Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My birthday!

So today started off ok.
  got up had breakfast waited for mum to wake. no sign.... so i jsut ate and hten got ready. and then around 10am mum got up, i then opened my presents. i got a few ncie thigns.
i also got sme cash to get soemthign... either a guitar or a digital camera.. im thinking camera.

then i had a bit foa  strop because i wanted to do seomthign btu we had to tidy the hsuea s we were havign a party... jsut friends and family coming.
  nyway, when it came to lunch there wasnt much in the house. that meant me going down to the shop in hte freezng cold. the thing was that i had said, weeks ebfore that i was going to have sushi for my birthday... btu there were no sushi bars around. but what izzy wants... izzy gets!
  there was  pack of 9 pieces of sushi already made!! so i bought that. so i got my sushi!
 Then we just kind of ceaned and orgaised. ti was kind of shitty. i cried. i didnt want a party, i didnt want cake.

I also made a cake.... cream,banana,strawberry, orange, vanilla cream and bread base!! i didnt try any so cant tell you if it was good, my mum also bought this like christmassy cake... didnt try it either!

We had tacos for dinner. that was good. i weighed up before anyone arrived so i could jsut take my plate when everyone else was going to eat.
  it was nice seeing everybody and to my surprise my mod did pick up becaue i had this huge tantrum before everyone arrived. i really dread going back to Mando tomorrow. :( ive had so much fun!!

i really do have more to say. but right now im in a bit of a rush, m up tomorrow morning, have to pack my stuff to go back. and im trying to eat my night snack aswell....

i suppose ill say good night now!! :):)

- Photos will be coming! -

My weekend in short.

My weekend in short.

I had a really great time in England!! It was super fun! But I do admit, the whole eating thing, didn’t go so well. L but atleast I tried my best, but it wasn’t so easy to do everything right.

The flight over.

First we took the flight bus - an hour and a half. And hten we got to the airport. There were cafes there but my sister was like lets go through, there’ll be more at the other side - turns out that there as one. And it hardly served food at all. It took me forever to actually get anything. And then it was chicken wings. Just on there own, like abr food. I felt so sick. Afterwards I like downed a whole bottle of water and I couldn’t stop thinking about how mnay calories was in what I had just eaten.
   Then it was the plane - delayed. GREAT.

Meeting Dad!

When we arrived at the airport our dad was there waiting to greet us. As it was like 9pm at this point I ran into a small shop spent like ten minutes trying to find something suitable, and then finally found this oyghurt with muslie. So that was ok. I think dad though it was nice to see me eat, but at first it as hard ot explain to him that I already had a list of what was going to eat, that I couldn just pick anything I wanted for my snack. But he did understand at the end.
   We then took the train to one of our dads friends houses where we stayed the night.

Nearly in tears.

When we got to his friends house though, they wer all like “sit down. Sit down” and o eb honest, that was the last thign wanted. I had basically sat for like 5- 6 horus straight - my worst nightmare. So I was nearly in tears I jstu wanted to coem home at this point. I ust went off into another rom and just stood there. I couldn’t sit any longer.

Breakfast time.

When it came to breakfast it was hard. They didn’t exactly have the food I needed. But  I did manage to throw something together, but that consisted of bread, ad like the only bread that the English have is this like flat white bread. It absolutely horrible, another thing which really I refused to eat. But afer my sster talked to me I just kind of ate it, skipping the buter just taking the jam.
   I felt sick after the bread.

Meeting Nanny.

Later on we got droppd off at our nannys house. That’s were we got ready for our cousins wedding! (I have photos, but havent uploaded them yet!)
  My Nanny also has  weighing scales, which I decided to test out. Turns out I’m 50kg - WHAT? Tats supposed to be my goal wight, my supervisor would ahev told me if I weighed that muc. But  I did have clothes on and had eaten. But still that only meat a couple of gram a kilo max difference. So iw as stressed about that.. Everyday I weighed myself. Just to see. I was  secretly hoping ti would go dwon but then again I was hoping that id stay the same or go up, for my sake.
  We took a taxi to where they were going to get  married, but we were an hour ad  half early, so we went and sat down in a pub. I was so cross. I was like, seriously, is all you do is sit? then it was the weddign and then we went to the reception.
   There was going to be a buffet at the recption which I was really worrying about. My dad had said to forget the Mando Meter and just take what I want, and I decided I would do that. Otherwise id have laods of people asking me what it was.
   But there as two hours before dinner. Which meant socializing. I did a biit of talking to some people but didn’t know many. Bu I basically stood and walked around the area for the two hours.

Hyperventilation.

When it came to dinner I went up with everyone and tok a  plate. There was a lot of like vegetables, quiche, salmon, beef/steak. But everything seemed to much and the plates were huge! While iwas plating up my dad was like, here take some more, take some more and put like food on ym plate. And once I was walking back to the table I started to go into panic mode, it was too much I couldn’t eat it. I just put my plate on the table with tears already falling down my cheeks. And went to the bathroom. Once I was in there I started to hyperventilate, I have never hyperventilated before so it was really scary. But once I was breathing ok I went and got my sister, then I started to cry and hyperventilate again.
   Finally after a while when like everyone was finished dinner I came out. I put some of the food which I didn’t want onto my sister plate. That left a bit of salmon, some tomatoes and a bit of like ratatouille.
  When I looked around  everyone had left food on there palte, I decided I was going ot do that too.
So in all honesty I have no idea how much of the dinner I ate,  I couldn’t have cared less though.

The night flew by with compliments.

After dinner I jus kind of carried on doing som walking and mingling. I got lots of compliments of people teling em tat I looked good and the people who knew I had anorexia told me how much better I looked! So that was kind of nice, but I couldn’t see it myself.
   Then it was the normal speeches, cutting the cake, dancing - which I admit I did a bit of!
We got home about 12am. Meaning I had forgotten about ym nigt snack.  I just hopped into bed.

Meeting the rest of the family.

On Sunday our step mum,step sister and brother came over. Our step mums sister,hsuband and daughter came over aswell. We know them well so it was nice o see them again. We were planning ot eat lunch out and stroll throught he markets.

3pm lunch.

So having to dirve to the restauraunt,wait for a table - some of us strolled through the markets while the others waited. Order our food wait for our food. That took time.
   So it wasn’t until 3 or something like that that the food arrived. I had orderd hot thai duck with noodles. Once the dish arrived I seriously wished I ahd gone ofr the salmon salad with rice.
The noodles were drenched in oil nad soy sauce.
I was planning on using my Mandometer, but it fucked up so I don’t know how much I ate. I got really worried cus what if I ate more?

The rest of the night.

After dinner we carried on walking through the  market - I bought a funky looking hat! And then me,myy dad,my sister and my brother went onto one of those carousels!! It was kinda fun!!
  By the time we got home it was 6.30pm, meaning I had forgotten my three snack and that it was dinner. I was still so sick fmr lunch that I couldn’t even imagine eating dinner. But I found a can of soup with beef ad potatoes whici  heated up. And ate that around 8pm.
   So basically Saturday was a disaster with my whole eating plan. I mean  forgot my Scand shake - on Saturday as well actually - and hten I didn’t have my three snack or night snack and  I did a bit of walking. I mean I didn’t have aproblem with it, but inside somewhere, I knew that this wasn’t right if I wanted thigns to go well.

Shopping time!

On Monday we were planning on hitting he streets for  a few hours before we had ot fly back.
   It was really ncie. We did have to walk to the shops, didn’t have a problem bt it was a bit more walking then was maybe good for me.
  
Manifesting!

Ive realised I’m very good at manifesting! I mean, there as three thigns which  ihaev wanted for a very long time ,and suddenly ihad htem all. That was money - I suddenly had a lot of pounds, a pink lipstick - which after I tried on and everyone suited me but I decided maybe I shouldn’t get it, but everyone forcing me to bought, and then this cherry blossom perfume. Which i  have wanted for like two years now. It was expensive and wanst so sure if I should get t o not, but my dad got it for me as a birthday gift as he wanted to get me something!! So that’s liket he  best gift. I mean what if he got me seom like top that woudlnt fit me, but instead e got me something which ive wanted for ages!! Yay!
   Also I have wanted to eat out loads…. And that’s what I’ve done. But I suddenly don’t want that anymore, restauraunt food is too high in calories for me.

