Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Take a sweet, pop it in my mouth - Swallow it? Chew it? - Nope - Spit it out!

My life.


Drugs & Alcohol

I can definitely see myself entering into that sort of stuff. I have aways though that its so horrible, why would anyone?
  BUt iahev so much pain, i would try anythignt o get rid of it. Self harm - Already done and serisouly concidering staring again.
  Throwin up - Could definitely see myself starting again. But more to lsoe weight than tog et rid of pain
 Smoking - I dont think i would start, that would jstu reduce my life span even more, as its so bad for people with CF to smoke. But that might eb the very reason that i start,, to rebel. Becaus eiahte everythign about CF, i hate having it.
 Alcohol - I've had champagne and bits of red wine before, but nothign more. i hate alcoholics adn always said that i'l nevre drink. BUt aybe jstu gettin drunk and forgetting everything might not eb such a bad idea.
  Drugs - Well all my vitamins and medicines which  i ahevt to take for my CF is basicaly drugs. So maybe i can say that im already on them
  Stealing - I might end up, because i dont give a fuck if i get caught or not?

I knowt he above might shock you. But to be honest i dont care. Im in so much fucking pain. I jsut want to get rid of it.  Im jsut a screwed up kid who couldnt give a fuck about anything or anyone.

When i come crying, i want to be heard.

:( - Thats all i can really say.
  I went tot he dietitian, or not willingly anyway. It was about the last thing i wanted to do today. So i went in there and they practically forced me to say that i would take an energy drink.
  Fuc them never. Its not gonna work. I jsut burst into tears, my meal plan is awfu; enough as it is. Its like 3,800 calories or soemthing. I have ALOT more than anyone else, jsut ebacuse fo my fucking CF, just cus the CF doctors want me to eat mroe. Well tehy fucking try eating as much as i do, then they can start adding more. So now i have to take a Scandishake. Which I HATE. Like as ir efused to agree to add mroe food or take an energy drink it was my supervisor and hte dietitain who agreed on the scandishake. But now i know that i will balloon up. And it will be awful.
  I hate them. I just burst into tears adn ran down to the hotel and jsut locked myself int he bathroom. WHile i was in the abthroom i was so upshaken that i wanted to end my life, badly. I even tried holding my breath for as long as i could. And i was at fainting point before i started to breath again. But i serisouly didnt care about dying, i dont relaly. IM jsut unhappy. Whta the point of living an unhappy life? You just die soemtime, why prolong it? 
Like my family can get oer it if i die. It was them who put me int his hellhole. And i've had enough of CF. I hate it, and i know that im not hte only one with it and im definitely not the only with anorexia, ro even wiht both. But it sure as hell is enough to haev one of them without havign to deal with both. Like why was i given the shitty end of te stick? What the hell have i doen wrong?
  But while i was trying to end my life. I was like, im not gonna eat. I hate  everything about eating. IM not going to. I dont give a shit about gettng ebtter, i jsut dont want to eat. I dont know. Will i just stop eating? I haev no idea. I dont care anymore. I couldnt give mroe fo a fuck. Things will most probably jsut fuck up now. Bu it will because of the energy drinks. Trust me on that. In the irish hospital i didnt take them, while i had NG (Which is an nergy drink, but tis them basically forcing it into you, as it goes straight to the stomach) i dint at anything. Now, now i haev the feeling that i  migt not eaet. I dont knoww hat will ahppen next. Bt i know one thign for sure is that i will be fat.

I haev to go see my supervisor. IS she fucking kidding me? Shes the last person i want to see. Ughhh she and everyone else can FUCK OFF.

Scandishake -

Exercise or Vanity?

Thats a very hard question to answer. So here at the clinc, theres no mirrors!! Thats very  tough!! But its so we wont like mirror ourselves, or something like that. Where we stand infront of hte mirror and criticize ourselves, but theres 2 mirros in the lift!! Yay! And you have about five seconds in the lift. And within that five seconds i stand there and jsut get absorbed into the mirror Critisizing my body, hating it.
  So why do they even obther having the mirror there? Well.. thats to keep you from using the stairs. Cus theres stairs there, and if you're on your own, nobody around, we're VERY (or i am anyway) likly to use the steps. BUt then its like, but i dont know what i look like? I want to see myself. so sometimes its 50/50, i jsut take the stiars but most of the time i take thelift because i want to see myself.
  So they're very clever putting the mirror there. But it hink, they also have cameras in hte mirror, liek they're doing research, how often do the people look in the mirror?

But tis seriously hard ot answer... vanity or exercise?

Monday, August 30, 2010



dont know where its heading

I dont know where my mood is heading. Like yesterday was kind of weird. I had some serious suicide thoughts. I think it was because the dinner, how i had had hte break dwon. Like i was just standing there and suddenly i was thinking "I dont want to be here anymore. Im not happy. Whats the point? I might aswell die.Im gonna die anyway and if imnot happy while living what the point?"
  I was also about to self harm. I had a razor, i could have. But then do you knoww hat brought me back? The fact that theres no point - Nope - I dont give a fuck if soemone sees that i've self harmed, i dont care that im not allowd and that i haev stopped. What stopped me was - my dog.-  I thought about my dog, Daisy. I jsut though, I love her, i cant do this to her. Im in  a whole different country because of what? Becase im a vain selfish bitch who couldnt care about anyone else apart from herself. Tats why she had to uproot her family so i could be in hospital and jsut want to end my life. And i jsut miss Daisy soooooooooo much. So instead of self harming, i jstu burst into tears and sat there on the abthroom floor and cried.
  So much for my talking. I really dont.but its hard to open up. I dont want to talk, im not freely gonna go and jsut go to mum, "Im feeling suicidal." im not like that.
  And recently i've had more thouhgts like, i've had enough i cant do this anymore. i cant be in hospital anymore. I cant eat anymore. Im fat, ugly, not worth living.
  So my moods seem to be gettin darker, but im gaining weight - Ok, well technically i haevnt for hte last two weeks. But surely that cant affect me? Im HUGE? Ima  fien weight, im not too low.


^^^ My crazy dog - Daisy! ^^^


Just one day

What i really wish is; To just have one day, one day where i dont have to worry about all this. One day where i can be told, you know what, today you dont have to eat. I would very much appreciate that. Its liek when my CF jsut gets too much to deal with, i get a day or two where i can jstu forget my tablets, my inhalers, feel normal.    
  I wish that for just one day, i didnt have to eat. It would feel nice. I would love it. But i know that that one day [ if i was ever even allowed it] would turn into two days, then three and soon a week and hten a motnh [of course with occasional nibbles, couldnt completly NOT eat]           
It would be nice though. I still wish that idditn have to eat. I would liek to jstu dissapear. Not eat for a while!


Today.. well i got over my irratation this morning. And just got on with it.
  For lunch, things went fine. We cooked this fish curry with rice. The onyl thing was the oil, and of course salt. But it was nothing like butter or cream, quite alot of oil though. BUt it went alright, but while i was cutting hte onion my eyes stared to tear, and then icouldnt like see anything!! Haha, kind of emarrasing. SO again on wednesday theres cooking.
  Then later my superviso wanteddto speak to me and mum. Was worried about that all day, what could it be that she wants my mum there aswell? I camt ot he conclucion that it was either, i had lost weight or school.
  It was hte first. So for two weeks now i've stayed the same i think. So i either have to take a calorie drink (Which i refuse, i will NOT under any circum stance take it [  most probably will end up taking it now. :/]) or raise my meal plan. To be honest, theres not much mroe that you can add to my meal plan its so packed. But im seeing hte dietiation tomorrow, i know mum wil lwant a copy of my meal plan, but i dont want her to see it. :/ I know it wont work this time.
  But while i was there with my supervisor and mum i jsut burst into tears adn jstu said that i dont want ot eat more and i cant do this any longer. ( I seriosuly dont) Cus if i've calculated right, i was in hositla in rieland for 2 months and ive been in hospital here for 7 weeks. And i had the three weeks beforei was admitted so thats tenw eeks here in sweden. So its been nearly five months, and its jsut too much. Cus even before i was admitted to the irish hospital i was going once a week to a doctor, that was for nearly a month i think. Like i wasnt doing the 6 times eating hten, that was more, write down what i ate for the whole week, dont go to school, and dont puke. So it wasnt too intense. BUt now it is.. its just too much.
   But my supervisor was liek getting cross at me.She was like "I know its not easy, but ia hevt o do what i have to do. Whats gonna make you healty and you wont eb able to do what you want uness your healthy." Ugghhh.... im pissed off with her.
 But yeah.... thats pretty much been my day. Tomorrow is gonna be VERY packed.
  I think tonight im jsut gonna listent ot soem good music, shave my legs and watch a film!! Some swets maybe? Lol - NEVER! :)



I dont trust my mum. She has a meeting with the doctor today... and i was told that i was allowed to og by my supervisor but now my mum wont let me come. And i know its beacuse shes gonna talk about me. What other reason is there?
  She was all like im gonna talk about me, talk about getting an apartment. So why cant i be there then? Because you're gonna bring me up, and then youre gonna sk to see my meal plan. Or you gonna sya something about me. Somethingt hat jsut fucks everything up. And she was all like, trust me, im not gonna talk about you. Answer - I dont fucking trust you. Thers no reason why i cnat be there unless youre gonna talk about me.


