Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, February 28, 2011

7th week in hell

This is my 7th week in HDV. God how time passes. Basically all January and February in here. Not how I thought I'd enter the New Year. but sure, what can I do about it, apart from work my way forward?

But imagine, if things had gone well over the Xmas break, if I had carried on eating and not lost weight. If I was still a day patient when I cane back. 7 weeks is alot of time for progress. I could have tried eating chocolate or crisps. Maybe start eating wii base to get rid of the Mando Meter. Not have to measure everything up. Not have to drink the scandishake anymore. Not come to Mando everyday. Have more friends. Be allowed to do more stuff.
Be further in the recovery. Gotten used to my body, liked it. And before Xmas I wasn't cheating anymore. Even taking the scandishake at home, that doesn't mean that I still didn't have my problems. Like cream, butter, oil. And I did still get days when I just couldn't eat or got panic over dinner or something. But I was clOser to healthy then than I am now.
Skipped out on an OD. Skipped out on these panic attacks and horrible feelings (never had it like this before) think..... If only things had carried On going forward. Bur sure.... What can I do about it now? I can't turn back time, no matter how much I wish it.

The photo course went well today.... But it wasn't so much fun. We just talked about the basics, what I already knew. But I did learn a thing or two. But it was slightly boring. It was just him talking. I. Wish we had taken more photos.
Maybe tomorrow?

I'm kind of appreheneive about going back. It just wasn't fun. I dunno. It was more cus I felt tired and couldnt concentrate and was in panic mode cus I had like sat for 2 hours.

Also I have major blisters on my feet making it hard to go. really not fun.

Tomorrow I'm going go find out what's next for me. Also gonna meet the dietitian. I want to sort our my options, so that I actually like them. But I dont know how willing shell be with my changes I want to make, cus as I mentioned before, she's not very nice.

I'll just keep my fingers crossed for a good outcome :)

Xx good night everyone!!

Its time to defy gravity.

I felt inspired... and wanted to take a few photos. i havent edited them... so bare with me!! haha
   (and its mainly me as hte model... LOL)












Photo course!

This week i get to go to a photo course...Yes!! It will be good, or i hope it will. jsut getting away from Mando will be good.
  
I love tking photos, always have, but ever since i ot my camera for my birhday ive been like obsessed with it. that doesnt mean that im any good at it. and really... i only use myself as a model.. hehe :)
    but i wish i was better at taking photos like outside, like geting the lighting right or zooming in and focus adn all that. so im hoping ill learn soemthing at the course. and make new friends!! im kind of apprehensive. but im tring to think, this is a really good opertunity!! i mean, when will i get to do this again?
   And i think it will be good for me. see a little bit more not just sit inside.

and i mean... this is what i want and need. i need to live. realise that Mando, is not a life. think... ive gone up in weight (dont think about it. dont think abotu it. dont think about it.) but im allowed to do this type of stuff now. go home. go to photo courses. go shopping. maybe not dancing or swimming or soemhting yet... but it will come.
    when i first came... even though i think i could, i wouldnt have had the energy to do seomthing like the photo course. i had lost my interest for taking photos.
  
so... jsut think, its ok to go up a few kilos, is it really such a sacrifice to be able to do the stufff i want? - yes  no.... its jsut good....   :O



^^My camera.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Shock!!



Got back to Mando ok. Late. As I missed the train resulting in me missing the rest of the public transport, and as it's Sunday, you need to wait extra lOng for the next to come.
Dinner went in well.

After dinner I got some news - Dun Dun Duhhh my case manager is moving. To the other Mando. Should I be happy? Sad? I don't know. Just confused.
Basically I'm ready for day ward anyway, so it's nit like I would have had her for that long anyway. But I mean, what will happen now for these days before I become a day patient?

Its all so confusing. And kind of surprising. I'm just gonna have to go with it, see how things go.

Also, tomorrow and next week. I get to go to this photo course. Not sure where it is, but away from mando anyway!! I'm surprised I'm allowed to go. It's from after lunch till my 3 snack.
I have to take lunch earlier - suck. And bit sure how we do with the 3 snack. My options are - 1) take my snack when I get back 2) break my snack up through out the day. (I don't think I can do this. What am I supposed to do, tske 2 bowls of yoghurt for my 10 snack? Errr no?) 3) take energy drinks. I want to take neither. But we'll come to some conclusion.

It will be so good to get away from Mando. Meet done new peipe, do something wuichni love, taking photos. So hopefully it will be good.
But what I can't help thinking is - your fat now. That's why you can go. No other HDV patient would be allowed it. So that sucks. big time.

I'm hoping this week goes well. I need it to. I want it too.
I almost feel I have no energy. I'm tired of this, it's taking all my energy. Why can't I just be healthy now? How long does this have to carry on for?along as I let it carry on for

I'd it time for bed now? Nope.... I'm thinking some funny bids on YouTube!!!

Night night!!




I actualy like pasta

Hello everyone :)
So much for my blog paus?

Today, I found Out, that I actually like pasta weird huh?
For lunch I Cooked Quorn mince with sweet corn - Mmmmmm and pasta!! And it was nice ( it might have been cus I hadn't actually eaten anything proper before that, all day) and also it might have been cus I added lots if herbamare (like a spice salt thing)
The only reason I don't like pasta is that here at Mando the pasta us just empty calories and carbs. There's no flavoring. You can't add any salt or pepper. And of course, there's always a cream sauce. Do that meal us never any nice.
But at home, you can add flavoring to make it nice.
And I can eat it however I want!! With

Tuna
Melted cheese
Chicken
Q
Mince and sweet corn
Quern sausages
Meatballs
Ketchup and cheeses
Ham and cheese
Tomato sauce
Potato salad
Mozarella and olives!!

