Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Saturday, April 30, 2011

i want to live my life.

how much of my life am i missing?


Yes, im scared to live my life. im scared to livee.


but i want a life.

i want friends. a boyfriend. school. my house. my dog. my family.

I want normal eating habits. i want normal activity levels. normal thoughts.

i dont want to live like this anymore.

i wish it was as simple as just walking out the door, and being healthy.


its never going to happen.

im just sitting here, letting my life slip by.

scared to go up in weight. dont want to do right.

but whats the point?



Hello. Hello.

My page views have dropped rapidly... LOL :)
   who wants to read my blog now anyway? Just read over my old posts, and you'll know what im going to write about... haha :)

Or you're all having such a good time, that you dont hvae time to check the internet... for which im all glad for you :)
   but even though i have all the time in the world... this is the first time ive actually got to go on the computer, and sit and type... (ive been using my ipod).

Today has been slow.

My morning started off very badly. i woke at 6am, and couldnt get back to sleep. so i decided to get up and sort my clothes.
   not a good idea.

We're not supposed ot be up until 7am. im usually up before... but thats gonna change now.

I got in so much trouble with the staff for being up so early. :( Ugghh. i dont want ot deal with them tonight.

Then again, i got in trouble for doing too much 'standing'.
   im just gettting in trouble. everything im ding is wrong.

Everyone has such a high watch on me now. :( im going to go crazy.

also, the weekend staff are the worst. absaloutly hate them. it doesnt help that the time is ticking by slowly slwoly... too slowly.


im going to go crazy.

My mum and dad came to visit today, anyway. which was nice.
   i got to see my dog again, and did a bit of walking around with her outside... hehe.

My night is gonna be awful. gonna sit here, with all eyes on me. and then when the night staff come....fuck.
   i have no idea how i'll make it tomorrow.

On wednesday my mums having a meeting with the doctor here, i wonder what will be said and what the end result will be.
   what will happen with me.

Ive decided.

i dont want to carry on with Mando.
   like, i dont want to be in HDV. but i cant go back to the day patients either. i dont want to be a dya patient here at Mando. i know all the staff, and all the staff know me.

its time for a change.







Friday, April 29, 2011

3 good things.

Ok, so ive been suggested, to try to write down 3 good/positive things about the day.


Hard work..... theres never anything good.


but ill give it a go.

1. I got to leave the Mando building - if only for a few hours.

2. I got to see my dog.

3. Got to see and spend time with my mum & dad.


That's basically it.

There is a much longer shit/bad lost.

But I'll keep that to myself :)

Good night everyone :)

Hope everyone has a good weekend :)

Where did my energy go?

Good evening/night everyone :)

Posting has been pretty shit. cus even though im sitting here all day... noting to do. bored to death. i dont seem to find the time to go on the computer :)
   Like the time passes so slowly between meals, but at teh same time.... before i know it, i have to eat again?

I somehow managed to get into me my 3 snack, a half hour to early.
   it was not easy.

When i left with mum, to go to BUP. i was fuming. so angry. I wanted to scream, shout.... anything.
   I was actally planning to jump out the window while mum drive, anything to stop the thoughts and feelings. to feel pain.
   But i somehow managed to keep myself in the car. Which was hard work it was so tempting ot just jump.

End. it. all. right. there.

When we got to BUP, we meet with the doctor there. he asked us some questions.
   i dont know, cant say much. i was so spacy. like not with it at all. i was quiet and just sat and stared at my feet, and then, after like a half hour.
   i dont know what happend. 
  i lost all my energy. i couldnt concentrate.

I jsut got up and walked away. and i couldnt go back in there.
  i think they understood, they let me stay away.

I have no idea what happend. i was suddenly feeling tired, my head hurt. all these feelings, thoughts, emotions....

Afterwards, me and mum had to go through the shopping centre.
  i broke down into tears. Why? i dont  know. i was feeling upset.

All the people... too many people.

Everyhting was too much. i couldnt come back to Mando. no. no. no,

I was like having some type of panic attack. or something.... i dont know what happend.

but we drove to a small place where there was some grass, and we got out and stood there, no walking for me, and let my dog pee.

Then we came back here to Mando, where it was dinner time.... :(

But dinner was actually OK. the stafff not ok.

After dinner and my rest, mum had promised she'd come... but the clock was slwoly ticking by... and still no sign of her.
   i was getting more adn more agitated, and then i started crying. she wasnt coming. but she promised she would
   the staff didnt care, didnt even bother to see what was wrong. :(

In the end, mum and dad came 5 minutes before snack time.
  but they were allowed to stay afterwards, so i ate my snack in a record time and then got to spend time with mum and dad.
   which made me happy :)

It really sucks, cus this weekend, as usual, its the bitch staff working. and theres like 2 patients. :( suck suck suck.

i so want to get out of here...

