Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Going to rant! (Stay away!)



oK, so now, my sister keeps saying, "Oh, i want hot choclate with marsh mallows and cream" Oh i want "choclate," "crisps," all this shit and im just like, For fucks sake, Easter is only in a  couple of days, so wait until then. Like, i dont say any of that because there's no point but i find it hard to control myself anymore. Like im revolted, repulsed by those type of things not at all looking forward to Easter. But whatever, like take a fruit if you're hungry. But i should get over myself, i eat like nothing, i used to be like that, wanting crisps and hot chocolate and all this junk food, now im repulsed. Sometimes i wish that i could just eat a chocolate and not feel guilty, not want to lock myself in the bathroom and get rid of it all.
  Im sorry it's late and im tired, not used to being up this late, i have no energy so go to bed quite early for my age! hehe.

Ok, thats the end up my rant!!

Nite, Y'all!!

X

Wants to eat but yet doesnt.






                                                   ???

It's weird, like i feel like eating, but yet i dont. Like my stomach is telling me to go and get something eat but my mind is telling me no, you're not hungry. So it's a kind of battle goin on. Like i do feel that i should eat something but my mind keeps telling me no, so like i cant. Because i keep going back, seeing what i've eaten today, counting the calories seeing if i should allow myself to eat that apple. I dont think i will, my mind has too much control over what i eat.

X

Like everyone has it.

I'm really quite paranoid, every time someone goes to the bathroom i think that they'll either find some remains of my last purge or they're gong in there to purge. It's so weird and confusing, like why would all of  sudden everyone be purging?

Hurh, it's all weird. I have like no control over my life anymore, i have no say over anything. All the pills and medicine i have o take, i cant complain about it ,i have to just take it. I have no say in where we're gonna go, what we're gonna do. I hardly control my life, and the little part that i do control is controlled by my ED.

I feel useless and not wanted, i feel unloved, just a shadow, nobody ever notices me unless it's because they're commenting that im not eating. Like WTF, they never notice me, but they notice that i dont eat. Well that's just fucking unfair. Sorry, i really am an attention seeking drama queen.

I think maybe, maybe that's why im like this, i wanted attention. :/ But.... Urgghhh, everything is driving me insane!!

Im gonna stop writing now or i will go into  flat out rant and just complain about every little thing that bugs me, which might be a good thing, but it's not something which you, my patient followers want to read about, so i'll wallow in my own time and whatever!!

X

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I feel like imbeing watched. :/



Im like totally paranoid, i feel like there's  camera on me where ever i go. I've even started checking things like cupboards or little holes where a camera could be hidden. I think it's because i've gone back down the secrecy road. I'm still purging and im tying to hide it even more, not wanting my mum or anyone else to know. But i now feel like everyone is on my case like they know what's going on.
 Im going crazy!!

X

I miss fruit.



Why i'm writing about this i dont know but i actually dont have much to do, im like a shadow, a ghost just flitting about the house, unseen. Which is good but just cus im unseen doesnt mean that im not heard, as in i cant purge. The house is all echoey and everyone is just everywhere, i feel all weird i feel i need to purge i dont feel normal with the food in my stomach. (the food is, four goujouns) my diner.
  
But theres no fruit in the house.:/ I miss it, LOTS. Thats like my food, cereal bars and fruit. Thats what i like to call my fruit, its off limits!! Haha!
  It's very annoying, but for most kids it would be chocolate or their packet of biscuits and they're all upset cus it's all gone, for me its fruit. Its something which i know is safe and not alot of calories, so its safe to eat.
  I was always told when i was little to eat fruit and drink water, and i ever did, but now that's like all i eat, fruit, fruit and more fruit and bottles and bottles of water to go with it.  Of course i do have to eat dinner, but that doesnt always go down so well.

Emmm... i think that's it for now.... but i'll be back writing about some useless crap which i want to write about!! :D

X

Family



I just thought that i'd write it now because in about five minutes i'll be thinking the exact opposite, but i really love my family. No matter how much they annoy me and dont get me and wont leave me alone i really do love them.
  Like none of them know about my anorexia only my mum knows, so sometimes they'll comment about how little i'm eating and all this shit, but i just look past it, like its been too long for me for it to bother me.

But yes, it's quite a nice feeling!!
  Haha!!

X

Monday, March 29, 2010

Rumours



Emmm, today at the psychiatrist or whatever she was, i saw this girl that i kinda know. Like she's in my class and that, but i dont know her know her. When she walked in i just kinda coward in my seat not wanting her to see me, im sure she was doing the same thing like thinking "dont see me, dont see me." cus we were at a mental hospital. it was really weird, like i wouldn't say she'd say anything but if i ever do something to piss her off, she can just be like, "Oh yes, i saw her at a mental hospital. That crazy girl!" Actually i just realized when i wrote that that she cant really do that, 'cus then she'd obviously have been in a mental hospital. But apparently Anorexia is a mental illness!! Great, im mental!!
  Actually while i was there, the nurse or someone kept like checking in on us, i felt as if she was just waiting for me to jump up and start screaming, i know anorexia is nothing like that, im not crazy its just something going on in my head, but still it was weird it was like they were waiting for me to do something so they could strap me to a bed!!


Tuh.

X


Went to see a psychiatrist today.





