Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, December 5, 2016

New week and last month of the year

This post was originally supposed to be up on the 1st of December, last week... but well life got in the way and there was no time to post so i thought i might as well make a new post for the start of this week!

I thought this post had posted this morning, but i guess not!! XD

Its now only 3 weeks left of the year, roughly and this year has passed by like crazy. At times the weeks have flown by and other times it feels like it has been a standstill. The year may not be over yet but i dont know what to say about this year.... so much has changed, ive grown and changed as a person and experienced so many different things. Lots of positivity and lots of negativity, but through it all ive become stronger and gotten experience and of course makes dealing with life just that bit easier when you have been through things already! If i am honest, i just want this year to be over with now. I dont personally believe that a "new year, new me, everything will get better/change" mindset, because it is all about what you do with your life and your choices. In the end a new year is basically just the same as a new day and there is no point sitting around and waiting to make changes until its a new year - just like people sit and wait until a new week to make changes when infact you can make a change right now!!

 I mostly want a new year because i want to leave 2016 behind me, i just like that "new and fresh feeling" and the excitment of what a new year can bring. Of course there will be ups and downs and highs and lows in 2017, but its like a fresh 365 days which i get to experience and live through and that makes me excited. Imagine how life can be a year from now? So much can happen and change that makes me very excited and happy at the moment!!

So how am i going ot make the best of these last 3 weeks of the year?

First off, its lectures and studying so that i can take a break during Christmas and new years and not have to worry about studying for my exam too much (if i put the work in beforehand!).

Second, i am going to do some reading. I got a book as a birthday present called "according to yes". I have no idea if it is good or not, but i think reading a book and spending less time infront of a computer will do both me and my eyes a good thing! I'll let you know if i actually start reading or not  - i have a habit of getting distracted and finding youtube videos more interesting. I.e if i amnt reading university litterature or reading articles or researching i dont really feel like reading which is a little silly!

Third, make sure to get some fresh air everyday. Its so easy for me to just jump onto a bus, head to the gym, do strength training, then head to school and sit in lectures all day and then jump onto a bus and sit in the sofa all evening, the only time i really get fresh air is when i stand and wait for the bus. Or the days where i decide to go for a walk instead of the gym, but those days arent as often, haha. But i have found a walking route where i live so going to go out and explore that route and see where i end up!

Fourth, since my test and the move are over i dont feel stressed at all so i want to keep it this way for the reaminder of the year!! Just enjoying each day and not worrying or stressing, just feeling at peace and calm!

Fifth, i might do some more vlogs as i now i have a little more time to edit videos but also that as i live on my own i can freely vlog as long as the lighting is ok, hahah! So if you want me to vlog just let me know... or maybe do some fulldays of eating if that would be of interest to anyone :) Or just suggest video ideas, maybe ill do some baking or cooking and film that if that is of interest (of course these would be done during the weekend as i spend my days at university during the weekdays).

Sixth, just make the best of these last few weeks. Enjoy them, stay happy, make sure to not catch a cold and just keep energized :) hahah

Do you have any goals for the remainding weeks of the year?

Sunday, December 4, 2016

72 hours with my family in gothenburg

Hello everyone!!!
A long 72 hours have now passed and I'm trying to remember everything I've done!!!of you follow me on Snapchat you've most probably already seen some of what I've been up to!!! :)

Usually after a weekend I feel rested and ready for school but not after this weekend.  It's been full days with my parents and I actually feel like I could do with a day just to myself!!! Safe to say that it feels good to get back to an empty apartment this weekend even if I love my family dearly, I can sometimes feel drained of energy when I spend too much time with other people!

So, time to look back at the past 72 hours! Starting off with Friday! So first up a whole day of lectures and the first day of my physiology course. Luckily it's only repetition for me so hopefully this course won't be too demanding! And then after my last lecture I headed to the hotel where my mum who had traveled from Stockholm was! After getting some rest and opening a few late birthday presents we headed into town to eat dinner at my favourite vegetarian buffet place before we headed back to the hotel and spent the evening in the jacuzzi, drinking wine and having deep conversations!!! Hahaha apparently I am very much like a therapist when I drink I ask very deep questions.  My mum suggests I start a business where I am the therapist and people join me in a jacuzzi and drink alcohol and talk about their problems with me ^-^ hahahah.

Then it was Saturday which started with a hotel breakfast and I was happy with the range of vegan food,of course I wish there had been vegan pancakes or crossaints or maybe falafel but I really shouldn't complain, I could have just been served fruit!!! After that I got some reading done while my mum was at the spa, and after that we headed into town where my mum did some shopping and I mostly just wandered around like a little puppy and showed my mum around!!! Finally it was lunch time and we went to another of my favourite places, vigĂ„rda, where there are vegan burgers and salads and of course the fires are amazing!!!! And then post lunch we went to the store, Happy Vegan;  where they had their weekly event of food samples and I got some vegan chocolate, sea weed snacks, liquorice and a vegan croissant (to make up for the lack of it in the morning!). Then we headed back into town and I ended up getting my hair cut as it was very much needed (and the hair dresser I went to used vegan and cruelty free products, that was important that I checked beforehand!).

