Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dont have to much to say.

Right now i dont have to much to say. went to school this morning, had assembly which turned out that us, the pupils got out our erasers adn cleaned the tables. It was like WTF? this is child cruelty!! Hah, then it was Biology. It went well.. but tiring, the hour seemd to go veyr slowly.
  Then my mum picked me up and we picked up her aunt and uncle, i think they were and went to Fika. There wanst a wide selection, a few biscuits, these cinnamon buns and some pies like apple, bluebery or raspbery. I saw that they had Biskriv these like choclate bisucit things with a like mouse filling thing. And they're usually quite small, so easy to eat. But the ones they had were HUGE, so i said, "no thanx!" and took a pear biskvi, which was smaller and kind of different from  the usual one.
  While iw as eating though my mums like, uncles wife, is that an aunt? she was like, these are sweet, which means lots of calories. I jsut looked up at mum, and she looked at me. I was like... dont fucking tell me that it has lots of calories, it was then alot harder to ^^^^From the last day,not today ^^^           eat. But i ate it.

                      Then it was back to school for the school photo, which went well, i think. then i took the tram and metro back home. So jsut after eating lunch - salmon pitti panna,salad, ketchup and because hte pitti pana didnt weigh enough, egg. But now i feel absaloutly sick. Like why do i eat egg? I jsut fel sick after i eat it. I dont knwo... its soemthign about egg, while i eat it, im ok but afterwards... god i feel so sick. Like lying down in bed and sleeping the painn off pain. When will i evr learn?Dont eat egg?
  So thats it for now... trying to concentrate on not fainting, fomr the pain in my stomach.

Thats about it for now... tomorrow im the whole day, or form 8am till 3pm at Mando and gonna take the Calshake there aswell.Not really looking forward to it. But theni haev the weekend, and i thinko n Sunday im gonna go get a  coffee with my friend,the one i had fmro when i was little,but things went a bit funny between us. It was hard to keep the friendship up when we lived in two diferent countries, but nowi want to try and rekindle the fire, not lose her friendship!! So hopefully that goes well.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Is this normal?

Well,normal...yah, i dont think im categorized as normal anymore.
  But the thing is that, well i want people to see me and be like, "God, shes anorexic."Its weird, its like i want people to think tha i dont eat. I dont know why,i think that if people think i dont eat or think im thin, than it means i am.
 like i care VERY much about what others think. Like if im walking down a street and i hear people laughing i instinctlivly think they're laughing abut me, adn i check if my zip is down, is my hair crazy, do i have something on my face?
 
 I know i shouldnt care, but i do.


Question time.

Just  wondering if anyone who reads this blog, as any questions for me? or if you're wondering anything. You can jsut comment and i'll get around to answering the questions!!

(I bet no one will ask anything, than this is a veyr sad blog.:(  )

Haha... ask away!#

Such a sick feeling.

God, its not even funny how sick i felt after my ten snack. It was awful, iwas sooo full after hte scandishake. Ugghh i hated it. i had to take a painkiller to ease the pain. The release come a good while after. :/
   And then for lunch, i had ot have it early. :/ firs i got suasage but it old my supervisor that i couldnt eat it and hse said that hse hadnt ordered that for me, and it turned out that it was another girl wtih the same name as me.
  SO instead i got like burger. :/ and there was supposed to be jam and this other like cream sauce with it, but my supervisor went and got it for me and she only gave me the cream sauce. Fuck her. Was how i felt.
  After  had eaten, god... i felt absaloutly sick. I swore iw as about to puke. I was actually wondering if i shoudl call mum and ask if i ahd to go to school or not.It was awful. But a little while after i got to school the feeling faded, but returned when it came to my three snack.
   We had a break during hte class, for twenty minutes. And i have no friends in my class, so i jsut stood there with music on and texted my sister adn another friend. Planning ot meet my friend and go Fika on Sunday, maybe. It will be nice, i havent seen her for ages and thigns haev been a bit rocky between us. Bt i always try to make an effort to keep in contact wiht my friends, i dont want to lose them.
  after school i called mum and asked if i could go to town as i didnt want to come home and just be home.
So i went into town for about half an hour, jsut wandered about ad a little look, then came home.
 So jsut after doing the dishes, which werent even mine. NOw i think i will try to find an outfit for tomorrow, the school photo. BUt im feeling that it will be a  hopeless case and will sjtu have to wait until my mum or sister get home.

For now, Ciao!!

X

Travel

I want to travel somewhere. Anywhere. Back to Ireland. I dont think i would be allowed. But it would be nice, to maybe jsut forget my Mando Meter, and forget my meal plan, eat as i want. go out to restaurants, go Fika. DO stuff, go se places.
I would really like that, but no one would trust me enough to forget the calshake, or dump the meal plan. i dont trust myself either, i haeva feling that if i didnt have a meal plan, i wouldnt eat. and its obviousyl shown that not taking the calshake has bad effects.
but ti would be nice, id veyr much like to go to Rome or France again. I went to Rome last year in May, with my sister my nanny and my dad. We went teh day after my dads birthday!! I miss him evry much, as with my nanny.
I had like the best tmie in Rome ever. I had jsut been in the peadiatrics unit for two weeks with Ivfs, and i wasnt sure if iw ould even be allowed to go as the doctors kept saying another week on Ivs, but after two weeks, and like two days before i was going to travel they said i could go.
So that was nice and i got to spend the day with ym dad on his birthday!! :)
When we were in Rome, we went to the Colosseum, Trevi fountain, and other fabulous places, Rome is absaloutly amazing!
And i enjoyed Itallian Ice-cream, teh best of hte best and itallian pizza, the very best! :) The original!
I had liek the best time ever, and my dad even took me and my siste shopping, where we got to buy a dress each! :)
This year in May i realized that it had ben ayear since we had been in Rome, and once again, i was in hospital. But in the irish mental hospital. Great. :(
This year, i was also in hospital for my sister 16th birthday, and my dads 50th birthday. BUt i was ölucky enought o come out for both of their partys. But for my dads, i went with the NG tube down my nose and a needle in ym hand, for my sisters, iwas bita more normal!! :)
Iwould really like to travel. Go somewhere nice, maybe me, my mum, my sister nad my dad. I miss my dada veyr much. I would like to go back to Ireland, see my dad, my baby girl (Daisy, my puppy dog) and all my friends"!!
Im felign veyr home sick and the moment. MIssing how it was in Ireland. Even though i complained like hell... i miss it. NOt exaclty my school, or where we lived, not even how iw as in ireland for the past months, puking,, self harming, not even having the energy to get out of bed int he morning, when i think over it, it really wasnt a life.
BUt i miss being able to sit down, watch my favourite program, Greys anatomy, Desperate housewivfes. Take my dog for a walk. Sit in my room with my laptop and loud music. Have my own spacfe. I miss that bit, not sitting up in my room puking.
Its really hard jsut pakcing up and leaving all those memories behind, the memories iwth ym friends, my family. Like i havent spent a whole day with my dog since April, or a whole day at home, in my room since April. Its really tough. Even though i complained like hell about my room, our hosue where we lived. I miss it evyr much. But i like that we liv in Sweden, i like sweden veyr much. But its jsut alot and it really seems to ahev hit me now... that this really is a permanent move and id ont mind it really.. its jsut that i miss the past aswell, its hard to take a step into the unknown future.

Down not up.

So iwas weighed this morning, God damn it. I was weighed on Monday, why be weighed again? BUt anyway,, my weight is down.
So now we´re planning that i´ll come to Mando for a whole day twice a week. On Mondays adn Wednesdays. Then go to school on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday in hte morning and come to Mando in the afternoon. and i take the Calshake when i come to Mando.
Because, ok i did take the Calshake, on seom nights, but when i poured the Calshake out, it wasnt the first time ia hd doen it. BUt i havent been completly dishonest i did take it, or take 3/4 of it anyway. So i tried, but tis jsut so much harder ta home.
So thats my plans to get my weight up.
Tomrrow is my school photo, so i think i´ll go to school in hte morning until 10am, then maybe me and mum go Fiak, as i ahevt o do that this week, and then i´ll come back for 12pm, and go ot the school photo, and then íll go home and haev lunch, or take it out. Taking it out might eb nice. And i dont have to come to Manod at all. and then on Friday i come to Mando for the whole day.
Right now im feeling incredibly sick... just after having my ten snack, and the whole Scandishake.. ugghhh... incredible headache, jsut afte taking a painkiller, hoping that this feelign will fade. ad also i ahve to have lunch early. :( The joys of eating.
Then its school. :/ Like in my previous post i said it would be good to take the Scandishake here at Mando and that it was easier here, but im jsut feeling uggghhh..... from all teh food.
God i fel sick. Its awful.
I gave my mum a call and explained about my weight loss, and seh seemed ok, of course hse wasnt happy but i think she knew perfectly well that taking the Scandishake at home jstu didnt work out and it hink it will be easier on ehr knowing that im actualyl getting it into me and hse doesnt have to worry or be the bitch parent.
Thats about it...

till laters me guys!