Back to my old ways.
   When we got home after a few hours shopping, my back was killing me and I was seriously tired. But I tried nto to show it. But I decided I would just ge ton with it and dirnk the Scandishake, just because I had done os much walking. Really if it has made a difference I don’t know.
   Anyway so I mixed it up and then my nany askd if I wanted it heated I just like sure… jst because in Mando they sya that you can’t heat energy drinks up. It tasted like hot chocalte. Not bad. But suddenly it seemd to much. So I poured some out. Then I sat down and drank it and took ym three snack.
   Afterwards I wasnt doing so great.
All of a sudden though I felt seriously sick and I jstu ran  the bathroom and ended up puking. I don’t know what that was al about. But iwas like Shit. Am I going back to my old ways?

Trip back home.

It was awful having to say bye to our dad. But were trying to mke plans for chiristmas that all of us come to Ireland, see dad, see th dogs! I’m really hoping so!
   We were gon have dinenr att eh airport so the first restauraunt we saw was not ot my liking like me nad my sister started arguing cus she didn’t care where we would eat but ahd to find something that I knew id like and eat.
   So I just moved on. We then found this cafĂ© bar thing  where we ordered, my sister a cheese toasty, me an omelette.
  I had also ordered elderflower drink. But once I got it nad saw the calories - 170calories in 100ml, that was me decided. I was no drinking it.
  Once I got the omelette, I also realised that I find it hard ot eat eggs. so after a few minutes I felt seriously sick. Why did I have to orer the one thign which I feel sick from eating. We were also ina hurry as everything had gotten delayed. So I ate that in like 10 minutes.
 
Very tired from ti all now.

The plane was late forty minutes, but otherwise everything went fine. The bus was freezing aswell and I was like half asleep.
  We then took a taxi abck home.
And that was my weekend over. One heck of a good weekend. Ok so with the whole eating it didn’t go so well. I mean ive most probably missed a whole days worth of eating and done more exercise but we’ll just see on Wednesday how things went.

That pretty much it!! Haah…. Every detail!

For now… I’m going to enjoy my birthday! J

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Clash - London Calling

Ok, so in a matter of ours ill be on my way to England!!! Yay! Looking forward to it. but only now realised how we're gonna get there. i mean i lvoe flying, always have. but now... well im not so good at sitting. and im gona have to sit an hour and a half on the bus, then like another hour and a half on the plan and hten i think it will take between an hour to two in hte car to get to where we staying... how will i survive? i mean i know i can sit.. but its defo. gona kill me inside. i find it so hard. i know its problem, but really, is nothign soemthign i can bother with right now.... but apparently it seems to be that i ave to. i have to get over my fear of sitting. and gaining weight.
yeasterday my supervisor was really drilling into me that its a bad idea that im going, that if i were to stay id get a short time out at home... GREAT. i was like, its decided im going and then shes like... we'll i cant od anythign about that, but if you lose weight you wont eb allwoed home for a while when you get back and you mighte ven have to go back t HDV, the inpatiant side.
I was seriously upset yesterday. like its not my fault that im going. the tickets were booked weeks ago, wehn i was fine, or thought to be fine. and i mean, this might br my only chnce to see my dad for a good while, im not gonna jsut let that slip by. like if things dont go the right way... well then they dont. but ateast i can try my best. of course they're not gonna take into account if i actualyl tried, they dont care about that. if my weigt si down, then it means ive done something wrong... or it might mean that ive been in a different countr and that usualyl doesnt mean that you sit and watch tv all day. im actually gonna do soem stuff, meet relatives. that does tkae energy. but im not gonna eat mreo jstu cus of it.
I wont be blogging while im ENlgnad as i dont have acomputer.. what a nice break eh? :) but i suppsoe when im back there'll be plenty more!! :):) Lol

Lets hope that i can sit still, follow my meal pland and that they'll be no arguing!! :)

excited, excited!








Thursday, November 25, 2010

Food nightmare.

Ok, im suddenly really worried about England. i  dont think ive thought about it properly. like, there wont be the same foods, maybe not even measuring cups to measure up. we;ll be on the move or like doing thigns so its not like i can plate up a bowl of yoghurt and cereal to take with me. i want somethign whic i can jsut have in my bag and eat when the time is to eat.
   also... what will happen abotu lunch? like with ym dad, hes not gonna want to go to a restauraunt and buy lunch, i know that. he'll be wanting to go to like Mcdonalds or jsut buy a sandwich... but im not ready for that. and i know i will freak, but i dontw ant to argue with him, but i know i will. and im not so sure if i can rely on my sister to help me. she'll understand but she'll want ot avoid fights.... so that migt mean me having to like ea a buger or something. :(
   liek i dont thin kmy dad will fully understand hwo thigns go. he most probably will think that as longa si eat somehting, then its fine.... and i supppose hes right... but that will mean my weigth will drop. like im nto fully decided what i will do. if i will jstu forget eating and elt my wieght drop... what i want, or jsut suck it up adn get on with it and show tha im reliable. and that i cna do thigns on my own. but then it will feel liek if i get back and ive done evyerhting and yet my weight has dropped, then ill jsut be like well Shit, what does it matter if i did things right, your  taking into account my weight, not what ive done... but we'll see hwta happens.
   also, as we're leaving england on Monday and my birthday is ont he tuesday i thin kmy dad wants to celebrate my birthday while im there, hopefully  that doesnt mean cake... cuss that he wont understand. alst time i was in ireland, it like christmas, no it was easter. and there was cake for dessert. and i refused i said i wouldnt eat it (this was before my dad knew) but he forced me to eat it.... God... higns went badley. i first went ot the bathroom, got rid of the cake and then took my dogs for a walk.. tno returning till alot later. it was a nightmare and i know that if im forced to eat cake... the exact same thignw ill happen.

i think i need to talk to my mm baout this, so maybe she can explain to dad that somethign i jsut wont eat.

xxx

Just get through today.

Ok.... so we've decided that im gonna go to England. it might not be the best for my physical health, i cant promise tat ill do evreything right. but i mean its gonna be good for my mentla health if i can jsut get awya fomr this palce... wehre all the girls are thin and some jsut look dead (mainly in the in patiant side) if i can get awy fmr here, spend time with normal people, people who eat wat they want when they want. it might help me. and it give me more hope or seomthign ot work towards. cus now its prety useless, theres nothign motivating me to keep working.
  so now jsut need ot get through tpday and then tmorrow evening im off!! i still ahev to pack... thats gnna eba  nightmare!!
  it should be good to see my dad and step family!! i miss htem laods... btu im worried, the alst time my dad saw me... i was refusing to eat. :/

just get through today!



Winter Wonderland!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tears of defeat

Ive actually given up. i cant fight this anymore. its too strong, im defeated, the anorexia has won.
   im no longer in this battle. ive stepped away, retreating.

so basically eveyrhting is shit. when mum came to visit i jsut burst into tears. i cant even remmeber what i cried abotu or what i said. but i do remeber saying that im no longer coming to Mando. i'll sign myself out, fuck what anyone else thinks. mum thinks that once i get back from England ill jsut get to live at home. i doubht it, i bet ill spend even more time in the hotel. and she thinks that ill get ot come home either thursday night or friday morning... Hello.... she doesnt think the same as my fucking supervisor, my supervisor wants to keep me back.
   :(
 When it came to dinner time ihad made up my mind, iwasnt going up. it wasnt the eating that was hte problem, it was hte whole tihng of going up to Mando,. i couldnt do it.
  i just began crying even more and mu mgot all cross at me, but finally she came and hugged me and she as like, only a few more days, and if you screw it up now, theres no way that you´ll be allowed to go.
  so basically she came up with me, even though i was 20 minutes late. the styaffw as a bitch she got all cross with me, but thats what i had expected, thats why  iasked mum to come up with me, but once mum left the staff released her rath getting cross and angry at me.. couldnt seh see that i was crying. i still ahd tears in my eyes, my eyes were red... and that i was practically hyperventilating.
    whatever though... i mean it, im going to england and then when i get back, im not fucking living in the hotel., if i do.. i will jsut wlak right out there, no matter what anyone says. i dont care. its my life and ill live it the way i want to.

i mean... ok the eating, whatever... its the whoelt hing of ebing here that is getting to me now, im jsut used ot eating.. i still ahvea  problem with it, but its not he bigegst problem.

they seem to think that if they let me go home, things are going to go wrong.  but they´re not giving me the chance to show them.
  and the only reason things went wrong was beacuse i skipped meals and hte meals i dint eat i didnt eat right... that was why.

