Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Kan sjalv.

A little music ??? :)

Sit. Sit. Sit.

sit. sit. sit. I WILL NOT stand.

its for my own good. its to get rid of the anorexia.
    Who the fuck stands all day? who stands and is on the computer who stands and watches film/tv?
who stands and eats? who just stands?


Me.... No.. Anorexia.

and it WONT have anymore control.

I will glue my bum to the chair if i have to.

stupid post.... but i jsut had to write it.


lets see how it goes.... Not so well... im already up. :/

Dont forget the good times!

life may be shit now... but it hasnt always been... and it wont always be.
   i cant forget all my good memories, all the fun ive had in my life... and they'll be more days... ive just got to get past all this.


Photo bomb!!!
















My inspirational song!!

One more - Superchick.

It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down
But I'm not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go
Tonight I'll make it 99

One more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
Don't stop now
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more

Go one more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
Don't stop now
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more

Go one more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
I have everything to lose
By not getting up to fight I might get used to giving up So I am showing up tonight I am my own enemy The battle fought within my mind If I can overcome step one I can face the 99

One more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
Don't stop now
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more

Go one more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
Don't stop now
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more

Go one more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah

Isnt this what i wanted?

I dont want to gain weight... but when i lose weight.... that doesnt make me happy either.. or it does. It makes me want to dance with joy... and exercise.
   ive lsot weight. - expected. atleast i have an excuse why... its cus my meal plan was lowered, instead of - I havent followed my meal plan to fuck.
   so tomorrow im back on the Scandishake... i was jsut realising how much i loved that i wasnt on an energy drink.
  
I knew this was coming so it sucks... but the thing is... i should be ecstatic that i've lost weight, as my case anager said it.. if this carried on... losing wieght for two more weeks, then id be in trouble adn back in HDV... what the fuck man?
  but its made me realise... this isnt worth it. Why the hell am i ruining my life? im a day patient now... i dont want to go back to HDV... and if i did, i know for sure id be there for maybe 3,4,5  months?
   So now.... im jsut tird fo this. follow ym meal plan. Yes... its easy to write it here, it wont be so easy to actually do.

But its not like ive noticed ive lsot weight. so why does it matter to me..... i dont think id even notice that much if i lsto 10kg... i would jsut think im fatter, im sure.

I got to leave before my 3 snack anyway... i was going to meet my mum in town, but there was a mix up, so after waiting half an hour for her and she telling ems he was somewhere  else... i jsut came home.
   ive missed my 3 snack. and the weird thing is... i can  feel it in my stomach.. like i feel hungry? its so weird.
  but like in an hour, its dinner... so im planning to just skip... i know, i know....this isnt the best way to start on my new positive, right path. but after dinner? Am i just putting everything off again? saying next time. next time?


But i really have had enough of this illness... i dont want it. i dont want to fight it, but its that or jsut siting as an inpatient, while i watch everyone else living there lives.
   It wont be easy...oh no no no. but i can atleast try. once more?




                           




The sun is shining - and I'm sitting inside.

Yes, I'm not the only one. And in all honesty, this isn't some sympathy, feeling sorry for myself post.
Because, at the end of the day, I get to go home and then I can spend time outside (when it's cold) and during the weekend, it's gonna be 10-15 degrees, so I can't complain, and I shouldn't.

It's just that I'm pissed off. My case manager never tells me when he's going to talk to me, so I don't know whether I should go sit in the sun or just sit here and wait.

It's also the fact that I don't want to speak to him. I want to avoid him. My weight was taken today, and I know it's down. So I'm scared that he will say we add more food, or energy drink.... I don't want to. But it is all my fault anyway, isn't it?

It's also the fact that I want to meet my mum, leave before my 3 snack. I don't just want to sit here, and he said I could go.... Maybe but we had to talk before. So it's driving me crazy just sitting here, wishing I was anywhere but here.

I can't wait for the weekend, but only cud I don't have to come to Mando.
I also want to eat right. Cus I want to get better. idont want to be fucking sick anymore.
But if we add to my meal plan... Then I know, I won't follow my meal plan.

Also... My little challenge today ... Take yoghurt for breakfast. While I stood there waiting, I was like I can't do it. I want porridge. it's healthy.
Bso while I stood there with this mental battlegoing on inside me, I just measured up the yoghurt, and then I couldn't back out.
Uggghh... I'm definitely going back to my oatmeal breakfast.

Also, why is it, that for lunch... I always wish I got another option. Like one of the other alternatives. I just want to order my own food, pick what I want some days I would actually take the pasta over the fish with mayonnaise sauce.
Or the fish over roasted potatoes and sausage etc etc...

But whatever...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Challenge.