XXX

After a shaky start

Yesterday, i go tohme adn i dont know... wehn i saw my mum i jsut got pissed off with her. Like she jsuyt annoyed me. Then around dinenr tiem i went to the kitcehn to see what there was, but my mum was like, oh your sisters gonna cook tonight. I start to go into panic mode. She was gonna cook pasta with quorn meatballs. I started screaming, "i dont want pasta" and i really didnt. And i was jsut like crying (babyish and stupid i know.) and mum tried ot speak to me calmlly and said, " that the onyl reason i was behaving liek this was because it wasnt me cooking." and hse was right, i couldnt deny it, its because i couldnt cook. But it jsut feels that i cant control any other meal, here at Mando i get served the lunch, not knowing what it is and for my snacks, they´re alreayd planned, but for dinner, i can cook that, and choose what iwant. So it gives me a  bit of control.
   While my ´sister cooked me and mym mum went down to the Metro station to top up my Sl card, which is like a ticket thignw hich you pay for and hten oyu can go on anything, the bus,tram, metro, ETC. When we got back, or more when i got back, as i abondoned mum i made the salad and then we sat down, me and myu sister. And i jsut apologised for my behaviour, telling ehr that it was os hard all of this and then when mum got back i  apologised ot her too. So atleast i could do that anyway.
  After dinenr i did the washing up and then took a shower.
Then.... then i cant remeber what i did.  Read.... im now reading the last Harry Potter book!! Hoping to haev it finished before the film comes otu!
 Then mum said that she wanted to be with me while i made hte calshake and then be with me while i drank.
I was jsut like ok... to be honest i  dont want youa round, but i have drank it ebfore.... so no big deal.
 When it came to half eight, mum was watchign a program so i decided to make the calshake by myself, then isat down, and then when the commercial came on mum came into the kitchen. I dont think she fully trsuted em asi had made it myself, but  she sat with me for a bit while i drank but i jsut told her that it wasnt the first night i had taken the calshake.. so she didnt ahve to watch me. so after a while she went back to watching tv and i finisehd hte calshake while watching Vampires suck. Which i finished by the way.. a Ok film, some bits were funny.
  I dont know anymore, like i thought it was easier taking the calshake at home, but i really dont tink so. Well, i dont want ot take it anymore, but theres no way they´ll take it of my meal plan. Like... i dont know.. .school is tkaing soo much energy from me, like getting up in the morning is just,,.... ughhh. I fel it would eb easier to jstu coemt o Mando, or jstu school.
  But i find, i cant eb at home. i Just want to get away. Like soem tiems i feel that Mando would eb ebtter than being at home, because at home my sister gets on my nevres, my mum gets on my nerves, and wshe watches me like a hawk, which sure i understand, i havent showed or done anythign to show that i cant be trsuted,
  but at Mando, like evryone watches you, jsut waititng for you to fuck up. but soemhow, its a comfort being here. I hate evrything about it, the food, teh sitting, the people. But its almost a comfort and i aheva f eelignt hat thats a abed thing. But i jsut cant be at home. Like iw ould like to.... i dont know what... but its jstu alot harder at home than what it is here at Mando.

That was my day yesterday... nothign else really.

X

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

How does that make me feel?

Ok, so here at Mando were told, you know... you have to finish eating once you start. dont leave food on the plate. by that they dont mean licking the plate, eating EVERY morsel on the plate, but atleast finishing hte big bites, not leaving anything thats too big. if that makes any sense. and ive stuck to that, no matter how much im like, oh, well that half a pasta piece wont nmaek a difference, and in all honesty its not like ti will, its not like i´ll lose wieght if i dont eta it, but they really drive it into us that you will if you dont - Hah, laugh out loud!"
   But while your in HDV, you do haev to eat every morsel, and no matter how much i hated it, i did.
 But now today, for lunch it was Pitti Panna, which is like pieces of potato and pork chopped into small cubes in a cheese cream sauce,  and egg (but i told them that i couldnt eta the egg..ooops, that jsut meant more pitti panna, but i would haev puked if i had hte egg.) ewww.. pukiable food.
  But everyone who sat arund me, seemed to leave food ont he plate. Like on girl, she didnt even have the Mando Meter screen on the table, in ehr lap, so no one could see,. Like come on, we all have Mando Meters here. The only other time ive sen seomone do that was when they put like 50% vegetables and they didnt want anyone to see. Liek, ocme off it. We´re not stupid.
  and then another girl she had come far enought o not use hte Mando meter and hse didnt take much on her plate, btu she didnt even finish it.
   and then one girl, she dint even haev the full portion 350gram, she hadnt comef ar enough (because when you start they ease you into it, youstart with like 150 gram, then like 220 gram and then 280 or soemthign adn 350.) and you could see she was struggling, but half way throughs he started to taek the food off hte plate and put it onto another plate, and trhen at the end she jsut turned off hte Mando Meter and left food onthe plate.
  Like our supervisors will see if we dotn eat everythign we put ont he plate but still...
 It really affects me when things like that happen. Because then im just liuke, well if they can do it? why cant i? i dont want to sit here and eat. i hate it. it really makes me feel like shit when it happens.
  but i suppose they dont think how it affects others.

Stupid, i do veyr much feel like getting up and walking away from those girls... but sure, if i could i almost feel like i would do the same thing.

:(

That Tuesday feeling!

OK, so theres not Tuesday feeling, jsut a tired feeling. And the days seems to be going VERY slow. Got up at 6.50. and got ready. not evry interestting. Missed my train. :(
  But got ot school in time. Started talkign to one of the girls there. Shes really nice. her and a bunch of other girls. but the toher girls werent in my group. first we had an assembly thign adn then frecnh. French was good, btu at first it was os confusing because i knew the words, but when i said them i said them in english. so  ahd to translate form french to english to swedish, but after half an hour i was gettign ebtter at translating in my head.
  the class was an hour, but god did it feel like longer!!! :)
Then i got the tram and then the commuter. and now im here at Mando. Waiting for lunch. Tuhh... usual.
Actually today i was like, God, iwant to go otu for dinenr soem day. Go soemwhere nice, sit down with ym family, order a ncie meal and be able to sit and chat.
  Liek the nly place we go out to eat is Ikea. Hehe.-... that dont make me fel so good. BUt its alright, i know money is tight right now, so i try not to complain. But it would eb nice ot go out for dinner.
But i suppose we go out and Fika, so much and mum keeps haeving to buy food as it seems ot dissappear so wquickly. I feel bad about that, soemtimes im even like... well maybe i shouldnt eat as i eat so much anyway and it costs mum to keep havign to buy food.
  BUt maybe the not eating thing isnt jsut about the money sometimes, ok well all the tiem ifeel like i´ve eaten too much.

Now.,.. its 4 hours of boredom and eating and hten home time. Not sure what i´ll do at home. I want to finish Vampires Suck actaullly, thats soemthig for me to do!! :)

Tomorrow, its Mando 8am, and then school. i think  i ahev to have lunch early tomorrow actually. Urrghhh.... but its only English tomrrow, so thats good! Nothing to bad! :)

XxX

More down than up.

My mood seems to be veyr down lately. Just like my previous post said, i went and started to cut myself. Im like seriously depressed, this cant be healthy.
  I was in hte bathroom for like an hour and a half or seomthing and then i came out and mum was like, "i want to speak to you." about what, i wondered? she mkost probably knows that im cutting again, i wouldnt be surprised you cant hide anythign frm her. So i try not to. cus its better that i tell her than she finds out and stops trusting me, to late for that anyway i´ve already fucked it up.
   She said that she wanted to be with me when i poured the Calshake and sit with me while i drank it. At first i started crying and sayinjg no, she couldnt. Then i locked myself int he bathroom again. And it was awful. I just looked in the mirror, looked into my eyes. And it didnt look like ym eyes, they looked dark, haunted. Not like me. And i kept saying to myself, "you´re fat, ugly, you dont deserve to live. you should lose weight." and it was awful, and i was holding a knife at the time, (i know, theres seomthiugn wrong with me.) and then, i dont know i started pressing the knife against my chest, as if i was actually going to kill myself. I dont know what it was, but i coulndt stop myself. it was awful i had no control. Then after like an hour of hamring and awful thoughts, it started to fade away, and iw as like... "why am i makings ucha  fuss if mum sees me take the calshake? i take it anyway. why should it bother me, if i start complainjg saying htat she cant see, that obviously means that i dont take it." so then i jsut cleaned myself up went out and took my night snack, but mum was watching TV so she didnt watch anyway.
   Then afte a while mum came and hugged me and jsut said you know that it will be alright. and i felt so stupid because, in all honesty i had been. I am stupid and i know it.
  but also i had said soemthings to my sister, that i didnt care about my life that i dint care if i died., and when i said them i meant them. but its jsut that when i get feeligns like that i sya things that i mean att eh tiem but after those feeligns have faded i dont.
  Like while ni have those feelings, i shouldnt really eb alone, but i find, icant be with others. its easier ot e alone, but i seem to eb feeling like this alot more.
Im hoping things will go fine, yesterdayi made a little vow to myself while i was feeligns o shit, that i would do everything in my power to lseo weight. and thats how i felt. BUt now, im jsut like... its not worth it, so im sticking to my meal plan. as yesterday i thought abotu not following it. but that was jsut with the feelings i had came that round of wanting to lsoe weight.
  I feel like losing weight... all the time, its almost all i think about. ad its so hard when yuou relaise that you haev gained weight and still need to gain weight, thats the worst feeling.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Prediction

What i thought would ahppen; my weight is most probably going to be down and then mum will be like its cus she didnt take the calshake and no one wil ltrust me and my supervisor will get anry at my mum most probably, my mum will get angry at me, they'll both watch me like a hawk and everythign will jsut be crap, i'll feel like crap and most probably get suicidal thouhts.