Ok, so today theres cooking lessons which im gonna go to. At first i was like... great, thats gonna eb fun. Cus i dont really mind cooking, i do mind adding stuff like oil, butter, salt and i do mind eating the food. But the cooking isnt bad. But i think the only reason i like cooking is because i have cotrol over it. its me who cooks the food, so i know whats in it, i know how much calories, how much ffat. Like once i start cooking, i cant have anybody else come and interefere. And if it is somethingt hat needs to hvae butter or oil in it, i take mine first nad then add whatever it is that needs adding for the others im cooking for.
  Like i dont have a problem cooking for others, like if im making a cup of tea for someone, i'll add milk, (auite alot) but if im makng it for me, i hardly have any milk, and like iwth toast, if im buttering it for someone else, i'll pu on a fair amount, lke a normal or something, but for me, well i wontt ake any, and if i do its like nothing. So thats kinda weird.
  BUt im worried aboutt he cooking lessons, beacsue yesterday was a plain case of me freaking out. My mum had cooked food, Toretellini, without me knowing, and that freaked me out -because i wasnt in charge of the food - and hten once she added butter, i couldnt handle it. So thats not somethigns howing that im getting over anorexia. And apparently with the cooking today, we have to be able to like add oil, butter, cream. And hten be ablet oe at the food. But i swear im gonna start crying.. or haeva break down or a panic atack and once htey see that.. back in HDV (in patient) i go. Well... i eat, its jsut somethings need working on.

I hope thigns go well.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Upcoming two weeks.

What i know so far is that, tomorrow, Monday,  9.30am my mum ahs a meting with the Mando Doctor. I have cooking lessons, and then school later. Then later that evening my mum's going to my news chool for liek a parent teacher meeting thing. NOt sure.
  The Tuesday, i haev Maths with one of hte teachers at the hospital, adn then after lunch i ave my CF appointment.
 Wednesday... i think i have cooking lessons again. And we also have to move our stuff otu of hte hotel. So i think me and my mum are gonna go liv with one of her friends. Hmmm...
   Thursday - Well i have to find a way to get to Mando, and then i haev to be there, i cant like go down to the hotel. Which sucks. And then of course, i ahev to get home again. So not sure how that will figure out.
  Friday - nothing planned.
Weekend - its the same i don think i ahve anything right now, but i suppsoe tomorrow i'll know if theres anythihgn more.
  I also have schol at the hospital eveyrday of hte week. And i think for a cocuple of hte days im gonna eat Wii base, jsut so they can see how i weigh up the food. If i can get it right, as they want us to be able to eat wiht out the Mando Meter. So dont know how that will go.

Then, Monday, Next Week. Its school. In my new school. Really nervous. Or thats wahat they're saying, my supervisor is saying that i should og, only until like lunch or seomthing. I'd come to the hospital for lunch. But i think thats just gonna eb stressful. Maybe if i jsut go to school until lunch, then go home. And do that for say, 2  or 3 days a week and for the rest of hte week i'd come to Mando for breakfast and go after 3pm. I think that would wor better. BUt i dont know, i'll chat about it later.
  I'm really nervous abotu school, like i dont want eveyrone to think im a freak. Like what am i supposed to say? Of course they're gonna realise something's up as i dont come into shcool everyday, or im only here until lunch. I think i'll use my CF as an excuse. I hopethey dotn find me weird, cus i was hoping, new school. No body has to know. I could start fresh, not be the freak that misses school. But i suppose.. im gonna have to go with it. I hope i make friends, maybe get a  boyfriend??? (Hihi!) And i hopei dont mess up. Like i have no idea where tog o for what classes, which classes i have. Its all so frustrating.


Sub consciously

Ok... so i like vegetairan food (i.e Qourn stuff), soup, prawns, sushi, fruit. But apparently all this stuff is low calorie. But that what i like and dont mind eating, unliek somehitng like Pasta or fish fingers or battered Cod, that is something i dont like, butt hats hte stuff thats high in calories. So is it only sub consciously that i've told myself that id ont like them. No i dont think so. I cant imagine myself eating them. and i dont want to.
  So for dinner, i asked mum ifwe could do something with prawns, as its lie my fav. food (if i even have one. I generally jjsut hate food, and id ont want to eat. Once i get a chance im gonna stop eating. I shouldnt, im just gaing unnecessary weight, and its stupid.) and i dont know, er face jsut kind of.... well soemthign happened in ehr face.
  So now for dinner..... it was kind of disastrous, she cooked this like totellini (the pasta with like sinach or cheese inside) with potatoes, and i jsut kind of had a melt down. First i told her i wasnt hungry nd wans tgonna eat (Yah thats gona wokr, is it?) then i started crying, saying that i shouldnt be here, cu si frankly shouldnt, but once she put butter on the pasta, i staretd freaking out. I jsut stormed off and refused ot eat. When icame back though she was like "You should clerly eb here if you cant even eat pasta" - Fuck Off was my answer -
  Anyway i plated up, but then i saw tha, my mum didnt take any pasta, Thanks, that clearly means that the pasta is seriosuly fattening if you're not gonna eat it. So that pissed me ff even more.
  I hate it everywhere people can lose weigth adn talk about losing weight while ica nt even emntion it. Like my mums all like "im gonna gainw eight if i keep hanging around you." and i've seen how she doesnt eat as mucha s she used ot, - great - Sure, lose weight, thats grand.. but dont do it when thats the one thing which i want to do, but im at a stupid hospital gaining weight. .and then my sisters goingt o the gym. I dont know about ehr eating habits, as i ahevtnr ealy been around her, but shes not a rbeakfast person, sometimes she jsut goes right onto lunch. WHile breakfast used to be my hardest meal as i enevr ate it.
  I hate it... everyone else can like not eat, go to the gym, lose weight. While i cant.


With my Mando Meter,  while i eat i ahev to fill in my fullness. It cmoes up very so often and you have to fill up this meter thing, on how ful you are.And im very good at getting right, but in all honesty, i dont feel it in my belly. I either feel relaly full or nothign in my belly. BUt they're aiming that wiht us using the Manod meter you get to know the fullness yourself. And thats like with Wii base, the lastt ime i did it, i got it spot on but when i plate it up, it jsut feels wrong. So its not really wokring then, is it? I shoudl eb cofident that im putting the right amount on and i should know when im full and when im not.
  BUt whatever... i really don give a fuck anyway. I shouldnt be using a fucking Mando Mter anyway.


I was reading back over my posts, and i find that the first ones iw rote (well they were wrong, ti was me claiming that i was ullimic [i though i was as i was throwing up] and saying that i had had anorexia for 3-4 years, which is wrong because i ahdnt eben diagnosed yet.) But iseemed to be all cool about having an Eating disorder, jsut like yeah.. oh i totally want to get over this Its so nice that soemone knows, maybe i felt like that at first i cant remember and all like advising you not to go down thsi path, "Oh dont do like i did, its not cool .Just eta, get over yourself." Yah... whatever, its easy to write it.
  BUt then, te ones furtehr along, you cna tell, or i can.. hwo the eating disorder is getting mroe of a control over me. Like when i firts started tow rite, i ate... not much i doa dmit, but as i was throwing up ia te more than when i wasnt throing up. Like there are two memories which i jsut cant let go of. ONe is when.. i hadnt eaten so muhc for a good while that one day, i jsut gave in and i took a piece of brown toast with peanut butter and jam, but then i took another, and another and soson ihad had four peanut butter and jam toasts. And that absaloutly repulses me, i cant belive i even did that, but that was when i really started ot exercise and i felt like shit afterwards, i think after i had had those four sandwiches that was when i started to go for a wlak eveyrday. and my other memory is when i went like 19 hours without eating, and iw as fine, not even hungry (iim sure ive gone onger, just hvent bother counting. Im pretty sure i went liek a day adn a half with out eating) but whenever someone says, you know oh but its only been two hours, you should eb hungry... that memory lieks to pop up, you went 19 hours without eating before, 2 hours is nothing.
  So yeah.. tehn the posts furtehr along its when the ED gets more of a hold on me. Like i start jsut not caring... i diditn read all of my posts (and please dont, i reall ydont adivse it) so i cant say exactly how thoose posts are, but  they're more like... im saying i dont have an ED, im not sick, i dont need help wetehr as the first posts im jsut like, yeah i need help.. but tht was for hrowing up, not not eating. So yeah.... i still aev days when i dont think iahve an ED, i seem to be havign more fo them. I dont believe that iahve one, that  people are lying to me, jsut tryingt o punish me. I eat... so like WTF? why am i stil here?
  So i ahve on adn off days.

Thats it.

Hair cut.

So this isnt exactly relevant to the eating disorder. But im thinkignt about getting my hair cut. NO ok, im not thinking about it, im plannign it. I'm thinking to maybe to go white blonde, as that was what i was when i was younger, but not like tacky, bimbo blonde, jsut liek baby, summer bllonde.
  I still want my lenght, i want long blonde hair, but i think im gonna get it layered, as now its so thick, its hard to keep it controlled. Or either its that, or get it died black! I've always wanted long black hair! Im kinda into the em look, but i dont think my mum will let me!

We'l lsee

Blueberry picking!

