Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Getting things done

Something which is unavoidable during school term is Homework and long days. Something which ive always hated is homework.... ive never really understood the point of it? It just adds to stress and to do lists. Many people just skip homework as they dont see the point of it, dont want to or have time to do it. Me... i rush through homework, just getting it over and done with, but never really taking the time to learn that extra or put that extra bit of effort into it. Some teachers look at homework, others dont.... but its always when you dont have your homework with you or decided to not do it, that the teacher wants to collect the homework. (I sound like im 5 years old when i talk about homework!)




^^This is quite literally how my maths homework is at the moment

This morning i got ready and came to school 30 minutes before my first lesson so that i could sit and do my maths homework though i soon realised that 30 minutes really wasnt enough. So i then decided that after school i would sit for an hour or so and finish some other homework as well as my maths. And i sat 45 minutes after school and wanted to sit longer however the corridor doors were starting to close, the students had pretty much all left and it was silent in the halls. I was a little worried that i would get locked in or that the door to the lockers would be locked so i packed my things and got my bag and left.
   
At the moment i feel that i cant study at home.... i dont feel the motivation, instead i just want to lie in bed. Relax and rest. And thats ok. Infact i like it this way... coming home and knowing that my work for the day is done. I dont need to do any studying.
   For me i am most productive in school, thats when i dont get distracted by my blog, instagram or anythign else. Then i can focus on my work, so i think that will be my school tactic this year (the same as last year. -> Using my breaks to study and sitting in school after my lessons to get my work done.)
   Thats what works for me!

The most important thing when it comes to studying is to find what works for you.... many find that they can study better when its quite and they are in their room or maybe at the kitchen table. Others find they study better in a library or with a group of people etc etc
  Find what works for you and you should get better results with studying!!!!

For me, when i do assignments and essays i need to spend 3-5 intense days working on just that assignment, then get feedback, do some editing and then be finished c.a 2-7 days before the deadline! Whilst many of my friends do the essay the day of the deadline... that seems to work for them? Though i have no idea what their grades are... but it seems to work, hahaha! :)

Do you have any good studying tips you want to share? :)

Film snacks

I got asked if i could make a list of some film snacks (either at home or for the cinema) which you can eat!!
  I am just going to make a list and then i guess you can figure out whether you can bring them to the cinema or not :) hahah

Popcorn!!! A must for the cinema/a movie, or is that only me? You can either buy popcorn in a bag or microwave popcorn or if you have a popcorn machine, pop your own with kernals :) Can add salt/butter/coconut oil & cinnamon/ etc etc

Sweetpotatoe/potatoe/root fruit chips Slice your vegetables thinly, put on a baking sheet, add some oil and salt and seasoning, into the oven for 30-45minutes and there you have some delicious chips!!

Chips!! -> Buy in a bag! (Pringles are my favourite :))

Roasted chickpeas - Sounds weird, but super delicious. Puit chickpeas on baking paper, add seasoning and some oil, into the oven for 20-30 minutes! (or less... Google for actual recipe!)

Goji berries/dried banana chips/dried fruit and nuts - Easy to buy or have in a bowl at home! Easy to bring with you as well and super delicious!

Chocolate covered nuts/dried fruit! Either buy in a shop or make your own :)

Make your own white chocolate covered nuts/chocolate dipped berries/white chocolate muslie tops

Make your own banana, PB and chocolate 'sandwiches'. slice banana (or use apple) thinly, put PB on one banana slice, put another banana slice on top (do this for all slices), put into the freezer and later dip into chocolate!

Make your own PB cups (google for recipe - super easy!)

Fruit or fruit salad!

Grilled banana

Mini pancakes

Granola or cereal!! Is it just me or do any of you like eating cereal right out of the box? :) I think its delicious!

Cookies!! You can make mini cookies (mmm... i want some now!)

Questbar/raw food bar/atkins bar/other bar

Oat & chocolate balls

Home made raw food balls/bars

Smoothies/milk shakes

Candy/sweets/chocolate

Almonds or cashews/chocolate covered almonds/cashews

Grapes/frozen grapes

Rice cakes/chocolate covered rice cakes

Home made mini cinnamon rolls

Mini raisin boxes

Pretzels

Home made granola (eat just on its own 'cus its suepr delicious :))

Carrot/veggie sticks with Hummous

Taco chips/ make your own taco chips with guacamole

^^^So many snack ideas :) hahahah Hopefully that helps anyway :) :)

If YOU have any suggestions just comment :)


Answers - eating disorders genetic

I wanted to ask you a few questions some of them not exactly related to depression. 
Does having an ED yourself put a higher risk of developing an ED on your kids? Just wondering. Because I hear that it has to do with genes too. 

 hmmm, ive heard of that before that eating disorders have to do with genes, thats why when some people diet they can end up with an eating disorder whilst others can go on low calorie diets all their life but never develop an eating disorder... whether thats true or not, im not so sure.
  THIS article talks about eating disorders and genetics.