Tonight .... im tired. :(

Its been a long day.

but i sure as hell dont want to wake up tomorrow.

never wake up again. :(



Nothing special. Nothing new.

I have the meeting at BUP today. And it's at a convenient time of 3pm. I have to eat my snack before I go.

2.15.

fuck. Leave me alone.

I can't manage to eat so early.

My belly is bursting. It's sore sore sore.

I'm a swollen balloon.

And no matter what the staff say, lunch was burgers and chips.

Gross.

They said. No, it's just beef and potato wedges, drenched in oil.

So horrible. My mind was panicking. My heart racing, and aswell as burger and chips it was the frucking energy drink.

I did not want to rest afterwards, there was so much angst.

But I admit, it was nice when I fell asleep, to just let those thoughts go.

But when I woke up. They still sat there like a big lump.

And my belly was sore. Sore. Sore.

:(

I'm hoping I can spenfmd a bit more time out, instead of coming direct back?
It's the worst staff working tonight. :(

Sad sad sad.

All I do is think about myself.
I want to try to write 3 good things today though, I'll see if I can :/

Birthday girl

Today's my sisters birthday.

Once again.

I'm in hospital.

Fuck.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could stop being so selfish and just get better.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Dag 17 – A person i want to change life with for a day. and why?

Not to sure. anyone really...

No, maybe not anyone. i mean, some poor starved child in Africa, might not be so fun to change life with.

But i dont even know if i want to change life with someone famous... what would be the point in that?

What about,

my old self.


When i was 5... or some age like that.

When i was happy, free from this illness.


i enjoyed life, i had friends,my family, i liked eating ice cream.i liked school.

if i could go back to being her for a day...that would be great.

to just be carefree,oblivious to hurt,pain, guilt, angst, panic.... to growing up.

just being a child.




No messing around.

Ive decided.
   this time is the last time. 4 times as an inpatiant, in a matter of 10 months. thats enough and thats not countng the 3 months in treatment in ireland.... 2 months of meetings before that.. .ad the lik 2-3 years... on my own, in secrecacy... before all of this.


Its enough.


This is my last time as an inpatiant. im going to make it work.... or try my very hardest.

The like chief of HDV, is going to look into different ways to help me. things dont work out at home, but they should so we have to find a new way.
    and then, like i mentioned before, tomorrow im going to meet a doctor from this like psychaitric ward, and hes gonna assess me, and we're gonna see what he says, whether maybe i should have some other treatment.

Today, while i've been preparing my trays, one of the staff was like... theres no cheating. Yeah, should there be? i asked. Yes... i have a reputation for cheating. but i mean... when i have 3 ssets of eyes on me... im not going ot suddenly take a half deciliter instead of a whole... and anyway, ive decided im not going to cheat with my meals. I cant. i dont have the energy to prolong this any longer.
   That doesnt mean it wont be hard, tat i wont want to cheat. or want to exercise, to compensate.
   And i mean.... major angst/guilt is on the way.

And having to drink the Energy drinks... :( Its hard, and horrible. and i hate it.

It felt kind of god though, that they like saw i wasnt cheating, slowly but surely, they'll start to trust me.. maybe?
  Im going to do right.

For lunch however though, there was a mix up, and i had to weigh it up again. firs ti was like No. im not going to. but then the staff reminded me, if i had done right, then i shouldnt have to protest. she was right. if i had weighed up as i should, then why should it matter to do it again?
   there might have been cheating.... but whatever.

They'll all have eyes on me now... whatever.

get on with it.


The worst thing now.. is having to go up in wieght.
 
Looking down at my legs, i can say, i do feel thin. its stupid, but its time to wave good bye to thinness. :(


I also hate hving to rest in the rest room...... :(

stupid stupid stupid.

It is now snack time however..... my elly feels blloated and horrible, i dont think i can manage more food. :(



Its a whole different world here.

....... silence........


Last night went OK. was upset. if i hadnt cried all day, i would have sent all last night crying. just the smallest thing.
  i lept pretty shit last night. about a total of 4 hours. :(

Then i had blood taken this morning....
  i hate how ive fucked everything up again. Why cant i jsut do right? Why amnt i strong enough?

im weak and selfish and stupid. i cant do anything right.