:(



how do YOU see me?

Ok, so ive been told that i do too much walking. that im not alowed down in the hotel (im sorry i have washing to do) and that people see me like im getting worse. that im falling deeper into the anorexia. in all honesty i feel it. iwant anorexi more.  i dont wan to get rid of it.
  Oh, and ive been advised that i shouldn go to england. cus if i return and my weight is down, that basically shows that i cant do it on my won (oh.. so what... you coulnd thvae let me be at home to sow that  i can do it at home, instead of taking into account how thigns go ina  different coutry.)
   so if my weight is down, its likely that ill be back in HDv and its likely ill go back to HDV if i cant sit down. so absically im like Fuck it all. im signing myself out of here. i cant be bothered with it anymore.
   im jsut gonnaw alk out. take the nect train home. pack my stuff and get the hell out of here. ive had enough, and i dont care.
  i mena.... seriously.... how do i look to eveyrone else? i dont feel any different, bigger, but not anything else. and how am i actin thta is different frm two weeks ago? im doing the same things?
  and nw i dont know whos watching me, everyone apparently. :(:(

i want soemone to cry to. things are just getting tougher, and more annoyign and im fed up.. avent i had enough t deal iwth. i have CF for hte res of my life, i have to come to a CF clinic every month. i cut myself, ive thought and planned on killing myself.... what else .... do you just have to add anorexia and make evyrthing go down hill... give me a week of good thigns and then its like NO... thats your enjoyent fr hte next year. now eveyrhting is jsut going down hill.
  I must have ben bloody Hitler in ym past life to deserve this.

400th post!

I actually have nothing ot say.... but i felt i should write soemthing as this i my 400th post.. and each one is just as bad as hte one before, if not worse!! :)
   really, why i writ ein hte blog.. it realy does beat me. its not like anything exciting happens!! my days are the same, all i do is complain about food, how much i hate my superviosr and how shit evyerhting is going.. wouldnt you like to hear sem good news nw? Yah... me too!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

nothing good.

So ok, things are going well. this weekend went fine, my weight went up. and we looked at the activity monitor results, tey were still kinda high but a BIG improvment. but yet.... my supevisor hasnt said anything about me coming home, baout getting mroe time out. its stilll - sit still, dont move and eat. its like give me a break.
   and my supervisor always leaves me for last and when she does tlak to me, which could be like once evyer two days or soemthing its jsut like nothing. oh.. you wieght is up, your weight is down. thats absically it.
   and also about the weeknd. on sunday, for dinenr it was like fish potatoes and sauce (oh, what i would do for a different dinner. :/ ) but there was a bit fo sauce on the plate, basically, spread out but there was no food otu so i was just liek fuck it, im not gonna eat sauce on its own. but then the staff sitting there got all up in my face, you havent finished the sauce, you have to eta it i was liek, im not dong that. normal people dont do that, if they're finished their food  but theres sauce left, i dont think theyre jsut gonna eat it. i mean another girl at the table was like, "wwhat, do you want me to lick the plate clean?" the staff kinda paused and said, "No of course nto.. bt scrape it clean." Like WTF?
    and then they said seomthing about m spilling food... what? they think i do it on purpose. like with porridge or hte juice while i walk to the table it might spill, but i mean, try manuverng your way while evryone is eveyrwhere and see if you spill?
   they think i  do it on purpose. but whatever.... basically i need to try and please the in patiant staff as well.. basically i htink Fuck them.
   im tired, i want to get out of here, but i ont want to work for it.

I mean on friday im suppsoed to go to England... but i dont know. if im not even allwoed home for a whoe day, how are they going ot let me go to england for like 3. and then on Tuesday (next week.) its my birthday. my supervosr wanted me to come in.... are you kidding em? is hse that much of a bitch that she wants me to sit at Mando for my birthday? I mean.. come on.
   so i dont know what will happen there, but my birthday is gonna suck. i dont want cake, and at the moment were not in hte best financial state as we've moved, so nto expecting any gifts. but thats ok, the only thing i want is to have my dog over. :( but she has no where to live. :(
    and my mum and sister wat to throw me a party.... but who would come? its not liek i ahev any friends here. and ive told them, no cake but they want tot ge t a cake. so what... i sit there, blow out the candles... cut the cake? but not eat the cake? thats jsut wrong. but im not reayd to try cake.

.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Time mean something different here.

While your stuck inside in Mando, time is a complete different concept. Like basically, you eat and then you sit and wiat for yuor next meal... and seomtimes hte watiting is awful.... its sooo long, and other times it jstu flys by and you dont know where the time went.
   And theres no windows so it feels as if its nigt, and it makes you tired. i dont liek ti here. i want to be home again. it went good during hte weekend.
   :/

On my own.

So yesterday... iwas good... and ate! :)
  For diner it was prawns adn rice ina cocnut sauce...ok, maybe not the most high calorie thing, but i liek prawns, and i knew i couldnt cook anythign which was too much, then i'd get bad guilty thougths. so atleast iate soemthing.
  After iahd eaten i got a bitg uilty, like the thoughts kind of came up.."why did you eat?" "you didnt have to?" "your gonan eb all fat now" but itried to put them aside, nto listent o them. beacuse im hoping to go to England next weekend. like the tickets are boooked,.... so i mean, can they really say no?
  Then i jsut kind fo hung around the house, the internet was gone so i did a bit of eveyrthing, got bored so painted candles, did seom clay work, som sudoku...alittle bit of eveyrthing.... and watched three movies on the television!! Hehe
  i was planning on waititng for my mumto coem back to have my night snack but it was edging on 10 o clock when idecided hat she would jsut haev to trust me that i ate.
   i took my porridge option.... and that went well. i didnt feel so bad afterwards. which is good.

THis morning, my alarm didnt ring, so i got up a bit later.. which totally made me panick. it meant i ahd slept in, and i dont lie sleeping in. i like my routine. i get totally stressed, feel ahev to burn off hte excess calories of sleep.
  breakfast... then i got ready and hten it was my ten snack... how everything jsut blends together.
 after i had eaten mum came nad tlaked to me, she was like, "has everything gone well" cus hse hadnt been watching me. and yeah.. i ahd noticed hse hadnt watched me, but i had followed my meal plan. and evyrhtign had gone fine. she told me that she didnt want to wtach me, she want to trsut me. she wanted home to be a place where i could relax and Mando would eb the palce wher ei hated and like evrythign was strict.
  Hmm... in all honesty im not to sure how that will go. i mean wasnt it the fact that iahd the freedom that i didnt do thigns right?
  i told her it was ok if hse watched, i mean, if i feel im gonna cheat, im not gonna tel my mum, im just gonna cheat but she thinks im gonna go tell ehr that i dont feel well or not gonna do thigsn right. so hoping that i'll jsut keep strogn and jsut keep things going the way they are.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Home alone.

So mum, my sister and her friend have all gone to this party...me, well im not allwoed, so im home alone. so this means - To eat dinner, or not to eat dinner.
   Hard choice i must say, but as im hoping against hell that my wieght is up so that ican go to England next weekend, im plannig to eat dinner. wonder what it iwll be, and how it will go? wonder if i'll get major guilt... im hoping not. If i get through this, its like a test... to see if i can manage on my own.
 
Thats all for now. Wtahcing he first Harry Potter.... he's so young!! :)

Friday, November 19, 2010

if the truth came out.

If the truth were to come out, and the lies were revealed, i would be strapped to a bed in a  psyciatric unit.

So eating W base went well. my time was 20 minutes, but i had the right amount of food.

