Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


What motivates me

I thought i would show you some things that motivate me within exercise... if you want i can make a post about what motivates me with life... or those days when i just dont want to get out of bed.
TRIGGER WARNING on this post... just incase you find exercise triggering :) So skip this post if you do.

Anyway, when it comes to exercise i am motivated 99% of the time. I do the exercise form i enjoy so its never a burdon to me.If i dont want to run, i dont.If i dont want to go to the gym i dont. If i dont want to do a core workout for 3 weeks, then i dont. If i dont want to exercise at all then i dont. If i want to both run and go to the gym, then i do... so thats the simplicity of it for me. I dont need motivation to exercise. Though when it comes to goals within exercise.. i never really set up goals either, though actually goals can be very helpful. I think most people need goals in life... otherwise they dont really know what to fight for.
  For me i have never had goals like have visible abs, i dont get inspired or motivated by people flexing their legs or showing off their booty. I mean thats great for them, they look great. I mean i like to flex as well, im not even going to deny that :) Its fun.... trust me, if you ever begin to notice progress on say your arms or legs or your back, youäll be flexing and taking photos all the time!!!
  Before looking at photos like that used to make me feel bad about myself and i know many others feel this way as well. Now i just think, great for them. Im happy in my body :) Thats the way we should ALL think. If you see a photo of someone else and think they look good, be happy for them .Dont start feeling bad about yourself.

But back to the topic.What motivates me is seeing transformation pictures, or seeing videos/pictures/gifs of people doing amazing things... like doing a one armed push up or watching the Crossfit games, or seeing marathon runners cross the finish line, I love seeing peoples workouts or new exercise videos, seeing all these challenging things. Thats what motivates me... i think. If they can do it, so can I.

Below you see some of the things that inspire me!!

I hope it hasnt bothered anyone that i made this post... but i just felt i wanted to show some of these pictures/gifs as they inspire and motivate me!! :)

Self love

You may feel like you’re failing at recovery because you’ve been struggling for so long — but you’re not. Recovery isn’t a straight road. It isn’t something that happens over the course of a few days or months, or even a few years. It’s a path lined with ups and downs and road blocks and dead ends. It’s difficult and painful and exhausting.And it takes time. It takes time to unlearn the negative beliefs you’ve internalized. And it takes time to learn how to exist without using the behaviors you’ve depended on your whole life to survive. So if you’re feeling stuck right now, know that this is a part of your process. Know that it’s normal and not anything you need to be ashamed of. The fact that you’re still struggling doesn’t mean you’re going to be battling this forever. It just means that you have some more work to do. And that’s okay. You aren’t broken or hopeless. You’re wounded, but you can heal. You are healing, right now. Trust that you will get to where you need to be when it’s time. You’re doing the best you can to cope and make it through each day, and it’s enough. No matter where you’re at in your recovery, you’re enough. 
— Daniell Koepke

Motivation and inspiration to keep going - Answer

I suppose my biggest fears at the moment is.. what if i never really recover, despite all the weight I am made to gain, and everything I have to go through in the next few months, years. Will the thoughts be there forever?  And I am so worried about the damage I have done to my body,  I keep on thinking..they will make me gain weightbut because I have damaged myself so much, the life I live after recovery wil be just awful because I wont be able to walk properly and I wil still be filled with loathing for my body.

