Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Questions.

I jsut saw that i have quite alot of readers... so i was thinking... ill do a question time.

if anyone has any questions they would like to ask me... please do. it would be nice ot answe some!!

please! anything... apart from personal information... but ti can be anything... kinda...

:)

Dont touch me.

ive never exaclty liked hugging people. or getting to touchy feeley, but now im even less. i cant have someone touch me. no one. its cus like if someone hugs me, they'll feel my spine sticking out. or if someone touches my arm, you can like wrap your whole hand around it, like twice..... no maybe not... im not that skinny.
   but im scared that my family will start thinking im really skinny... which im not... im kinda thin... but i still need to lseo weight.
   but i want strangers to se me and eb like Damn, that girl doesnt eat yes.... i dont want them to think im pretty or sexy... btu anorexic.... im like a pro anorexia anymore.

i cant even tell wh yim not eating anymore. its jstu in me .... that whenever i get a chance to not eat. i feel that when i might ahev to eat or wont eb ablet og et awy witrh cheating, then i panic, but otherwise i dotn... so i dont knwo what it is anymore.

normal

so yesterday i went out to meet friends. everything went fine. i didnt have much to say, i jsut made up seom stories about school, telling them stuff.... little white lies. they dont know about Mando, and really... thats where ive been for hte past like 5 months. i mean, it was hard talking about friends,  espec/ as i dont have any. and i dont even know their names. but whatever.
   i got tired after an hour and it was hard ot move my legs. i was like a dead person walking. we went to eddie rockets where they had lunch i jsut took an americano, with no milk or suger. they wondered why  iwasnt eating, but i told them i had had lunch before i left, as was true. but i felt so anorexic saying it. like i knew that i should haev been having my snack then, but ah well... whatas new.
   we tehn carrid on shopping. we talked about LOTS, eveyrthing between heaven and hell. it was ncie. i felt normal, and like they got hhot chocolates, i refused, but it felt normal. like they ate when they wanted and what they fancied.
    it was nice.

but when i got to the car, after 4 hours fo walking and shopping i was exhausted. and my back killed me. i could literally not breathe frm the pain of it.

also as i was hugging my friends good bye, one of my friends was like, Shit your skinny. get soem meat on you. i jsut smiled and didnt say anything.

but when i felt my back, i could feel my spine. even through two tops adn a jacket.. it didnt scare me though.

when i got home my step mum had cooekd this vegetable curry with noodles. i didnt want any, but i didnt have the energy to complain about it. so i just took a tinsy bit. it wasnt utnil afterwards that the guilt came, what was in the food? what had i eaten? how much had i eaten? how many calories?
  
later my dad came and tried to get me to sit down.... i was jsut liek cryign adn telling him to leave me alone, i wanted to be on my own. i had been with people all day. and people bug me. i hate socializing. and my head was thumping, adn i wanted to sit down so badley, like my legs were killing em, but i wouldnt let myself. so i wanted to give in so badley and jsut  sit down adn watch tv. but thats like no weight loss.
  
i feel so stupid, but i dont want to change my ways. i dreamt about Mando last night.... it was a nightmare. i dont knwo what to do. i went to get back home, but that jsut means closer to going back to Mando and having to eat more and face hte consequences of these two weeks. and also, once im home, it means having to  take the Scandishake.... :/

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

jsut another day.

Hmmm.... i really dont have much to say.
   its jsut ben another day. mum got up with me, i had breakfast. skipped my three snack. mum wasnt with me for lunch so skipped that, got away with nto eating ym three snack. and jsut had dinner... soem like lentil soup with lots of vegetables, but mum decided to add creme fraiche.... which nearly made me puke.
    not so interesting.

no arguements today anyway. im trying to avoid them... jsut like food.
today actually, when i realised that i might actually haev to eat my three snack.  iwent into panic mode, crying, wanting to self harm, btu actaulyl didnt have hte energy to go get a blade, adn then wanting to kill myself, jsut cus i might have to eat. i didnt though.

i also went for a walk with my mum, taking our three dogs. i got os tired, but my mantra to keep me wwalking was - fat fat fat... which has to burn burn burn.  i basically kept repeating that until we got back to the car, and let me tell you... ive never eben so happy to sit down.

im starting to think mroe about Mando though. im worried. but that worry is pushed down so far awaym im jstu so focused on losing weight,m not even thinking about the consequences. i've made up my mind that i need to lose weight so im down to 40kg or less. i feel that should eb my wieght, not 50. but i dont think its posible. i was maybe what... 48kg/49kg when we left.
   but i cant go abck to inpatiants... i will go crazy! I cant take the staff there. im not an inpatiant girl anymore.... i cant do it. im kinda worried. btu im all about cheating.... i wish i could change but im scared. i cant do it. i dont even want help anymroe, not that i ever wanted it, but still...... its so hard.

cant i jstu eb thin? dot here zlways have to be consequences????

tomorrow im gonna meet friends... ireally dont want to. they're gopnna want to go and get lie a cake or go to Mcdonalads.... and no i cant..... and what if there scared of me... they dont know im like this. i think im jsut gonna mete them, go shopping. and then come home. its my mum saying that i should..... i dont want. i dont want to socialize... iwant to stand in a  dark corner and starve to death.

thats about it.

Monday, December 27, 2010

birthday cake.

Today was my mums birthday, so i told her to trust me and haeva  sleep in, cusb seh usually gets up at 7.30 am wiht me. she wasnt so keen on the  idea, but i told her i would do thigns right (yeah.... right my arse... i didnt eat at all.) soo around 9.30ish, i brought her some breakfast and eta, and gave her her gifts. then i gave her a hand massage,foot massage and scalp massage.
  then after my lunch we drove into the small village we live by and we shopped soem ingredients, as she was gonna make dinenr adn i was gonna make her a birthday cake - triple layer fudge cake. (but nit looked mroe like Death By Choccolate cake.)
    so when we got back i got down to preparing the cake. there was three big bars of milk chocolate one big bar of white chocolate and one big bar of dark chocolate. then there was like a liter of cream. but i was ifne iwth making it... aslong as i didnt have to eat it.
  
for dinner was prawns and rice, but mum added lots of oil., and creme fraiche...urrghhh bring on hte guilt. i skipped hte sauce.
   then was the cake... everybnody told me it was great.... perfect. and then mum was like, you have to try.  err No... was my reply. i mean.... i can hardley eta a fruit without wanting to through up, do you really expect em to down a piece of fat and lard... i mean there was most porbably 1500 calories a slice. :/ eewww.

that was it today... my week isnt looking to exciting. trying to avoid meals..... not doing much.

what an exciting christmas break. i want to go home... but not to Mando.

-

I wonder how much weight im losing, if im losing at all.


i mean my days roughly look like this - either no brakfast or a half deciliter porridge with 1 tablespoon jam and a half deciliter milk with a small slice of pneapple;

usually no ten snack, but if it is its a small slice of soda bread with 1 tablesppon jam and a small slice pineapple or melon.

lunch - not using hte mando meter, jsut take on ym own..... less than 350 gram. it might eb pasta with baked nbeans. lef tover potatoes and a small bit og ham. tuna. egg. or none.