What actually happend. My weight was fien as my superviso didnt mention anythign to me,so that means that my weight has gone up. Which i was glad, but then again not because once i knew that my weight ahd gone up, iwas like.... shit, no.
  But i told mum, like that she can trust me now because it was only yesterday that i poured it out, i would have lsot weight if i didnt take the calshake.
  But she didnt seem to be happy about it. she was jsut like"Well i dont trust you, im gonna watch you liek a hawk, because you cant eb trsuted." that jsut pissed me off. Now, im ignoring her. If anyting i WANT to lsoe weght now. I cant stand it that ive gone up. No scratch that,  i dont give  a fuck anymroe. i want everythign to end. Feel veyr much like self hamring, and thats exacty what im going to do. Actually i feel veyr much like killing myself, but read over my last post and im jsut like.. well, i can try to kill myself, but that dont mean it will work. So self harm it is.
  But i seriously fucking hate my mum, im not gaing the weight for me, i still want to lose weight. Its for her that imfucking doing it,to prove that imdoing things right and that i can be trusted. But now.... if i start going down in weight.... well thats her fault also.Once you stop trusting me, expect the worst.

I think this whole thign is a trust issue, because once someone stops trsuting me im back to wanting to lose wieght and self harm.

Its already that time?

School started at 9.30am this morning, what a relief!
  But ended up getting up at 7am instead of 8 as my sister was up ebfore me and woke me. But its a good thing, cus i had a clothes melt down. Cus i couldnt find anythign to wear and i swear.... i changed five tiems before i realised i was late and had to go.
    Mum said shed take me shopping after Mando, yes, thats what i want but i know that i wont find anything.. or i will but it will look awful on me.
  Anyway i tok teh tran, but it seemed to be veyr slow or it might eb the fact that i was late and ti doesnt help things when you miss the tram either. That jsut pissed me off and i ahd 8 minutes to wait.... not the best wehn you have like ten minutes to get to school.
  Anyway i got ot school just in time for assembly.
Then it was kind of confusing becayuse we were told we had break by one teacher and told tha twe didnt by another. So we jsut went to class and then the teacher realsied an hour later that we were right, we did have a break at 10am.
  So she gave us a fifteen minute one. But it was only our group that had the rbeak, and hte cafe was clsoed so i didnt know what to do abotu me eating my snack. Like i had been panicking all yesterday not knowinog what i would do.
  So... i went upstairs, to where our class was, put on music and sat there and ate my bar. It was veyr sad. But i didnt liek want to be seena dn i knew that i had to eat. Anyway, i stoood there with my bar.
 Then when we got our break, 12pm, i headed for hte tram, ahd to sprint for it. But i got there. I got to Mando for 1pm, great. :(
  I was weighed and then i ahd lunch. and now, quater to three, its snack time. I feel absaloutly sick. Dont want to eat again.

Urrgghhh.. i hate thie feeling.

VERY important note to self!

So yesterday... i dont know what it was... but i decidd i didnt want to take my calshake. Which i suppose i have felt every night but ihave just dealt with it, drank the calshake down before i could stop myself and then sat in the sitting room or something to stop myself puking, but last night, last night i decided to be clever, pour the drink down the bathroom sink, as mum was in hte kitchen.
  Yah... wehn you get caught it just doesnt seem like  good idea nymore.
My sister was like, what are you doing with a glass int he bathroom and after a while ia dmitted that i poured it out. Ok.... no one trusts me and i wont get t hat back. I thought by doing everything right people would trust me, apparently not.
  It seems that no one notices when yuo do evrything right, which is what i do. i follow my meal plan drink the calshake, no mater how much it hurts inside. But nobody notices, they're waiting for me to fuck up.
  And then they always catch you when you do fuck up, so that just proves there point, you cant trust us.
 But i just poured myself another calshake, sat down and drank it. Feeling even more stupid because all the other nights had gone so well,i think mum was ven starting to trust me, well not really,but somewhere believe that i was doing everything right.... but then i haev to go and fuck it up. Greaaatttt...

My life is jsut getting ebtter and better... my weight is most probably going to be down and then mum will be like its cus she didnt take the calshake and no one wil ltrust me and my supervisor will get anry at my mum most probably, my mum will get angry at me, they'll both watch me like a hawk and everythign will jsut be crap, i'll feel like crap and most probably get suicidal thouhts.
  God, its like i can see into the future.

x

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Tantrums

Just cus my sister is fucking tried shes taking it out on me. Cus today i was annoyed and i was like "Its most probably your fault why i have anorexia,because you used to call me an anorexic WAY before i even ahd it." Like when i was in primary school she'd call me an anorexic.
  And now she's geting allcross at me, saying that i shouldnt sya thigns like that, as i its her fault that i ahve anorexia.Well you never know, it could be. Like she doesnt even take it back tat she used to call me an anorexic,how does that make me feel?
  And shes alllike, "and she cant evern fucking sit down." so whatever, its not normal to sit allday. You're all like slobs,eating and siitting, and wehn youeat as much as ifucking do, then try to fucking sit allday.
  And now mums cross at me because i dont sit down. Well.. .whateevr its not normal to sit all day.

I think they should jsut min they're fucking business. You only burn like 50 more calories an hour by standing than sitting, but i dont stand to burn calories its just that my body hurts from sitting allday. Thats all i do in school and all i do in Mando. SO its not my fault if id ont want to sit down when i come home.

:(

What  a nice sunday evening right?

After the storm comes the sun.

I need to remind myself that when i get like i did before (with the suicide thoughts and self harming) that it will go away. Some times it take five mintues for it to pass, soemtimes it take a a whole day, but it will pass. ANd hat i need ot think rationally.

This might sound awful but this is what i need to think of when i get suicidal.

Hanging -
  You will instinctivly want to save yoursef once your hanging, the rope might break. You might hang there for up to a minute before you acualyl die and in that minute your not breathing and trying to save yourself.
  And if the rope breaks you might have ruined soem muscle or seomthign in your neck.

Shooting-
  First of al lwhere would i get a gun? aND second, jsut cus you shoot yourself doesnt mean you die.

Bleeding-
 Can take up to hours and once youstart, you cant go back and what if seomone walks in? How do you explain that without putting yourself ina mental institution?

Stab?
  Well first of all your survival instincts will stop youfrom stabbing yourself and your more likly to bleed before you die.

Od-
  Well your most likyl not going to die unless you take like 100 pills or seomthing. Wher would you get them? and then if you dont die, your Kidneys and Liver sure do!
Jumping off a bridge or buliding -
  Yah.. not interested int hat anyway!

So no suicide mission is a secure one. It doesnt mean you will die.

Im sorry this most probably will dsturb alot of you, but its mainly for me, because i need to be able to read this when im felling so shit i need to see that i can attempt to kill myself btu ti doesnt mena ti will work.... i read somethign like this before nd ir ealised, i can try but it wont mean it will work and all sound VERY painful if i dont die. And i dont think God wants em to die. He would ahve let the ED kill me if he wanted me gone.

I need to remind myself, that AFTER THE STORM, COMES THE SUN!  Just ride with the hurricane, because it will soon pass!






Set an example!!

I think im setting a vyer good example!! Ok... forget the not eating, self harming and sometimes suicidal thoughts... but i do ALL the cooking, washing the dishes, cleaning and basically slavery.. haha, i mean fecctching things, pouring drinks!! And i dont complain!! Its more witht he cooking, i need to do it.  Otherwise i panic and cant eat it... its safer if i cook and if i ccomplain my mum will cook and then i wont eat or end up having a panic attack (I seem to get alot of these) and washing hte dishes, mums always like, i'll do it but i do it anyway Because it gives me somethign to do and i can stand!
  And in all honesty it does bug me having to clean and fetch drinks and small thigns like that, but i dont say no. Sometimes yes, ut then i end up starting an arguement, and if i can i like to stay away from that.
  Like in all honesty i try not to argue, unless its abotu food, thats like the only thing i cna really argue about.