Did i write that mum came yesterday? Not to sure. but she did anyway. it was nice, but i was still so upset. that it was hard to appreciate that she came, and i know, with in a few weeks, she wont have the energy or time to visit me.
   this weekend will be empty and quiet, its my sisters birthday and my dads visiting, they wont have time for me.

There's nothing special to write about this morning. I barely got to go to the library today... the one good thing. but jsut before i was about to go, a staff comes to me and is like youve lost alot of weight. you're not allowed to walk to the library.
   i did my upset look, its not that long to walk? finally after like 5 minuts of persuasivness, i got to walk to the library... thank god.
  but fuck. im going to have to be in the wheelchair if i'm going anywhere.

Then ive also drank....2 energy drinks = 600 calories.


the guilt, the stomach ache....let me run away?


I just hate sitting here. how could things change so suddenly?

It feels like a whole different world. i cant even remember the outside.

all i can see are these four walls, the same patients, the same staff, the same seats.... the same.


illl go crazy.

I'll try not to be to depressing :)

As everyone knows... I'm back as an in patient, HDV. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Same old story.

It was 6 weeks ago since I was last in HDV. Record short time of relapsing. but sure... It was all my own fault, so got to deal with the consequences.

It really will suck here.

I guess you all know how

• much I hate the staff
• much I hate HDV
• how much I can complain about the staff and HDV
• how much I hate lunch and dinner here
• how much I can complain about lunch and dinner
• how much I hate energy drinks
• how I hate the no activity

And lots of other things.

But you already know it.... I hate it here.

So I'm going to try to. Avoid talking/writing about it.

It won't be easy, I mean there's not much more to write about ;D

Haha. :)

But well see.

I'm going to try to stay positive :)

And even though it's easier said then done I'm going to get better.

I can't come back to HDV and I want to spend as possible here.

So the only way is forward.

Thank you everyone for reading, commenting and caring :)

Anyone have any tips for the blog. What should I write more or less about?

(less cursing? Less complaining of food?
More pep?

Whatever you think? What do you want go read about /)

Xx

So I'm going to try to avoid writing about it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

How did i make it last time?

 Trying to remember how i survived 2 and half months of this last time? I cant remember.
   What did i do?

I remember the time flying by... quickly, but now... now the time is going by slowly slowly. its killing me.

all i want to do is cry.

i cant go through this again. How did i end up here again?

was it realy so hard to eat? 


Now i have all eyes on me. im allowed absaloutly no exercise. :(

My mum came to visit. it was a tear filled visit.

Got to see my dog, but there wasnt much happiness in that,  just made me feel worse.

How could everything go so wrong?

One moment, i was the girl who was trusted. was allowed to do things. go sit in the sun. go to the library when i needed to.
   i was allowed to go home earlier, or go somewhere, if i had to.

I was allowed home during the weekend. i was allowed movement. i was allowed walks.

Now im the girl who ahs to sit still, be watched 24/7, does everything wrong....

I hate my life so much.

I actually cant be at Mando anymore.

I know all the staff here, i need a change, the Mando way doestn work for me.

On Friday however, we're going to meet with another doctor, someone from BUP and decide from there, what they think.... and next week the doctor here from Mando is going to discuss me, about if they should send me somewhere else.
   i think i want to.

I cant be at Mando longer.

No way. its not working for me. im wasting my time.

Im so angry at the moment. angry at myself, my life, the staff, my mum, Mando... everything and anyone.

I dont know how i'll survive.

its all too much.

one person cant go through all this.

Im about to break.

There's no more tears left.

I've cried soooo much. But this was expected. I knew this would happen.
My bag was even packed.

But that doesn't make any of this easier.

My eyes are red and sore and my nose is red. I look like rudolf.

I hate the staff here. Sit. Sit. Sit. that's all I'm told. Oh great. I can't sit.

I also hate how everyone is judging my mum. Thinking all this is her fault.

It isn't.

It's all mine.

Things are going ti be awful when I go home again.

If I ever actually get to go home.

Just sitting here now.

Sad.

I want to cry.

But there's no more tears.

I don't want to know how the next few months will be.

How I've ficked up my whole smmer.

Nice.

I hate my life.

I'll update later

:(

I don't feel much like carrying on.

I'm an evil person.

I should be punished

My dads coming to visit tomorrow.

And I'm going to be sitting as an in patient.

Not sure if there's a room for ne or not.

But my BMI is too low to be allowed to be a day patient.

I'm a horrible horrible person

All I ever do is think about myself.

I can't even get better for my family.

I hate myself.

