Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Attitude.

Ok so now my sister has an attitude towards me, it was like she wante ice-cream and i jsut said no. I dont want one and then mum got all pissed and she bought one for me and i had a bit of a tantrum, and then i was like im not eating dessert or something along the lines of that, and then my sister started crying, like i know she worries about her weight so i kno tis not easy for her, but seriously i cant take that into  account right now, i have to much to deal with, shes just gonna have to get over it.
  And then she saw my scars and was like WTF? who would want ot cut themselves, i jsut shouted at her to fuck off. Liek i cant deal with it.And shes all like pissy at me, just ignoring me and all this.I dunno.

And with my dad, hes like stereotyped me as a typical teenager, making all these remarks about discos and boys and make-up like it doesnt help that i have an ED,that just puts me into the category of dumb blonde (no offence) Urgh i cant stand him so basically i like have an attitude towards him. Not so good.

Checked da hospital out.

So today i went and checked out da hospital which im supposes to be admitted to. And to b honest, i have no idea what to expect or even think like i got a tour and asked some questions, but its jsut so weird, like has anyone read the book, "the summoning" by Kelley Armstrong, i feel like its gonna go a bit like that. It's just weird. :( I have no idea. And also you cant use the net or fone, which im not looking forward to. Like ok, internet fine, il live. But fone, :( No way, i need my fone, it has everything on it. And now also i dont think ill be able to charge my ipod as i have no computer. Kinda sucks. Not looking forward to it.

Sad?



all of my posts recently have been very sad and morbid, kinda wish i could change that, like smile or be happy. But i just dont feel it, i dont feel anythign apart from pain. Ok, stop right there, be happy. Let me see...

Ok try to be happy about tomorrow, im going to an award ceremony?
 Im not really looking forward to that, and then of course i haev to sit in the car with my dad, and i dont want him to be all like "Eat everything and xtra" when  we got out to eat afterwards. :(

But ill try to be postive.

Oh yah, today im going to go and see the hospital, which i might be admitted to. I have no idea what to expect? :o

X

No success.



I would seriously love to say, "Yes, i've gone a week with out purging." Like even though i havent been eating much i still seem to find time to purge, like not as much because it's not as easy to purge a small oat biscuit when you havent eaten for like 10 hours. But still, there's been no success. :(

Hair.

Ugh, my hair is a mess. Not that i ever exactly had great hair, but i had good enough hair, now it's like a grease bomb, it doesnt matter if i wash my hair  everyday, every second or even third day. It's still the same, i've even bought this hair stuff to make it shiny and less greasy, but it makes no difference, i suppose i just have to admit that it's the ED. Like if i saw my ED, i'd give it a good whacking for making ym hair  look this way. :(

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Ugh.

I feel awful i had a binge type thing today, it consisted of, a granola bar, 2 oat biscuits, 4 small weetabix. I think that was it. But i feel awful, that must have been the first time i've had lunch in a good while. :(
  I feel all fat now, and all this week i've just been like, ok, i have to exercise, im just at home i have no way of burning the calories, but i just havent had hte energy, i have been going on our exercise ball for maybe an hour and a half each day, and then i've gone for a small half our walk after diner with mum some days.
  But today cus i felt so shit i went for a 45 minute walk. God it liked killed me, i was soo tired, when i got back i just lay in the sun and felt my energy come back.
  Today though i have felt a tad bit more hungry, maybe that i will explain my binge, it's most probably 'cus ive been so bored. Had nothing to do, but i think i've done fairly well of putting eating off!

What i also find is that, instead of eating an apple or fruit or vegetable, which i know is healthy and that i should eat, i  jsut go, no, it has calories, isnt it just so much better to not eat, which means you get no calories?

I dunno.

