Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, May 26, 2016

Did treatment help me recover or would/could i have recovered without treatment? Recovering as an adult without treatment

How did you cope from eating very little to being made to start recovery? As an adult in recovery I made my own choice to recover - but you were very young and that decision was made for you. Did it make your recovery experience harder or easier knowing that it wasn't your choice?

Do you think in patient treatment is the best for a successful recovery? Do you think your stay in hospital benefited you more than it would have done if you and your family had to manage your recovery at home?


First off i think treatment is important that seeking help from a treatment centre should be a first option, however i am aware that not everyone can do that for numerous reasons. But also that not all treatment centres are good... the first treatment i got was just therapy which didnt help at all and second was inpatient in a kids psychiatric unit which didnt help at all and just made me worse and then finally treatment from an actual eating disorder clinic in a different country (So yes, i had to move country to recieve proper treatment) and even then it took a year of inpatient, then outpatient, then inpatient, then outpatient and finally inpatient again before i began to recover. So i can say that even if treatment is recommended and helps, it doesnt automatically make a person recover. Many go in and out of treatment centres and from inpatient to outpatient for many years before actually recovering. .What treatment does is give you the support you might not receive if you didnt get help from a treatment centre, but also you often get to meet a doctor or dietitian which helps as well as they keep track of your weight and make sure that you eat and those things can be hard to do when you are on your own/just with your family. It can be very hard for a family to force you to eat as they dont have the energy to do that or see how much you "suffer" when they force you to eat, but also they might not have the time.

For me, despite being in treatment for roughly 1,5 years (i.e i started therapy at the start of 2010 in Ireland) and it was summer 2011 when i began to want to recover, but then relapsed at the end of 2011 and then didnt begin to recover/fight my fears and ed habits until summer 2012 and that was done on my own. Treatment helped keep me alive and it made me eat and rest, and i can say that without being an inpatient i would not have overcome my exercise addiction... i would not have been able to face my fear of resting and sitting if i wasnt an inpatient, but also it made me eat. My mum couldnt force me to eat, i just resisted so i needed to have staff at treatment force me to eat and rest. But actual recovery and wanting to recover that was MY choice and i did that on my own.

Recovery comes from the inside and just because you go to treatment doesnt mean that you will recover, unfortunatly. HOWEVER going to treatment makes you eat and helps you regain weight if that is what you need as well as maybe therapy being offered, and as you begin to eat and nourish your body it is easier to think straight and feel more energetic and lively and then begin to want recovery. So going to treatment, eating and resting and maybe therapy can help you make the decision to want to recover. .But just because you eat and gain weight doesnt mean that you are free and recovered i.e just because you reach your goal weight and are no longer inpatient doesnt mean you are free from your eating disorder, so treatment shouldnt just stop there instead maybe therapy should be offered instead of inpatient care.

For me, treatment kept me alive until i found the strength, courage and will to want to recover. If i hadnt gone to treatment or made to eat i would most likely have died from suicide or from a heart attack (as i had problems with potassium and electrolytes as i purged and exercised so much despite barely eating).

Recovery without treatment is fully possible as long as you are motivated and keep eating because it does get easier. If you have the motivation within you and keep facing your fears then you dont need treatment necessarily, even if it can be good. But getting help with a meal plan or going to a doctor ever once in a while or therapy can be great help, but motivation to recover comes from the inside and not something that happens just because you are in treatment.

I was forced into treatment, i had no option about that as i was underage and it did help me. If i am honest, i dont think i would have recovered without treatment i didnt have the motivation or strength or courage to want to recover and i needed to be forced to eat and rest until i could find that strength and courage.

How did you feel about having to recover? Were you even aware there was a problem?


I hated treatment, everyday it was awful. But i found it awful because i was being forced to do things that scared me, i mean treatment isnt bad.... i had to eat and rest... thats basically how i spend some of my days now, its just that now i amnt forced to eat and rest, but a choice and i dont have staff watching my every move. But treatment was awful because i didnt want to be there as well as being constantly filled with anxiety, fear and guilt.


I was aware there was a problem, i mean i knew that not eating and purging wasnt exactly normal but at the same time i kept telling myself that i was healthy and happy and there was no problem. As well as my habits being so "normal" that i didnt even register or think about that they werent normal or healthy. And then there was also the fact that i didnt feel underweight and everyone else was so much skinnier or eating less than me or exercising more, so why was i the one in treatment or being told to gain weight when people skinnier than me were out running marathons. 

In a way i knew i was sick but at the same time not really as i could rationalize everything i did and there was always someone worse than me and i told myself "i did eat" and i did sit sometimes, so there was nothing wrong with me... but then i reached the point of "i have had enough of this. I have had enough of being scared of eating, enough of not being able to sit down despite my legs shaking from tiredness and dizziness due to lack of sleep. Tired of the anxiety and fear and not being able to live my life as i was stuck in hospital" and that was an important part of my recovery and wanting to recover. My thoughts were along the line of, Why sit in a hospital being skinny and scared to eat and hating myself  when i could try to gain weight and be out and live life... i mean i hate myself anyway so what does it matter.