Everyone should just see, I'm not supposed to live.

I'm supposed to die.

They should stop trying to help someone who is past help.

I was trying.

I was trying so hard.

My case manager was so cross at me when he spoke to me :(

It made me cry even more.

I font even have anyway to contact my mum :(

I want her to hug me

Tell me things will be ok.

But that's the last thing shell do.

She'll let me sit in HDV

Telling me that I have to deal with the consequences.

She's not going to cuddle me and tell me things will get better.:(

Make or break time....

I'm just gonna have to wait and see what happens....

When I get a chance I suppose I'll update.

I've gone make up free today... Don't want mascara trains on my cheeks if I end up doing ALOT of crying.

I do have a meeting with the psychiatrist today... So maybe I won't be admitted today, as I have to go to that? :)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Dag 16 – Whats in my bag?

My bag today.... looked a little like this :D


My bag. (doesnt look so good in te picture... but it is nice :) )
                                             
hehehe... just a peek in my bag :)
                                       
My Mando meter (just back from Mando.)
                                      
Book im reading - Sightseeing by Rattawut Lapcharoensap.(Never heard or read of him before.) 
i dont really recommend the book. its not very good.
But its something to read.
                                      
My sunglasses  :)
                                      
My inhaler (or puffer... whatever you call it?)
                                          
My meal plan.
Some pieces of paper with notes and lists :)
Money. money. money?? :)
                                      
tissues,gum,Lakerol(like licorice... not sure why i have them??) and a mini perfume :)
                                       
Pens, mirror, clips, salva and lip balm :)

All my stuff :)

DId you enjoy?

Hahaha.. it almost feels wrong to post this up... my bag is private.. LOLs.. it could be worse :)



Its sad.

My bag is packed.


I dont expect good news tomorrow, thats why my bag is packed, my clothes and items slowly disappearing into a small bag. ready to be brought into Mando, if that is what is going to happen.:( I hope not.

Its sad to think... that im preparing now.
  The outcome could be good. but i kind of doubht it. :/

Its also sad...  cus while im here, packing my things, my mum  and sister dont even realise.

Im treated as as a slave in the house, they sit there in front of the television.

Get me a glass of water.
get me my phone.
Take Daisy for a walk.


ordering me about. I do it. iget the water, i take the dog for a walk. cus i dont want to be an inconvenience. iwant to be nice, do stuff for others.
   But now its getting to me. they dont even realise.

Even though i do everything, clean, take care of the dog, wash the dishes, theydont realise it, they (my sister) still likes to call me selfish and spoilt. as if i dont get enough criticiszm from myself.
  and to hear something which isnt true. My own voice in my head tells me, im ugly, fat, worthless, horrible, unloved, forgotten about... all thats true. but to hear im selfish when thats the very last thing that i am. its horrible. i do everything for others... i never take a moment to think about myself.if i can please someone else.. i will.

When i finally started to cry, upset over having to deal with my thoughts, bracing myself for the worst tomorrow, my sister just started giving out to me.... telling me to grow up and stop being a baby. having a crying fit for no reason.
  but she doesnt even know whats going on. she doesnt care.

Nobody cares.

If i get admitted (please NO.) then i can atleast say it will be a relief to get away from my sister, not have to argue with her, to see her.... not to be ordered about. (apart from having to sit still...[from the staff])
   its not like mum notices either.

What happens if mum just doesnt realise, i dont come home. would she even notice?? i dont think so. her life would carry on, im jsut an inconvenience at home.
  an annoyance.

For now.. i dont know whats going to happen tomorrow, things could go well. they could give me  a week, show that i can do it at home. and im determined to show that i can.
   but i dont know...


Its really a suckish time though. its my sister birthday this weekend, so family and friends will come, my dads coming.
   I cant be admitted,an inpatiant when my dads here.

I was an in patiant this time last year aswell.... barely allowed out to go o my sisters party.

i wouldnt be allowed out if im admitted. and no one would visit. :(

I hate my life. i dont have the energy or strength to keep on going?

its just backwards and forwards. backwards and forwards.




Nothing to complain about.

Uggghh... i seriously hate Mando. I cant believe im wishing to not be kicked out. Weird right? but its just cus its hte best option right now.
  Its either Mando or like Capio or Stockholms center for eating disorders.
 and its easiest to stay at Mando. no matter how much i hate it. and hate ll the staff there. its better then changing to some other clinic.

Ive  Missed home so much. Weird. Ive missed my Caviar knackemackor with salad. ive had to make do with Pate. :/
 
Even though i hate it here, things hvae gone good, or OK today.