Whether you having an eating disorder in the past (hopefully you will be recovered when you have kids), whether that affects or is passed onto your kids or not i dont know. But i know that behaviour will have alot to do with how your children feel and how they behave and think around food and body image. If you are still half sick and constantly go on diets or only have low calorie foods at home or excessively exercise or say bad things about food or your body, this will pass onto your children. That doesnt mean they will get an eating disorder, but it can affect their thoughts and body image.

For ME personally i think my children will have a really great mum (XD). I will teach them self love, to not care about the weight or scale. To hopefully not be affected by media. To have a balanced diet...The focus will of course be whole foods and home cooked meals. But buying a pizza or chocolate now and again will be no problem because i promote balance!!
  So either your kids will get a healthy and balanced message passed onto them or you will pass on your ED thoughts and behaviours... but thats up to you and how you decide to raise them/behave around them!


How long did it take you to actually recover? I know you went to several clinics and all that but that doesn't necessarily mean you were recovering which in your case was true. How long after you actually made the decision to try to recover?


I spent more than a year in different clinics (i.e from my first inpatient time, but i had spent c.a 4+ months going to a therapist and different doctors) before i decided to actually recover and from when i decided that it took about 1,5 years for me to fully recover mentally and physically :) And that time of course includes my relapse at the start of 2012.

Recovery is tough and it takes time, from when i decided to recover it was 1,5 years of fighting against the thoughts. Eating even when i didnt want to. Resting, fighting the anxiety and guilt. Facing my fear foods, stepping outside of my comfort zone and at the same time trying to start living a life again. Going back to school, trying to be normal. And over time it got easier, one day i woke up and wanted to eat granola and milk for breakfast instead of low fat yoghurt. One day I was the one who asked to buy chocolate, I was the one who wanted to go to the cinema and eat popcorn etc etc
   So it got easier over time and by the time i was declared healthy i was healthy physically and mentally which is the most important :) 


Morning happiness

Its Tuesday (though ive thoughts its Wednesday all morning) and my only sleep in day!!!! I got to sleep in i.e 90 minutes more than usual and still had time to go out for a morning run!!!
    On Thursday we have a cross country race (5km) with school and really, 5km isnt that much, but still.... im nervous. Infact, i could do a test on the ABC's and i would still be nervous and think i would fail ;) ghahaha. But its this pre-race nerves.... and also, i have this pressure and expectation to do well! That i have to do well, which isnt really the case... but it is an actual race. Not like the colour run or midnight run where there were hundreds/thousands of people running and not a race. But now its time that matters!!!

I went out for a 6,4km run and it felt like my lungs were on fire....Now when school is so busy my CF care isnt going as well :/ and also, cant do so much cardio which = Finding it harder to breathe.
   I wrote that i saw The Fault in our Stars on Sunday, and if you've seeen it, or read the book and how Hazel talks about her lungs... lack of breath. How walking up the stairs can make her feeling light headed... Yup, thats how im feeling at the moment.
  So it was just to fight through those feelings during my run as i know that running (and swimming!) is one of the best things i can ddo for  my lungs and CF care.
   My new September goals are to begin doing HIIT again (and running!). Since i sprained my ankle i havent done HIIT at all, i.e almost 3 months now... so i think its time to start doing that again ;)



I still have lots of time before i have to leave so going to try write some blog posts, maybe answer emails if i have time and if i still have time (though unlikely) maths homework needs to be done!! :)

Have a lovely day everyone, i am sure i will!!!

Self love idea



A tip on how to love yourself and your body image.... to put up notes, especially on mirrors, reminding yourself that you are beautiful. But also putting reminders that you need to eat on the fridge!! If you live on your own, or have mirrors in your room this can be helpful :)

Hunger after recovery?

I have a question: do you find yourself less able to stand hunger after your ED (even you've fully recovered)? I don't know if ED has this long-term damaging effect, although I'm not fully recovered yet, I find myself unable to stand hunger and am constantly afraid of getting hungry. I vaguely remember before my ED I wasn't this weak at enduring hunger (e.g. getting hungry in lessons -> could wait until lunch break; if this happened now, I would not be able to concentrate at all). I don't know if there is any scientific study about this 'fear of hunger' thing, but I am wondering whether ED has affected your ability to stand hunger or not.
Thanks in advance Izzy!


This is actually a really good question, so thank you for answering.

I dont know whether there is any scientific study or reason behind why someone with an ED might feel hungrier or be scared of hunger.

With the scared of hunger i think that can be because hunger reminds you of when you were sick, of when you wouldnt let yourself eat. You dont want to feel that feeling or have those types of thoughts so avoiding hunger is a way of avoiding what could be a triggering emotion for you?
  I wouldnt say that i am scared of hunger, because im not... but i mean i wouldnt purposely make myslf go around hungry and if i can eat i will. I love food.