3 snack - havent had .... but if mum starts watching even closer... then im gonna haev to have it. :/

dinner - it depnds, but i take more veg. than im supposed to. and les carbs.

night snack - usually nothing..... but yet againj, if mum sits with me for eveyr meal, then im gonna have to have seomthing... hopefully not.

its weird.... like i find, the days that i dont haev breakfast or my ten snack, then i might find myself taking like a raisin, but i put it in my mouth, bite it.... and spit it out. thats well part of it... eating but not swallowing.

i might not even eb lsoing weight.... i mean, because im not exactly eating anything, the fat that i do eat will stay on me, because my body is going into starvation mode.... so really i might jsut be making ymself fatter. but i feel smaller... and prettier. every morning i get up and look at my body, and it looks smaller... ican see my bones more. and i smile!!! like in actaulyl fel happy.

but now.... if no one is around, im going to skip a meal. its jsut naturel now, i dont even think about it. but if soemone is with me, then eveyrthing starts coming back - eating will make you fat. but im not just because im not.... but of course i sitll dont want to go up in weight.. tis horible. i mean, i dont have fat on me... not much anyway....

but im worried abotu Mando. i mean... i CANT go back to in patiants. i refuse. thats why when mum eats with me, i jsut eat... take les that what i should, but i eat..... so she can se... oh she follows her meal plan, atleats shes trying, so hopefulyl she can say that when im back. i dont want to go in again. im scared.
   its gonna be awful.

....:/ im scared... i cant go up in wieght again... i need a weighing scales... i need to know how much i weigh.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

christmas arguements.

The morning went well. everyone was up and around ten-ish we opened our presents. i got soem lovely stuff. like make up, books, and soem other small cute stuff. i  was very happy wiht it.
   then everyone got ready to go to church but i told them that i refused to go, my mum guesed why, it meant sitting. but anyway i jstu didnt get dressed so they left with otu me, and likei  wrote in my previous post i had lunch, but only because i hadnt eaten my breakfast or ten snack, so i was slightly hungry.
    but then i had such horrible guilt realsing that i could have gotten away with nto eating the lunch so when it came to our like big dinner/lunch i like didnt take the full 100% and then while i ate i conspicuously dropped my potatoes onto the floor where our dogs gladly ate them. i still didnt fel much better. i felt pretty sick with the guilt of eating. even wanting to puke.
    then later i talked on Skype with ym best friend, but i jsut wasnt interested. i got bored and just wanted to say bye. it was mean, i know.
    then the family where playing games, which i didnt want to take part in. i stood in the corner and jsut stood there. then i walked away and my dad got all cross, and i was in tears, i didnt want to eb with the family.
   then later i got all angry i had had enough. i oculdnt dela with family, with people being eveywhere, and also, there was no routine. i want routine. i want to knwo what were doing everyday. and i want things to eb the same. everythings different adn im starting to panic. :/
    later i was all upset over that, wanting to go home. but my dad came and wa sjust like, "pull yourself together" and then i cried even more adn we jstu talked .... about everything i suppose. me saying how sad i was, and i wanted to sit ina  black box wiht noone around.... and then i ended up arfggueing with ym sister, so my dad sat us both down and we had to like talk ti out. i didnt do much talking, apart from saying how much my isster hated me adn that she should jsut start livingg her life adn stop bothering me.
    but then she got all upset and she was like, im gaining weight.... and i got all upset. becauyse my sister is really pretty. atleast she does eat. i mean, im not exactly jealous... its jsut. she really is pretty and shes lucky, she doesnt care whta she eats, like she does have ddays where she hates what she looks like, but she jsut gets on with it.
   but then i jsut hugged her, and we kind of tlaked it otu then.
 and then i hugged dad.

then i got ready for bed and sat on teh sofa with mum adn watched Bridget Jones. i wa so tired that i was jsut trying to wait it out until 10pm and then go to bed. even though i usually go to bed at 11pm. but i was jsut so tired.

after i had talked iwth my sister and dad i got really abd guilt. i dont like talking. i dont want to talk. i cant open up. i feel really abd afterwards.

so christmas.... welll for me, it wont be a good christmas, not one i want to remember. i would ratehr haev been dead than to haev sat there with my family.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry christmas!

Merry Christmas eveyrone!! i hope your all having a good time!!
   better than me? i think so.

ive like ruined eveyrones christmas. mum has talked to my dad and step mum, letting them know whats going on, that im cheating. and im arguing all the tiem. and jsut avoiding eveyrone so i can go and stand in a corner. i cant eb with eveyrone else.
   and eating...... PLEASE DONT REMIND ME.

i want to go home, eveyrhting is different and nto in a good way. i do almost jsut wwant to get back to the Mando routine. i knw what i would do everyday. i didnt have to worry or think abotu it. i could plan ahead what i would eat. it was easy... its hard now. i want to get back to normal ,to a routine.


xxx

little details.

Things are jsut bad. i mean im cheating soo much. and my mum knows. i cant rememebr if i wrote that mum found out. seh wants to eat every meal with me.
   im so cross with her. i margueing with her, dad, my sister. shes threatening me by saying that if i dont follow my meal plan and start sitting, then shes booking hte next flight home.
   its really hard. like im trying eveyrthing. i forgot how much i knew how ot skive and cheat..... i mean... GOD. im not going to writ eit, because its not necessary, and if theres someone trying to recover reading this, i dont want to give them tips.
   also, sitting. i cant.... i mean if i sit for more than half an hour, i start havign a panic attack. my heart rate accelerates, my legs twitch my rbain is screaming at me... its awful.. i jsut cant do it.
  i do feel thinner though.... its nice, but im now starting to worry about Mando. mum says that if tis not Mando, its a psychiatric ward, and ti migth be that anyway as im self harming like fuck, and if i refuse to go, then she said the police can get involved and bring me there.... and i dot want that.
   but i uust cant change my way,

i wnt help.... welll seom part of me does. like i almost want mum there to sit with me and make sure that i eta, but i get so angry when seh does. i scream,cry, say the most awful things... i know ive hurt her, my dad aswell, and this is all really hard on my sister.

how will things carry on?

i mean the last three days mums like been with me, but ive still found ways to cheat. i know it wont help me, but im so ste on lsoing wieght and looking good and thin that i actualyl cant make myself jsut stick to the plan.

i mean, right now im eating about 800 calories, 1800 max. a day.

Help?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

where did things go so wrong?

let me.. i dont have much acess to internet so everything will eb rough because i cant remember too much.

The flight over went fine.... not to much i can ysay abotu that.,... well i can say about ebfore hand. i dont know. i jsut started to cheat. remove a fruit. take off this. only 1 dl yoghurt and a half deciliter of cereal. i dont knwo why i did it. :/
   btu thats how it was at home for the last day... cheating. and then on the dya we left, i was like...o h yeah Scandishake, and i was ognna pack it, but then iwa slike..... maybe not, and then all day i jstu wanted to get out fo the hosue so mum wouldnt remember about the scandishake.
    and seh didnt.

when we got to ireland. it was like 8pm, so it was kinda laste but also meant dinner. but there was only one shop open, and the only thign ther ei could have was baked potatoe with lots of cheese, white bread sandwich wiht like tuna mayyonnaise or egg salad. or like a steak and kidney pie. i refused, saying i wouldnt eat any of thoose.
   like i would eat, jsut not that. but then mum bought the steak adn kidney pie adn i got asll stressed telling her i wouldnt eat it. but then while on the bus i took the inside, kind of. the bus journey was agony. i mean it. the 4 hours felt like forever.

then the next day went WAY TOO SLOWLY. it was awful. but i dont know... i skipped breakfast, i skipped my three snack. lunch was.... a tiny bti of stew. skippping the broth which was jsut oil. skipped my three snack. dinenr was baked beans and a little bit of mashed potatoes. skipped my night snack.
    i dont knwo what happend.  ad suddenly i was pabnicking, thinking, OMG, what 1000 calories i ahd had all day, less? but iw a spanicking, it was all too mcuh. how could i eat the potatoes.... take that, take this. god i panicked. ajd i mean, it wasnt even ahlf of what i had usually been eating. i wasnt even hungry.