X

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Dad. ;(

So today was the first time that i spoke to my dad, not willingly, he called and the first thing he said was, "so whats with this puking thing?" I jsut said "i dunno." Cus really i dont anymore, i couldnt tell you why or when or even how i first started, not that i could do it before but now eveyrthing is just to jumbled up and everybody is just on my back. My sister is avoiding me, not sure why whether she feels weird around me or what, the only conversation i have with my mum is about my weight and if i've eaten and ym dad, well i jsut want to ignore him. :/
 He doesnt understand it, he thinks its something i can jsut snap out of and think, "yum food!" Ewww, i cant even imagine myself saying that in the future, like 2o years from now, no way can i see myself saying that in twenty minutes
 And now as i have ym award ceremony on saturday i have to spend like 4hours in the car with him, im dreading it. My plan is to just put on the music and avoid everything, no matter what people say to me.
 Hurh.

During he phone call he kept on jsut blabbering on about it, and i couldnt stop crying, at one point i jsut took the phone from my ear and jsut lay there crying. I feel like everyone who knows about this thinks im stupid. And that i should get over myself. :/

My days are just getting worse.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Nothing.

Ok, so nothing happened today. I have to be at home for the week. Kinda boring i suppose as i had just spent two weeks at home for my Easter break. But gonna try to fit in plenty of exercise.

So i might not write for a while, i dont have much to say really.

X

Monday, April 12, 2010

Today was stupid.

Lovely weather today!!



So today, first day in school, got no sleep yesterday, but whatever i was kind of excited to get back to school, to see my friends, and i only had a half day anyway as i was going to see the doctors.
 I felt fine, still do. But i met with the dietitian today, and she did my BMI and asked some questions and all that. The norm. But then i was told that my weight wasnt good enough and that they didnt think i could do this on y own. I was like WHAT? I'm not that thin, your making a big deal out of nothing. So really i should have been admitted today, but i have an award ceremony coming up on Saturday, so they said next Monday. Like for this week im not even sure if im allowed to school?? Like, wat?
  And they were like this week, you really have to eat, try to gain some weight. Basically my answer is no. I aint gonna do nothing bout my weight this week. This week if anything i want to lose weight, like im gonna go to hospital anyway, so why the fuck should i start to gain weight.
 Urrrgghh they're talking about 4-6 weeks? They jsut said it's ok to put school on hold, that this is my health. But whatever. i dont get what's going through their minds, im fine. I climbed a frickin mountain yesterday. Apparently that was  a stupid thing to do and that i could have had a heart attack, but i dont get it.

It's just a bunch of bull shit.

X
 

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Dinner

As i said before, i have to be watched for an hour after each meal, but today once i realised that i wasnt, i ran up to my room, and yesterday i had brought up these cup things. Very disgusting yes, but i dont think of it that way. But once i realised i wasnt being watched i ran to ym room and started puking, but before  hand i didnt even think about puking but it was when i realised i could, that i did. :(
 So not the greatest day.

Also, mum wants me to start taking these calorie drinks to up my calorie intake, i jsut "no." but then she started going on about how i wasnt doing my best and all this shit. So i took a couple of sips, and up to my room i went and poured it into the pot. They are impossible to puke, so i prefer to try to just pour them down the drain than waste energy trying to puke them. I feel kinda bad.

X

After the mountain trek

Ok, so im alive!! Thats a good thing, but soo tried, and my whole body aches!! :)
 The mountain trek went alright, uphill was bloody hard, i stopped every twp minutes, and when we reached the top we just lay down for like half a hour, then mum saw my scars, and she asked me about them, i lied, which is not a very good thing, - told her it was my dog - but then she was like,  i dont think that the dog did that, she then said i think you've been cutting yourself, i didnt reply, that was good enough for her.
  The walk down was good, i had lots of energy, my mum on the other hand, didnt quite!!
 We walked, 11.7KM!! Very proud, my body aches ALOT, though.

The bad thing though is that im sunburnt, my face is. What a good look going back to school. :( It sucks big time.
 Not quite looking forward to tomoorw, not that iw as looking forward to it before anyway!!

X

Dont have anorexia.