Or i think that's what she is. So i talked to her, it was ok kinda weird. She was nice though, she just asked me the basics kinda like if i had any reasons why i started purging or whatever, she came to the conclusion that it might be that i have no control and i think thats partly true i've never really had control over my life, ive always been told what to do. By everyone never really been independent, so im gonna start to take more responsibility, which im kinda worried about, in a way. Its not like i was ever babied maybe by my dad but not by my mum but it;s just i've never had a say in things, im the youngest so i just have to go with it and with food i never got to say what i wanted to eat or what i didnt want to eat, like even if i didn't like the food i'd still have to eat it. So i think thats partly true.

But instead of Bulimia, i was diagnosed with Anorexia, the purging is just part of the anorexia. Apparently a bulimic is someone who eats loads of fatty high in calorie things and eats quite alot and then purging is a way for them to get rid of it.
  So yah i should change the title, im not sure i if can do that??

Today what she did say though was that wanting to give it up is like half of the struggle, or the battle, but i almost feel that i dont want to give it up. It's weird i feel like i cant, like its not my choice. I havent told her that, im going to though, next week. I have to see her every week, and im going to keep a food diary for this week, record what i eat (have to be totalli honest cus sometime i tell my mum that i eat when in fact i dont so with the diary i will put down exactly what i eat) cus even though i dont want to give it up i want help. So...






Yah, i'll keep all of you updated as i go along.

X

Lost weight.



I'm sorry this might trigger someone, so maybe you shouldnt read any further but today i went into the hospital and i got weighed. and it turns out that i lost weight, and while everyone else frowns upon it im actually smiling, and just thinking how proud i am of that. Like i know it's wrong but i cant help it. I lost 2kg in a month!! :):)
  Ok dont put smileys there they're no necessary, but finding out that i've lost weight just makes me less eager to stop i want to carry on now and keep losing weight. So maybe finding that out doesnt help.

But im telling you just 'cus i've lost weight, dont enter this trap, it's just gonna rule your world, so exercise to lose the weight not purging.

But yay!! I know its wrong. :/  Urrrggghhh everyone else can be happy that they lost weight but i have to celebrate on my own, by eating less!! Yay!!

Obsessing bout other peoples food.

I dont know, even though i seem to have control over what i eat, like i'll be the one in charge of it. Like for breakfast i'll take as little or as much as i want, and same for my lunch like maybe not dinner though.

But i find that i'll obsess over what other people eat, i think i've all ready written about this. Like if someone takes two portions of food im just like "eww" and try and not let that show, and if people want like two chocolates or like ice-cream and crisps it just repulses me, but i try to not let it show.

I'm sorry for writing bout that, i just thought that i'd write it. Maybe if anyone else feels hte same way?

X

Goin from luvin Easter to hatin it n less than a year.

     --->  





As the title says, i've gone from Luvin Easter to hatin it in less than a year.
  Last year i was totalli excited about Easter all the chocolate i'd get to eat. Now im repulsed by it and just want to go away from it i want no Easter eggs no chocolate no big dinner i want nothing to do with it.
 But ofcourse i do. So my mum bought loads of eggs and i asked her bout it and i was like, there not all for us(me and my sister)? and she got totalli cross at me, knowing that i hate (Yes, i dont like chocolate i hate the very idea of it. Like if someone gave me a bar i'd take a bite and save [i.e throw it away or give it to someone later] it for later. [Yes, some people call me weird]) chocolate. But yah, so she made us choose one from the pile, secretly i had looked at the calories before so i chose the one with the least. :/ Hehe.
  But today we went shopping and she was like, go on, chose another egg, i just told her i was happy with the small one i already had, but then she was like, oh no, i think im gonna give those away. I smiled, i was like yes!! At least we wont have like 4 easter eggs left over for us to eat. But anyway i choose another one, (a white [ thats my fav. out of them] chocolate bunny) and im kinda glad, like he looks yummy, but i still dont want to eat him!
  But now my mum is planning to not give away the ones we already have. Gross, that means that there is more for us, like usually i'd be happy but no, im like Ewww....

How could all of this changed?

x
 

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I feel i've been doing better.

 Sorry for the picture. :#


I feel i have been doing better with the no purging. But it might be the fact that i've hardly been eating much. Like breakfast is maybe a cup of tea and a fruit ad that could be from 8am - 12pm and then lunch, it would either be a salad, fruit salad or just a fruit or two and that could b at maybe 2pm-4pm and then dinner well this depends as i've written before my mum has been doing alot more cooking so im not really sure what im having for dinner, i've been trying to get her to jsut do something like a lentil soup or even just a salad, but she says that dinner is the one thing that i should actually eat. But i hardly eat that, unless its nice and im really hungry. But hten i would usually end up purging so im limiting myself to what im eating so i'll stop the purging.
  Like ok, i have purged, but i've been doing better, which i suppose is an improvement. :?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

No energy.





I have like no energy. Im like a walking dead person. Usually in school i could go the whole week (going to bed at like 10.30pm - 11pm and waking up at 7am) and of course i'd be tired and all that but i'd make it. But now, by Wednesday i was shit tired. and like my sleeping patterns have changed i've ben going to bed at like 9pm- 9.30pm and waking up at 7.15am so like im getting more sleep but im still more tired. Huh... downfall.
  I am trying my best but i suppose my best isnt good enough as nothing has really changed, in a positive way, every change has been negative.
 
I'm going to go talk to a doctor or some physcicologist on Monday. Which is good i suppose.:/



Hmmm.... ohh, my immune system is like shit. I have a really bad cough, it's not helping me sleep much. Gonna have to get this checked out incase it gets worse, and my immune system cant fight it off. Im sure i'll be fine though!



