Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Friday, October 22, 2010

A huge leap backwards.

***edit - im not going to kill myself. I like life to muchc, however shitty it is.***

I dont know what ahs gone wrong or why this has happend. But i am aking a HUGE lap backwards, the wrong way. Im now going ot have to live in the hotel for 2 weeks, on my own. But be up at Mando allday. Im basically an in patient, no, i am.im a HDV patient, its jsut that they hvae no beds there so i haev ot live in the hotel. which i suppose is better in all honesty,
   but im not one fo them. Like. im not. Im a day patient. I should ge to come home eveyrday, see my mum and my sister, no matter how much we fight i still like to see them, i liket o come home. Like im not gonne be ablt to go outside. See the snow.Im going o be cooped up inside.
  Like this is what i had expected and fine... what ever. I sppose i need the help. Apparently my weight has
started to drop.(wtf?) so maybe after the two weeks, if things go right i will hav gone up about 1kg, maybe more. then they might eb more likely to le me go to england, cus right now, theres no way. :(:(
   but my only problem is, having ot be with the in patients. Bitchy i know. But i feel that my time with them is over. and now im gonn have to deal with hte in patian staff aswwelll... i thought i was rid of them? And all that sitting? Urrghh.. no im gonna make it through these two weeks (starting monday) and im gonna gain weight, cus thats hte only way forward. and then get out of there and from then oni know that i'll do everything right at home, otherwise it will be HDv again. and that is NOT happening.
 
Im still upset over it and i dont think that will go away.But one things is bothering me, the like doctor type person was like apparently you havent eben doing things right, cheating. I was like WTF? ok once or twice i havent poured hte drink to the tip of the measruing cup, but what else? Like what else hs everybody been talking abou me, saying behind closed doors to each other? Most probably like, Oh, she doesnt fill the cup to the top, jsut half way. She scrapes food off her plate. she doesnt lick the plate clean. she does evyerhting wrong. Lock her up. Treat her liek shit. Thats whta she deserves.

AHHHHHHHHHHH            i will actualyl crack.

Then when we got home i took a showwer, marking my arms with lots of red scars. and tried to kill myself, nusuccessfully. i dont know how its done. but  guess thats a good thing.
  But ive come to the decisions that im going to kill myself. i find myself smiling when i think of it. OF all this to be over. and don call me selfish, tha im not thinking of others. I mean its my life and my life sucks so iw ant to end it. I would trade my life with someone with cancer, because atleats they want to live. I dont, so why should i? I should give my life ot seomone who wants it.
  Like i can eb the girl who sacrifices herself? so everyones else can see? so you can talk about me. That was the girl who killed herself. You cant b lik her. You have to fight. She gave up. But its alright. Im reayd ot die. I want to give up.
  I feel like by saying this its an attention seeking suicide im planning. But its not. Like i dont want anyone to know that im going o kill myself. Like im not gonna leave a note or anything. You know what... i most probably wont kill myself and then i'll read back on this and be like, on the22/10/10, thats hte day that things went backwards ad i got such suicidal thoughts that i was actualyl goen kill myself.

Ohh... and  i skipepd my 3 snack. I refused to eat it. and then when my mum took it out i threw the plate awya, making it break.and tehen for dinner i refusd to eat what she cooked - vegetarian  cocktail sausages and Gnocci. (This doesnt signale me getting better.)
  i made quron burger and my own gnocci. I know, this isnt good. But i suppose after hte two weeks, my weight will be up and then i'll do thigns right. But im gonna miss it. The freedom. The time between 3pm - 6pm is the worst. like even at home between maybe 4,30 - 5.45 is always so broing. so being at Mando is going ot be worse.... God help me. Seriously. I think i deserve help if anyone.

sorry for mmy writing, i hpoe you can make out what i've written, if anyone even reads this. Why would you? Im jsut a illy girl who writes about her shitty life and complains about all this, like why do you need even more problems? Or listen to me rant?


