Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, January 31, 2011

Heartburn



God.... i have been geting te worst heartburn. for the past week it seems. :/ i used to get really bad back when i was in Ireland... but that was cus i didnt exactly eat anything, and cus i was puking.
   but here - im not puking and im sure as hell eating... but my stomach is acting up. i think it wants to get rid of the food. i think i have that disorder/illnes... whatever its called wheen you get really bad heartburn, quite often.

:( i told a staff, first i think she got worried, as if i had puked. because i know you get heartburn from the acid when you puke.
   then she was going to get me a pill, but she had to call to the CF clinic, to make sure that the pill wouldnt like clash with all the medicine im already on.
   so im now sitting here in pain. :( and guilt. and even more pain in my very full, bloated stomach.

im not a happy girl.


i just want to go to the room. take a shower. and then, later... carry on wathcing Merlin!! Love the series!! i've already seen the episodes before, but its one of my favourite series. and as i dont sleep so well!! its a good watch!!
   my sleeping pattern - sleep at 1am. up at 3am to go to bathroom... can be awake from half an hour to two hours. - up at 6.30 am. so not to much sleep. but thats fine with me.
   im like scared to sleep. i know - weird. i mean.... its not like you burn calories by staying awake, isnt it that you actually urn more calories by sleeping? cus your body is like working? i dont know.
   but theres something inside me that is like... no, dont sleep. sleeping means relaxing. 


Weird.

Now its time to get some fricking medicine for this heartburn.





Pasta Carbonara.



I knew that my neutral mood couldn last all day. it never does.
   something always upsets me. today it was - my dinner - Pasta Carbonara. eeeeewww.... i went into panic mode.
  first i tried to scrap off hte sauce... the creamy horrible sauce. but i got caught. so they made sure i got all the sauce. and then like another 200gram of pasta. :(
   it was jsut carbs and cream. the most horrible food ever. adn the food jstu seemed to be piling up on hte plate, i watched as i had nearly taken all the food and it was only 60%. i couldnt do it.
    once i had finally gotten all the food on the plate.
 i jsut put my knife and fork down adn sat there for ten minutes. no staff seemed to realise what was going on. they jstu ate. the other patients realised though.
 after like ten minutes i jstu walked out. i wasnt going to sit there. iwasnt going to eat. who eats that much? nobody eats like 280gram pasta. you just dont.

one of the staff followed me out, she was like jsut eat it. its been ordered for you. iwas like yes... i realise its been ordered for mme... but im not eating it.
  she was then like but you have to train. you have to train to eat pasta, thats why its been ordered for you.  Yeah, yeah... i dont give a fuck. i dont need to train to eat pasta.. pasta is jsut carbs and fat... you dont need ot be able to eat it.

i finally sat down again. jsut staring at the plate. finally i tried to  tell myself, i used to love pasta carbonara, i was hte only dish i would order if we went to an italian restaurant.why not eat it now? see if i still like it.

Turns out that i dont like it.
   after like half an hour of me eating, i was the only one sitting there, the staff had even gone. they were liike, will you be ok with sitting here alone. Whatever. but it was easier, i dont like when i have a staff just watching me eat, it reminds me too much of the irish hospital.

:( Ugghhh.... horrible, horrible guilt. i cant deal with it. i dont even want to think of my body.. how my belly sticks out, its like rock hard. the muscles in my belly are like straining from all the food.
   i feel my ass is all wobbly, theres fat on me..like i can grab it in my hands.
i cant take it. i want to get a knife and jsut cut it all off.

i want a sharp knife. i cant deal with what im feeling. what im thinking. i need to get it out.
   thers no one to talk to. my mum is useless... theres no point calling her, the staff really couldnt be arsed to hear me out. they dont want to talk to me... i try to go to them. tell them its hard. but they dont care.
   my supervisor told me tell a staff if you have too much guilt or things are hard. i wont go to them... i dont. i need them to come to me. :(

3 horrible, miserable weeks at Mando. i dont even want to think of how much weight i;ve gained. loads... horrible. i want to lose weight again. but i ddont want the punishment that comes with it.
 
What i got - (well, not that... my plate looked a lot worse. jsut cream and horrible lank white pasta - cant we have wholemeal pasta?its healthier.)


but this was what i saw - a bowl of cream.


Nutritional information

Nutritional Information

Values per 100g
Energy: 421 KCal
Protein: 10.4 g
Carbohydrates: 49.4 g
of which sugars: 16.4 g
Fat: 20.1 g
of which saturates: 11.6 g
Fibre: 7.2 g
Sodium: 1.7 g

^^^^^only 100gram i had like triple that. :(

------------- NOTE TO SELF - DONT DO RESEARCH LIKE ABOVE. GONE INTO SERIOUS GUILT MODE KNOWING HOW MUCH CALORIES WERE IN MY MEAL. ---------

3 miserable weeks.

