Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Party time

A quick little update before i leave :)

Its been one of those... doing 100 things in a day, type of day! Came home from my short day at school and made a quick snack before then spending the next 90 minutes getting ready! And the results are below!! A james bone inspired outfit... sort of anyway! Black and gold!

I am very excited for this evening :) I am hoping it will be fun! Both my sister and boyfriend are going to come for the dancing and partying so that is even more fun!

I hope you all have a lovely Tuesday :)

*And if you think my selfies are egoistic and not necessary, just skip looking at them and pretend they aren't there :):)

Now time to go!!! :):)

Video link

I stumbled across this video yesterday and thought that it had some very good points - things i have written about myself. But also that it is quiet relevant... as well as it being a guy talking - so maybe some of my male followers will feel better connected to that.

Also the youtuber posted about his eating disorder journey (part 1) on his blog 2 days ago, so if any of my male followers want to look at that and find motivation, then check that out!

James Bond theme class party!

Good morning!!

Its Tuesday and i'm hoping its going to be a good day! Its started in a good way anyway with a walk with my dog and a delicious breakfast, of course! Also the fact that i don't start school until 13.45 and don't need to go to school early to study!! So i can do whatever i want this morning!!

This evening however i am having my 'class party' which is a Swedish tradition. It's not a prom, but people dress up, according to the theme of the party - and my class chose James Bond! Though other themes which classes have are.... Disney characters, 60's, Something begin with a certain letter, glitter etc etc
  All graduating classes have their class party but at different times so that you can sell tickets to other graduating students (or friends/younger family!)

Before the party begins though there will be a dinner at the club where each student brings someone with them.... a family member, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend etc I'm going to bring my mum with me, and then when the party starts my boyfriend will come!
  During the dinner there will be photos/videos shown, maybe some form of speeches and also this fun swedish tradition where everyone in the class has been titled something... such as 'the class fashionista', 'the class diva' or 'the classes crazy dog lady' etc The titles have been decided as a class for the person (But the person themselves dont know what they have been titled until this evening!) So i dont know what i have been titled but i am guessing it will be something like, The class gymrat or the Class runner!
  Something along those lines as i am known as the active one! So i guess you'll get to know tomorrow what i was nominated as!! :)

Then after dinner the chairs and tables will be moved and soon the guests will start arriving and it will be dancing until the tiredness kicks in! Not sure how long i will last but as its my own classparty, i guess i dont want to leave too early!! :)

Ive got my outfit sorted and i am super happy about it... even if its not 'super James Bond', it will be an outift i feel happy in and can dance in!! There are so many different outfit routes you can go!!

You will see mine this evening :)

Recovery motivation

People seriously underestimate the dedication recovery
demands. You cannot avoid it, nor can you speed through it. You must  take your time.
Your path may alter, your rest stops may change, but you will be stronger for it.
— Michelle K., How do You Recover?

Treat yourself like you treat others

Story time:

On Sunday as we were leaving my boyfriends parents house i saw this huge (seriously huge!) spider stuck in the sink. As his parents were going to be away for a week and the spider couldnt climb out the sides of the sink i knew that if we left the spider would die. And let me tell you, i absaloutly hate spiders. If i see them i will run and most likely scream... i do my best to avoid spiders, but for some reason i just couldnt leave the spider there. I knew it would die and it felt wrong... i mean the spider should still get to live? So with calming breaths and feeling slightly panicked i managed to get it onto a cardboard piece and run out into the garden and set it free. And it felt good... I felt like a good person,as well as believing in karma... so that good things will happen after this good deed!

