In two weeks time.

Two weeks. Thats how long its gonna take until things get better. :( To top off the fact that mum is heading back to ireland, now my doctor, or the woman who ahs kind of been my supervisor is going on holidays for two weeks. So now im gonna have someone else, but i have never met this someone else. :( Everything is jsut happening and the same time and its too much. Im gonna explode. For these two weeks everything is jsut gonna be the same. Cus my supervisor said that when she's back if things carry on this way, i'l be made a day-patient. Just when school starts, so i dont know how oong i'll be day patient, not long. I jsut want to be out of here. :)

But urrrggghhh.... i think im gonna start planning my upcoming week now so i know what to look forward to. Wait, shit. Tomorrows sunday. Urrgghhh... its not even the start of the week. Thats when my supervisor comes in, and shes gonna plan the upcoming week with me. :( Im hoping they'll be plenty of time out. But im not so sure cus its only my aunt that will be able to come, but she works during the day. So i'll see... we'll work something out.

X

Good times!

Missing my Buddy boy!!

XxX

Sony Ericsson Xperia X10

After two hours of long discussions and very annoying sales men, i finalyl have a phone!! And the one that iw anted frm the  beginning. So yesterday we waited for three hours for the new iphone, but we couldnt get one. I suppose i was disappointed, but i got over it. So today we tried again but they were sold out, and the xperia was hte next best thing, and that was hte phone which i wanted from the start!! It took a long time to get everythigns orted and find hte right contract!! But anyway, yay!! IMmveyr happy! But now i feel a bit...like i dont want to go around and flash my new phone, im not liek that. I dont liek flashing that i have soemthign new and better than everyone else.
  :)

I hope it works well!!

Jealous?

xxx

Tears.

Today i had like a break down and just started to cry. Everythign was to much and i was coming down with a cold. It was nice to have mu around and jsut be able to feel ehr arms around me. Its gonna suck when she's not around. Im gonna miss her like hell. And the days are gonna be shit long.

  I hope i survive, i hope i dont like become depressed and stop eating. :( I dont think so, im gonna count down and hope that the days jsut zoom by. And that i dont even notice that two weeks jstu flew by.

Lets hope so.

X

Temptation

So today ofr breakfast my mum went and ate her breakfast in her room, which is weird i thought she would have wanted to spend time with me and eat it downstairs with me, she did however ask if i wanted to come and eat my breakfast in the room with her, but i declined. But anyway, i was left on my own, and i had an overpowering thought of not eating breakfast. Like what would they know? I could easily throw it out now. and its not like im happy with my weight now, infact i hate my weight now and my stomach is all bulging out and looking horrible, so why didnt i? Well i have no frigging idea? Like missing breakfast wouldnt make that much difference, its not like id lose any weight. but i think sub conscioulsy i realised, it´s not worth it. I want to get better, i want time out, so jsut do it right and eat. So anyway i ate my whole breakfast, and then afterwards i felt sick, to be honest it wasnt that much breakfast, i didnt measure it up to be 100 % accurate, maybe 95% accurate. so it was a little bit less than normal. but i felt sick, like throwing up sick. and this though was also veyr strong, like what would they know if i threw up? But once again, i dont want to sink back in to the way i was before, its not worth it. (Of course i would like to be ALOT thinner, but i know that aint gonna happen with me eating like a pig now, so am i willing to stop eating adn be in hospital longer jsut to be thinner? Just two weeks ago, i would have said Yes, but now, now i´ve had enough of hospitals and i want out, so i have to sacrifice my body for that.)
  So to take my mind off throwing up, i did the dishes from yesterday. - FUN? Yah not really, but it worked because iw as focused on that, and to be honest i dont tyhink i thought at all while doing the dishes!! Haha, maybe that can be a new techique? :) Nah, i dont think so cus apparently you burn calories while washing hte dishes and of course it involves standing. But still, you never know!

But now, i feel terrible, i feel liek absaloute shit because i know that i could have gotten away with not eating breakfast, so why didnt `? Its bugging me. i´m proud that i didnt listent o the thought but i jsut feel sick knowing that i mightnt have had to eat it. ;( It really annoying. I hate it, but sure dont i hate alot at hte moment? Lifes not always fair.

So now my mum is gonna ring the hospital to see what they say. I have no idea, maybe they´ll think its too much with me staying home on thursday aswell. Maybe they´ll think im overdoing it, i ahve only been in hospital for two weeks. But i´d be back for dinner. I dunno, i hope they say yes, this is the last chance i have tos pend with mum. So why am i sitting writing to you guys? Welli have no friggin idea, so i got to go and spend some quality time with my mummy without acting like a bitch!!

X

Start the count down!!