So many alternatives!!

And then there's so many sorts of pasta!! Round ones, long ones, cylinder shaped ones etc etc!!

I mean, I even like tortellini, but it's the suave it comes with! I like noodles aswell!! And I even like pasta carbonara, bit it's the sauce which gets to me. And at mando. The pasta is just euchh.... Making it 10 times harder to eat. It tastes bland, like cardboard. Kind of unfair that were expected to eat that kind of food.



Blog paus.

I think i might stop blogging for  a bit. i think i need a break. i mean, i started blogging so i could get everything out. all the feelings, emotions, thoughts...jstu eveyrhting and it helped, it really did.
   but i feel, im more of an open book now. i talk a little bit more. aand ive started writing in a journal....everything. theres no lies in that journal. its my whole day. all my feelings, on her ei jstu write part of them. only half of what i feel and is going on in my mind.
   i hope that when i read over my journals, i´ll see how i was. like ive read other recoverd or recovering anorexics blogs, and theyve like written journals, adn from reading over them, theyve seen how sick they actuyally were.
   so when im healthy... i might read over them, i might not.

But it helps to write as i still dont exactly talk.

I think,.... i jsut need to get my mind right. i need to stop cheating and jstu get better. i want ot get rid of anorexia soo much. im tired of it. i want to live my life. i want to eat food adn enjoy it. i want to sit and relax and not care about relaxing.
   i want to go to school. i want to meet friends. have a boyfriend. jsut have my CF to deal with. go to town adn go shopping. starting writing lessons, start taking photo courses. start dancing and learning to play the guitar. start working, part time.
   enjoy my life. enjoy summer when in comes. im not planning to be in Mando for summer. im planning to be able to eat ice cream and be ok with being ina  bikini and lieing sun bathing for hours. jsut being outside in the sun, going for picnics and barbeques, swimming, dancing, shopping.
   i want it all. but am i getting it sitting in Mando, scared ot eat and coming home adn cheating?No... im not.

is there any point sitting in Mando being skinny and scare dto eat when i could be "normal", "healthy" and living my life. being a happy teenage girl who loves life and loves food!


i used to be like that, happy, looved eating, had friends... had a life. so why cant i go aback to that.

Ok, so i need to put on a few kilos, is that really such a sacrifice when i could eb doing eveyrhting i want to do. and hteres so much of it.

i even want to start modelling. but i dont think ill do it, i think it will affect me too much. but i hope i will!!

I jstu want ot be happy and live life.

so i need ot take a  while to think. to see what it is i really want. how do i want o live my life. ive spent to much of it being sick. too much time being scared to live, not letting myself enjoy life.

I feel i havent been blogging so much lately anyway. nothign too mch to say.

I know i wont stick to not blogging. so keep checking, and ask any questions you want... im jsut happy to answer them....actually...my page views have dropped.... quite alot. Hmmm.... LOL

I have some new photos, kinda cool ones to upload anyway... so i´l do that later when im back at Mando. and then it might be a blog paus.


But keep checking...daily! lol

xxx

im ready..or i think i am.

Ive missed chocolate. hahah.... i tok this tiny nibble of my mums Marabou Raspberry yoghurt chocolate. it was nice.
   it was the tinciest thing, so my angst, panic wasnt too strong, also i knew that my 3 snack wouldnt be exactly 100% anyway.
   but i was like Nice. ive missed this.

and then i was like.... i want to eat chocoalte...go and buy a bar and sit down and enjoy it. like i want ot be able to do that on my own. go shopping and feel..oh, im hungry. well fuck jsut drinking some water or eating a small fruit. i want something nice (not that water or fruit isnt nice.) and be able to pick out a ncie piece of chocolate.  but this feeeling only lasts too long. i mean.... now im back to thinking omg. choclate. fat, fat fat. calories, calories, calories. no way can you eat seomthing like that. but there is this back thought. taking a piece of say 25g chocolate is about the same as taking a risifrutti. i mean... come on. and choclate is nicer. Rissifrutti is jstu cream and you seem to be able to eat that. ouldnt it be nice to try choclate. my answer is yes, i would like to try. but i get os much panic jsut thinwking of it. but i would like to think that i could do it, but i really dont think i could.
    Some day i will though.

Soon. someday when i feel pepped. ill do it. maybe on my own. it might be easier. i can stand at the shop fo 15 minutes trying to find which i want. checking hte calorie content. then picking one. and i can stand in a corner. or sit somewhere public. where i want to eat it. and then... i can nibbel it. and take as long time as i take. and stop, wehn i feel i cant eat any more.
    i most probably wont be able to eat   a whole thing my first time. but say half would eb god enough.

so one day... maybe in a few weeks. when ive stopped cheating. when im stronger. or maybe i need ot do it now. give me that push to realise that food is ok to eat. that  for now, i need ot gain hte weight. but it wont be forever and someday ill learn to accept my body. ill learn to live with it. im going to have to.
    all this is so much easier ot write out. i mean, when it comes to eating a chocolate bar, and i would eb on my own. i would take  a nibble, get soo much panic, through the chocoalte bar away and then i dont know what id do. go cut myself or go for a run... dont know.
   ir what i would end up doing is eating the whle thing, feeling disgusted and start puking or seomthing.

thats what im worried about, that ill find hte chocoalte so ncie, that ill gladly eat the whole bar. and then ill feel such hatred and anger that ill go puke...or try to. or self harm or start exercising.
    im worried that ill jsut keep eating. cus i admit, chocolate is nice. i jsut wont allow nmyself to eat it.