Ohhh, today, i was speaking to my dad and he was like "are you eating?" I just told him yes and then he started going on about, "oh now hat you're off school you can have five cakes a day." I was like ewww... i just laughed and tried to not make a big deal of how horrible that sounded, having 5 cakes a day? like gross. And let me remind you, he doesnt know about my bulimia, he's most probably figured that i dont eat as much, hence anorexia. But still.... how times have changed i would have smiled at the thought of having five cakes a day. :/

Friday, March 26, 2010

My BMI - if numbers trigger purges, dont read!!


Your BMI result is: 11.85
Your weight is in the range that is classified as underweight.

Overview

It could be that you eat a varied and well-balanced diet but are naturally very slim. If so, there is no need to change what you eat, but do make sure you are getting all the energy and nutrients you need to stay healthy and maintain your energy levels. If you would like to gain weight read our article Do you need to gain weight?
You should not try to lose any weight. Weight loss offers you no health benefits. If you are restricting your food intake to achieve thinness you are at risk of nutritional deficiencies and ill health, because being too thin increases your chance of developing health problems such as osteoporosis (brittle bones). If you regularly make yourself sick, take laxatives or diuretics as a means of weight control, you should seek medical attention immediately. If you lose weight suddenly or for an unknown reason you should also see your doctor.
Although BMI gives us some idea of the health risk associated with being a certain weight for your height, it's just an approximate means of assessing body fat and risk to health. It doesnt allow for weight from muscle - for example if you're an athlete or very muscular you will have a high BMI even if you have a healthy level of body fat. It's also not accurate for women who are pregnant or breastfeeding, the very young or very old, the extremes of the normal range of shape, nor does it allow for medical conditions which affect height or shape.
Recommended BMI Chart
UnderweightBMI less than 18.5
IdealBMI 18.5-25
OverweightBMI 25-30
Obese - should lose weightBMI 30-40
Very obese - lose weight nowBMI greater than 40
A BMI measurement is not as accurate if you're an athlete or very muscular (muscle weighs more than fat) as this can push you into a higher BMI category even if you have a healthy level of body fat. It's also not accurate for women who are pregnant or breastfeeding, or people who are frail.
Top

BMI chart

BMI chart
                                
































Even reading this, doesnt make me want to change, i just want to carry on, not eating. It's ridiculous, and i know i have once again fallen into the secrecy, i know i wont tell anybody about y deliberate not eating. :(
 Im so shallow.


Bad too worse. :(



Ok, so it started yesterday. After school i went into town and bought this drink, a vanilla FrappĂ©, wasnt so sure what it was, it turned out to basically just be, milk adn cream or something. When i first got it, i was absaloutly repulsed, but i had too drink it. But after that i basically ran home. I wanted to purge, like actually get it out of me. But by the time i was home, the drink was starting to like be absorbed. So i couldnt purge, and i just burst into tears, i was completely emotional. I couldn't stop crying, and this was because i wanted to purge, not because i purged.
  And then something licked in my head, and it said, well what im gonna do is, instead of purging, im actually not gonna eat. and then i havent. I didnt eat until 11.40 then next day. And i had the vanilla frappĂ© at 4pm the last day. I went, like 19 hours without eating. I wasnt even hungry when i ate next, i jsut had a cereal bar.
 I still dont feel hungry, but i was forced to eat when i got home. :(
  Hmmm... this is not going well, but even now, after i've had a talk with my mum about bulimia not anorexia i still feel like not eating. i still want to go without food.

I also feel that im obsessing about others food. Like now for Easter, in school people have been winning easter eggs and all this shit, and they're all glad, like stocking up on the eggs. I find it repulsing, like i dont say anything, but im just like, thank God i havent won one. because if i did i would have given it away. I dont want an egg thsi year!! :)
 Im one queer child!!! :):)

Oh, and also, this is kinda weird to write, but my period has stopped, its been two weeks, since it was last due, like im not that thin so i dont see why it stopped.????

Im now on easter break, glad im not going to school ,but i know im not going to get much exercise in and i'll most probably end up eating alot more.:( Im worried i like dont want to gain weight. :(((

What is wrong with me?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Losing weight. :/



Arrrggghhh, i'm sorry, im completely wrecked, and soooo friggin tried and it doesnt help that all of today, (i went ot a tag rugby blitz. [ it was great fun]) i was too weak, and got tired so easily. But then of course, everyone was like "ohh, you're so thin. you need to put on weight." to anyone else, that would be a great compliment, but it drives me crazy. It's like, "lay off. I dont need to friggin gain weight, all i see is a fat person when i look in the mirror. (sorry, that sounded harsh.) but whatever people see when they look at me, i sure as hell dont see.

 And it's jsut driving me crazy now, can't people jstu back off, and leave me alone. I dont need al these comments about my weight, like, ok i haven't told anybody about my bulimia so they wouldnt know, but all these weight remarks are friggin bothering me.

And as i'm tired im just going to add, that sometimes my friends will joke and be like, "Oh, you're soo fat. Look at that weight." And this, let me tell you bothers me like fuck. So sometimes they tell me im too thin and  other times they like to point out that im fat, or whatever.

Urrgghhh.

Friends and everybody else drives me crazy. Im going to live in solitud, i cant stand people. :/

X

**Im really sorry for my rant, but im just really peeved off, and people tell me things like this, just ticks me off, and i have no one to talk to, so this blog is the right place to type it all out!! :)

*Oh, and cus im soo peeved of, i've had another shit day of purging.
 Than guys! :/

X

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Too much.