Those thoughts are understandable, but you have to know that that is not true. The only way to learn to love yourself and your body is to work on those thoughts and positive thoughts. For many yes they do just gain weight and then the doctors say they are healthy because they are a healthy weight but mentally they arent healthy and they are still scared of food and hate their body. And thats not a good thing, because then you often relapse. But while you are gaining weight you have to face your fears as well... you have to face your fear foods. Learn to rest and relax. Find a better coping mechansim with guilt, panic and anxiety. Talk/write about how you are feeling, what you are thinking. And know that the way things are now, they wont be like this forever. However its YOU that has to make a change. Because if you dont start facing your fears or doing things that scare you, then you will stay with the same habits and routines. No one else can mentally recover for you. People can help you to gain weight, but everything else has to come from you. And you have to find the motivation to recover for yourself. Maybe set up some goals... what is it you want to do with your life ? Do you want to work? Continue going to school? Travel? Have a partner? Have kids? Have animals etc find a motivatin and reason to not give up.
  You want to be able to live healthy and exercise again? Well then you need to trest your body right. You need to rest and eat properly so that your body has energy and fuel to exercise. You need to look in the mirror and find your positives and the things you like about yourself so that you can be happy in your own body. So that you exercise because you enjoy it and not just to try to change your body.
  Set up a motivtion board/collage or soem goals to work towards. Write down your fear foods and your fears and focus on over coming them.... facing them several times until they are no longer a fear food.
   Loving yourself and creatinga  life you want and enjoy has to come from you. You cant wait for someone else to do it for you. If you eat enough and rest and let your body and metabolism recover and repair itsself then you shouldnt have any long lasting problems. Though if you eat too little and your metabolism doesnt recover then it can cause problems. But also things like osteoporosis, anemia, amenorrhea etc So eat properly and make sure to let your body recover and rest and also work on your thoughts and mental health.

Picture An Hour Challenge 8am-8pm

Hello :)
  So today i have taken a picture every hour of what im doing... so here you see my day! 
-I had plans for today but they changed so i ended up not doing anything important today... so a sort of typical rest day for me :) hahaha. Nothing so exciting, but i decided i would do the challenge anyway!

Woke up at 8.30am and made myself coffee, ate some nuts and raisins and then began answering emails and doing my CF care.
^^This is what happens when i dont answer my emails for a few days. (And know if you dont get a reply your email has either gotten lost or ended up in junk mail. I rarely check junk mail, so sometimes they end up there)

Went for a 10 minute walk with Daisy, did some foam rolling, talked with my family.

10am: Ate a proper breakfast. Did some blogging. Cleaned my room.

11am : Spent the whole hour answering emails. Drank coffee, ate fruit.
^^I know it says 18th - my computer settings had gone wrong.

12pm: Took a shower, washed my hair, painted my nails, talked with my family.

13: Made a list of goals for 2015, prepared lunch, watched some Youtube videos,

14: Ate lunch - i was so hungry so i was pretty much eating my lunch while making it, and i wasnt in the mood to try to make my food look good or even photo it, so instead you get to see a photo of the ingredients (quorn meatballs, vegetables, quinoa, cottage cheese, crisp bread and spread (i love putting meatballs on the crisp bread!). Did the dishwasher, continued to wash clothes, watched some youtube videos.

(I didnt take a picture this hour.. so you get this picture from earlier instead :))

15: Continued watching youtube videos. Cuddled with my dog. Took selfies with my dog/of me. (I read that there is a thing called self addiction? And its an actual diagnosis.... kind of weird. And also people who are addicted to mobiles... ive thought about this and whether im addicted or not. But i dont think i am, its just boredom that i use it. I put away my phone when im with friends and family and such... though i think i could use some training to not use it as often!)

16: Snack time... a big bowl of vanilla yoghurt with quark, nuts and raisins & tea... left me feeling too full -> My lunch was pretty huge. Helped decorate the Christmas tree... or i mean, i stood there and took pictures. Thats the same thing right?

17: Photos and family time:
Jump for joy... or something like that!

Deleting photos on Picasa as i had used up all my 100%... and after deleting hundreds of photos it just brought me down to 98,5% crazy!!!

- I forgot about taking a picture so have no picture from this hour and have nothing to take a photo of anyway! - 

Dinner time. Watching youtube videos. Wrapping Christmas presents.

20: Blogging. . 

Addicted to exercise - answer

Izzy, i need your help. I started to be drepressed because of anorexia again.
The obsessions about calories and nutrients and healthy food choices are comining back. I'm not able to eat not exercising anymore. If I eat I HAVE to run. The food scares me. I'm scared about my hunger i.'m scared about my fullness I'm scared about eat and rest even if I desperately need to rest! Sometimes I dream to lay on the floor and eat cookies right off the bag not doing anything and rest. Just for one day. But I can't. I 'm too scared what will happen to my body if I let it to rest and eat. Today I've cried almost all day. My mum asked me if I wanted to go to shopping instead of running, but I refused because I knew that I had eaten and for that reason I had to run.. This situation is killing me... And calories and nutrient are controlling my life more than i 'm feel always a huge whale even if I'm X and weight X kg... Can you help me?