However after this i have been thinking alot about it.... why couldnt i just leave? I mean its just a spider.. and a huge scary one at that? But i couldnt let it die, it felt wrong. (Even with wasps and other small bugs, i cant seem to kill them even if i despise them and would prefer they didnt exist, i prefer to set them free... throw them out the window (XD) than kill them.) BUT..... why is it so easy to think about myself dying? Death has never scared me... i dont get anxiety thinking about death. Infact at times i can think about death, what its like to die? What would happen.....? Not in the sense that i long for death - not at all, i enjoy life. But i dont fear death and well - however awful it sounds - i often think if i get hit by a car or die, it wouldnt matter so much. Not for me anyway. Though i know that suicide is a very selfish thing and i would never purposely kill myself  - i have attempted that before and it didnt go as planned, but also i have learnt from my experiences and other experiences. DEATH IS NOT WORTH IT AND IT SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION. You are alive for a reason and LIFE IS WORTH LIVING.

But at the same time, i can be very reckless with my life at times, very nonchalant about it? But life is very precious. Why can i not kill bugs, but myself dying doesnt seem like a problem? But leaving a spider to die in a sink would have given me tremendous guilt?

I guess that can lead to the question of why its so much easier to treat family and friends in the right way... in the way they deserve, but so much harder to treat yourself properly? (Now i know how to treat myself properly, but many struggle with this.) People struggle with being kind to themselves... taking onboard the advice they give. (I personally have a rule for myself that i dont give advice which i can't stand for or wouldnt personally do... as i dont want to give advice which i dont believe in.).

From this long babble of train of thoughts what i wanted to say is that... we should treat ourselves like we treat others. We should be kind to ourselves. We wouldnt let our friend jump off a bridge or run infront of a car.... we wouldnt let someone hit our dog or starve our pet. So why do we do those things to ourselves? We deserve kindness as well, OUR LIFE MATTERS AS WELL. 

Your life matters just as much as your friend, family and strangers lives matters.  Treat yourself properly, be kind to yourself. And also think about... how would you feel if someone you love were to die.... that would feel pretty awful right? And thats how people would feel if you were to die. 

Remember life is worth living!!! The first step is to be kind to yourself and know that you deserve a good life and to be happy!!!

*Just some evening thoughts i wanted to get out of my head*

And on a sidenote.... Dont Google big spiders (was going to use a picture!) ... because the results are scary. And i am most likely to get nightmares now!!! XD

5 hours of sleep and new shoe excitment!

Helllooo :)

After a total of 10 hours sleep over more than a 48hour time period i have felt pretty tired today! It was around 10am when the tiredness really hit and then it was just to remind myself that i finished at 2.30pm today and not 4pm!!
  This week will be an easy week in school as i now only have one test left and that is all.... my final one for high school. Crazy! It's soon over... but i am not going to start getting nostalgic here... Or yeah i will, but most probably in a weeks time! And i also promise to write a bit more about the graduation ceremony as some people have asked about that :) If you have any specific questions about Swedish graduation or about Swedish schools, comment below and i will answer :)

On my way home i picked up a package containing my graduation shoes as well as a gold bandeau i will wear tomorrow for my class party/dinner! (More about that this evening or tomorrow!) As i bought the shoes online i was a little worried that they wouldnt fit right, so with hopeful thinking and holding my breath i opened the package and tried the shoes on!! And i love them.... is there such a thing as love at first sight? With these shoes i believe so! They are very high... so i will be towering over everyone as well as having to walk slowly as to not break my ankle. But i am in love with the shoes and its not too hard to walk in them... but i can forget about 'running' in them!!

^^So pretty ^^

Until my graduation day they will sit nicely on my drawers where i can see them and smile! Who knew i would feel like this about a pair of shoes which werent running shoes XD XD

ED recovery problems

When I realize that recovery isn’t always perfect

Whenever a fellow patient is called in for a “private” conversation

Stress and it's affects on the body

For most people, life is pretty stressful. I would say its unavoiable with the stress, whereas others think its just bad coping mechanisms. And that is true, because if you think and behave in right ways then situations dont have to be stressful. Its our own minds that create the stress in our bodies which then start messing up our body from the inside.

Stress is one of the worst things for your body as it affects so much inside of you but also the outside as your hair can turn dry, your skin can turn dry or start getting more spots on your face and body and lots of other things.