This is gonna sound really stupid, but tomorrow I'm planning to break my routine/pattern.
For the last month, ive had the same option for breakfast - oatmeal.
I love that option. I love oatmeal, and to me, oatmeal is my healthy option. I'm trying to tell myself that the only reason i take oatmeal everyday is cus I don't take at home, and don't have another chance to eat it.
I mean, I could eat oatmeal all day! (but I prefer it with alpro soya milk and honey - not allowed soya milk).
But on my own accord, I'm going to try to take another of my options. I dont think it will go well. I feel scared and nauseous thinking about it, having go change? I dont like it.
It's just wrong that I feel like this, from changing from oatmeal to yoghurt in the morning? The smallest of changes really does make me feel panicked.
I used to be good at varying, but now I'm stuck, taking my same snack options, as of I'm scared of my other options, it's not that (ok, it partly is. The options I take, are thes which I see as less calorie/fat [which infact they aren't] and healthy.)

I don't think I'll change, I'm too scared, it feels too challenging.
But if I don't do it now, when will I ever?

I'm hoping to add another oatmeal option, but I have a feeling I won't be allowed. :(

Good night everyonrme!!
Thanx for reading!!!

:)

And ask questions, if anyone wants? I love answering!!

Dont judge a book by its cover.

You see someone thin, you think she's anorexic.
you see someone big, shes fat, big... why doesnt she stop eating?


You see someone normal weight.... well, they could never have an eating disorder, they could never have anorexia. WRONG.


you dont have to be thin, to have an ED or eating disorder.
   Yes, most anorexics are thin, and you can tell that they're anorexic. but some, they arent. they're not exactly what you'd call anorexic thin. maybe on the underweight side?
  
Like myself, im not what you would call anorexically thin anymore, maybe not even thin, Normal?
    but im jsut as much, if even worse, mentally fucked up.
Its not like i eat, i avoid it as much as possible. i get panic attacks, angst, guilt, just as much as someone who has a BMI of 13, and WAY underweight... unlike myself, who now has a BMI of like 18, and not so underiweght.

You dont have to be thin to have an ED, and theres EDs like binge/purge, ortherexia, unknown eating disorder.
  
But also, some people jstu have it really hard to gain weight, someone with AIDS, cancer, even really bad CF can have it really hard ot gain wieght, and might look like they have an ED,but they dont... they might eat LOADS, they just cant gain weight.... and then people think that they have an eating disorder.

It bothers me when people think they can tell if someone has an ED by how thin they are. its jsut wrong.

Like i've been told, you're not big.... you dont have big legs, you cant get big legs even if you try.... but they're wrong... ok, i have an ED now, but that doesnt stop me from getting big legs... big bum etc etc.
  
Also, i find im very comparative... i look at the other, thin girls and think...they're definitely sick and anorexic. you can see it. but for myself... im big, im not as sick as them. im not sick at all.
   when i know... that i may be bigger than them, but that doesnt mean im not sick... not that im planning to admit ti to myself, even though i write it here.

I can write... im sick here. but that doesnt make me believe it. that doesnt make me see myself as thin and sick.
  

Spoilt rotten!!

Today was a really day, Was at Mando until lunch, and then after lunch - Fish and spinach gratang, i got to go into town to meet my mum and sister!
   We did a bit ALOT of shopping!! But i felt so guilty, i dont feel i deserve what i bought. the angst and guilt and worry just kept building up in me, until finally i burst... I cant buy anymore. i dont deserve it. Mum calmly talked to me, its ok to buy clothes, you need new clothes.... but i wad feeing evyr shit inside.
   Then we took a fika, there wasnt much to choose form, pies, HUGE cookies, muffins and carrot cake... but i took this small bakewell tart and a chai tea.
   I know.... not enough. and hte way mum looked at me... jsut made me cringe in my sat, feeling even worse.
Each bite i took, made me more and mroe paniced... it felt like suddenly the small tart was adding up to more and more calories.... 500, 600... one more bite.. add another 200 calories.
   i thought the inside would be jam, but it was like bread, soaked in butter or something.
i tried to be sneaky and drop the "crumbs" but the look mum gave me, how i could see the happiness fading from here eyes, how by that small act, i had ruined our whole day. i jus thought, its the same as a sandiwch. bread and butter and jam. ive eten that how many times at Mando?
  i finished the tart and then we carried on looking in shops!

It was soo good to get awya from Mando!!!
    After 4 hours of walking, im not tired though, not even after lugging around 2kg of shopping or soemthing... haha, maybe not?

Back home now, jsut after eating chicken and potatoe mash!!! that was a challenge... but it went well!!!

:)

Enjoy your evenings eveyrone!!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Amnesia?!

If I were to suddenly fall, hit my head and get amnesia. Do you think I would be normal again?
That anorexia would be gone?

That I would forget my fear of eating.
My fear of weight gain.
And the need to have control over everything??

I wish it could be that simple, to fall over, knock my head. Wake up and suddenly wake up and want cake for breakfast? (but that's not so normal is it? That's more of a binger or obese person?)
Well to wake up and want to eat breakfast?