Filling in the papers went well, apart fomr one question.... Zest for life. so i filled in number two - sometimes i think about suicide but i still want to live.
  so basically that qualified that they needed to have a meeting about me, to see if i was actually suicidal.
 so i met with the doctor, and he asked like whatw as going on.he said that if i was like considered suicidal then i would have to sign this paper saying that i wasnt going ot harm myself,or iwould be moved ot a phsyciatric ward or had o start alking to someone. and that wasnt gonna happen. so i jstu told them ti was a few eeks back when ialst felt liek killing myself. if they knew that jsut a couple of days abck i was planning on killing myself and actaully didi harm myself.... id be in trouble. but i mean they dont haev to know anything.
     and anyway.... thats not the only lie im using right now. i mean... what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors. i would be inBIG trouble if people found out what iwas lying about.
  lets hope tat it stays silent.

thats that.




6 weeks.

So every six weeks, you have to fill in these papers (the same ones you got when you first came to Mando,) one is baout your mental health and the other is what you've eaten for the last 24 hours. For me, the eating i basically jsut need to write down whch option i choose from my meal plan, it matters more when you pcik yourself what your gonna eat, how much and when.
  They also take your weight and your height... nad lucky for me, i've grown 0,5cm, so im now 173!! :) Yay... cus i was htat length before, btu i had obviosuly shrunk cus i was like 172cm and then i was 172.5... so thats good. but i suppose i dont knwo about ym wieght, i highly doubht i've gained 0,5kg over night.... that would actually give me a panic atack.
  And i think i eat W-Base today aswell. So hopefulyl eveyrthingg goes fine. i think we're gonna loo kat the results from the activity monitor aswell.... not so good. i know they're gonna eb high... and how do i explain why i took it off before i was susppsoed to?

For this weekend, i haev time otu from Saturday after my 3 snack and then back again on SUnday for lunch. im wondering if i should even bother. imean i dont jsut want to sit here. but like i leave 3.30, i'll be home for about 4.15, ad then its jsut dinner and my snack. and then the next morning basically its breakfast, ten snack and leave. whats hte point in it? and i know i''ll argue over soemthing. its hard. i dont think i have the energy to go home. or more, that i coudlnt give a hit about anythign so i doesnt matter where i am, cus im jstu gonna sit and eat so does it matter where i do that?

But i think i will go home, mum wants me home. did i tell you that i called mum yesterday and jstu cried. it seems like eveyrthign is my fault. i've uprooted our lives. we've moved away, left my dad in Ireland, and now im not even home ebacuse i dont want to get better. i had promised mum that while iw as here, i would. and at the start i did, iwanted to get ebtter. but ive lost that. everythign is dragging out and theres nothing left to keep me wanting to move forward. i mean, homes not great so its not like im wokring ot get home, school sucks, so not that either. so basically thats it, i dont have any friends here, its not liek  i aheva boyfriend.....
  but ok, stop moaning.

THis morning there was baking. it was jsut me and two other girls from the inpatiants. it was like a sugar cake. i didnt geto to do much, the other girls jsut ook over. but i suppose i would ahev to if i had actually got to do anything. but it meant that i didnt have to sit up here.... so thats a plus anyway.

Now i've got to start filling these paaper.....



Thursday, November 18, 2010

Somebody to talk to.

Why dont things get better?
   so from Monday till today - Thurdsday, i've lost 0,5kg. Just what i wanted, right? I dont know. im fed up with this all. i wish i had jsut killed myself yesterday while i ahd the chance.
  i might run away. (with what money?) i mean this is awful. i dont know what has happend?
I want seombody to talk to. i want to call my mum and just cry, but i know she would get anrgy at me, what have i done wrong? she would wonder. i wonder that aswell.
   i do know that before i was wieghed for the last tow times i had drank like a glass anda  half of water. and today, i didnt think i be wieghed, so i didnt. maybe that has madea difference? but i want to call my mum and jsut talk to her, open up. but i cant. because i jsut stormed out today, and i dotn want to talk to her.
   i dont know what to do on the weekend. i can go home on Saturday after my 3 snack and then come back for luunch on Sunday... Great. but i dont know if i want to go. i mean im just gonna argue, its not gonna eb a  nice experience. but i cant jsut sit here at Mando for two whole days. i cant do that.
   why is everythign so fucked up. i got what i wanted... i lsot weight. i dont have much time at home, but suddenly its not what i want.
  



What a bad night.

So the actual film, Harry Potter was great! I lveod it, 10/10! but the night... well i t jsut got worse.
S it started off when we wereon the metro on the way tot he cinema where i asked mum if she had spoken to my supervisor.. yes hse had. not so sure what about, bbut she had asked about what milk i take (green 1,5% or red 3%) and about the fruit yoghurt and Dream yoghurt and other food realted things. but i was right with the milk adn the yoghurt, it was just that this sweet milk thing, i had taken the 1,5% when it was suppseod to be 3%, how was i suppsoed to know? i mean its not liek im allowed to stand there and look at what fat content is int he food, but i did know that it was 3%, but still....
so then i got pissed off, its like they're having these private conversations, not telling em anythigna dn then they're bth watching em waiting for me to fuck up while all the while telling me "that i mgreta and htat im dong things good and that they trust me." Well if you bloody well trusted me, you wouldnt haev secret conversations. likei dont expect them to trust me, so they can jsut stop saying that they do.
anyway... then it was hte film which was 2 and a half hours... and i loved every bit of it. it didnt feel like it was that long. btu the whole eating the sweets ( i took sweets as my snack [not my choice] but it weight 158g so i would take 2/3 of hte bag cus then it would eb around 100g, what im suppsoed to hvae.) didnt work so well.. liek i ate it, didint think to much abut it.
then on the way home the next metro was in 21 minutes, and i was jsut liek,i have a pain in my body and i dont want ot sit, so i stood there. mum got shit cross at me and my sister was jsut like WTF? but then i finally sat down. and i dont know... mum was cross and pissed off, my sister couldnt handle me, she doesnt like when iact like that (but its out of my control , i cant help it, and i was seriously tired,
it was 12.30am at this point and i've 6 hours sleep each night for hte last liek three weeks.
so i was practically falling asleep but then when we were walking back to the house my sister wa slike, "whats wrong? why are you acting like this? whya re you so angry" i couldnt udnerstand, i mean i wasnt angry, i was tired. and then she started saying that "i always ruined the nigt adn that i sould fucking go back to Mando" and that she coudlnt handle having a sister with an eating disorder who gets guilty thoughts al the time (Guilty thoughts? i didnt have any) [now i realise i msot porbably did, jsut didnt register it.]
and then seh said that the man she sat beside on hte metro had asked if se knew me and if iwas alright, if i had a mental problem.
That did it, i was inches from kicking my sister, but i didnt. i jsut stormed off, having my mum following and calling me back.
(what a scene we were making, at 1 am, in the middle of the center)
I stormed home, racing past my mum and sister. loocked myself int he abthroom where i started cutting myself. i dont know what was going on with my mum and sister, they were argueing, crying, talkign.. idont know... but ijsut stayed in there. i finally came out, where my mum got cross at me, "are you jsut gonna stand all night then?" she asked. i didnt bother answering, i was just wating for her to go to sleep.
when she was in her room and my sister wa sasleep i jsut stood there.... trying to find a way to end it all. i mean... i cant stand it.. i should eb glad to be home... it should be a happy place.. but it isnt. and if i cantt manage at home, ebcause i fight eveyrtime im there or seomthign goes wrong.... then why should i bother? home should be the place im most comfortable, but its not... i dont want tog o there, i mena if i could live in the hotel and take my meals on my own ,id be perfectly content, and not going to school either.... id be a happy bunny
andyway it was maybe 2.30 am, when i was just liek, "enough is enough" either kill myself or dont. and i really did want to kil lmyself, but it was mroe of a revenge type of killing. so my mum and sister could wake up and see me lying on the floor, and realise that the last thing they said to me was "you should fucking stay at Mando"
so after a bit more thought, or jsu standing there not knowing what to do i finally jumped into bed... and cried myself to sleep.
This morning wasnt good either. i got baout 4 and a half horus sleep. -Nice.
i couldnt be bothered to wake mum so i jsut got on with my breakfats btu she came jsut when i had ifnished preparing and she was all like, "did you take the sweet milk?" - Oh yeah... right i cant have it....
so she got pissed at that and then half way through breakfast she wa slike, "should i mix up the Scandishake." No i old her, i would tkae it at Mando. but she was all like, no yo uwont. you'll tell mando that you took it at home and tell me htat you took it there.
so anyway after more arguing i took half the scandishake. then got ready and left. i didnt even bother to say "bye" i eman ic ant fucking stand them. my mum adn and sister can jsut move away. they should. i can stand them, and they cant stand me.

