Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

7 days too many.

:/

That's how I'm feeling. or more - :(((
Really upset.

So I've been an inpatient for a week now. Kinda pathetic to keep count... There just days, in a number of them to follow.

So as I posted before, this has been one of the worst days possible.
I'm so worried that I'll end up having to having a staff with me all the time.
That's how I had it in the clinic in Ireland.
I was on bed rest with 24/7 supervision.

Someone sat while I lay in the bed, stard at me while I refused the food, followed me to the bathroom, and that's how my day was.

And it can't go back to that again.
The only difference would be that I actually ate, and instead of being in a bed, I'm on a sofa.

Uggghh... How can a life get so fucked up? I'm so ready to get out of here.

Mum had the meeting with the doctor today. All they did was talk about the pros and cons of different alternatives.
So far what's decided is that on Friday, the doctor will mention me to the other clinics. He's having a meeting with the like other doctors of different clinics.
So I think it's that I'm moving.
But it won't be until next week, and the thing is - I can't make it here. I can't go another day here. Not the whole weekend.
When mum came after the meeting, I cried and cried. Trying to explain to her, I need to get the he'll away from here. I'm depressed, even thinking suicide again.
I can't be here.

I can make it at home, I know I can. I need to be home.
I know I can eat right. I have this picture, I can feel it in my whole mind, I know 100% that I can do it at home.
I don't have the sane feeling as before.

But I'm worried, are those thoughts just lies? Is the picture fake? Is it Ana trying to fool me? Making me think I can do it at home, but really I can't? no. I know I can make it at home.

Mum said shed call the doctor tomorrow. See what she could fo. See if she can sort out that I can come home.
First I wad happy, but mow I'm thinking logically. They're not just gonna let me go home, cus I say I can do right this time. That's what I said the other tomes. the difference is -
So at the moment everything sucks. I'm stick here till further notice.

Me and mum did go see my doggy:) I miss her so much. I thought I'd be home when she came to Sweden. I really did pick the worst time to fuck up. :(

For once, dinner was actually ok... Of anyone cared?:)

Uggghh... Dreading tonight. The stupid night staff, they're so grumpy and evil. You'd swear they're all PMSing:) I mean it:)
Haye them all. :(

But I can't wait yo get yo my room, to wash my hair and then jump into bed and do some surfing (with my iPod. It's lights put at 11, but can never sleep so use my iPod until I fall asleep... Usually with the headphones still plugged in abd music playing:) haha. Wake up with earphone marks on my cheeks:) )

Hope everyone had a good day!!

Everyone keep fighting for your dreams.... And keep a smile on your face, even if others can't.

Xxxx

5 comments:

  1. I don´t understand? Do you live in sweden? I hope everything gonna be oright, that you anway will change clinic. To one much better.<3 I wish you the best! <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. awww hun. I rememebr counting the days too it's not sad at all. Bed rest sucks (believe me I know) but it IS for a good reason as much as I hate to say it. It just means that you are very ill hun, not a good thing! I wish you luck too in moving clinics and sorry that you're having such a hard time. Music definitely helps though. Please don't think of self harming it's not worth it, this is just a blip in your life and once you're through it your life will be so much better. Just strive towards that! *hugs* <3 x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you :)

    Yeah, I moved from Ireland to come to Sweden, to go to the eating clinic Mando, which I suppose I'm being kIcked Out of. :/

    But I think the change will be good :)

    And just got to apologize that this post had so many mistakes.
    And with the BOLD writing at the end.
    I really can't be bothered to fix the typos - hehe :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanx - Willing_to_recover :)
    I already self harm, but it's been a while now - maybe 3 weeks.

    I just can't wait for all this to be over with...

    Wish you luck on your journey too :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sorry things are so hard at the moment :( i wish everything could just be better. At least you got to see your dog, and its great that dinner went well! :) And having the possibility of switching to another clinic is great, even if its going to take a week you made it through this first week, you're so strong and I know you could make it another one. Just keep going, you'll make it. That would be amazing if you could go home, it sounds like you really would be able to manage it, but sometimes things just can't work out how we want it to :/

    My day was just really boring.. had school, then came home, practiced flute, did homework, and now gonna work a little more and go to bed. Nothing major really.. but thankfully no fights with mum today :)

    And you were asking how the eating is going, it's confusing right now. At the moment i'm only eating dinners :/ and its scary because I know that there's something wrong with that. but then at the same time, I am totally sure that it is fine. not normal, but okay to be doing. And sometimes I push myself, like today a little while after I got home I forced myself to have a small piece of cornbread because i've been getting lots of black spots in my vision lately. :/ not good. not good. And I really have no idea if I can actually trust myself, I look in the mirror and just think fat fat fat, but I wonder if I actually am skinny, and just can't see it. Im not quite sure what "normal" is anymore, i've kinda lost sight of normal :/

    well, good morning and I hope your day goes well, time for me to go to bed :) hang in there! :)

    ReplyDelete