Let me run away.

I dint want to do this. I. Want. To. Runaway. this isn't helping me.

I can't be here, why am I even here?!

I don't want to live like this, I don't want to live at all.

I'm tired of this.

I'm tired of anorexias grip on me, the choking hold it has on me.

I want to live my life.

I want to runaway, start a new life.

A life where I decide. Where I get to do what I want.

Where I don't have to sit here, in a prison.

I want my freedom back, I want to make my own choices.

I want to laugh, and have fun, be a teenage girl.

I want to runaway, and start a new.

Only remember the necessary.

The brain is a funny thing.
It wipes away the memories we don't want or need.

I've forgotten how I was for the past 3-4 years in ireland, while I was sick. Just snippets.
I can't remember the two times I was in HDV. I cant remember the times I was in the hotel.
I've forgotten it all, I'm not complaining about it. Think it's good. Who wants to remember those memories anyway?

But I've also forgotten some good memories. Memories which I wish I could keep.

It's amazing though, how the brain knows, what we need to remember and what we don't.
What the shit bits are.

:)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Theres two of me.

Im no longer, one person. its two of me. One wants to do one thing, while the other wants to do the complete opposite.
   its a continuous battle.......




Right side.                                                                                           Left side.

* Wants to eat.                                                                      * Doesnt want to eat.
* Wants to sit.                                                                       * Doesnt want to sit.
* Wants to relax                                                                    * Doesnt want to relax.
* Doesn't care about weight                                                 * Thinks obsesivley about calories and
or calories.                                                                                    weight.
* Wants to eat junk food.                                                       * Does NOT want to eat junk food.
* Doesnt want to do exercise,                                                 *Wants to excessivly exercise.
apart from the daily activities.
* Wants to sleep and have                                                       * Does NOT want to sleep or have lie ins.
lie ins.
* wants to socialize and be with                                              * Doesnt want to be with other people
other people.                                                                                just on her own.
* Has the right positive attitude.                                              * Thinks everythings shit and worthless.                                                         
* Doesnt get angst or panic.                                                     *Gets very bad angst and panic.
* isnt depressed.                                                                      *Is depressed
* wants a life.                                                                           * Doesnt want a life.
* wants a healthy body.                                                            *Doesnt want a healthy or normal body.
* Doesnt count calories or care about weight.                         *all she does is think about weight and          
* Wants to eat what she wants, when she wants                            calories.
 and how much she wants. 
* Doesnt want anorexia.                                                              *Wants anorexia.


They're two complete opposties... and i seem to be both.

Words which i hate.

These are jsut soem words which i hate. i hate the meaning of them. the way people say it. i hate evyrthing about the words.

Fat
Thin
Obese
chubby
pizza
oil
oily
greasy
fatty
chips
lard
chocolate
weight gain
normal
puke
binge
Mcdonalds
fast food
junk food
binge fest
grease
eating disorder
high calorie
calories
diet
fasting
starving
boney
stick thin
paper weight light
lazy
training
high achiever
perfectionist
slob
food junkie
couch potatoe


i hate thoose words.. i hate hearing them. you'd think i wouldnt mind hearing low calorie, starving, dieting. but i hate it. i hate hearing thoose words.
   i hate seeing everywhere...do  YOU want to lose weight?  Yes... but  im not allowed.


and i hate words like fat,greasy, Mcdonlds, lard, it makes me cringe.

Im not to sure why im posting this up, i jsut started thinking about it today....

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lazy day.

Today was spent doing pretty much nothing.
Jist lazying about the house. no fun at all.

I baked some raisin cookies dipped in chocolate aswell. Apparently they were good. Didn't bother trying.

This morning I had a bit of a cleaning spree. Just cleaning the house, but after an hours work, the house was still messy - kinda pointless.
By 4pm I was tired. Tired. Tired.
Realized I hadn't like sat all day, but even though my legs were going to give in, I still wounding let myself sit. :(

I'm worried about tomorrow, if I'm weighed. I can feel it in my body, my thoughts, I think I've lost weight and yes... That's what I want most, but I'm trying my best, cus I've realized how much I don't want anorexia.
I want to become healthy.... Eat sweets. Pizza. Cheese toasties & hot chocolate for breakfast, take second helpings if I'm hungry and dessert. Not worry about calories or weight.
I seriously just want to get rid of anorexia.

Had this stupid argument with my mum, I cant even remember what it was, food anyway.

There's been so many arguemtntd lately that I don't want to be home anymore, I'd do anything to get out of the house.
But going back to Mando tomorrow, won't be a relief.

Finished watching despicable me today. Cute... But I don't know!! :)

Hoping everyone had a good weekend!!