Till im discharged? If only, no, it´s only 15 days until my puppy dog is officialy in sweden!! :) So thats a beyr good thi9ng, because i miss her so much! Its riduculous! I never thought i´d see the day when i missed my puppy! She always got on my nervers (even though i always loved her!) :) But only 15 days!!

X

Girly night in?

Yup, thats what we were gonna have, we were gonna have face masks, and watch a film. and i was gonna shave and tweeze my eyebrows, as im finally allowed to see myself ina  mirror!! But that doesnt look like its gonna happen as we´re all kind of avoiding each other. :( It sucks this could be the last night that us theree are together for like.. however long. :(
  Mums gonna call the hospital though and see if i can stay out until after dinner or something, because this is gonna be the last day before mum goes and it is VERY unfair if i have to spend it in hospital when i could be out with mum. but we´ll see mum still needs to call.

I hope thigns sort themselves out. Its jsut too much now, an overload. I think we do jsut need to calm down, watch a film. DOnt think thats gonna happen though.

The mirror is not my friend.

The mirror is not my friend. I hate it, i have to stop looking in the mirror. Now that im not in hospital, for hte evening, there are finally mirrors around me. but now i cant stop looking in the mirror, and i hate what i see. I see a bloated whale who should eb on a diet.
  And to make matters worse, i foudn otu my weight, (yup, there was a weighing scales jsut lying there, i couldnt jsut walk away from it.) and i dont like it. i cant stop thinking about it. To vbe honest, i did haev clothes on and i had eaten, so that might add a bit of weight, but not much. and the doctors at the hospital told me that i was supposed to jsut eb gaining 0.5 kg a week, and i´ve been there for two weeks, so i should only have gained like 1kg, but it was more than that. ;( I think they´re lying to me. because to eb honest its not like we´d know how much we gain each week, we dont get ot know our weight. I suppose thats a gfood thing as thats the only thing i can think about. the same as the mirrors, its good that there are´nt any.
  :( Why are all my posts so sad right now?

Too Much - O-V-E-R-L-O-A-D

Ughh... everythigns too much, its jsut an overload of emotions adn tension. Mum going away fr two weeks to sort out our house in ireladn and then to drive back with our dog in two days. It´s causing so much tension and anger. i´m upset becasue im gonna be stuck in hospital, not knowing if anyone will visit, not knowing if i even want anyonet o visit because its jsut weird with everyone else, they dont know how to act around me. And now i dont know if i can have time otu, ebcause who will i gow ith? What would i do? And of course, im gonna miss mum like hell and how it is at the moment, i cant use my phone. it wont let me ring. (We went to the phone shop to check outt he new iPhone 4, but we couldnt buy them ebcause mum doesnt have a job here yet. :( ) And then mym sister is stresse dbecause she doesnt know her way around sweden and she´s sworreid that she´ll ahgev to go somewhere but not know how to get there, so thats her side of it, and then af course theres all this stress for my mum ahving to sort everyhting out, and then she´s gonna be leaving one daughter in hospital and the other on her own, not knowing her way around. So i totally understand it´s alot for her. It´s alot for everybody, but it sure as hell doesnt help when we all start attacking each other.
   Today for dinner, god it was like a disaster, we ate at 8pm, (i´d usually have dinner at 6pm) but while iw as plating up the food it went all funny. and then i seemed to take half the food., which made me feel liek shit. Liek how the hel lcan i eat all of this? Mum and my sister are normal people, they eat noramlly and they didnt even take as much as me. :( But then half way mum and my sister got into an arguement about mum going away for the two weeks, and mum stormed off, not being able to cope with as its so much on her anyway. and then my sister started crying and i was left there still eating, and once again my mind floated to the fact that maybe this is why i´m like this. i dont have control over anything else, eating is my way of controlling something. and now im losing that control aswell. i feel so lost in this world. I hate it, everyine keeps telling me that im gaining the control over my life again, but im so obviously not. im losing all ym control, my control was over how much i ate, and now i dont have that. im jsut falling ,im losing myself. I hate it, i hate everyhting. I have absaloutly no one to talk to. I cant talk to my mum when i feel like im fat or when i want some one to cry to about the anorexia and how tough it is. Because she jsut gets angry at me, because i haev those thoughts like im fat. Im alone in this world.

Im in tears now. It really sucks, im gonna be in hospital while my mum is away. :(

Thinking about food.