I do think that with feeling more hungry than others has to do with during recovery you expand your stomach. Also you get used to eating your 5-7 meals and then your body and stomach gets used to that... so when it comes to your normal eating time you get hungry as your body is used to getting food then.
  Also during recovery you keep increasing calories meaning that your body adapts to a higher energy amount, often increasing your metabolism also meaning that you feel more hungry... infact people who have recovered from restrictive eating and have successfully and successively increased their calories often need and can eat more than normal people.
     As you might see on my blog i often eat large portions (hahahahah Extra large ;)) and very frequently.  I do of course have CF and exercise often so that contributes to why i am so hungry, but also my body is used to eating at certain times. Thats why i find in school when it comes to 11am my body is hungry for lunch, so it sucks when i then have to wait until 12 or 12.30 to eat and then dont finish until around 4pm and am home by 4.30 or later and during summer i would eat a snack at 3pm and dinner at 6 or 7pm... so now my body i guess is just trying to get used to the different eating schedule.

But back to topic.... With being able to stand against hunger? I do actually think that when someone has recovered from an ED they are alot more aware than others to make sure they eat at the right time and make sure they get the proper energy. They dont so easily forget to eat, but also that meal times should hopefully be something the person looks forward to. Whilst many normal people can forget to eat or wait so long until they are super hungry and then just eat some sandwiches for dinner. They dont really know how to listen to their body... but i find that i know my body so well. I know when im hungry and what it is i want to eat... whether that is for everyone who recovers from an ED or not i dont know. But i do think that when someone has recovered they should hopefully know how to listen and trust their body. To eat when they are hungry, not just wait....
   My whole family are people who forget to eat and i used to be the same, but now when im hungry i eat.

I did have a period 2 years ago or so when i was thinking about hunger and i realised that i no longer had, what i saw as self disciplin..... If i was hungry i ate, i couldnt and wouldnt wait. This also has to do with the fact that i get low blood sugar if i dont eat every 3-4 hours (i.e headache, mood swings, feel faint, lack of concentration, irritation and even anger). But i felt like if i would ever go on a diet i wouldnt be able to follow it because i felt hungry so often..... Though this isnt something that has bothered me because im not planning on going on a diet ;) And when i did do intermittent fasting for a while it worked fine i.e i was able to control myself. But it wasnt a long term thing anyway and weightloss wasnt what i was after.
   If i need to fast for bloodtests or things like that then i am able to that, and really there is no other reason why i should need to fast or keep myself from eating. 
   
The problem can also be though, that when you recover from anorexia it can go from super strict control over food to letting go of control of food and eating and you begin binging. Which is another ED and its not good to turn from that... so if anyone feels that they are constantly eating huge amounts and cant control it. (Though have extreme hunger and eating alot during weight gain isnt the same thing as binge eating).

This post is dragging on and im losing track of the point, hahaah!!
    But yes, i do feel that i cant stand against hunger as much as i could before i was sick or when i was sick. But thats ok... because my body needs food, it needs energy so i dont see why i shouldnt eat when im hungry. If i need that snack inbetween classes then ill eat it.
  
Everyone is different of course, so hunger and fullness and all that is individual :)

Tiredness and lack of energy

Sorry for the awful blogging today however i have the worst headache at the moment & super full from my after school snack. Im like a dog... can eat loads, and then when ive finished eating its like then i realised how full i am!! ^_^
   For some reason today i felt super tired (though ive slept enough hours) and also hungry!!!! I ate a huge lunch, double portions and all ;) Yet it didnt seem to give me any energy and my last 2 lessons i was just trying to stay awake.
   I had plans to meet my aunt and start planning for our trip to the U.S.A, however i felt too tired and i just wanted to go home and eat so i cancelled and instead i think we will meet during the weekend!

When i came home i made a HUGE snack which you can see below.... my egg cake with nuts, quark and milk, 1/2 mango and a nectarine. Some chocolate, coffee and an Aloe Vera drink ;) Too full afterwards, hahah!'

I also got the news that we have said yes to the other apartment! And this is good news!! Of course i LOVE where we live now and preferably wouldnt want to move. But the fact is, we do need to move. We needed somewhere bigger as where we live now is too small for the 4 of us, granted my sister and I are both planning on moving out within a year or 2... but with the Swedish housing system it can take months to years to find somewhere to live.
  We wont be moving until December, so 3 months left, but thats ok. I really liked the apartment we looked at, so i think it will be good :) Nice with a new change!!!