then yesterday we went into town, and we did some shopping. i dont know whats gping on. i mean, yes i ahd thought about llosing wieght and knowing that i could.. but i was planning on sticking to the meeal plan. and i wish i could. i really do. btu i think abotu it. i really do. but suddenly i panick, i cant eta that,i ts too much.
   but really it isnt. i dont even haave the scandishake. i
i mean.... i know all of this means HDV, im gonna go back and have lost like 10kg. but im so set ion quitting Mando that i dotn care.

this morning, was awful. i got up at 7am, my normal routine. planning on skipping breakfast and standing around.... which is all i do.
   but mum got up and was like, i know what your doing, you get up and jsut stand... and she wa slike your not following your meal plan. i tried to tell her that i am, cus im trying to tell myself that i am... btu i know that im not. i mean, yesterday after diner (cant remember what) i was like in the bathroom trying to make myself puke..... i dont knwo why.
   she was like, iether tyoyu start sitting, followuing your meal plan, or ill book a ticket home. but i dont care. im set on quitting Mando, i dont want help and they cant give me help. i dont accept it.
   she then spoke to my step mum, who is also ehre and my dad. i was expecting my dad ot get cross at me, i suppsoe he did, but he came up and hugged me andw a slike, i understand that its hard but i jstu got to do what i have to. i cried. i sudenly wanted to speak to mum. tell ehr that iwanteed help. but i dont.
    im so scared of going back to HDV. i mean it. but i cant chaneg what im doing.... cheating.

but in all hoensty i ahd siad to ym sister ebfore, i cant go to Ireland. it will bring back memories. she had basically toldme iw as a queer and that bshe didnt want to hear it.
   but i wanted to get out fo Mando so badley that iw as willign to take the chance, but its nto goignt so well.

 like  imfreaking out about eating half a banana, i was wlaking my dog and hoping to hell that i would burn off hte calories of that half abnana.


Where did things go wrong? why?

**sorry for my bad typing!!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

talking about everything and nothing at all!

Today we didnt have too much planned. pack, tidy adn then later we were going to take a coffee at our aunts, my mums sister.
   this morning well, what can i say... nto much. had soem intellectual conversations wiht my mum adn sister. finished this really good book i read, which is kinda bad timing as now i ahev nothing to read for tomorrow. and then around 12is, we realised there was nothing for lunch. so i had to run down to the shop to get soemthing.
   then later me and my sister headed otu to go to our aunts. while i was sitting on the train i suddenly went into panic mode, wishing i ahd skipped out. that i didnt come. i didnt think i cuold do it. meet with them. ive realised im alot like that, trying to skip out on socialsing, avoid it. so iw as really panicky, but it wwas too late.
  so when we got there i was kinda moody, then i got even worse when i relaised that the normal weighing scales that sat in their bathroom, was no longer there.... so much for the weighing myself plan i ahd formed. like i know it wouldnt have helped..... but i need to know. :/
   but i lightened up. relaxed as i realised there was nothing wrong with coming out. that otherwise i would haev sat at home dead bored wishing i was anywhere but at home.
  then we had soem coffee and some buns - gingercakes (pepparkaker) with cheese (i passed on the cheese), lussebullar and doughnuts with custard.
   i just took two gingercakes, they were larger than the usual sized ones, but still....
 like i know. somewhere inside me i knew that i should have taken a doughnut, but i couldnt force myself to do that. so it was jsut two gingercakkes and a cup of coffee, also some glogg.well i took a sip out fo my mums and sisters cups. (3 different types. one spiked, with vodka, one jsut normal and the third one was blueberry and blackberry flavoured.)
   then on the way home i realised that ididnt have a memory card for my camera, and i wanted one before christmas, so i went on my own to buy that. (not so relevant... btu whatever! :) )
   now im at home. doing some last packing, cursing Ryanair for their 10kg handbag weight. damn them!!

time for my night snack.... im thinking porridge.... if anyone wanted to know!

goodnight xx


  

Friday, December 17, 2010

Goodbye Mando.... HELLO WORLD!

Well for now.... for  3 weeks, its "buh bye Mando... and Hello Reality!"
   feels kinda good! not so ure if im ready for hte change. like i can feel the paic in me, that the routine that i've had for hte past like 2 months, its all about to be disturbed and disrupted. not looking forward to it!
  but glad ot be getting out of here. in around half an hour, thats the last meal i'll ahev here for a while!!! feels so godo! then im on my own. up to me to choose what i decide, to carry on with the treatment adn go up  in wieght ro go my own way and lose wieght.
   Just got to let you know.... im still in treatment, cus how im writing makes it seem as if ive walked out, signed myself ou. which i wish thatt i did. but its jsut a little break kinda! a much deserved one!

today though i got asked by my dad what i wanted for christmas, i was completly stumped. i have no idea.... this is exactly relatory, but im still gonna write it. i mean i havent thought once about what i want. i mean, there was going to Ireland, that was pretty much it, and now i know i can go and then there was seeing my dog again, which also wil happen and then there was hte whole of "wanting to go up in weight so that i could get out of here." well i got that, now i kinda regret it.
   but theres like nothing materail i want.... i ts so weird. i was such a material girl. like i ALWAYS had to have the latest gadget, the newst latest thing.
   but now ive kinda realised, that doesnt matter. like whats the point in having material things.

like last year for christmas (was very sick at hte time) well i was kinda depressed, slightly. like i was dreading christmas. the whole food thing. like i was tryign  o find ways to not eat, which i suppose i succedeed, as well as going to the bathroom eahc time that i did eat. but i had told eveyrone, i dont want christmas presents. like before christmas i had been all jazzed about wanting to get an Ipod touch. and i wasnt ebing evyr subtle about wanting one. but then a few eeks before i suddenly didnt want anything. nothing mattered. and i got really cross whenever soemone asked me whta i wanted.
   i felt i didnt deserve anything.
i cant rememebr last christmas so well.  i did get teh ipod touch though.... i didnt exactly refuse it, but i felt bad for getting one, that it wasnt right. i sholdnt have gotten one.
   i rememebr being alot on my won aswell. we had family over, i couldnt deal with them. as weird as this sounds, but i spent ALOT of time with the dogs. taking them for walks. feeding them. traingin them. talking to them. tellign them my problems. anything to get away from the whole happy fmily, which i no longer felt a part of.

But time to get out of memory lane, and into the present. and the present means..... snack time.... :/ think of it as.... The Last Meal!! (not literally, but at Mando... for now!!)

Happy Christmas eveyrone, and hope you have a nic weekend! (I dont think ill have mcuh acces to internet so i'll say Happy New Year aswell... jsut in case!!)

and for all the recovering anorexics who read this blog.... i hope thigns go well for you over hte christmas holidays!! :)


xxxxxxxxxxx




 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

16th December

Pretend That Nothings Wrong And No One Will Notice Anything.



mixed emotions.

