I knew that my neutral mood couldn last all day. it never does.
something always upsets me. today it was - my dinner - Pasta Carbonara. eeeeewww.... i went into panic mode.
first i tried to scrap off hte sauce... the creamy horrible sauce. but i got caught. so they made sure i got all the sauce. and then like another 200gram of pasta. :(
it was jsut carbs and cream. the most horrible food ever. adn the food jstu seemed to be piling up on hte plate, i watched as i had nearly taken all the food and it was only 60%. i couldnt do it.
once i had finally gotten all the food on the plate.
i jsut put my knife and fork down adn sat there for ten minutes. no staff seemed to realise what was going on. they jstu ate. the other patients realised though.
after like ten minutes i jstu walked out. i wasnt going to sit there. iwasnt going to eat. who eats that much? nobody eats like 280gram pasta. you just dont.
one of the staff followed me out, she was like
jsut eat it. its been ordered for you. iwas like yes... i realise its been ordered for mme... but im not eating it.
she was then like
but you have to train. you have to train to eat pasta, thats why its been ordered for you. Yeah, yeah... i dont give a fuck. i dont need to train to eat pasta.. pasta is jsut carbs and fat... you dont need ot be able to eat it.
i finally sat down again. jsut staring at the plate. finally i tried to tell myself,
i used to love pasta carbonara, i was hte only dish i would order if we went to an italian restaurant.why not eat it now? see if i still like it.
Turns out that i dont like it.
after like half an hour of me eating, i was the only one sitting there, the staff had even gone. they were liike,
will you be ok with sitting here alone. Whatever. but it was easier, i dont like when i have a staff just watching me eat, it reminds me too much of the irish hospital.
:( Ugghhh.... horrible, horrible guilt. i cant deal with it. i dont even want to think of my body.. how my belly sticks out, its like rock hard. the muscles in my belly are like straining from all the food.
i feel my ass is all wobbly, theres fat on me..like i can grab it in my hands.
i cant take it. i want to get a knife and jsut cut it all off.
i want a sharp knife. i cant deal with what im feeling. what im thinking. i need to get it out.
thers no one to talk to. my mum is useless... theres no point calling her, the staff really couldnt be arsed to hear me out. they dont want to talk to me... i try to go to them. tell them its hard. but they dont care.
my supervisor told me
tell a staff if you have too much guilt or things are hard. i wont go to them... i dont. i need them to come to me. :(
3 horrible, miserable weeks at Mando. i dont even want to think of how much weight i;ve gained. loads... horrible. i want to lose weight again. but i ddont want the punishment that comes with it.
What i got - (well, not that... my plate looked a lot worse. jsut cream and horrible lank white pasta - cant we have wholemeal pasta?its healthier.)
but this was what i saw - a bowl of cream.
Nutritional information
Nutritional Information
Values per 100g |
Energy: 421 KCal |
Protein: 10.4 g |
Carbohydrates: 49.4 g |
of which sugars: 16.4 g |
Fat: 20.1 g |
of which saturates: 11.6 g |
Fibre: 7.2 g |
Sodium: 1.7 g
^^^^^only 100gram i had like triple that. :(
------------- NOTE TO SELF - DONT DO RESEARCH LIKE ABOVE. GONE INTO SERIOUS GUILT MODE KNOWING HOW MUCH CALORIES WERE IN MY MEAL. --------- |
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