Stress & its effect

runningoffyourproblems:

What is stress? 
Stress is a normal response our bodies have to various events and situations. It is your brain telling you to be on the look out for oncoming danger. Stress can make your heart rate increase, your breathing quicken, and can put you into what many call “the zone.” Stress is responsible for helping us rock interviews, give presentations, and stay focused during the big game. 
But how much stress is too much? 
Stress can become debilitating. When your brain and body suffer due to the pressures you feel in everyday life, it can make you sick. Too much stress includes feelings of being nervous, trembling, stomach aches, diet changes, headaches, and/or a constant feeling of the world on your shoulders. 
How do you help feeling stressed? 
There are a bunch of ways you can help reduce stress in your life, or better deal with the stress already present! 
Coloring or drawing has been shown to help release happy hormones in your brain to help you feel better.
Take a break! Studying or working nonstop can do more harm than good! You wouldn’t run a car for days, let alone weeks straight. Listen to your engine lights, they’re there to let you know you’re overwhelmed.
But don’t procrastinate. Watching assignments or jobs pile up can make you seem like you’ve dug yourself into a hole you can’t get out of! Baby steps, take one thing at a time.
Get organized! This is one you hear a lot, but how positive are you that you’re organized both desk wise AND mentally? Keep lists, calendars, schedules! They’ll help you remember things and keep you less flustered. 
Wake up early. You don’t have to wake up before the sun, but often we say we’re not morning people. Why? Because we’re tired, we’re rushed, we’re not giving ourselves enough time to prepare for our day! Set your alarm 10 - 15 minutes early, it’ll make a world of difference. 
But get your sleep. Insomnia is a top cause of stress. Unfortunately, it’s also a top symptom. What to do about this vicious cycle? Get into a routine. Start preparing for sleep a half hour or so before you actually get into bed. Perhaps a little yoga before sleep, or a warm bath, a cup of tea. A routine is a silent way of telling your body that it’s time to wind down. 
Get active! Physical activity of any kind has been proven to reduce stress hormones in our bodies. Just a half hour a day can help you feeling your best and ready to tackle whatever you need to. 
Meditate. There’s a wise saying that if you’re too busy to meditate, that’s when you need it most. Meditation is the art of stopping and breathing. There are many different kinds, but all focus on helping you think better and stay focused. 
Talk about it. Keeping your stress to yourself will not make it go away. Grab a friend and a cup of coffee, call your parents, or go to a counselor. Talking out loud about your problems is proven to help you deal with them. By verbalizing these stressors, you move them to the part of your brain that’s panicing to the part that’s known for problems solving and coping. Just recognizing you have an issue is the first step towards dealing with it.
Eat right! When faced with stress, many of our healthy eating habits go out the window. We either stop eating or eat way too much! Stress eating happens. Instead of beating yourself up for letting it happen, ask yourself: What triggered this? Why do I feel like this? And then deal with it. Eating poorly or not all can make you sick- which just adds on to the stress already on your plate. 
There are many ways of dealing with stress, and these are just a few. Figure out what works for you. Singing is not for everyone, but it may be for you. The same goes  for journaling, dancing, baking, and an infinite amount of activities. The main thing is, being stressed is normal. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. 
 

RUNNINGOFFYOURPROBLEMS:
What is stress? 
Stress is a normal response our bodies have to various events and situations. It is your brain telling you to be on the look out for oncoming danger. Stress can make your heart rate increase, your breathing quicken, and can put you into what many call “the zone.” Stress is responsible for helping us rock interviews, give presentations, and stay focused during the big game.
But how much stress is too much? 
Stress can become debilitating. When your brain and body suffer due to the pressures you feel in everyday life, it can make you sick. Too much stress includes feelings of being nervous, trembling, stomach aches, diet changes, headaches, and/or a constant feeling of the world on your shoulders.
How do you help feeling stressed? 
There are a bunch of ways you can help reduce stress in your life, or better deal with the stress already present!
  • Coloring or drawing has been shown to help release happy hormones in your brain to help you feel better.
  • Take a break! Studying or working nonstop can do more harm than good! You wouldn’t run a car for days, let alone weeks straight. Listen to your engine lights, they’re there to let you know you’re overwhelmed.
  • But don’t procrastinate. Watching assignments or jobs pile up can make you seem like you’ve dug yourself into a hole you can’t get out of! Baby steps, take one thing at a time.
  • Get organized! This is one you hear a lot, but how positive are you that you’re organized both desk wise AND mentally? Keep lists, calendars, schedules! They’ll help you remember things and keep you less flustered. 
  • Wake up early. You don’t have to wake up before the sun, but often we say we’re not morning people. Why? Because we’re tired, we’re rushed, we’re not giving ourselves enough time to prepare for our day! Set your alarm 10 - 15 minutes early, it’ll make a world of difference. 
  • But get your sleep. Insomnia is a top cause of stress. Unfortunately, it’s also a top symptom. What to do about this vicious cycle? Get into a routine. Start preparing for sleep a half hour or so before you actually get into bed. Perhaps a little yoga before sleep, or a warm batha cup of tea. A routine is a silent way of telling your body that it’s time to wind down. 
  • Get active! Physical activity of any kind has been proven to reduce stress hormones in our bodies. Just a half hour a day can help you feeling your best and ready to tackle whatever you need to. 
  • Meditate. There’s a wise saying that if you’re too busy to meditate, that’s when you need it most. Meditation is the art of stopping and breathing. There are many different kinds, but all focus on helping you think better and stay focused. 
  • Talk about it. Keeping your stress to yourself will not make it go away. Grab a friend and a cup of coffee, call your parents, or go to a counselor. Talking out loud about your problems is proven to help you deal with them. By verbalizing these stressors, you move them to the part of your brain that’s panicing to the part that’s known for problems solving and coping. Just recognizing you have an issue is the first step towards dealing with it.
  • Eat right! When faced with stress, many of our healthy eating habits go out the window. We either stop eating or eat way too much! Stress eating happens. Instead of beating yourself up for letting it happen, ask yourself: What triggered this? Why do I feel like this? And then deal with it. Eating poorly or not all can make you sick- which just adds on to the stress already on your plate. 
There are many ways of dealing with stress, and these are just a few. Figure out what works for youSinging is not for everyone, but it may be for you. The same goes  forjournalingdancingbaking, and an infinite amount of activities. The main thing is, being stressed is normal. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. 