But i think i set an example for teenagers. Like when you hear people say that tennagers dont do anything, just lie in bed or watch tv all day... ok some do.. but not all!!

X

My weekend

Dont you all just want to know about it? Haha, guess not!
  So..... Thursday, got my haaircut, was a disaster, friday, got my hair coloured, liked my hair more.
  Then on saturday.... let me see... i have a memory of a goldfish!
On saturday it was the dentist. Knew things wouldnt go well. Its been years since i've gone,and i've thrown up, which mean LOTS of acid erosion.
  So i haev a hole in one of my teeth and htre others need to be plastered so that the holes dont get bigger. My life jsut gets better doesnt it? I had a bit of a melt down, started crying saying that i never got away from the hospital that my life jsut revolves around hte hospital and in all honesty it does and always will with my CF.
   Then we went to "fika" i took a chocolate biscuiv and i wanted a chia tea, but instead got milk flavoured with Chai, i panicked cus that wasnt what i ordered had a break down and didnt drink the tea. Heh, my mum wasnt impressed but i couldnt help it.
  

Then my mum and sister looked in soem shops and i was dragged along, buti felt EXTREMLY sick, no idea why. So i jsut listened to seom music while trying not to puke. Sorry, to much information.
Then me and my mum went to our beloved swedish Ikea!! Yes, and had lunch there. But i didnt have my Mando meter. Hmm.... did NOT like. I dont feel comfortable eating with out it.Its a comfort, i know that i eat exactly what imsupposed to, no more no less. Well... i'd love less! :
I took this honey fried fish with a risotti type vegatable thing!! :) It was alright. BUt i felt sick afterwards, again. I think it was becaue i didnt know how much i had eaten.Most probably more. Like before i sad thati would do anything to eat wihtout the Mando Meter, but now... not really. Ilike knowing that im not eating ore than i should.
Then mum looked at soem beds!! :) I wandered about, then we payed for some hangers, napkins, just small thignsw hich you always end up buying but dont really need. Theres something abotu Ikea that always makes you leave there with your purse hallf empty!! :)
 Then it was food shopping! :)
Then.... well then it was home time. So i cooked dinner...... which was something but as i have such bad memory i cant remember what it was!
Sunday, today. Me and my sister were going to go on this Harry Potter wandering in Gamla Stan!! (I love Harry Potter!! Hehe... im not ashamed!) We sat there for about 10 minutes and then realised that we thought we had gone wrong, so walked off to another place, where it could have been. But by then we would ahev been later anyway.
 So then we went to town, went to Espresso house, my sister bought a Chai Latte (Yum!Yum!Yum!!) and a Biscotti adn i ate my yoghurt with musli. :( I miss Tall cups of latte! :)
Then we went to a toy shop, trying to find a toy for our brother who turned 7 a couple of weeks back, but we were to lazy,scratch that, to busy to get him anything!1 Heehee!
Then after a failed attempt at finding him something we took teh train back.
As i was so bored i decided to bake something, Cinnamon buns!! Haha, that was a very faled attempt at it!! It makes me laugh how bad i am at baking. Why do i even bake? Im crap at it and i dont even want ot eat the finished outcome and most of hte time i take less than what your supposed to. So WTF?
I cooked dinner for my mum, my sister and myself. Prawns with coconut milk and curry (My own invention - Ok, not really. But i didnt have a recipe) and rice!! It turned out VERY nice, if i say so myself! My mum and ister where like, this is really good, what did you do.... My secret... no oil when you fry the prawns.... works a charm!! Hehe... not really!! :)

Now.... well now i ave nothing to do apart from update you guys about my weekend!!
And that i have done, so now its facebook time! :)

X

^^^Me horse riding, a while back! ^^^

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Worst day EVER!

Got up, started arguing with my mum. Went to school, meet my mum. Argued with her. Went to get my hair cut (as a hair model for Well, they were trying a new cutting style) didnt get a say in how  wanted my hair cut, hated it. Meet my mum, was pissed off about my hair (just hte cherry on top of the HUGE mountain of problems i already hvae.!) and was pissed off about my arguement wit my mum already. (She thinks im doing soemthign wrong, not following my meal plan or seomthing. So shes keeping a real close eye on me and beign a  complete bitch. I hate it that the one person who trusted that i was doing everything right, now doesnt.)i walked away from her, couldnt stand her, She followed me, we went home. She bought this horrible fish and mashed potatoes already cooked meal. I refuesed to eat it, but she forced me. Urrggghhh god i felt sick afterwards. After that i had liek the worst attack ever. I was int he shower and jsut crying, i ahted my life. I wanted to die. First, yes i know stupid, but i resorted to cutting myself, but ti wasnt enough, i wanted to end my life, so badly that iwas planning to overdose (I dont know what came over me. Itcame so suddenly) i check around for pain killers, because that is exactly what i wanted, somethign to kill the pain that i was in. But i only had six, and that wasnt enough to overdose. There was no point just takin six. :/ So i cried and cried and cried soem more. Ignoring everyone.
  Everything was going so slowly, but it might have been the fact that everythign got delayed, ihad lunch at three, my 3 snack at 5.30 and now my dinner at 7.30, so everythigns kinda late.
  Im feelinga bit better, still ntot alking to anyone and refuse tot talk. I dont want to. I want to keep ervythign to myself. Its too ahrd ot speak and no one understands me. Understadns that paint hat im in and how diffucult everythign is for me. But in all honesty, everything is going downhill. My thoughts are taking over. Like at this point, i may eat, but my mind has COMPLETE control. I actually want to throw up, cut myself, kill myself.
  I stil lcry each time i see my hair, i hate it. Tomorrow im gonna go back to Wella, and have it bleached. Im really scared what if that ruins my hair even more? Then im not leaving hte house, or wearing a hat permanently. I dont think that there'll be many pics of me frmo now on.

X

Life sucks permanently.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Sit down!

Well why dont you fuck off. Everyone is telling em to sit down. Well jsut stop. I've had enough,i dont want ot bloody sit down.I hate it. Its not onrmal to jsut sit all day... but thats apparently what everybody does. You're all slobs.. thats my opinion.

weight loss

Am i the only one that likes that title? Apparently so. SO this week i think i stayed the same, or went down. Cant remember. And my mum found otu today. It took her ages to actually come out and sya it, but i knew something was on her mind. It was obvious. And she got allcross at me. Im not talking to her. I havent since....well all day.Apart fromt he fone calls but not since i came home.
   But i so badly want to lose weight, like... everythign is jsut.... i swear thigns are going bad. I was so pissed that i went into the bathrom, saw a nail scissors, and put it to my arm. Like i started to cut, but then i stpped myself and just burts into tears. I could so easily have carried on harming myself, i almost wish i did. [ so much for my previous post. I like to contradict myself it seems.] Then i decided to go for a walk, i couldnt stay in the house. I would seriously hamr myself.
  But as i was out walking, or strolling more, jsut getting fresh air. Mum called and said that i wasnt allowed to walk.  From her taking me on walks to ehr now saying that i wasnt allowed to walk. Something was up.
  I got home, ate my dinner on my won with music on, did the dishes with music on. Basically spent the evening listennig to Rock music until mum told me that she had found otu about my wieght loss.
  Continued to listen to music.
I jsut dont care anymore. I wish it would all end. Im tired of it all.
  And things are so bad, that i actually went onto a pro anorexia site? How fucked up is that? I know its wrong, but i was jsut like.... well you know, if i ahd a chance, i would stop eating again. Eating repels me, repulses me. Lie now when  i see somebody say eating a choclate bar, before i was grand with it ( Im talking like a couple of weeks back, not when i was healthy) but now im just like, "Hah, you're gonna get fat and die." and i know, its awful. But i cant help it... its like now my thoughts are actually taking over. And yeah... im eating, but now everything inside me is screaming against it, not like before... its a hundred times worse. Is this a good thing? I dont think so, it cant eb getting worse if im getting better?

Everything is.. A-OK!

Haha!
  So everythign went ok today. After lunch i got on the train to go to school. but when i finally got to my station, i was 20 minutest oo early, so i called my mum, telling her that iwas early and that i had butterflies in my stomach! :)
  Wen i got ot the school i walked to the top, realised i had gone wrong and then went all the way down again to the teachers room.
  I then got showed to teh english room. The class went fine, easy!! Hah... and real chaotic!
 Basically the day went fine. I cant eb bothered to go through it, im too tired and i feel positvely sick. and i have a feeling that my mum wants to bring soemthing up with me. :/
  I hate when that happens, tis always something bad... liek shes found something out. I jsut want everythignt o be over. I want to stope ating ande nd my life. :( I hate it all.