I know i said in the post before that i couldnt understand how you guys dont think about food all thge time, like i do. But now its really starting to bug me, because i seem to plan my days beforehand. Like if i have a choice of a fruit, i´ll choiose the fruit in my head before its even tiem to choose it. so i´ll plan my days, and then if something doesnt go according to that plan, like i have to change fruit choice ebcause its not there or i need to havea  different juice, i get really wound up and pissed off. its like the days have to be planned and hten go according to that plan. so in a way the food plan works, because i know exactly what im going to have, no more no less and i know what time im goingt o haev it. But its bugging me, because sometimes i find im even tryign to think of plans of how to get rid of the food and once i´ve thought a thought its hard to get rid of that thought and then i jsut work out the minor details to not get caught and it´s so hard to jsut stop thinking it and try to not do the action. But i think i´ve eben veyr good i´ve tried to focus on somethign else so that i wont end up ruining eveyrhting.

It´s tough... but sure im nto the only one who goes through this, so i cant complain and i shouldnt.

X

3 weeks makes a difference.

So as i said before when i got to sweden, u somehow manifested myself a little holiday!! I got 3 weeks of freedom before i was admitted to Mando. And you know what,mthat three weeks ade a hell of a difference. First of all it gave me something to fight for, something which i wanted so badly, so that i was willing to eat and jsut deal with the food so that i could ahve freedom and live my life. then also i got used to eating, ok, to be honest i didnt eat much, buyt what did anybody expect of me. But i did eat lunch and dinner and an odd occasional snack, and i also got used to eatting around other people. Which i hated, i could never eat around other people, so that helped because within a week of ebing in Manod i was eating all my meals out with the others, which i woiuld never have been able to do back in the irish hospitals.
  But also thoses three weeks made me realise that there is so much more to life than hospital walls, which i was starting to forget while i was int he irish hospital, all i saw for two months was hte same four walls, day in adn day out. So now i knew that there was a a life to be living outside of those four walls.
  And also, iw as happy, something which i hand tbeen in ages. I could ahve been depressed, i dont know but i sure as hell was not happy. But then i suppose i was sad that i had to let go of the perfect lfie i had been living for hte three weeks and go back to the hospital situation, but it´s so much easier at Mando, because they really do want us out and about. They dont want to keep us in hospital.
  So three weeks really does make a difference!! Maybe we should all jsut get  achance to live our life, if hte hospital doesnt work, and jsut do stuff that we want to, so then when we have to go back we know what we want to fight for. I think it might jsut work!! Maybe not...

X

Feeling normal.

Ughh.,.. its so unfair, i was jsut begininng to feel normal again. being outside and just hanging round with ym sister, acting like a normal teenager, apart from the fact that i haev scheduled eating times and an eating plan to follow, but put that aside i felt normal, and god it felt good!"! I miss it. It sucks to be going back to hospital now, but i suppose i know what i want and that is to be out and living my life so that makes it even easier to fight for because i know it´s there and its not gonna jsut dissapear!
  So aslong as things keep going well i know i´ll be out and about in no time. But god does it suck having like a day out, like a teaser to what i could have!!

Anyway, stop dwelling on that fact and jsut get on with it!!
X

Cosy Night!

So last night, as i got to stay home we had a bit of a cosy night. Me, mum and Pearl played Boggle and Stop the Bus, which are both word games!! (´Haha, who´d imagine you could havea  cosy night in with word games!!) No but it was very nice!! And it was cosy as it was pissing down with rain and then there was thunder aswell, so i was glad that i didnt have to go back to hospital and ly in aroom on my own and listen to thunder outside!!

 So it was all veyr good yesterday, apart frmo hte rain!! But there was well an upside to that too!!

:D

X

WooHoo!!

Yay!! I aint going back to hospital tonight!! Yeahhh! :) As its such shitty weathger mum called and asked if i could sleep home tonight!! And they said yes!! Yay!! Which is really good! and now as i had my dinner late, i can have my night snack later so it´s not so cramped together!! :) Yay!
  So me mum and pearl are gonna have a cosy night ,hopefully no arguing!! But im back again after breakfast tomorrow, but i was supposed to sleep home tomorrow anyway, so i dont knwo what they´ll do whther i dont get to go home on friday or whether ig et both days, cus it wasnt really our ffault that i get to sleep home tonight, it was the weathers fault ,so ina  way it would eb unfair if i didnt get to go home tomorrow aswell... btu we´ll see how it goes and i´ll keep you guys posted!!

X

Tension adn Fighting.