Its such a struggle. such a mental battle. theres this voice which is so positive, which can see that im not fat at all. that i need to gain weight. that im not healthy. and need help. but then theres the otherside, which is so much stronger telling me that im fat, and "healthy". i doont need help. i dont need to eat anymore. that side wont allow me to eat either.
    i dont want ot listen to any of those voices or thoughts. i jstu want to be me. eat what i want when i want.
   i dont want this battle/struggle.

once a cheater, always a cheater.

What did i think... that once we nmoved house. moved environment. i would suddenly change? my mind set. that i would think... mmm food. yeah, ill do right.
   Nope...am i really that stupid? once a cheater, always a cheater... jsut like they say.

I wish i could do right, but i jsut cant make myself.


i am trying. but it really doesnt matter. cus i mean... in the nd. either  follow my meal plan and carry on going up in wieght..or i might aswell not eat at all. theres no point taking a smalll nibble and thinking thats enough.
   its jstu as sick as not eating.

Im surprised and scared at yself for which measures i go to to cheat. i jsut need to stop. stop here and now. and realise this is sick, you're not normal. no normal person would go to these type of lengths to not eat. i know it, and i can say to myself. your not healthy, your no way near it. no one would od this type of stuff. but i  cant accpet it. i cant stop.
  
Like i know...this is jsut wrong. but i still think.... oh what the hell? will it make a difference, no? - Yes.... they´ll be able to tell instantly with my wieght. even though it doesnt seem like it. and when i cheerily say.... i did everything right. followed my meal plan. it will mean.... more put onto my meal plan.

so its not worth it.

and why do i keep telling myself im healthy when i know and can se for myself, that im not. im jsut as sick as i was when i weigh 40kg.
   but that also means.... for me. weight doesnt matter. i was jstu this sick when i weighed 10kg less. i needed to talk this out. find otu what my problem is. why do i cheat so much, why do i do everything wrong. just eating and feeling Safe, yet Shit at Mando isnt helping. it makes me go up in weight. but once im on my own.
    it doesnt help.

i need to get a grip of myself.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

forget the old and start a new.

So now we've moved. trying to get settled into the new apartment. but it feels good. but i dont know how long htis feeling will last.
    Im planning to jsut forget hte past, all the cheating adn lies. its old, the past. learn from my mistakes. now im going ot really get better, make things work. of course, its easier said than done,


This morning was kind of streessy.... or what you call it. i felt all stressed while i was doing my tray, and it was so tight, that when i sat down, i felt stressed. so i d´took smaller bites. when i feel stressed i find that i cold eat really fast... adn that feels like binge eating, as if my eating isnt under control, so then i find its easier to take smaller bites and prolong the meal.

Then i got home.... i got this awful feeling, the same feeling i got last weekend. all teh memories came flooding back. i couldnt be in the hosue.... i jsut couldnt.
    i instead went down to the shop to by my snack.

When i got back.. i just got on with eating my snack, but then my sister got on my case.... are you eating right? i dont think so. the yoghurt is only 3% fat. yes.... thats what im supposed to have. what, do you think i have a 10% fat yoghurt?
   i got all upset over that and was ready to storm out. they didnt want me in the house,  i was unwelcome.
   i dont think my mum and sister realise how guilty i feel. over this whole thing, i wish i could take their pain away. not make them go through this, and im trying.
   but sometimes i feel, to take their pain away, i should jsut leave. die. not put them through this any longer. im told that that would do the exact opposite. but how? as long as they dont ahve to go through this anymore..... anything would eb better?

But i regret telling my sister ot go to the siblings meeting. she seems to know alot more now. and i hate it. shes all on my case. its like... enough i already ahev mum on my case. so back off. 
   Ughhh i hate it. shes like...no, you cant cook. no you cant go to the shop to buy oyur snack.
Oh, im sorry, are you my mum? are you a case manager? No....your my sister. and you shouldnt butt in. jsut leave me to this alone.

Hate her, and hate this.

Today ive done ALOT of exercise. walking up and  down steps, carrying and lifting heavy bags!!!
   It feels good. i feel tiredness in my body.. heh... but everytime i look in the mirror, i jsut want o break it. i cant see my reflection. i can see the difference in my body. and i hate hate hate it.
    i can see how much ive gone up in weight, and it doesnt look good.

i mean....how am i supposed to do right....when i hate my self??

my 3 snack didnt go in... btu for dinner ill eat, and i suppose my night snack as well,

i was supposed to start fresh, new.... btu ive felt so sick. my stomach is sore and im tired.

I still have tomorrow to make up for today though..not eveyrthing is fucked.

so far i haevnt had any bad thoughts or feelings. i do ahev a tablet which i can take though, if thigns gettoo much. which is calming in itself. knowing that if i start to panic or get worried, i can take the pill and not have ot resort to self harm.

Good night eveyrone!!