Ghost wandering

After lunch on my own, bolognaise ravioli i set out for town to meet my mum an sister. :)
   my sister went home but me and mum had a look in the shops, seeing what there is there, so when we get a chance, maybe next weekend to go shopping?? :) hihi!

After a coffee we came home again.
   but we stopped in the shop... where my mum was oging to buy Saturday sweets. I thought, what the hell, i'll have some.
   i took a few pieces, maybe 10? and when it was weighed up, it was 85gram... but i didnt feel like adding any more.
 
When i got home, i sat down with Glamour magazine, and tried to eat the sweets.... horrible horrible. altogether i got about 5 pieces into me, and already my stomach was sore, my head was thumping... i couldnt manage anymore.
   so i just put the bag of sweet away. my mum was proud (i think) for what i had managed to eat. its a start anyway, or?

In town, i had seen a poster for ghost wandering. i've never been before, but always wanted too.
   So i thought, why not? its Earth hour tonight anyway.

So me and my sister headed into Gamla Stan....
   altogether hte wandering/tour was good.. was kinda scary at first cus there like "ghosts" kept jumping out from behind walls and scaring us, but after an hour of that, it got kind of tiring and i stopped screaming.... but there was still 20 minutes left... which wasnt so much fun as i couldnt feel my toes, fingers, thighs and my cheeks were burnign from the cold wind.

But it was an experience!!
   Really, im not to sure if i was allwoed to go, this weekend i dont think i was allowed to do so much, im supposed to follow my meal plan and take it easy, as we've gotten rid of the scandishake, so we're supposed to see how it goes.
   im kinda worried, he meal plan hasnt gone 100%, and ive done more walking then i should.... so im sure it will result in minus... (hehe).. but i'll blame it on... too low meal plan? (but i seriously dont want to add anymore food...)
  
;/

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I'm not fat... so why do i keep telling myself that i am?


Healthy.
thinnest.
Now.


Its OK - Im eating.

Ok, not 100%, but atleast 70%!!
   And you know what.... no guilt/panic or angst!! Progress, or what?

i do feel, that by subconsciously making hte decision to get better yesterday, ive decided, im going to eat for every meal. and yes, its not the full 100%... but im doing VERY well!! im proud of myself!
   Yesterday wasnt veyr good at home though, got into an arguement which leaded to scarred arms and legs, but thats yesterday.

The onyl problem now, is that im left at home, for lunch on my own. :O How will that go? Really nto sure, but im dtermined to eat.... not to sure if ill manage 350gram.... but atleast 200 - 280 im determined to make myself eat.
   
Later today, i think i might take a coffee out, i thought maybe today i should tyr ice cream, but i really dont feel ready for that, i think if i did, i would skip a meal. so its easier, to maybe jstu stick to a bun, if i take my snack out.

Every time  i see like 11.11 or 22.22 or one of my eyelashes comes out, i wish. I wish to gain weight. (fucked up, right?)

but im not adding to my meal plan.. ive calculated though, my meal plan is like 3500 cal... thats like... 1500 cal less that what i had before... :):)
   so i do have a feeling,that even if i do follow the meal plan, i still might not gain weight. cus i do a bit more activity, then i should.
   but i haev been sitting. im making myself. but its not completly easy.

I do wish though that i could gain msucle weight instead of fat weight. i mean, muscle does weigh more than fat? and then i can be toned.... bt i suppose, im planning once i can, to start dance lessons, not to exercise or lose weight, but because i enjoy dancing. but im worried that i'll feel like th fat one, and wont have the energy to dance for an hour?
   but when im allowed, im sure i'll be fine
  
Feeling... OK today. :/ Not brilliant, but not shit either.. haha!!
Im jsut hoping that i gain weight..(AHHHHH) so that i can finally get rid of anorexia.
  The thing is, i want to be healthy... but i so badly want to go back to my lowest weight 40kg. :( i was thin then. but im jsut trying to move on, stop thinking like that.
   I couldnt live my life then, and i want a life now. i want to live my life.

friends, parties, travelling, photos, memories, dancing, kissing, boys, cake, my family, my dog, clothes!!!.... :)




Friday, March 25, 2011

Feel good mood

Lunch is already forgotten.
I haven't swollen up like a balloon after eating potatoes drenched in oil. Nothing has happened to me. The angst and guilt after foods like that is awful.
I'm trying to remind myself, you want to get better. Get healthy.

Right now, I'm feeling very good!! Haha! I actually like what I'm wearing. Converse, leather jacket and skinny jeans (God knows when I last wore skinny jeans. I always feel fat in them, and it doesn't help that the jeans aren't baggy on me anymore, don't even need a belt for them anymore. :/ but I'm trying not to thunk of it.)
It definitely feels like spring when you can wear a leather jacket!! :)
   I'm planning next weekend to go on a shopping trip, I deserve it and need it. It just makes me feel crappy when I try to put on the clothes which used to be baggy on me, and now they're more fitted. It doesn't help. So it's time to get some new clothes, and try to not think about the clothes size. (36 now. Was 32-34 before. STOP! clothes size isn't important!)