I feel like everything is my fault, of course it is. There sloads of tension and fightign going on. And i know its because all this emotions and anger jsut build up inside my mum and sister and then they take it out one ach other, and mym mum is stressed otu enough as it is, and then i seem to take out my frustrations out on her as well, sometimes for no reason i´ll jsut get cross adn she seems to eb the closest by at the time so then i start getting cross and taking my anger out on her. while on the other side she has my sister doing the same thing. But then my mum takes her anger out on my sister, asim never really by, and she seems to eb able to control herself when she´s near me. (God im making my mum soudn really bad as if she abuses us or soemthing, ´cus thats not the case.) But today as my mum and sister were arguing, i understood both their points and agreed but disagreed with both of them, i jsut stood there in the corner and carried on making the dinner, and then somethign insdei me was like, oh maybe this was why i stopped eating, was it for the attention? Maybe i felt left out? But that cant be the case, i´ve always gotten the atention, it´s always been me, you would really have expected my sister to turn anorectic for the attention, because she has been the one whos been over looked, i´ve been the spoilt one who always got what she wanted, and yes i admit that because i know its true, so it cant be that i was looking for attention, but it cant really be anway because i never wanted anyone toi know about me puking in the first place, but then i thought maybe the puking was how i dealt with things, i´ve never really had that much control over my life, my life has always been controlled by my CF, which i´ve never written about here before but i  have an illness called Cystic Fibrosis, but i cant be bothered to explain ti now, so if you´re more interested Google it. But also my mum adn dad are seperated and mym dad has a new partner, i get on well with his enw partner adn we used to stay with dad every weekend but then when we got to secondayr schoo lthat sort of changed we couldnt fit in the travelling abck and forth so we hardley ever saw him. But maybe somewhere, as i never erally cared, or i didnt have a choice i jsut went with it, i didnt have controll over that istuation. I never seemed ot have control over my life or havea  say in anything, maybe i felt that if i had control over my eating, i  would have some type of control. Because the doctors have said alot about control how thats what we do with or food intake, we feel we have some type of power.
  But i dont really think it´s that, i remember after i would puke i would look at myself inthe mirror and think how horribly fast i looked and i remember as i slowly started to lose the weight, i never saw it myself but my mind was telling me, you know what, you do look thinner, and you´re clothes are starting to look baggy on you, so you´re doing good. So i think it was jsut that i got pulled into the thin side. I really dont know, it´s not like i can pin point the day i turned like this, but i know that it was slowly building up ever since i started secondary school when i didnt want to eat infront of others so i decided to not eat my lunch at all, so i think unconsciously it carried onf rom there but ti wasnt until i started puking and months afterwards that ire alised something was wrong.
  But nobody has ever really spoken to me about why i turned like this, maybe the cause or reason, they´ve jsut focused on me gianing weight, which still disturbs me, i ahte it, knowing thayt im eating and gaining weight, like if i knew that i could eat and stay the same weight or go down in weigth ti wouldnt be that horrible to eat, but i know that im gaiing. Eurrgghhh horrible. Hopefully i might speak to someone sometime though, see if i can see what triggereed this awful nightmare!!

Ok, let me see.. i think thats it...

Hope you enojyed readin ym MASSIVE LONG post!!

X

Untrustworthy.

Like i said in my previous post, it really pissed me off when my sister accused me of throwing away the cookie. I think thats the worst of it, not being trusted. Ok.. i do admit before i was very untrustworthy, i would do anythign tot hrow away the food. But not now, now i want o get better. But i suppose they have every right to eb suspicious, ´cus im sure inside me i still want ot get rid of the food, i know at some meal times i do jsut want to drop the food, but i´ve been veyr good and not listend to that side and jsut gotten on with eating.

Ok, that was my little rant of a post!!

Home atlast!

Ok, so let me see... so after lunch, about an hour late my mom and sister came and picked me up!! :) Surprisingly i wasnt angry about them ebing late, i think i was just so happy about being able to come out that i didnt care! Then we went to a mall to look for phones, as we´re gonna get new swedish ones! So that was very exciting, i was thinking about getting the Sony Ericsson Xperia x10, but they told us that the new Iphone 4 is out tomorrow, so we´re gonna wait and see tomorrow what we do, because if we get a contract and the phone isn´t so pricey, than you are looking, or reading the blog of an Iphone 4 holder!! Its very cool, i´ve never thought about getting an Iphone, they´ve always been to expensive!!
  Anyway, than at 3, or well 3.30 we went for a snack, and that consisted of a small choc. chip cookie and a small latte! So that was ok, i did want to go somewhere with a wide range of pasteries, i´m very indecisive but it´s even worse when i can only choose between a muffin or cookie, as was my choice today. But then... my sister accused me of throwing away half the cookie, she said that i ahdnt eaten it all, i had hid it in the napkin which i threw away. That pissed me off, ebcause i hadnt for once!! I´ve always been a bit untrustworthy, like i would have thrown it away before, but i didnt, i didnt even think of it, so it didnt kind of hurt to be mistrusted and for her to think that i threw it away. But now im blabbing on about it as if im lying and cant admit to my fellow followers that i decieved my mum and sister, which i didnt, but ok... then we wentfood shopping as we were gonna cook dinner adn get the stuff which i need for tomorrow, as im staying home for the night!! :) But when we were gonna leave it was pissing down with rain, and there was thunder adn lightning. I spent about five seconds out in the rain ebfore i hoipped int he car, but i was drenched!! Not fun!
  For dinner we made a sea food chowder. It was veyr nice!! :) But we ate it at 7, which messes up my whole time schedule as i would usualölöy eat dinner at 6pm and then snack again at 8.30pm. So i dont know what i´ll do, but mums tryingt o ering the hospital to see if i can stay the night here as hte weather is so shit, but it seems to haev cleared up a bit so i dont knwo what´we´ll do. Im hoping like hell though that i can stay the night tonight aswell as tomorrow. I dont see why not? Like i´ve eaten the meals, i ahvent complained i haevnt throw it away, i´ve just got on with it. But we´ll see how it goes!!

