Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

weight loss

Am i the only one that likes that title? Apparently so. SO this week i think i stayed the same, or went down. Cant remember. And my mum found otu today. It took her ages to actually come out and sya it, but i knew something was on her mind. It was obvious. And she got allcross at me. Im not talking to her. I havent since....well all day.Apart fromt he fone calls but not since i came home.
   But i so badly want to lose weight, like... everythign is jsut.... i swear thigns are going bad. I was so pissed that i went into the bathrom, saw a nail scissors, and put it to my arm. Like i started to cut, but then i stpped myself and just burts into tears. I could so easily have carried on harming myself, i almost wish i did. [ so much for my previous post. I like to contradict myself it seems.] Then i decided to go for a walk, i couldnt stay in the house. I would seriously hamr myself.
  But as i was out walking, or strolling more, jsut getting fresh air. Mum called and said that i wasnt allowed to walk.  From her taking me on walks to ehr now saying that i wasnt allowed to walk. Something was up.
  I got home, ate my dinner on my won with music on, did the dishes with music on. Basically spent the evening listennig to Rock music until mum told me that she had found otu about my wieght loss.
  Continued to listen to music.
I jsut dont care anymore. I wish it would all end. Im tired of it all.
  And things are so bad, that i actually went onto a pro anorexia site? How fucked up is that? I know its wrong, but i was jsut like.... well you know, if i ahd a chance, i would stop eating again. Eating repels me, repulses me. Lie now when  i see somebody say eating a choclate bar, before i was grand with it ( Im talking like a couple of weeks back, not when i was healthy) but now im just like, "Hah, you're gonna get fat and die." and i know, its awful. But i cant help it... its like now my thoughts are actually taking over. And yeah... im eating, but now everything inside me is screaming against it, not like before... its a hundred times worse. Is this a good thing? I dont think so, it cant eb getting worse if im getting better?

2 comments:

  1. I've been there too. You eat, but you don't see any results, you're still feeling bad and want to lose weight. You know what? It's not worth it, cause you won't feel any better with the weightloss and you CAN'T compromiss with an ED. There's only one way and it is forward. You need to really tell yourself that you want to get healthy. It might be about the hardest you'll ever have to deal with and I know there's like one voice that want you to stop eating and lose weight and one voice that actually wants to live.
    I've tried to fight anorexia, but everytime I started to make progress I got scared and fell back down again. I thought that everything would be okay if I just could lose another 5 kg, but it never did.
    Now I've decided to get healthy and has followed my treatment for about two months. It was really hard in the beginning and still is sometimes, but it gets easier every day and I feel so much better now. I don't like my body, but I can accept it because there's so many other things in life that is worth so much more then avoiding everything you're scared of by not eating.

    Half a year ago, I was in hospital after trying to kill myself. I didn't see any light at all in my life. Today I wanna live. It's weird how things can change.

    I know who you are Isabelle and you seem to be a very sweet girl. Don't throw that away by spending your whole life in hospital, 'cause that's what will happen if you don't fight the devil. No one allows anyone to starve to death here in Sweden.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Who are you? I dont know anybody with anorexia, apart from in mando. ???
    And i mean, some days i want to live, some days i dont. But the days that i dont.... it jsut comes so suddenly just the smallest thing can tip me off. Like... say i didnt get to cook the dinner, i didnt like the food i ate, i felt guilty just something small.... but that can make a HUGE change in my mind set. One day i could be like... Hey Life is great. i really do want ot live, i want to get better and within the same hour, im bringing a scissors to my arm or looking for painkillers to OD because say... the fod i ate was really oily.
    Its so hard, because i cant control it, i've ben told by my mum, that i can. But i really cant, my mind is jsut taking over.
    THye might not le me starve to death (God, do iknow that)
    But that doesnt count out suicide, sometimes i jsut find that... if you're not enjoying life, why live it?

    ReplyDelete