Hope thigns go well tomorrow for me... ;)



Friday, February 25, 2011

and its friday...yet again.

And so another week had gone by.
It feels lke forever ago when I did what I did but it's only been a week. The more I think about it, the more I wish I had died.
I'm so tired of living. I hate this life, I hate my life.

I'm so worried about the weekend, the closer it gets the more panicked and nervous I get. The more I want to stay at Mando.

What will happen when I'm home? Will I argue? Wil I cheat? Will I follow my meal plan? Will I self harm? Get bad panic or angst?

Mum will do the cooking and the shopping witch makes me panic. I know I'm getting to get cross and argue over that.

I'm just so scared, I want to do right, I just don't have the strength or power for it.

Next week is sport lovet. Or midterm. All the schools are off for a week.
We've found this photi course which I'm hoping I can take. But it's between the times 1pm - 3.15 pm.
I think it would be good if I could go. I love my camera andbi love taking photos, I think it would make me happy, like my case manager is saying.
But I'm still in HDV. I mean I don't know how much activity I'm allowed.
But I mean.... I'm still in HDV cus of last weekend and I need a case manager. My weight is a healthy weight now. I'm allowed to do a bit more movement and exercise.
I tjink. More so than Before anyway.

God... im panicking about the weekend. i miss mum and want to see her. but everything seems so hard. so scary.
   im walking out into the darkness.

Im hoping i can take with me these like calming tablets. im going to need them. but when i asked... they were like "cus of last weekend. we're not so sure if we want to send you  home with any more pills".... but i need them.
   if i dont get soemthign that will calm me down... then i'll self harm... i know it. things get to hard at home. i need something to jsut stop the thoughs.... to make me jstu get on with eating... i need to ask mum to talk to them.....

I dont want to see myself.

I cant stand seeing myself. the way ive swollen up. the way my belly stands out, the way my thighs are so much bigger. the fat on my arms.
   i ccant see my bones standing out so much.

Im just not thin anymore. And yet.... everyone acts like im so thin, as if ill break by the slightest movement. but its not true.
   let me go dancing, running ,shopping... i can do it. i have the energy. stop it with the whole.. 'oh your still so underwieght.'

Ive had enough.

I want to turn away from my body. i cant look at it.... it shouts ugly!
   I dont want to hear my houghts, i dont want to see my body. i hate it. i dont like the change. i dont like ti one bit. its all wrong. i dont want this body. this isnt what i want.

cant i be thin but still eat?No.... yu have to be big and eat.
   I want to be normal...thinking normal.. not weight normal.

I was a BMI of 14 when icame. but ive calculated... if my goal weight is like 55kg... then my BMI will be 18... :( its too much. thats "healthy" i dont want it.
     ive enver been in hte "healthy" rane..or i have... jsut under it. between underweight and healthy.... but i wont be allwoed that. i wont be allowed. ill always be bigger than i was if i hadnt stopped eating. :(

Im scared. i dont want to be any bigger. im big enough.....

when will this stop? its pain, its torture...  i dont want it anymore.



I'll never be small again.

We're all the same.

Today has gone by quickly, but at the same time slowly.
   ive felt all paranoid and sick today. its felt that eveyr whisper, every conversation between staff behind closed doors is about me. i dont know why. but i shouldnt have to feel this way.
  Also... for soem reason, for my ten snack. i took this option which i never take. as ive calculated...it has like 100 more caloires or soemthing than the other 2. i have no idea why i took it.
   bbut i felt sick ad all panicky afterwards. i wanted to scream, run... anything than just sitting there feeling all that inside of me. listnein to the thoughts.
  i felt awful. the panic, angst, guilt it was jsut building up in me... making my head pound, my heart beat faster... i was going crazy.
   I couldnt eat another meal.... i felt sick. but of course, you cant say no here. so i got on with eating.... meatballs. not the worst meal, but i seriously hate meat. i dont want to eat it. all the poor animals. :(

Then later on a recvered girl came to talk. she was the same girl as i had met before. shes so nice. she seems so sweet and kind and shes so pretty.. thin .. i know. i shouldnt think about that, or care about that, but i do.
   she said pretty much the same thing as before, it was nothing new. but it was still nice.
  She looked so happy, but you could tell, she had had it tough. her story, her time with anorexia had been hard. but shes healthy. no more anorexic thoughts..... 
  i want to be like that...thin and enjoying and life.
But i dont want to do the hard work. i want this tiem to jstu go by. i dont want to go through this anymore. i just want to be able to do normal things - eat chips and lie in the sofa and watch tv.
  eat chocolate cake.  sleep in.

My to do list.

Watch tv!! - and concentrate on it! (its something completly different to jsut stare at the screen adn see soem moving figures then to actually watch and focus on the screen and enjoy it.)

Home made triple layer chocolate cake!

But what i realised was.... that we're all the same.
   we all think the same. we're all individual. we all have different reasons why we've becom like this. but in the end... we all think the same. have the same angst, guilt, panic. but the thing is, that most of us dont show it. so it feels like yourr the only one whoe is struggling, how finds it tough, who gets angst and panic.

Its has anorexia... understands exactly what i mean when i say i dont want to eat. id rather be dead then be big. 


So even though we all take different roads.... some have it easier, some have it harder... we all think the same... we're all the same. theres soemthing evil inside us. some evil little man/women who is controlling us.... and we have to stomp him/her out.


Best friends for life.