It makes me so sad to see you write this and hear that you are feeling so bad. But the truth is... You CAN lie on the floor and eat cookies. You CAN DO IT. Its just that you arent allowing yourself. You DONT have to run, trust me. You really dont. Nothing bad will happen to your body. You wont gain fat, you wont gain weight, you wont lose speed or stamina by not running. If anything, you will get more energy by resting and eating properly so that your body can recover. You are underweight and undernourished. Thats why you are dreaming and thnking of food.... but those types of food thoughts arent good because they can lead to binging as your body is undernourished and wants energy. And the way to get the energy it needs is by binging.

It might seem scary and give you anxiety but there is more to life than exercise .I saw you commented on my IG picture but you NEED to rest. Your body needs it, otherwise you just break down your body. And as you are underweight your body is already so stressed and by exercising and running your are just damaging your body.
  It also makes me sad to hear that you prioritize running instead of spending time with your mum. That is not at all healthy. Family, friends and LIFE should ALWAYS come before exercise. Exercise should be part of your life, not controlling it.

You have to face your fears, step outside of your comfort zone. Things wont get better until you make them better and face these fears, otherwise you will keep forcing yourself to run despite not wanting to and eventually your body will give up or you'll end up fracturing or breaking a bone because they become too weak. You need to take care of your body, its the only one you will have. And if you end up with a broken bone or sprained ankle or even a heart attack because your body is soo stressed and undernourished  you will regret it.
 Reach out for help, listen to your mum. Dont exercise.... try reading my posts about over exercising, how to cope and what to do instead of exercising. Also know that you ARENT fat. You need energy, you need food, your body needs to gain weight. Dont let anorexia control you. There is more to life than this and i knwo from exeprience how awful it is to be stuck in an obsession with exercise. It is pure hell, but you need to fight your way out of it. Because running is an enjoyment, but not when you are forcing yourself to do it because you have compensated.

You CAN eat and not exercise. Your body needs food no matter whether you exercise or not. I think you should stop exercising almost completely, go for short walks or do some yoga as it can be hard to cut it out completely. But eventually you need to learn to be able to go a whole week without exercise and not feel bad or compensate.
You need to fight against the voice in your head. You need to make things better because they CAN get better.

Why/how i stopped counting calories

Why and how i stopped counting calories:

I realised these things:

Counting calories is not practical. 
Counting calories is not normal. 
Counting calories is not natural. 
Counting calories isn’t even accurate.
Your body knows what it wants; it’s smarter than you are. Listen to it. 

I realised that eating a bit more yoghurt than what was on my meal plan wouldnt make me fat. I realised that i could eat a cinnamon bun or i could eat yoghurt with cereal and a sandwich. I realised that i loved chocolate covered nuts. I realised that i didnt want to spend my days counting calories. I realised i didnt want to see food in numbers. I started to taste food and enjoy food. I stopped seeing food in fat and sugar amount. I stopped seeing food as high calories or low calories. As low fat or diet foods. I began to face fear foods.

Calorie counting was something i had done for years... it was something i had spent time learning so that my head was a calculator. I could look at other peoples meals and estimate almost exactly how many calories they were eating and thats what i did. I sat at the table and looked at what other people ate and calculated how much they ate. I spent my days counting and counting how much i had eaten, how much i would have to exercise, i calculated the lowest calorie options and in my freetime i spent googling the calorie amount of all types of food.
  That information doesnt go away,.... ask me to calculate the amount of calories in a meal i eat now and i could guess pretty well. Though i dont do that because i dnot see the point. Who cares if my snack is 200 kcal or 700kcal, it doesnt make so much difference to me. My body is not a calculator. It uses the energy i eat and if my body doesnt use it... then it stoes it for later use. Somedays i eat more and somedays i eat less. Some meals are bigger some meals are smaller, it balances itsself out and so i have no need to count calories. But also...i dont even know how many calories i eat or how many calolries my body needs, not that it matters. A number.... a number which changes EVERYDAY depending on hormones, stress, activity, sleep, metabolism etc so there is no point counting calories either.
Calories are units of energy which your body needs. They are nothing to be scared of... who cares if you ate 2800 one day and 2990 the next day. Who cares if your body needs 3500kcal or 2600kcal... everybody is different. 
Food is fuel and energy, not numbers. So focus on food on eating food you enjoy, not what is lowest calories or no fat or sugar free... just choose what it is YOU like.

