Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Big/small?



I can't even tell anymore. I feel huge. and each time I look into something remotely reflective I feel I look like an elephant. Taking up loads of space. To big to fit into anything.
But then sometimes I can look at my arms, or my legs and actually see, I'm too skinny.

It all depends. But it's so annoying. How do others see me? Cus I so clearly can't see myself right.
I can't trust my own eyes.

But at the same time, it's like do I really care? does it matter if I'm big or small? In the end, it's just weight, just a number.

But at the moment, I don't know my weight I actually have no clue what it could be. But I mean, I feel happy. I feel good. I have energy.

Isn't that what counts? If the weight works for you?
Like do I really gave to go up anymore then?
I mean, I can't say I'm happy with my body. There is a part of me which wants to be thinner and fall back down to my goal weight, the weight which I had set for myself and said I wouldn't lose anymore, and which I reached. 40kg I said once I was 40. No more weightless. but of course, when I was 40, I wanted to be 35kg.
So there is a part of me which wants to be 40 again. I try to tell myself I was happy. With baggy clothes. Grey skin. Dark eyes, greasy limp hair. No energy. Not happy. Depressed. No life.
Anas trying to tell me, when I was happiest. Prettiest. but I know it isn't.
I'm happy now. Not completely happy. But better.





Do i want to be that ^ ?

Or this -



But in the end. I don't think it should matter my weight, or if I'm big or small. It should be whether I'm happy or not. And whether I have the energy to live.

*** I woke up to a nasty surprise today. My shorts no longer fit, or there too tight. (they were loose before I was admitted) and my thighs were .... Blah. Blah. Blah. hard to choose what to wear.

I just have to let go. Let go of my clothes. There evil reminders of what I was not what I am.

But it's so hard to let go of my comfort clothes and it doesn't help that at Tge moment, I don't have enough to go shopping, and Thst I need to throw away my whole wardrobe.

potatoe sacks it is then :)

5 comments:

  1. i know what you mean. At my lowest weight I had moments when i would look in the mirror and be shocked at what i saw. So skinny! And yet the more i looked the fatter I seemed to appear. Crazy! But like you say, happiness is what's important, that's what i try to remember on tougher days :)

    And the whole clothes fitting thing is one of the hardest parts of recovery. i still need to get rid of my tiny clothes, they are just too tempting :S Strange to think they used to fall down and be held up by a belt that also didn't fit me lol!

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  2. I gave my old clothes to charity. Do so yourself, you will really feel better! :D

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  3. You look vibrant and alive in the second photo. Yur hair is shiny and your skni is beautiful, but the prettiest things are your smile and your eyes - they radiate joy. I agree - happiness is a billion times more important than looks. It is harder to believe than to say....but i think it really is true.

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  4. ahhh the first photo doesn't show :/

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  5. I think ive deleted it.. some photos i put out i think we're triggering so ive gone through some o my photos.. like my self harm photos, i think ive taken them down.
    I want this to be a positive blog.. but at the same time, i do want to show the cons.
    equences.. but even for myself.. sometiems i get so sucked into looking skinny.

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