Septermber goals



As its September 1st today  i thought writing some goals today might be appropriate.
  Its this month when it starts getting colder (and its cold already!). School tiredness kicks in (it already has) and assignments and deadlines are being thrown at me. The days will feel longer and the brightness shorter. It can be hard to keep a smile on my face with the weather changing, having to accept that i now have to wait another 10 months until i can wear shorts outside again. I am very weather sensitive so the autumn months are always tough for me.
  So thats why my first (and most important) goal for this month is:

To be/feel happy. To do things which make me happy... Its not that im feeling sad now or anything, but just to really focus on happiness, not let stress affect me so much.
   I want to do fun things all autumn and winter... meet friends as often as i can, go to restaurants/cafes/Buffets. Do other fun activities.

To not stress too much.... take a few moments to just breathe and destress when i feel everything is becoming too much.

Take a mental health day - if needed. This is something im not so good at doing when it comes to the school year.... at times i need a day to just spend at home because either im too stressed and over worked in school or just feel like i have no motivation etc and often i push myself to school anyway, because what can i do about it? School is obligatory. But i need to learn that actually, its ok to take a day off if thats what i need. Im not talking about ditching school, i am definitely not promoting that. However, if you feel that you need a day to just breathe. To relax at home (or in my case, sit and work on all the assignments so that i can feel more relaxed again), and if it helps your mental health then those days are important!

School is priority one. Of course it always is with me, but i mean that blogging and emailing will still be at priority 3 or 4.... and to not feel stressed over that. I can feel alot of pressure to have x amount of posts everyday and to reply to all emails, but from just this past week i know that that wont be possible as often. And i shouldnt feel bad about that.

Prepare meals!!!! When i come home late from school and am tired then its good if i have prepared dinners which i can just heat up. My family all have different schedules so now a days no one will really eat dinner together, so its good to have something prepared so that i dont just eat home made bread for dinner!!!

These are some of the goals i can think of for now, im sure i have more!!! But these are my main ones for this month :)

 Do you have any goals for this month which you want to share? :)

New day, New week, New month

Just like the title says, its a new day, new week and a new month. The perfect time to start your new chapter...To start fighting your ED! To face some of your fears, to cope with the guilt and anxiety. Its the perfect time to make a change. Imagine how far you will have come in a month if you decide today that everyday this month i will focus on my goals, focus on becoming happier and healthier!
  And for those of you who dont have an ED, now is also the perfect time to make that change which you were thinking about... or maybe you are perfectly happy with your life, thats fine too :) Maybe you want to set up some September goals? I have anyway!

I dont think i mentioned about yesterday? So i thought i would do that now!!
   After lunch i got so drawn in in my studying and discussing and sharing ideas with my mum (about my project which i will be working on all year) so that i forgot the time. I had also turned my phone off so as to not be distracted, but that meant that i hadnt got any of my friends messages. hahaha. So when i finally looked at the clock i saw that i was supposed to be at the party right then!! And i wasnt even changed and ready to go & it took me 50 minutes to get there && i had to buy a present on the way ^_^!!!
  Im always the person who is 10 minutes early, so it felt strange to be the one who was late and late i was. But thats ok... they had waited with the cake anyway, so i still got a slice of that & lots of biscuits and cakes. After several hours we felt it was time to go so we all said our good byes and made our way to the public transport.
   Then my sister messaged and asked if i wanted to watch a film and of course i said yes.... i didnt have so many other plans instead of lying in bed and wathcing series and eating, so why not do that on the sofa with company instead? So i went to the shop and bought the treats and snacks, came home, made popcorn & tea. We put on the film and there i sat for the next 2 hours working my way through the snacks :) All together a really good day, both productive with studying and also relaxing with hanging with friends and watching a film!!! The way a Sunday should be in other words :)


Now its time to get ready for school and i already feel like im behind schedule, hahaha!!

movie snacking

I love snacks so much....  I dont think ive met anyone who loves snacks as much as me... or yeah, ok a few online i have :) But none of my friends understand my love for snacking!!
    And one thing which is certain, whenever i watch movies i need snacks. I cant understand people who can watch movies without snacks... for me, its a must to have something to snack on!!
   