Back at Mando.... i hate it, but SO MUCH BETTER than at home. maybe i jsut shouldnt bother getting better. i mean i prefer it here. i can be like one of thoose patiants which they never get rid of, and i wont mind it. if i eat everything, but find a way to lsoe weight.... :)

tired of life, tired of living.

Superchick - Suddenly.



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Harry Potter!




Just cus i love Harry Potter, the films and the books (started reading the book s on my own when i first went into the irish mental hospital... Hmmm.... it kept me going!) but mum has read the boks to us (the first three) when me and my sister were younger, but i would fall asleep while she read, and i dont know how much i actually understood!
  I've like grown up with Harry Potter, seen all the films in the cinema... and they jstu  keep getting ebtter and better!
  and as im going to the Preimar of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Prt 1 today... this post is dedicated to Harry Potter.... and ofcourse, Ron, Hermione and hte order of the Phoenix!!



WHAT? Since when have they been friends?
 ^^Is that supposed to be Harry                                       
                                        In the green shirt? cus hes lost he's sex appeal if it is!
D.A - Dumbledroes Army!

Hogwarts!School of witchcraft and wizardry!
The Actors!
He just get sexier adn sexier - doesnt he? :)
So young!
The DREADED voldemort!


Its gonna be good!! Or i hope so! (I do haev to take a cinema alternative though... Damn it.)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Even though im hurt, i just keep going.

Everything is taking its toll on me. im so tired of it all. i mean i dont want to keep fighting anymore, i do just want to give up. i mean, why fight for something which you dont truely want. i dont want to gain weight, so why am i spending all my energy and time on trying?
   this is jsut wasting my life.
 Like i find, im almost getting worse. ok, fine im at Mando, eating. but what goes on inside of me, thats jstu getting worse even though my weight is going up. im feeling hte urge to exercise, like im haveing to start telling myself that i cant go down to hte hotel, because i'll jsut stand there or start walking. and im even feeling an urge to puke. its definitely hard after my night snack to try to not exercise or puke. so far, i havent really puked (once or twice... i have. :/) and the exercise, well i've done a bit of standing around, but nothing like running around in my room, maybe a bit fo walking....]
   and yesterday... absaluotly nothing was on my mind, but i jsut saw this knife (sharp kitched knife which i had kept in my room from before) and i was just like, what the hell? at first it hurt, cus when im hurting inside and cutting as a relief, then i dont feel the pain but i was jsut cutting cus i saw a knife, it was liek attention seeking, like a Goth or seomthing, but it hurt at first then, but then my whole arm went numb and i didnt feel anything.
   so as my wieght goes up, my mental stae is basically decreasing... i sound very reasonable typing this up... as if i've jsut accepted that im a mental case. shouldnt i jsut be like... no im not crazy, im not mental.. my mental state/health is fine. well, in all honesty, it is... im not so bad as wanting to kill myself anymor...
   and eating.... well... ok i eat. but i hate eveyr bit of it.. if iw as left alone, i would definitely skip a meal or two.






Monday, November 15, 2010

Exercise over boys.

Heheh.... for a good while now its been  a good long hours walk instead of meeting boys. like i havent even been interestd in them. theyre jsut boys, like a five year ols, they see boys as friends not anythign more. and i couldnt even be any interested in kissing or sex or any of that.
   but if you were to ask me liek ayear and a half ago, i was crazy about boys. i wanted my first kiss (which let me tell you, sucked.) and i wanted a boyfriend more than anything. boys were my life! LOL
   so it was weird when  a couple of weeks back when mum or my sister would say, that boy is totally checking you out. or hes cute. or my sister would say thigns like, ill set you up with soem good looking guy. and i was just like.. i dont are. i dont wnat a boyfriend.
   but instead.... i wanted to go swimming,dancing,gymming, so i would gladly take an hours dance class over a really good kiss iwth say... Taylor Lautner!!! Hhaa.... crazy ro what>?

But now.... jsut yesterday on my way to Mando i saw these really cute lads !! and then i was like... i want a boyfriend. and i didnt want them to see me as thin or as a irl who didnt eat, which is what i have wanted.. i ahve wanted everybody to see me as thin. but now im like.. no, no one wants to date seom girl that doesnt eat, im sure guys dont mind semone who is thin (but not anorexically thin) but still eats.
  
So now maybe my whole boy lustt is coming back.. but hopefully not as strognly as before... i was like obsessive! Lol! :) (Beter than nothign though!)

Cooking today.

So im again doing the cooking lessons, i asked. its mainly to jsut get away from eating up at Mando and that id ont mind cooking. but wht i didnt think of was that the las titme i did cooking lessons, i knw all the girls nad they were nice and not so.... sick. like they smiled, they were happy. the girls this time, they wer HDV patiants, but they were so... depressing. like i couldnt be around them. i know i was like that before so really i cant be too critical, and i sitll am like that soemtimes.
   we these cooked burgers with cheese and brown suace with potatoes. first i was like - Oh uh. Cheese. i was not looking forward to it, but i put that aside and wa sjut like... it could be worse, it could be lasagna, that i would definitely NOT eat.
   but the other 3 girls they were like crying getting upset over it. But then also the girl i was usppseod to work with, she wouldnt sya what she had done, she was taking over ( i understand how my sister feels, this weekend she was like,dont take over when we cook [and i did] but i never noticed how annnoying it is to be the one left out. but i do feel more comfortable when its me doing hte work, hten i know whats in the food, so its the same for her. but it was annoying) likek im pretty sure we had like double of eveyrthing.
  And then the other two were like, Fuck like, Fuck food. im not gonna be here. im not gonna eat this. food is horrible. i hate food and other stuff. it was like, ok, i was like that ebfore and still am soemtimes and i still dont exaclty like food. but i get on with it, and rant on here!!! :):):)
   but they were so depressing, i couldnt stand them. i wanted to jstu shout, Shut up! i dont like eating too, btu im doing it to get the hell out of here. so why dont you stop complaining and get on with it aswell! - Hahah... bitch alert! yes i know. i really shouldnt be so mean. but good thing i didnt sya anything. but i jsut wanted to get awya fomr those girls so i ended up following my timeline pretty well!!so somehting positive anyway! :)
  Urghh and i was like.... you dont even look good. who would want to date you - Ohhh.. ahrsh, i really shouldnt be saying this type of stuff.

Thats my little rant over. today ig ot weighed, but dont know yet what the result is. Hoepfully ive gone up, meaning that thigns worked out at home... fingers crossed!
  

  

Sunday, November 14, 2010

whats so scary.

I just had this really weird thought - whats so scary about a  burger? then came; whats so scary about a pizza?
  i mean with a pizza, its baout 700 - 800 calories, and thats about how much is in my like lunch or dinner.
i mean.. whats so wrong with it? which is relaly werd, i sitll wouldnt eat it though.

i think its cus of the oil and fat adn butter and cheese. im not planning ont rying to eta it anytiem soon, but it was weird to think like that... i dont know if i liek it or not...


^^Hmmm.... looks slightly disgusting and repulsing to me! ^^

Everything is good.

