Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

My days.

Ok, as im in hospital, my days go like this....

bedrest for an hour
Small break
bedrest for half an hour,
small break
bedrest (an hour),
small break
bedrest (half an hour),
maybe an hour or an hour and a half before i eat again.
bedrest (an hour),
Maybe 2 hours or something before i eat again.
bedrest (half hour)
 Yah, it's very, tiring and jam packed. I have like no time to myself. Because hte small breaks before i have to eat again are literally 30 mins to 45 mins. Like the max i go without eating is 2 hours? Thats friggin weird, like i suppose if i count the night, its 11 hours, but i once went 19 hours with out eating... and now.... well... i feel sick just thinking about it. :(

Emmm, for the main meals i have 45 minutes to eat. Because they know that if they have to make me eat it all... they'd be there all day. and then half an hour for the snacks.
  In hte first few weeks, i tried my best, but then, i suppose i realised that i didnt have to eat everything, like once the 45 minutes were up, that's it like. So then i suppose i stoped eating everything, stopped trying.
  Then in the next weeks, i realised that, the nurses cant actually force me to eat. Like there's a nurse with me for every meal (some are nice some arent, but i'll get into that later!! - i have some good stories!!-) and they sit there and say things like, "Go on, you're doing well. Or, You're not finished yet, eat that potato" and stuff like that, at first i listened to them and thought that when they told e to eat that chip or take another bite, tat  had to do it, but infact i dont. I can jsut sit there and tune them out. Which is in fact what i then started to do.

Like, ok my life is pretty shitty. But that still doesnt get me motivated to eat, i still want to lose weight. I'm just hoping that they're like, ok wel you don want help - because infact i dont. I dont think i'm anorexic, sure i watch my weight, but im not hte only one.- and we cant do anythign or you, and just let me out. I have feeling that that isnt going to happen though, but still... each week i hope that i've lost weight. Sure sometimes during hte week, im just like, fine, I dont care, if i gain weight, WTF? but thats just when i've had it tough, but at each weighing - once a week, when i've just gotten up and gone to the bathroom, in my nickers and bra [ thats your true weight, they told me] -

Ok, i forgot what i was writing about!

While i've been in hospital, i dont think i;ve ever cried as much! It's unbelieveable!! For a while, my eyes were like red and puffy, or so i think they were, there arent actually any mirrors in hte hospital. Only one, in the office, which you had to go and ask for, but someone else always had it, and then you had to go and try to track it down, so it was pretty useless. So i just had to make do with a small little mirror which i had with me.
  With my jam packed days, i hardly had any time to myself, because with the breaks which i did have, they would jsut fly by and then when i did get the hour or something before dinner, if i had visitors that would take up the time. So i didnt necessarily always have time for a shower, which did kinda gross me out, i did get to have a shower atleast every second day though, im not like unclean or anything. But anyway, my hair seemed to turn greasy quite quickly, no sure why, i've never had greasy hair. But some nurses, the mean ones, they would be like, "Have you had a shower?" I would nod or be like yes im having one tonight, or they would ask if i've washed my hair, im like thanx. I feel like shit already, no need to comment about my greasy hair. Like, well, done on boosting my self esteem!! :)
 I dont know.....

Im back.... for now!!

Ok, so its been what, nearly two months since i last wrote. I didnt bother reading over what my last post said, i was too eager to start writing again!! :) But basically, i've been in hospital. A rehab/ mental institute, whatveer you want to call it. I dont think it makes much difference.
 Ok, so im gonna try to do a brief summary of what has happened, since i alst wrote.
   So, my first week, well... i cant remember it that well.... it was soo long ago. Apparently i had been doing very well, putting the effort in. Even though it was a big shock!! I went from eating maybe a cereal bar and something small later in hte day, to having to have 3 main meals and 3 snacks. I cant remember what the snacks were, fortisip, i think. Very horrible. But that weekend i got to go out, for my sisters 16th. I had fun at that.
  Then the second week, i suppose went the same, i had time out. Which was very early, or so people told me, but i suppose they were right. But from there.... well it started going downhill, the next few weeks, i lost weight - which i seriously dont get how, a i was eating like 3 times as much as i would have at home and doing far less exercise, and also i was on supplements to get my weight up, but still nada.
  Then they started talking about an NG, which is nastral gastric - something like that - feeding, with the tube down your nose. I told them "no." but that week apparently i went down again, and i was at a "critical state" which i dont believe, i'm perfectly fine, like if they let me i would be out and about, doing my daily stuff, but as im in hospital, i cant. And then they're talking about me as if i cant do that stuff, which i can.
  But let me get back to where i was, the NG feeding, in the end i didnt have a choice in it. I just got shipped down to paediatrics and had a tube shoved down my nose. At that point i was like, i dont give a fuck anyway. I want to die. I wanted pain, and the thing is, i think im immune to pain. Like it felt weird, but not painful and hte needle which they needed to stick into my hand, didnt hurt. I was almost disappointed. I wanted pain. :(
  Ok, let me see... they're also talking about anti-depressants. Sure, im down and feel like shit, and really do feel like killling myself, but what do they expect? They shove food at me from every angle, i have no time to myself, i cant see my friends, my parents cant always make it in, i cant go out to town. Of course i feel like shit. But whatever, my parents are saying no, and it's not like i want more pills and meds. i'm on enough so basically im saying no aswell. But the doctors want me to go on them.

  Yah, in my next posts im gonna go over some specifics, try to remember each week, maybe some other details, but not in a long boring thing, or hopefully not a long boring thing!!