I've also straightened my hair, and have my full fringe down, not hiding it away. It's funny how just straightening my hair, can make me feel good!!
I've also got loads of nice comments about my hair, everyone seems to like my full fringe and are impressed that I cut it myself.
So that's bringing a smile to my face, and I'm hoping that this smile stays here!!! :)




It's time to get better

Today, I decided. I'm not going to be sick longer. I'm going to get healthy, and finally be free of Mando. Free of anorexia.
I felt good about making the decision.

But now I'm scared, wish I could take back the thoughts, thoose traitor thoughts. Betraying me. There Tge types of thoughts that will make me fat.

Just after eating lunch, I dint think I can sit. I don't want to sit.
I just want to get out of here, not eat. I don't want to eat.
I want to run. Be free from here.

I don't want to eat when I go home.
And when my case manager mentioned maybe going out for a coffee in town. First I thought, great. Now, there's no way I'm going yo eat cake or any type of pastry.

I feel that by making the decision to get better, I've just crawled deeper into this all. There's no way I can eat when I go home. I'm not going to sit.

I want to be healthy, bit I don't want to have to through this, I just want to make these last 3-4 years dissappear.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

oH no oh no Oh no.

panic panic angst angst.
   i can feel it in my stomach. the clump.

jsut after eating my night snack, Ok, it wasnt the whole of it. but i ate something.

its supposed to be 4 biscuits with something on top... i took two. with just jam. so its not what it should be, but i can feel it in my stomach.
   its horrible, i feel im going to puke. just the thought.

fat fat fat fat fat is all thats going on in my head.

I munched the biscuits down in 5 minutes flat. jsut getting it out of hte way.

im going to go up in wieght. im not going to add more food to this meal plan now. i'll gain weight with this meal plan. i'll follow it. i wont let anorexia have control. i wont i wont i wont.


my head is spinning. i hate this angst... and just after like two biscuits???
  
so much inside of me.... and what if its not worthwhile? what if i lose weight, and eveyrone carrys on mistrusting me, even though i eat? (some point, i'll be able to eat wht actually is on my meal plan.)

hehe!!

video

lunch in town.

This morning went well, past by quickly. Met the dietitian, and im very glad with my changes!! haha... but it jsut means, ive definitely got to stick to my meal plan. and thats what ive decided. i will. i will. i will.
   But i want to go back again next week, to just fix one or two things and add mroe alternatives!!

Then it was lunch out today!! Thank god, it meant, no battered fish with mayonnaise sauce for me!!
   I had no idea where i wanted to eat, he kept saying all these ideas , Thai, Chinese (tooo fatty) Italian (but thats pizza or pasta) fish and chips (Hell no.) greek (Wouldnt have been so bad, but he meant kebabs... so no thank you.) Indian (too spicy) so we werent left with many, but then he said, Japense... and what is that i thought? Well it was Sushi!! Yay... food which i can easily eat, and dont need Mando meter.
   we didnt leave until abou 12.15, so didnt eat lunch until about 1pm.... but that was fine with me!

Then, instead of going back to Mando, i got to come home!! :)
   Funnily enough, i met my sister waititng for the train. so we came home together, and she wanted to do this little amera projject. so shes taken loads of these photos of me, i'll post soem of them up, once i gget a chance!! :)

So far, today has gone well. My case manager wants me to think of something i can maybe do tomorrow. any ideas?
   he sugested, cinema, bowling, fika, etc etc.. i suppose i'll see!!

At first, while i was in the car with my case manager, it was really awkward, or ididnt think it was, but my case manager is someone who likes to talk alot, not so good with silence, so he kept trying to fill the silence, while i was ok with jsut sitting there.
   Oh yes.... the sitting. First i panicked. i hated it.
But ive realised.... sitting in the car is good training to get me to sit. im stuck ther ein the car for 40 minutes. i have to sit. but im not ready to do sit training yet. im still trying to train myself to eat everything correctly.
    which im planning that today i will.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Gerascophobia

Gerascophobia - fear of growing old.


I jsut realised, im scared to grow old. When i saw this old woman today, grey hair, walking stick, arched back, saggy skin, Old..... mean... yes i know.
   but i was like..no, im never going to be like that. id rather die young than grow up.


I cant see myself being old, with gray hair, saggy skin, grandchildren, no life anymore. pain in my bones ((well i have that now.) and im jsut like, i dont want it. you can take it. kill me at 20. i dont want to be old.


But the thing is, i cant even see myself in 5 years. 20 years, 50 years, how the hell am i going to see myself in 70years time, as an old pensioner.
   Im scared. i dont know what i want with my life, which school to go to, which job.
I worry abut everything - money, finding a job, getting an education, finding a partner, having kids, having a house, paying taxes.... everything. and im only a kid, i shouldnt have to worry about that now.