So I have this friend. But she's so much more than a friend. She's always been there for me. The times when I was sick due to CF. The times I needed to rant and get angry about something or someone. The times I needed to laugh or talk to someone. We've been friends for roughly 10 years, and i can't imagine my life with out her. I've laughed soooo much, had such good times. We never argue - or maybe we did over something stupid when we were younger.
I can tell her anything!! I've never kept a secret from her! She's always there for me, and I wish I could do the same for her.

She was there for me, wanted to help me when i first told her I had anorexia and she still wants to help me now.
She stuck around during the worst time, when I distanced myself from everyone. I didn't speak to anyone, had no energy for friends.
She was there when I was being a bitch to everyone.

I know she doesn't read my blog, so she wont get this message but I just want to let everyone else know, how important she is. how she's the greatest person I know. The best thing in my life. I can tell her anything, and shell listen and not judge me.
I miss her loads and miss not seeing her in school.

I mean if she's not one of the most awesome person ever, the most loyal, truest person there is, then I don't know who is.
She makes me laugh so much that my jaw actually hurts. And that's when i don't want to laugh!!
ive had such good times with her, so many giggles and laughs!! So many secrets and so many failed secret handshakes!!

So many hour long phone calls, talking absolute shit and gibberish, but that's the best thing I know. The hundreds of weird random useles texts!!
The most random conversations.

Even though we're in two different countries and don't get to see each other, were both still making an effort to talk to each other, unlike some of my other 'friends' I've lost contact with pretty much everyone else.

I miss her soo much, and hope that we stay friends forever.









xx

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Another 6 weeks

Been 6 weeks in HDV. hmmm.... time to get out? Yes... i think so.

Today anyway i had ot fill in the 6 weeks papers. I have a feeling that my case manager wont be so impressed, all my answers are pretty high.
   and then on sunday... i have to eat on Wii base. :( I wish i got to do it tomorrow. its meatballs and potatoes tomorrow... and i know exactly how much is 350gram... or 280 anway.
   its 8 meatballs, and like 2 and a half medium potatoes... roughly. and i know with the sauce... 5% lingon jam and 5% brown sauce.
   so i mean.... it would eb good if i could!! :) But no.... sunday... when its most probably going to be fish... with cold sauce. Ugghhh... but it means that i wont take as much sauce... Maybe.

Im so tired of  being here. 32 weeks.224 days. 5376 hours... that ive been part of Mando. (not ere all the time.. but still part of Mando.) and somewhere around 1344 meals... but not really, as ive cheated so much.
  

I really think it's time to just get a life and be normal?
What if by June (when i was admitted) this year.. ad i still havent come much further. thats a year wasted. or a whole year... i wouldnt have come anywhere???

My weekend plans.




What i know for my weekend is that i get to go home on Saturday morning and then i suppose we'll pack. and move to our new apartment, and then i stay home saturday night and am back for sunday dinner. so im hoping that everything will go well. really really hoping it will.

Thats my weekend. i jsut have to make it through tomorrow. Damn.

I think it will be good t move house. a new start....yes im hoping so. a good one.


Out in town!

Today didnt start off hte best. i haev no idea how many times i changed outfit this morning. the time jjstu seemed to fly by and i just couldnt find anything to wear.
   i was all rushed for breakfast. then i cheated.. by accidently spilling milk. i had told my supervisor that that was how i cheated. so she caught me. she wasnt im pressed. but in all honesty,  dont know why i did it today, i mean...is been like 2 weeks since ive cheated. i think.
   
I really cant stand my case manager anymore. its not that shes being strict or angry or anything, in fact the opposite. shes being really nice. she sees how tough it is and shes always telling me that im working reeally hard, but in all honesty, im not. im a failure. and trust me, i dont want her to change,  idont want her to  angry or cross.
    but i think ive jsut had enough of her. ive seen her to often.
I want her to go on holiday for a week. i want a break from her. thats it.

Today, i got to follow with A and H to town. i didnt think i could go, cus i couldnt get a hold of my mum, had to know if i could go or not. as we were going ot take lunch and 3 snack out.
   But i was allowed!!

Just as we were gonna go i was told i had to change outfit. i had a dress and tights on. meaning i spent 15 minutes changing and changing outfit again, i couldnt decide what to wear. i felt so big.
   but finally i decided on a jumper and trackies. but jsut as we got out the door i started to panic. i look fat, big, horrible. you cant wear these clothes. your showing your fatness, i was having a complete melt down, inside my head. all i could think about was how awful i looked in my clothes.



Anyway, we got to town and looked in H&M and then we went to have lunch. Sushi again! yay!
    We also met up with 2 other girls from the other Mando. they were going to try eating McDonalds - Scary.
 I know thye wont see this or read this, but i was like proud of them. as i was eating my healthy sushi. they had to eta thir McDonalds, and i saw how panicked they were. they really didnt want to do it.
   but they did. and i was impressed. i mean... will i ever eat unk food again? well i hope not. i really dont want to.
   fine, i can kind of Fika, but McDonalds or pizza....its not necessary?
I dont think ill ever be ready to try.

Then we went to a museum... the middle ages museum. it was cool. but i was like falling asleep. while i was standing reading information about something or other in the museum, i could feel my eyes drooping closed and my legs start to sway.
   but i mean i got like 4 hours sleep. i was so hyoer and awake last night. was up watching Americas Funniest Home videos. Trying not to laugh, but it was so hard.