I was jsut talking to mum over the phone and she was like, are you happy about coming home? i suddenly went all silent and i got this really weird feeling. she was like, Yeah it is! but suddenly my brain was shouting NO! ITS NOT GOOD THAT YOUR COMING HOME.
   it was really weird. but i went alll silent and got all angry. like thigns are about to change.

and then she mentioned soemthing about the Scandishake, and how im gonna have to take them in Ireland. yes, i know a hevt to take them, but suddenly i was like, Heck No. im not gonna follow my meal plan. im not gonna do thigns right. this is my chance to just lsoe all this unneccessary weight.
   i might aswell take it. i want to be thin again. i want to feel the tiredness in my boy, the coldness even though i ahd five jumpers on adn three pairs of socks. the hunger in my stmach that i would avoid... it was almost an achievement. pushing me to exercise even though i was about to faint. its all stupd to want it back. but i do. i realy want it back.
 
like my supervisor did give me another option if thigns didn go well in Ireland. to quit. shes like, if youve been in HDV and been day patiant but thigns still dont go rihgt, then theres nothign more they can do for you. she was like, it would be a shame as ive come a bit (A bit... ive come a frickin long way.)  she was like thats an option, but of course it wouldnt eb me making htat decision, im under 18 and it wouldnt take me long to fall back don to an even lower weight. but i dont mind it... i want to be lower... down to maybe 40kg. Thats not such a bad weight?
   like im seriosuly thinking about it... like... i dont think Mando can do much for me. i mean. for now... im tired of it, not feeling the zest for life or wanting to carry on with the treatment. Mayeb it would do me good ot get real sick again, and then for it to be my decision to come back for me to ask for hte help. cus now... i mean... if i had a choice i would gladly be out exercising and not eating... im not past that stage even though ive gone up, what 6-7kg?

Im sorry. i jsut have all these mixed up emotions and feelings. not feelign so great and i dont even know where they came ffrom. i was fine one minute and the next.... well all these thoughts came.

:(

Where did my food go?

Today, nothing special.. another day of eating and sitting.. oh the joy!!! Cant wait to get out of this hell hole, start living my life.
   been todl that if things dont go well in Ireland i'll be put back in HDV, or thats if my weight is considered low enough to have to go abck... so that means that my weight is pretty ok, that if i did lose a few kilos, i woldnt necessarily be put in HDV, i would jstu have less freedom. or thats how i interpretated it anyway... i could be wrong. but once im back from Ireland, and back to coming to he clinic, im a day patiant, living at home... oh Thank God! :)
   just 7 and a half weeks... so much for two weeks.... arrgghh starting to freak out.... i dont even want to know how much ive gained in thoose like 7 weeks. :/
   err... i lost my track of thought now.

today i went to this like meeting/discussion thing with the dietitatan about christmas food. iit was good. i asked lots  of questions. i mean, its gonna be hard. cus usually during christmas (like chrsitmas day) eveyrone gets up round 11am (part from my brother who gets up at like 7!) and hten they havea  big breakfast.... round 12ish.... then we might go to mass, and then we would go for a  walk, and thne when we're back maybe 3ish, we'd have somehting small, maybe soem toast or a sandwich, and then around 5 or 6 we'd ahev a HUGE dinner... like salmon,chicken,potatoes,peas,gravy things like that. and there would eb starters like little sausage rolls, small quiche pies, spring rolls, things kinda like that and then theres like three diferent tyes of dessert.... so that doesnt work out so well for me.

i mean... lunch.... they wouldnt usually eat it. a sandwich or seomthing and dinner... im freaking out about it. aarrrghh..
  really im jsut worrying and making it more of a deal then it is.

erm.... there was soemthing else.... Oh yes.... my supervisor forgot to order food for me!... What?
   so that means pre cooked meals.... shit... i hate them. i freak. i think what im geting is sometype of chicken with pasta .... :/ arrghh im hoping theres some food left over (like someones not there.) hopefully.... i think the Mando fod is better than pre cooked food.... its as bad as fast food.

im so excited about going home... ok well not really. i dont feel anything. jsut kinda happy and relieved. mums gonna come here and tehn we take a taxi home as ive got soo much to take home again. we've also got to clena the room... and hand the keys in!! :)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My happy moment!

:) I CAN GO TO IRELAND!! :) Yaaay!

my mum jstu spoke to my supervisor. but im sure theres soemthing attached.. so im jsut gonna post this before my happy moment is spoiled. but im also kinda freaking out.. i mean... 3 hours ont he plane and hten its gonna be 3 hours sitting ona  bus... im panicking about that. :/ i know i sit at Mando all day, but i mean.. its jsut worse ina  bus or plane cus your all cramped in.... :/ aaarrgghh!

but yeay!! :) happy happy! im gonna get to see my dog! ive missed her soo much!

for now, im gonna tyr to not think of eveyrhting thats not gonna make me want to go (cus hte list is jsut piling up) like the few reasons i want to go is cus.. i get ot see my dog,my dad and get awya from mando i can honestly say thats about it. theres a much bigger list of things that can go wrong .... :/

Urrghhh actually. i dont know wheterht o smile or to like ... cry(no...just angry)

like efore i jsut wanted ot know whether i cold go or not. now im really thinking about it....

im kinda scared... orr......






My 3 dogs. and then two pictures from ireland. last summer (2009)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Watch as the scars fade.

Im feeling quite good. not sure how or why. but i just am. Happy in a way.
   i didnt get weighed today so not ssure what my weight is like,, but tomorrow i suppose i will be. also tomorrow my supervisor is going to meet with the doctor adn they'll talk about Ireland. whether i can go or not. Im really worried. i mean, hes the one thats gonna maek the decision.
   so not sure how that will play out. but i already have in my head this like perfect christmas and new years.t eh family will eb together. ill get to see my dog, maybe take her for walks. see my friends. and everythign will go swell. but the reality is - they're gonna drill into my mums head no activity. watch what she eats. sit with her. dont do too much. and like, i dont even  know if i wnt to meet my friends. like only my very best friend knows abotu why we truely moved ot sweden adn what ahs been going in my life for the past 9 months.(been round 3 years or so. but nly 9 months that ive been in treatment.) (all my other friends think we moved because welll 1st, my mum ahs friends and family here, and second [cus i had been out fo school for months before we moved] that my CF was really bad and needed to move ot sweden to get extra care.) so thats what they know. and i mean. wat if htey want to go to Mcdonalds or buy a chocolate bar or chips or whatever it is.... what am i suppsoed to say, or do? i mean i know im jstu  putting it off but when i think about it. i dont think i want to meet them. my best friend who knows about my anorexia. shes gonna eb away while im in Ireland. so that sucks.
   and like. im not gona be allowed to go for a wlak with my dog. it iwll be alot of sitting in the car to get anywhere, and i have a MAJOR problem with that.
  and what about the food? i mean the food isnt gonna be the same..... it jsut seems to hassley, the reality. but my little pictueresque view!

today my supervisor also said that ive been in treatment for so long, that  should be at the stage of being allowed ot not like measure up, or tak a free ten snack or like 3 snack.
   i would gladley like that!! :) but of course, not yet. she was like, you haev to try more.
  likei  still wouldnt eat a burger(with the bread and cheese... burger on its own i suppose is relatively ok.) or pizza, chocolate,crisps,popcorn(tried this once adn i can sya it was a fail as i basically 'accidently' spilled it on the floor.) even with Pick N Mix... like i mena its ok... but i still get really abd guilt adn going out for like tea... well ill choose teh smallest piece and still try to crumble it and all that shit. im aware of what i do i jsut dont bother trying to change it.
   so she was liek you ahve to try more. that got me thinking a bit. so for my three snack i decided ot take this option, which i had never had before (even though it has been on my list for months) but i had decided when i got it, that it was too high in fat and calories. but i took it today, adn it went fine. i even enjoyeed it!! so thats something, a smal achievement. like i bet my supervisor didnt even know but sitll.. for me, its something.
   and then i was like... Hmm... maybe i should tr a piece of the advent calender. i was thinking about it. but i decided iw old wait until later because if i got a really horrible dinner and ha taken the choclate, i would get serious guilt. but now i relaise that im not gonna take it after dinner and espec. not after my night snack. so i should jsut have taken ti when i felt ready for it. cus now im not gonna take it.
   
but i feel kinda better.... like.... more me. i dont know how to explain it. 
   and like the title.... the scars on my arms are fading.... jsut dry skin!! kidna nice for christmas and that. as im hoping to wear like short sleeved dresses! and i mean... i cant scare my dad anymore. he alreayd saw my old scars... but he would freak if he saw new ones... but i cant promise that anything wont happen over the  break... :/ things dont always run so smoothly!!
Hmmm... home home home! hopefully tomorrow i can move home again???? :) :) :)

BIG WISHES, BIG DREAMS!