Monday afternoon... im sure everyones tired.. not glad to be back to school?

So far nothing has happened. the days been neutral,  and so have i.
  Which is a good thing. i havent gotten upset, but its not like i smiled today either. i did get kind of cross and annoyed for lunch though, it was battered fish with potatoes and a sauce...i mean, cant they vary? and today, the batter was super salty and the sauce... well eww... but whats new?
   i wish the catering company would start looking up some new ideas... im tired of the same thing. every day. hey seem to be stuck with roasted potatoes and beef for lunch and then for dinner battered cod with cooked potatoes. thats like what ive eaten for the past three weeks.
   before the christmas  break, the thing which i used to gett all the time was chicken fillet, rice and curry sauce. was kinda nice, but got bored of it.

I jsut want ot get out of here, not have to et lunch or dinner here at all, and be able to choose my own snacks. they should get more things for the snacks. i mean, they jstu ekep getting rid of things, its unfair. soon the only thing left will be bread butter and cheese. i mean it. im tired of them getting rid of some of things you could haev for snacks.
   like raisins,prunes, nuts, caviar, these biscuit things, and apparently, theres more to go. :( uugghhh.... i mean, theres nothing left to choose from. :(

Also... i havent been out today. :( imagine that. what i find annoying is that, the dya patiants side get to have windowss... i mean, they get to go home, we sit here all day. the least we could have is windows so we could see the weather, get some naturel light. :(
  i get so annoyed that the staff can never be bothered, i mean you have to ask 5 times and get soemone else to ask aswell, before they actually bother to see if they can take us out. :(
   Hmmmphh

tomorrow i have the CF clinic, so get to come out of here, if onyl for like an hour or so. i do get to see mum aswell!
  and the on wednesday its hte dentist.... arrrgghh... i have to have a few holes fixed. not looking forward to it. like i think the dentist saw that i had been puking, (while i was ther last time.... a few months back) cus she was like, you shouldnt drink so much soda or eat sweets... as its lots of acid and sugar... i knew straight away that she could see acid erosion, from my time in ireland.

Thats eveyrthing for now... i suppose we'll see how things go later... im sure something will make me cry. its seems to be a daily accurance.
   :(

im tired of this all.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Why do I keep coming back?

Good day everyone!!
Had a nice weekend. Nearly over now - glad about that. have had a pretty shitty weekend all round.

So yesterday my mum came and picked me up. We were back at about 8.30pm. :( suck.
We then chatted for a bit, and then it was 9.30pm and I had to have my night snack.
I had taken with me, a Yoggi yoghurt, a banana and a digestive biscuit and then I'd take 3dl(300ml) milk at home.
I decided to ditch the biscuit. And then when I was gonna do the milk (I can add coffee or tea) what I did was pour warm water add the tea bag and then like a bit of milk, so it looked like it was all milk and a bit if warm water. (I know... I should just have gotten on with it. Taken the milk)
Then before I sat down I poured half the yoghurt down the sink.
And I somehow got away with not eating. :(
Stupid, but it felt sooo good.
I don't have too much guilt about not doing right, but I feel I should get it out... Somehow.

Then I took a shower. Shaving my legs!! Haha. Also spent time on my face, using a scrub.

Also, even though I wasn't hurting like I had earlier in the day, I had decided. I would hurt myself. Get rid of the inner pain. So now I'm not to sure I'll next be weighed, how to cover the scars - they're on my legs.

I didn't get too much sleep last night. Bout 4 hours - surprisingly I still have energy!!

The morning went fine.
But now for the afternoon, my supervisor is working - God I hate her.

My mum came to visit at 1. It was nice. I feel I need to be in her company. I need to feel her love.
We went unto the main hospital and sat for a while.

For my 3 snack, I was caught messing about - trying to get rid of the butter. So I'm not allowed a napkin. :(
Not sure how that will go. I'm scared. Going to try to avoid using butter.

For now - I'm upset. Miss my mum again. And don't want to eat, and angry at myself for coming back. Why didn't I just run away? Take the opposite train?
Not have to eat again.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Tears tears go away - don't come back another day.

Every single thing is making me cry. I just sat there readin and suddenly I was crying. I can't stop. And it's for no reason at all. I think it's definitely the lack of sleep and anti biotics.
One thing which is making me cry though is that I don't think I can take the train home on my own :( I did it last week. But I wasn't actually allowed.
Why I want to go on my own? I bet you can guess?

Also for dinner it's battered fish with potatoes and a cream sauce - not looking forward to that. :( and I'm trying to decide what I should do - eat my night snack or not to eat my snack.

