Keep telling yourself that :) Good luck with the exercise. I used to pace a lot (wrote about it on my recent 'craziness of ana' post on my blog) but somehow i managed to reduce it then stop altogether and it got easier to deal with :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I found that in recovery, in choosing health and happiness over the eating disorder, there started to be a sense of control and satisfaction in that in itself - in being able to be strong and fight the thouhgts. Hope that you are ok. Stay strong! you CAN beat this:)

    ReplyDelete