(Sorry attention seeing photo...)

   

My day at home (yesterday!)

So yesterday consisted of staying inside in my pajamas, taking three long warm showers, watching the film (an education) or half of it anyway. and hten going down to the library to borrow a book!
   so all in all, i think i needed that day.

in hte morning though my stomach wasnt so bad, but then it got kind worse so i had ot liek wrap a warm blanket aorund my stomach adn that kind of soothed it.
   but then after my three snack i got such bad pains it was awful adn a really bad headache. i dont know where it came from. but i ad to like lie down on the couch... but that didnt really help. but i was tired.
   so wehn it came to dinner i felt even worse. liek shrp stabbing pain in my stomach and i just couldn't eat.  i dont know how long i spent at hte table but atleast half an hour. i would take a few bites and then put my knife and fork down and jsut sit there, adn then again and again liek that.
   i felt pretty awful for my mum who sat there with me.

like for myself. i couldnt disguinish whether it was the anorexia talking, trying to make me feel sick and think that i was sick. or if i actually felt that way.
   it was hard ot eat my last snack aswell. but i decided that i might aswell. like im just gonna go to Mando tomorrow, and that there was no point in like tyring to pull a "i feel so sick" even though i did. i mena mum wouldnt believe me... the like food poisioning, or whatever it was hte dya before was gone. i didnt feel like throwing up (well i did... but not like a sick throwing up more of a getting rid of the food throwing up.) but i actually didnt.
   so got up this morning, my stomach was kinda sore. jsut whne i was about to eat... strange. so im wondering if i actualyl do feel sick or if my mind is jsut making me think i am!!

(Hahah i sound so... i dont know hte word, but so like... as if im accpeting that thers is somethign inside of me, and its no longer me. weird. but scary. i dont like want to think that way... :/)

Our lussebullar (Before baking!)

Slightly burnt, but they were still fluffy and soft!!

Christmas light!! :):)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Blast from the Past.

Yesterday for dinner i had this already coked mince (from my birthday) which we had kept frozen adn then i took spaghetti.
   bt i stared ot feel kinda sick. nauseous. bt mm wasnt home, it was jst me and my ister, bt i didnt say anything.
it wasnt ntil i was gonna have my night snack,( mum was home by now) that i really did feel sick. i coldnt take another bite.
   i jst told mm, that i had a really bad stomach ache. adn asked her abot the mince. maybe i hadnt cooked it right or something.
  but i just lay on the sofa feeling horrible and then sddenly i was throwing up.
bt it felt so wrong. like i was kinda thinking, is this the 'anorexia' or do i actually feel this way? like it didnt feel right.... the whole throwing up.
  then i fell asleep on the sofa and later in the night  i woke up bt coldnt egt back to sleep so i was up jst reading and then later on (night/morning? not sure i didnt check the time) i fell asleep, in my own bed.
   mm woke me up at 7. (she thought it was 8, bt i was spposed to get up at 7 anyway) and seh wanted me to go to Mando. but i still had a sore stomach. like i jst kind of cried saying that i couldnt go adn what happens if i go there and my weight has dropped (as i threw up yesterday an didnt have my night snack.) that will really fuck things up for christmas, bt she things that if i dont go today that will ruin thing.
    finally she was like, Ok, stay home today. aslong as i try to follow my meal plan. i mean i will. i wasnt thinking about skiving from it anyway.
   so she called my supervisor but we havent got an answer yet. it was just voicemail.

but i wonder what she will think. i mean she gets really suspicious. she'll think that i tried to purposely make myself sick or jstu telling mum so that i dont have to go... yes that would be  a good plan. but if i wasnt actaully sick. mum would see through it... i know.
   so worried about that. but today im going ot relax. stay in my pajamas all day. watch a couple of films... tkae a long shower!! try to feel better.

But all of this seems just a tad bit too familiar. i mean, i cant be fully sure but i kind of date when i first stared puking was when i got a really ad stomach ache from this chicken i ate. not sure if it was cooked properly or not. and then i was puking fomr that. but a week later.. no stomach ache. but still puking (secretly) thinking i was still sick.... so i mean.... whats going to happe now? will i htink its ok to puke... will i start doing it again... .especially if i got to Ireland when it will be so easy to just sneak off to the bathroom. ???
    its almost scary how same this is.

and just yesteday i was hoping to never have to go to Mando. to llose weight..... Hmmm.... am i getting what i wished for?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Lussebullar!

Doing a bit of baking now! Lussebullar. its a typical swedish pastery baked. and its usually baked around this time, for Lucia. which is like a swedish festival or seomthing. to be honest i dont knwo much about it, i should really! :) i might do a bit of research. i know there is singing done and all that, but thats about it! :) Haha.

so yeah.... im not so sure how they'll turn out. the last time me and my sister tried baking them we left the timing to my mum, she forgot about them in the oven. so they burnt! haha... hopin this time they willl be better!! :)
  thats my evening! :)

dreading tomorrow. i dont want to go back to Mando.... :/ My christmas wish is to not have to go back to that place... EVER.... but i know very well that that means gaining weight and just getting the hell over this. but i mean..... my mind seems to want to do the veyr opposite. like for hte past week all ive thought about is wieght lsoee and been extra sensitive abotu my weight. like crying jsut looking down at my stomach. and ive even been self harming more than normal... so i mean... really thats not so good. but i know that i need to gain weight, i cant jsut wish to coem out of Mando. i need ot work .... but maybe if things go well while im away they'll see that i can be awya frm mando, and thigns will go ok... but in all honesty. i have no idea how i will act there. i mean icant promise that ill follow my meal plan. like im having a really tough time withe veyrthing (not the following of my meal plan, but my mind taking over.)

Ok.... away from that!
  time ot put some christmassy music on, and carryong with baking!! :) :) :)

The recipe... jsut in case someone wants so try!!

Saffron buns
Ingredientsabout 35 pc50 g yeast100g butter5 cups milk250 g Arla kitchen quark quark easy2 bags of saffron, 1 g1 1 / 2 cup sugar1 / 2 teaspoon saltabout 17 ml flour
Garnish:raisins
Glazing:1 egg
Do this
Crumble yeast into a bowl.Melt the butter in a saucepan.
 
Add the milk and heat to lukewarm, 37 degrees.Pour the milk and butter over the yeast. Stir to dissolve yeast.
 
Add the cottage cheese, saffron, sugar, salt and most of the flour.Work dough until it becomes shiny and smooth and releases from the bunker edges.Add more flour if necessary. Let rise covered for about 40 minutes.Preheat the oven to 225 degrees.Work the dough on a floured surface and shape it into about 35 bugs or fantasy figures.Place them on greased sheets. Garnish with raisins.Let rise, covered for about 30 min. Brush with beaten egg.Bake in the oven for 5-8 minutes.bigger buns bake at 200 degrees for 10-15 minutes.