This morning i woke up at 9.30!! Yay, SLEEP IN! Not so good frmo my meal plan! Hehe. So ihad to try to eat breakfast really quickly, but while iw as making breakfast i did htis 50/50 thing. Like i first poured half hte yoghurt and then the cereal and then the next half of hte yoghurt, but i think my mum jsut saw me pour the first half of the yoghurt wo while we ate i jsut knew she was sitting there thinking, "shes not following her meal plan. I cant trust her. This is the ED controlling her." Ok, maybe she wasnt, maybei  was reaidng to much. Bt i think she was... l ike she finally realised that she cant trust me. but she can, i do everything right. :/ 
  So that didnt make such a good start. But then we couldnt decide what to do. My mum wanted to be out in the nature, go to a forest and go blueberry picking. Not my cup of tea. So i jsut refused to go. And we staretd argueing and all this. And i was jstu like, leave me here, or dont you trust me. I could tell my mum wanted to tell met hats he didnt trust me, that id jsut skip lunch or seomthing.
  BUt after a good while of argueing, i gave in and agreed to go. So i had about ten minutess to cook my lunch before we had to run to catch the train. So, quorn sausages and rice it was. But there was no where to put it. So we had ot kind of take this bucket thignw itha  plate over.
  We then set out for the train.
Then when it got to taking the bus.. thigns were a bit tricky, because apparently the bus driver iddnt seemt o know where he was going. And hte bus we wwere suppsoed tot ake didnt seemt o eb comignt o this station so we had to take a bus that took us half way. So when we got off the bus, we realised that we had a whilet o wait. Time to haev lunch apparently. So me, sitting at a bus station has to take out my lunch (i've aready measured out.) sit there and start eating. Oh... the embarrasement, well not really as no one was there. BUt thats commitment, eating my 350 grams of food at a bus station, tryingt o stick to my meal plan (which is already hours behind.)
  So much for normal eating though, at the hosptial they try to focus on normal circumstances Norml eating behaviours and i get the feling that eating at a bus stop, just isnt in that "normal circumstances". Lol though!

Then we meet up with my aunt, my sister and her friend and we took the bus to the forest! There we picked soem blueberrys while getting covered in spiders and LOTS of midgies attacking us! It was alright, not hte most fun i've had, but alright, better than sitting here ta the hospital all day. I do admit.
  It was then soon time to take the bus back! So after a long day, im finally back at the hospital. NOt sure hwta i'll do now, cook dinenr soon... then maybe wath a film?Chiillax, as tomorrow its back upstairs for my breakfast and ten snack. :/
  This weekend has gone VERY fast. Not sure if i enjoyed it so much though... it was kind of... hmmmm...

I think that is it. For now.... but you know.. theres plenty more to come!


Last night.

So me and my mum took the bsut o where my sister nad her frend are staying. On the way we stopped off ata  shop where i picked out some sweets frmo the Pick N Mix bar. Hmmm... it was quite fun picking hte different sweets, but when it came to eating.. not so much. They didnt havea  weighing sclaes so i jsut had ot guess, i have a feeling that ia te less than the 7-0 gram or whatever it was iahd ot eat. I took maybe, what 5, 6 sweets. Ooopppss. But that was fine.. i dont know how much 70 gram would ahev been. But after hte 6 sweets i staretd geting awful thoughts, like, "go throw up." "Stop eating." and i listened to them, i stopped eating. BUt i treied atleast.
  While we were at my sisters, we played Munchkin Quest, this weird board game, that take HOURS o play.SO we played for about 2 hours, then we got bored, or more my sister did and then i went off. So then we started dancing and then me and my mum had to run for hte bus, but i ran a bit further than necessary, so my mum most probably thinks i was like "Yes, exercise!" Not consciously i wasnt, i was running for hthe bus, but maybe subconsciously.

That was last night anyway!! :)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Pick N Mix

I know i said i could eat it, but i really dont think i can. I think ti wasw jsut me thinkingt hat i could. And when i did, i swear i only had like 3 sweets, but now i haev to have 70 gram. Uggghhh, uggghhhh, uggghhh.
  I dont know what i'll do. WIll i actually eat it? ssee im gonna tr it. But i ont know... im VERY worried. See, i want to, but then again i dont. I dont know what to od. Should I? SHouldnt I? (First hand indecisiveness.)

:/ :?

Fuck everything

Everything is just so fucking stupid. I hate it. The world seems to revolve around food.
  And theres nothing to fucking do. When i finally have the weekend, time to do what i want. My mum cant be bothered, she wants to go out in nature.We bloody lived in nature for ten years,she had plenty of it. Wh ydoes she have to go Eco Freak now. My day has sucked all i've dine is gotten lost in a forest ebacseu my mum dragged me there.
  And now we cant even go to the cinema, the one thingw hich i was lookin forward to. It jsut bloody sucks.
 And onw ednesday when we have to go out of the hotel i dont even know where im gonna stay, and then how im suppsoed to come here, to Mando. I dont fucking want o be in hospital, and i dont fucking need ot be in hospital. Im perfectly fine. Everyne is jsut stupid, thinking that me, needs to be in hospital, the only reason i need ot be in hospita is to lose wieght, not gain weight.
  I think the person who invented BMI jsut made it so that they werent fat. So that 18 on BMI is FAT, and 14 is normal. So they can jstu fuc off, those fatpeople telling us to gain weight, why dont they fucking lose weight nstead?

Uggghhh.......... i hate it.Weekends jsut suck. 

Friday, August 27, 2010

What a dinner! :/

So yesterday, i thought. Damn, cant we haev better food. Sick of the same food. So instead of the same white fish which we hae (if we have fish) what about salmon? Or like instead of jsut chicke and potatoes, something else. 
  So for lunch..... GUess what i got? Salmon! Wow, im good! So i was pretty happy with that! But then for dinner.... guess what i got again? NOpe didnt guess did you? I got salmon. Damn, am i really that good at manifesting? BUt there was some mix up for the dinner. Some poeple were ordered for twice, while otehrs werent even ordered for. and some got the ae thignas they ahd had for lunch. and aswell tere was no sauce, so we had to haev this weet and sour sauce (which isnt sweet and soure.Its SUPER CHILLI! [ It burns like hell, my eyes were watering.:(]) Liek salmon isnt bad, but i prefer variety, for soemthign like dinner or lunch, i dont want the same thing (for my snacks or breakfast, i ahve to like make myself choose soemthign else because i get so fixed on having the same thign that it jsut becomes routine and i dont choose anythign else) so after a long while of people complaing and swapping meals i got chicken wok with rice instead. So that worked out well. But it will be good to be able to take my dinner and lunch here wiht mum, and it might actually be vegetarian food!! There is some real nice veg. meat balls, sausages, nuggets! (i dont know why they've made hte vegetarian stuff like meat? if your that desperate to eat meat, jsut eat it, why get it vegetarian style?) And Prawns!!
   So yeah... and then this weekend, if we go to the cinema, i think ill take my new sweet alternative, as i can kind of eat ick N mix. Well.. im not to sure now. Cus the last day i was gonna ge Pic N mix, and i ahd choosen it adn as we were going up to the cashier, i started thinking abotu how fatty it is, how euuggghhh it is. and then i was jsut like, No... cant eat this. so i jsut put it back, im surprised that mum let me. Iw oud ahev thought that she would ahve been like, you know what. You can eat this, and you are going to. Or soemthign liek that. But she seems to jsut let me be indecisive. Like now a days, sometimes i cant even choose which fruit or cereal im gonna hvae. Liek dont even bother taking em shopping, im useless. I dont know why im so indecisive. Its stupid and un fair. :/

But hey, who said lifes fair? Sure as hell, Not Me.

Never cold

Its so weird, im never cold anymore. Like before i'd be wrapped in jumpers and have scarfs and gloves, and still fel cold even though it was sunny outside, and always complaining about the cold. but now... its the opposite, im walking around in just a pair of shorts and a tank top while everyone else is huddled up in a blanket complaining about how cold it is, while im complaining about how warm i am. Like there's air conditioning here so sometimes i feel a slight chill, but i seem to adapt to it so easily.
  Like when i first came here to Mando, there was a girl who was stick then (she still is) but she'd go outside when it was windy and all of us other girls would want ot go in cus we were cold but shed sit there in just a tank top, and youd see the hairs sticking up on her arms, but she claimed she wasnt cols. My first thoughy; i dont believe you, how can you not be so cold? ofcourse i didnt say that, but thats whta i thought.
   BUt now.... thats exactly how i am.
 Like all the staff keep telling me to put on jumpers, thinking that im walking around with just a t-shirt because i want to lsoe calories by being cold. BUt i dont believe in that, i dont think you lose calories by standing or being cold. Like why would you?

