The bad days continue.

Today has beeen another day of tears. just tears.
   Ive cried since about 10am this morning.

Everyone knows that i have an activity problem. so i cant do the slightest of movement - which is a big problem.
   i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

Ive argued with all the staff, and they're all watching me super closely.

I even got into an arguement with the like chief type person here. I seriously thought abut running away, but as eveyrone was watching me, i didnt get a chance to.
  and then the chief was like, if you run away. we have to call the police, and they'll have you admitted against your will into a psyciatric unit, which will mean sitting there all day, with  a staff watcching me.
  and it would be weeks before i would get out. and it doesnt help that i have so many scars on my arms and wrists, and they're not healing.
 
Ive got a sort of case manager now. shes mean mean mean. hate her.
  shes said to me. if i cant show i can sit down. im gonna have to use a wheelchair everywhere i go. like i mean, cant go or do anything.
   and also, she said... as i asked about time out. i want to go home. the best thing i can hope for is to get to go for a half hour drive with mum on Sunday.
  if i sit still all tomorrow and Saturday. Fuck. thats not an aim. thats not a goal. i dont want to sit in the car for a half hour with mum.
   thats nothing.

But shes also said now, if i dont bhave, im not allowed visitors on the weekend. can she even do that?

I seriously cant do this any longer. everytings so depressing.

ill never get home again.

I feel so bad about posting all these depressing posts, but i cant believe thigns got so bad? and i mean... the eating is going really well. im not getting any angst or guilt, not even from taking the energy drinks.
  so why now do i decide its ok to eat? i even wish, that i could magically go up 10kg in wieght over night. things would be easier then.

I hate writing all these bad/depp posts. :( But i really cant seem to cheer up.
   i dont think ill ever smile again.

Today, to go to the library... i had to use a wheelchair. God how i argued. ive always been allowed to go to the library. cus of my CF. no movement is bad for my lungs. but thats what i have to have now. 0 activity. i cant manage it.