(Sorry the recipe was in swedish so had to use Google Translate!! :) not so sure how accurate!)


how they should turn out!! :) :) :)





Tired girl. :/

Yesterday we went out and bought my camera! Yay!
  Hahah... that was hte most important thing to say! :)

we were plannin on going ot go to a friends hosue, but i didnt feel like going. i waas worried about the food. about meeting them. (i didnt want to socialise.). so after finally perswazing my mum tat i would eat when i got home she let me go home on my own.
   when i ot home i cooked dinner. and then i watched a film - The Runaways!! it was really good.
  But i was so tried that i could jstu haev fallen asleep. i didnt realise how tired i would get fomr jsut that little trip down to like the shop (Siba... which i suppsoe ti did take us like an hour to get there)

that was it for my day... so tired.

today i didnt do much either. mum was actually mroe relaxed. which was nice. i jsut got on with the eating. even tkaing the scandishake myself. but i did get veyr bad thoughts. i suddenly didnt want to eat. wanted to lsoe weight. like i find it unfair.. everyone else seems o be telling me that i need to gian weight and have cnotrol over my body and wieght. but hte thing is... that its my body. and i dont actualyl want to gain weight.  im tired of it. i mean jstu last week i started to panic and got really upset because i realised that wehn i flex my arm muscles my bone doenst stick out. and you can no longe see my ribs, unless i hold my breathe. and i can no longer put my hand around my calf. and it made me sad, because that was when i finally realised that i had gained weight. that i was no longer "thin." :( is it stupid to think like that?

today anyway there was a big arguement. i think we were all tired. but like we would argue. thigns would calm down adn suddnely things would flare up again. to be honest. i dont know what we argues about. part of it was me, becase i refused to eat hte yoghurt we had at home, because it has more calories than the one at Mando.
  at mum wa slike i shold jsut eat what we have at home. because shes tired of buying "special" food for me. its like, its not special. it what stands on my meal plan. :/ but nyway.

tomorrow im back at mando. hopefully things have gne ok. like in all honesty i do kinda wish that ive lost wieght.... but i mean, i do want ot go to ireland, and thats jsut in a  weeks time... so basically my weight has to go up. :/

but whats new? this post is basically like all the others... my life really isnt that interesting or different. i mean, im routines. i do the same thign eveyrday int he same order... it doesnt change. but i panic when it does. when i have to skip soemthign or change seomthing... then i panic.... so my posts are the same!! Oh the joy!!
   it wll be fun when i can write baout all the good thigs i do int e day how my life is moving forward and the day wehn im told you no longer have to come ot Mando. or the day i cant hrow away my meal plan!! thoose should be the days i write baout here!! :)

But my blog is kinda like an online diary. when im better ill be able to read back and be like.... God, i was depressed and self harmed like shit.
  and that day was good and on that day was hte day i first tried pizza and so forth!! :)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Early morning baking!!

After breakfast, and having rested i had nothing to do. but mum asked if i wanted to do like marzipan figures!
   sofirst i made shapes out of marzipan then dipped them in melted chocoalte and then added some cocnut shavings!!
   havent tastd so not so sure what they taste like.. but i was fun to do!! :)

i want to bake Luciakatter as its Lucia on Monday (r is tomorrow?) so i think we might do that!! the last time we baked Luciakatter, we burnt them!!! :) and there was no saffron, so basically they were jsut pieces of burnt dough!! :):)

haha, we seriously fail at baking.... but its so much fun!! :)

My reindeer!

Heart!!

Reindeer! :)

some coconut shavings!!

chocoalte abth for Mr.Reindeer!!! :)

Hahah!! :) after his chocoalte bath!

Smiley!

SOME of my marzipan shapes!


Haha... it was good fun!

the funny thing is....

Ok so last weekend while i was home, on the saturday we went into town as mum was looking for a bok ad hten on sunday we went to the christmas market. but i did end up missing my three snack. which mum seems to blame me for.
   and mum was starting to trust me, let me get on with what i was doing. she wasnt a complete hawk.
but now, the (funny) thing is... that now she is. i dont know what my supervisor has said to her, or what... but shes a complete hawk. watching em lke a hawk. adn arguemtns are just starting.... uugghh... i dont know what has happend. and she keeps threatening me "if you dont do this you wont eb allowed ot go to ireland." or "thats not right, you wont be able to see your dog, you and me will say ehre while your sister goes to irealnd."
   she threatening me. and its unfair.

but sure, what can  i expect?

Er.... today i think were gonna go look for a camera... a late birthday present. and then maybe go to a friends house. really im not allwoed out of hte hosue this weekend... Ugghh.... so nto sure what we actually do.
  This morning i showed mum my video (i posted it on the blog) she got really upset oer it. and quite shocked about teh  pictures. bt really. they're not that bad.

Thats it today.

so far hte weeknd isnt going so great. ://

Thursday, December 9, 2010

things are NOT good.

Not going to get into the whole messy thing, or tell you what is going on inside of me. but things arent good.
   i get to go home for the weekend. Friday to monday. so yay.
 But that jsut doesnt matter anymore.

i no longer care for life. and this time, things are worse.

ive got my mum and siste all worried though. cus i called my sister jsut crying and like hyperventilating, and hten hung up. and she called back but i didnt answer. and tehn mum called but i was so angry that i jsut screamed at her.

when i first tried calling my mum i didnt get an answer. but i needed one. i needed seomone to talk to. i couldnt be alone. and cus i was... my mind took over. making me think awful things, and making me realise that a razor works veyr well for self harm. :(
  
i wanted to talk to soemone. i wanted mum to be beside me nd hug me and tell me that thigns would eb fine. but she wasnt there. no one was.
  so i had to go through this wave of emotions on my own.

Urrrghh... im such an attention seeker. i really am. cant things jsut stop ?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

my story.

My story in pictures.
video

Christmas decorations!

So today... the christmas decorations haev gone up!! its pretty but is like... "Dont remind me that its christmas..."
   i mean im in Mando, do ineed ot be reminded that its christmas and i might be here for it? oK, well not really .as im eading back to Ireland and apparently either this week or next week i SHOULD get to live at home  again!! So good!! but for that to happen mums gotta turn into a bitch. shes gootta be like a supervisor, tha wont work. i mean, fine if she watches me prepare the food and sits with me, but i mean id shes gonna turn into my supervisor... wel Damn, it would eb better ot stay at the hotel. Like i dont know what was said at the meeting yesterday but they thought that maybe my mum ahd an eatin disorder or soemthing wa sup with her? WHAT? i dont get it. like thigns have gone fine at home... it was just las weekend, my weight didnt go up, but it didnt drop. so i dont get what they're thinking? and they're really telling my mum like to eb damn strict with me.. i dont get it... teres just jumbled thoughts in my head!!
   but back to the christmas decorations!!

i mena for hte poor girls in HDV, if your coming in now, well i doubht youll eb home for christmas. like i mean two weeks is nothing.
  so i feel sorry for them. i mean i just stared at hte chrsitmas tree and was like WTF? your basically taunting me, letting me know that im in here while evryone (apart from the others in here) are out and about doing christmas shopping, baking christmas treats and doing fun stuff (ok, fine thers stuff like studying for tests and not so fun stuff as well!)
   this post is just jumbled... my mind is acting all funnny. heres soemthing in there that wants to come out, but i jsut cant seem to get it out o my mind, to write it out....