But yah... its so weird, like a first i todl my mum that it was because my body was absorbing all the food that i eat but she was like, no you're cold then because all the blood rushes to your stoach, and i think she's right, because i've had that before when suddenly i go all cold and my stomach starts gurgling, and i canf eel it absorbing the food. So what, am i not absorbnig the food if im all warm? Its either that, or because im all fat now, that the fat is keeping me warm.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


So for dinner, instead f going to Manod and having the ame as i had for lunch (beef strogonaf) because i refused the pancakes, me and my mum cae over t my friends house, where my sister is staying.
  So we cooked rice with vegetables ina a curry sauce (there was  no meat or fish, so wont tell my supervisor that) but also, to make matters worse, i forgot my Mando meter. Nice One. So iab hdt o kind of guess how much i had ot take, and when i plated it up, it felt right but once i started eating ti started to feel ALOT more, and i started gettting all these feelings adn emotions, like "oh no, you´ve takent oo much" and these awful guty thoughts, and they´re seriousy hard tp ush away, so byt he end of the meal i ahd like tears in my eyes, and i think y sister saw, but seh didnt say anything. But i think i will be one of those patients who gets addicted to their Mando meter, its like a safety measure. I know im taking jstu right, like im never going to eat a whole portion o food which i order ina  restaurnt, because first of all tis so much fattier than home cooked food adn its alot more than the normal portion of food 350 gram.
  Like, i dont really mind eating otu with it now. Maybe in scool it will be weid, but i ind.. i get allt hese thoughs when i ahve to take the food myself, like i get scared. My supervisor said that that would ahppen, but i didnt believ her, because when i do my snacks , somtimes instead o measuring up the jam or marmalade, i jstu take myself, im sure i take less than a teaspoon though, maybe thats why i dont mind. But it was kind of shocking, and i didnt like that eeling ig ot while iwa s eating.

I dont know what tot ell ym supervisor, she aint gonna be impressed if i tell her that i forgot my mandometer. AND, if it ell her that it was a vegetable curry, i tink i tell her it was a chicken and vegetble curry, like .... so what. I jsut dont want her to mistrust me adn not let me go out, but i suppsoe she will be roe likly to not trust me if she finds out that i lied. And she doest need to know that i forgot my mando meter, if she asks, i tel her, but if she doesnt, well i dont need to fill her in.

But yah.. that was my dinner. Later im gonna watch Adventureland, try my new evening snack - Hot choclate and 2 biscuits. Hmmm.. it wont be a every night option, but ill try it... se how it goes!!

Allrighty, i better go and catch my train now!! Otherwise it wont be till MUCH later that im back at the hospital! Hmmm.... sounds like a good idea! ;)


NOt much

So i dont got mucht o say right now. NOthing special happened. Went to see the dietitain, so added some alternatives. A cheese sandwich (eugh) Oboy (which is hot choclate) (eww... the milk) and pepparkakor (which is like gingerbread) so hmmm.... i dont know how that will go. BUt biscuits, milk and ceese were three thigns which i said i didnt eat,, (DAMN, i shouldnt have put anything down, cus now i have to eat all of those foods on the list.)
  Oh.. and it turns out on thursday, theres a thing called pancake thursday sounds great doesnt it?Errr no. So we got pancakes with cream and jam for lunch, but i jsut said i couldnt eat it, and it turned out that i had also been ordered this like beef stew so i took that, but next week, next week i ahve to haev the pancake. Already dreading it.
  Then... yah, went to school again. Didnt do much either, read in swedish, even though ive told them that i can read swedish. But i think they're waiting for met og et books. But still.. is there evn a  point that i go see the teacher. I could eb doing somethign else for those 40 minutes, (ok nothing important, just on facebook or seomthing. but still....)
  Yah.... thats about it. Tonight me and mum are gonna go and haev diner wiht my sister, i think is indian. Hmmmm.. i wonder what that will involve?

This weekend, im gonna do the same as last, haev all my meals outside (like not at Mando) and it hink we're planning to go and see Inception. I cant wait. And now instead of jstu the popcorn as a cinema alternative, i ahvea Pick N' Mix alternative, so thats good as i said i could eat  Pick N Mix.
Last night i wastched UP with my mummykins!! Its actaully really funny for being a kids film!!

Thats it for now... not much more to write about, wont eb for a while i presume!!

Till then...


Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Just now, about five minutes ago after my evening snack i dont know, i was all jittery and hyper for some unknown reason. And like i trie don my new shoes ( a pair of black bots, that feel clunky when i wear them but like nice on) and i jsut started laughing and everything seemed so funny. And once i started to laugh, i like couldnt stop and soon my knees where going weak. So trying to get my shoes off, was not a  good idea. I almost fell over as my knees were weak frm laughter.
   What started me laughing, i have no idea? There was like nothing funny happening at the moment! But it was nice, i dont think i haev laughed like this for a good while. It did me and my mum some real good to just let go and laugh!!
  IM hoping for plenty more laughing fits in the future!
 Laughter actually does make you feel good and better!! :D

Heres to laughter!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


So today, i was dead bored i had from 1pm till 5.45pm o find something to do. First i continued ont eh puzzle which iw as doing (now finished) then i went on the computer and started to downlaod soem songs! But that got tiring jsut staring at a screen.
  But recently i've seen some friends phtots onf acebook and i jsut get so jealous! because some people jstu have such good photos and are so photgenic! I get elous very easily, but then i decided, im gonna get myself a nice facebook photo!! So after like an hour of figuring out my phone camera (its new!) and straightening my hair and trying to cover my spots with WAY TOO MUCH MAKE-UP! i actually started to take photos, and suddenly i felt good about myself. Well, it actually took like half an hour, cus first int he photos you could see my spots, my belly was bulging and my hair was greasy and ugh, but once i founda  good angle, adn good shading, the photos started to turn out, ok. And yeah.. i forgot that i was in hospital.. and it took up a good hour or something (only got like 5 good photos, and they're all he same!!)
  But it hink i've written before how i want to do moelling and how like, taking photos (yes, of myself. im a girl and im VERY vain, i already know!! :)) makes me feel good! Makes me forget reality.

I was talking to my mum before, about modelling, as she used o model in Italy, back when she was like 20!! And mum had said once im a bit older and my weight is fine she'd take me to meet wiht someone. And i thougt that was a great idea, i still do. BUt now i worry, i realy want to model... but would i jsut end up with an ED again.
   Because what if seeing all these tiny girls who eat nothing walking around looking great while i sitll ahve ot eat lieka pig, that might trigger my ED again, and trust me, i aint going back to hospital again. Mum says at the moment no one would higher me asi mtoo skinny, but i dont believe her, there are plenty of models who are real skinny and they're modelling, not that my ambition is to be like them. But still... so im not too skinny. Bu i suppose i'll see how it goes... i woulnt do modelling forever, maybe jsut as a part time job ot earn money, i still want to be n engineer, or an author! Maybe both. Actually... i'll make money by modelling part time and then with the moeny which i earn from modelling i'll start setting  my own business, making like hte newest laptops, phones, mp3s. And then once my business is successfull, i can start to write my best selling novels! Mayb i'll already be published, ive already like ritten a 200 A4 page story!! Im pretty sure its real crap though, havent let anyonce else read it!! Hehe, too embarrased!!
  But yes... that is my future planned! And im gonna do loads of travelling, meet a hot foreign lad, we'll fall deeply and madly in love adn we'll get married, we'll have twin girls, live in a mansion with 3 dogs (beagles) and we'll live happily ever after and my ED will jsut be like it never existed!!

   Ahhhh... future... it sure sounds great now... i jsut wonder how it will actually turn out! :D


^^^^photos from today! ^^^^


So took lunch out at a restaurant with my supervisor. It went alright, but there were only 4 choices for the  lunch option, and i was only allowed two of them. There was, a mushroom stew thing, a fish gratin and chicken noodle wok and then there was like a mong bean soup (which i would have liked, but it was vegetarian [ ehhh? whats fish then?] so wasnt allowed it.) so i took the noodle wok, but it was REALLY OILY! liek i mean relaly. I know you're all like pissed of by how much i mention how the food is oily or greasy, its just like shut the fuck up and eat. But this is my mind and this is the type of stuff it hink about.
   but anyway, i ate it and my timing was pretty good, alot better than usual! But that was cus i couldnt exactly fall behind, then she'd bring it up tomorrow and add something liek.... dont take such small bites or dont do this or dont do that. so i tried to act "normal" but in all honesty, what the fuck is "normal"? i dont know.

But yah... that was lunch.

And before that i met with the teachers at Mando, at first i was like "nooooooo" cus they ere old adn jsut... yah. not that im ageist or anything but they also seemed strict. but then the more we talked they soon seemed fine. so im gonna meet with them once a week, and i think with the swedish im gonna do the basics, how to write, how to count (i know how but how to write it) the alphabet. (OMG! its like im 5 again!! not fun!) its cus i know how to speak swedish and read kind of, but i dont understadn everythign and i dont actually know how to pronounce the alphabet so that means i cant write words either!!! hehe, embarrasing!! :)
   Hopefully i can make up my crappy swedish for my superb maths brain?? 

What a start!!

So this morning, got up, got ready, just an average morning so no need to tell you about that. But then when i went up to Mando and was gonna have my breakfast, i sat down with my porridge and i dont know, something seemed off, but i jsut started to eta anywya. then half way through isaw that hte milk looked funny, as if it had gone off. and it tasted funny aswell.
  So iw ent up to one ofthe staff and asked if it looked ok, and hse was like "No, it looks like the milk has gone off, you're gonna have to start again." DAMN! i had already  eaten like half of the breakfats, so it ehn had to start again, so it wasnt until like 8.30 when i finlly started eating. :(
so i've had a breakfast and a half. :( Well my supervisor did say, you know take a little bit extra, cus i ed my weight to go up. But damn, i'll do it of my own accord (well not really) but now i jsut feel like nto eating all day. I should ahve to eat double. and my  calorie intake is also based on my CF so id o have a much higher meal plan than nayone else aswell as hte fact that they ahd to raise it so i would be able t go out adn do stuff. I dont know. Just seems unfair, cus my weight is also gonna be a healthy CF weight, not a healthy normal weight, people with CF sually have to have a higher weigth to keep their chest well, but my CF isnt bad, its aways been good so i dont see why i haev to weight like 10kg (r seomthing) more than what i would weigh if iddint have CF. :(

Monday, August 23, 2010


I just seemt o want to go backwards. Whether its cus i miss the way how i used to eat nothing, or how i used to always feel cold. r whether its cus i miss my home in ireland. Or even wanting to go back to having my inpatient supervisor, it always eems that i want to go backwards, enevr forwards. I seem to get comfortable and i seemt o be scared to take a step forward, i just want to stay where i am, comfortable. And the more i think of it, the mre i miss it and hte more uncomfortable and uneasy i get.Because i miss it. I miss being comfortable, i miss not eating. I just miss it all and wish i could go back and its hard to direct my thoughts else where, even now i could jsut keep writing the same thi ng, syaing how much i miss the past. :(

Annoying, very.