Ok.. well i hink thats it.... for now anyway!!
Im on somebody elses computer, so cant upload  a picture!! (im sure you´re glad of that though, i´ve jsut been putting up random pictures which i´ve taken!!)

X

Compliments.

Today, one of the girls here told me that she really liked whta i was wearing and that i ahd put it together well. and you know what? That made my day. Just a simple compliment, made me smile adn think, yah, my outfit isnt that bad. And it was such a simple thing to do, jsut tell another person that they look good can make a difference, so from now on i'm gone compliment other people more, but not like a continuous thing which gets annoying and jsut sounds fake, but a genuine compliment, because every person everyday has something to eb complimented, whether its their clothes that look good or their hair, or they've done something different, there's always something so from now on, im gonna compliment people, but genuinely, im not jsut gonna throw out a compliment jsut because, i dont think that works, there's no point telling someone they have a nice top if its shit ugly nd they know it, then that's just being mean.
  
Just a simple compliment makes a difference, remember that! You could be making someone's day!! :D

Likes and dislikes!

Ok, so everybody seems to have this idea tat anorexics dont like food, sure ok we dont eat much but that doesnt mean that we dont like food. We just seem to limit our food for some reason, and it might even be that we say.. liek choclate but we jsut dont want to eat it. But anyway, i'm just gonna write a small list of my likes and dislikes ( dislikes are more the food that im scared to eat. Maybe thats where people get the idea that we dont liek food, from that fact that we're scared to eat some foods.)

Dislikes (foods that i'm scared of)


Bread
Butter
Cream
Ice-cream
Chocolate
Milk
Fizzy drinks
Burger/Hamburger
Crisps
Chips
Pizza
Pasteries
Cake
Cheese


Likes


Soup
Tea
Vegetables
fruit
Coffee/Latte
Sushi


and surprisingly....... i like and can eat Pick N' Mix!! (Very weird, but it doesnt seem to bother me that! I cant eat loads of it, but i can take a bit and not feel to guilty about it like i would with chocolate or something like that.)


Ok, so it might not eb many likes, but sure, what do you expect? But there are things like Sushi, soup, Pick N' Mix which i do like! 

DONT ASK!! :D

Dinner!

Ok, so today i had dinner with y mum and sisster, they came here at the clinic. It went well. It was fish for dinner, so that was quite easy Its harder when its something like some type of meat or soemthing (as i wanna be vegetarian) or if its something really creamy or oily. So fish was good.
 We went down to this little room thing and us three ate. My mum adn sister saw as i plated up the food and measured it and then they saw when the computer asked how full  was feeling, but as i was talking as i was eating, i wasnt eating fast enough, so that wasn't the best as i've been doing really well recentyl, been able to follow hat curve, ok-ish!!
  But my mum, she said her fish was pink ,or it looked raw or something so she didnt eat it. So... that wasnt the best of influence, it kind of looks like thats where i would haev got my ED from, but i know she's not the reason.:P She's always gotten me junk food whenever i wanted!! :) She's never been on any diets or anythign herself either, so i know it's not her ive got the influence from!!
  Anyway, it went well which is the good thing. I then had my rest for a half hour and then we went out to a cafe, and i had a couple of sips from my mum latte!! (I really miss being able to take a coffee and not thinking about how it will fill me up, so i wont be able to eat when my next meal time is.)

So tomorrow, im gonna go after lunch, so im gonna take my 3 o clock snack out, maybe go to a cafe, as im working on being able to take a piece of cake or a pastery or something (as hte last time i took a piece of cake a got a mini panic attack, i swear i started to panic and get tears in my eyes. The pie was HUGE! So i dont think it was my fault.) and then i think i'm gonna cook dinner with my mum, not sure what yet, maybe something with prawns, as they're my fav.!! and then i get to take my 8.30 snack at home aswell!! :) So im very glad!! :) Things are looking good now! Hopefully they dont change!! :)

WIsh me luck!!

X

Random pic i took!! :D

Book!