First day of school!

And im ssssssssssooooooooooo nervous. I'm getting butterflys in my stomach jsut thinking about it!
  Im gonnahave my lunch at 11.30 (Aint looking forward to it) then i take the train to school!
The teacher there has prepared my year that im comign adn that im going in treatment so cant be there all the time. Sot hats out fo the way. The only class i ahev today is English, but its still weird. Like i dont think anyonew ill meet me, as ina  teacher and show me to the right room.

Arrrrgghh... i jsut want today to eb over. Its all to nervewrecking!

Got tot og now, if i get onto a computer i´ll write later!!

X

Smoke alarm!

First of all, for dinner, i decided on Quorn burgers and grilled potatoesw, as i was sick of just potatoes or mashed potatoes. so i put hte oven on, waited for it to heat up, and off goes the fire alarm! I go into panic modd, calling for my mum while trying to turn off the oven, cover my ears and look for hte smoke alarm. Finally i find hte smoke alarm and mum takes it out.
  Then its microwave time, as hte oven needs cleaning, its like smells of grease or soething, i think thats why it started smoking!
  Dinner went fine, it was jsut me and my sister. Then i decided to bake, a berry roll cake. But we didnt have measruing cups, like dl and tea spoon and tablespoon, so i jstu kind of guessed. I know i should improvise, but i had to.
  As the oven didnt work i had to put the mixture in the microwave.. hehe. But then after it was kind of a base thing, you had to put berries on, and then roll it, but the rollng didnt go very well.. infact i didnt even try!! Hehe, but i put the berries on and put it back in the microwave, then i let it cool down.
   Then for my evening snack i decided iw ould try a bit, so i cut myself a piece and put it in the microwave to heat it up. WHo knew that t only needed to be in for half a minute, not five. Hehe... so it started burning! I jsut grabebd the plate out of hte microwave, and threw it out the window, but as i opened the window all the thigns ont he windowsill fell into the sink. And ten the house reeked of smoke. My mum was not impressed. I suppose we have officially made otuselves at home, and most probably made soem enemie neighbours from everythign going on in our house.
  But i figure that i am banned frmot he kitchen now, i cant use a simple oven or microwave without putting the hosue on fire..  oOooopps...
  But hten itook a piece of my improvised ebrry cake, and it wasnt bad.A bit too much suger, but nothing unedible.
  Home made Chai tea and home baked cake, makes a nice evening snack... ok  forgett he cake... but the tea was nice!! :)
  That was my evening done, i then straightened my hair, as its myf irst day of school tomorrow. :)
 My mum did my eyebrows.... gota lok my best! :):)

Hope evrything goes well tomorrow!

XxX

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Scars

Here at Mando, theres this really emo girl. And sure i dont have a problem with that, but today, i saw her itching ehr arm, and it was covered in scars. Just criss crossed with them, they were new. And it wasnt anything that surprised me, she did seem really upset, like her make up looked as if it had run, like she'd been crying, or maybe thats the look she wanted? I cant eb fully sure.
  But afterwards i was like, "Shit. Those scars are gonna take along while to fade." Like i totally got why seh would cut hersefl, i've been there, but i was shocked to see someone else with scars. Mine are nearly gone now, but i can honestly say, that i dont think i've evr been happier that i have stopped. I cant deny soemtimes i think about it, sometimes i see a scissors, evena knife, and i dont see it as a knife or scissors, i see it to harm myself. And trust me, ive been very close to going down that road, but i didnt. And im ever so glad. Like people sya that tlaking helps, talk if you feel like that, but i dont. I cant and i dont want to. But thats fine,i  just have to try to plough through those emotions. Put on music, write. But if i write while having those feelings, it gets veyr dark, and alot about suicide or how shitty everything is and music, well you guessed it, Emo, evanescence. Really my mum doesnt want me listening to it, but in all honesty soemtimes its hte only music i want to listen to and the only thing that makes me feel better. Weird.
  But i feel sorry for that girl, i know thinga are shitty and tough.. i've defo been there, but now.. i need soemthing to live for. Cus so much of hte time, i dont. I dont have anythign to live for, i know this sounds awful, but not even my family can keep me wanting to live. Not my friends. But what works for me, what keeps me frmo actually killing myself when things get so tough, is my dog. I know i haev written it before, but it is honestly true, i cant leave her. That is why it is so goddamn hard not having her here by me, sometime si jsut want to hug her, (Im actually in tears now. I miss her so much) I havent spent a whole day with her since April. And she's my baby, i love her. and i missed her 2nd birthday. :(
   I really want her here, cus sometimes when things are rough, (and even though im doing a good job ehre at mando that isnt enough,i get tired of hospitals, of eating,of life.) i'm just like, Daisy(my dog) is the only thign keeping me here, and shes not with me, she most probably cant even remember me, why bother?
 Sometimes it comes suddenly, im just like, i dont want to live. jsut like that, because soemthing has annoyed me, pissed me off, not gone the way i thought it would. Just like that, and its awful trying to deal witht hat going on inside of me aswell as what is going on outside.
   But when i saw thats girls scars i did get a little bit shocked, (More fomr seeing the scars, than why she did it, i understand that bit) so now i can totally understand my sisters shock and my best friends (who i hadn ttold her, she found out from the blog. Oooppps, and i had to try to explain over Skype. [ Now i guess i should ahev told her in person.])
   I think im alright now... its not to often that i get suicidal thoughts. I have to find soemthing to live for, soemthing fun.

X



Up and down.

My weight -
  Cus im bored nad have nothing better to do,im going to give you a rough estimate of how much i haev weighed over the last while.
  So i think when i was healthy and in school i was about 50kg, thats my goal weight now.
Then... i dont know... we didnt have a weighing scales in the house.
  ut when i went into the irish hospital i was around 44kg.
  Then i went odwn a bit, and was put on NG feeding in the peadiatrics unit.
  Then after two weeks of NG feeding and when we were heading to sweden i was around 46kg
 Then when i was admitted to Mando hospital, three weeks later, i was 42kg. (Hehe, is it only me who like the fact that i went down 4kg in 3 weeks? I know my mum wouldnt be impressed. Annd if you're wondering how i know my weight, its because there was a weighing scales where i lived. I like the idea of knowing my weight... like... i think im ok if i know my weight... its better than not knowing and guessing the worst, thinkign im like 55kg now or something?)
  Now... well i have no idea what my weight is, but everythign has been going well, apart from soem weeks.. then i haev stayed the same or gone down. But im supposed to be going up 0.5kg a week.
  I think im around 45kg - 46kg now. Kinda scawey. :/

But its been 6 months since i was admitted in the irish hospital. April the 20th. But it was March the 17th, St Patriks day when i knew my mum knew, and it was the next day when i stayed home from shcool (after crying all night knowing that i was busted) that mum spoke to me and then after that i think i went weekly to see this doctor, psycologist type person and then on the 20th of April, i was admitted to in patient.
   Wow.... this years has been the worst, well apart from the year htta i was born, i had an operation when i was first born and spend a good half of a year in hospital. Or i think it was something like that.
  But once this is over... my years are gonna be looking up. I've spent half a year in hospitals, and liek i spend enough time sic and in hospitals with my CF as it is, no need to add extra appointments.
   Well thats my life for now... and a rough time sketch of my weight.... im seriously hoping that like... 45kg is my wieght, i know it sound stupid, but i think that is the wieght for me. Not 50kg, it jsut seems so much. But really my aim is to weigh 40kg. It jsut seems like a good weight. :/ Not 50.

X

Clothes melt down.

We all have these days some time, dont we?
  I seem to have them alot recently,i jsut dont find clothes interesting anymore, not that i ever really cared, but i liked to look good. Spend time... sometimes. But now....like i cant even go shopping, it drives me crazy i cant do it.
   So i set my alarm clock so that  i would have half an hour to get ready before i walked down to the bus,but i swear, i used 29 of those minutes tryingt o find soemthing to wear. Like it doesnt help that half of my clothes are dirty and need ot be washed.
  But also, i've worn the same jeans for hte last like 3 months, and i'm tired of them. But now of course isnt a good time to go on a shopping spree, not that i would actualyl buy anything, i dont seem to find anythign that looks good on me.
   After spending WAAAYYY too much time fussing over what i was going to wear i put on a pair of jeans and a black top, my typical wear. :(
   I didnt hhave much time for my hair or make up, just mascara and my hair i tied back into a bun. But while i waited for hte train i put on foundation and lipstick, but for my hair... couldnt do much with that.

I hate those days when you just cant find anythingt o wear and everything that you haev just looks awful. And hair melt downs, im jsut waiting for Friday when i think i get to  be a hair model, get my hair bleached and maybe cut. So im tryignt o hold myself together for that because i swear i will crack soon if soemthing isn't done about my hair.
   If i dont get to go... there ewill be a screaming fit involved... hehe! :)

Now... i neeed to find soemthign to entertain myself... any suggestions?