If you need more advice/help about how to stop counting calories.

Good morning Saturday!

Its Saturday morning here in Sweden and im eating my breakfast at the moment and getting ready for the day. I have some plans today, though they arent set in stone so they might change. However i have decided to take another rest day... i want to go for a run or to the gym, but im thinking i might as well :)Save up lots of energy for when i do workout next! Instead today i need to try to buy Christmas presents, set some goals for 2015, get some work done and also emailing and such :)¨

Today ive also decdided to do a Photo an hour challenge - where i take a photo of what im doing every hour so you can see how my day goes :) Not sure how well it will go, im certain its going to be a lot of... eating, watching series, googling, researching etc :) hahah

Now im going to continue with some of the stuff i need to do today and get them crossed off my list!! :) Washing clothes, sorting out my clothes, throwing away things i dont need/use is on that list!!

Have a lovely Saturday :)

Answer - Victoria Secret Models

What is your opinion on the VS Angels? My mom says they have the perfect body and thats what i should be like when I gain weight. But half of them actually have underweight BMI and do tons of exercise + eat very little. Ever since my mom made that comment I just feel bad.

First off i think the comment that your mum made was not right and was 'out of line'. Telling someone that they should look a certain way or pointing out one body type as the perfect body type is wrong. I dont know why your mum made that comment, but try to not let it bother you. You will look great after you have gained weight, will you look like a VS model? Who knows... but that shouldnt be the body type you are aiming for anyway. The only body type you should aim for is a healthy one for you. It might help if you talk to your mum... tell her that that comment bothered you. Maybe ask her to explain herself and what she meant with the comment. This is something i have started doing with my family... or all of us in the family have begun doing it. If someone says or comments something and it bothers us... then we bring it up instead of just going around thinking about it and feeling bad.

I dont like shaming other peoples bodies or saying one type is better than the other or even accusing someone of being sick or underweight. I dont have proof of it and its not my job either. Many of the models however are very skinny... some look more naturally skinny whilst others look a little bit more unnaturally skinny. 
  Last year i think their workout/diet plan before a run way show came out and it was pretty much a starvation diet combined with lots of exercise. So basically... an unhealthy way to eat, unhealthy way to exercise and unhealthy body if thats what you put it through.
  Most of the models dont look the same way in real life... of course the models who are choosen they are like the 0,0001% of the population. They look unique and different and yes, they are choosen because they are skinny and tall. Its a well known fact, its not just a randomer who is choosen.  Runway models are tall and skinny...w hich i think is wrong, because well the people were the clothes/underwear  arent going to look like the models, so why not have normal sized models.
 But lets not forget about the photoshop done on models in magazines. 

Look at THIS video

Lets not forget also that if unhealthy methods such as starvation, over exercise, not drinking water etc are used to obtain a certain body size or weight, then its not a healthy body.

Dont compare yourself to anyone and especially not VS models. You need to focus on reaching a healthy weight, getting healthy habits and a healthy mind. Not trying to look like someone else.

Many people think that the VS model body is the perfect body, but there is no such thing as a perfect body... and people forget that some models use unhealthy behaviours to look the way they do, making them unhealthy and have an unhealthy body.

*I was going to post a picture of VS models.. but then i thought that might be triggering and thought these pictures would be much better!*

Thank you!

In this post i just wanted to say a big Thank you! To everyone who reads my blog, who comments, emails me or tells me that i inspire/help them. It means so much to me.