I have just been through a stressful time with exams and i know many are still in that bubble of stress when it comes to many deadlines and exams and that stress then affects your body as well as your mental health and can make you feel even worse and the cycle continues. The thing which people most often notice when they are stressed is the bloating... and that is usually a trigger for many people. But also there can be weight fluctuations, some people lose weight when they are stressed others gain it... (sometimes its just water weight from the bloating). This bloating can last a while and you can have an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach - but when you begin to relax and destress it goes away. But there are also lots of hormones in your body affected from the stress - as well as the rush of adrenaline which is what your body would have needed in a 'fight of flight' situation, but as its mental stress the adrenaline isnt used... and when that keeps happening - the rush of adrenaline it can lead to adrenal fatigue or chronic fatigue.

Stress is something which i hate and am very easily affected by it. At times i call myself a stress ball because i dont even know if i am stressed or not... maybe stress is just my constant state.( Though i know thats not true, because right now i am in a place of no stress). But it is also something which interests me alot and how it works and affects the body... i could write so much about it, but i am not planning to do that.

Instead, i want to REMIND YOU ALL that if you stress alot it WILL affect your body (in the ways below) but also if you are in a period of stress right now and you start getting spots or you are very bloated or the scale goes up or down a few kilo. Dont worry about those things, instead know that when the stressful period is over your body should go back to 'normal'. But the best thing is to have HEALTHY coping mechanisms for  stress which will make you feel less stressed and not have as many symptoms or negative side effects of stress.

Things which can help you destress:
Good music
Hugging people
Healthy food & chocolate
Minimizing caffeine intake
Sleeping enough
Having good routines and habits
Being organized and planned (but not so much that these are the things that stress you)
Talking to someone
Writing out your thoughts
Asking for help
Laughing - spending time with positive people and people who care about you
Going for a walk in nature
Exercising (but not so much that this stresses you)
Doing yoga (one of the best things to help with stress - both mental and physical stress)

Most of all, try to be kind to yourself if you are in one of those periods or times of your life. If you are extra tired, then allow yourself to rest more, try to eat regular meals and get enough vegetables and fruit, drink enough water. Take time to laugh and spend time with people who make you happy. Start a relaxing hobby or something which you enjoy. Talk to people and dont be scared to ask for help, it can really help you!!!

(note that too much exercise will stress your body even more!)

18 things mentally strong people do

Beauty Tutorial: 4 Ways to Use the Naked Basics Palette
I cannot begin to tell you how true this has been for me. #Life #Recovery #MentalHealth
I know I need help. I have hurt people and never intended to. And that I can't live with cause I hurt the most important person in my life and I have lost her. I can't do this alone. So nervous and scared yet hopefully to be going to pine lodge tomorow. I know it's gonna be tough but so what I need. I surrender cause my way isn't working for me.
Post your #PrayerRequest on Instapray. Download the free Instapray prayer app ----->

Thoughts - constructive criticism and responding to comments

Coming home from an awesome day and seeing the recent happenings in the comment section. And what can I say?

Some people want more personal posts. Some people want less personal posts. Some people want more food photos and others want less.
Some people want exercise posts. Some don't want any exercise posts.

Some things trigger some people, other things trigger other people.

But in the end this is my blog.... I write because I enjoy it. I want to help and inspire others and using my blog is also a good thing for my future career.  Because I want to continue helping others.

I try to find a balance of things, while still posting about what I want to. There will always be people who dislike me, people who don't like my blog or think what I am doing is wrong. That's your opinion and YES, YOU ARE ALLOWED YOUR OWN OPINION. And I do accept constructive criticism,  but I also think about the majority. Just because one person tells me that they want less food photos but I have 10 other people telling me that they want more of them.  Then I do listen to the majority,  but also try to balance things out.

One thing which I don't accept or enjoy is when someone tells me that my blog is useless and not needed. That I am wasting my time and that all I will achieve in life is a blog? -that is not contracture criticism that is hate

I don't personally think I post alot of body photos - not at the moment anyway. Some periods there are more,some periods less... but maybe that's where I am wrong?