I reached the point of "enough is enough" and i cant keep doing this. I was so physically and mentally exhausted. And thought, why not. which was what helped me choose recovery the first time i.e sometime summer 2011, and then again in summer 2012 after my relapse. 





Depression recovery stories - guest posts

Ii know this may be a sensitive topic and subject but if anyone ever wants to write a guest post about their depression recovery or if you have fully recovered from depression or just any advice you have that would be very much appreciated. I know it would be inspiring for myself and motivational for others as well, but of course it isnt always so easy to write about, but even if you have some advice or inspiration to share, that would be great!! And of course, you can be anonymous and use a fake email or whatever if you want to email me, so your name wont be attached or anything.

If you ever want to share a guest post/your story/advice regarding an eating disorder or depression just email me at: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

It does inspire others and myself, but of course it is not always easy to share personal stories and can take alot of courage to write about it. But if you have a blog and have ever written a post you might want to share you can also email me and attach your blog link/post link so i can add that as well!


Life update and feeling better!

Good morning everyone :) Or maybe it is evening or afternoon when you read this, but for me it is the morning!

I want to start off by saying thank you for all the questions i have recieved recently, it has definitely inspired me and all i want to do now is sit and write and answer all the questions i have recieved, which is what i plan to do. I dont really have anything else/anywhere to be today as i am waiting with exercise until the weekend if i still feel ok. So might as well spend the whole morning writing!

I am feeling alot better today and more like myself. More energetic, have an appetite and more clear in the mind i.e not walking around like a zombie. Infact over these past few days i have walked into more walls, doors, chairs and tables than i have through all my childhood, hahaha. Though i wasnt a very clumsy child, but now it was like i couldnt quite control my body and it was like my body radiated towards those corvers of chairs and tables, haha. Today i atleast have mental clarity and can think straight! So moving on and looking to the future, and if i look into the near future i.e today, tomorrow and the weekend then my future contains 1) do the last bit of work for my group presentation today, 2) Do my group presentation, hopefully pass that presentation and then be completely done with this course (Mixed feelings). I have gotten a grade (or well, a pass or fail) on everything we have done so far and i have passed everything even if i thought i would fail my previous test and the essay i wrote but that was not the case. (I really need to start believing in myself and stop thinking that my work isnt good enough.) and then on Friday i also need to do laundry, clean my room and pack and then on Saturday i will travel to Stockholm and bring with me as much as i can and then sometime in the following week my mum will drive me to the apartment and i will pack with me everything i need apart from the furniture which wont be moved until the end of June.... So basically moving home again on  Saturday.

Or well, i still have the option to live with my boyfriend but i still dont know how i feel about that... but i have also been told that i can live there while he is out travelling in Norway (i wont be following with), hahah. So if i need a break from my family i atleast have that option.


Sooo... that is my plan for now. And i havent gotten a summerjob, but next week i might go to some smaller cafes/stores and apply there and see if i can get a few weeks job in the summer, who knows! Would be good for me so that i dont just lie around doing nothing and wishing and waiting until autumn. But hopefully the weather will be good so that i can travel out to an island with my faily and atleast get some sunshine and away from the city and feel like a little summer holiday/break!

Anyway, now i am going to try to answer some of your questions and either today or tomorrow make the video answering questions about plant based/veganism :) Though i will most likely do 2 or 3 videos as there is so much i want to say and i made a video yesterday but it was 30 minutes long and very bad video quality so i decided to not publish it! Just to remake videos!

I hope you all have a lovely day and now that i am feeling better hopefully but to better blogging as well as having more time for it!!


Tuesday, May 24, 2016

What were things that scared me most during recovery/about recovery and how do i feel about them now.


What were things that scared me most during recovery/about recovery and how do i feel about them now.
  I think that if you can, you should write down your fears you have and really question yourself.... ask yourself why they scare you and how you can change that.

And i might make a part 2 of this as there were many fears i had which have now changed, or things i thought in the past but my opinion is changed. If you have any certain topics you would like me to write about... such as what i thought about something and how i think about it now etc


Weight gain/all the weight going to my stomach/being super bloated.

Those 3 things scared me immensely, and there was no real argument or reason for why i was so scared of gaining weight or all the weight going to my stomach. Its something in the head, but its also something society has told everyone... that you need to have a flat stomach or look skinny to be accepted or happy or pretty. Which isnt the case.
  During recovery i gained weight all over my body and since then the 2,5 years i have been recovered and had a healthy body my body has changed and changed and changed. Not intentionally, it just sort of changes depending on circumstances. If im stressed then my body holds onto water, i bloat like crazy, i even gain some fat. Or it can go the other way sometimes where i end up losing weight and fat and just feeling very 'tiny' because my body isnt holding any water.
  Now weight gain, fat gain on my stomach or being super bloated really didnt bother me. I bloat often depending on circumstances, sometimes i dont bloat at all, sometimes its constant for 3-5 days. We dont own a scale at home so i dont know my weight and that number doesnt really matter to me... it goes up and down, just like a human body naturally does. So my tip to you all.... if you can, throw away your scale.If you go to treatment, then let them weigh you and dont care about weighing yourself at home. That number really doesnt matter or define you!!

