Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Star sign: Sagittarius

I know ive posted something similiar to this before, but i find that what it says on these pictures about sagittarius, it describes me SO WELL. So if you want to know more about me, how i am as a person and my behaviour.... then look at these. Otherwise, i guess this post isnt so interesting :) hahah






^^This is sooo true. I NEED my freedom, hence my freedom tattoo. I cant be confined or held back, not by others. And i dont allow myself to hold myself back from things i want to do either. But also, i love helping others, sharing my knowledge, which is evident on my blog! hahah

Are any of my readers sagittarius? Do these apply to you as well? 

Dealing with weight gain in recovery

*not my post*
Dealing with Weight Gain in Recovery
Recovery challenges are also super helpful in general, though these are the more body image-specific ones:
Also, I find affirmations SUPER helpful; here is a guide to making your own, as well as some sample affirmations:
  • "I trust my body to ask for what it needs. It has our best interests at heart!"
  • "I am a full person, NOT just the shape of my body or the number on the scale."
  • "This part of recovery is hard but I’m working on it."
  • “‘Perfect’ is overrated — I want to be happy/healthy/well!”
  • "This weight is just more to love!"
  • "I deserve to take up as much space as I need; if necessary, I will make space for myself. I do not have to shrink for ANYONE. I am important."
  • "I am worthy of love at any weight! My weight is completely irrelevant to my lovableness."

By saving myself, ive helped save lives.

Something which i was thinking about recently is that By saving myself ive helped save other peoples lives. Just by being me... im helping people. And thats a little crazy.

I didnt think i would sit here, helping people in the same situation as me only a few years ago. I didnt even think i would survive, there was a long period where i just gave up. Gave up on life and my future. I dont often tell this but when i was admitted for the 5th time as an inpatient and my life was pretty much hell... i wasnt allowed at Mando as they told me they couldnt help me, but i was too underweight to be at home. So i was either going to another ed clinic or the psychiatric ward. I felt it was too much, i was too tired. I didnt want to be sick anymore... but i couldnt see my future either. So it was then that i began planning that once i got time out i would overdose/jump off a bridge and just end it all. I even tried running away from inpatients to kill myself, but then i got my shoes and jacket taken away from me and wasnt even allowed any visitors. I hit rock bottom right then and there. I was so tired... phsyically and mentally. Everything hurt, it was like i was carrying around 100kg rocks around my neck. I was too tired to think, almost too tired to breathe. I was almost constantly on antibiotics and each cough shook my body, taking too much energy. I was also told that i wasnt allowed any visits at home because none of the staff trusted me. Each time i had been at home for the past year i had lost weight and done things wrong. So now they werent giving me any chances anymore.
  And it was somewhere there that i realised, This wasnt how i wanted to live my life. And when i made that choice, i somehow began to pull myself out of the black hole i was in. It was like a little flicker of light, somewhere in the distance kept me going. And i kept fighting.... i had a relapse which lasted a few months, i lost sight of my goal. Didnt quite know what i wanted... did i actually want to take that leap of faith into true recovery, or should i fall back into what i considered safeness. Having my ED, listening to my ED was safe. I knew it.... i knew how to be sick, but i didnt know how to be healthy. I didnt know how to be me, Izzy. I was unknown to myself.
   But instead of trying to go back to who i was when i was sick, or who i was before i was sick i began to recreate myself. To who i am now. And i love who i am now.... I am happy with myself. With my personality. I dont feel i need to change (Though ofcourse not being as quite might be a good thing, but thats something im working on!).

I saved myself. And then began saving others.

Hearing that i help you guys, my readers. It still amazes and shocks me. To hear that my words, my journey has inspired you enough to want to change your life as well. Given you motivation that there IS hope, that there is life after such an awful illness, that makes me so happy to hear. I dont earn anything from my blog, its all my freetime and hobby, but knowing that i help people is rewarding enough. It makes me want to continue writing, continue sharing my story. I have of course thought about writing a book (At the start of summer i said it would be my summer project, though that never happened.) Though im hoping some time in the next few years i will find motivation to write my story... to share my journey with more people.

I want you all to know that recovery IS possible and its worth it. Thats not something i would lie about. Though let me be honest, there might be times DURING recovery, or half recovery where you ask yourself, is this really worth it? The anxiety is too much, or you feel yourself getting depressed again or cant cope with the weight gain. But you need to fight those feelings. I have slipped into depression and self harm again since my recovery, but i fought my way through that once again. Life isnt easy. No matter who you are. But once you have truly recovered then you WONT regret recovery. You SHOULDNT regret the weight gain (to a healthy weight!). If you do regret recovery, i dont personally think you have fully recovered then. Because being sick, WANTING to have an eating disorder or be super skinny, that isnt a sign of mental health. And i dont think you can classify yourself as healthy or recovered if you long back to the days when you starved yourself.




