I mean, ive done everything right. Theres no reason why anyone should complain about me.

Ive been sooo tired today. Who knew that sitting and eating would take so much energy from you? Gaining weight is tiring. :(
   Ive basically jsut sat out in the sun today. havent had much energy to do anything. It might be the fact that i only got 4 hours sleep last night.
   was WIDE AWAKE soo stayed up and watched Bolt... hehe, cute film. planning to watch the rest of it tonight, if i dont fall asleep at 9pm, that is? :)

My knee has been ok today. Sore. its been hard to sit. but i got my knee cleaned and checked by one of the HDV nurses. so atleast i know its not infected?

Lunch was completly ok today... if anyone wondered? No not really.
  it wasnt the worst food.

Breaded burger, mashed potatoes with jam(or lingonsylt) and peas and sweet corn... Ook foood, would have preferreed not to eat it, but sure what can i do?


When i got home, all the days food and sitting, suddenly got to me.
   I took my dog for a LONG walk.even running a bit and all i could think about was - you dont burn calories sitting. you dont burn calories walking... you dont burn enough calories. you need to run. run. run.
  get rid of eveyrthing.


There was also the Your going to be weighed tomorrow. your weight will be down.
  Are you happy that your making it even worse for yourself?


but i dissed those thoughts, my mind was too focused on calories and what i had eatenn today... all my positive days work. all my good thoughts.
  doing everything right. wanting to get better and gain weight... all jsut washed away. Forgotten about.


I wasnt home until 6.15 pm.. no hungry one bit.
   Somehow i said something to my mum.... what? and she just walked out the door, not sure where she is.

But now im left on my own. Having to eat dinner on my own.

What i wanted... i didnt want to eat dinner with them today. but it makes it just that bit harder. :(
   i was thinking everything would go right. it hasnt completly failed yet.
  im slowly but surely pressing into me some Bolognaise Ravioli and vegetables.

It will all make it in.

No matter how hard.

:(

Size zero (Not Pro. but might TRIGGER?)

So OK today.

 i wore these pair of shorts.. which i bought about 2 years ago. they never really fit, always too big and still too big now.

Back then i didnt care about clothes size then.


But today, i saw the clothes tag.

Size 6 US.

You know how theres the big US SIZE 0 that everyone wants to be.

I was once a size 4 US... i think... i dont know... i look at the UK sizes. im a UK size 4... whatever that is in US?

But anyway.

When i first saw the tag i was like... Oh No. im not small enough.


But then i was like... you know what? whatever?


does it matter if im size zero or size 8?

Its a number.

No one cares.

only me.

I felt quite proud of myself, mature

I even thought.... would it really be that bad to gain weight? 


whats the  difference between weighing 45kg and 55kg?

Hahaha... weird train of thoughts today?

How will i make it tomorrow?

Forget Mando.

My fu*king knee.... so bloody painful.


i cant sit
i cant stand
i cant move
i cant walk
i cant bend my knee


How will i make it from the house to Mando? Its soooo painful.

Oh Damn?


DONT LOOK AT PICTURE IF YOUR WEAK HEARTED. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!
















^^^not self harm. fell and cut my knee when i was taking my dog for a walk.
Not fun.
It fu*king hurts. :(

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sun,Dog,Friend & Ice cream :D

Last day of freedom, or so it seems anyway :(

Up at 6am tomorrow... not that ive slept in much on my 'days off' anyway.

Today, after my  paniced thoughts, wanting to cancel meeting with this other girl (going for ice cream)  i didnt want ice cream. i wanted to creep under the bed and disappear. cancel my plans.

but things went well.


We went from one place to another to another, insearch of ice cream.

the first place was closed

the second didnt sell ice cream.

but third time lucky.

I got one of thoose 65 calorie soleros. It was basically just a popsicle. not hard to eat. didnt even think much about it. it was basically flavoureed juice,frozen.


It was almost a dissappointment. i was planning on taking the Solero which actually had the vanilla ice cream in it.... That would have been a challenge.

Oh well.... but it almost feels wrong, it wasnt an ice cream. i said id eat ice cream, and i ate frozen juice on a stick.
   not that the anorexia isnt rejoicing. but for me.. it feels wrong.


                                      ^^^^What i wanted to take (with actual ice cream)^^^

Its weird, isnt it? That id have such mixed up feelings & emotions over this?