Eating foods with sugar/carbs/fat(foods with higher fat percent) and all my fear foods which was a long list containing like 95% of all foods.

Recovery was a process of trying fear foods several times because NO, its not enough to try it just once and then decide whether you like it or not. Now i dont have any foods that scare me or any foods that are restricted. I eat what i crave whether its 3 fried eggs, my step dads pancakes or my mums lentil soup.... or maybe even some carrots and fruit as a snack. It all depends. Am i craving that chocolate muffin? Then ill eat it, if i can get one anyway!! Food is energy which my body needs and as i dont see food in numbers then its easier to eat because you know its just food... not 200 of this or 500 of that.
  Also frying food in butter/oil or using cream in dishes all of that is just normal, i dont even think about it. Like when i was asked to fill in my food diary for 4 days during summer for my dietician i didnt even think about adding those to my intake as they are just things i use and the same with putting spread on bread or crisp bread.... its just normal. I mean... eating dry crisp bread... ive done that before and i can tell you, its pretty much like eating cardboard. But crisp bread with avocado and cottage cheese or with fried egg or even just spread and some herb salt... now THATS delicious :)

Being scared of resting

Sometimes its scary to think just how messed up your thoughts are when you are sick. To think that 10 minutes of resting will make you gain weight? Well i can tell you, everyone would be overweight if that was the case. (And yes, i know that a large % of people are over weight, but it has got to do with so much more than just resting... ). Now i throughly enjoy lying in bed and just watching films or series or sitting during my lunch breaks and working on school stuff or just sitting and talking. I no longer count the hours and minutes i spend sitting because well.... who does that? I dont count the hours i am active or the amount of breaths i take or the amounts of steps i take.... that just isnt necessary.


These are just 3 of the things that scared me about recovery, but if you want i can write about some more... or you can comment things you are scared of and i can write my thoughts about them :)

Meal ideas/inspiration - recent eats

Some of my recent eats the past few weeks :) as you might have noticed I have begun eating more plant based/vegan and I plan to make a video about it within a few days time so if you have any questions leave them below and I will answer them in the video :) but of course I'll talk about why, how I feel, if it's a lifestyle change or just a diet etc  but if you have any questions or wonder anything just ask.

Or if you want me to make a video answering some of your questions just let me know :)

Tuesday morning - be thankful for your body and start the day with positive thoughts

Good morning!!

This morning it was definitely a struggle to get out of bed. I woke up at 6.30am, sat on the edge of my bed but ended up falling back down to the side and sleeping until 7.30am when i woke up for real feeling somewhat drousy and with a headache.

Today i want to start my morning and day with a walk, not a long one but just to get fresh air and to move my body and to clear some thoughts. Though if i actually manage to leave the apartment is another story, haha. I have a seminarium today but that isnt until 14.30 so i have practically half a day to do whatever i want, which will most likely just consist of laundry, room cleaning and emailing if my internet decides to participate because at the moment i can barely do the basics like pay my bills online or open up Google because the internet keeps cutting out. But thats life! Could be worse ;)

Which brings me to the actual topic of this post.... positive thinking and thanking your body. As they say "the greatest wealth is healthy" and it is important to keep yourself healthy. And also, your body is the only one you have so you need to take care of it. Treat your body like a friend and thank it for what it can do, thank it for surviving so long and recovering from all the colds/sickness you have had in your life, or the injuries, cuts or bruises. Thank it for still functioning even if at times you might feel like screaming because your body doesnt co operate, haha.
The past few days i have been constantly bloated and still am, from morning to night. But you know what, who cares. That is what my body is doing right now and that bloat doesnt bother me. Instead i choose to thank my body for being alive, for functioning somewhat despite the different pains here and there. And focusing on health. I am not caught up in weight or numbers or looking a certain way, so i write this for the sake of those who need a reminder. Your health is so much more important than your appearance or weight. Focus on having a healthy body AND mind, on having a functioning body and treating your body right. Forget the "goal body" and make your own body your "goal body" and love your body for how it looks. Despite the bloating or the scars or what you percieve as flaws.

This morning start your day - or end your day, or both with thanking your body. Saying 3 positive things about yourself/your life/your body. For some it might feel strange, but the more often you try to do it the easier it gets and the more you start to believe those compliments and positive comments. Start and end your day with positive thoughts and focus on treating your body right instead of punishing for all the things you think is wrong with it. You wont get anywhere with self hate or self loathing, those things will just make life harder and make you punish yourself or take out your anger on your body when instead your body should be treated right!!!

You might think it sounds silly, but give it a try... try it for a week and see whether you begin to feel better when you just accept that you bloat at times and instead love your body and not let the number on the scale affect what you think of your body or how you feel. Instead remember that it is just a number which says very little and has very little importance in the bigger picture!

To finish this long post, i hope you all have a great day and manage to think some positive thoughts and hopefully some positive things happen to you or you hear some good news :)


**Internet connection so awful i cant even upload a photo XD**