By this point it was only 4pm and we headed to the train station to meet my dad and younger brother who had arrived from Ireland to visit me this weekend!!! And first up we went to the place they are staying and we dropped off their bags before heading to another part of town where we went to dinner at a sort of pub. I knew they had a vegan menu which was supposed to be good however I wasn't super satisfied with what I ordered so got nachos with vegan cheese and soy meat to fill me up!!! And finally it was 9.30pm and my mum and I headed back to the hotel where it was just to go to sleep and try to get 8 hours of sleep!!!! Safe to say that I did a whole lot of walking and the whole of Saturday felt like a never ending day, but in a positive way!!!

Then Sunday, today! Once again starting the day with hotel breakfast before we packed our things, headed to the spa and then checked out of the hotel (hahah luxury to spend the weekend at a hotel and eat a breakfast buffet!). We headed into town, met my dad and half brother and wondered around town for a while before my mum took the train back to Stockholm and my dad and younger brother went to lunch. I must say, going somewhere to eat when there is a vegan, celiac and a person who doesn't eat vegetables or cheese is a difficult task hahahahha. I don't think any of us where super satisfied with the lunch but it was food so we really didn't complain!!!! As neither of us felt like walking around in the cold and dark we instead headed to the cinema to watch the new film from the book J.K Rowling wrote. I actually didn't know the plot of the film but that meant I had no expectations either!!! I must say I liked the film and the graphics but it's not on the list of top 10 films anyway, but worth to see in the cinema!!!

And finally to end my Sunday, we went to the store to buy food and made dinner back at the apartment my dad is staying at.  And I have to be honest..... being around the smell of bacon and eggs wasn't appealing or nice for me at all.  Makes me so thankful that I live on my own and that in February I'm going to move in with a couple who are also vegan so that I don't have to deal with the smell of meat in the house!!!

But to end this super long post, (and skip the pictures if you dont lile food photos as it's just a bunch of food and small other things!!!!) I will say that I have had an amazing weekend with my family and they mean so much to me!!! They are so caring and wonderful and to spend time with them means everything and to see my younger brother who is getting so much older now feels crazy!!! Not everyone has a great family and not everyone loves their family and that's OK, but for me I love my family and they have always been there for me and will always continue to be there for me!!!! I know they read my blog and they have read through the comments so they have been so caring for me as they know that the comments have gotten to me but I'm moving on and not letting them affect me anymore!!! I have had an amazing weekend and now I'm just ready for some me time and back to regular study and school!!! I hope you have all had a lovely weekend as well :)

Day 2

Recovery successes/progress of the week

Lets get some positivity and positive messages on here, so once again its time for a weekly, Recovery progress of the week!! I had started it on a Thursday but i feel like Sunday is the best day for this weekly segement because then you have the whole week to look back on, or maybe you feel.... Well its Sunday, last day of the week why not try my best to really face a fear or do something that might scare me, or maybe this post will just be a reminder for you to step outside of your comfort zone and dare to go against your illness!!!

My life progress of the week? Just spending time with my family, no control over things, no studying and no structure.

I like my routines and habits and i admit, i like to have control over my own life but times like this you just need to go with the flow and deal with the fact that there are no "plans set in stone" and no structure to the day.  Of course letting go of control and change of habits isnt something i struggle with so much anymore, but it was the only thing i could think about as a "Progress" of the week, hahaha. Or maybe i should just write that i kept my energy and positivity up during my move and when i felt anxious over all the "what ifs", but after taking time to think and getting back into routines again it feels so much better!!

So.... share your recovery successes of the week, i love reading them all and makes me so proud and happy over you alll!!!! And of course it is inspiration for all my other readers as well (I hope!)!

What is the worst thing about weight gain? Ask yourself why weight gain scares you?

In recovery you need to try to think rationally because your eating disorder is very irritational. Your eating disorder can make you scared of things which really you shouldn't be scared of, and you think irrationally around food. Because deep down inside you know that the food you are going to eat won't suddenly make you gain weight or won't suddenly turn to a clump on your stomach.

You need to ask yourself what is the worst thing about gaining weight, or what is it that scares you and is holding you back? Because it's not actual weight gain it's what you think might happen when you gain weight or the things connected with weight gain.  But you need to sit down and try to think rationally about weight gain and food and see the positives of those things. Your eating disorder is trying to kill you, is controlling your life and thoughts and won't lead to anything positive.  But you need to try to find yourself and the rational part of yourself who can think clearly.

Ask yourself why can others eat freely or somewhat freely and carelessly and you can't?
What will happen if you eat more or gain weight? Why would it be negative or positive?

Food is not the enemy, your eating disorder is. But with all fears whether it's mental illness related or just life related, you need to try to think rationally about those fears and try to come to a solution. You can't let fears hold you back and when it comes to eating disorders the fear of weight gain is a very irrational one. Weightless won't make you happier or smarter or more confident or prettier or any of those things,just like weight gain won't make you less pretty or less smart or less happy etc weight gain can however give better energy levels, better nutrition (hopefully!), better concentration and a healthier body!