Looking at my pictures from now versus a few years ago, it puts a HUGE smile on my face. I have come so far, but also the smile on my face in pictures now is so genuine! Its not a fake smile, i look so happy. And i AM happy. Thats the MOST important thing. To be HAPPY AND HEALTHY!!!

Long day awaits

Last night i was struck with anxiety about to today. I didnt want to work, to have such a long day. I was scared of the unknown.... how will it go? What will i do? Will i meet nice people? etc etc
  Back at the start of summer my friend and I had both decided we would work at these 2 festivals and i was looking forward to it. But because of personal things she hasnt been able to work at either of these events. And i get it, i know whats going on in her life but at the same time i guess i had been looking forward to working with her as well.
  But i think this is a good thing for me as well, having to do new things. Meet new people. Otherwise its so easy to just get stuck with the same thing, never meeting new people. Now i get to work on my social skills, haha! I guess what im feeling as well is a lack of energy... school tired me out emensly, so now 10 hours or purely physical work? I know i can do it physically, its just the mental part i need to convince right now!






Lots of anxiety yesterday meaning that i tossed and turned last night, thinking of all the things that could go wrong. That i spend the whole day there just hating every second.... But now that im awake, im trying to think positive! No point being negative, ive already signed up for this and its too late to back down now. So the only thing is to think positive!

On another positive note, hopefully i will get my phone back today so then there shouldnt just be food pictures ;) hahah!!



You have your own struggles and battles

If you are sick with an ED, please dont compare yourself to anyone else who is sick.
   I used to do it all the time, i mean it didnt help the fact that i spent so long stuck in hospital amongst loads of other girls/giys who were suffering with the same illness.
  Everyday I saw the other patients, I compared myself to them. I told myself that i wasn't sick enough to be in hospital, didn't understand why i needed a wheelchair, whilst another girl who was just skin and bones didn't need one.
   I didn't understand why I, the fat one, had to eat so much more compared to the others. I cried because i thought the staff and doctors had just put in hospital to laugh at me, to make me so fat... to taunt me as i had to be around all the other skinny patients.
   I was only sick for 4 years, that was nothing compared to some people... so, i thought, i couldn't possibly be sick... im not sick enough.
 Not even with a BMI of 13 was i sick enough, because there were others who had a much lower BMI than I.... i never really saw myself as sick. At times i thought i was just a fake....
  
My scars were never deep enough, there were others who had more scars than me. Other patients who had attempted suicide more than me...
  It almost became a battle of who was sickest... comparison day in and day out.

I compared myself to those who were getting ebtter... wondered what they were doing. Why they were allowed more time at home... i then began thinking, well im sicker than them... because ive spent more time in hospital.

All of those thoughts ^^^Very sick thoughts.
  No matter if your lowest BMI was 12 or 16, no matter if you ate X calories or Y calories... it doesn't matter. Dont ever tell yourself that you aren't sick enough, because you have your own battles. Your own scars and journey...
  everyone is different and you can't/shouldn't compare yourself to others... It doesnt matter if you were only sick for 1 year, or 15 years... it really doesn't.
   If you have had an ED or are struggling with an ED, you still have/had hhad an ED, just for a certain amount of time... and you should in faact be happy if you managed to over come you ED in a shorter period of time, not feel bad because you weren't suffering long enough?

Please focus on yourself, on finding the motivation to recover, not compare yourself to others who are sick. DOnt make yourself even worse, lose even more wieght just to try to prove something to someone or to yourself.
  
Eating disorders are not competitions of who is the sickest/smallest/lowest weight or has eaten the lowest amount of calories... none of that matters. Your recovery and health is the only thing that matters.


Tuesday is like Monday, but worse

Tuesdays are like Mondays, but worse. You've already gone one day in school and you 3 days ahead of you and the weekend seems so far off....

All day ive been tired, trying to focus in class and put a smile on my face, but its like i've been absent. I blame it on the weather.
    Not sure if i will have time to blog today or for the next 2 days so i am going to give you a little fore warning now :)
   On Wednesday and Thursday i am working on a festival (building stages and the area etc) so 10 hours of that (10am to 8pm) so i am going to be exhausted and then its back to school on Friday and if my friends have decided to go or not i will go to the concert/festival after school ;)
  But first its time to get all my work done now, as i wont have time the next 2 days!!!

Anyway, heres a few pictures.... Me, Daisy and my afternoon snack (and after yoghurt with nuts as well!)