Arrrgghhh, i know, everyone else has their problems and issues and they just get on with them, so why cant i get on with mine? Why do i always have to rant and complain about them?? Well, t.b.h (to be honest) I cant tell you. BUt right now i feel like i have too much on my mind. I cant physically deal with any of this. It's just too much.
  And just 'cus i can, i'll make a list, and i know it'll look quite petty, like a teenage girls small little worries but to me, it's just all to much. :/


* Social life;
     Friends
     Boys
     Appearence

*My education
    School
    Grades,
    Missing days

*Just overall problems
   Bulimia
   I know we all get them, but my immune system isnt what it used to be, and im kinda getting a cold so i could be sick for up to 2-3 weeks. :/
 
I know, we all deal with the above, so i seriously cant complain, it's not exactly fair, as everybody else gets on with it, but yet, here i sit and type it out, for all of you to read??


Huh?


X

Just updating!! :D




Ok, so nothing really today!!
  Im feeling SUPER TIRED, but sure, been through school what can you expect? I am ALOT more tired than i should be, but lets face it, it's bulimia's fault!
  Just blame it on bulimia!! :DD

But yah, apart from that, nothing else. I am going to a tag rugby blitz with my school, that will be fun, but im not so sure if im up to it now..... but i'll go anyway!! Haha, get a day off! :)
  NO, i think it might be cancelled, 'cus the weather is shit! Dont help my mood much! :/

Ok, that's it for now!!

I'll write as soon as poss.

X

Monday, March 22, 2010

Having a shit day. :/



Another rant!!
  You dont have to carry on reading, it just me letting out my frustrations and emotions!! :/

I'm back to my old ways, of eating and purging. Ok, i havent exactly been doing the best anyway. But it just annoys me so much, because my mum doesnt know that ims till purging, well im sure she does. But she's all like, "before you purge, really thin about why you're doing it, and the emotion behind it, and after that if you really want to purge, fine." Ok, i get it she's trying to help. But i cant think like  that. She needs to try to see it my way, which is just...... OK, i dont know my way, i dont even know why i'm purging. For my dinner i had this vegetable thing, and lately i've been doing good, like if it's healthy, something like that, i wouldnt purge, but i did... and i fell awful, because i know my mum is relying on me to get better and its just too much. I cant deal with all this pressure.
  I think it's school. I might talk to mum about it. Like when im home, i do admit there is alot more temptation and it's hard to get away from it. So maybe... maybe i just need to get away, like i wrote before. I need to do stuff, but maybe in school it's the whole fact that... i'm alot about body image, which is completely ridiculous, i should just be happy with my body, but i've been living too long with my mind set in that way that i cant just stop thinking like that.
  Maybe it's like, that.. some of the girls that i hang with are really thin, maybe subconsciously i see them and then think omg, i want to be thin too. I'm constantly told i need to gain weight, but i think the complete opposite. :/
  Sooo confusing. I think, i might, maybe, maybe not.... i'll see talk to my mum. Or give the doctors a call or something, in school i dont purge, i cant really, so that does help, but i fin then when i get home i purge like hell, even though i hardly eat anything in school..... :/

Yah....
  Im sorry, if you have (most probably not, dont blame you) read all this!!

I think people haev just stopped following me, im predictable, you'll know what im about to blog about even before i blog it!! Lol!

X

Always cold.





Urrrgghhh, im so fed up with it. Im always cold. Like freezing cold 24/7. It doesnt matter if i have on 3 tops, two jumpers, two pairs of trouser, and like 6 socks on, im always cold. Like even with all the socks on i can feel that my feet are cold. Im really fed up with it. I constantly have loads of clothes on and have like a hot drink permanently attached to my hand. :( Im pretty sure even in summer i'll be the same way.

I've talked to mum, just mentioned it saying how it was annoying like, but she just said "well it's your won choice to be like this. ??? Like, WTF? does she think that being bulimic is my choice? Like ok, i have it but im trying to get rid of it, it's not easy. And i didnt chose to start purging.
  Like once when i was Googling Bulimia and the effects of it and how to get help and all that, i saw on a site, and im sorry for writing this, (not sure if im allowed to if, im like violating some rule) but the girl was saying how she had anorexia and that her friends were making he eat and she found it annoying (I know how she feels, thats how my parents were.) but that she couldnt deal  with it,  so she wanted to start purging instead of telling her friends to stop nagging her. Like for me, i told my parents that i wanted them to stop forcing food into me and they took into account of what i said and they did stop. So it's a difference between wanting to purge and just doing it by accident and not being able to stop (my case).
  But just so people know if you're reading this and thinking about purging, trust me, it's not worth it. Read in my older posts about what the effects of bulimia are. And trust me, trying to get over this is like impossible, i feel shit all the time.:(
  So basically what my words of wisdom for today is, just get over yourself, if only someone had said that to me when i was younger so i didn't have to go through this. :(
 
Sure life is life.


All right, seriously got to get to work now!! Cant be spending all my time, updating and telling you, what is happening!! Haha

Oh, sorry, i jsut felt like ranting, about the cold bit!! Haha, bear with me i'll have plenty of days like this!! :D
X

Back to school.




So,today is Monday, meaning, back to school. I was kind of nervous about going back, it's not like anything was different, but i felt like ow that mum knows that people would  be able to tell, see something different, but of course they didnt. Today went well, as usual im really tired now, (get tired alot easily.)  and got a lot of studying to do. Just thought i'd write in, might not get time to write for a while, but during my Easter break i'll try to do a bit of writing!

Hmm, there was something more i was going to write about. Im not so sure now.