Hmm.. i wondeirng, shoudl i write a book? I dont know. Im sure there are loads of books which have been written about anorexia, im sure loads of people write about their journey, so why would my book make a difference? Maybe i should just stick to blogging?But i've always loved writing, i write fiction stories!! Not that they turn out very well but then while i was in hospital i started a couple of rough drafts, but maybe now that i have ym laptop back i could start to type it out. I dont know. Everyones story is individual and mine wouldnt be the same as any others, and it might eb quie good!
  It would be different, i went from eing 2 months in hospital in ireland then moving to sweden knowing that 'd be admitted to hospital at once, but as im ver good at manifesting what i want, which was a holiday in sweden, i somehow managed to get myself three whole weeks before i was actually admitted ot hospital, and then how those three weeks actually made a difference. Because once i was back in hospital i realised how much i wanted to be out living my lfie, i didnt want to be in hospital anymore. so those three weeks made me want to work my ass off!! (Haha, if only! :D)

What do you think? Would it work? :D
  But of course, as you can see, i would have to get myself an editor as i can never be bothered to correct my mistakes!! :D

X

Relate too.

So the girl who came and talked to us, i could really relate to her. That doesnt mean that anything she said sinked in, but still. It was nice ot see someone who had been exactly what i am and come through the other side. But this, well it's really mean and i feel bad for even thinking it, but now, she's not exactly thin. and that scares me, 'cus i dont want to be big, but of course i will be.
  But she talked about her time here at Mando and she kind of said at first, she was just trying to get better for everybody else, not for herself, and thats exactly how it was for me in Ireland, i was trying for my mum, for my dad, for my sister, but not for me. but now, now im just so tired of fighting everybody and not listening so now i am like fighting for myself, because i want a life. I dont want to be stuck in hospital any more than necessary.
  She also said how she didnt belivee that she had anorexia, i still dont think i have it. But whatever...
 Then... let me see... its only been like 45 minutes since she spoke to us, and i cant even remember what she said. :o

She talked about how at first hse cheated, but that never worked because they could tell when she cheated, and she knew herself. I havent cheated since i've been here at Mando, but i did in the hospital in ireland. and i told my mum, that i was fine, that i wasnt puking anymore. even though i did. while i was here in sweden, i got three weeks before i went ot hospital, and i had started puking again. My mum inquired but i told her that i adnt puked since before i went ot hospital in ireland, which is tecnechly incorrect, because i did also puke in the hospital i ireland. :( (Here comet he confessions.)
  Here at Mando, they are alot for really gettting us out, and getting us back to normal and back to living our lives. so they do take big steps, as how i get to sleep home on friday, thats a really big step. but they also have this thing where you get this plan for hte week, jsut like, following the eating plan 100%, taking bigger bites, eating within a time limit, (15 minutes for breakfast and snack, 20 -25 minutes for lunch and dinner) and then you tick the box if you have completed those for hte day, and then in a weeks time if you've followed the plan, you get liek a little prize and that can be going out tot he cinema, gettting more time out. Just simple things which when you haev a normal life take for granted, but for us, who are in hospital they are big things, and things that we really work for. So she talked about that nad said how that really worked for her, and i find the same thing that the plan really works, that if you know you have something to work for, soemthing to look forward to, you really do work for it!! So thats somethign that works alot better than in the hospital in Ireland. because in ireland, i didnt even know if i'd get time out during the weekend, but here, even though i ahd lost a slight bit of weight, i ahd eaten everything (which is shocking) hey still let me go out, because they knew that ti wasnt exactly my fault that i lost the weight. I ate everything adn i haven't exactly moved that much, so they let me go out!! So overall it works veyr well here!!

Im planning that once im well, im going to come back and talk to the girls in the same poisition as i had been in. Because it might not sink in for them, they might not even care, but sometime, sometime something i say to them they'll remember and be like, yes, now i knwo what that girl was on about, and it might jsut give those girls a bit of hope to see someone who ahs been in the same place as them and come through the ther side and jsut living their life!! Exactly as this girl did for me!!
  I know she wont see this, but i'd liek to thank her for coming and speaking to us.

U-G-L-Y?

Haha!!1 Chin heads!!

Talk to.

Today there is coming a girl who has had anorexia and been at Mando. She's gone from being an in patient, to a day patient and now she's finished hte five years of check up's afterwards. So that will be good. she's gonna come and talk to us. She knows exactly hat we've been through.

I think it's good to see someone who will haev been in the exact same poisition, i had questions which i wantedto ask her, but i cant remember any now. Im sure they'll come!!

I hope everythign goes well and that my mind slightly calms down about the idea of going up in weight after seeing her!!

Midsummers

X

Little comforts = hard to let go.

This is going to sound crazy, but theres some small little comforts like, always being cold, feeling hte hunger in your belly and ignoring it. Just small little things, but they become comforting and something that you cant let go. Like im not that cold anymore and it's almost upsetting, because it was a comfort.