Though of course because of the subject/topic i write and focus about - eating disorders, its very controversial to think its a good thing with so many readers. Because in the end, the more readers i have the more people there are who are struggling. Which is not a good thing, but i like to think that some people read my blog just because they like me? Or like what i have to write (hahah... maybe not). But i know some of my readers have recovered but still read my blog, and that makes me happy :)

Though i would much rather that those of you who are struggling, that you find yourself on my blog rather than a pro ana blog.. so i mean... its not so bad to have many readers if im helping people :)

Anyway, i just wanted to say Thank you for sharing my blog, for reading my blog, for emailing and commenting! I know i havent been great at emailing or commenting back at the moment, but hopefully i will have more time in the near future :)
   And i know i dont say thank you enough, so here is a big thank you!! And know that it means so much to me that you decide to click on my blog and read what I have to write everyday! ♡♡

My lunch and outfit of the day

My last official day of school today!! I only got around 4-5 hours sleep last night - as it was such a late night with all my friends over and i had so much energy that i couldnt get to sleep. So i decided when i woke up that today would be a rest day. I wouldnt go to the gym so i ate breakfast, got ready and headed to schoool. Only to find out that it was sort of pointless that i came... as there was no attendance taken and it was only a christmas show, which wasnt obligatory. Though all of my friends were there so im glad anyway... even if i secretly wished i had followed my gut instinct and not woken up when the alarm rang!
  When the Christmas show was over i said my good byes and Merry Christmas's to my friends and then headed home... it was only around 11.30 am so after cleaning up the kithcen and the living room from yesterday i began making lunch. It felt nice to have motivation, time and energy to make a delicious lunch. There wasnt so much food to choose from, but i still made something delicious and filling.

2 chicken fillets, vegetables, couscous and 2 crisp bread with spread. Who said you should eat less during a rest day? Your body needs energy no matter whether you exercise or not!

Below you also see my outfit of the day!!! Its good to vary posts (im so bad at doing this) so maybe some more outfit pictures and lunch/dinner pictures will be up!

One thing i do want to remind you all is that, Dont compare your food intake to mine. I eat differently everyday and portion sizes vary alot as well as what i eat and when i eat and whether i do inbetween snacking as well. There are just a few food pictures i post when i feel like it :)
And also to not compare body shape.... Im posting the pictures of me because i want to. Because i felt good :) So dont look at the pictures and begin comparing yourself. (Just a little note and reminder!)

Recovery strategy/advice

When you start feeling anxious or panicky and want to resort to bad behaviour like self harming, purging or exercising (in a way to burn calories/compromise for eating), then

  Remind yourself that eating is important & essential.

Its ok if you ate more than normal, or if you ate a fear food. You need to give your body energy. To fuel yourself. Eating is ok, its healthy and part of living. Ask yourself, why do i need to self harm/Purge/exercise etc ? What good will it do to me? How will i feel afterwards? What will happen if i dont resort to my bad behaviour? What will happen then?
   Nothing bad will happen. It may feel like you are drowning in anxiety, that the anxiety will literally kill you - but it wont. Infact, you need to be strong and fight the anxiety, to let it run its course. I know its awful, i knowt he anxiety can last a while.... but instead, fight it.
   Be strong enough to do something else. Read a book, write, paint, call a friend, take a shower etc... calm yourself down, dont let the anxiety or your ED control you.
  If you feel like you have/are going to suddenly gain loads of weight becaues of eating, that is not the case. Trust me. There is research, facts and proof about this. You need to eat to survive, and eating a meal.. or eating 6 meals in a day that wont make you gain weight. So you dont need to exercise, you dont need to purge, you dont need to self harm.. instead, find another way to cope.

Another way of coping when those feelings begin to kick in is to write down the reasons why you want to/need to recover. All the things you will gain with recovering from your ED. Like freedom, happiness, health, food etc etc

You have to remember to be kind to yourself - this might be something you have almost forgotten as you are so used to punishing yourself in some form or another. But stay calm and instead of punishing yourself for eating, instead be kind to yourself - praise and reward yourself. Because you have done a good thing. You have gone against your ED. And you are stronger now... boost yourself up instead of brining yourself down. Do something nice for yourself.
   See eating as a good thing, and give yourself praise afterwards instead of it just being riddled with anxiety and guilt and bad tendencies.
Hopefully these tips help a little - but the most important is to be strong. Because it is tough to go against the voice which controls you - but instead take control!!! Because you can!!


what are your favourite foods? 
I always think this question is so hard to answer because it all depends on how im feeling, what new food combination im loving and what we have in the house!! Because if you asked me just a few weeks ago i would have said quark, boiled eggs, chocolate,brocolli etc
  But at the moment my favourites and what i love is: Fried egg, cinnamon crisp bread, oranges/clementines, rice pudding, chicken(always!), wok!  