Next time, ill take the one with actual ice cream. to challenge myself... but for this being my first time eating ice cream... in  i think over a year... it was well done :)


Then we carried on walking,  enjoying the sun on our backs :)
   My dog behaved veyr well when we were out, which was a relief :) Huge relief :)

We talked about LOADS, i cant even remember what?
   From travelling, to work, to Mando, to dissing and bitching about the Mando staff (Haha.. Finally... someone who understands :)) to animals..... and everything in between :)

Hahah

Im glad i went,and didnt back out. what was so diffucult with meeting up with a friend, and eating an ice lolly? Nothing, i shouldnt be so scared

Tired from the walking now... so its time to settle down with some tea and a film :)
  
Dreading tomorrow,but im hoping things will go well?

Dag 15 – Something i regret.

Well this could be a long list? :)

Theres lots of things i regret, small things like

My first boyfriend
My first kiss
Wearing my hair in some stupid way
Having on that outfit
Trying to be someone i wasnt
Having that 'friend' who turned against you.

To bigger things like 

Not following my meal plan and messing things around while in Ireland (over christmas)
Somehow getting anorexia?
Stopping eating and starting puking.
Not trying my best from the very start to get rid of anorexia.
not living my life, not starting to count calories or caring about weight
For starting to self harm
To OD

Theres alot. 
 but im trying not to dwell on it. i mean, whats the point?

what happens happens.

What happens happens for a reason.




I Scream.

This morning has been spent cleaning. Oh the fun? The dishes, the bins, cleaned the fridge, sorted the laundry (and going to help mum with the washing later) stripped the beds. I'm now considering hovering and like cleaning the rest if the apartment.
Why?

I'm one of the messiest people I know. Or maybe I should say was?

I don't know why I clean. I'm not a perfectionest. I never used to clean. Never cared.

But now... Now everything has to be in order. I can't calm down if something's out of place.
I have to do everything, I can't let anyone else clean.
Perfectionist much? No.

But I do feel. I can't be perfect. I can't fo anything right. I'm a mess.
So why not make the house perfect? Clean.

Make it easier for my mum. Maybe she'll like me more?

The cleaning is definitely not some 'calorie burning' thing.
It's that I feel stressed and it feels wrong when the house/rooms look messy and cluttered?

Anyway...

Today I'm gonna meet up with another girl, go for I've cream.

I'm trying to find a way out. Any excuse in the book.

But why am I backing out? normal teenage girls go out for ice cream. Don't care about it.

But it's been more than a year since I ate ice cream. And now that someone's telling me that I have to(or she's not gonna force me) it just feels really wrong.
I know it would be a step forward, and it's not like I'm planning to eat a magnum or Ben and Jerrys.
I think I'm going to play it 'safe' with a solero.
That's what I'm most comfortable.
Or comfortables not the right word.

I'm panicking. My mind is racing, trying to find ways to not go. But I'm trying to stay strong. Not listen to the voice.

I have no idea how today will go. :(

Mum suggested I bring Daisy, my fog with me. So I think I'll do that :) we can then take a stroll around the park as it's like 20 degrees or something. :(

Uuuuggghhh.. I seriously can't believe that tomorrow it's Mando. :(
God. I hate it.

But my case manager isn't in until Wednesday. I suppose I'm going to have to be ready to be told I'm going to be admitted. But I'm first off going to try to get then to listen to me.
My weight will go up if I'm an in patient. But it's not going yo help me
I need to be able to make it work at home.

It's the easy option to be admitted.
I know that I'll fall back again.
But what comes, comes.

It would suck though, as I'm going yo miss all the sun.
And this time last year I was also an in patient :(

Tonight I'm gonna try to talk to mum about what happens if I'm admitted again.
I've avoided the subject.

But she's not stupid. Shes not going to say No.

And I mean, this morning I woke up, and suddenly I felt and looked 10 times smaller then I did yesterday.

If I notice myself as thin, how do others see me?

Have a lovely day everyone :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Slowly killing myself

Depressed much? Very.


I wouldnt be surprised if my stats start to drop. if the page views slowly start decreasing.

Who wants to read the same thing day in and day out?


i sure as hell wouldnt.

Its more interesting to read about progress. to hear about me being Happy. About me trying new foods. getting my life back in order.
  not falling back into my old ways.

sitting in a hospital all day.... where all i do is complain about the food, the staff,, my life.... and so on.

No one wants to read that . :(

Im just not fighting anymore.

Im slowly killing myself.

Today... looking in the mirror.

My bones stuck out. i could see my ribs. see the bones on my arms, which i havent seen since christmas.
   
Im horrible.

I wasnt happy.

I didnt smile.

Im tired of this.

I want to stop losing weight.

I want to be normal.