Im scared of becoming old and dont want to, i dont think i even want to be 20. i want to be 5 again. life was easy. who wants to be  a teenager? or an adult? or a pensioner?






New plan.

Heres my plan -

Never drink energy drink AGAIN.


Food -  Eat. Eat dinner correctly adn eat my night snack. <--- How that will ggo. im not to sure.

Sitting - Find one or two programs which i like, and make sure, that i sit and watch them. Like, a half hour program on Monday, and then another on Thursday or seomthing, and then i have to sit and watch it. <--- Ok, Half an hours not alot, but for me, who never sits, it might work. But i have a feeling it wont. cus i really cant concentrate on TV, its only now ive started watching films again, and they're ones on the computer, and then im doing some thing else while i watch anyway. so its not like im concentrating on the film.
   if it does work though, and i manager to sit and watch the program, if i even bother to try, then  i can try sitting and watching and hours program,

The weekend - I know i wont be able to follow my meal plan 100%, but i have to try 50% anyway. like maybe not eat the whole snack, but atleast try to eat seomthing, and then dinner and lunch, should be correct.
   
I was also thinking i should try ice cream, as now its spring time and i want to be able to eat ice cream during summer, but really... i dont want to eat ice cream. so i think im gonna scratch that idea.


The above is just a small plan i made for myself, nothing ive told anyone about. because i knw, i most probably wont even stick to it. Like im already trying to find reasons why i shouldnt eat - feel sick. lunch wasnt nice. i feel big. i am big. i dont need to eat. my stomach is sore etc etc.
  And the sitting - well, am i sitting now?No, so that just goes to show that there most probably is only 5% chance i'll actually sit.
  and the weekend. Well what happens happens?

Tomorrow its lunch out, and the dietitian.
   i dont think they'll be any posts until later... but keep checking!! haha :) Always nice to see when my page views are HIGH!  :):):)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Good? Bad?... I have no Friggin' idea.

Good - The scandishake is gone frmo my meal plan.... around 6 months of it!! one every day... ok, not really, i only drank it like 2/3s of hte time!! but i had vowed before that, i would never drink any energy drinks.
   so im glad that its gone. but we're just gonna try, for a week or so.

Also, im gonna meet the dietitan, and maybe, change around my meal plan? not to sure.

Bad - my wieght has stayed hte same, for the last 3-4 weeks. which is kinda good for me... but bad. because, now my case manager knows, ive just said bullshit, and htat i cheat adn dont follow my meal plan. even though, hes still gotten id of the scandishake. he thinks, that i cheat, cus of the guilt from drinking hte scandishake.. but i know ill still cheat even with it gone.
   But also... now that he knows that i cheat... or maybe he thinks its just at home, then everyone will be on full watch to make sure i dont.
   which i suppose will help me, but its not what i want. :/ AHHH

I have no idea how im feeling. ecstatic that the scandshake is gone. but kind of like... Shit, he knows im cheating and lying.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ive felt pretty crap today. trying to eat was the worst, my stomach seems to haev shrnk, it was painful trying to fit the food in.
   I was almost in tears during my ten snack.
Lunch was.... hard to eat, but not the worst. Pasta with chicken. pasta was bland, as theres no seasoning, but hopefuly they're going to bring that back.
  
Ive felt that im about to cry at any given point. i dont know why. everything just seems hard. yesterday and today.
  its jsut my down days, im sure i'll pick up again some time. but everyone seems to have realised that im feeling shit.
  i almost feel bad for my case manager, he has such a shitty patient. that thought almost makes me want to do right.

I lost my phone today. i dont know where, and dont knwo how. but i walked around and around oing back everywhere i had been, but no luck.
   so when it came to 3 snack, cus i was so stressed about that i ahdnt found my phone, at first i felt i was stress eating stuffing the food into me. so instead, i slowed down. thats what i do. when im stressed when im eating i feel im eating to fast which makes me slow down, which means i spend ages eating.
  it took me like half an hour.
  and then a kitchen staff came and said that someone had found my phone..Thank God. i was going into panic mode.
   its taught me a lesson.. i think.

Now im home. my stomach is in a tight ball. who do i listen to, my case manager the scandishake is gone, and you need to do right. eat. or anorexia dont eat, now the scandishake is gone, you an start dropping the kilos....WIN!


i have no idea, doesnt help that im home alone now for dinner and night snack.... which to listen to.]

Also.... my case manager really should keep his mouth closed, or think before he talks... he said.... you need to eat so you become fat and strong.
  WHAT? yeah... thanks alot. you really helped.


Thursday, im eating lunch out. Its better than Mando... or is it really? im not to sure. But we'll see how things go.

Now its decision time.... im thinking the latter... dont eat.



Behind locked doors.

Ok, in short. yesterday did not  go well.