Well my work seems to be piling up. i have so much reading and wrirting to do. its tiring.
  yesterday wehn  went to the maths, i sat there for forty minuts and jsut couldnt do antyhing. and the maths teacher at Mando was jsut like, oh ok... well i ll send in this attempted question and let your math teacher grade it. your maybe  a G (thatslike well done. or soemthing... ont understand this system but it would eb a D anyway in the normal system) and im jsut like. give me a break. dont send in that page. its not my faul. i actauyll couldnt concentrate and cus i couldnt concentrate i was angry at myself and like in tears.
  and then i took eveyrhting she said Personal that i was jsut well done and that "once im better" i can get a better grade... ugghh.... i feel like such a failure, it makes me want to jsut give up schoolwork.
   but i know evyerone is studying now, the christmas tests... so im not the only one.






^^Christmas last year!!^^^

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Home for christmas.

So im going home for christmas... TO IRELAND!! ahah.. not what you expected right? me'n neither!!
   the thing is, the tickets are booked, but if im allowd to go? thats what im not sure about.
 mum was gonna talk ot htem baout that today.

but it will be soo good! see my dog, mu family, not be in Mando for chrsitmas.

but the first thing i thoug of when i was told was - I can lsoe weight!!
   and i did a bit of happy dancing and a abit of chanting - im gona lose wieght, im gonna lsoe wieght!! and that carrie dona ll night nad i went to sleep happy knowing that in two weeks time i will have two weeks to lseo as much weight as i want!!
   when i wok up i thought a bit realistically. ill jsut be back in HDV if tat happens. bt still... its so tempting. i mean. i cant say what i will do. but i feel like 70% that im ognna go to ireland and do my vyer hardestt o lsoe wieght. there is a art of em that knows its stupid. cus ill be back as an inpatiant. and jsut have to gain all the wieght again.
   but i feel so fat. its horrible.

im excited about going home though!! :) nt sos ure how thigns will go though... im worried. i mean i wont get  amoment to myself... i know it.  not sure if ill have internet either...: ):) haha!

The small bit of information which ive gotten out of mum about the meeting is that they were planning about letting em come home, some time in december. (this month) but if thigns dont go well, if my wieght does go up im gonna be back in HDV. god they liek to threaten dont they? how many times have hty said this to me? its like fuck off. my weight is soemthwere like 48kg. (most prob) so i ahev seomthing like 2 kilos unti live reahed my goal weight, so dont tlak to me liek  need ot be back in HDV, cus 48 is fine. its not like im the 40kg (i was around that weight) wehn i was admitted.  Urrghh im so angry, i could punch something.
  and that mum needs ot sit with me for all my meals (that doesnt bother me too much, or it does kinda, cus i was kinda set on skipping seom meals and taking off soemthings you know to lose weight... i think my supervisor knows htat. that these are hte thoughts going on in my head. so shes really advising mum.) and no activity... ugh fuck them. basically im jsut gonna sit inside while im in ireland. :/
   fuck te whole bunch of them.

im so tired of evyerhting now.

i feel fat and ugly and i dont feel like living anymore. :/ nothign gets easier no matter how hard i try.
  nobody sees hte good. jsut the bad. they jsut see wehn im walking, they jsut see when i take the stairs, they jsut see when i do evryhting wrong. never when i sit still or take the lift. they see when i end up spilling my food or when i mess up with my meal plan but they never see when i fight through the inside battle thats going on with in me.
  they dont register how tough eveyrhting is for me. they jstu see when eveyrthing goes wrong and thats all they judge me on.




Meeting.

So i havent really written antyhgin. havent had much to say. or i haev. but its been jsut hte same. feeling depressed. sad. lonely. not haveing a clue whats going on.
   today i was told though that i hadnt gained hte wieght which i had lost fmr england. so either i wait till friday to see if my weight has gone up and if it has, then i can come home till sunday or that i add seomthing to my meal plan. i'll tkae hte chance nad wait and see.
   so that was that,

Yesterday was Monday. nothing to much. was weighed. that was about the msot exciting thing. well i did cry dring dinner. cus it was fish and potatoes. but in my like pot, it was like no fish. jstu sauce and i just said htat i wanst gonna take like 20% sauce (70gram) and the staff was like, well you have to.... fuck her. so anyway, i was like crying durin dinner... or not crying. but tears were rolling dwon my cheeks. nobody seemd to give a shit.
   then i came down to the hotel adn like called mum, i felt all ixed up inside. sad and loney and angry and jsut every emtion. i didnt want to be here but yet i knew i have to... but when i called she idnt say antyhing, therewas jsut silence. so tehn i hung up and my anger took over making me self amr... yadda yadda, thats not unusauaal nanymore. i swear my arms (or left arm as i know im gonna hvae the activity monitor again so cant have new scars ont hat arm) is like scratched raw and red. but whatever... it will fade in time.
   then today.. well i was caught taking the stairs. i do admit tat i take them. sometimes i take the lift, when i need hte mirror anyway. but this morning it ok the stairs cus the cleaner was cleaning hte lift (at like 8am? kinda unbleivable and unnecessary) anyway i told her that the cleaner was in there. not sure if she believed me.
  then i went ot the library today. but theres no good english books left. so ive ot no book to read. :/ Hmmm.
Er... yeah. then mum had the metting today. not sure how that went. she came down, opened hte door and i was standing. so i tried asking her what had happend. but she got cross at me fr standing, i stormed off. and now shes somewhere and im in my room typing this.
  so not the greatest bt fuck it. i cant be bothered.

i suppsoe ill write when i know what was said int he meeting.

that was it... theres more but its not important or interesting and anyway ive forgotten it all!!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Some photos from England and my birthday!

Me and my dad (the day of the wedding!) - Not such a greta picture, but i wore this black strapless dress and this black like jacket coat thing(not sure what you call it) and then my fabulous black heels!
^^My heels!^^
Me ad my nanny!
Me!

My new hat!!

The carousel we went on!! Me in the lef corner!! Hehe

Hehe!

My birhday cake... i made it!! Didnt eat any though..

Hehe.... making hte cake!!

Waiting for our flight back!! I look kinda scary! :) lol

My lil birthday gift from my sister - Cherry Blossom body lotion and shower gel... went perfectlly with the cherry blossom perfume (which i wanted for like two years and picked out) and dad got me for my birthday!


There are some delayed photos!!

That christmas feeling!!

It really does feel liek chirstmas. with all this snow, and all the decorations going up!! hteres even a christmas tree in our little center!! its quite nice! :)
   This morning, i ate what i was supposed to be. but it was VERY hard. i kep getting these thoughts like i shouldn eat. and it was very hard. i so abdly wanted to do wrong. i didnt want to eat. surprisngly, i actualy got through it.
  but then i had this ike 3 hour long clothes break down. i couldnt find anythign to wear. i felt fa and horrible. like nothing fits me. my long tops, are like tight fitting (meant to be that way) but they make my stomahc stick out. and then my short/tank tops, theyre too big on hte hips and ont he stomach so they're like too big. and hten with my trousers, theyre too big and make my ass look huge. so i was crying and i told my mum i would get liposuction adn get plastic surgery. she wasnt so glad aboutt hat. she tried to jstu talk to me and get me to change my mood. it didnt really work. so i changed clothes and changed again and finally i found something. to then change again and again.
   and then just before we were gonna leave i decided to change twice again.... my mum and sister were pretty pssed off. but the day was jsut going shitty and my thoughts were tkaing over. making everything so much harder.
  so by 3pm, we were finally out of hte house. we were going into Gamla Stan were htere was a christmas market.
  the market wasnt that greta. it was cold and busy and too many people. kind of unenjoyable.
  I tried Glugg... or whatever you call it. its this like swedish chrsitmas drink. i thought t was quite nice. but then mum relaised that once again, i didnt have anythign for my three snack.... i thought we would buy out. or go to a cafe. but eveyrwhere was packed. so mum was like, dirnk the Glugg and eat these ginger cakes (you got free with the drink) then atleats iw ould have something... but once i started drinkign hte glugg/glogg?(what) i realised that i had no idea what was in the dirnk. i mean it could be jsut suger for all i knew. so i staretd to panic and like cry, i couldnt drink it. mum at least held her patience with me and told met o atleats eat the biscuits. Which i did. but i suppose once again, i didnt eat anything for my three snack.... im worried about ym weight tomorrow... :(
   then we headed home and i ahd about a half hour ebfore i had to go again... back out into the snow.
 