Choosing favourite food is always so hard!! I love food too much :)

what are your favourite drinks? 
Water, tea (green, chai, black, earl grey, herbal etc), coffee, celsius, funlight etc etc

where do you want to live when you are older?
I dont really know.... i cant decide. I can see myself living in Sweden but then again not... i would like to live in the U.S but unfortunatly there are some things in the system that i dont agree with. But also the helath care there... it wouldnt really work out for me to have CF and live in the U.S unless i had a very high paying job. But i can see myself travelling..... living in different places, helping people, holding presentations/powerpoints etc 
  But i actually have no idea where i want to or where i will live when im older!

 where do you see yourself in 5 years time? 10 years time?
In 5 years time... by then im guessing i have just finished whatever im studying in University. So im hoping i am searching or creating my own job, have my own apartment and am doing ok and am ok financially!!! But i think in 5 years time i will just be sort of creating my own job or trying to find my dream job and school :) Im pretty sure i will still be living in Sweden 5 years from now!
  In 10 years time i think i will be more settled, maybe be together with a partner, maybe thinking about children... working hopefully at a job i love. Being social, being active, being healthy. In 10 years time im still quite young so i mean i should have a whole life infront of me and just be sort of new to the whole working environment and moving to a bigger apartment, trying to find a partner etc etc 
  Its kind of scary but at the same time exciting to think about :)

Did you Meet this Boy again?
I dont know if i actually wrote about this or not? But we met again and just sort of talked and well.... we had our differences, i mean we had a great connection but we were in different stages of our lives. He is going to study in England in January and im so focused on my school work and graduation so we both sort of said that right now wasnt the best time.... or for me personally i felt... i didnt want to start something only to have to break it off in January. I knew it wouldnt work for me and that long distance wouldnt work either. We still talk sometimes though :) But he's just a friend....

Have you got a christmas wish?
Not really.... there are a few things i want, but it always feels weird to tell people what i want!! Im not really expecting anything this year especially as the budget is so tight because we have moved apartment, it was my birthday, its my mums birthday after Christmas etc But just spending time with family and with good food is my Christmas wish :) And a good new year!!!

 Did you already buy all your presents?
Hahhahhh no.... -_-' I might do that today, i mean its only 6 days left (5 days for me!) -_-' Im so bad at the whole christmas shopping. Or i mean, i know what im going to get, but my sister and I are going to split it i.e we pay 50/50 so its just that we have to go shopping together!

Beginning to socialize again/Making friends

One of the top requested topics/posts at the moment is about how to start socializing again... and the fact is, there isnt so much to write about just this topic. I know the fears, i am not the most social person or the person who goes to all the events and always wants to hang out with people. Infact i am an introvert... i prefer spending time alone, doing my own things rather than with people. But i have a balance.... spend time on my own, doing things i enjoy but also spend time with friends and family. The balance which is healthiest and most important for me.

Making new friends, starting a new school or new job... its all very nervewracking. And its even worse when you seem to have checked out from life for a while due to an illness. You almost forget your social skills... but the most important thing is to remember everyone is human. Its easy to think that people will judge you, and some will... but the people who matter, who will be your true friends or become your partner, well they arent so quick to judge.
  First impressions do count, but if yo uare lucky and meet the right people you will still have second, third and fourth chances.

Remember to be yourself, that is important. Its easy to put on a mask, fake a personality and just be sort of fake... or maybe you want to be someone else. You dont like who you are so you put on this bubbly and cheerful personality but in reality you are the type of person who thinks before they speak and does more watching than saying. And ic an tell you, the fake personality will wear off... sooner or later you need to be honest and open about your own personlity and how you are as a person. People WILL love and accept you for who you are. You just need to be you.
   And it might take time... you might not click with the first people you meet and socialize with, but give it time.