Ohhh, today i kept thinking, maybe i should tell my best mate about what was going on, but i didnt, i just felt like it's enough that mum knows, i dont want my friends to look or treat me any differently because of this. :/
  It feels weird them not knowing, i never keep any secrets, it never bothered me before, it was just my little secret. But yah... i think that's pretty much it now!!

I'll try to write again soon!!

Please comment on what you think or if you have any advice or anything you want to share!
  And keep checking in to see my latest blogs!!

X

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Easter. :/





I get my Easter break in about a week, Most people look forward to Easter, right?
 Well, not me. I detest it. Before i loved the fact that i get like 2 weeks off school, i do admit, it's nice, but there's just too much temptation to purge now. My whole day today has gone shit. I feel the guilt and secrecy just come seeping back in and taking over the small bit of proudness i had from the last days.
  And then of course i used to like the whole fact that i got to eat chocolate and nobody really cared, not even myself. But i could never really finish an easter egg, i would just nibble them and never finish them, so someone else would eat them or they'd be thrown away. This year i've made it clear that i dont want an easter egg. But my whole family is into it, the whole easter egg giving. I hate it, and the whole not purging is sooooo not going to be easier. I think i might just be on my own, ok no, that wont work, i cant be on my own anymore, my mind, the ED just starts telling me things which i dont want to hear. :/

I wonder what i shall do, i cant be on my own, but i cant eat the chocolate, 'cus i would definitely purge and that would ruin everything. Hmmm, maybe i'll just see on Easter? I think that works best!

Not such a good day.

I have been doing alright, i do admit that and am really proud. Like i have purged each day, but not after every meal. Maybe just once, but i would be able to stop and walk away with a bit of effort.
  But today i was just stuck in my own mind, which is NOT a good thing, because my mind tells me im fat,ugly,stupid,worthless,i need to purge. All these things that i dont want to hear and are all true. I did just get away, and put on some really loud music to drown it out. It did do the trick, but then today after lunch, (a salad.) something inside of me was just like, you haven't purged, and that did it. I just went to the bathroom and purged. Afterwards i realized how stupid i was. I shouldnt listen to the voice inside of me. It tells me things, leads me the wrong way.
  So not feeling very proud at the moment, but i suppose i have go to move on, i have the rest of the day to go on with and then there's always tomorrow to do better!!




Exercise crazzzyyy!!

I've gone exercise crazy!! Now that i havent really been purging, i feel all fat and ugly, and i need to do something to get rid of it. Exercising seemed to be the answer, but now like i cant stop. I suppose exercise is a good thing, but im hooked on it. i cant like just sit down.
  And for most people, when they exercise they would get hungry and that, for me it's the opposite, i feel anything from hungry, i actually dont want to eat afterwards. Surely this is not a good thing??
  I think im going to have to give the doctors a call, see what they say. It might just be nothing, but i was never exercise crazy. :/

X

Saturday, March 20, 2010

If you feel like purging.

If you feel like purging, then try to take your mind off it, it's not easy trust me. I've been stuck in the house all day and it's driving me crazy, all i want to do is either eat, which im not allowing myself to do because then i'll purge it, or purge. So basically im stuck. I have nothing to do. I've done my studying and i just cant do more than what's necessary, it's the weekend.

What i've done so far;
studied
I've watched t.v
Listened to music
Read,
been outside
gone on the computer

But still, my mind is still on purging, so that's why i've written so much today. I enjoy typing and that, and geting info. and all that takes time!!

But if you feel like purging just do something, anythign to take your mind off of it. Start a blog? I'll follow it, we can be blogging buddies? :D

Here is some stuff which you can do when you feel like purging or things to remind you not to purge or binge;

*Make a positive list, write out the things that you love about yourself, e.g. your hair, your eyes your legs. Anything that will make you smile when you read back over it.


*Make a diary, take time to make the diary look really good, and then you can write in it, write out what you're feeling and for the people who binge, instead of spending the money on food spend it on stuff to make your diary really nice. Or save up for something which you've wanted, just treat yourself, but you can only buy it if you've gone maybe a week without purging or binging, or even if you can go a week without buying a load of junk.


*Send an email or a text to someone who you haven't spoken to in a while, pick up your social life if its been neglected. Just take that chance again, dont be scared, i know its daunting.




Ok, there are plenty more things to do, but my mind is just useless today. (NO think positive!)

**THINK POSITIVE 24/7!!***

x

Anorexia.

As i also dealt with and still am dealing with Anorexia, i'll put up the info. about it as well.

Hope it helps;

INFORMATION;



The effects of anorexia on your body

  • In adults, extreme weight loss; in children and teenagers, poor or inadequate weight gain in relation to their growth or substantial weight loss.
  • Constipation and abdominal pains
  • Dizzy spells and feeling faint
  • Bloated stomach, puffy face and ankles
  • Downy hair on the body; occasionally loss of hair on the head when recovering
  • Poor blood circulation and feeling cold
  • Dry, rough, or discoloured skin
  • Loss of ‘periods’, loss of interest in sex
  • Loss of bone mass and eventually osteoporosis (brittle bones)

Psychological signs of anorexia

  • Intense fear of gaining weight and obsessive interest in what others are eating
  • Distorted perception of body shape or weight
  • Denial of the existence of a problem
  • Changes in personality and mood swings
  • Becoming aware of an ‘inner voice’ that challenges your views on eating and exercise

Behavioural signs in anorexia

  • Rigid or obsessional behaviour attached to eating, such as cutting food into tiny pieces
  • Mood swings
  • Restlessness and hyperactivity
  • Wearing big baggy clothes
  • Vomiting; taking laxatives

The long-term effects of anorexia

The long-term effects of anorexia on the body and mind can be alarming and severe. Women with anorexia tend to find it more difficult to become pregnant and may develop infertility in the long term. Fortunately, many of these effects can be reduced - once the body receives proper and regular nourishment. For both men and women there is a high likelihood of developing osteoporosis.
Once you are on the path to recovery, it can take some weeks or months for the body and mind to re-adjust. Eating and drinking regularly can cause your body to become bloated temporarily. On one hand you may experience enormous hunger whilst on the other, weight gain can seem an alarming prospect. Dealing with the expectations of others around you can also be stressful. Personality and mood swings can also take a while to settle, depending on the emotional difficulties that you may be facing.