Ok so this weekend i did alot of walking! Yay, i sure as hell didnt object, even though i did feel tired. And the thing which id o still want, ery badly is to go down in weight, im still not veyr happy with my body but i try to direcy my thoughts else where, whats the point in thinking that way because then i will jsut want to cheat on ym meal plan and everything will go downhill.
  So this morning iw alsike, ok they're gonna weigh me. I hope i vaent gone down.... EXTREMLY WEIRD! i was shocked that i had thought that way, but then i was like, its ok if i stand still.. that doesnt mean anything, or jsut go up a little, but down. That would mean they raise my meal plan and everything jsut gets fucked o and they start accusing me of not following my meal plan, so losing wieght is like.... you get in troble for it... which is higly unfair, but i suppose if they just let it slide that you lost wieght you'd keep losing weight and then you'd end up an inpatient again. BUt back to my point, so they weighed me today. I stood still. And my supervisor was like i'll keep chekcing and if it doesnt go up, you're either gonna hvae to take an energy drink (which i refuse, i will NOT take.) or raise my meal pan, which is veyr hard ot do as im eating soo much anyway. So i hope it goes up, maybe jsut a little a week, but up.

  Also today i was discharged frmo in patient and writen into day patient.

Tomorrow im gonna start wtiht he school here at the hospital, they want me to go for an hour eveyrday. Which is fine, i think. Its not that i mind school or lessons, maybe thats what they think, that im tyring to avoid school, but tis not. Its the fact that i dont hitnk im ready to start eating ins chool. I dont know... like they're saying in a week anda  half i hsould start. And i suppsoe im gonna gear myself up to that, but i think my whole shcool issue is that im physciaing myself up too much. Like in my old school, i was always home sick with my CF and i just felt lke a freak but i  had kind of prepared myself to jsut start a new chool, maybe be later than the others but that i would start and go all day  and jsut be normal and hopefully not get to sick with my CF. But now i have to face the reality that i would jsut be able to go for maybe two three hours a day and i'd have to have y snakc and then soon i would have to use my mando meter for lunch, that its gonna be progress and that yes.. i will be the girl with anorexia, or the girl over coming it, but soon i will be the girl who had anorexia. Sure, i might not get a boyfriend in this schoool, but when i change school for gymnasium, then i might jsut stand a chance!! :)
  So i think im just gonna have to take school in my stride jsut like i have done with this eating program i've jsut taken everything as it comes, but with school, i've thought too much about it.

Tomorrow im ognna go out for lunch with ym supervisor. I dont know how that will go. Ok, i hope. It might be weird though.... she's also gonna put my time down to 15 minutes. :( Hmm... im on 17/18 minutes now and ot be honest sometimes i struggle with that, i still take small bites. BUt i find tht easier instead of taking huge bites, i take small bites but plenty of them, so my timing, is ok. Like i mean i still eat too slow but i follow the line pretty much.

Er.... that is about it.



Just today i started to wonder... when i first came in, how did i look? And also, i cant remember how i took or saw anything wen i first came in. Like i dont remember anythig a roudn me, any of my surrondings, i was just so focused on me and my schedule not what was around me.
  Also now, when i see someone new i wonder how they're percieving us, like we jsut get onw ith our stuff, we know what we're doing We know where to go, what food to get adn after the meal where to go adn waht to do. But the newbies, they're kind of withery and shy and not knowing what to do, and im sure i was that way aswell, its jsut that i cant remember it. :)
  Also.... :) When someone see's me, like i dont know how to put it, but like before  i used ot be all kind of shy, or i dont know, but now when someoe sees me, i jsut get on with what im doing, i dont care what they think!
  I dont think the above bti makes an ysense, i could like phrase it, or think it in my head, but when it came to typing it... it jsut came out in jumble, so that was hte best i could do!! Hehe!

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I found that when i went out tot own yesterday, people were staring at me LOADS. It was weird, but they would like stare me u and down, both boys and girls. It wasnt like a pervy kind of looking u and down but jstu like.... i dont know. I dont know whether it was hte fact that my onts were like continuousl falling down or what. But i felt kind of weird i wanted to jsutt ell tehm to stop staring at me. Like theres nothing abotun me to be stared at. :( Hmmm

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Shopping = NO fun for me

So today me,my mum and sister took the train (or something like it) to town. First i realised how much i actually was lacking in energy. It was hard for me to keep u to my mum and my sister, but i think thats just the fact that i havent moved so much, not hte fact that i didnt have any energy.
  So we then looked at some shops, but i ifnd it hard ot go shopping. I used to love it, be a real shopaholic, i would ALWAYS buy a loads of things! :)
  But now... we'll id find things to try on, but once  try the on, they look really ugly on me. They're all too big for me, even size 34, i need like a size 32, but no shopd have it. And then when i tell my mum that hte top that hse brought for me to try on, when its a 38 she looks all like, you'll grow into it. Yah... but i dont fit in it now and im not gonna buy clothes to fit me in a years time, because ill ahve a different style then.
  Its also hard because i can never decide whether i want the item of clothign or not.
  So all i bought was a mirror, somthing which im not sure if im allowed or not. But its something that i ned, just a small compacr one.
  But then we went int a shoe sho[ because my sister needed some new shloes and at first i was trying on shoes bt then i saw these boots and i tried them on, just to see and then my mum was like they look really food! Ill buy them for you. And then i saw another pair, and i tried them on. They were moe comfortable, and i preferred them. but my mum and sister liked the other ones better, and then i was all indecisive because i preferred one pair but my familt the other. and then i realised, i dont need shoes, teyre not that imrtant, why even bother etting a pair? so then i started to rell my um that i didnt need them and then she had o si me down adn be like, which pair do ou prefer? and do you want them or not? i said no, but se bought them for me anyway.
  The for lunch se went out to a restaurant. i started to fet a bit panicky, because i wasn so sure how i would   plate up the food on my mnado meter and my mum also had to take me aside, before ig ot a panic attack and just sat, if you dont want to use hte madno meter, its dine. you can just eat the portion your given. So we then went and sat down. For lunch it ook a fsh stew with rice. It was bery ncoe! and when i plated it up, i only took like hald the food, so WOW it was a very big portion, its a kind of safe guide for me, bevaise i know that im not eating more than i should. So i think im more likely touse it if i go out, bevise now i know that the plates can be more than 350 gram. Bt oerall it went fine, veyr filling though so when it came to snack time, i was still really ful! For mu snack i wanted to fet a smoothie, but we went to a kind of cafe tif, or.. uaj cafe and it onlyt had like pastries, so i took this like cookie thing.
  When we ot back to the hotel i cooked dinner for us three... rice wwith sesame nuggets and quorn sausages! wth a  salas, it was bery nice! I wih i was allowed moew vegetarian food u at mando, we haev to eat meat u there, not allowed to eat vegetarian foood.:( Upset. Im gonna be a vegetarian once im healthy.
  SO now im just watchin sherlock hilmes, another very good film!! :)

  Thats pretty much y day... i wonde rif i my weigth will o down or not because od me walkin so much ,i hope nott. Bevause hat means raising my meal la. somethig wich i dont want. So lets gope that my weight foes up,  a bit anyway, not loads. :) Hehe.

By the way, i  my typing is bad its because im typing with out looking im watchinf the film, so your  ognna have to forgive me! :)

Till later


Thursday, August 19, 2010

day patient

So today was my first day as a day patient!! Scary! It went well though, i went up for breakfast and had that witht he day patients, then i rested, then i wetn down adn did my neuliser, put on the washing machine, went up for my snack, then.... then i had my metting with my supervisor adn mum and then it was lunch. Thn after lunch iw ent out with my mum, she took her lunch. I the borrowed some films formt he library, Australia so gonna watch that with my mum. The my sister came.
  Yah then later it was dinner! Witht he HDV, (which are hte inpatients.) patients. But eeverythignw ent fine.

This weekend im not gonna have any of my meals upstairs, im gonna take them all with mum whether im at the hotel or out, so thats good!! :)

Yup... that was my first day as a day patient, not veyr interesting, but is my life really that interesting?Nah, didnt think so!! X


Ok, so we have decided that im gonna wait. After me lik breaking down in tears and saying that i dont think im ready. I jsut dont, i think it would be a backwards step adnr ight nwo i want to focus ont his, because i want to get over it and then never have to go back to hospital but i feeel that once im in school i woudl feel that i could stop eating, im normal again i can got ot school so why am i so freaksh adn eating six times a day? Thats how i think and thats how i would think. So for now im gonna wait and im gonna go and see the teacher here at te hospital, so thats good. Not sure how long im gonna wait, but i feel for now, ill get mroe settled as a day patient, it might be once were out of the hotel (which is two weeks, we can only eb here for  two weeks and hten we have to find somewhere else) so maybe soemtime after that i'll look at school again.