X

Monday, September 20, 2010

Walk it off

After dinner, everythign was so tense. I told mum that i was shit bored, and that ineeded soemthingt o do. Baking. I might not eat what i've cooked, but tis still sure as hell fun to bake it!! :)
   But we didnt haev the ingredients, and then mum ended up saying that she wouldnt let me do the cooking if i couldnt a simple thing as adding oil to salad (which she had done today and ihad gotten cross saying i wouldnt eat it, and i didnt) and adding things like butter or something. And then seh was like, you're not getting better if you cant do that, or something along hte lines of that. ANd i jsut burst into tears telling her that, sure im eating. BUt im only doing it to get oout of hospital... if i had hte chance, i'd definitely go bac to not eating, and yes... fine im not getting bette, but jsut making me eat is not helping my thoughts. If anythignt here worse than ever now. and soemdays i cant go through with it and im ust like, stop making em gain weight and actually help me doing soemthing with the thoughts that buzz around my head like bees, continuously stinging me, making me feel like shit.
  So nyway, i started crying adn i couldnt be in the hosue anymore. Me and my sister had already argued, so i grabbed my coat nad bag and pulle don my shoes and left.
   I jsut walked aorund the area, sticking on some god music, and i haev got ot say, i think Flyleaf are liek my fav band ever! Ok, they're like rock/emo, whatever but they make me feel so much better, they actally make me sing along, not like Glee or soemthing, where, ok it might make you happy... but not really.. find hte music you like whether its hard rock, screamo, jsut put it on when you need your modd lifting, but maybe not if its all, "I wna to die, kill me" sort of music, trust me, that doesnt help,.... i've been there and had that music on!
   Now im back, just had a shower and im gonna haev my night snack now, home made chai tea (Yum!) and my sisters home made coco balls... hehe! :)
   Until tomorrow!


School

So we've decided, school on wedensday afternoon. English!! Atleast its an easy class! :) The teacher there is going to tell the people in my class that im coming adn tell them that im in like treatment, so i wont be in all the time. Hmmm.... not sure howi feel about that, but she had to tell them something so i suppose! Thats out of the way anyway... :)
  Thats about it for now... just had dinner... now im going to do the dishes.... after i cooked hte meal... Lifes jsut unfair, aint it? No i dont really mind, i have nothign better to do!! Lol.... im that desperate!

  For now... or untul tomorroow i dont think i have anything else to say!!

XxX

The move.

So yesterday was hte big move!! Lol, everythign went fine. First me and my mum drove there with all our bags, a whoe car for and then we unpacked and then we went to colect my sister.  We had tea at my sisters before we left, there was bluebery pie, choclate pie and theses home made choclate ball things, made by my sister nad her friend and of course.. tea! I had jsut had lunch, pasta prawn salad, which we had bought in hte sho;p as we didnt have ny food in hte apartment, so i skipped on the "fika!"
   Then we packed my sister stuff in the car, and back to the apartment! :) Then i had my 3 snack, a couple fo those choclate balls... veyr nice, Kudos to ym sister! :)
   Then... it was time to unpack.. adn you could veyr clearly see who ahd hte least clothes.. me. It took me like half an hour to unpack.. then it was kind of sad as my mum and sister were still there unpacking.
   Then  got down to cooking our dinner... i think its good that i take care of it myself. Im showin responsibility and i makes mum trust me, or i hope so. But maybe cus she doesnt see me like take my snack or any of that she might mistrsut me, thinking, oh no body is watching her... seh's most probably doing wrong. But i do follow my meal plan. So im hoping that my mum trusts me with that.
   For dinner it was Quorn meatballs and mashed potatoes. Who knew you added milk and butter? I thought it was jsut either, or? aHWELL... now i know. :)
   Then me and mum went down to the bus station, to figure out which bus i took and at which time. But as it was a sunday nightt the bus only came evry half hour. But we got hte right bus and then finally found the pendeltag, which is like a train... kind of, not as fast.
   Then we went home and i took a shower, glad to have warm water :) Took a long half hour one i think!!
  Then it was time for beddy bye byes, and we had come to the arangement of me nad my sister will sleep in the same room, for aslong as it works and my mum in the other room. Me and my sister were talking for ages, couldnt fall asleeep :)
  But i know it wont be like that forever! :)

For now.... its my ten snack.. ugghhh....

XxX

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Moving!!

Todays the big day... we´re packjing up and mving to our (For now) apartment!! Very exviting, but im almnost to tired to care.I´ve moved place so much that its nothing new and i jstu want to settle down!
   QBut wow, i never noticed how many bags we actualyl had with us, cus my clothes actuallyl fit into a suit case, the ones i wear anyway.. i do haev a bag of clothes which i dont wear nad never will wear.
   I wont have internet there at the apartment, adn not sure when we get it, so for now... its good bye.
  But tomorrow im going to Mando, and there they´re will be internet, Thank God!! Cant goa  day without internet, im surprised i went six weeks in the irish hospital with no phone or internet, how i ever survived, i dont know!! :)

XxX

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Ikea

Today.. it took us a while to leave hte h9ouse...thanx mum. It was like 1pm beforewe left, we decided to gfo to Ikea for lunch as we needed to buy some stuff there anyway. BUt trust me, dont go there ona saturday when its raining. First of all, theres no parking, second you have to wait for half an hour in queue for food - i took a ceasaer sald, which of course didnt weigh that much so i had to steal my mums ppotatoes!! :)
  So it was like 1.45pm by the time we had lunch. Then we went around Ikea, and bought seom stuff like towels adn pillows, just the stuffwe needed. Then we went to Åhlens, a shop and mum bought me a foundation - Yay!! Thnksies!! :) Why you needed to know that... i ahve no idea.
  Then we went to my sisters and we had  a cup of tea then we drove to our apartment, well its not quite ours!
  We got the keys anyway, as we´re moving in tomorrow... still not sure howw e´re gonna sort out how we sleep as theres still only one double bed. BUt things will work out.. somehow. As im all willing ot sleep on a matress, in anotherr om while my sister wants her own room, but not to sleep on a mattress, and mum doesnt mind. She thinks it might eb best for me and my sister to share the double bed, but i know thats not gonna work. Sometimes we get on great.. when we haevnt seen each other for a week, but if we´re both tired, her from schoo, me from school and  hospital. We´ll get on each others nerves and arfue aso i know that ti wont work.
   I do think i should get the mattress and a room on ym own, cus in all honesty, i have hte toughets day... i think anyway!! :)
   But as everythign got kind of packed, i didnt have my three snack.. heeh (: I dont know what i´ll do bout it, nothing really! :) But its a nice feeling, but strangely affter the ceaser salad, ifelt really sick.
  And trying to eat dinenr wa s hard. Dinner was Tagletelli with prawns (Prawns are my fav.) But in the cook book, it said the G.D.A, bad idea. Apparentyl a portion was 1010 caloreis. And how much was a portion, 100 gram? 250 gram? I dont know... but i was freaking out.
   But i got around from haveing hte sauce, which i think was hte fattiest, i jsut took the prawn, as we had put a plate on the side aswell!! :) So that calmed my mind down a bit, because i was panicking so much, wondering what to od... i cant havea  dinner thats like 1000 calories.. ahah, no way!
  But tahts it for now... tomorrow we´re moving and i dont think i´ll have internet until on Monday,... so for now... gooodbye!!

XxX

Some people i cant be around!

Im not going to name names, incase they read this blog... (And i´ve been advised to not write things like this) but soem people i cant eba round. Because they dont eat. Like people seem worried when they eat aroudn me, checking if its alright. BUt you know whast im fine with that... but its the fact that when you dont eat... and i sit there haveeing my six meals a day feeling like shit. And like you dont eat. I dont expect the people around me rtto eat sizx times a day, jsut breakfast, lunch sand dinner... but some people cnat seem to do that.. adn they take veyr little when they do. And you know what... i cant be around them.. it triggers me, because then i think... well if you´re a normal person adn dont eat that much, wjhhhy cant i just follow your lead and not eat? Just eat say dinner and a small snack sometime during the day?
   But it triggers soemthing in me, and its not good.. mnost of the time i burst into tears because i cant handle the fact that i ahgve too eat so much and others dont adn they gte to tgo along with their lives.

Im hoping that if you know who you are... and read this that atleast you can make ane ffort around me.
  Because otherwise im gonna haev to avoid you, because you´re making things more diffucult than they already are, and things are pretty tough at the moment.