I dont want to be thin.

I want to be normal.

I dont want to be sick.

I want to do normal things.

But im scared of living.

im scared to move forward.

but i dont want to move back.

i dont even want to be stuck here. now.

Where am i supposed to go?

No one wants to read my depressing blog. 

How im just a stupid girl.

But im going to keep writing.

Where am i heading?

I dont know.

I dont know which path im on.

But i know its not looking good.



Easter sucks.

I think i wrote the same thing last year. :(
  Last year Easter was horrible. We were having a huge family get together, with lots of food and people. how would i avoid eating, and puking what  i did eat?
   i hated last year.

and i hate this year.

We're not going to have any big family get together... and no big lunch or dinner.
  we did have a guest over for dinner though.

let me start from this morning.

The usual. Breakfast. take the dog out. snack. get ready.lunch. thats been my routine now for 4 days.
After lunch as it was such nice weather i decided to take my dog out to the park, throw the ball for her... do a bit of light running around.
   It was so nice... feeling the sun on my back (Even starting to get tan lines on my back :) )
Rolled about in the grass.... but suddenly she started going crazy for no reason?she nearly pulled my arm out when suddenly she decided to make a run for it.
   when ifinally caught her again i ended up falling over, and grazing my whole left leg. leaving it grazed and bleeding. ;(
   As if i need more pain and scars? Had to try to hobble home with my bleeding leg.



Definitely wasnt in the mood.

Then when i got back my aunt was here, that wasnt too much of a problem. she had made Macaroons, but as im intolerant to eggs, i skipped, also that it had been lunch like an hour ago.



Then later i got into a fight with mum, then my sister. :( Great. it was the same last year.

Then i made the dessert and before i knew it, our guest had arrived and it was time for dinner.... not one bit hungry.
   they ate salmon, potatoes,asparagus and hollandaise sauce. Me - salmon pie, asparagaus and salad.

Later i served them their desssert, which they all thought was nice. i skipped. i felt completly sick and the dessert was basically just chocolate,cream and cream cheese - No thank you.





But Easter also sucks, cus theres sweets, chocolate... everywhere. i see it in the corner of my eye. i see my sister/mum/guest... all the kids outside munching away on sweets and chocolate.




why cant i do that?


Im the one whos supposed to go up in wieght? but im doing the exact opposite?

Wouldnt it just help if i started throwing into me a half kilo sweets? I jsut want to stop thinking calories, weight, body size.
    i want the thoughts to stop.

I want to be healthy.

Next year. Next easter.... i'll be healthy. ill be munching way on sweets and chocolate aswell :)
  
I just want today to end. But i dont want tomorrow to come. I dont want next week.

I just want to stop time. stop living. stop thinking.

Its baking time :D

We have a guest over for dinner today... so its my job ot make the dessert.

Im thinking - white chocolate mousse with berries and cream :)













The result - 






Dag 14 – A picture of me a year ago.

Hmmmm.... i was sick a year ago.

and this picture is about exact a year ago... :(


^^ i dont see anything 'thin' about me...

but i was on permanent bedrest bcak then. it was my first week as an in patient. i wasnt actually allowed out, but it was my sisters birthday party... so my parent said that they woula take the consequences (me getting a heart attack of to much movement)

Happy Easter :)

Good Morning everyone :)
   Has the Easter unny paid you a visit yet? Or are you the type of people who have to wait until after lunch? Or are you deciding to skip on Easter this year... kind of like me? :)
  But just cus i dont want any chocolate or sweets, doesnt mean that the Easter bunny didnt pay a visit to my mum and sister :)
   They woke up to a sweet little treat :)  Lindt (their favourite chocolate) bunny and a bowl of sweets :)

I spent last night watching Chocolat,a film with Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp.
   Its  about like Lent, Easter and chocolate :) I thought it was an apporpriate time to watch. and its a film which we usually watch before Easter :) To get us in the mood for chocolate :) haha



This morning was spent getting ready :) Took about 2 hours... hair washing, nail painting, tweezing, facil care, hair straightening etc etc.... it was fun :)
  i felt i havent done anything like that for a while... and its Easter... why not make myself look pretty?
   Ugghhhh.. im gonna miss open bathroom acess if im admitted again.

Ive realised how much, ok, i ahte home... but im seriously going to miss it, if it gets taken away from me... cus im too stupid to do right. :(

Today doesnt feel like Easter. we haevnt got to much planned. having someone over for dinner... so i think its going to be soemthing with Salmon? Uggghh.... :/
   AAnd i think im gonna make soem type of dessert... im thinking chocolate mousse with berries? not to sure.