Back at Mando now... :/

Hope thigns go well tomorrow with my wieght. and Tuesday my mum has the meeting. so hopefully thats about me coming home.

xxx

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Over for dinner.

Alrighty.
  Well this morning i found out that during hte weeknds, the staff dont make porridge. WTF? i was like, thats unfair. so they take away raisins/prunes and nuts (even though theyre so much easier tot ake then adding like another sandwich or taking a fruit or soemthing) and i mean, they only put out like one flaour of juice at a time, and then tell us that theres only that one flavour -Bullshit. and that we shoudl just take whats out. Ughh... thye drive me mad. :/
   i just want to get out of there.

so i left after the ten snack!! llike my first time out in maybe a week? no, Wednesday... thats still 3 days. but it wasnt so bad. it was cold but not as bad as i had expected.
   got home. and after a little whiel it was tiem to cook lunch. veggie burger and pasta.
 Then i skyped my best friend frmo Ireland!! it was soo good to talk to her!! my cheeks hurt after like ten minutes cus i was laughing so much!! :) SO nice to here from her. but i did find otu that when she last saw me, before i left for sweden (i had come out hte peadiatrics ward, after two weeks of NG feedin (Sond [in swedish] with the tube down your nose) and i really felt like crap. my weight then was around 46KG.
   but the day before i left for sweden and hte day i came out of the ward, i met up with her.  we went to this like restauraunt. i took a ceaser salad. picked at some of hte salad leaves.
   we then went shopping. iwasnt really in hte mod for it. i wasnt in the mood for anything. but i did want to go run aorund. i felt FAT and HUGE.
   but today when i tlaked to her i found out that she was actualyl scared of me. that she got really upset and worried. that i didnt look well. Dead. unhappy and that my hair was lank and that i didnt look good. and htat iwas really thin.
  i didnt see that nad i still dont even thoug him still told that im thin.

Anyway. then me and my sister and mum went into town. not sure if i was allowed but anyway!!
  we didnt do  much. went into Ahlens. had to change this ring i got for y birthday. it didnt fit. I suddenly didnt feel so good about ym fingers... they felt all fat and horrible. :(

Then my aunt came over, she was gonna give me my birthday gift. we were gonna cook dinner for her. btu suddenly i got really tired (Oh yeha.... i didnt have my three snack. cus it was 2.45 when we left and i said i would tkae it later as i ahd had lunch later, and i was planning on having soemthing. but everything jstu got late) so anyway i was tired and got all cross and couldnt be bothered. but i puleld myself together, seeing that this wasnt fair for my aunt.
  so we cooked rice with corn and tomatoe with prawns. it was ok.... not the nicest, simple and well... kinda bland but ok.
  then my sister and aunt had this chocolate cake with the taste of gingercake (Not sos ure what to call it in english) and cherry cream (made myself).
  
I got some lovely flowers and some money as a gift fmro my aunt!! :)

Its good to be home. but i find that my sister keeps picking fights with me. all the time. and now im jsut geting annoyed and theres only so much you can avoid until you jsut start shouting and swearing. and im about to burst. i mean my sister is older than me, sehs suppsoed to be more mature and not pick fights iwth me. i dont know whats going on. but its so hard to jsut ignore her. when its over eveyrthing. she has comebacks and this attitue, shes liek turned into a bitch. i dont know if hse has lke resentment towards me or what... but its making me sad. :(
   i want to come home and just have a good time not argue. :( Sure, what can i expect??

That was my day today.
   It was ok.

Ugghhh now my sister is again tring to pick a fight with me..... i hate it. would i jstu  be better off at Mando??
  this was why  actualyl wanted to be at Mando... cus  we were always arguing. i cant take it. i cant take arguement. i jsut burst into tears but my sister just keeps going, calling em stupid, a bitch, selfish, ignorant.... its like the voice inside my head is being voiced. :(

 shoulnt be posting this online. i know it will ony, haunt me, but i need ot get it out.... i fel im about to burst.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Laughter = Good mood inhancer!

Just watched an episode of Simpsons, and you knwo what? I was laughing along to it! It felt really good! It feels like i havent laughed ina  long time! Hvaent had anything to really smile or laugh about!!
   But i suddenly felt ina  really good mood!! Was singing (haha... you dont want to hear that!) along to soem christmas songs on he radio, and wanted to dance... (not such a good idea) but not dance as exercise dance but dance as in im in a good mood!! just want to laugh,smile,dance,sing!! :)
   it felt so good!

As i was ina  good mood i decided to treat myself! Or be kind to myself!! Just after washing my hair and shaving my legs!! and now ive got a Vanilla Fudge face mask on!! :) So good!
  And im still in a  happy mood! Realised how happy i am about coming home and not staying at Mando all weekend. Like ok, i would have preferred to come home today, but sure... what can i do about it? atleast i get to come home, some girls dont even get to do that!! so i just keep on smiling!

Im gonna watch another episode of simpsons now while i wait for my face mask to do its work!! :) feeling releaxed enough to actually sit down and enojy wathcing a bit of telly online!!

I think im gonna watch a funny film or funny series every night befre bed, so i can go ot bed happy. I find i go to bed feeling sad and lonely.... But thats about to change!! im gonna be happy! :) (Or try my best!)

- No self harm tonight! - :D


^^Old picture (last year!)

Confusion.

So as i understand it. My supervios is confused about me. Because before when i lsot wieght, half a kilo the next day i was wieghed again, and that half kilo was back again. of course mysueprviosr didnt tell me that, jsut that things were going well. but she told my mum. so she said that she was really confused about that. wondering if i had some tricks, if i was playing at soemthing.
    but anyway.

then yesterday, if i wanted to go home, i would have to gain a kilo in what, yesterday till this morning. Is that even possible? i mean, as far as i was told, im suppsoed ot go up half a kilo in a week. so you expect me to go up double that in a day? thats kind of unfair.
   but anyway. from wednesday till this morning ive gone up half a kilo. that really made m panic. i mean WTF? like i want to come home, but sitll...it makes me panic.
   but she was like, if you had gone up that kilo then you would ahev been allowed home this afternoon (i go home tomorrow after my ten snack adn bac again for Sunday dinner. so i suppose thats fair) but its like..Err... im not the one controlling my wieght gain. well not really. i mean i ate evrything and my butt was practically plastered to the chair. (most probably why i went up) so i mean... i did right by going up, its not me who goe slike.. Oh well today ill go up 2 kilos and then tomorrow ill drop a kilo and so forth. so i mean that was kind of unfair.
  she was punishing me for soemhting that wanst my fault.
 I called mum and cried. saying that im glad to be coming home, but that my supervisor was like punishing me. anywya, i jsut have to build a bridge and get over it.  


and about the whole butter mess up. well she basically said that if i do that im just messin up for myself, not anyone else. so if i carried on like that things will just go wrong.