Apple pie bites

:
Raw Apple Pie Bites from The Healthy Maven:
  • 1 cup pitted dates
  • 1 cup dried apple rings, chopped
  • 1 cup rolled oats
  • 1 cup cashews
  • 1/2 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • 1/4 tsp sea salt
Instructions:
  1. Add dates and apple rings to a food processor and process until pea-sized.
  2. Add in cashews and process until dates, apple rings and cashews come together in a sticky ball.
  3. Break up the ball with your hands and add in the oats, spices and salt.
  4. Continue processing until all ingredients are well combined and have a sticky consistency.
  5. Roll into 20 or so balls.
  6. Store in fridge or freezer.

I like people who smile when its raining

Good morning everyone :)

At the moment i am feeling so distanced from my blog and even my email... Havent quite had the energy or time to invest on my blog. And its a little disheartening, i wish i could always keep a good standard, though thats not always the case. For now, im just looking for extra writing motivation, things to write about and soon i will be back to my normal blogging. You might not notice a difference - or maybe you do? - but i notice anyway. But i am trying my best :)

Today was my chance to sleep in and i took that chance :) I also had time for a morning walk which was exactly what i needed... i got my creativity going and suddenly i had 101 ideas for my project which i am doing this full school year. I was bursting with inspiration and couldnt wait until i came home to sit down and write all the ideas out - which is what im about to do now.
   At the moment i am sitting and listening to the rain outside (luckily it didnt rain when i was outside) and eating a super delicious breakfast! It feels strange to eat watermelon at the end of August, but the price went from 20kr/kg to 3kr/kg (i.e 2euro to 30 cent) So im planning on buy ALOT more watermelon as i bought one big one yesterday for 9kr (c.a 90cent!) and ive already eaten it all :):)

The rain and grey weather makes me feel tired and unmotivated, but instead... im going to try to smile. Drink an extra cup of coffee, take time to breathe and relax before school today! Today feels like a good day, even if im feeling a little tired!






How i make my oatmeal and my favourite breakfasts

Ive gotten asked how i make my oatmeal, so here is how i make it.

Usually 1 serving as i have so many toppings and things on the side so 1dl oats with water so that it just sort of mixes with the oats and then i add in 2-3 egg whites and bring to the boil. Keep stirring and then i mix in sweetner and cinnamon. Somedays i also add crushed psyllium seeds and extra water as that gives the oatmeal even more volume.
   For variation you can make overnight oatmeal, baked oatmeal, add protein powder to your eggs or even zuchinni and the latest trend is adding cauliflower to oats? Ive never tried that, i might someday... but for now i like my egg white oatmeal :)

For toppings i love cottage cheese, jam and nuts!! But also berries or frozen berries is yummy!! And of course milk (milk isnt always added when i take photos but i always add it afterwards :))

My other favourite breakfasts are

 my sweet egg cake with quark, nuts and milk.

Quark mixed with cottage cheese, funlight & berries, nuts and usually egg on the side.

Fruit salad with yoghurt & quark & lots of nuts. Egg on the side.

^^ Those are my personal favourites but other breakfast ideas are:

Smoothies and bread with topping such as cottage cheese with avocado or chicken. Or even butter and cheese is a standard :) Or even PB and jam on bread.

Omelette with vegetables and maybe some protein source and some bread or crisp bread on the side.

Pancakes or waffles!

Hot chocolate and sandwiches is a delicious winter breakfast.

Baked oatmeal or overnight oatmeal

Banana ice cream with toppings.

Home made oatmeal cookies (i.e same ingredients as making oatmeal but you bake it and add chocolate chips or something!)

Cereal/muslie/granola with banana and milk/yoghurt & maybe an egg or something on the side.











Long school day

Monday and im still trying to wrap my head around my schedule, trying to fit all the piecs together. So far so good. At the moment in all my classes test dates and deadlines and assignments are being thrown at me and really we havent even begun working yet. Its like they are trying to stress us. Though im not feeling stressed, not yet anyway. I feel... i dont have time to feel stressed? I need to put my energy on better things than that! I know ill stress later when it comes to christmas time, haha.

After school i left my phone to be fixed and not sure how long it will take so now im trying to fix a borrow phone which i can use for the period that my phone is getting fixed. Though im thinking, it might almost be good to be without a phone, for a day or so anyway. Otherwise i am someone who checks my phone every 5 minutes... so now getting a break might be good?

Tomorrow is one of my only sleep in mornings, so i am definitely going to use that!!! Maybe have time for a  walk in the morning as well :) Im looking forward to it.

I also want to mention that You all have great breakfast's!!! It made me smile to read all your comments and what you ate for breakfast, super delicious!!! :)
  And funnily enough, i had actually scheduled a breakfast post (some breakfast ideas and my breakfast favourites) for tomorrow on Sunday.... :) hahah. Coincidence, or what?! :)