Sushi went well for lunch. but we didnt eat until like 1.15pm. but that was ok with me.
   the sushi place we went to, was really packed. it wasnt a nice environment to eat in.

Then for our 3 snack we went to the Kultur house. I took a biskvi and a coffee (actually 2... i was so tired i needed thoose 2 cups.)
   The Biskvi.... well i got rid of the mousse inside. I know know... but it felt good.  i felt sick and horrible.



Then i came back to Mando.
   DInner was... Ok. it was pasta and cauliflower and chicken. it was nice... even though here was a sauc eon it.... quite alot.

But im feeling kind of positive. just ready to get out of here.
    
Im like in this mental battle. because theres this part of me, which is slowly growing bigger and its saying do right. eat right. get out of Mando. youre not fat. no where near it. your actually pretty. you can go home and follow your meal plan and start to live a normal life. but the other side, which is bigger and more powerful is saying cheat cheat cheat. your ugly,fat, good for nothing. go home and do everyhting wrong, dont eat anything. just lie and cheat. and i dont want to listen to that side. but its more powerful, i has more control.



I so badly wan to do right. just reach my goal weight. Oh yes... im now 173cm... have i lost a half centimeter? No... its just that the scale is kind of wrong. but ive decided...55kg is the max. im not putting on anymore. and thats a hard choice to come to. but thats its. if its more. NO NO NO. I QUIT.

Not so sure what my plans are for the weekend. but i want to do things right..... but i need to stop listening to that voice. push it away. cast i aside im stronger than it.

Before. ^^

Normal

I'm tired of this - can't I just be normal

Fuck my weight. I've had enough. I can't be sick anymore. I can't go around like this, I can't live like this.

I can't take these thoughts anymore. Keeping me up all night. Making me cry myself to sleep. Distancing myself from everyone around me. Digging myself a grave which in reality. I'm too scared to fall into. I'm just on the edge, my toes over the side. Wondering whether to just go forward, fall into the blackness or to turn back now.

Everything is too much. How can one person alone do this, carry all thus on their shoulders, guilt. Anger. Hate. Panic. it's all too much. I'm going to explode.
I just want to get on with living. Let everything go, let things fall as they may.

But it is so much easier said than done.

To just let yo everything. To not listen to the thoughts. I've tried it. Over and over. But they justdobt go away

It's time to fight this and get better.

Never ending story.

I feel that I'll never reach the end. Never get my happy ending. Find my prince charming and live happily ever after.

Why is my story so dark and depressed? Can't it be light, fun, bright, cheery?

My story never seems to come to an end. I can't just close this chapter and move on. It's too long. never ending.

I don't even know if I want to know how things end. I don't want to see myself. I don't want my future. I want to live in the past. When I was a kid.
Life was easy. Get up and watch tv, go to school and play with your friends. And your friends with everyone. There's no boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Come home. Watch tv. Eat dinner and dessert. Play with your toys. Just enjoy life. The most annoying thing was having to go food shopping or not getting that bag of crisps you wanted. There were no worries.

When you get to your teenage years, there's boys, hair, make up, skin, school, grades, body, friends, clothes. everything. It's hard work. There's so mich pressure and stress, who wants to be a teenager? Not me, for sure.

But I don't want to grow up either. When your older, there's stress about finding the right college and job, finding a partner, having kids, finding a home, paying the bills, learning to drive, making money. Illnesses. It's all too much and think. I worry about the teenage worries, aswell as the adult worries. Money, partner, career, kids, education, clothes, make up etc etc.
It's all too much. I want to be five again , when you didn't have any worries.

This road is too long. And there seems to be no ending, but I don't even know if I want to find out the ending of thus story.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

So worked up

I can't even think about it without getting worked up and angry.

Ok... I should forger weight. Just let it go. I mean, it's just a number, right? So us BMI.
But the thing is, I'm now like 50jg and BMI 16. But yet Istill have to gain weight. When I'm healthy.

I mean. I feel fine. I have energy.
I haven't weighed this much in like atleast a year.
But I feel fine. I would be ok with keeping this weight. Keeping this body. Sure I'd love to lose weight.
But it's just that, I can't say that. It's like Taboo to speak about weight. Bit why should u go up anymore, when I dint need it. Can't I just have a mealplan to obtain this weight?
Why do the doctors get to decide what my healthy weight. Tell me I'm going to be healthy when I weight that certain amount. Its sick, cus I don't get a say. I don't trust weight curve or BMI. I'm fine now. Healthy. Have energy.

I can't even describe how worked up I am over this. I mean I feel my head is going yo explode from anger and from thinking about this. I don't have a say. I can't say - now I'm not going up any more. I'm staying at this weight. I'll get kicked out. Maybe?

Bit everytime I think about this (24/7) I want to scream, claw myself out of my skin. Break free. I can't handle it.

I just can't go up anymore in weight. I just can't

Work on my head. make me better there. Leave my body alone. My body is fine how it is.

God, I feel like screaming again. I can't handle this.

I get so angry over this, that it makes me want to take more pills, just To Stop the thoughts. To feel numb. To not think anything. Not to think thus same thought over and over and get so agitated and angry over it

I'll never be able to sleep. Not feeling like this.

Have you ever gone through thus feeling. I've definitely not wanting to go up in weight. Cus you feel healthy, normal, fine weight?