I dont haev anorexia, and i know it. Ok im conscious about what i eat,t hat doesnt make me anorexic. I think me and everyone else is just making a big deal out of nothing, im most probably just an attention seeker. - Somewhere in my mind i dont know, i think i do have anorexia (that just proves that i am an attention seeker) but tis the fact that i started to puke before hand, thinking i was bulimic, and i didnt want people to know, but i think that was merely because i thought they'd be cross. - Urgghhh, what am i upset now, because i dont have it? Well its a bloody good thing.



Urgh.

Mountain climbing!



So we dont really have any plans for today, was just gonna relax as tomorrow its back to school, i do only have a half day though as im going to the hospital!! Hihi!!
  But i asked mum if we could go for a walk, get some exercise in, and now it turns out that as its such a nice day that we're gonna go climb a mountain, after horse riding? (I mean we went horse riding yesterday and i is in pain!!) But yah, i suppose it will work my body, thats gotta be some exercise??
 I've climbed the mountain 3 times before, first time, it was a nice day, second time had just had a sleepover, was up all night and then after climbing the mountain i did a two hour dance class, but i was healthy back then and the third time it was shit weather, we had to sprint across the top, as there was no shelter and it was pissing down with rain! It kinda sucked, but today should be good. But i know i dont have as much energy so it might take  longer, instead of two hours, it might take five!! :D
  We'll see how it goes!!

X

Yesterday - Saturday 10th April

So yesterday, my morning was pretty shit. I was all bloated and looked like a complete whale, and instead of actually getting up and exercising which i wanted to do but had no energy i first start to cut myself, i then lay on the ground and put music on in. I was sooo cold, cus the heating wasnt on and cold air was comping up through the holes - lines between the wood - but that almost made it more fun, because it made me feel all col, like that was my punishment for eating.
  Emmm, but then i kind of picked up. I wanted to study, as tomorrow im back in school. But i couldnt, my mind would let me.


Also yesterday i went for a trek - horse riding - i've gone horse riding before but i was so little that i could hardly remember it. At first i was kinda scared/nervous. But it was good fun, my horse - Rocky - the one i got to borrow was kind of cheeky, he kept leaning forward nearly making me fall off. It was good fun, but the trotting hurt like hell, each time i went down it hurt so much in my chest, for a while it was hard for me to breathe, but i just kind of ignored it.
  I could feel the pain in my ass, and shoulders but ti was bearable. Today however, my ass hurts soo much. It's hard to walk or even sit, but once again i quite like the physical pain. :)
 I'm gonna start lessons, see if i want to carry on or not. :):)

Yesterday also for dinner, i was soo hungry that i didn't even think about puking, which i suppose is good, but i ate at like 9pm, which i dont like. I think its better to not eat at all then eat late, but i suppose it just turned out like that. ....

I think that's it, for now anyway!!

X

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I hate my body.

I hate my body, i hate my body, i hate my body, i hate it.
  I've gained soo much weight i know it. And you can like see it on my stomach. I jsut want to cut it out, i hate it.
 I want surgery to get rid of it. :(

Ugghhh why is life so shit. Why do we even care about weight? We're just gonna die anyway. So why dont they just stop going at me, and let me eat nothing if i want, and purge, like why the fuck does it matter to them?
 I'lll die from obesity if they carry on like this.
  Or maybe from cutting, cus thats all i feel like doing, purging and cutting. :(

Life really does suck. Im sorry, this cant be the best post to read, but i really feel shit. :(

Friday, April 9, 2010

Friday - 9th April.

So today i went into town with some friends, we were gonna see a film, but we didnt have enough time so we jsut did a bit of shopping. I got.... shorts and leggings, only 'cus i was too warm, so i changed into them!!
  Emmm, my friends wanted to go to McDonalds, but i just asked them if we could go somewhere else, they agreed so we went to a small cafe for lunch, alot nicer than McDonald's!!
 
Emmm, apart from that nothing. Well it was actually really hard hiding my scars, it was soo warm today and i wanted to take off my jumper, but i couldnt and then i couldnt roll up my sleeves either.
 Also, it was really weird, i cant remember what we were talking about but my friend ended up going, "Cutting isnt the way, thats not what you should do. You emo." I just laughed, trying to shake it off all the while thinking in my head, but you dont get it, the cutting made me feel good, better. But i know i was blushing, trying to hide the fact that i cut.