Inception!

 yesterdfay went fine.. nothing special happened. NO school on monday or tuesday, its a aplanning day, and then theres no point me going on wednesaday, because i can only go to the one class in the afternoon, english and i dont think theres a point. So on thursday i think i start! :)
  Then i met with the dietitain, and i got a list of snacks which i can get for school. :) They´re alright! :)
  That was about it at Mando. Ohhh.. and... im gonna take the scandishake, or calshake (Same thing, jsut different name) at home. All in the morning or evening!! Thank God! Now i dont need ot take it at Mando! Or im gonna trry it tis weekend, and then on Monday i´ll tell my supervisor whatr i thinik... but it works better that way i think!! :)
   Then.. on the way home, when i was wealking from the train to the hosue i heard an ambulance, my mind jumped to, "Omg, what if its at my house? What if soemthing had happened?" Then i laughed.. yah right... why would soemthing happen at ours?
  Then when i got to the door, i saw that i t was unlocked.. but noone was home. I got kind of worried. I called mum to see where she was.. no answer.. i tried a few more times, but the same no answer.. i even texted her. Then i called my sister and asked if she knew where mum was, she didnt. And after like another half hour we got worried. My siste came over cus we were gonna go to the cinema. We called a couple of mums friends to see if they had heard from her, nope!! NOw we got really worried, but figured it was jsut soekthign that she hadnt answered her mobile or that the power was gone.
 And what do you know.. when seh got back, seh jsut said that she hadnt answered her mobile and that she had been with her uncle. Hah.. thanx mum, we were shit worried!! :)
   Then after dinner we got ready to  go to the movies... Inception!! Finally! :)
  So that was all good, i bought sweets for my snack.. thinking it would go well... not really.
 I ate during the film, btu afterwards i felt so sick i just wanted to run for a mile, burn off all the calories... i really dont think sweets is a good idea for me now.. i jhsut cant eat that much without getting guilty thoughts... its the same with pasteries, im gonna avoid them now, i´ve shown i can eat them.. but now i dont want to. Its awfull... i hate them.
  The film was Excellent though!! Mmmm.. Leonardo DiCaprio!! :) Yum...
  I give the film 500/10!! :) Lol, it was great.. wanna see it agin! But it was 2 and a half hours.. i found it diffucult to sit through it. Half way through i wanted to get up annd stretch as all i had done was sit adn eat all dya. :/
  But it was a nice night out! :)

Today we´re jsut gonna go to iKEA, get a bed and that for our new apartemnt which we´re moving into tomorrow!! :) I think i´ll be the one sleeping on the matress, but thats alright!! :)
 
X

Thursday, September 16, 2010

First to start, last to finish!

Thats how i am wheni finish, imight be one of the first people to sit down with my tray but lmost alwys last... its kind of embarassing,like even the new girl (I think she caem staright into day patient) eats faster than me. But me.. itake such small bites an i've tried changing it, but im not comfortable with it. I like taking smallbites... jsut because everyone els ejust gobbles down their food.
  But yeah... it gets kind fo annoying as your the last one sitting there.

This morning even the staff who sat with usf or breakfast she ended up leaving and i was the only one stting there, and  i still had scandishake to drink, and there was a tap in the room... it took everything i had to notgo and pour out the drink.
   But theni felt even worse after i drank it realising that i had the chance to not drink it and i didnt use it. I guess i jsut have to pile on the pounds. :(
  Like for lunch, i was down int he hotel, cooking. Chicken Pasta. But it took so much to jsut wlak otu the door and not go to the unlocked bathroom and puke. Like yes, im partly ovr throwing up, but it doesnt meean that it doesnt come creeping up wheni have the chance to puke... which seems veyr often. And it takes so much mentally out of me to ignore that, sometimes i adit i cant and i do go and throw up, its really not easy to ignore it, but i really am trying and thats what counts.

So went to the Cf clinic, things went fine.But they want me to do  my nebuliser two times a day and my supervisor was liek cus i dont have time int he morning, she was like bring it in here and you can do it here. I basically wanted to shout at ehr to Fuck Off!! Like she also talks to me as if she knows god damn eveyrthing about cf, when all she knows is what she got off hte internet which mostly is bullshit. Like they only talk about the people with really bad CF, and my cf, is undercontrol. Its good. So i think im fine with jsut doing my nebuliser once a day. My chest is clear. Like fine add te scandishake and make me take things i dont and all that, but dont come butting into my Cf, because you aev no frigging idea.
   They then took blood, hmmm.... didnt expect that, but it didnt exactly hurt. So thats good.

Thats about eveyrthing up to date right now... oh, i did go and "fika" after the cf clinic with mum. Took a cookie... i do admit it was most probably smaller that i was allowed,but hey! So what? :)

X

A little bit of Glee!

So as i felt so shitty about my nightmare, i decided that when i took the train adn bus to Mando, instead of ym rock/emo music (Evanescence, Kill Hannah, Within Temptation) I would go for soemthign a bi more cheery... that option came as Glee!! Yes... not my ususal taste in music, but it made me feelbetter and even mentally sing along!! Haha!  I also listened to Ellie Goulding and Yeah Yeah Yeahs... all veyr cheery music!! It was good for a change!! :)

X

Beautiful nightmare! - Hah!

Last night i was seriously restless, couldnt sleep. For the first part of the night, i kept waking up, thinking, "OMG, 3 snack. WHat should i take? An apple? Follow ym meal plan? SHould i throw up?" It was really annoying, because i swear it felt like evry five minutes i was awake wondering what i should eat for ym 3 o clock snack. I think that was because yesterday i told mum that you know once you've reached your goal weight then you have to keep that weight for four months ebfore you can be dishcharged and within that four months you ahve to keep the weight on yourself, without a meal plan. SO you eat when your hungry and you tke what you want. And i ssai that i wanted to do that, to not follow a meal plan. BUt i know in all honesty, i wouldnt eat then. Or i'd take a furit or a caoffee for a snack... so right now i know it wouldnt work.
  SO i think that was why i dream that bit.
 But then iwoke up and went ot the bathroom, and when i fell asleep again, my dream was even worse.

It was that i was sitting in this room with my supervisor and she had written out a contract and told me thati had to sign it. I read it and it said, I can give you whatever food i like and you have to eat it
                                             You have to drink whatever i give you.
 And there were two more points but i cant remember themnow, i hadnt signed it yet but she put this drink on the table and on the paper(contract) it said that the drink was like frenchsalad dressing adn extra virgin oil and it was like 4,000,000,000 calories. I was jsut like,no, im not signing that. You cant make me. But she was like you need to put on weight, we're going to the cf clinic. And i started crying saying i wouldnt sign the contract or drink that and thenshe went out and showed it to my mum and my ant and they were like, "Oh you shoudl drink that."
  It was absaloutly awful. I hated it!
  So wheniwoke up i was even less inclind to come here to the hospital.

Hmmm... not nice

Fish curry in cocnut milk!

Yesterday mum decided that we should cook the recipe from the hotel, "Fish curry in cocnut milk" At firt iw as relcutant... i know that t hat dish most prob has more calories and fat then a normal dish... or so i think, i could be wrong.
  But anyway... it was me who cooked the dish.. using less oil then what was said.. but thats alright! :P
  It turned otu nice anyway... my sister came over for dinner... yah that was about it relly! Just thought i'd inform you! :P

Alrighty-o! :)

XxX

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

3 good things a day

Ok so today i went to this forum/meeting thing down at the hotel.
  They´ve started up these meeting where us patients will discuss things like, the impact with media, self esteem, confidence, how we look upon ourselves. Topics like thaty. So today it was self esteem.
  Do i really have self esteem issues? Nah.. i didnt think i did, but nowi  kind think i do.
  So we talked about how like... this could haev hapopened maybe ebcause we wanted attention? Or because we wanted to be good... we didnt feel we were good at anything, thats definitely howi  feel now.
  But someting triggered inside me while i sat there, and i thought.. or remembered how back when i did a test and say i got 90% and thats really good for always being out sick with CF, and i´d show my mum and she´s smile adn eb like.. thats good, but you could have got 100%, sometimes she meant it, soemtimes she just said it encouringly, like next time you´ll get it. (Im portraing my mum as some evil bitch, but she really sint) But i´d take it  so personally, i´d cry and tell ehr that she never realises when i do good, its always to be better, not good enough. And that could bother me for ages, adn then when it came to my enxt test i´d be soo worried wondering if i´d do abdly and it got to sometimes i didnt ttell my mum unless i got 100%, always having to be the best.
   But liek my sister, if mum said to ehr she could have done better, she was jsut like, i did my ebst, thats all ican do. Unlike me.
  And i find even know.. nobody notices when i do well.. its always be better.
  So yeahl.... and then what we have to do for this week is write three good things about ourselves each day, or atleast three. Im just like WAAT? No way. I got nothing nice about myself ot write. bUt trust me, i could fill ten A4 pages about the crappy and abd thigns about me... easy.. but good thigns... thats a bit more tricky.
  Im not sos ure if id do it or not.