How will I get over this?

if only it was as easy as 'eat'


If only this whole thing was as easy at eat.
   If only i could say to myself, eat. just like that. and i would. and there would be no hard feelings, no angst no guilt no panic afterwards.
   If only things would get better. quickly. if only things could change with the snap of a finger. i eat. and like the food.
  
What most people dont understand though, is that.... i dont eat. not because im not hungry. Not because i dont want to. but because its easier. because im scared.
   Theres a fear. a fear of gaining weight, of becoming fat, of becoming ugly. of notcontrolling things.
when i start eating again, im letting the control go.
   But i do like food. if i would let myself, i would eat food. Chinese, take aways, junk food, healthy food. what i like!!
  But i dont let myself. if im on my own, i wouldn even let myself eat a fruit... even though to me, its healthy.






I dont know why i started counting calories. why i care about my weight. why im scared to go up in weight. i dont know what happened to make me like this.

but what i know... is that its not as simple to get out of. i have to change completely. i need to change my thoughts. stop listening to them. but all the time, im being shouted at - Your fat. your ugly. your useless. nobody loves you. your better off dead. dont you see how ugly you are. how nobody wants to be with you. your a depressed stupid girl, nobody loves you. nobody has time for you. your selfish adn stupid.
   imagine hearing that allday. jsut being shouted at you.
  of course... it does mute sometimes. sometimes when i feel good, feel i have htestrength to not listen, to push the thoughts away. then it quietens. if only a little bit.
   I need to do everything i dont want to do. go against myself. i need to sit still when i jsut want to go running, i need to eat when thats the very last thing i want to do.
  i want t shut myself away in a corner, a black corner and not eat. feel the hunger in my stomach.

It sounds weird and fucked up.

Why cant i jsut eat. just enjoy food? i mean, its not that hard, is it?





Lunch and dinner scare.



Help me?

Lunch and dinner are the worst thing EVER!
   so, ok, i had orderd. fried bacon...all oily, and like no meat. jsut the fat with potatoes and some cream sauce to go with that.
   but i couldnt eat that. it was too much. horrible. no no no. i staretd crying and refused it. so instead, i got...tortellini in a cheese and ham sauce. Not much better. in fact. not one bit better. it was horrible. thers like 350 calories in 100g tortellini jsut on its own. an i had like triple that with some horrible cheese sauce aswell. i felt horrible afterwards.

And for dinner.... its the usual fish and cold sauc. :( No no no.

I feel so sick. i cant eta that type fo food.

I mean, if only the food they gave us was nice, healthy. not all oily and cream and cheesy. then we might like the food. i mena, all the food they serve us is, give us panic attacks, make us cry and jsut make us hate even more food.
   I mean.... surely the staff are gaining weight? eating this type of food? its not healthy.

I dont want dinner. do you think i can get away with not eating it? No, i didnt think so.

I went up to be part of this experiment today. It went well. i had to like chew these six sweet type things, while i had these wires attached to my jjaw. it went well. i just wanted to be part of it so i would get away ffrom here, and a free movie ticket!!

But afterwards... i felt so sick. trying to count ou how many calories were in each chewy sweet. maybe 10-20-50? calories. stupid... i mean.... maybe here was jsut 5 in each. but i just think that everything is worse.

1cm more.

I found out today, that ive grown 1cm. i should be glad right? I mean.. im now model height!! hehe.... but no... not rea;lly. the thing is that i do want to grow. i want ot be taller. i feel so small. compared to my mum and sister.
   but now.... my goal weight is goin to be increased. also, as my age has changed, im now older than i was when i was given my goalweight. so taken all that int account, i bet its gonna be like 5kg more added onto my previous goal weight...noooo how can you do that? i dont think ive ever been that heavy before. how can i go to that?
   i mean....1 cm is not alot to grow.. but 5kg is alot to go up. i mean...it will be noticeable.

Im scared.
   Later today i meet the dctor, to talk. i dont know how that will go. we'll see.

Im in such pain. i mean, is it even legal to feel like this? head pounding, heartburn, stomach killing me. And of course.... not allowed any painkillers. Fuck.
    
This weekend, i think will go well. Me and mum might get to stay in the hotel. as i told my case manager that i dont want ot go home. its too much.
   so if we can do that. i think things will go well!! :)
  I cant go home.

It might not make a difference, i mean, if i want to cheat... will it matter where i am. whether im at home or in the hotel. but ithink it will make a difference.

but now that i think about it. im suddenly kinda scared. like....mums gonna be strict with me. kinda scary.

But we'll see... maybe mum cant even come to stay. but hopefully. otherwise im going to have to be here all weekend.




Fake It Till You Make It.

All these depressing sad posts are getting a bit much, aren't they?
Well I've decided, it's time to fake it till you make it. that doesn't mean cheating. Or lying. Or trying to trick/fool anyone. It's just about faking it. Lying to myself. Smiling even though I'm hurting inside. Trying to make myself better.
Some point things will change. Things will get better.
I can't wait for the day when I no longer have any energy drinks, no meal plan, no mando meter, no guilt/angst/Panic around food. Don't mind eating junk food, and eating like pancakes or pizza or sweets or cream or desserts, or even like pasta carbonara isn't a problem.
   When I can relax infront of the television with a bowl of cheese doodles (hehe... Gotta admit, I'm missing them. They're my favourite!!)