Emmm, oh today after dinner, i need someone with me for an hour afterward, but today it was only like 30 mins and i just snuck off to my room and before i could think about it, i had brought up a pot and was puking in to it. :/
 Not such good progress, but i didnt even think about it. ??

X

Today.

So feeling better today, alot! No cutting last night, i think i'll only do it when i want to get the pain out, like id didnt even feel like doing it, which i suppose is good.

So im gonna go into town with my friends today, see a film!! :):)

X

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Today.

So yesterday sucked big time. My arm is kinda tingling and i can feel the pain of it now. Great. :/
 I had plans today to go into town with friends and see a film, but i just wasnt up to it, i felt all depressed and down, didnt even want to get up, was still pissed at mum, but i got over it.

So today, i dont know, something clicked inside of me, and i just went upstairs and cleaned my room and rearranged it. It feels quite nice, as if i am moving on, but i still dont want to. :/
  And then i danced, lots! And then studied and then danced again, then cleaned, my day has gone like that, cleaning, dancing and trying to study. Im just too tired to study, not to dance though!! Haha, good work out.
 I must have danced like 2 hours in total or something, but now im WAAAAYYY to tired, i was just lying in bed, i would be half asleep and then wake up and that carried on for a while, then i decided to update you guys.

Emmm, yah thats pretty much it.
 My friends are great though, i just told them i had some stuff to deal with and was feeling ired what with all the travelling back and forth to hospitals, they were so sweet and we arranged to go tomorrow instead. I luve them to bits!! But not enough to tell them about this.

Ok, im going to go and read now, finished my book today, it was very good so going to go onto the second now!! :D

X

Cut

So yesterday, well i had been doing fine, kinda tired i suppose. And i was thinking, yay, nearly two days purge free, but that was only 'cus i hadnt had the chance or time. But still, two days. But then i jsut... i dont  know, i felt fat and horrible and i jsut went and purged. It was mainly acid, it burned like fuck, but it jsut felt so much better. I didnt feel lighter and my mind wasnt giving up about how hi had eaten, but i just felt slightly better.
  But then mum decided it was time to tell my dad. I dont know what she said to him, she called him, and that kind of brought on its own emotions, it was starting to stir something up inside of me, but then for dinner i actually couldnt eat anymore, after a couple of bites, because mum had made me get a snack, so i got these like rice snack things, and that was only what 2-3 hours before hand. I dont eat all the time like that.
  But then i was thirsty so i got some water and mum was like, "I dont think you should drink that much after dinner." I just flipped her off and jsu sat there but then my sister asked "why?" and mum began to tell her. That really set something off inside of me. I stormed off and went to my room. I just plugged really loud music in and before i knew it i was crying. Just everything was taking over, my mind wouldnt shut up about how fat i looked and that i should make more of an effort to eat less and purge more. So jsut everything got ot me, i dont know how long i cried for, but soon mum came up and she was talking to me, but inside of me all i was thinking was "I dont give a fck what you say to me, you're a traitor and i dont actually give a shit." I still feel the same way now. Really depressed and down. But she asked me how i was feeling and if i'd go to sleep, i jsut nodded, knowing i'd do no such thing. Once she left i decided to find the sharpest thing i could find. That was an earring.
  But the thing is that i just dont give a fuck about life. Its just bullshit, it just gets worse and at hte moment i cant deal with it getting worse. I thought it was ind of stupid, why would i cut myself, but i decided to give it a go. With the earring at first i was just scraping the skin, but then i slowly found more sharp objects and at last a compass. And you know what i didnt efel anything, no pain, no nothing. It actually took the pain from inside away, it took the shouting of my mind away. It was nice, i just focused on the movement of the compass, it was a nice buzzing feeling. I felt light and hyper afterwards, but that soon wore off and i fell asleep. It was only during the night i start to feel the pain of it. I can still feel it now, it's hard to do anything, even typing hurts but i have to act normal i cant let mum find out. I'm not so sure what i'll do to hide the scars, but it just felt so nice. I now feel like i'l get addicted to this. Im dreading someone finding out, in school or something. :/
  ...... it's just a nice feeling.