Apart from taht.. jsut a normal day. My supervisor doesnt haev much ytime for me as she has a new patient, but thats all good, i dont mind!! :)
 Tomorrow is the CF clinic though...uggghh.. leave me alone. :( I hate it.

Thats it...

Laters

X

What?

For some reason, my trackies seem alot looser than normal. It's weird. I did  lose weight over the weeknd,but surely on a little, and that was becase i idnt take the scandishkae... damn them. But its not like i lost that much, adn why should my trackies feel looser? Its all veyr confusing.
   I dont know what is wrong.... but im getting such a pain in my stomahc, like its so hard to eat. I do feel very much like thoring up after eveyr meal, which hasnt happened before, like sure i got a pain in ym stomach, but not so bad that i actually want to throw up.
  Its making everything more diffucult.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Let go

So i´ve been told; I can never get better and be fully healthy, if i dont let go. Let go of what i usually ask? What is there to let go?
  BUt in all honesty, i know what tehy´re on about... partly that is. Because.. i can atleast understand that all im doing is eating... apparently that has a big part in gettting better.. ffrankly i dont think so. If we could jsut talk it through, then i could ahev stayed the way i was? :) No.
  BGut like...ok, im eating, following my meal plan. Going ot the hospital. But i still feel absaloutly sick after eating soemthing like a pastery, i will try to eat less if i can, ill try to not eat if i get a chance. I even started throwing up.
  I avoid foods like bread, cheese as much as is possible, even though its on my meal plan, i´ve had it once to show i can, but thats enough for me., Not again.
   So i really amnt tletting go. BUt letting go of what i dont understand. Like... its not a different person, its nto like im holding on. Like i weant to sdtart school.. ok well not really, i would still prefer to skip that part but im not alklowed to. So its defintely not like im holding on.
  But it jsut feels...like im comforted.,.. i like the fact of... i dont actaully knwo what it is. Maygbe its when im being screamed at in my min that im fat, need to stop eating, need to lsoe weoght. I dont know if its that thats comforting, or still feeling sick at seeing some types of foods or stuff liek that... but its soemthing about all of this (not the hospital or getting better) but about this that is comforting, doesnt want to make me get better. Its like they say... i doint want to let go i like hvaing whatever this is around.

I know like none of that makes any sense, but it does to me and its so hard ot word any of this.

Like wtf?

Im sorry, im tired and in a bad mood. Dont feel well at all.
   But seriously, i´ve had about five people ask me," So do you get food there?" Like seriously people? Where the fuck do you thin i go? All i do there is eat. If they think im going to schoo, fair enough... maybe i dont get fed there. You never know... but i think they do know that im going to hoispital.
  I dont know.. but im jus tlike "Come on." people stop asking me this!

X

Quiet day

Seriously didnt want to come to Mando today. I think im coming down with a cold. Headches cand sore throat galore! Not fun. :(
  But got up,was in a seriously grumpy mood. Then the bus that i took stopped alot further than i thought, so i ahd to walk further, not tha i ad a prooblem witht hat in all honesty, just that i was late!! But ah well! :)
   When it came ot my ten snack though, i felt absaloutly, positvely sick. I actually felt like thorwing up, good thignt he bathrooms were lock or i seriously would have!! :)
   Then after my ten snack, i t was cooking. So i went own with the others for that. It was cheese and turkey pie. Hmm.... didi not like that. ALOT of butter, cheese, milk.
   I didnt liek it one bit. Feel sick from it. My three snack is in a abit. Like tne minutes... urrggghh... so tired of eating.
  People should try it.. eat as much as we do... and see how horrible we feel and then see if they want ot force us to eat. :( Well... in all honesty its not forcing, its more like we're given it and told to eat, but none of us refuse it.. or not that i've seen, im sure poepl do.
   Like on my first morning with my meal plan sorted here at mando, i had my cereal, but then when it came to eting my fruit, a pear i refused. i WAS SO full. But they jsut said to me, "You know.... its up to you if you're ognna eta it or not." aND i was jsut like, no. But then i relaised a few minutes after that... do i want to go back to how i was in the irish hosptal? I promised my mum that i would try better here. So  i ate the pear.. and im so glad thta i  did. Because that was me turning the page. Starting a new. Actually trying!
   Err... that about it for now.

My supervisor doesnt have much time for me, thak God. she has a new patient... so thats allgood.

  I should start school onf riday, or next week. Serioulsy nervous, i say things go well though! And on sunday... we're moving to our own apartment. ME,my mum and my sister ina  one bedroom apartment! Wonder how thigns will work out!! :)

Got to go... food..... try to think positivly.... failing emancially!

X

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sudenly seriously tired.

I jsut got out of hte warm room, wher ei go to rest after my main meals, and for some reason im seriously tired.I jsut want to curlupon a bed nad sleep, whichis weird because im usualy soo pepped,ok well not realy, but i never want to sit down and no wya lie down, so when i do feel that i want a nap or soemthing, its weird. Like when i  stayed home and if eel asleep for like an hour, that was weird.
   Im just gonna try to pass the time here and then maybe when i go home i might cudle down, i doubht it veyr much as when i get home i try to stand as much as is possible because i sit down all day.
  Today.. nothinge xciting happened. I talked to my supervisor about school and we sorted otu soem days, either i start tomorrow or on tursday, because on wednesday it would only be english in the afternoon which i go ot, and firstly, i dont want to go in the afternooon and secondly i dont think i need to improve my english, for now anyway i can skip on it.
  So thats pretty much it. I went down a bit, but thats not stopping em fromg oing down, its because my superviosr knows that its cus i didnt have hte scandishake.
  Err.. yah... thats about it. I think also why i mso tired is because its all grey and wet outsde. And that type of weather ususally makes me sleepy!! :)
  Hopefully i dont fall asleepon the bus or train ont he way back!!

XxX

Photo shoot!!

So yesterday me and my sister did a little photoshoot!!
  Here are soem of the photos!;




Sunday, September 12, 2010

Lets get a move on!!

Today was also a slow start, didnt have anythign planned and hadnt really thought about what i would do, so when mum said that she was going berry picking in hte forest and my sister was going to study back at our friends house, wher she is staying i was kind of stumped for what to do.
   I decided to haev lunch first, before i planned anything.. not that i exactly wanted to. But then i decided that i´d haeva  wonder around town for a couple of hours, it was better than staying indoors all day.
  So i headed into town, and i had been there for about 45 minutes when my sister rang and said that she was bored and wondered if i could come over. Glöady i said,d iwasnt having much fun in town. But i got a raspberry smoothis before i left town for my snack as i didnt knbow if wher my sister is staying thy would ahev the right stuff for my snack. i had it at about 2.15, so i felt absaloutly sick, its so hard ot eat ebfore the time im supposed to.
  Then when i got to my sisters she was stil lwriting some esays for her homework, so i jsut kind of hung around.
  Then when she was done, we took some photos, which i will upload later!! :)
  Then my mum came back form blueberry pickjing, with about ten blueberries bp0icked, she had gone iwth ehr sister but apparently she wawnswt so much into the bluebrry picking she more wanted to walk, so thay had walked 6km, in stead. Wow!!
  We were asked ot stay for dinner by my mums friend, the woman my sister is staying wiht, but i didnt have my mando meter with me, and i dont fel comfortable eating wihthout it, weird.'
  We were gonna take the train back, but my mum wanted to walk, so we did. But it jsut so happened that she wasnt fuölly sure of the way back, so we got lost before we found our way back. So was VERY tired when i got back.
  Then for dinner my mums friend, lets call her, clare had decided to cook lasagne. Uh, oh! I was just likie..no im not eating that, and decided to do pitti panna, which is like potatoes and meat which has been cut into small cubes. But mum was like, "arent you jsut supposed ot eat what is  being cooked instead of doing your own thing if you dont liek the food?" I got really cross at her, i couldnt eat lasagne, i wasnt reayd for it. WSo i plated up the pitti panna ready to put in the microwave when i saw that Clare didnt really put that much cheese on top of hte lasagne, the thingw hich i seemed to be scared of. And she had used these lasagne sheets instead of hte cheese ones and it was quorn, instead of mince and there was vegetables mixed in it, so it weas a health yoption. After ALOT of though, too much really i decided ot haev the lasagne instead.
  Just after eating it, and i feel VERY sick, I haeva  stomahc ache. And its not fading. :(

I dont want to go into the hospital tomorrow,  i feel like tomorrow is goingt o be an annoying day. Just, overall. Like immgonna look at my school plan, plan out how we´re gonna do things, maybe get a new option for my school snack. If i even eat it there, i might not. But then also.. i have to tell my supervisor that i didijnt have any scandishakes this weekend, not looking forward to that. :( She´s not going to be impresed and then also, i think i have my second scandishake at three o clock because she wouldnt listen to me when i said that i didnt want to change it. :( Ugh.. i ahte her, i really do.
   So i thinkt hat tomorroiw will be a shitty day.

Thats it for now!!
X