And that day will come. Some time. I just have to get out of this first. It sucks, and I hate this stage, but it has to be done. And I can do it. Cus when I think back to when I was day patient before - yes, I did cheat sometimes, did feel shit about my body, hated the energy drinks, wouldn't eat junk food, still sick you could sayy. But better than now, closer to being healthy again.
So I can get back to that. And come even further this time.

Ok, so I have a plan.
It's too much to go back to our apartment. I can't do it. Just thinking about the apartment makes me want to cheat. So there have been good times, but all i can remember are the lies, tears and anger. it's all too much. I'm so sensitive to all that.
So my plan is to not go back there, only to pack up my things and help clean. But I won't take any meals.
If I do get time out, I'd rather ho shopping, or go to a museum ir something. Take my snack out.
I'd like to maybe take dinner out? Not to sure.

And then in a week or so we move apartment. To our aunts old apartment. So that's good. And I'm determined to make things work there. I mean, I have good memories from there.

Me and mum, my sister, our aunt and two friends went bluebery picking one day. And when we got back, me and my aunt baked a blueberry pie. Bit it was too salty so nobody ate it, apart from me. I ate like half a pie. Didn't even think about the calories and fat. And I mean after eating half a pie, I still had space for like half a bag cheese doodles!!

And I remember ordering huge fresh pizzas, and eating like 3/4s of that. Not thinking about calories or fat, just enjoyed eating the food. I didn't think about my weight. I didn't think I was fat, even though I weighed more then, than now.

They're all hood memories, from when I was healthy. So I don't want to contaminate them with new memories of lies and cheating.

I have to remember the girl I was the life I used to live.

I want things to go well. And I'm going to make sure that they do.

But once again, so much easier said than done.



Monday, February 21, 2011

Not everything is ruined.

So as far as i know, not everything is ruined. i still have a chance of becoming day patient but it might be jsut tha slower. as they want to make sure evyrthing is ok.
   i might get to go home in the weekend. but the thing is, i dont think i want to. mum is so much stricter now. i think... thats what pushed me over the edge. that she set up rules. she wouldnt let me follow to do the shopping,  she cooked the meal, and she said if you dont eat, i'll call Mando. and she did. she called Mando when i refused to eat. but the pills were already starting to work, so i wasnt in my right mind. he angst and guilt were too much. i believe that if i hadnt swallowed the pills, i would have eaten the meal without complaint, or not too much.
   But now mum is really strict, she knows she has to be tough. but i cant handle tough. home is supposed to be the place i go and can relax.
   but i suppose, without mum being tough, i dont do right. but i try. that counts for soemthing.
  i mean, ive lost the will to live. to do right. i dont care if i sit here, home or in a psych ward. its all teh same.
i feel that when mum is all stit like that, i get angry and dont want to eat. i really set up a wall.
   but ive lsot the motivation to do right and want to go home and eat and jsut get better.


I got to choose my options for lunch and dinner. cus i asked. im not looking forward to it. :( Ugghhh

also,i  asked about my wieght. tomorrow im gonna have my weight and height taken and then i think they'll look at my goal wiegth again. but i mean... i wont eb able to take it if they tell me its more than 50. cus ive gotten into my head, that 50 will be normal. looked at the photos from when i was 50, i think.
  and if its more than 50, then its going to be fat.
  so i hope hope hope, it will be 50g or less. ill have to wait and see.

Really thats about it for now.

my case manager wants me to think of soemthing fun....like what? there is nothing.

Im seriously needing a cup of coffee now. i feel all sleepy. :(






I'm sorry

I'm sorry - written by Me.

Im sorry for everything I've done,
I'm sorry for everything I've become.
I'm sorry for putting us all through this,
The Lies. the Pain. The Tears.
I'm sorry for everything,
For not being strong enough to say no

. I'm sorry for giving up,
For walking away.
I'm sorry for not trying harder,
For not winning this battle.
I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt I've brought upon us.
I'm sorry for the blood and tears

I wish I could take all the anger away.
Make everything better. Make everything go away.
But even when I tried that, to stop the pain, I failed ar that, just causing more heartbreak and pain.
I'm sorry for everything and wish I could change.
But I'm too weak to do this anymore,
So I think it's time to walk away.





Death is on my mind.

I cant stop thinking about it, death. Does that sound weird?
   Of course it does. but it seems... its always there. all i ca think about. i dont want to do this any more. i mean. im not happy. all im ever doing is siting, and eating. i can do that anywhere, home, Mando, a psych ward. so does it matter where i am? Not really.
   but i dont want to do it, but thats what i have to do. but i dont want to. so why should i?

I do just want to stop his all. stop all these thoughts. all these feelings. all these emotions. i dont want them. i dont want this life.

Just after talking to A. the like chief.
   jsut explaine what happened. how i dont know what went wrong or why what happened, happened.

Basically i need to  do more talking, and i have to meet with the doctor. i suppose theres going to be another suicide check... thing.
   But i cant write on it. i mean....suicide is constantly on ym min. how am i supposed ot explain that? That i jsut dont want to live, and from my failed attempt this weekend, its just egged me on. now i know my mistake.

Im jsut some mental freak, whos a danger to herself.
    actually cant take this anymore.

Its all too much.

I feel so numb, so distant. im not ehre. it is as if i died. im jsut body now. body and horrible, awful thoughts - ugly,fat, shouldnt live. better off dead. thats what i hear all day.
   no other thoughts. otherwise im just numb, emotionless, feelingless.