But i would advice not to do the same as me. Im just writing about how im dealing with stuff and getting on, but dont try nay of it, apart from the telling of someone, if you purge.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fuck everyone and everything. Fuck life.

Life is bunch of bullshit.

Why?

Why do i want to puke so badly?

Homeopath.

Ok, so today at the homeopath it was kind of weir. Like she kept asking me questions and all that, but then she started to get me to describe things, and i was like, i cant describe them anymore than i already have. :/
 And she kept coming back to some things i said and wanting mroe detail and i was like, WTF, i've told you everything.
 We talked for like two hours, i dont necessarily want to go back again, but i have to. :(

I went swimming today, or for like 15 minutes, the rest of hte time i spent in hte jacuzzi and sauna!! Hehe.
 But i like didnt have any energy. :/

Ok, thats it for now.

X

does dieting work?

Ok, so i always new that dieting never worked,  because at first you'd start to lose the weight, and then you'd be proud and maybe eat a bit more and then more and more and before you know it you've regained your same old weight and more. So i knew that. And i kinda get it now, because sometime i feel the urge to eat, like jsut stuff myself, but it's an urge i usually dont give in, but if i do i go and purge it all and then comes the beating up of the mind, my mind would like tell me off for how stupid i was and then the next day i might jsut go on water or something, but my like binge, would be a binge of fruit or maybe cereal bars.... oh cereal bars, they sound good right now!! Hehe!!

X

Homeopath.

Ok, so going to see a homeopath today, gonna get something to get me back to balance. Like WTF? but whatever, it's mums idea, and i cant say no.

Ok, thats it. If we get  a call were also going to have to go to the dietitian, i kinda hope not though, 'cus otherwise we're gonna go swimming and i really want to exercise more!!!!

X

Yesterday

Ok so i went to the doctors yesterday, it went alright like we talked and all that, but then for my like task thing someone has to spend an hour with me after every meal. :/
 Its ridiculous, i cant even go to the bathroom, and also, i was supposed to have someone with me during school but i made it very clear that i dont puke in school, i do have some standards, and not like i'd get time, so mum let me slip with the school thing, which is good 'cus i dont need my mum everywhere i go.:/
 Emmm, they also need to tell my dad, legally. i dont get it, so much for the, "no one else needs to know, it will only be us." speech my mum told me. I hardly want her to know. [Dont worry im not gonna go off on a rant why my dad cant know im pretty sure i'v done enough of those.]

She also told me that if i dont start eating im on  a very bad road, like heading towards death, but right now, i dont really care about death, it's something going to happen to all of us sometime.
  And she said she'd give me a week or two and if i havent improved im going into.... [bum,bum,bum,buuum] hospital. Yah, not so great but i just dont feel the urge or need to eat, like now that i cant puke i want to eat less than ever, jsut to make up for it, and exercise like crazy. Im actually going swimming today, or hopefully, if i dont have to go see the dietitian, she's supposed to be one tough cookie. I hope not, i cant deal wtih anyone being tough on me, i feel so fragile at the moment, like one word could break me.
  
Im actually feeling very sorry for my mum, this is not the best time financially and now she hardly has any time for work as she's just driving me about like a chauffeur but unfortunately, its not to the malls.:/

Yesterday when i got back was pretty tough with the eating, it was horrible, i felt so fat and ugly and once i was allowed to be on my own i actually wondered whether i should try to make myself sick, but i decided against it [after like half an hour of just sitting] not wanting to ruin my days progress. :/

I think that's it for now.

X

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Going to see the psychiatrist again today.

So today im going into to see the psychiatrist, she's gonna look at my food diary today, not so sure what she'll say! Hmmm, yah  i think that's it, i suppose i'll write later about what i did and how it went and all that, but was us going to inform you all that i was going, yes indeed!!