***edit - im not going to kill myself. I like life to muchc, however shitty it is.***

3 comments:

  1. I'm going to mando just like you. I've had the same thoughts as you have. I've refused to listen to the staff or do as my supervisor says. I had a way to low wight for a way to long time. That got me depressed and I tried to commit suicide more than once, but never succeeded. I had to be in hosptial to not die and they locked me in at a psychiatric clinic telling me that I suffered from a serious mental disturbance. I didn't see any light in life at all.
    I really wanted to die when I tried to kill my self, but then when you're lying there in the hospital bed with drip, wondering if your liver will make it to the other day you're not that sure anymore.
    Well, I continued to live but stopped eating again. That almost got me kicked out from mando, something I thought I'd liked, but when your supervisor actually tells you to leave the clinic for good you don't want that either. At least I didn't, 'cause even if I didn't thought I wanted to get better there still was this part of me that wanted to be happy. I gave life and the treatment one more try. Just one, and I promised my self to do my absolutly best. Follow my mealplan, do everything my supervisor tells me to do, stop compensate and try to ignore all the sick thoughts. I reached my goal weight within 3 months and today I feel so much better! I can't even relate to any suicidal thoughts at all these days.
    Before I really tried to get better I thought that I'd only gain weight and feel fatter than ever, but I don't. Sure, I don't like my life everyday and I have problems accepting my new body but I've realised that I rather go through life healthy with a normal weight and a smile on my face than being a sick, depressed and underweight girl. Like life isn't about that. You're thin now, but are you happy?
    I guess you're thinking "well, good for you. that won't happen to me", but you know what? I've had exactly the same thoughts. Don't trust them. They're not you ;)

    I hope you change your thoughts soon or I'll have to tell someone about your blog. Having read this gives me a responsibility. I can't go around knowing that there's a girl who says she wants to kill her self without telling anyone about it.
    I don't want to know that I could have prevented a suicide.

    Take care <3

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  2. Thank you for commenting.
    It really is amazing to me to hear recovery stories but it also makes me veyr jealous. Because oi want it so badly. But i want an easy option. I just want to get through this. I do want to get better. No matter how much i complain, ther is a part of me that is literally dying ot get better.
    And now, i do feel better. But i find with my emotions and like attacks of guilt or whatever it is, they are REALLY strong. Like thye really do take control over me. And its awful because at the time i cant think straight. I do want to kill myself.
    all day yesterday, i was smiling because i knew i'd kill myself. and there is still a bit inside of me that wants to throw myyself otu a window. But there is a lot bigger of a side that is now jsut accepted the fact that living in the hotel for two weeks is better than living my life this way, scared to jsut eat.
    So now im like 85% life. I'm just gonna get through this, not take the easy optino by killing myself.
    And it is veyr sweet that youre concenred, but i would prefer it if you didnt tell anyone. :/
    I have a feeling that my mum reads this and i know my sister reads hte blog. So im sure she'll tell my mum anyway.
    Im not so sur if i'll carry on writing. Its jsut that i dont know who reads it, and i do feel very much that i jsut write for the attention. If i were to actually kill myself, i would jsut do it, i wouldnt write it up as if i want everyone to know.

    I do wonder very much how you nearly got kicked out? That kind of amazes me! But i do think that it is great that yu gave it nother go!!

    XX

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  3. I know how you feel by wanting to kill yourself but still don't want to die. It's like you don't want to live anymore, but you don't want to be dead either.
    It's hard to get rid of an ED. I'm not there yet, but the ED is not controling my life in the same way as it did before. That's a release! I can actually do things that I want without worring about the food.

    I won't tell anyone about your blog right now though I don't think you'll kill yourself. As you say, if you really wantet to die with all your heart you would already be dead.

    I hate not knowing who's reading my blog at the same time as I don't really wanna know. The worst thing was when my supervisor found my blog. Luckly, she didn't read that much. She just checked that it wasn't a pro ana-blog.

    I nearly got kicked out after not following the treatment for 1,5 years. Then one day I came to mando and hadn't been eating for a couple of days. My supervisor told me to eat or to trow my meal in the garbage and leave the clinic. I left the clinic with the thoughts that nobody cared about me. Like she didn't even care that I hadn't been eating for days, but then I realised that I didn't deserved any more attention and I went back to the clinic. I got two options, neither staying in treatment and really do everything I could to get better or to leave the clinic for good. I got scared, thinking I would die if I left so I stayed. In fact, mando has the much coveted treatment against EDs in the whole world and I should be thankful for getting it for free. And besides, I realised that if I didn't go to mando I would end up somewhere else cause you're not allowed to starve your self to death here in Sweden. Sooner or later you'll have to start fighting or you'll be living at different hospitals your whole life. Why don't get rid of the shit today instead of tomorrow?
    So, I'm glad I stayed and that I got forced to really fight for a better life and I hope you'll do the same. You deserve to live a happy life and I promise you that you wont get a happy life when you have to share it with an ED. Those days I doubt if I'll be better of without anorexia I usually ask myself if I've ever seen a happy anorexic or if I've ever met a person who's regretting her recovery from the ED. The answers are no.

    Keep on fighting girl. You have a life to win! :) <3

    ReplyDelete