However facing fears isn't just the theoretical and thinking rationally because in the end you need to face the fears. You need to do the thing that scares you, to prove to yourself what you can and that it's not as scary as you thought.  The anxiety and the what ifs beforehand are usually what hold you back,but once toy face the fear you realise it's not as bad as you thought and that you can face it again!  But also think, if others can do it... so can I!!!

Remember that food is your medicine and that to be healthy and free you need to face the fears that hold you back!

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Doing what makes you happy and taking control over your own life

Finding what makes you happy and motivated in life.

One of the things I have learnt in life is that your thoughts have alot of power over how you experience different situations as well as your happiness in life. If you are constantly thinking negative it's like you automatically attract negative situations but also that everything just seems worse when you can't seem to see anything positive or any solution to problems. Not to mention that if you always think "I can't do it" then the truth is you most likely can't.

In life you need to believe in yourself and believe that you have the power to change situations and control your life. You have to believe that nothing is impossible and that you can reach goals no matter how far off they may seem.

Of course getting too caught up in the future isn't always good, it's important to be in the present and make the best of current life.

Another thing I have learnt is that you can't sit around and wait for things to get better or sit around and wait for opportunities or happiness.  But instead you need to create them. You need to want to be happy and to do things that make you happy.  You need to focus on what is best for you and what you can do in your daily life to feel happy... whether that means going for a morning walk or having an hour in the morning to just sit and read and drink tea or whether that means getting to have evenings on your own or meeting friends or whatever it may be. You need to find what makes you happy and also to find what gives life meaning!!!! Remember that this your life and you are in control!!! You need to make the best or your life and focus on YOUR wellbeing and happiness.

I know what makes me happy and that is what makes life worth it. I know what I want to do, I know how to cheer myself up, I enjoy living life and that makes life worth it!

Take control over your life and don't be scared to make choices that are best for you and your well being!!!

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Eating through others

It would be helpful if you could write a post on eating through others as I have found myself doing it more and more just recently. If I really want to eat a certain food I keep putting it off and end up giving it or making it for others to eat instead. Or if I like a certaing food I will give it away or get it for others to eat. Why do I do this? Its as if I really can`t bring myself to eat the food myself, although I really want to.

This habit of making food for others and watching others eat and "eating through others" is a trait of the eating disorder and i used to be the same. I loved making food for others and cooking and baking and whenever i cooked food for my family i would use lots of butter and oil and cream and then just watch them eat.... it was like i was happy and satisfied by watching them eat. But also so incredibly jealouse that they could eat so freely and not care about what was in the food or care about the amount of oil or cream in the food. I was obssessed with what others ate and would count the calories in other peoples food and made food for others whenever i got the chance. I was a bit like a "feeder" which is basically people who love to feed others and getting satisfied by  doing that. It was a control thing and because i was so obsessed with food, food was always on my mind and if i couldnt eat the food myself then i could atleast make it for others and watch them eat. An incredibly disordered thing. It is one thing to cook food and enjoy cooking but you should also eat it and enjoy it yourself. While i was in recovery i wasnt allowed to cook food at all and even though i loved baking i was told that i was only allowed to bake if i would eat the food myself because otherwise i could easily bake both cookies and brownies and just not eat them (or like when i was in relapse and binging i would bake cookies and eat them all.).

The first thing is to admit that this is what you do and to admit that it is is a problem, which it seems like you have done. You have acknowledged that this is a negative and disordered behaviour and you can now take the steps towards changing it.

First off you need to realise that you "eat through others" because of your obsession with food and because of your eating disorder. You need to realise that you can eat the food you cook and make, infact you need to and should as well. But also i would suggest that you say to yourself that you cant cook for others... that during recovery you can only make food which you will eat yourself or to only eat food that others make for you. I know it can be scary but it does get easier and you have to face the fear, you have to be able to eat meals that have been made by others, but also to not get caught up in what others are eating. The first step is to be able to nourish yourself, fuel yourself before you can start trying to feed others.

Bbut also distractions and other things in your life. I would suggest talking to someone who can help you with advice and just someone to talk about these behaviours with. But also trying to do other things in your day. When you find a hobby or interest then less time is spent thinking and focusing on food, but also you spend less time in the kitchen. Food should be eaten to give you energy and satisfaction, but food shouldnt be everything in your life. Maybe you can meet friends or spend time with family or do other things rather than just think about food. And whenever you want to cook for others or make food for others, do something else... distract yourself.  And if you do need to or want to cook for others, then you need to eat the food yourself and NO putting away a "healthier" dish for yourself... instead you eat what others eat as well, that is part of recovery and you need to eat the portion sizes that you need. No minimal portion sizes!!

As you begin to gain weight/nourish your body properly and focus on other things in your life and find distractions and hobbies and interests, there is less focus on food. And that should be your goal, that food is part of your life but not  your whole life. It is also about changing your thoughts, asking yourself why you enjoy "eating through others" and what you can do to change that - and that means actaully eating food yourself and doing other things in life!!

Give it time, keep facing your fears and know that you can recover but then you need to be honest about these things and make a change, but also opening up about these problems and getting help!!! :)

If anyone else has any advice about this comment below!!!