Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Letting my anger out.

My three snack was extremely hard today. I actually felt like puking. No, not like puking, more like full. Like i actually could not take another bite. But i forced it down. The staff who was eating with us she saw that something was wrong that i was finding it hard. But i was actually wondering if i should stand up and jsut leave. It would be my choice to not eat. Not that they can do anything about it. But i was too scared. I was scared of getting in trouble. Thats the only things that stopped me from getting up and walking away, not finishing my meal. I get veyr insecure when i get told off and if soemone tells me off, i instinctively hate them, i know i shouldn't, but its just the way i am. and i find it very hard ot get in trouble, because when i do i take it personally and cant stop thinking about it.
  Anyway, when i got home iw as pissed off, had a pain in my stomach major headache. So i just hopped in the shower and then.. then i jsut avoided my mum. like she tried to talk to me, find out what as wrong, but i ignored her. and then when it came ot dinner i was gonna make fish Pitt i pann. but mum said no, that it was her who was gonna cook. Anyway we started arguing. I stormed to my room. would have left the house if i hdnt been in my PJs.
  then when dinner was ready i refused to come, so mum came and talked to me and hten she was like, if you dont eat, i wont. then you can see what its like. or seomthing along the lines of that. but i was jsut like, fine dont eat. not like we actually need to eat. then you might have an understanding of what its like for me.
  anyway, then i came out, like an hour later. Mum had cooked mince (vegetarian) and potatoes. didnt want it, so put the Pitt i pann on for me. Then i sat down and ate. I knew mum was crying in the next room. But i jsut cant take it. I cant think abbout her, i cant deal with someone elses problems.Like i jsut want mine to end. Like i just finished a book about this girl who killed herself, and you know what... i want that. she was so upset and she felt her only option, way otu was to end it all and thats what i want. i want an easy way out, and im not scared of death. death is death, everyone dies sometime, why not choose when and how?
  Some might say im depressed, but really i amnt. Im still going about my day,still living when really, thats hte last thing i want.



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