Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

More down than up.

My mood seems to be veyr down lately. Just like my previous post said, i went and started to cut myself. Im like seriously depressed, this cant be healthy.
  I was in hte bathroom for like an hour and a half or seomthing and then i came out and mum was like, "i want to speak to you." about what, i wondered? she mkost probably knows that im cutting again, i wouldnt be surprised you cant hide anythign frm her. So i try not to. cus its better that i tell her than she finds out and stops trusting me, to late for that anyway i´ve already fucked it up.
   She said that she wanted to be with me when i poured the Calshake and sit with me while i drank it. At first i started crying and sayinjg no, she couldnt. Then i locked myself int he bathroom again. And it was awful. I just looked in the mirror, looked into my eyes. And it didnt look like ym eyes, they looked dark, haunted. Not like me. And i kept saying to myself, "you´re fat, ugly, you dont deserve to live. you should lose weight." and it was awful, and i was holding a knife at the time, (i know, theres seomthiugn wrong with me.) and then, i dont know i started pressing the knife against my chest, as if i was actually going to kill myself. I dont know what it was, but i coulndt stop myself. it was awful i had no control. Then after like an hour of hamring and awful thoughts, it started to fade away, and iw as like... "why am i makings ucha  fuss if mum sees me take the calshake? i take it anyway. why should it bother me, if i start complainjg saying htat she cant see, that obviously means that i dont take it." so then i jsut cleaned myself up went out and took my night snack, but mum was watching TV so she didnt watch anyway.
   Then afte a while mum came and hugged me and jsut said you know that it will be alright. and i felt so stupid because, in all honesty i had been. I am stupid and i know it.
  but also i had said soemthings to my sister, that i didnt care about my life that i dint care if i died., and when i said them i meant them. but its jsut that when i get feeligns like that i sya things that i mean att eh tiem but after those feeligns have faded i dont.
  Like while ni have those feelings, i shouldnt really eb alone, but i find, icant be with others. its easier ot e alone, but i seem to eb feeling like this alot more.
Im hoping things will go fine, yesterdayi made a little vow to myself while i was feeligns o shit, that i would do everything in my power to lseo weight. and thats how i felt. BUt now, im jsut like... its not worth it, so im sticking to my meal plan. as yesterday i thought abotu not following it. but that was jsut with the feelings i had came that round of wanting to lsoe weight.
  I feel like losing weight... all the time, its almost all i think about. ad its so hard when yuou relaise that you haev gained weight and still need to gain weight, thats the worst feeling.

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