If you know someone with an ED, i urge you to help them. Talk to them, they might deny it, not wanting people to know, but keep an eye out. 
The person with the ED is unlikely to tell someone it's a too daunting thing to do, but they might of course, but it's going to help them if they're close friends and family are there to support them, i can tell you from experience that it's not the best feeling that someone knows especially as its been my little secret but now it's such a relief knowing that im dealing with this on my own and that i'm going to get help it is a slightly daunting feeling, but its nice!! :)
Please, do help them, dont just sit back.

Bulimia.

So i got this info. off the B-eat site.

I thought it might be useful for the people who are here to try to learn about eating disorders or dont get them.
 Or even if you need that little push to start recovery.

Information, which we should all know;



The effects of bulimia on your body

  • Frequent weight changes
  • Sore throat, tooth decay and bad breath caused by excessive vomiting
  • Swollen salivary glands making the face rounder
  • Poor skin condition and possible hair loss
  • Irregular ‘periods’ or loss of interest in sex
  • Lethargy and tiredness
  • Increased risk of heart problems and problems with other internal organs

Psychological signs of bulimia

  • Uncontrollable urges to eat vast amounts of food
  • An obsession with food, or feeling ‘out of control’ around food
  • Distorted perception of body weight and shape
  • Emotional behaviour and mood swings
  • Anxiety and depression; low self-esteem, shame and guilt
  • Isolation - feeling helpless and lonely

Behavioural signs in bulimia

  • Bingeing and vomiting
  • Disappearing to the toilet after meals in order to vomit food eaten
  • Excessive use of laxatives, diuretics or enemas
  • Periods of fasting
  • Excessive exercise
  • Secrecy and reluctance to socialise
  • Shoplifting for food; abnormal amounts of money spent on food
  • Food disappearing unexpectedly or being secretly hoarded

What is a binge?

At first you may begin to binge in an attempt to cope with emotional difficulties or to ease tension, but this can rapidly get out of control. You may find that the foods you eat are generally high in calories, carbohydrates and fat. In some circumstances, you may resort to eating things like uncooked pasta, partially defrosted frozen food or condiments, or retrieve and eat previously discarded food. As you start to feel full, feelings of guilt and shame come into your mind. It is not uncommon for people to eat two, three or even four times a normal amount of food in one go. In desperation, you may vomit or take laxatives to purge yourself of everything you have consumed. At this point, some people describe feeling emotionally relieved and physically light-headed. This cycle can keep inner pain and unhappiness at bay - but only for a brief time.
The frequency of these bulimic cycles will vary from person to person. You may suffer from an episode every few months or if you are more severely ill, you may binge and purge several times a day. Some people may vomit automatically after they have eaten any food. Others will eat socially but may be bulimic in private. Many people do not regard their illness as a problem, whilst others despise and fear the vicious and uncontrollable cycle they are trapped in.

Long-term effects of bulimia

In a similar way to anorexia, bulimia can take over the life of the person with the disorder, making them feel trapped and desperate. Bingeing, purging and dramatic loss of fluids can cause physical problems which can usually be corrected once the body is nourished in an even and moderate way.
Bulimia can, in extreme cases, be fatal due to heart failure. An imbalance or dangerously low levels of the essential minerals in the body can significantly, even fatally affect the working of vital internal organs. Other dangers of bulimia include rupture of the stomach, choking, and erosion of tooth enamel, painful swallowing and drying up of salivary glands. Laxative abuse can lead to serious bowel problems. 
   (Has any of that done the trick? Yes, that is what us bulimics might end up going through, im pretty sure none of us want that, so i urge you tog et hep and make that effort to get better if you haven't already.)

If you're battling with an eating disorder, I do really suggest to get professional help. Or to at least tell someone, i know it's not easy, i didnt even tell anyone, my mum found out but im relieved about it. I wouldn't have been able to stop, just kept purging until i wasted away.
  It's not easy, but this is your life your messing with.
But if you know that you actually cant tell anyone, then you can go on this site; www.bulimiahelp.org/  It's what i was using. There's people there who are also battling with bulimia, so you know your not on your own and you can talk about how your feeling. But it's not professional help, it might just be what gets you tell someone.

I wish all of you the best of luck.

X

Get away!




I actually feel like im going crazy. I cant just stay in the house, there's too much temptation, i've gone outside for a walk, temptation to go purge still there when i got back. Listened to music and read, still there, everything is just driving me mad.

