Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, May 29, 2011

change what i see.

When i got back to mando for dinner. things went a bit wrong.
   I got fish, but i didnt want fish. i had had fsh for lunch aready... and my stupid case manager ouldn let me change. :(
  Then when i measured up my juice it was slightly off. when i took the vegetables i ended up taking the water with it, and then i got told off for rushing about. (But thats cus i was stressed. i didnt want the fish and i was angry and annoyed about being given out to.)
 
When i lay the rest room all i could hear in my head was I cant do this. i cant do this. i want to get away from here. i was nearly in tears. I wanted to jump up and scream.
   And it was jsut cus I had been given out to. and the thing was... what will they think now? I can be trusted. i did everything right at home, so why do i have to come back and things go wrong?
   What will my case manager think? im so worried.... and im getting stressed and angry at myself. jsut sitting and waiting, not knowing what she'll say. :/
   But i'll have to wait till tomorrow, until shes seenm y activity reuslts.... Uh oh?


I seriously dont want to eat my night snack tonight... first off, i dont want any of my alternatives... they're all so blah.


But also -

I HATE MY BODY.

I feel so aaaahhhhh.... i have 'rolls' on my belly. i can feel the fat there. i can see the fat there.

no more wieght gain? no more eating. no more sitting.


I dont want to see my body. i dont want ot deal with it. i want to turn my mind off.
   Things are hard right now...... just these few moments.

Suddenly everythings hitting me, like a train.

How much weight have i gained? how much do i wiegh? too many calories. too much sitting. i want to burn calories.
   i dont want ot be at Mando. i dont want to eat....

can these thoughts/these moments please pass?



3 comments:

  1. Stay strong hun! All of these things are your ED speaking not you, and that thing is NOT a friend of yours even if it may feel like it at times :/

    Eat your snack tonight to prove that you can manage. It will be difficult but I know you can find the strength within you to do it hun <3

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  2. Well, even if your night wasn't so good, at least you had a great time at home today! It sounds like it was really nice, just getting to be there and be relaxed with your family. Just remember those good times when you're having tough parts of your day like this :) And don't let those thoughts take over you, everything has been going so well! It's good, everything you're doing differently. Things are getting better :) Don't let those thoughts take over!

    I had a pretty terrible day today.. not to be negative or anything :) haha. We went to eat Crepes for breakfast :D yummy. Mine was strawberry banana nutella. But of course, its not possible to just enjoy eating it. Such anxiety before/during/after. But at least we walked because it was a little cafe down the street from our house. So after that we came back home and I practiced flute for about 40 minutes, it went pretty well today practicing. Much better than yesterday :) I finally kind of realized, I need to play for myself. Like, I've been under so much stress and pressure to improve and make it into all these programmes and all that... I kind of stopped playing for myself, and started playing just for the achievements and my teacher's approval and all that. Lost the fun in it. So after my breakdown yesterday from all that stress built up, I decided. I'm playing because I want to, and I love it. And when I realized that, my playing actually sounded loads better than before. So that was a pretty important breakthrough today :D But I was still nervous for my lesson because I haven't been practicing as much as I should this week (culminating in last night). But it was actually not too bad. Like, she could definitely tell that I was under a ton of stress and wasn't quite as good as usual, but she understood it and all, and knows that I'm going to keep working hard.

    So the bad part of the day was the car rides.. because it's an hour drive to my lesson and another hour back. So the ride up was kind of weird. I'm not quite sure why. My mom and I just haven't quite been on the same page today. And then like at one point we were talking about the ballet we went to yesterday, and she was saying how she was worried about one of the dancers up there, that she looked too skinny. Which kind of hurt me, thinking oh so you notice her but not me.. but at the same time, how would she know what I'm doing? I'm always wearing sweaters and jeans and all.. so i don't know, that was just kind of weird though. And then on the ride back home, we decided to stop at Ikea (it's like a swedish store with mainly furniture and things, has other stuff as well, not sure if you have them?). But we aren't really familiar with the area, we ended up getting lost in this kind of dangerous city. And then we got on some tunnel that ended up going underwater to this island in the bay.. haha. And I knew the streets to go on, like if she hadn't turned on the one to the island we would have gotten to the ikea. But she didn't listen to me. So we ended up driving about an hour trying to figure out how to get out of the city.. and she was yelling at me pretty much the whole time, big fight. And it was really scary too, apparently its a really violent place like with people shooting each other and all that.. so I was totally freaked out and wanted to get out of there. So we never ended up finding the Ikea.. and we went home in a bad mood and fighting. :/ So that was not good. At least I got sushi for dinner :)

    And of course, I'll totally tell you about Austria :) Not weird at all. It's nice having someone that understands me and I can tell all this to :) Even if we are half a world away haha.

    Having one of my really long comment days I guess, continued onto next coment... :)

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  3. Continued from previous... (only a little left, it just didn't fit by about 100 characters)


    Hope things are well, have a great monday :) We have tomorrow off from school, it's a holiday tomorrow, Memorial Day. So i'll have a hopefully relaxing day at home :) Try to keep those bad thoughts away (yeah i know kind of hypocritical coming from me..), you're getting so much better! And your meeting on Tuesday right? Looking forward to that? :)

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