For now... everythign has gone fine! :)
  Got an extra hours sleep as i idnt have to be up so early, thats good, but it was a drag having ot get up... im so exhausted frm eveyrhitng. then i woke mum up as shewas gonna be with me as ihad my breakfast, it took me lik half an hour though as i was reading.. hmm... thats not so good!
   then i got ready, and it was my ten o clock snack. but as i didnt have my half scandishake for breakfast i was gonna have it then.... hmm... but it went ifne. i measure it up, mixed it and hten sat down adn drank it.
  diidnt do so much tehn, and hten it was lunch... oh the joy, all ive done today is eat. which was Gnocci pasta dn Quorn mince... it was nice!! but i added too much ketchup, so my mouth burned. it was actually nice to ccook and to choose what i wanted to eat. im so tired of hte same food and not being allowed to choose whta to eat at Mando.
   So thats my day so far. boring. havent done anything, but for now im not allowed. but i suppsoe if my weight has gone up, i can show that i can do it right at home and then i'll be allowed home more. and i mean... i like it. i was worried that iwould eb annoyed ad thigns would be shit. but they really arent. its a relief to not ave to lie. to know that im doing hte right thing and i dont mind mum stadning watching that im doing things right. she has to. once myw eight goes up and im doing eveyrthing, then it wont be so strict. but its a nice feeling not having to sneak around.
   im maing a fresh start. this will be like my first visit home. cus i can tell you, from my veyr first time out while iw as an in patiant, i did thigns wrong, eveyrtime iw as out. so now.... im not. ive learnt my lesson and i want to do things right.
   I like thigns this way and i want ot keep it this way.

did i tell you that we baked yesterday? wll i t didnt go so well... we burnt the buns.. hehe, not my fault this tiem though!!

thats me keeping you up to date!!

xxx

Saturday, November 13, 2010

So far so good.

for now...things are ok. mum came after lunch and we took the metro home. thenwe went to the shop to buy food,al so vyer interesting. but she was gnna buy the red (3%)milk, but itold her that we had hte green milkm (1,5%) and that i would refuse to drink milk if she bought hte red one, and seh was like, fine.. i'll ask on Monday. for hte scandishake i take the red one but for drinking i take the green one. but i'll tell her that later.
  anyway, then when we got back it was time for my snack, i got cross at her cus she was just staring at me, but then i was like, "you know... i dont expect ehr to trust me, and its  good that she watches me." so then i jsut got on with it, i mean im  not planning on cheating. so when i sat down it was kind of nice, not the whole eating bit but the fatc hat icould sit down wiht mum and know that i wasnt lying about whati was eating. like im tired of lying. before i didnt eat with anyone cus i didnt eat, and then when i was ceating i stopped eating with mum and my sister at homebecause i wasnt eating .... so it was nice ot be able to jstu know i was doing the right thing. and for now.. i dont have any guilty thoughts.
   for dinner tonigt it fish burgers adn rice i think. Hmm... and i think they're makeing this sauce.. eww,eww... i dont know... im gonnahave to just get on with it, or do a 50/50, half ketchup, half the sauce, then at least im showing that i can have the sauce??? wonder if ill be allowed.
  Thats it for now.... imwondering how thigns will go... we're also planning on baking, not so sure what they're called in english, but theyre thse like sweet bun things.... veyr christmassy.
   im not planing on having any, i dont think im allowed anyway, for now i not allowed ot change anything out, like i cant take a pastery in stead of my 3 snack, not that im planning to....but still.

up all night.

So last night, well it  wasnt exactly the best. i was on hte internet for hours.... first jsut doing normal stuff, youtube, facebook, but then i dont knwo things were jsut... going on inside of me... so i started to cut myelf, but seomhow, the knife was too blunt, it didnt do any damage. i wanted to bleed. like you now when you see when people cut themselves, they bleed, me... i jsut leave nasty red scars.. i dont want that..
  so then i wen onto youtue and typed in self harm and i jsut started to watch videos, more of people explaing self har how its not an attention seeking thing (as we acually try to hide hte scars, it was months before mum found out, if i was attention seeking i would have jsut strutted around showing them off, its the same with anorexia, i hid it and still want to hide it, i dont want people knowing.)
   then  i started watching films about anorexia, and at first i was like.. so what.
but you know what.... i didnt find any of the girls skinny, like type in anorexia into youtube and watch the videos or look at pictures on Google... i dont find anything wrong with them. they look fine. just normal. and then i was like... i want to be like that. i dont want to be like this. like i wasnt even that bad that i had to be ina  wheelchair (well im not sos ure, i think i did but cus of my CF it wouldnt have been healthy for my lungs if i jsut sta all day... but i dont know)
   and like... i was nver thin and amnt now, so why are people calling me anorexic? it doesnt make sense.
so i think i watched those anorexic videos for a god couple of hours, at like 2am or seomthing i finally dragged myself to bed, feeling worse than ever. it was hard to lie there, and i cudnt sleep, i wanted to be thin so badley, even now those thoughts are buzzing round my head (your not thin, your not anorexic yet your eating like a pig now)
  not so sure when i got to sleep but it was a dreamless night.

I dont think that was such a good thign to do yesterday.. i mean... how am i gonna act today when i so cleraly want to lose wieght... ???? i dont know. but... i do... i want to lsoe wieght.. iwant to be like thoose girls in the pictures... like the lowest i was 42kg, thats like 90lbs. in these videos they're all lilke 30kg or like...70lbs or somthing.. im jsut like, well... im WAY bigger than that, yet im still considered "thin"??? yeah right.

But irght now... im living ina  bubble... a sick anorexic bubble. im not out int he rel world, im not socialzing wiht real people, normal people who eat what they want when they want and dont care abotu calories or eating, or weight. i  need to get out there, be with thoose people (but i can tgo to school, school is somethign i look forward to returning to.)
  like here, theres always soemone messing around (even me included soemtimes) but its jsut so hard... we all hate and find it hard ot eat.... i cant be around these girls any longer, they influence me too much.

Urrghhh FML.

Friday, November 12, 2010

-

I wish people would see me, the real me, the one that is hurting and lost.

i dont want to go home.

so i was all pepped and glad when mum came.. looking forward to the weekend. but not really now. so befoer my supervisor left she was like i need ot talk to you, and then seh asked me to choose which option i was gonna have for the weekend. i was like, i cant do that. i'll choose when it coems to eating. not now. but hse made me. anyway, seh was gonna send an email to mum.
  so when mum came i was alreayd pissed off. anyway she read hte email and i aske dif i cold se it, first she said no, but then she let me. and basically it was jsut saying that mum had ot sit with me, watch me prepare the food, make sure i  take my tablets, that i basically sit all day, no activity. and that i rest. and then she had written down the optionsni had picked, but for my three snack, she had written down this dream yoghurt instead of  fruit yoghurt and i was like, thats wrong. thats not what i have. and mu mgot all like, dont try this with me. aand i got really cross and showed her my meal plan, showing her that my superviosr had written it wrong. im not sure mum trusts me. :( anyway i stormed off saying that i didnt want to come home.
   and then i jsut locked myself in the bathroom with a sharp knife. i was wondering if i should skip my night snack, not bother ot go up. but then i figured mums not gonna want to ake me home if this i show i act (not that i want to go home.) I also took off my activity monitor, i mean its all reayd gonna be too high and really ill jsut take whatever they say on Monday, i couldnt be arsed to wear hat fricking thing.
   when icame down again mum was all ike, ok im going. all psised iwth me, not knowing if i actualyl wanted to come home or not. she was ognna go but i wa slike, don go leaving things like this. so she stayed... but then i was just like, Fuck off. i dont want you here.

I hate it. this weekend i ognna be the worst. I mean im planning ot follwo the meal plan. but i dont know... i dont want to be home. i want to live on my own, but not at Mando, just on my own. and no, i most probably wouldnt follwot he meal plan but  dont really care.

and the diner was a disaster, or for everyone else it was. we got like prawns and fish in this sauce thign and rice. i thought it was ok... of course not my choice of food, but it wasnt bad. everyone else thouhh had serious problems, crying, leaving, refusing to eat and i was just like, stop! you have no idea how all of you acting this way affects me. i mean, you think im all like... a day patiant... but ou have no idea how hard it is when everyone else seems to be able to like refuse food (of course they still have to eat at the end of the day, they dont get away with it.)....
  

upset. i need a shoulder to cry on. i want his all to end. but no with me gaining weight, more with me not being here. :(
  God.... i ts so easy to talk adn write about suicide.. but would  i ever actually do it? that i dont know.

recovered anorexic.