 I seriously need to get away i dont think i can do the whole, going to school and just acting like everything is normal. I suppose it is, it's not like much has changed, just that someone knows, but i feel now like people are going to notice me, be able to tell. I dont want that. in school i had my friends and all that, and just fit in. I was kind of like a shadow, i never told my friends and i dont think they guessed anything, thankfully but now i feel like they will be able to tell something, just guess it, and that would just break my shield.
  I seriously need a holiday just get away from everything, get away from life, just for  like a weekend, maybe a week. But i think that would take my mind off purging.
  A while back i went away with my family and i was dreading it, thinking and fretting about what i would do. I couldnt go and purge, i was wondering about not going. But i did go, and i only purged like 3 times or something through out the whole 5 days we were gone, and i felt great, but then when i got back, things went back to normal.
 So i think i need to get away again, and now that im actually getting help, getting maybe that week free of purging might help things!!

Im sure all of you have felt like this.
 Bat i suppose im just going to have to get on with life, i cant just hide away, its my turn to take control over my life, live my life!!




"When things are going great, and life is good, you just feel great! Forget about your worries!"







Cant tell.

Even though my mum knows about my bulimia, which she found out not sure how. I want to ask, but then again not. But i feel like i cant tell her, like i ended up purging, i knew it wouldnt be easy, it's just in my routine now. But i feel like i cant tell her, like she can just believe im doing fine, not purging, even though i know i have to be totally honest for it to work. Im going to start going to a psychologist and physiotherapist or something like that. And go talk to someone, i think that someone is hwo i'll tell everything, when i'm having break downs and stuff like that, but my mum, She was never supposed to know i feel i've let her own already, and i dont want to dissappoint her by still purging. Im sure she knows though, i cant be hiding it that well.

We'll see how things go.

X

Poems.

During a really tough period, i wrote a lot, getting my frustrations and anger out.
 Some poems are kinda bad, just how i felt at the moment, and some may not be to your taste.

----

When i read about it in class,
when i was taught about it,
i thought,
"how stupid, dont they know?"
Well look at me now.
How stupid am i?
Dont i know?
Of course i know,
every damn day i know,
i remember what i do.
And each day i say,
"i'm gonna beat this."
"Todays the day, i stop."
Each day i fail.
I feel stupid, weak.
I want to kill myself when i think back over what i ate.
How could i let it slip?
How could i eat that small bit of cheese that was put on my plate?
didnt i have hte strength to say "no?"
I did, but sometimes i gaev up.
That jsut caused more havoc,
because then i hutr myself,
i told mysef i was fat, iw as ugly, i was useless.
I felt down, and stopped eating at all.
Knowing hte concequences of it, all to well.
People questioned why i didnt eat,
"I did, i did." i would lie,
just to get them off my case.
Each day was horrible, and i couldnt stand to face a new day.
A brand new day where i tortured my self,
Now i see, how i thought people were stupid.
Why didnt they stop,
didnt they know?
I know, but i cant stop.
Im in this until i tell,
until i can face hte truth and admit what im doing.
Until i ask for help.
Its not so easy, i cant jsut go up and tell,
the looks i'll be given, the truth is hard to tell.
Isnt it easier to just fight this alone?
Of course, thats what we all think.



Long gone.

did we even realise when you packed up and left,
yes, we like to tell ourelves.
but we know deep down, that we were to busy,
we had our own problems,
and we couldnt deal with anybody elses,
or so we thought.
we had no time to think or even listen to anybody else,
it was always ourselves first,
and that was how our mind worked
until one day,you just werent there,
you were long gone and not returning,
when did you leave,
just disappear like the snow when it begins to rain?
you were there one second,
and gone the next.
or so we thought,
we were to busy,
to realise that you had been gone for to long a time.
can we even remeber your eyes, your hair, your smell?
It has all faded.
and now we wish that we had just made the time,
to listen,
so that now we wouldnt live with the guilt,
of not knowing when you left, or even why?

Song.

I think this song just says a lot, or basically just says what it's like to live with bulimia.
  It might not be your cup of tea, thats ok, you dont even have to listen to it.
  But im just putting it up, because i think it kind of describes what its been like. Kind of.

Evanescence - Hello

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ih61MJ72v1Y



Lyrics to Hello :

Playground schoolbell rings, again
Rainclouds come to play, again
Has no one told you she's not breathing ?
Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to...Hello...
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me
I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide...
*Don't cry...*
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here, all that's left
Of yesterday...

[ Hello Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]


 Sorry, not so sure how to put the actual music onto the blog! :/

X

My meals.

Ok, so what my meals used to be like.

BREAKFAST-

a fruit/ cup of tea/ cereal bar/nothing
   
to fool my parents, i would put maybe two spoonfuls fo cereal into my bowl, then pour milk so it would look like i had eaten, but please, dont do this. It's not healthy.




 LUNCH-


for school i might have a  sandwich, and then a cereal bar.
Sometimes i actually didnt eta anything, i took the bus at 8am and then get home at 5pm, so thats alot of hours with no food.


DINNER-


This kind of depended, sometimes my mum would cook, not always she's kind of busy. and then i'd only have like half a plate.
 If it was me who cooked it would just be like pasta, no butter, no oil, no salt or any of that.
Sometimes i didnt eat any dinner, just fruit or a cereal bar.


So, basically, i was wasting away. I didnt think anythig of it. But ever since i got bulimia, i counted calories, something which you shouldnt do.
  Emmm, ok, so... i dont really eat junk food, but sometimes i do, you cant jsut avoid it. But not really i dont really like it. But it doesnt help when my mum would go and buy everything, crisps, ice-cream, chocolate, she would buy it for me, so i would put on weight, it never turned out to be me eating it.
  Sometimes my friends asked why i never ate anything, i just shrugged, sometimes they asked if i was dieting, once again i would shrug, soon they just moved on, but sometimes they would e like, "Oh, you're so skinny!". That just made me smile and more determined to lose weight, and just so all of you know, i do know how shallow i was, and i feel bad and stupid. :/
  
But now, im on some like extra calorie rink things. They taste nice, but still i hate taking them. for me, its like drinking lard. I hate it, it makes me want to purge even more but im dealing with it. Not letting myself be on my own, which is kind of hard. :)


X

Our thoughts.