On my way home from my friends party my sister messaged asking if i wanted to see a film and as i was feeling tired of course i said yes.... coming home, eating snacks and sitting infront of the TV. A perfect end to this week :)
    We're planning on seeing The fault in our stars, has anyone seen that film ? Did you like it`?

Mysnacks of choice are popcorn, root chips,chocolate, chocolate covered nuts and some stevia flavoured sweets as i feel i ate so much cake and cookies at my friends, but as im writing this post ive already tucked into the chocolate covered nuts :) Mmmmmm!!

Hope you all have a lovely evening, tomorrow its Monday and also 1st September!










It wasnt death i wanted, it was mental peace

I got asked if i could write about my depression which i thought i would do in this post.
     Its hard to say whether my depression was triggered by my developing eating disorder or whether my eating disorder developed from my depression. I was so young that i didnt really know what was going on in my head... i thought that the thoughts of being too fat, not being allowed food were normal... and in many cases, it is normal for teenage girls to consider them fat. To want to change their body, which is very wrong, it shouldnt be considered normal to hate yourself.
   I was 11/12 when i began thinking more about the future, i googled about CF, what were the statistics for survival, of even being able to have kids. I was 11 years old and i was worried that i would never have a partner, that i was too ugly to be loved. That i was too sick to be loved... i was missing out on parties, on school, on friends. And i think that was what triggered my negative thoughts and my depression, and also my lack of control in my life. I had decided to be normal and in order to be normal i had to stop taking my medicines and inhalers etc which then made me even sicker with my CF. Wanting control over my life, but also i got a negative comment about food when i was around 11 which affected me alot and combined with low self esteem my ED developed.



I was 13 when i first felt i wanted to die i had also begun self harming then. I was very sick with my CF due to me not eating, purging and pushing myself with exercise. I spent 80% of that year at home or in hospital and just wishing to die... but i couldnt voice my fear. I looked at everyone around me, living their lives and i had this voice in my head screaming at me. Anxiety crawling beneath my skin and this dark rain cloud above my head, weighing me down. It was like my body was there, but not my mind. I could see everything, but i couldnt interract. I was a mannequin... just a body. My depression and ED got worse and i spent alot of time lying on the hard, cold floor of my room... just thinking. Trying to understand what was going on... i felt so helpless. I felt this mental pain, this voice in my head constantly reminding me that i was fat, that i shuoldnt be lying down i should be out running. My self harm got worse as i tried to numb the mental pain... try to feel some form of physical pain instead of the one inside my head. I was 14 when i first voiced that i wanted to die... I was an inpatient in the kids psychaitric ward and i had a therapist who kept pushing me to answer her questions. To tell her why i wasnt and couldnt eat, why i couldnt get better, why i was so scared of eating. It was then i said, I would rather die than be fat. That was one of the only things i said in that hospital to the staff and is marked down in my journals. I was also 14 when i first attempted suicide.... i tried to hang myself. Though whether i should call it an attempt or not, i stood on a chair with a noose type thing around my neck... though after an hour or so of just standing there i broke down and just cried. It was also there my mum found me in the middle of the night.








   As my eating disorder got worse my depression also got worse. Thoughts of suicide were always on my mind, i planned and plotted my death... i had even written a suicide note. I wanted to end my pain... end my suffering. Self harm was no longer numbing the anxiety, the guilt, the thoughts and feelings and i felt i couldnt cope anymore. I couldnt cope wtih eating, being in hospital, of all the self hate and guilt i had for putting my family through all of that. I just wanted it to end... i wanted some type of peace. In 2011 i overdosed and ended up spending 2 nights in hospital having to drink this weird drink (cant remember the name) to clean my body of the toxins. It was also then that everyone around me realised just how depressed i was.... for the past year i had barely spoken, my self harm once again getting that bit worse  and eating wasnt happening either. But it was like my family and even the hospital needed that wake up call.... an attempted suicide. It was also then that the doctor at Mando told me that if i dont change my behaviour i will get kicked out of Mando and a few months later i was told i wasnt allowed to go there anymore.
     After the attempted suicide the staff at Mando got even more strict with me which made me even more mad and i began collecting painkillers again, telling myself that next time i would take even more. And in the next 6 months i also tried jumping off a bridge and hanging myself again, though of course i never went through with them but i was 75% sure i would and almost did.