Like i liked feeling hte hunger in my belly and being able to ignore it, it gave me like a thrill, you could almost say it made me proud ot be able to ignore it.

Hmmm.. it's very strange! I cant even understand it, but it's like when those little things go, thats when this comfort, this thing thats taken over is leaving, and thats when it's jsut me thats left, that its not soemthign else controlling me.

Haha, that was my little moment of wisdom!! Theres not many of those, so i should really cherish them!! :D

My upcoming week!

Ok, so my upcoming week looks a bit like this,

Tomorrow - Wednesday

My mum and sister are going to come and have dinner here at the Mando Clinic, and im gonna use my Mando meter.So looking forward to that, it's gonna be weird, but good weird!

Thursday

Im going to go home and have dinner home. That willbe very weird, as my two friends are going to have dinner with us aswell. So it's gonna  be weird t use my Mando meter, but im sure it will go fine!! Also what im wondering about is the food, how im gonna measure it up. :)I think it will go fine!

Friday

I get to sleep at home!! Yay!! Thats a really big step ,as i would only have been ehre for two weeks!! I get to go out after lunch, so i take my 3 o clock snack, dinner and my last snack at home!! hen i also have breakfast at home the next morning, but i'm back in for my ten oclock snack the next day. :( But still it'll be good! Im looking forward to it, but i wonder how i'll be, whether i'll try to get away with fropping food on the floor or not scraping the yoghurt pot or something!!Id ont know, i suppose we'll just hve to wait and see!!

Saturday

Well im back for my ten o clock snack,and hten i think thats it really!

Sunday

Sunday,we'll i dont know. But i thinkmy mum has ot fly back ot Ireland, to sort out our house and to drive back with my little puppy!! Im missing her very much!! But that will suck, she'll be gone for two weeks, and i dont think anyone else willcome and visit.and if things carry on going well i should be a day patient, but i cant od that if mums gone. :(

Thats how my days are looking!! :) SO they're pretty much good,as getting to go home is a really big thing!!

 <---- My puppy! Missing her terribly! X

Dont understand.

It's really weird, but i dont understand how "normal" people dont think about food all the time?! Like thats whats always on my mind, eveyrthing makes me think about it. Or weight, food and weight, there always on my mind. Like how does eveyrbody else go about their day and jsut eat something and not care? Like for me, whenever i get a chance i'll look in  a mirror and see whta i look like.Des my stomach bulge out, do i look fat in what im wearing? Does these jeans make my legs look thin? These type of things are always on my mind. It never goes away. Sometimes i think that you guys are so lucky, not thinking about thoses type of thigns and to be able tog o and buy a choclate bar and eat it and not feel guilty. For me, well i dont think it makes a difference if im able to eat choclate or not. Liek to eb honest, it is just fat in a square, not anyhting to be missed.

And yes, i know, i soudn shallow and stupid, but this is jsut whats on my mind. and i know it's not easy to understand an anorexics (If i even am that,i highly doubht it!) mind.

Trust nobody.

Urrgghhh.. i dont know what happened, but while i was having dinner, which was the horribl flesk, i suddenly realisied that i ahdno idea how they cooked the food, liek wha did they do? (I know how ot cook, but what i mean is) Did they put loads of oil in? Lots of butter on teh potatoes? Cream in the sauces?

Course they do? Or surely they do. They want us fat, its not enough to not move and eat six times a day, might as well jsut add all these fatty  ingredients to the food. Like i cant ask anybody, and when i told my mum that i was feeling like this. She was jsut like silent and hten ia sked her again and she was like, "I dont know, i haev nothign to compare it to." Great, she basically confirmed that they put oil and butter on everything. Thanxx mum. Now i officialy trust nobody, i dont even know if i want to eat the food anymore. :(

When i was little my bottles always had cream in them, and there was alot of butter and oil in my food to keep my weight up. and it kind of carried on liket hat until i was like 10 and stopped wanting that. nott hat i cared what i looked like. but id idnt have hte cream in my food that much. And let me tell you, i was a fat baby when i was little, so now im gonna go abck to that. I was like chubby and had all this fat on me. and now i know im gonna go back to that.

Like eveyrbody tells me im not gonna be fat, but what they see as fat is not the same as whta i see as fat. so of course in  ym eyes im gonna be fat. :(

It sux to be me.

X

No thanx.

Urrgghh... just fnished my rest. did i mention that, that here at the mando clinic you eat six times a day and have to rest for half an hour after breakfast,lunch and dinner. And no movement, we're not even allowed to stand. Most people are in wheelchairs. Im supposed to be in one too, but because of my lungs im allowed  small amount of movement.
  But today for lunch was it like burger. (ewww) it was horrible and now for dinner was it somehitng called flesk. I dont know it was meat anyway. all of us found it diffucult, it was all salty and eww.... :( Upset. I found it really diffucult. But al of us we like, is there no fish? we've already had meat.