X

Thoughts



My mum is always prattling on about how i have alot of thoughts and may only be doing this because of my thoughts and that i should think about what im thinking about. (does that make sense?) But to be totally honest, i dont actually have any thoughts anymore, my mind is controlled by the ED,like if someone were to ask me what im thinking about, the truth would be that im counting back what i ate that day or the calories i've calculated so far, or thinking about how horrible i feel because i've eaten. :/ So really it's not my mind anymore.

And, yes i know in my own way my mind is kind of fucked up, because all i think about is weight, but its not like i do rugs,drink or smoke so im not that bad, but sometimes i can have really bad thoughts, like suicidal thoughts, but then i think about how that would affect mum like she finds it hard enough to cope with me now and my anorexia but then to have to deal with me gone altogether would kill her and also as both her parents died when she was really young, it would be like everyone around her is like drifting away......
 So that kind of stops me from actually doing anything.

Also what i find im doing alot more now,is like just standing around, i dont even see how i have the energy to do that. But it's been many occasions when i'll just stand in a room and stare off into space not thinking bout anything at all, i go into like a daze, and i dont even realize when someone says my name.

Not to tell.

Ok, so basically i've found that there are a couple of things you should never tell a person with an ED, gottit?

*Dont tell them that they are looking thin
*Dont tell them that they are looking fat.
*Dont tell them their weight
* Or their BMI
*actually stay away from numbers.


If you say these type of things it can set of triggers, its like giving a recovering alcoholic a drink because they've been doing so well. Nope, it doesnt work that way.


BTW, im sure there are more things, i had a list of them in my head, but forgot them, so i might come back and finish the list!!

X

Monday, April 5, 2010

Telling someone



My mum was all like, this will be between us and we dont need to tell anyone, but now she's all like, "Oh we should tell your dad and your sister." Yah right, fuck off, basically, it's weird enough having her know, i dont need my dad knowing and my sister is friggin annoying enough as it is, she's gonna look at me completely differently, i dont want to be treated differently because of this. This is just an obstacle something i went through. I dont need anybody else knowing, it's just gonna be something that happened.

But she's like she doesnt want them worrying and that they'll find out. Well they'll fucking come to me if they're so friggin worried. But my dad will most probably find out as the sink is blocked, (shit.) so yah. But still i'll try to avoid him knowing, he doesnt need to know. Like it hurts me to see how mum is dealing with this, she's put off work for me because she's worried and now she needs to drive me to the hospital all the time, i can see how it affects mum and i wish that she didnt know, that if only i could have dealt with this on my own and she also likes to throw things in that are obviously meant for me, like, "you cant do fun things if you're not well." or "You have to take acre of yourself for good things to happen." Its obvious that they're meant for me, but i just look past it.
  And dad well i've written before about him knowing he's the one who's always trying to get me to eat. So he cant know. But whatever im sure mum will tell him, i think i'll just avoid them all.:/


*Sorry for the cursing.

X
 

Success?



Nah, i would love to say that this week had been a success and that i hadnt purged and that i had eaten healthily, but yet again, this week was another let down.
  Hopefully This week will be better, (it's weird inside of me im almost hoping that it isnt, because somewhere i dont want to give this up, but im trying to ignore that part and look at the positive or look at it the right way that i need tog et better. The way i see food or my body hasnt changed, i still hate eating and hate the way i look, but hopefully, [or what im trying to see as hopefully] that will just pass.)

X

My Triggers. (If you have an ED, i wouldn't advice you to read.)

I think my triggers are when people like dont eat very much, like if they've decided to cut down or dont eat lunch then i feel i cant eat lunch, kind of like, if they can watch their weight and dont eat lunch and nobody says anything, then why cant i do the same. It's like something in my mind clicks and says, look, their watching their weight you should do the same, you're so fat.
  Of course i listen each time and then that's when i eat practically nothing, and also another trigger is when people start to exercise more. Like whenever something is mentioned like, "Oh this is great for weight loss." or "I just went for an hours walk." I suddenly get the urge to go for an hours walk or a two hours walk.
  I dont know what it is, but like i feel like i have to be the one who's thin. I dont know.
 Another trigger i think is when someone compliments me, and tells me i look thin, instead of being like, "Oh thanx" my mind starts to think of a new way to lose even more weight. So basically im really fucked, because those come up kinda often.