 
However as i began eating again as i found my motivation to recover from my eating disorder i also began feeling happier. Somewhere during my recovery i stopped with self harm... cant remember how or why, but i think it was because i found different coping methods with the guilt and anxiety. I didnt want more scars on my body. Also as my body and mind got nourished i was able to think more straight and feel happier.
    However i did fall back into a relapse which resulted in me feeling more depressed again, i could no longer smile or feel happy but i think that was just due to my starvation, my body not getting the energy it needed as well as feeling super stressed.
   And after i was declared healthy a few months later i fell into a sort of depression again due to stress and school.
   I know i have it easier to feel depressed though since ive recovered from my eating disorder its never been a full blow depression, But i have had periods where i have felt so unmotivated, lifeless, unhappy for a longer period of time and even had suicidal thoughts. Though its nothing i have acted upon, but just tried to fight my way through the thoughts, try to stay positive. I am generally a very positive person and always want to see the positive in life which has helped me emensly and i havent felt depressed since i began with that type of thinking!
   One thing which i havent mentioned on this blog, because it is so very personal, is that my mum's dad became depressed and killed himself. This was something i was never aware of until after i had overdosed. I had known that he had died, i just never knew that he had killed himself. Finding that out made me feel so much more guilty for putting my mum through that... to think, if i had died that night, i dont know what it would have done to my mum. To have both her mum die when she was 15 years old and when she was 18 her dad commited suicide. And then to have her 15 year old daughter commit suicide? Just the thought... of how i could have done that to her makes me quiver now. Though of course, i didnt think about that then. I wanted to end my mental pain and i also thought it would be better for my family if i died, if they no longer had to see me or go through everything i was putting them through.
  I now realise that by killing myself i wasnt solving a problem, i was causing another one.
Another thing also is that my dad has also been depressed several times - once again, something i dont lke mentioning online. But it also doesnt make it so strange that i have it easier to feel depressed or become depressed. (Remember that sadness or feeling a little sad or unmotivated for a few days ISNT depression. But thats not what im refering to either, i mean actual depression signs and symptoms when i talk about it).

One thing which i despise is how sites like Tumblr depression is glorified.... slitting your wrists, lying in bed feeling unmotivated and sad, having demons in your head.... thats all seen as something different, unique etc but at the same time society makes people with depression feel even worse about themselves. They're just attentionseeking... someone who attempts suicide are just attention seekers. Put them on pills and hope that they feel happier... but those types of pills just take away all emotions. You are left like a doll... dont feel happiness or sadness. It doesnt cure the actual problem.
  Depression, just like eating disorders or self harming is NOT cool and not something that makes you special or unique, its not something to strive after.

Now when i live my life and make choices that make me happy that give me positivity. Also having a balance in my life, feeling happy and loving my life. I now rarely feel sad or depressed. School stress can affect me emensly and make me feel very tired, unmotivated, sad but im trying to find good coping skills for my stress and im hoping one day that school stress wont affect  me so much as it does.



This post has become really long and i feel i lost track and havent mentioned half of the things which i wanted.-.... but i thought i would write another post about how to cope and recover from depression, or some of my tips anyway. And feel free to ask more about this topic and i will answer in a post :)

Morning energy

After my power breakfast (I am going to start eating fruit and fruit salad for breakfast as often as i can now a days - So much energy from it!) i headed to the gym and it feels like forever ago since i was there as ive been so busy and had other things to do instead of the gym, and thats ok. Its good with change as well. But it felt good to be back and i had so much energy, it was like i didnt want to stop!!! The sun was shining and i was feeling super happy and energy filled so i decided to walk home. And on the way i met my mum out with the dog and suddenly i realised i didnt have keys with me and no one else was home. So that was lucky that i met my mum and could get keys from her!
  Now its lunch (Quorn mince, prawns, rice, brocolli and cottage cheese. If you havent tried this combination - TRY IT! Its like Paella, which is one of my favourite dishes :) Though you can use chicken or minced meat instead of quorn :))

In an hour or so i am leaving for a friends birthday party/mingle :) But before that, its school work!!! :)

How are you spending your Sunday?





Fruit filled breakfast

Autumn is not one of my favourite months - neither is winter - however i do love all the fresh fruit (and its cheap!!!). As you might have noticed recently, fruit has been 75% of my diet recently... But i love it so much! I would much rather eat fruit that quark at the moment, so thats exactly what im doing :)
 
Another thing i like about Autumn is the change in colours... how it goes from green to orange to brown. The afternoon sun, the still bright days and the autumn clothes!!! I love it... leather jackets, scarves, converse... but still warm enough for tights and skirts as well :)

Whens you favourite month? :) And why?

