Life without Anorexia
Monday, December 5, 2016
I thought this post had posted this morning, but i guess not!! XD
Its now only 3 weeks left of the year, roughly and this year has passed by like crazy. At times the weeks have flown by and other times it feels like it has been a standstill. The year may not be over yet but i dont know what to say about this year.... so much has changed, ive grown and changed as a person and experienced so many different things. Lots of positivity and lots of negativity, but through it all ive become stronger and gotten experience and of course makes dealing with life just that bit easier when you have been through things already! If i am honest, i just want this year to be over with now. I dont personally believe that a "new year, new me, everything will get better/change" mindset, because it is all about what you do with your life and your choices. In the end a new year is basically just the same as a new day and there is no point sitting around and waiting to make changes until its a new year - just like people sit and wait until a new week to make changes when infact you can make a change right now!!
I mostly want a new year because i want to leave 2016 behind me, i just like that "new and fresh feeling" and the excitment of what a new year can bring. Of course there will be ups and downs and highs and lows in 2017, but its like a fresh 365 days which i get to experience and live through and that makes me excited. Imagine how life can be a year from now? So much can happen and change that makes me very excited and happy at the moment!!
So how am i going ot make the best of these last 3 weeks of the year?
First off, its lectures and studying so that i can take a break during Christmas and new years and not have to worry about studying for my exam too much (if i put the work in beforehand!).
Second, i am going to do some reading. I got a book as a birthday present called "according to yes". I have no idea if it is good or not, but i think reading a book and spending less time infront of a computer will do both me and my eyes a good thing! I'll let you know if i actually start reading or not - i have a habit of getting distracted and finding youtube videos more interesting. I.e if i amnt reading university litterature or reading articles or researching i dont really feel like reading which is a little silly!
Third, make sure to get some fresh air everyday. Its so easy for me to just jump onto a bus, head to the gym, do strength training, then head to school and sit in lectures all day and then jump onto a bus and sit in the sofa all evening, the only time i really get fresh air is when i stand and wait for the bus. Or the days where i decide to go for a walk instead of the gym, but those days arent as often, haha. But i have found a walking route where i live so going to go out and explore that route and see where i end up!
Fourth, since my test and the move are over i dont feel stressed at all so i want to keep it this way for the reaminder of the year!! Just enjoying each day and not worrying or stressing, just feeling at peace and calm!
Fifth, i might do some more vlogs as i now i have a little more time to edit videos but also that as i live on my own i can freely vlog as long as the lighting is ok, hahah! So if you want me to vlog just let me know... or maybe do some fulldays of eating if that would be of interest to anyone :) Or just suggest video ideas, maybe ill do some baking or cooking and film that if that is of interest (of course these would be done during the weekend as i spend my days at university during the weekdays).
Sixth, just make the best of these last few weeks. Enjoy them, stay happy, make sure to not catch a cold and just keep energized :) hahah
Do you have any goals for the remainding weeks of the year?
Sunday, December 4, 2016
My life progress of the week? Just spending time with my family, no control over things, no studying and no structure.
I like my routines and habits and i admit, i like to have control over my own life but times like this you just need to go with the flow and deal with the fact that there are no "plans set in stone" and no structure to the day. Of course letting go of control and change of habits isnt something i struggle with so much anymore, but it was the only thing i could think about as a "Progress" of the week, hahaha. Or maybe i should just write that i kept my energy and positivity up during my move and when i felt anxious over all the "what ifs", but after taking time to think and getting back into routines again it feels so much better!!
So.... share your recovery successes of the week, i love reading them all and makes me so proud and happy over you alll!!!! And of course it is inspiration for all my other readers as well (I hope!)!
Finding what makes you happy and motivated in life.
One of the things I have learnt in life is that your thoughts have alot of power over how you experience different situations as well as your happiness in life. If you are constantly thinking negative it's like you automatically attract negative situations but also that everything just seems worse when you can't seem to see anything positive or any solution to problems. Not to mention that if you always think "I can't do it" then the truth is you most likely can't.