Easter.



Yes, another Easter post, it's because it's the only thing on our minds, or my mind, the chocolate the fat, im just not into it. :/
 So it was Easter yesterday, i didnt have any breakfast, only an orange knowing that there would be quite a bit of food that day.
  Then i had to go to mass and after that i just took like the ear off my bunny with a bit of tea and then i didnt have dinner until like five. And i wasnt hungry but then for dinner i was like stuffed, even though i'd only had a little bit and then my dad made me eat a bit this cake and the cake was nice but when you're stuffed and dont want to eat and someone  makes you, well that don o down well, because i went and purged.:/
  And then of course, the sink gets blocked. I'm like, "Shit, im totally fucked now." My dad is going to find out and im gonna be in soo much trouble, i think i'll just avoid seeing hi for a while. He keeps wanting to talk to me, but i feel like i cant and he's like, "You know you can talk to me about anything, is there anything on your mind or bothering you?" I just shake my head and try to avoid anymore conversations like that, i can barely face the fact that mum knows im hardly gonna have the guy who forces me to eat know that i hate eating and try to do everything to avoid it. But im really nervous, in case he does find out. Urrrggghhh i just know im in trouble.

Did anyone else have a good Easter? Get any chocolate eggs?

X

Havent written

Sorry, i havent written in what, 2-3 days!! Gosh, on no!! Haha, no i bet your glad that you had a break from my rants and my annoying blogs!! Haha, all my followers have left!! Lol, no. But my internet was down so couldnt get on. :/ I had lots of things to write about but i forgot about most of them. :/
  Im sure i'll remember them in time!!

X

Friday, April 2, 2010

Thrill

I get like a thirll from purging, it might be the fact that my mum thinks that im not, (or thats what i think anyway) or the fact that it's getting harder to purge, i have to be like extra sneaky so maybe all that combined gives me a thrill now. I dont know what it is, it might also be the fact that everybody (as in my mum and the doctors) thinks i want ot give it up and i do, but now i feel like its 80% of me doesnt, that i cant. and 20% knows that i can give it up ad wants too. So maybe also that.

So, not doing the greatest with no purging thing, urrrgghhh... i feel crap, today i had like 2bowls of rice. :O Omg, i wud never eat that much, i feel like a fat cow now, (sorry, i know thats really offensive, but im writing ti as i see it.) and i totally feel like puring, (already have,) it's awful. So much for my drinking diet. :/

X

Junk food.




Ok, so i was out in town with my sisters yesterday doing a bit of shopping, and they find that once you're out and in town its ok to go and get lots of junk food, not that they really care about it anyway. But like they bought chocolate and ice-cream and all this shit and they told me to eat it, and like i didnt want to get into an argument with them, but each bite i took of it just made me feel really sick, like the ice-cream, it must have been months since i last had ice-cream, i only got a small one though and the chocolate first time in weeks, i didnt eat it all took like a bite and then stuffed it away.
  But still, i wish i could just get over it and be the same, like oh yah t's fine to have  a packet crisps now. But then, in a way, i dont want to get over it, i want to stay this way and just wish that my whole family wouldnt pressurize me to eat, like i think it's fine to be health conscious, and be worried about your weight, so why is everybody making such a big deal out of it?

The good thing is that i havent really purged, not really, sometimes after dinner, but everyone is everywhere so i havent really got any peace, which almost makes me want to purge more.

Today though i dont want to eat like anything 'cus of yesterday, i think i'll just drink. But drinking loads makes you bloat doesn't it? And once i start to bloat my mind goes crazy telling me im waaayy to fat, so i try to avoid bloating.

Ok, i think that's it, im gonna start my drinking diet today!! hehe

Oh,  and happy Good Friday, can you say that?

X