For breakfast today i had watermelon, plum, grapefruit, nectarine, peach & vanilla yoghurt & toppings. Coffee and an Aloe Vera! Delicious :)













Sickness to fitness

I am sure many of my readers are aware of the fitness trend on social media. And most probably are following a few fitness account on either IG or tumblr or elsewhere..... and i am not going to deny that im not part of that fitness trend. Because i am....However, would i consider myself fitness obsessed? No i wouldnt.
    But also something i want to clarify is that i recovered from my eating disorder -> Both physically and mentally before i began exercising more again. My diet has changed with the years... during my recovery i came into a phase where i drank alot of alcohol and ate chocolate or cakes 6 days a week. And i didnt feel well mentally or physically. I didnt get anxiety for it, but i developed a sugar addiction (and a diet coke addiction) but i decided i wasnt treating my body fair. Going from restriction, harming myself, purging etc to then eating too much (in my opinion) sugar and chemicals so then i began focusing more on whole foods and from there my diet has just become more balanced. A balance that works for ME. It might not work for others, but for me it works and thats the most important.

One thing which i want to bring up though is that many who are recovering from an eating disorder start exercising too early, cut down on carbs or start following a vegan diet or paleo or some other diet. They begin strength training just because everyone else is, they want to shape their body. Continuously trying to change their body, see some form of change and progress. And  im not saying anything is wrong with that, because sure... seeing progress is fun.
  But if im honest Seeing and FEELING progress that im stronger, that i can run longer, that i can run faster that is MUCH MORE rewarding than seeing some quad definition. Has my thinking always been this way, of course not. But when i realised that exercising to change my body WASNT bringing me happiness, but exercising and working out what i love. Doing things that make me happy, that made ME happy. But also loving my body for the way it looked... That is more important than trying to change your body.

One thing which i pretty much ALWAYS tell my readers or people looking to me for advice is to FIND SELF LOVE. You wont find happiness when all you are trying to do is change your body. You can spend hours at the gym, lifting weights or running until you collapse, so focused on trying to change yourself. Trying to see abs, trying to have visible abs.... but happiness wont come from that.
    I wrote THIS post which is one of my top posts and got alot of responses and views. I had abs, visible abs did it make me happy? Not really... because i never saw that... i just kept wanting to change. Wanting to see more definition, putting my happiness in the way my body looked ISNT happiness. Because your body bloats, holds onto water etc and you cant always control that (and if you do, then its not a healthy mindset or behaviour). And if you feel sad everytime you will bloat, trust me... you will spend 50% of your life sad.

Exercising is healthy, its something i do reccommend people. But exercising for the RIGHT reason. Not just to try to change yourself.
  Its great to have goals, to want to run 5km in 20 minutes or want to be able to squat 80kg or be able to cycle 30km etc etc or whatever goals you have, thats great. But having goals like having visible 6 pack? You wont feel happy even when you reach that goal.



Many recovering think that if they just eat extra chicken, some sweet potatoe, drink protein shakes and lift weights they are healthy? They let muscle gain be their weight gain but still have a too low fat procent. They hate their stomachs and their legs, they feel sad when a workout hasnt gone the way it should. They never treat themselves or their treat is 80% dark chocolate.
    Going from one restrictive behaviour and controlling food to  another controlling behaviour and food obsession isnt healthy. You arent healthy going from one obsession to another.

Now you might read this and think, Amnt i just being hypocritcal?
   You CAN like and do exercise after recovery, that is ok.... i mean thats what i do. And no you dont always have to eat cake 5 times a week after recovery. After recovery, when you are physically and mentally healthy you can make your own choices.
  But when you are in recovery its not going to help if you begin exercising too early or think you are being super healthy by never eating bread and only eating whole grain pasta etc etc

People think they have to look a certain way to be fitness, but the fact is... what is fitness? Fitness is health. Fitness is exercising and eating healthy for YOU. Fitness is NOT a body type!!!!!

'

Take a chance on life

Some days, some moments in your life you cherish more than others and this evening was one of those times. My sister said she would go to the festival with me and 2 of her friends had spontaneously decided to join us as well which i just thought was fun. The more the merrier, as they say.
    I have lots of photos which i thought i would publish instead of writing some long post!! First off we stood right at the front and danced and jumped to Icona Pop! Then Say Lou Lou was on the second stage after that, though i spent 20 minutes in the queue for the bathroom so missed most of their songs.
  We then went to get food which resulted in lots of queuing. I wanted falafels but they were all gone so i ended up getting Halloumi with potatoes, salad and a mint sauce. Which was super delicious anyways.
    Then First Aid Kit began playing but the stage was crowded with people so we had to stand quite far away which was a pity because i really wanted to see First Aid kit. After that we went to the alocohol area where we got a drink before the final artist, Veronica Maggio performed!!! She was on stage for 90 minutes and we had stood in the crowd for 25 minutes before hand so by the time she was done singing it felt like my knees and hips had locked in place -_-
  When the concert was over my sister and I then walked home and here i am in bed now, its 11.55pm in Sweden and im still high on energy from this evening!! One of those memorable evenings!! Im tired, but at the same time i dont want the day to end!