Ok, so i know many of you, if you dont have an eating disorder or haven't dealt with it, you wont get us. And thats ok, but maybe you shouldnt be on this page then.?
 
So we dont all know why we start or why we get hte ED, maybe it was on purpose, we wanted to lose weight, it was accidental, just something you were trying, you actually didnt mean to do it, or it's how you cope with something. But either way, you want to get rid of it, or maybe you dont, but it's what's good for you. You cant live with an ED controlling you life, because thats what it does. It takes over your life, it tells you that theres no need to get rid of the ED, the ED is your friend. It tells you your fat, you're useless, good for nothing. It gets us down. We dont know how to deal with it.

So, even though we know that we should stop, gte help. We cant.
 The ED controls us.

So in school, when we did eating disorders i just smiled and made a joke or two, very ignorant and can upset people who actually deal with eating disorders, i get it now.
  I did have anorexia, but i didnt think anything of it, i just didnt eat much, that didnt make me anorexic, apparently it does!!
 But with the bulimia, i didn't get it. why would anyone ever want to puke like that??
I was stupid, and look at me, now i have it. Karma i suppose.

But actually i remember before i started puking like that, i was talking to a dietitian and she was asking me if i ever did anything like, make myself puke i told her "no" why would anyone want to do that, but i suppose things change. But to be honest, i never wanted to do it, i just did it, never thought of it.

So our mind is like wired, it makes us see things which aren't there, that "fat" which is on our stomach, or makes us think things, "we're ugly, we're fat" all sorts of things.

In this blog im going to try to stay away form things, like numbers, weight,calories things can trigger binges or purges, im not sure what they are for you, but for your benefit i'll try to stay away from them!! :)

Hopefully things are looking good for you?

X

Just started to get help!!

Hey all.

So as the title says, im fighting Bulimia. Something i wish i didn't have to deal with, but sure this is what's on my plate so i'll deal with it, just like anything else.

So i'll start out by saying i've been bulimic for about 3-4 years, and to be honest, i dont know why i started.
I have always been hassled to put on weight, i do or did also have anorexia, so i think sub-consciously me purging was my way of rebelling, telling people to lay, but obviously nobody knew about my bulimia, it was something i fought with on my own. So at the start i didn't think anything was wrong, i had just gotten food poisoning so i was puking 'cus of it. But then after a week i was still purging, i told myself something was wrong, people don't just go and puke like this, but then i just told myself that i was just trying to get attention, and nothing was wrong.
  So it carried on like that, at first it was maybe once or twice a week, then maybe every 3-4 days, and then it became everyday and soon it became after every meal.
  I became depressed and just stopped doing stuff, my social life became very embarrassing, as in no friends because i didn't do anything anymore, i just didn't want to go out, because i'd end up eating something and that would make me want to puke, at this stage i couldn't hold anything down anymore, it just came back up, so it was hard to go out. :/
  I became sick a lot more, and i was finding it hard to do anything because of my lack of energy. For some people with bulimia they end up gaining weight, because of the purging you also end up binging or the other way, you end up binging and then you end up purging for me i just purged, i couldn't stop, sometimes i binged because my stomach was empty and i felt i needed solid food in it. But soon my clothes, which had always fit fine, were starting to look big on me, i didn't think anything of it, i just wanted to lose weight. ??
 It's weird  how our minds are set.

So it carried on like this for what, 3-4 years, or something like that, it might be less, might be more.
 At first i just purged, i just thought "whatever." like, but then i was like "no, this is serious." and i did everything to they to stop. But trust me it isn't easy, once you've done it for so long you cant just give it up and stop, its not that easy. Its not like something you can give up for a month and then it'll just be gone, we could have relapses, but this is only my third day of someone knowing.
  I thought about telling someone, it was extremely hard trying to battle this demon (eating disorder) on my own, it was hard, the secrecy and guilt, i would sneak off after every meal and just b on my own, sometimes i just cried because everything got to much. I did get depressed and have some really bad thoughts but i do like life so id dint do anything to harmful, which is good.
  But where was I? OK, so my mum found out about my bulimia. When i got the hunch that she knew, i got so upset, just cried and avoided her, i couldn't stand her knowing, she's been the one who has always been on my back trying to get me to eat and now for her to find out that I've been puking it all out?
  But i couldn't avoid her the next day, she spoke to me about it. It was awful how nice she was, she kept saying that she thought i was brave, and that it must have been so hard but the more she said it the worse i felt, i knew what i had been doing was wrong but i was glad. It was a relief, i didn't have to deal with this on my own anymore.:)
  But then after a while, i was like, "i'm getting help. I wont be purging anymore." it was good but almost like, bulimia is a part of me. don't get me wrong, i'm so glad that this will hopefully just get sorted, but the ED had just taken over my life, ruled it for so long, it was just weird thinking of it gone???

So, i find writing helps me a lot, i couldn't tell anybody so i just wrote, and now that i'm on my way to success, I've decided to write this blog, keep you all updated and give all of you who are trying to fight the ED, some support or something, so you can see that it can be done.
  I cant say that i wont want to purge or that i wont, this isn't going to be easy, i know that, but i'm going to do my best to try to get past this and start to live my life now, not let the ED rule it any longer!!

I wish you all the best.

X