Wish me luck!



So just hte last dya i was thinking, i've done really well, i aevnt refused any of hte food. I have just taken it in my stride, like even when i wrote about that really horrible meat, which was all ily and greasy and horrible, i didnt complain i just took it. but it seemed like everyone else had had a breakdowna dn refused to eat some type of the food they were given. and i didnth think any thing of it, sometimes i was just like, get ver it and just eat it and others i was like, goood for you, we shoudlnt eb made to eat everythigm if its toom uch for us, its too much.
  But today for dinner it was sausage and mash, and i just said tot hem you know id ont eat sausage, i dont like it and im not planning on eating it. They obviously thought it was something im scared to eat, but i told them that sausage ist something like pizza or burger which im scared to eat, sausage is somethign id ont like.
 so  after a while they changed, so ihad this noodle, chicken wok. Which ihad already had for lunch, but i didnt mind it was a lto better than having sausage.
But god, we are really not allowed to haev dislikies, we aarently have to be able to eat eveyrthing. Well, i dont bloody like evrything, fine things like pizz,burger chips, im gonna have to eat them sometime, because i didi used to eat it, i jsut went off it, but sausgae, never have and never will eat it.



Mystery is solved!

The mystery is solved... it is not santa claus putting food in our fridge, or my mums great manifesting skills, it is infact anothe human being!! Haha, you would never think. It was jsut a mix up of keys. Who ever gave the other person the key obviously hadnt checked if the fridge was in use.
  But i thinhk she moving out now anywy. So iuts good... we dont have pto be freaked out toniught, wondering if we´ll wake up with even more food in the fridge!! Haha!
  A bit off excitement to the day! :)



So i woke up this morning to find... not my own food in the fridge! Weird, there was someone elses food in the fridge. I just kind of asked mum if hse had put food in there and she was like no!Its liek a huge mystery! We have no idea how it got there, we think it was my mum. She manifested it. She wanted milk yesterday, guess what turned up in the fridge? :)
  Its very weird, we´re kinda freaked out!! :)

Haha! Lets hope that this mystery gets solved!!


Wednesday, August 18, 2010


My Mammas back!! Yay! I missed her sooo much! I wonder if its gonna be better that she stays with me or not? Like maybe its easier if i jsut do everything on my own, i think, in a way this is me like, i dunno im being a bitch like im jstu being mean, thinking well.. you left me on ym own so why dont you just keep ding that now. I can do this on my own, but i so plainly cant.
  Like it will be easier ot eat my snacks, cus i ont eb on my own.

Now that mums back, maybe i can make the desicsion with school aswell. Cus today when i met with my supervisor i was like, i want to focus on one thign at a time, adn thats my health, and i dont think school is good for me at hte moment. Because before i jsut though, school yah i'll go all day, ai didnt even think about eating... no  i didnt think id be able to go when it started, id be ablet og o later, when i would be fine to eat lunch with other, how dont have anorexia or are my family.
  I didnt think about having to eat my snacks, or having lunch with others.
Like my supervisor is saying that id only be able to go ot lunch or seomthigna nyway, so id only haev to ahevmy 10 snack there, but i  think that would eb awkward, i think i would jsut avoid eating and id ont want to feel anymore freakish only being there for  a couple of hours, like what am i supposed to say?
  and then today when i exxplained to her that i dont think im ready, that it hink i would just go back to not eating, i canf eel that inside me, that now is not a good time, that t would just be a backward step, she was like "you know you haev to talk to me, tell me whats on your mind. This is your health." and i was like "yah i know, thats why im saying that i dont think school is os good right now." and i was almost in tears, because i cant decide this on my own, i needed mum. but now when isad to mum, she was like, ok wait till next week then, on monday? BUt i dont think i'll be ready on monday? Maybe this is just part fo the anorexia, i cant make desicions and i dont like change, i cant move forward, i get stuck in one poisiton and get comfortable wtih it and then am afraid to move forward, move on. so maybe this is just me putting it off, thinking that things wont go well.. when infact t could be like the best step forward, really getting me otu there. But i jsut feel... like ive dated this eating disorder back to when i first started secondary school, new people, new friends, new school, bigger schoool. It exactly the same begininning, but now i know that ihave an eating disorder, and id have to fight it aswell as dealingw ith school... i jsut dont think its hte right time...

All so confusing



You know what. I still dont enjoy food. Like im eating because i have, to not because i want to. Like thats how they're also not helping, they're jsut making me gainw eight, not dealing witht he actual anorexia which i think they sould be.
  I dont enjoy eating like.... i dont know. I Suppose if i was home adn i went and got sushi or had soup, then id enjoy it, because i like that food. But here, nope, i dont enjoy it, and it hink i should, maybe. Like not mind the fact that i eat, i still do mind ,i stil wish i didnt have ot eat all the time and wihs i didnt have to put on weight, but i have to just put that to the back of mymind and get on with it.




So today it was a roll call in my new school. So i took the taxi afer breakfast to my school and then i met my aunt there. At first we just kind of stood there, people watching and i have to admit, first impression of the lads ..... Me Likey!! Haha, some were veyr cute! :) But i dont know they mihgt just be the arrogant pretty boys, but lets hope not!! And some of the grls looked really nice!
  Then we all went inside, and you know what? You have to take your shoes off. Are you kidding me? Im not six anymore. But i am infact going ot school with 6 year olds. Its from years 3-9. So thats gonna be weird!! :)
  I then went up to floor 4. and years 7-9 all assembled there, they then called out our names and we had to go with the etacher who called the name out. But i was kind of confused, i dont tink i went in the right group. But anyway then when i was lefts tandng there, i just went up to the teacher and explained that i was new and wasnt so sure what iw as doing. And she told emt o sit down and shed take my naem and that.
  So yah.. then they jsut kind of explained about the school and that, nothing special.
 School starts at 8.3o every morning apart from on mondays, and it finishes 3pm every day apart fomr friday, it finishees at 2pm. SO yah.
  School starts tomorrow though, like the full day. but i dont think im ready to go to school. I think right now im gonna focus on my health, and just you know be in hospital then in maybe a couple of weeks time, i'll focus on school and then when im discharged ill start picking up more activities, cooking lessons, dancing, gym? They're my ideas now!! :)

Errr.... there is more... i jsut cant think of it. But it all went well anyway!! :)


Tuesday, August 17, 2010


I dont know what to do. This is just so fucking hard, im stuck in bloody hospital and im becoming day patient and jsut everything. I want my mum here, or someone who i can talk to, cus at the moment there is no one. I dont know what to od about school, should i go, shouldnt i?
  Like  im a freak anough with CF, i don need my new friends knowing about my anorexia. Like ill tel my best friends, but not eveyrbody. but they'll find out because if i cant og for the whoel day and i have to eat every like two hours and have lunch on a mandometer, that doesnt exactly scream "normal".
  I dont know. i dont think im ready to jsut go for a couple of hours and i dont think im ready to have the mandometer infron of others. Like i find it weird ot eat on my own its easier to eat with others. but all the people here also use a mandometer, so its nothign weird. Like i havent even had lunch or dinner out, like ina restaurant. Theres no way that i can jsut sit infront of my class mates pull out my mando meter and act like normal, its not me.

I need someone to talk to. Its fucking unfair how eveyrody can jsut go everywhere and think thats its fine to leave me here and let me deal with this myself, because its fucking unfair and not right.

Goal weight

Ok... so found out my goal weight, and i suppose i had thought it woudl eb worse, but that doesnt makeit any eaiser ot hear. So my goal weight is 50kg, thats for my height now so i suppose they do want me to go up more as i grow. I had thought that they would make my goal weight ebtween 55kg-60kg. But 50kg was the weight i was in like first year. I remember before actualyl talking with friends and we ended p idscussing wieght and i said i was 50kg, while other who were older then me were like 48kg and then there were people who were smaller (in height) who were leess than me aswell... maybe that set something off in my mind. Im not toaly sure.
  So went to te cf clinic, everything went well, but on this sheet which they have thats where i usually saw my weight (which helped) they had scribbled it out, so i dont know what my weight is, i think its still like 45 something.
  So now instead of going once a week im gonna go back in two weeks time, as my chestt is clear!! :)

Later im gonna meet my new supervisor, i hope shes nice!! I think shes gonna be more like sorting out school and that ig et out more ,as im going to be a day patient. Myabe i can eat with the day patient people aswell, and tae my snacks up here if mums not with me. cus it is kinda weird sitting on your own, its not normal (haha, i could NEVER eat with other people before, now i find it weird to eat on my own, unless i know that im not eating what i shoudl eb eating or ive taken less, then i WANT to eat alone.)

That i think is it... i will write more later!!


last night

So last night was my first night down at the hotel. It went well, i was just on the internet writing on my blog, and then i skyped my parents over in ireland. So yah... that was pretty much it, then i got ready for bed.
  I couldnt fall asleep for ages though dn you know what, when i finally had, my phoned beeped. Damn! So dont know what time i finally fell alseep.

Yeah... thats it....