so today me and another girl meet wiht a recovered anorexic. and yu know what... she was really pretty. i mean it. and she was thin too. like i've met and seen soem other recovered anorexics, and they're... we;ll lets say, i dont want to be that weight because they're a bit on the flabby side. and i dont think thats normal, like i suppsoe you can be normal and not have flab hanging on you, so basically tht freaked me otu, theyre gonna make me flabby but after seeing that girl (not sure her name, so im gonna call her Liz.) Liz, my mind was slightly at ease. her story once again related alot to mine.
  i cant remember too much of what seh sid, but how she found it so tough, and that she really was rock bottoma dn some days she was like Damn i want to get rid of this and others she was like, Fuck this, i dont want to gain weight.
  and i asked her about how she was when she got more responsibility and she was liek, tis tough, one of hte hardest things. because she realised that hse could so easily skip a meal and no one would notice adn she said that it wasnt always easy but she got control. unlike me, i ind of listened to the voice and skipped meals. but one thing she said was, if yo uskip the meal and lsoe weight, it wont matter, youre jsut gonna get punished (not as much freedom) and your jsut gonna hvae to gain that weight again, and meaning more time taken from you living yourlife. so theres no point in cheating. and that really struck home, because really, what the fuck was i doing at home? i mean.. look where its landed me. im just gaining the weight that i lost back again, but making this whole thing take even longer. so really... wtf?
   i also asked her when she felt that the anorexic side of her lost or had less control over her. she said she oucldnt really answer it, like it was hard... it was more when seh realised that she could go out and not really mind eating or taking a pastery or soemthing and not having guilty thoughts thats when she had mroe control over her life.
   it was nic meeting her. i want to do that... talk about ym life story.. or my anorectic story when im better.

i think im gonna start writing notes - like...  i was maybe in my first year of secondary when things started to go funnny, i skipped lunch as i didnt want people to see me eaet, then in the next year i started throwing up, eating less, exercising, was too tired to o to shcool, started self harming, mum fund otu, was admitted to a mental hospital, where i jsut got worse, was there for 3 months, had NG feeding for 2 weeks, my weight went up but my mental state went down as eyerday i thought about suicide, mum took it upon her to move us bac to sweden, got three weeks out of hospital wher ei realised that i wanteed to live and get rid of this thing. was an inpatiant for like... i dont know.... maybe 2 months or soemthign, was down in the hotel for 2 weeks, then i was a day patiant, but we didnt have a steady home so eveyrthing was kind of hard, then we got our own apartment and i started school but things went wrong, i cheated. then i ended up losing weight, so was back in the hotel for 3 weeks. hats my story so far.
   just a brief little thing :)

Its nice to see recovered anorexics though... they dont look anorexic. like some times im like, i want people to look at me and be like damn shes thing. and other times im like, i want people to jsut see me as a normal girl, but that scares me, for people to not see me as thin.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Ready made meals.

Ok... let me see.. i have soem good news... my supervisor was like i want to talk to you. SHIT! i thought. what have i done wrong?
  but it turned otu ot be good news. so on Saturday after lunch iget to go home, and come back for dinner on Sunday!! so thats good good! :) Im happy!
  i think we'rd planning to bake christmas cakes adn make like christmas prezzies!! :) so hopefully that will go well, but i mean.. how many hours can yo udo that for?
  Then... let me see.. on wednesday... the big Harry Potter film is out!! Yay... in 3D! AMAZING! so me, mum and my sister are gonna go to that!! cool cool... and if my wieght has gone up i'll be allowed ot sleep home that night. ootherwise i'll come back to the hotel.
  like tomorrow im gonna be wieghed and then again on Monday, and if my weight has dropped, then i wont get so much time out... and my suerviosr said htat if my wieght carrys on going up, then im fine to go to England!! yay yay yay yay!! that still doesnt make me want to gain weight, but still, theres nothing i can do about it, so i might aswell get soemthign good out it! :)
   err... that was the end of the good news. tomorrow im gonna meet a recovered anorexic, so i can ask her some questions, havent thought of nay, but i know theres loads of things i want to ask. and then next week im gonna do the cooking classes again.... (i asked) its just so i can get out of sitting up here all day! :) and i think cooking with cream and cheese is good for me. (my mind. not my body)
   then today.... nothign happend, apart from my supervisor forgot to order food for me (and hte rest of her patiants who came in today) so that meant for lunh i got another staffs food and then for dinner.... uh oh. it was a ready cooked meal. i was not happy. ready cooked meals are a big NO! i dont eat ready coked meals. anyway.... i didnt have a choice so i got beef with potatoes and peas and carrots... eeuurrghhh.... thats the only thign i cna say.
  im trying to calculate how many calories, i think its somewhere like 600 caloires and like 20gram fat.... i think... its really quite gross. my mind is not helping me at hte moment. its shoutig things like, your fat, your gaining weight adn you look like a cow and alot worse... but i cant seem to  put it in words.
   that was that today.



  

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

waiting for touch down.

Ugghhh... you know what... it feels like im stil on holiday... the worst one ver. but right now im read to jsut pack up and take my flight abck to ireland and et back to my routine. like you know that feeling you get, where your sad to leave but glad to jsut be getting back to your own bed, your own routing, daily life...stop living in holiday mode. for me.... it feels like a holiday still, not so much holiday life style or hholiday mode... but a holiday. and now im ready to jsut pack up and leave.... et back to our house in ireland, my dog, my friends... my life.
   i really do wish it was that simple, to be able to jsut jump ona  plane and be able to fly awya from my problems... but it feels like it, like i could just leave this ED right here in sweden adn fly away from it....
   im tired of this now.... i mean... like .... i dont want to go up in weight... even this weekend... like i want to go home, but i almost dont feel ready, like... i will try to not eat... but thats what i want to do. not eat. like when i got down after my night snack.. iwas like, damn i want to self harm. like where the hell did that coem from? nothing has exaclty happend today to make me upsest or make any emotions coming brewing... so what... but then after that thing of iwant to self harm (which i didnt) i was liike... i want  to lose weight... and then i was just standgin there, i was like "its ok to exercise... its ok to throw up." everyone does it... so why not me. wanting to exercise or puke doesnt mean an eating disorder... like come on.. norma people do that too.
   i dont know.... as my emotions werent taking over me, i actually didnt throw up/self harm or exercise.. unless you count standing around (which i admit i have done alot of today) as exercise.

wouldnt it be nice to  pop a few sleeping pills and dream this nightmare away?

No dinner!

Yeah i wish... but it could easily have turned out that way (yeah right) . so what happend was that there was no dinner ordered for me... i had absaloutly no problem with that... come on.. how important is dinner? but anyway... the staff were to pleased...
  so iended up getting one of the staffs dinner (dont know what he ended up eating.) but it was th same thing as i ahd had for lunch, pasta and this lik tomatoe beef sauce. at first iwas like... oh.. ok, well dont complain. but then i suddenly blurted it out.. he was just like, its not my fault, blame your superviosr, but then one of hte girls there was like, i dont mind haeving pasta again. so we swapped, but i hadnt checked what i was swapping it for... and once i had... i wasnt too happy. it was basically a block of fish with a cream sauce and potatoes... hmm.. i suddnely wanted hte pasta backk... but i kept quiet and jsut got onw ith eating.
   then after  had rested i went down to the hotel where mum was... but i dont know... im not talking to mum,, i have no reason why, like im not angry at her but i dont know... there something stopping me from talking ot her...
   so basically i jsut styed in the room while she was on hte comupter out in the like other room.
  then before i knew it, it was time for my night snack... great.
then i came down, and my sister came down like ten minutes later after hte metting... she said that went well, but didnt want to talk about it.... then mum and my sister left... leaving me here... but thats fine. i want to  be left alone.

 tomorrow is another day... Wednesday... and i think im having hte activity monitor on... herrrmmm..

The snow is back!

so everyone expected.. the snwo came back!!! its nice... so wintery.. but Damn cold!! :)
   nothing today.... apart from.. i peppered my lunch t much so iw as like sweating (gross) and my mouth was burning... it was awfull.... and i went to maths... kinda hard.
  that was that. tomorrow im suppsoed ot haev hte activity monitor on again. hmmm... but im just at Mando which means like no activity... so, seriously, they cant find a faut.... or can they?
  for now im jsut down at the hotel.... my sister came, as shes gonna go to the sister meeting tonight. (siblings of people with anorexia are gonna come together adn talk..... about what? :) )
   my mum came just ten minutes ago.... saving us... as w had just locked ourselves out of the room ... clever! :)

thats it for now.... mybe tomorrow tey'll be more?
  but im sure you're gld that theres not a load of shitty posts!! haha.. plenty more to come!!


Monday, November 8, 2010

Another week.... or two..