In life you need to believe in yourself and believe that you have the power to change situations and control your life. You have to believe that nothing is impossible and that you can reach goals no matter how far off they may seem.
Of course getting too caught up in the future isn't always good, it's important to be in the present and make the best of current life.
Another thing I have learnt is that you can't sit around and wait for things to get better or sit around and wait for opportunities or happiness. But instead you need to create them. You need to want to be happy and to do things that make you happy. You need to focus on what is best for you and what you can do in your daily life to feel happy... whether that means going for a morning walk or having an hour in the morning to just sit and read and drink tea or whether that means getting to have evenings on your own or meeting friends or whatever it may be. You need to find what makes you happy and also to find what gives life meaning!!!! Remember that this your life and you are in control!!! You need to make the best or your life and focus on YOUR wellbeing and happiness.
I know what makes me happy and that is what makes life worth it. I know what I want to do, I know how to cheer myself up, I enjoy living life and that makes life worth it!
Take control over your life and don't be scared to make choices that are best for you and your well being!!!
Saturday, December 3, 2016
This habit of making food for others and watching others eat and "eating through others" is a trait of the eating disorder and i used to be the same. I loved making food for others and cooking and baking and whenever i cooked food for my family i would use lots of butter and oil and cream and then just watch them eat.... it was like i was happy and satisfied by watching them eat. But also so incredibly jealouse that they could eat so freely and not care about what was in the food or care about the amount of oil or cream in the food. I was obssessed with what others ate and would count the calories in other peoples food and made food for others whenever i got the chance. I was a bit like a "feeder" which is basically people who love to feed others and getting satisfied by doing that. It was a control thing and because i was so obsessed with food, food was always on my mind and if i couldnt eat the food myself then i could atleast make it for others and watch them eat. An incredibly disordered thing. It is one thing to cook food and enjoy cooking but you should also eat it and enjoy it yourself. While i was in recovery i wasnt allowed to cook food at all and even though i loved baking i was told that i was only allowed to bake if i would eat the food myself because otherwise i could easily bake both cookies and brownies and just not eat them (or like when i was in relapse and binging i would bake cookies and eat them all.).
The first thing is to admit that this is what you do and to admit that it is is a problem, which it seems like you have done. You have acknowledged that this is a negative and disordered behaviour and you can now take the steps towards changing it.
First off you need to realise that you "eat through others" because of your obsession with food and because of your eating disorder. You need to realise that you can eat the food you cook and make, infact you need to and should as well. But also i would suggest that you say to yourself that you cant cook for others... that during recovery you can only make food which you will eat yourself or to only eat food that others make for you. I know it can be scary but it does get easier and you have to face the fear, you have to be able to eat meals that have been made by others, but also to not get caught up in what others are eating. The first step is to be able to nourish yourself, fuel yourself before you can start trying to feed others.
Bbut also distractions and other things in your life. I would suggest talking to someone who can help you with advice and just someone to talk about these behaviours with. But also trying to do other things in your day. When you find a hobby or interest then less time is spent thinking and focusing on food, but also you spend less time in the kitchen. Food should be eaten to give you energy and satisfaction, but food shouldnt be everything in your life. Maybe you can meet friends or spend time with family or do other things rather than just think about food. And whenever you want to cook for others or make food for others, do something else... distract yourself. And if you do need to or want to cook for others, then you need to eat the food yourself and NO putting away a "healthier" dish for yourself... instead you eat what others eat as well, that is part of recovery and you need to eat the portion sizes that you need. No minimal portion sizes!!
As you begin to gain weight/nourish your body properly and focus on other things in your life and find distractions and hobbies and interests, there is less focus on food. And that should be your goal, that food is part of your life but not your whole life. It is also about changing your thoughts, asking yourself why you enjoy "eating through others" and what you can do to change that - and that means actaully eating food yourself and doing other things in life!!
Give it time, keep facing your fears and know that you can recover but then you need to be honest about these things and make a change, but also opening up about these problems and getting help!!! :)
If anyone else has any advice about this comment below!!!