I can tell you from experience, when i first went back to school after my eating disorder. The school i went to was small and my class was equally as small. I didnt really click with anyone... i had school friends, people i talked to in school because i had to. But i hated it so much, i cried most days after school. I became depressed, stressed and began to relapse i hated that school so much. So no, my thoughts of when i recover adn go back to school i will have loads of friends, have a social life and begin living life was not what happend.
  And then i changed school a year later and there it took abotu 2 months before i felt i belonged somewhere... i just sort of went between the groups in the class, i couldnt find people i clicked with. I am quiet, i know that. But i feel no need to change my personality or how i am... i want people to accept me for who i am. And it took a while until it did... i even considered changing school, doing a distance/online school because i couldnt seem to make friends and it made me very sad. Because one of the reasons to recover was to have friends again, to not be so alone. But finally i clicked with a group of girls and guy(s) and there i found my friends.
   So it takes time, life doesnt always plan out the way you think it will but give it time. I could have given up anytime in those 1,5 years... but then i wouldnt be where i am now. I wouldnt have the friends or memories i have now... so even if you are struggling keep trying to make friends. TALK TO PEOPLE. Be open.
    And like i said, we're just humans. I am sure there will be a guy or girl just as nervois as you are, or who will see that you are sitting alone or quiet and come up to talk to you. Or maybe  YOU should be the one to go up to that person who is sitting alone or is quiet? Ask how they are feeling, if they want to sit with you.

Of course, its not enough to just be yourself and talk to people but to actually go to events. This can be scary.... going to places or doing things you havent done before. Trust me, most people experience that nervousness beforehand. Whether its a party, gathering, new club etc so you arent alone in those feelings. But the fact is, everyone including you is able to hide those feelings. When people look at you and are super nervous themselves they might wonder why you dont look nervous at all?
  If you get invited to go to a party, then go... you might have fun and enjoy yourself. Meet new people. Face that fear and start that new club or hobby you want to.

Trust me, i have wasted too many years in my life wishing i had more friends. But friends dont appear out of magic... its about meeting them. You have to actual go to social events, talk to people and take it from there. Some people you just click with, others become just sort of contacts, others you dont like at all... but its about being social. You cant be scared to talk to people.
  That might sound a little controversial as i am the type of person who is often silent who might not always go to every social event im invited to... but i do go as often as i can. And i am just myself when i meet new people... sometimes im more quiet, other times i have more to say.

Dont be so hard to judge yourself as others arent. You are your worst critic.

1) Face your fears and go to social events. 2) Be YOURSELF. 3) Talk to people, be open and kind. 4) Dont be scared of embarrassing yourself, just laugh if you do. 5) Not everyone will like you, thats ok.

Hamburgers and friends

Tonight was a success... it went alot better than i had thought. I was worried that there would come that awkward moment when you dont really know what to do or what to say, but that never happened!

At first 2 of my friends said they couldnt come so that made me a little sad... but actually it turned out for the best because i dont think i would have had chairs for them anyway!
 I had made burgers and fries thinking that would be a good food that most people enjoy but in all honesty i did most of the eating... maybe they werent hungry or maybe i hadnt fried the meat burgers properly... but i now have loads of meat burgers left and not really sure what to do with them!!
  When we were done eating we sat in the sofa and on the floor and continued talking and eating sweets and crisps. So much crisps in my belly now, im pretty sure i ate the whole bowl by myself after 3 burgers ^_^

The evening went really well and we sat and talked and laughed until my mum and sister came home and my friends began to leave.  They all fell in love with my apartment and with Daisy, they all pretty much decided they wanted to move in, hahaha XD Someday i might do a video of the house, but for now i think i'll wait... we're still redecorating and changing things in the house, but also i dont really want to give away too much ;)

Anyway, ive now eaten a few loads of cinnamon crisp bread (they're soo addictive, i think i ate too many!) and am about to go to bed as tomorrow its an early morning!!! And also my last day in school and last day of this school term!!