But I personally think that it's boring to read posts without pictures.  And as I don't post pictures of friends, family or my boyfriend and I am wary of posting too many photos of where I am as there are weird people online.  So then some selfies or food photos is what I post. But also I AM building a social media network. I have CHOSEN to be active on social media... that is my way of building my future career and I enjoy it as well. Even if there are some negatives sometimes.

Do come with constructive criticism as that IS helpful. But I don't accept full on hate at me or my blog - then it's better to choose to just not read. Remember I am just one person,  if you don't like me then move on with your life. You are not expected to like everyone or like everything people do. But please don't sit and read my blog and build up an irritation and hate towards me when I don't believe I have done anything wrong.

If you want less personal posts, just let me know. Or if you don't want me to write about my thoughts or something or other. Just comment I do take all comments on  board and try my best to help everyone.  And if I can stay away from too many triggers I try to. But once again triggers are very individual.

Also the thing with body image.... There is nothing wrong with taking pictures of yourself. If you don't like it, you don't have to. But don't hate people who do it... everyone likes different things. And the fact is society IS focused on body image. People do look at your appearance but the fact is to be happy in YOUR OWN BODY. Because then you don't care what others think.... you are happy in yourself and so you don't mind seeing yourself in the mirror or pictures. Your body is your body, you treat it right.  Liking your body means loving your insides just as much as your outsides. And you know what. ... there is nothing wrong with wanting to change your body. If it's a positive and for the right reasons.... Because you know what strength training and getting bigger arms and legs helped me love myself even more as I wasn't happy with my stick thin arms... so that doesn't have to be something negative. Change should be done for the right reason and in the right way.  However this is a post in itself.... and if you don't like society then BE THE ONE to change it. Because the people make society... and yes, we can all be the change. And I try to help and make a difference in the best way I can and I do that by blogging.

Anyway,  now I am going off topic. But if you have constructive feedback then comment - I am a rational person and don't get angry towards other people unless they are unnecessarily rude towards me.

Not feeling as full as others

I got an email wondering about feeling full and how they dont feel full as easily as others and when they eat they always eat more than others.

I can start off by saying that this is exactly the same way for me. I always eat more than my friends and family, no matter if its lunch, snacks or dinner my portions are always bigger than those around me. And that is because

1) my body is used to eating bigger portions which happens during recovery - and its NOT a bad thing.

2) you get used to eating frequent meals meaning that you will often feel hungry every 2-3 hours when others might eat like 3 or 4 times a day and it can go 6-8hours between meals. (sounds crazy i know!! XD)

3)Your body might need more energy than others

4) You trust your body enough to eat the food and energy it needs

Many 'normal' people dont actually eat alot and can eat quite infrequent meals. Some of my friends eat practically nothing for lunch and it always surprises me, how do they not feel hungry? but i dont know what they ate before or going to eat later so i dont judge. But also they might just not be so hungry. Just because they eat little doesnt mean that they have an eating disorder as eating disorders are mental. However another reason why some people might not eat alot is because they count calories and so they dont allow themselves to eat more.

During recovery if you need to gain weight or start following a meal plan then you eat regularly and you eat big meals - you eat the energy your body needs and if you need to gain weight you eat more and your body gets used to it. It adapts... if you think about pre ed you might not have eaten the same amount that you do now... but you managed that way. You kept your weight... just like you might maintain your weight now while eating double the amount you used to eat. The body adapts which is the reason why you can eat alot compared to others but you still maintain your weight.
  Instead of seeing it as a bad thing that you eat more than others see it as a good thing... you are giving your body the energy IT needs. Forget the amount that others eat... some of my friends eat like half a chicken breast and a potatoe for lunch while i eat a double portion of fish, sweet potatoe/rootfruits and vegetables. But i am not eating 'too much' even if it looks like alot to others, it isnt because i maintain my weight meaning that i amnt eating too much or too little, but just right.

So its important to look at things in context and perspective. Everyone is different, everyone needs different amounts. If someone comments about the amount you eat then tell them that you are eating what YOUR body needs and that everyone is different. Remind them that they dont know what you have eaten or will eat... so they shouldnt judge you, just like you dont judge them.