But we dont seem to be able to say no, like they wont listen to us. and here, yup, you're not allowd to be vegetarian, you have to eat meat. Like WTF? and the last day, there was sausage and i told them, i dont like sausage, never have this isnt like an anorexic thing. But nope, they said, "it's wats ordered for you. you have to eat it." so i did eat it. and then the same thing with egg yesterday, i dont eat egg, it makes me feel sick, but they were like sorry we cant do anything about it. but it turned out the the egg was like on the side or somethign because i didnt get it. But we dont seem to eb allowed hates or dislikes. Its normal for people to nto like some types of food. but we dont have a say. Like ok, we dont eat some types of food, fine. but some food we jsut dont like, never have, never will sort of thing.Like i havent gotten to tell the dietitian about the food which id otn like. Liek sure there are things like choclate,pizza, burger, bread,butter,cream all junk food that sort of stuff but that i've already givent o my like carer and she's gonna work on those with me, but then there are things like ham, sausage, egg, mushroom which i dont like. and they're jsut hte normal foods, they aren't the fatty foods like chocate which im scared to eat.

Sorry, it's jsut that i was really pissed off. annoyed that we dont get a say, it's seriously like they're trying to punish us. 

  It's unfair.

Ok, going to go call my mum now, then aybe find some site which i cand ownload films, im thinking maybe sweeney Todd? We'll see!!

X

Back again.

Ok, so i know it's been ages. and to be honest, it's too much to write about. I'll try narrow it down..

Was in a pyschiatric hospital in ireland for about 6 weeks. im not so sure if i wrote a small thing about it. But anyway, it didnt work. And then as i was still losing weight i had to go ot a normal hospital for two weeks and have NG feeding which was absaloutly awful!! That didnt work either, so my mum took it upon herself to sort something else out. and that was to move back to Sweden, my mums hometown and where a i grew up. They have much  better healthcare. So even though the doctors advised mum that it wasnt a good idea as i was till underweight, my mum had made up her mind.
   So we flew o sweden adn things went fine. I was still alive!!! :) Then after a week, we got a time to meet with the swedish doctor. So that went ok. then after a couple of days we were called back in and i had to stay a night. but they were all like, "you havent eaten enough. you have to eat atleast another 1000 calories or something. or your gonna have to have NG feeding."So they wer like threatning me. Anyway i couldt eat that much and i was like, "No way, im NOT having NG." so i jsut went to bed. then hte next day we went down to the eating disorder clinic and i had to fill out these questionaire things and i ahd to have lunch.
  Then another week and half went by and then they finally called and said that i would ahev to be admitted. It was awful. Like what else had i expected, but it was like they had got a big bulldozer adn jsut knocked over my perfect bubble, the perfect world i had been living in. I had gone back to not eating anything and quickly losing weight!! Everything i wanted! So that was awful. so i came in adn they showed me around and i could jsut feel myself sinking back donw into a depression.
 But i wanted out so badley that i just started working at once, like eat all they gave me and that. Here at the clinic they use a thing calle da mando meter. Its like a weighing scae with this little cmputer attached. so it weighs the food and ten when you've measuered in the right amount while you eat the computer kind of tells you if you're eating too slow or too fast and it also asks you how full you are. so you ahev to ge thta right.
  And slowly byt he end of the week, i ahd done veyr well, eaten eveyrthing, at it doesnt seem to be like in the hospital in ireland where i did good and then started to realise that i could get away with small things like knocking foo off and not eating. here they are very strict, ike they see everything and you haev t o be very precise with the measurements. So byt he end of the week i wasnt jsut eating to get out of hospital, i was eating so i could get help so i could get better.

So everythings good, im hoping enxt weekend ill be alowed to sleep at home. But the process is gonna be long. i dont know how  long i'll be an inpatient for, not long im hoping and then im gonna be a day patient and then i'll have to visit every  6 months and hten every year and kind of like that.

I'd love to be a day-patient, but i still feel that if i was left alone, i wouldnt eat. so i know i need tog et over that before im  a day patient, for my own sake!!

Ok, so that was me trying to narrow down what has happened in the last three months, but of course there was ALOT more, but int he hospital in ireland iw asnt allowed a computer, but here i am. so i should be able to blog!! :)

Hoping that im inspiring you guys to get help, it was shit awful for me, but now i've dealt with the hospitals and all that for like 3 months and im jsut over tyring to refuse and for once i actauly want help. So it might eb awful at the start, but it will do you good! Like im stil lscared to go in weight, but im trying to look past it, and it seems to be working!!!

XXXX