My supervisor asked me if I actually wanted to go home, as I've been crying practically for the last 3 hours - not to self: don't wear mascara when upset, and especially when there's no mirrors around.
Like I mean, I'm crying cus I want to get out of here, and I'm not getting enough time. On Monday I've been back to Mando for 3 weeks. I know a few girls who have just been in for 3-4 weeks and then become day patient. I'm apparently not one of those girls. I mean I've nearly been here for 3 weeks and only now am I allowed to sleep at home - for one night. And I can't even take my breakfast at home :(

Urging... I can't take this anymore

Friday, January 28, 2011

I look sick.

Hello everybody? How have you all been?  i dont think i've written anything today, havent had too much to say. its a usual Friday. nothing special about it.... got a swedish assignment sent off. didnt get to go outside until 7.45pm, it had been more than 24 hours since i had last seen daylight - weird, huh?
   ehhmm... but when i did go out, i saw myself in the mirror in the lift, and i looked sick. i didnt find myself thin, but what i saw i didnt like. my face was pale and gaunt, and i was dark under my eyes and my hair was greasy.
   i mean, is this how i look? and i dont even realise. i mean i look like shit. its awful. it made me upset. i dont want ot look like this. like a dead person... kind of.
   i generally looked unhappy.

i get to go home this weekend, but for like no time at all. tomorrow after dinner, and then back again on Sunday for breakfast. so i jsut take my night snack at home.
   :( what makes me upset is cus i go there and jsut sit. i dont want that. if i go during the day, then i usually have thoose hours to stand. or do something.
   it makes me panic jsut thinking about it, jsut being home and sitting. im like going into fidget mode now.

i hate it. i want more time. like, after breakfast and back again to dinner or something. or be able to go and do something, but they ave to be so damn careful with me, scared to let me do anything, as if i'll suddenly have a heart attack and die.... yeah right. im fucking fine.

there was something more to write. but i completly forgot when i got into that rant, and how i got all nervous fromt hiking about going home. i mean..... i cant explain it.
   i jsut want to go running, to move my body. to exercise. to burn calories.

i cant stand sitting. i mean, do normal people sit 24/7? no... you dont. so wh yare we made to sit all day? we'll all be lazy, fat slobs who dont do anything, because like all we've done for the past year is sit... its not normal

im scared that once this is all over, and im allowed to exercise, that i wont want to. that i'll be fat and lazy. and hate exercising. i LOVE exercising, i dont want to lose that.  i want to feel the pull in my muscles. the tiredness in my legs and arms. its a ncie feeling. the just sinking into the chair after like walking for two hours, or running, or doing jumping jacks or something.. you most probably cant understand that, can you?

Hmmm... tomorrow is Saturday... all of you who have been in school all week, you're looking forward to it. relaxing, going into town... whatever - me - well i wish it was Monday.



I want to scream!!!

Ughhhh so just found out that my room mate told the staff that I get up at 6.30am and walk around the room - not true. My alarm is set for 6.45 but I've gotten into the routine of getting up at 6.30 cus I need the loo, and then I can't get to sleep again. whats the point? It's 15 minutes?
Anyway, then I get up. Brush my hair, choose what I'm gonna wear, and yes, I do go back and forth, from the bed where I put the clothes, to the wardrobe where I hang them back again.
And sometimes without realising it, I just stand there, cus I'm so tired. As I hardly sleep.
But it's like Fuck Off, she has no business in what I do. I'm not planning on changing my routine. I'm worried what my supervisor will say?
Like when the staff asked I just told her, I get up and pick out what I'm going to wear. Not walk around the room all morning.
I want to move room. I want a single room. I can't share. I just want to get on with my own things. All upset now. :(
I want to come home. I don't know about the weekend yet. :(
But not expecting good news. Most probably just sit here all weekend :(

I miss my life, SO MUCH

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I LOVE HIM!



 just cus im watching The Tourist, and Johnny Depp is in it, im deciding to write a post about him - about how much i love him!
   he's the most talented actor, ever! he can sing, (sweeney Todd) play the guitar( Chocolat) and im sure he can play the piano, and then of course, he can act.


i've seen loads of his films, and i cant choose which is my favourite, theres Edward scissorhands, Sweeney Todd, Whats Eating Gilbert Grape?, Pirates of the Caribean, Alice in Wonderland, etc etc. they're all so good!!

I've always loved him, and thought he was such an inspiration!! i would love to meet him, he seems so cool... just like yeah, im an actor, so what?
   he used ot like sell pens i think. or work at a cinema.

he also used ot self harm - ok everyone i tell that to, doesnt find it that interesting or important, but as i self harm, i find it kind of cool. not in a keep self harming kind of inspiration, but in a even though you've self harmed and had a hard childhood, you can still make it in life. i think thats inspiration.