Monday, August 16, 2010


Ive been thinking.... and i think,

that this whole thing is sick. i mean.... im in hospital to gain weight. dont you find that kind of disturbing adn sick. You seem to be admitted to hospital for everything now a day, its like people dont have nayhting ebter to do than tell you that youree sick adn need help. Like how did people survive before hospials adn doctors... and they did, so dont tell me they didnt.
  I jsut find it disturbing, like im not in hospital for an operation, not for a check up, not becuse i have a cold or because im dying (but i dont think you shuld be in hospital if you're dying, because if you're dyin your dying, spend it wiht the peopl who ove you.) but im in hospital because i need ot gain weight. i mean how obserd is that? is it only me? i mean everyone else gains weight daily, (ok not everyone and not daily but some) and other lose weight... so why am i  in hospital for it? (i  know im not hte only one.)

But its al very strange, i thin god jsut finds it fun to be mean to people, torture them.

I dunno.


My period.

Ok, this is gonna sound weird adn most probaby a whole lotta spoilt, but my mum said that when my period comes back i cang et a guitar. Sound weird, eh? But i havent had my perio for about 7 months now, and i like it that way. Of course i want kids when im older... but still... i dont needto worry every month now or get period pains or any of it. Its a nice relief adn i know that once it comecs back it will be a sign that im a healthy weight, and i dont want ot be ahealthy weight because a helthy weight means fat. So... like evn when im told that im= can get a guitar is till dont want ot get my period back, i know i will now, because im giaing weight and in time my body will be ike, "yah ook, youre healthy gaain>" sor elaly it deosnt make sense, but i suppose that will l ike be my gif for geting over this for fighting my way back to normal, i dont know if that soudns weird or good?
  But still.. it frightens me.. yet another weird thing.

down at the hotel!

Moving = FUN! :)

So down at hte hotel now, just had my night snack, which as they didnt have everything in the shop wasnt exactly according to my meal plan. I hope that theres no cameras here or that nobody was watching. Im actually worried that Anna will find out that it wasnt according to my plan and she'll be like, you're not fit to be down there. You're ot young to take care of yourself. No, im just waiting for my mum to come back, then she can stay here, and everything will be easier ,cus also at the moment. I dont exactly have any money. I hvae like,200 crowns wich is about 20 euro. So not alot. And i still haev to buy more food and now oothpaste aswel, but let me tell yu one thing, im glad that i didnt go shopping this weekend, cus thats what iw asplanning to do as i hadnt spent hte 500 tht my mum gave me. thinking tht i wouldnt move down until mum was back!!
  Errr... let me see... not much else. Just hope evrything goes wwell and i suppose tomorrow i'll see if i eat down here or up there!!c :)

Wish me luck, i think i'll need it!!


One step forward.

So, had my 3 o clock snack down at the hotel, it went well.. but i did find that i was like "hmm.. it is easier to eat upstairs, its kind of weird to sit here on my own." so hopefulyl when mum gets back she stay here and then i can eat y meals with her. :) She can stay at the hotel, which is a relief, but i can only stay at the hotel for like 2 weeks, then i haev to go home. So hopefully we HAVE a home by then.
  I dont know.. i think... i think i might eat up here anyway, until my mum comes. Its easier to eat with someone else. But im gonna sleep down at the hotel, which is good!! My own shower, no need to ask to go to the bathroom!
  Tomorrow i have the cf clinic and im also gonna talk with one of the staff down at the hotel, she didnt have much time today. and then im gonna meet my new supervisor. Arrgghh.. I like Anna. It sucks. But it has to be done. I think i jsut have to admit, i dont like change. I hope shes not liek the supervisor which i had while Anna was gone. Because shell be my full time supervisor and if i dont like her, then no one wil follow this any longer cus it will jsut be me bitching about her.

Yahh... btu its all a step forward..

Hope things go well!!


The food suddenly tastes ALOT better!

So today, Anna, my supervisor is back!! Yay! Shes been back for like an hour and shes already started to make things happen, like the first things he asked when seh saw me was, "You're still here?"  I wish i wasnt, really. She had expected me t o be moved odwn by now, so had i. But it was he fucking supervisor i had while she was gone that couldnt be bothered to do anything for me.
  So she then sorted out that i go down and take my 3 o clock snack adn my 8.30 snack down at the hotel. Its like amazing, adn then i mentioned that i want ot go to Gornalund, a big theme park, shes not sure if i can go there, like, if my bones are to weak and im in a rollercoaster that is throwing me about ,but shes gonna check.

It was funny, or weird. Because i was eating lunch when Anna came, and i was like, "Urrghh.. theres cream in the curry." but once Anna said to me that i was gonna go down there, the od suddenly tasted alot better!! Fuunnny!

So was jsut down at the hotel, got my keys!! :) Yay. I think i might sleep there tonight, im gonna have to check that up with my supervisor, hopefully! Hopefully i can pack my stuff and jsut move down there and jsut... things move one, because its been two weeks of jsut hte same, i could be ready for school if only i had started day patient two weeks ago! But anyway, lets not dwell on that, lets jsut embrace now!!

Saturday, August 14, 2010


Ok, so i ahve never been an over exerciser, but i do admit i had started doing alot more than usual. Like i usually ahted PE, i never wanted to do it and you could never get me out to go for a walk. but recently, i really liked PE, and i got quite mad when we didnt do anythign good, like we´d jsut stand around for forty minutes, and i was doing Basketball practise 3 times a week and sometimes an extra match. (Got mad when i couldnt got o one) i was gonna start horse riding lessons, and i was trying to find somewherre where i could start taking dance lssons, as i love dancing and have always wa,nted to dance. I was also going for a walk regularly.
  But  i dont consider that over exercising, some people do that regularly and no one says anythigna bout it. Was sad when they told me i couldnt go anymore. :(
 But today, i wenta round the area wherre my school is, to get to know it. I went for like an hours walk, felt really good and aswell, i didnt get tiresd until the last ten minutes, (but before i was admitted to hospital the swedish one, when i was at my lowest, i could hardly go ten minutes. I was out of energy at once, ot be honest, i actually hardly ate anything.
  but yah.. so it felt good to walk and also havee the enerrgy to walk, because here the doctors are telling me this shit that i cant walk. And like it burns that much calories, hardly.

Also today, ive done ALOT of standing. Likee hardly sat at all. I like it, but i cand efo feel it in my legs, they´re like complaining, after a month of jsut sitting to suddenly doing alot of standing and walking. But in all honoesty, i dont think its gonna make a difference ot my weight, i eat to much for a little standing and a short walk to effect it. Anyway,, tomorrow im back to sitting down all day so i think its a nice break for my letgs to be used!!
  Anyway, if i do go down, (which in a way i want to, but i know thats just gonnna mean more food or less time out) so its not really worth it, thats why i didnt run.Like i easily could hvae. I was on my own, actually comee to think of it.. i didnt think of that, imm sure i would have run. :( Hmm.. not really getting better amI?

But yah... so later me and my aunt are gonna go to the midnigth run, a marathon. So hopefully that will be good.
  But i know this sounds wweird, but im kinda glad to eb going back tomorrow, like its jsut that i cant relax while im herre, it doesnt feeel like im... i dont know what. But i just ahe  abetter time if im with my mum, who jsut acts normal.
  Lately ive been thinking alot aboout my mum. I miss her like hell, shes back on wednesday. But then i think, god, my mum lost herr mjm when shhe was around my age. And then to imagine never seeing your mum again, for to jsut be gonee. Like ite only been two weeks, but think.. to neverr see her again. It brings teearrs to my eyes. So from now on, im really gonna treat my mum special, let her know how much i love her and that shes so strong to be able to indure this with me and always be here for me.

Love you mum!!



I hate them. Full Stop. Theres calories in likee eeverrything, apart from water. I wish i could live on water. I hate caloriees, like i cant stop thinking about them, and yesterrday whne iwent food shoppinng i spent like half an hour trying to find the yoghurtt with the least caloriees. Soi think i checkked the GDA of every yoghurtt in the shop.
  Dont take an anorexic shopping, or dont take me. Im too indecisive, i cant choose. And once i hhave i thinnk about the other ones i could have taken, did they hhave less calories? Maybe i shouldnt take this one, mayben its wrong.
  And then when we got back, i just freaked out, i was like, god all this food has so much calories, i cant standd it. And i swear i satrted to like get a panic attack, and you know what. I was never like this. I never got panic attacks overr small things like this, and before when i had ot ahve the cake and i started to freak out. So in that way im worse, like i´ve realised, at the hospital all they´re doing is making us gain weight, sure that does help, but you´re not helping the anorexia, therres foods which i will refuse to eat, i still look at myself andd hate my body when i see it in a mirror, if i see a weighing scales i´ll immediatly try to weight myself, sometimes because i sit so much i do feel like jsut runnning a mile, i dont know whether its jsut to move or to lose weight i think of it.
  But they´re not normal, they´re all anorexic thoughts, or they dont feeel like that, they feel like my thoughts but its the fact that i know i wasnt like this a couple of years ago. So they´re not helping me, there is no onet o talk to, i want to know what triggered it, what madem e become like this, someone to talk to. Like i talk more with my mum now, but still....

  I jsut feel that im not gettting any help, because right now, yes... if i could i wouldnt eat. Full stop. And thats not betterr, and im not gonna tell the doctors that, they want to put me in the day-patient ward. And i want that but ialso want to get betterr.... so should i tell them, that maybe i cant be trusted or jsut go with it.. see how it goes? Im just worried that ´will stop eating adn then im gonna have to be admitted again? I dont know.