Below are posts about how to deal with getting food comments

Remember that food ISNT something bad or something to feel guilty over. Its what your body needs and everyone needs different amounts. You should be happy that you can eat alot and maintain your weight! Trust me, it is something which i love!!!

So keep eating the amount that you know you need and feel sorry for those people who eat tiny amounts either because they dont feel hungry or are counting calories or feel like they cant eat alot. Its a pity for them, instead you should enjoy your food in the amount you need it :)

Difference between healthy exercise and obsessive exercise (vlogg)

Its roughly 13 minutes so kind of long and i apologise for that... but hopefully it might be helpful!

Video link:

Eurovision 2015

Hello!! :)

I can't not write about the Eurovision this year, especailly considering that Sweden won!! There was a high chance that Sweden might win but i didnt think they would (Oopps... i mean of course Sweden would win XD).

I havent followed any of the semi finals so i didnt know which songs the different countries had, so it was exciting to see them all yesterday! And as i am someone who has watched the ESC every year since i was old enough to remember i can say that there was a suprising amount of 'normalness' and ok talent. Because lets admit it... ESC is a bit cheesy and the music just isnt that good most of the time. But this year it was like i was waiting for someone to start doing something a little more crazy or start singing about a cat or a hat!!
  As i have so many international readers i dont want to talk about songs i didnt like but my top 5 were ´: Sweden, Australia, Belgium, Norway and Russia.

The thing about Eurovision is that it is supposed to be a way of making Europe closer, a way for Europeans to come together. But its all very political which was duly noted during yesterdays show and voting! A few months ago i wrote an essay about the ESC and its affect on nationalism and how political it is even if it claims to not be.

Anyway, moving on from that! I didnt actually get to see the final as i had booked a taxi for 00.40 as it said the show would be over 00.30.. and i didnt think about the fact that it usually goes over time. So 5 minutes before Sweden won - and in the middle of the tense voting/Point announcing - i had to jump into the taxi! Though the Swedish commentators were on the radio so i could atleast smile and know that Sweden had won even if i wasnt watching it! Typical though... i mean you want to see when the winner is announced and see them perform. Thats the best part, but nope... thats the part i miss!! hahah

Anyway, what did you think of the show if you watched it? Is anyone interested in coming to Sweden for next years ESC? :)
I am hoping they will have the competition in Stockholm because then i live close to the arena where it will likely be held!! XD

Below you see Swedens winning song!
Måns Zelmerlöw - Heroes

Fresh hair, Gumball (Sweden) and shopping

The title descirbes my afternoon in 3 words - mostly anyway!

After my delicious breakfast my boyfriend and I headed into town and were joined by one of my boyfriends' friends and his girlfriend. The 3 of them headed into 'Gamla Stan' where Gumball 3000 (read more about it HERE - wikipedia link) - and all the cars planning to drive from Stockholm to Las Vegas were parked there. My boyfriend is a bit of a car fanatic to say the least (and im learning alot from him!! His passion to cars is the equivalent to my passion of exercise and working out!). So they went to look at the cars while i went to get my hair cut (and i think this is one of the first times where i have felt happy after getting my hair cut!! Maybe its because im much more mature now? But also i am happy with it... its so fresh after way too long of dry and too long hair!) and then shopping. My aim was to get the necessities for my graduation which i have done and then i also found a few other things which i decided to buy... with a little guilty feelings and wanting to return them all 5 seconds after buying them. But i reminded myself, its ok to buy things for myself. These are items which i will use and actually need - considering that i have been using the same 3 or 4 tops for way too long. So i needed new tops as well as the other things i bought (which i will post tomorrow!). So trying to remind myself of that and not feel bad for spending money on things for myself.... Its a learning process!!

When i had finished with all of that i met my boyfriend and his friends at McDonalds before I joined them to look at the cars. (pictures below!)

Then home for a snack and to rest up before i head to my friends house (which makes me now realise that i should be leaving soon! XD) where we are going to order Indian take away and watch the Eurovision!!! :)