Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

After a shaky start

Yesterday, i go tohme adn i dont know... wehn i saw my mum i jsut got pissed off with her. Like she jsuyt annoyed me. Then around dinenr tiem i went to the kitcehn to see what there was, but my mum was like, oh your sisters gonna cook tonight. I start to go into panic mode. She was gonna cook pasta with quorn meatballs. I started screaming, "i dont want pasta" and i really didnt. And i was jsut like crying (babyish and stupid i know.) and mum tried ot speak to me calmlly and said, " that the onyl reason i was behaving liek this was because it wasnt me cooking." and hse was right, i couldnt deny it, its because i couldnt cook. But it jsut feels that i cant control any other meal, here at Mando i get served the lunch, not knowing what it is and for my snacks, they´re alreayd planned, but for dinner, i can cook that, and choose what iwant. So it gives me a  bit of control.
   While my ´sister cooked me and mym mum went down to the Metro station to top up my Sl card, which is like a ticket thignw hich you pay for and hten oyu can go on anything, the bus,tram, metro, ETC. When we got back, or more when i got back, as i abondoned mum i made the salad and then we sat down, me and myu sister. And i jsut apologised for my behaviour, telling ehr that it was os hard all of this and then when mum got back i  apologised ot her too. So atleast i could do that anyway.
  After dinenr i did the washing up and then took a shower.
Then.... then i cant remeber what i did.  Read.... im now reading the last Harry Potter book!! Hoping to haev it finished before the film comes otu!
 Then mum said that she wanted to be with me while i made hte calshake and then be with me while i drank.
I was jsut like ok... to be honest i  dont want youa round, but i have drank it ebfore.... so no big deal.
 When it came to half eight, mum was watchign a program so i decided to make the calshake by myself, then isat down, and then when the commercial came on mum came into the kitchen. I dont think she fully trsuted em asi had made it myself, but  she sat with me for a bit while i drank but i jsut told her that it wasnt the first night i had taken the calshake.. so she didnt ahve to watch me. so after a while she went back to watching tv and i finisehd hte calshake while watching Vampires suck. Which i finished by the way.. a Ok film, some bits were funny.
  I dont know anymore, like i thought it was easier taking the calshake at home, but i really dont tink so. Well, i dont want ot take it anymore, but theres no way they´ll take it of my meal plan. Like... i dont know.. .school is tkaing soo much energy from me, like getting up in the morning is just,,.... ughhh. I fel it would eb easier to jstu coemt o Mando, or jstu school.
  But i find, i cant eb at home. i Just want to get away. Like soem tiems i feel that Mando would eb ebtter than being at home, because at home my sister gets on my nevres, my mum gets on my nerves, and wshe watches me like a hawk, which sure i understand, i havent showed or done anythign to show that i cant be trsuted,
  but at Mando, like evryone watches you, jsut waititng for you to fuck up. but soemhow, its a comfort being here. I hate evrything about it, the food, teh sitting, the people. But its almost a comfort and i aheva f eelignt hat thats a abed thing. But i jsut cant be at home. Like iw ould like to.... i dont know what... but its jstu alot harder at home than what it is here at Mando.

That was my day yesterday... nothign else really.

X

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