Friday, August 13, 2010


Just found; TOP NEWS!

There are newbies coming ,two of them. :) Eciting, bad for them, as theyre being admited to hospital, i wonder how i'll act, because im so used to seeing the girls here, (all of us are like moving down to day-patient this week and the next anyway) so there'll be like no one here. But im glad im gonna be made day-patient, because i dont think i'd take it ver well if all the girls here become day patient and jsut me (the fat one) with the new stick thin girls.
  But yah.... it'll be weird to see them! But i want to study them, see how they act. They might not eat with us, come to think of it, i wanted to like study them see how they eat, how they act. Kind of to see how newbies act, cus i'm still the newbie. (well a month old newbie!) Cus liek i cant remember what i was like when i first came in. Like my family have told me i was like a walking dead person when i was in the irish ospital. Like i'd stand there and jsut stare into space (still do that sometimes, jsut space out.) and like i didnt talk that much, i didnt smile i didnt show any emotion. Like now they say that they were actuay really worried and even scared of me, like they knew i self-harmed, (they never knew i had suicidal thoughts though) so they must have been dead worried, cus i wasnt like responding to them, i was jsut there.
  So yah.... i cant reember being like that, but apprently i was, like you dont realise how you are when you first come in, but even while i was in the irish hospital,  i saw a couple of people being discharged (i dont know what they were in for, as it was a phsychiatric hospital, but i could see the ifference in them from when i had first come. 
  Liek one girl, seh came in after me, ands he looked awful (she had already been in the hospital twice before) but afte a couple of days, she jsut clicked back. Like something happened, and she was going to be discharged a couple of days after i left, and i could see the difference in her. And apparently other people cans ee the difference in me, even though i cant.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Movie time?

So im the only one here, not sure if another girl is coming for the night snack, i hope so. I can NO be the only one to eat, i will go crazy if i have three bitches on my case telling me to eat faster.

But to chillax while i wait for my mummy to call im gonna havea  bit of movie time, im thinking, memoirs of a geisha? Its like one of my fav. movies ever!! :)

Me think so!! Yes!



Films to watch this weekend;

Sweeney Todd
Memoirs of A Geisha


Sound good?
  Me thinks so!!


Friday to monday!

Ohhh... Friday to Monday!! Exciting! ;) So my aunt pick me up at 4m tomorrow, then dont know what we do, same for saturday and sunday, but saturday night i think me and my aunt go to this like marathon, we want to make it a tradition, that we go every year. :)
  Then on Monday, something is happening in my new school, so im gonna go there wtih my aunt!! Arrrrgggghhh i have butterflys, i wonder whats gonna hppent here!! Exciting though!!


Out for me.

Uggghhh... they have it out for me. They're all jsut bitches, they're scrutinising my every move. Im about to be day-patient, or once you get off your fat asses and let me move down i will be. But it's like this week, i've been very clutsy, like my drink has spilled, i've dropped food whiel preapring, i've dropped food while eating, so now they;ve passed it on. Watch her liek a hawk, she's trying to get rid of food, but ihaevnt done any of that purposefully. Its not my fault that id ropped th food.
  And now my fucking supervisor is just a bitch, like what is her problem? Leave me alone, its not that hard to understand, jsut talk to me if its absaloutly necessary, i dont want to speak to her, i dont want to see her, so dont bother me unnecessarily, i thought it would be quite clear my signs of not speaking when she comes roun and moving when she comes closer. I knwo, Bitchay! But what... i clearly dont like her adn sehs jsut bothering me, like a fly that wont go away. Its jsut an annoying nuicassance which you dont ned in your life. Im sure she's nice but like... i dont see it. I jsut see the evil part of her.

Yush.. that is my rant over, bu really its one too many?

Everythings just messy now.

So my mum went back to ireland to bring the dog back and bring like the tv and computer back so we wouldnt have tp buy new ones. But now the dog cant come because somethign with vacanations adn waiting. now my mum doesnt know if shes gonna fly back or take the fery back, my dads not coming until later. Or whenevr mayeb he wont come at alll, wouldnt be surprised. Its jsut like WTF? stay to the plan, you set the plan and you stick to it. I know its not easy, but im alot into planning. Like if i plan that im having yoghurt for my snack, and theres no yoghurt left, i start to panic because i need to stick to what ive said and if it goes wrong, then i freak out (which is not normal.)
  Bt yah... its jsut alot, i dont even know when my mum will be back. And my school starts in 6 days. I dont thin i can go though, its less than a week away and im not even day-patient, so that sucks. :( Im gonna hvae ot starta  new school late.
  Hmmm... messy messy... its all too much. I prefer thigns to be simple.


I hate talking.

Maybe its just my supervisor, but i feel that whenever she wants to talkt o me i jsut sit there and stare at my shoes, but that doesnt help them thinking m better. But i jsut dont feel like talkign to her, ti might also be the fact that she sits there and jsut stares at me, like really staring, its kinda freaky adn id otn like being stared at.
  And also she's always like if you want to tlak, about anything... you can talkt o us, "ehhh no, i'll talkt o my family. I dont want to talkt o you guys, i've had enough and anyway you jsut overhear my conversations with my mum and sister anyway, so theres no need to say it twice."
  But yah... cus im fine with tlaking to my mum and sister now, like i tell them wuite alot, but with the nurses and my supervisor, nada, i jsut dont tlak to them. Which doesnt help my progress... whch brings me to the fact that im not gonna be made day-patient till god knows when. everything is so hassley, like my mum has said that they can call her to talk to her or the my aunt is my stand in gaurdian so she'll givt he permission and that, but my supervisor was like, no wait till monday ntil my previous supervisor is back, i think she should let me move down once she has the consent of my aunt, and this weekend i wont be in hospital anyway. I'm not so sure how much fun i'll have, i think ym aunt is working on saturday, so dont know what i'll do, maybe i go into town?



I actualy had fun yesterday! Haha, that was after a very tense, kinda awful starting.¨
  So when my friends,my sister and my friends mum came to pick me up, my friends mum spoke to like the nurse for half an hour, i got really nervous, i was like WTF could they be saying? I found out a little bit later, i think.
 After that we had to go to the main hospital and i was like i need the bathroom, so i went in there and then wehen i came out my sister told me that my friends mum, ok i´ll call her, Anna, got all flustered and told my sister to follw me, as if i was throwing up in there, forst of all "ewww." i would enver throw up in a hospital bathroom, i have more dignity than that and second of all, i havent thrown up in ages. I might gett he urge soemtimes, but i havent. So it really hurts when im not trusted, so i got kind of pissed off at that.
  Then we went into town where there´s a festival on, so us four, me, my sister nad my two friends walked around for a bit, and then we met up with Anna and she was like i´ve broughtsandwiches, and i told her that i wouldnt have one, as im buying a smoothie for my snack instead, and she was like, "let me jsut check your meal plan, i´ve got it." I was like ok yes, but i know what i can havea nd what i cant, and i dont want a sandwich. Im not tryingt o bea n inconvienience but i think i know what im doing. So the nurse obviously told her that i ahve to follow my meal plan precisly, and yes ok, i know i have to so that didnt surprise me thats he said that, she had to. But i mean she must really have drilleed it into Anna. Anyway i got pissed off at Anna aggain, and then my friend got angry at her mum telling ehr that i knew what i was doing, so in the end us four just walked around and i got a smoothie, not before being very indecisisve. :(
  Then we had to go food shopping and i had already made a list of what i needed to get so i kind of walked around putting the things in my basket and that, and then as i was paying Anna was like, "have you bought yoghurt?" I told her no as i didnt need it, i told her i had already planned what i was going to get, and then she pulled out my meal plan and started looking at it, i just groaned.
  I then walked ahead to the car, and later my friend tole me that her mum had been like, "She's trying to trick me, she's tryingt o manipulate me." That pissed me off big time. They obviously told her not to trust em, that i'll try to trick her eveyr chance i get, tr to throw food awy.

So then when we got back i called my mum and talked to her, and cried jsut saying that i was having the shitiest time ever and would prefer to be abck in the hospital. But once i had hung up my mum called Anna, and jsut told her to trust me that i know what im doing so after that everything fine, she kind of laid bakc and jsut let e do what ihad to do.
  So after that we baked, Rocky Road, like a brownie type thing with marshmallow and biscuit, i didnt have much but i tried a bit for my night snack adn it was quite nice but also it mmade it better as my friends and sister ate it aswell, and they didnt show any signs of guilt they jsut thought of it as nice so it didnt feel as weird ot have it and i didnt think to much about it afterwards, at the time though i wondered if i should stop eating and throw it away, but ica rried on nibbling.
  We watched Legally Blonde while we munched! So had a really nice night!! :) even though it was a bit of a rough start, it turned out well!! :)

This morning though.... i dont think im plannign to make porridge again, it was just a gloopy mess. I ae ti anyway, but i think i mae too much, it was pretty rank! :)
  Then for my 10 o clokc snack.... dun dun dun.... i had bread! OMG! It was a first, i haevnt had bread, like soft bread ina  good while. But i just nibbled away, tried not ot think of it, so i managed it.

Now im back in hospital, had lunch. I think im gonna go to the library later but thats baout it for today!!