I told my mum and sister, i felt shit and wasnt in the mood to talk when i got home.
   but they tried making conversation, so when i avoided them, they thought i was being rude. which lead to tension and anger.
  then i got talking to my mum, and ... i think i started talking about weight. how i didnt want to gain anymore. hate my body and all that shit.
  we started arguing.
And i locked myself in the bathroom. she jumped to the conclusion that i was self harming, which i can say for a fact, i wasnt. i didnt feel i needed to. it wasnt that sort of feelings. just anger, i jsut needed to get away.
  then i stayed in there, refusing dinner.

I came out around 7pm, 2 hours in the bathroom.... i basically just stood there staring at myself....
   Then i got into another arguemnt with mum.

i know your cheating. i know you dont follow your meal plan. i do. i tried to convince her... PURE BULLSHIT.
  She didnt believe me needless to say.

she tried to get me to eat, but i was stead fast on not eating. my stomach was in pain, it had wrapped itself into a small pea size ball and wouldnt let another morsel into my mouth.
   For the rest of the night, i avoided my family. jsut standing around. ready to collapse, but not wanting to sit.

Things were just bad.  i have no idea why.

After i had argued with mum again, i didnt go and hurt myself.
  in the end, to get my anger out, i jsut scribled and teared about 50 pieces of paper apart... my new anger technique.

Tomorrow, i have no idea whats going ot happen. will mum talk to my case manager? most probably.
  will i even go to Mando? will i come home again? I sure dont want to.

I guess i'll just have to see. :/

FML.


  
  

Monday, March 21, 2011

2 favourite songs.

Breathe - Superchick.



Last night - Skillet




Kinda depressing, but i love them!

Monday

Another Mando day is over.

It went by qqquuuiiiccckllllyy. im seriously thanking God for that, so far, my days at Mando pass quickly.
   They've made a new kind of sitting room. a place to sit and hang chairs, sofas, windows. its cosy.
After breakfast when i felt seriously sick, but almost satisfied, as it had been like, 20 hours since i had eaten or something... (yup, it shouldnt have been that long.)
   I sat in that room, with a warming blaanket (Ive GOT to buy myself one of thoose) and read a very good book! :) haha, interesting. No, but thats how my days are.

And then, before i knew it, lunch time. Burger, with butter roasted potatoes. Ugh. Not one bti nice. but i jstu have to plough through it, dont i?

And then, the next 3 hours passed quickly, and then it was snack and home.

When i got home, my mood turned from Happy to Fuck all. and angry.
   dont know what it is.

My stomach also started to go funny, giving painful squeezes...DONT EAT. is what goes through my mind when i come home, and my stomach is on my minds side. it really hurts.
    eating is so hard at home.

I saw one or two patients today, who are like healthy. and i know this is sad. but they looked really good! bodywise, and mental wise! haha.

im trying to accept that, 60 is what im going to have to weigh. it really does scare me, and im no way near, accpeting it.
   but just keeping eating, and sooner or later, ill be 60, and then im going to have to learn to like my body.
The only thing is, its nearly been a month since i was last weighed, im not planning to mention it, but im scared, how much have i gained?


In a way, it almost feels pointless that i eat at Mando, cus when im home, nothing goes right.
Im trying to tell myself, next week, new start. thats when things go right. it just doesnt though. im too scared too eat right when im on my own, but i cant have mum sit with me.
   i just dont know what to do.

I seriously hate being home. my mood is always so bad. and i hate that theres no routine.
 
My body aches by a hundred. every bone, i cant stand, i cant sit, i cant walk, i cant move. its jsut painful, painful, painful. i think i pushed myself to far during the weekend, too much standing.
   i think ive like poppped something in my back. :(

Painful painful painful.

I hate the way my life is.

I really do think its f**ked up, that i have to got o a hospital to eat. everyone eats, its normal, its what people do.
  yet me, and hundreds of other people, also have to.
I just think its weird, how could i stop eating? what made me like this, made me scared of food, scared of weight gain, hate my body so much?
   i was never self conscious, i dont think i ever thought too much about my body, i knew i was the skinny one. the one everyone told ot put on weight.
   i dont think i every looked in the mirror, and just stared at my body. sure, i had my down days, who doesnt?
But they never lased long. i didnt weigh myself. i ate what i wanted.
   I thought i was a great size. Model height and weight.
I didnt count calories, i dont think i even knew how to count them, like my sister, she doesnt get how  i count calories. how i ave to check the nutritional value of everything, even though i know what it says already. its as if, by magic, the calories will have changed in the milk, or something.
  I didnt hate myself, i hated my CF, and still do. but not me.

I never thought suicide, i never thought self harm. i did have my bad days, where i was pretty gloom. bu i would cheer up again.
  