Great. so basically his week is gonna be the same as hte last two... sitting and eating.... fun.
   so my wieght is going up, but slowly. if eveyrhting goes well this week though i should be allwoed ot go home from like saturday to sunday... i really wan to, i want to show that i can do evrythign right... but i mean... i dont know how easy mum is going ot be... i mean i want her to be tough, not let me get awayw with skiving fmro my meal plan, cus im sure i'll try, but i dont want to... its not easy to have control of this whole thing so i do need tthe support, but i know that i'll try to do a bit of standing, maybea bit of moving, im not to sure.. but mum has been told, no movement. and mum is into like going for walks and moving your body and that, so like she di take me for wlaks and that, there was a part of me that was like, this doesnt help anything, bbut i would never say no to a walk... not even if i was tired, iwould muster hte energy from somewhere and tag along.
   so if i do get to come home on saturday, tehn we'll jsut be at home,i know it.... cus shes been told. Great.

and... let me se... not much else, basically im jsut gonna stay in hte hotel until like my BMI is up and that i can show that i'll follow hte plan... well... elt me show you... (i dont know... i feel like if i went home id totally follwot he meal plan... but then again theres soemthing there, which i s like, you know very well you wont. so dont try to fool yourself by saying hat you will.) so yeah...  a bit of an inside battle happening.

during hte meeting a i just sat there, angry, upset... but i knew the outcome that id be here for longer... but ina ll honesty i jsut blanked evyrhting they said... so i cant tell you much else.
   then i met the dietitian where we fixed up my meal plan as they've gotten rid of things like raisins,pimubs,caviar and other things aswell... so great... :/
  then i went down to the hotel as mum was still there, at first we argued, she was nnoyed that everytime i came down to the hotel i would stand, and avoid her, even though she would come o see me... but then after a while i broke down and jsut cried, then things were ok... but i was still standing so mum got cross again.
   then when seh ahd to go, i got really upset, tried not to show it... but i was like, Damn... i dont want her to go... then i got cross... how could she leave me here?
   but i miss her. like in all honesty its easier to be in the hotel on my own... so i dont mind that... but its the fact tat like they can coem and go, eat what they want.... jsut go and dow hat they want whilst i sit here eating... it feels awful.. but im jsut going to have to go with it, theres nothing i can change right now...

But damn... another week or two here, and in 3 weeks time im supposed ot go to ENgland? Yeah fucking right i'lll be allowd to go... well i'll fucking go, they cant stop me. Im missing my dad like Hell also... i really want to see him, show him im getting better and eating!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

dinner with mum.

nothing today... unless you want to hear about how bored i was... hoy my ass actualyl went numb? is that even possible? well it seems like it... in the end i kept like rotating, moving wher ei was sitting as my whole body was aching.
  anyway... mum came fifteen minutes before dinenr, and i was down at the hotel at hte time (doing my nebuliser) so for 5.45, we went up and mum asked if there was any food left over (as she was hungry and theres no food in my fridge here) and surprisingly, there was!! :) so i got to eat with mum, in an eating lab, but it was still nice! :)
  it was my first time to eat dinner with her in two weeks... imagine... its been two weeks... two weeks ago i was planning on killing myself, but i told myself.. .get through two weeks, jsut go in the hotel, get better, follow the meal plan adn come home and caryr it on, i just need that little bit of support. im glad that i didnt kill myself.... imagine how just eating right.... has changed my mood... i mean, i was having ALOT of mood swings, more depressed while i was at home, while my weigth was dropping, but now... now im btter... my mood is more stable, and my weight is going up.... slowly, but it is.... im not so sure what will happen tomorrow... i think i'll be wieghed (Hope ive gone up. - actually when i realised i would msot prob eb weighed tomorrowi  got really panicky and stresed hoping i had gone up... i mean... i havent done anything wrong.. maye a bit of standing.. but nothing else really.. anyway.. i kept saying to myself..im gonna go up in wieght, ive gone up in weight (as if thats gonna mak a difference) but then i started saying, i want to go up in weight, i want to gain weight and suddenly i was scratching myself, like almost self harming scratching, and the more i said i wanted to gain weight the mroe feircefully i scratched.... oops... all red now....) ok... where was i?
 well tomorrow, 8am theres  a meeting to discuss whats gonna happen next (am i gonna be there or no? i wonder, as i ahev breakfast at tha time... maybe  wont be a part of the meeting.... thats even wrse than sitting there and eating breakfast with three people watching me)
   so until thnei dont know....

God..... im  awake... i decided for my night snack, which included hot chocolate to add coffee.. like a mocha... bad idea/.... havent had coffee in ages.. and at first it made me really tire.... but now im WIDE awake.... shit.

gonna try to catch some Z's now....

until tomorrow.... hoping for good news...

^^^ goofing round! ^^

Saturday, November 6, 2010

if your not looking you wont see.

So, as bithcy as it sounds, ive always been like, im not like the rest of these HDV patiants, they try everything. but in all honesty... im jsut like them... jsut as bad as everyone here. I mean... if i can... i'll try to not take as much as it says... try to scrape off the butter, or the sauce... or drop food, or spill, and i dont know... i dont think about it.. i dont decide.. oh im gonna jsut scrape this off, or not take as much as it says  it just... happens... lie i notice when i do it, i just dont stop myself. like i cant get awyaw with not taking right, they really do watch, but i mean... there are things which i'll try.. 
 
and i find... i like see when the rest do stuff, like slowly edge the food off hte plate, spill the drink, scrape the butter off the sandwich, crumble the biscuit, (im jsut giving myself awya now... if anyone i know reads this... they'll really watch me, see if i do this stuff!! Heads up... al anorexics! :))
   so theres jsut small thigns, which you wouldnt see if your not looking, also like small movements in the chair, the movement of feet... the walk around the room when they think nobodies looking... all this stuff. you really wouldnt notice it.
    but really... i should shape up... im just like veryone else... i never looked down at them... im not like that, i cant actualyl because everyone is like veryone else... its hard to look down at somenoe or think your higher or lower... i mean we're all here for a  reason.. we have problems iwth eating... whether we puked, or stopped eatin, or over exercised...
   
so today was pretty boring i mean i was just up here, but then my sister poped by around 3.30, so we went down to the hotel.. .she went  on the computer and i did a bit of embroidery... oh... and my school catalog has come hmm.. i look pale... like if i had dark hair id look liek a vampire. :/

the last one standing.

Well to start off, i got na hours extra sleep last night... most people think thats great.. me, no not really. I haev a routine for my morning and id like to stick to that routine.
   I had like ten minutes to get ready.... tha means clothes disaster... i had absaloutly no idea what to wear. but then i got ready so quickly and i had five mintues or seomthing.... and i dont know.. iwas so stressed ebacuse i ahd slept an extra hour that i wanted to get u and exercise.... not a good idea. I mean wanintg ot exercise because i slept longer is not a good sign of getting better. it was hard to try to change my mind set, to tell myself to not start doing jumping jacks. like only yesteday mum had told me to not exercise or stand so much.... like im not aan over exerciser... well (i dont knwo... i do remember before, maybe a year ago or seomthing [puking at the time] i saw this program about anorexics... and i was like.. god, who coul do that. while i was sitting on an exercise bike... and then the rest of the day.. i rememer not eating and like exercising loads... goign for two hour long walks... and i though i was fine. but i obviously got really affected by the show.)
  so anyway to get myself off exercising i went outside and jsut stood in the coldair... it was nice... i could then tell myself, dont exercise, it wont do you any good. bt im worried.... its not a good sign.

  Anyway... when i got up to the clinic, i saw this staff who had been like ht one to show me around and kind of eat with me at the start, when i first came. and i jsut saw the look on his face, "shes still here?" it was awfull.... and then i realised, out of the group when i first came... im the only one left standing (or sitting), like im basically back to where i started and really makes me feel like shit. i should eb in school.... home... anywhere but here. I hate it all.... im just like well Damn... why bother.. :(
   so yeah... nice morning.... and no visitors.. unless my sister comes later tonight.

--- My horoscope - eheh... i dont think i believe in them. ... but soemtimes, sometiems hey have a relevance


Your Daily Horoscope

Sagittarius, yours is the sign of new horizons. It's possible that the changes you've been going through lately aren't completely finished. You may even have a hard time keeping yourself from running away from it all. Your rebirth will only be complete after you clearly define your desires. Use today to think about what you want. Things aren't completely clear.