He's also as old as my mum, i think my mum and Johnny Depp would make a good couple - but it would eb weird if you were like inlove with your dad (or it would be step dad) and not in a fatherly love kind of way. :) haha...

also, (i was like obsessed with him... researched him... i even looked for some way to contact him!!! haha) you can buy his yacht, for like $1,000,000 for jsut a day or soemthing, im just like damn! Johnny depp better come with the boat!


i think im gonna watch over his films, hes so talented, and i can never et enough of him i mean he's like, 47 or something, btu still as good looking as ever, and can still act!!! i hope he never retires... that wil be a black day for me. :(

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His films - 



2012Triple Frontier (in talks) (pre-production)
 
2011Rango (post-production)
Rango (voice)
 
2009SpongeBob SquarePants (TV series)
Jack Kahuna Laguna
 
2004Hemma hos hill (TV series)
Yogi Victor
– Hank's Back (2004) … Yogi Victor (voice)
 
2000Kort och kul (TV series)
Customer in suit store
– The Last Ever Fast Show (2000) … Customer in suit store
 
1991Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
Guy on TV (as Oprah Noodlemantra)
 
1987-199021 Jump Street (TV series)
Officer Tom Hanson
– Blackout (1990) … Officer Tom Hanson
– Everyday Is Christmas (1990) … Officer Tom Hanson (credit only)
– Rounding Third (1990) … Officer Tom Hanson (credit only)
– Shirts and Skins (1990) … Officer Tom Hanson (credit only)
 
1987Hotel (TV series)
Rob Cameron
– Unfinished Business (1987) … Rob Cameron
 
1986Slow Burn (TV movie)
Donnie Fleischer
 
1985Lady Blue (TV series)
Lionel Viland
– Beasts of Prey (1985) … Lionel Viland
 

Date of Birth
9 June 1963Owensboro, Kentucky, USA

Birth Name
John Christopher Depp II

Nickname
Mr. Stench
Colonel

Height
5' 10" (1.78 m) 

Mini Biography
Johnny Depp is perhaps one of the most versatile actors of his day and age in Hollywood, who has recuperated his image greatly since his portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow in the acclaimed Pirates of the Caribbean: Svarta Pärlans förbannelse (2003), with a supporting cast ofOrlando BloomKeira Knightley, and Geoffrey Rush.

Though highly successful now, Depp's early life, strangely, was as a rebel, and he took to vandalism and narcotics. He dropped out of school when he was 15, and he fronted a series of music-garage bands, including one named The Kids. However, it was when he married Lori Anne Allison (Lori A. Depp) that he took up the job of being a ballpoint-pen salesman to support himself and his wife. A visit to Los Angeles, California, with his wife, however, happened to be a blessing in disguise, when he met up with actor Nicolas Cage, who advised him to turn to acting, which culminated in Depp's film debut in the low-budget horror film, Terror på Elm Street (1984), where he played a teenager who falls prey to dream-stalking demon Freddy Krueger. Three years later, Depp achieved fame as police cop Tom Hanson in the series "21 Jump Street"(1987) (1987-90), and in 1990, he was firmly established as a leading Hollywood actor with the Tim Burton movie Edward Scissorhands (1990), where he played a sad-faced, tragic hero who has scissors for hands.

From then on, Depp was selective of his choice of roles in movies, and he more often than not played dark, sinister characters on-screen. He played an undercover FBI agent in Donnie Brasco (1997), in which he co-starred with Al Pacino; a druggie in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas(1998); and in two more Tim Burton ventures, Ed Wood (1994) and Sleepy Hollow (1999), with Christina Ricci and Casper Van Dien. He filmed a fifth Tim Burton film, Tim Burton's Corpse Bride (2005), as well as being committed for another Tim Burton production, where he plays Willy Wonka in the upcoming Kalle och chokladfabriken (2005), based on the classic children's novel by Roald Dahl.

During his career, Depp has, unfortunately, gotten himself under bad public scrutiny. He was accused of selling drugs at his own club, The Viper Room, in regard to the legendary celebrity, River Phoenix, who died outside the club due to drug overdose in 1993. The following year, Depp wasarrested for smashing and trashing a New York suite. And, in 1999, he was arrested in London for being in a fight with paparazzi outside a restaurant.

Although he gained popularity since the success of Edward Scissorhands (1990), Depp wasn't hugely famous for many years until his portrayal of the suave, charming Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: Svarta Pärlans förbannelse (2003) in 2003. With the film's enormous success, it has opened several doors for his career and even included an Oscar nomination. He appeared as the central character in theStephen King-based movie, Secret Window (2004); as the kind-hearted novelist James Barrie in the factually-based Finding Neverland (2004), where he co-starred with Kate Winslet; and most recently as Rochester in the British film, The Libertine (2004).