I could sit down. there would be periods when i would go from my bedroom, to the sofa. no activity, that would be when i was nto in school.
   i didnt panic over food. i didnt refuse food. i was always a slightly picky eater, but nothing major. i was never big into trying new things either.

People used to call me happy. Now, im called depressed.


How can things change so much? in 3 years.
   but really, its just 2 years which everything has really happend. where ive changed nad changed and changed again. my mood changing, the way i think... everything, my whole life. obsessing abut things which i never did before, stoppin eating.

What happend? how did i end up this way.

Im not pro anorexia, i didnt start dieting to lose weight. i didnt think anything about EDs, i didnt know anyone who had an ED, i didnt think about it generally, but if i did, i think i just thought they were stupid, couldnt understand how very complicated this all is.

I feel i most have been Hitler in my past life.


  

Sunday, March 20, 2011

New look.

I dont know what happend, but today, i got so frustrated with my hair. it was just... not right. i hated it. i hated the way i looked. i hated my hair... so i went and got a scissors.
   I didnt do anything drastic, just cut my fringe. so its full fringe. will i regret ti later, yes, im sure i will.


Im not good when i get anrgy or frustrated or irratated.
  My poor phone, how many times ive throw it against the wall out of pure frustration.
Now its my hair, i was planning ot jsut cut it...any way. but im glad i iddnt. i would refuse ot go out of the house then.

After lunch, which wasnt proper lunch. i headed out to town. i just wanted to be out, out in the sun.
    the time passed quickly. 

and tha was pretty much my day. watched two films also, Eclipse and Hereafter.
   Mando tomorrow, and i think im there for hte full week. nothing planned.

But one of these days im going to go to the dietitian and redo my meal plan. night snacks, which isnt jstu teh food thats at Mando. maybe get rid of hte scandishake, maybe lower my meal plan? Yes, i hope so.

Just one or two pictures!! :)


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Dinner for 4! :)

After my melt down this morning it took a goo while until we finally made it out of hte house.
   we were gonna go to the Fotograkiska (photography) museum, but it was so packed that it wouldnt haev eben any fun, so we jsut wondered down to Gamla Stan, and sat in the sun.
  then my mum was going to go see a choir sing, so i headed home.

I was suddenly frozen when i got home, so i just hopped in the shower, changed too my pajamas and watched a film, 20 minutes of Eclipse.
   then mum came home, reminding me that we had guests for dinner tonight. My aunt and her partner.

Mum had done some food shopping so i started to cook teh food, prawn curry with coconut milk adn rice.
  and of course, a lovelyy salad!

The food was.... ahhh. ususally prawns are my favourite food, but ive kinda gone off them. the salad i admit was nice.
   Then i kind of headed off, i didnt want to sit there any longer and i felt sick from the food.
 Then later htey had dessert, caramel ice cream, caramel sauce adn chocolate pieces. looked good, but i passed.

Definitely tired now.

Tomorrows Sunday, no plans so far. maybe try to get out if the sun is out!!




Morning tears.

I hate my body.
  its like, from yesterday till today, it looks like ive gained 10kg over night.
I cant say i felt small yesterday, but.... compared to today... then yes.

all i seem to be doing is crying. having these huge like strops over my clothes, i hate it. i hate feeling like this. the tears jsut keep fallling.

It feels like ive gained a whole load of weight from yesterday till today. my thighs are nearly touching, my bottom sticks out, my stomach is just plump.
   each time i look in the mirror, i burst into tears. im trying to avoid the mirror, but really, the only thing i want to do is look into the mirror, see my failure of a body, see how its being ruined.
   i cant stand my   body, but at the same time, all i want to do is stare at it.

I hate the way my clothes sit on me, the only thing i used ot be comfortable in was leggings/tights with a dress, so that i could hide my stomach.
  but now i have the issue of... my legs are too big, my thighs dont look good in tights/leggings. so im no longer comfortable in that.
  i feel i should walk around in a potatoe sack.

I cant wear my skinny jeans, im not comfortable in them, its too cold for skirts or shorts, i dont like tight tops, i cant wear tops, they have to be the like dress/tops... that leaves me to.... trackies... and hoodies.
   what i usually wear. tank top, trackies and a hoody. but suddenly they dont sit right. suddenly my trackies dont hang off me, the hoodies arent as loose.
 
im changing and i hate every moment of it.


im left with nothing to wear. a wardrobe full of clothes, which i refuse to wear.
 
this is just impossible, i just want to be healthy, but i so badly want to be thin. and i cant have both....but why?








Creativity

So this morning, cant say things went extraordinary, but anyway.
    But i felt, really pepped. not to do right, but just....pepped. or some type of feeling, im not so good with knowing what im feeling.
   I started ot cut out these words from old newspapers, planning on making a collage!!
Not soo sure how it will go... :)
   This great, happy energy lasted until i was going ot get dressed. then it was tears. i couldnt find anything to wear. i hate the way i look.