Happy Easter eveyrone :)

Hope eveyrone can enjoy this chocolate filled day ?

xxx









Saturday, April 23, 2011

Tired girl has a new place to sleep :)

Today has been spent pretty much on my own. with my dog. and the sun. and a good book. and lots of crisp bread with caviar and salad :) hahaha


Got up this morning, and for breakfast, i took my option with knackebrod (crisp bread?hard bread?cracker type thing!! hahah :) Google it :) )
  and i saw that in our fridge... there was Caviar :) definitely one of my favourites :) they used to have it at Mando. but took it away... why? (they've taken away so many different food types, that basically all we have is bread, yoghurt and cereal. Sucks.) but i have cavaiar as one of my fillings alternatives (cheese&butter/ham&butter/marmalade&butter - i would like to have honey as an option. Honey on roasted bread is something i LOVE :) )
  so i took knackebrod with caviar and salad leaves and tomoatoe (weird combination? :) ) and also some black pepper ;)
  Yummi Yummi!! I think im in love :) hahah




Then i took my dog out for what was supposed to be a five minute 'pee' walk. but turned out to be a 40 minutes walk. Oooops.
   but the sun was shining and i thought that it wouldnt take so long to walk... but it did.

For my snack, i then took the same thing... the knackebrod. (breakfast was larger... had yoghurt adn cereal aswell. - kind of.)
  
Then i got into a shouting arguement with my sister. leaving me in tears.
  i had two options... the razor blade that sat right there infront of my eyes. or grabbing my coat and sticking the lead on my dog.
  i decided it wasnt worth it to cut myself. i dont want to try to hide even more scars, especially not now in summer, when i can wear short tops and skirts.
  so i grabbed my sunglaasses, shoes and stuck the lead on my dog. i plugged in loud music and walked out into the sun with my doggy by my feet:)
   That turned out to be an hours walk.... double oooppps. but i wasnt walking for exercise. i was walking to stop all the thoughts. get all the anger/hurt/thoughts/emotions out of me.
  and i wasnt power walking. it was more like...slow walking.. mainly cus i had no energy.





When i got home... my emotions in tact. not feeling so angry or sad, both my mum and sister had left me on my own. they;d gone somewhere.

Lunch on my own. :( Hard work. i sat out in the sun, watching a film while i slowly pressed into me some lunch. lots of yummi salad anyway......

Then it was more time out in the sun. finishing reading my book- Nice :)
  
and then, after my three snack, once again consisting of knackebrod with caviar :) (not only that though.) i went outside, yet again with my dog.
  but this time i took it easy. was just in this little park near our house, throwing a ball for my dog.
then we lay in the grass for a bit... enjoying the sun on our backs :)
  i really do love my dog :) Its nice to not feel so alone when everyone else abondons me. and i can talk to her (as stupid as it sounds? :) ) and i love the way she looks at me.. she knows im her Mama :)





  sso its nice to have my baby with me again :) :) :)




Later my mum and sister came home...they'd bought a bed? What?
  a double bed. As ive been sleeping on this fold up mattress bed, i would now get one of the proper beds :) not so much back pain now? :)


We then spent about 2 hours moving around like all the furniture in the house, moving beds and sofas and lamps... Very tired i can say i was.
   I cooked dinner at 6, pasta with Quorn mince and tomatoe sauce... thinking all  of us would eat together.
they werent hungry.


I waited until 7.15pm.. i coulnt wait any longer, now im gonna end up eating my night snack at like 10... if i evenn bother with it tonight.
   it wasnt such a nice feeling sitting eating dinner on my own. ive already eaten all my meals on my own today.

I prefer it that way. with breakfast and snacks. but with lunch and dinner, if someones in the house, i prefer to eat with them.
    it makes it easier, and then ican be sure that i eat, and dont cheat.

Thats one thing which my case manager was curious about...why am i always eating dinner on my own? he       wasnt happy about it.
 
Im now feeling seriously restless and tired.

cant wait until the time is late enough so i can jump into my 'new'(not really. but new for me) bed :)
   And tomorrow is Easter... wont feel so different to me. this year its not going to be any big get together with the whole family, exchanging chocolate eggs. Thats a relief.
   i do have a little surprise for my mum and sister though :)

So thats been my day...exciting much? No... really not.
   but i felt i should just write about it... even though no one cares :)

Good evening, and Happy Easter everyone :)
  im hoping that most of you are ok to  eat chocolate... and enjoy easter like a normal person? hahah :)