Life without Anorexia
I was open going there... thinking, no negative thoughts. Be open for change. However, dissappointment overcame me (though i tried to keep it from my face).
The area where the apartment is is far from school and town. Theres not much of a forest or walking place either, just sort of many apartment buildings. The apartment was bigger than the one we have now, though it felt smaller, the bedrooms were definitely smaller than what we have here (though there were 3 bedrooms, not 2).
Walking around in the apartment, i just had all these feelings overcome me. I dont want to move. And having to move there gives me fear, panic and anxiety. Its like this bubble in my stomach, my apetite gone completly. All i can think about is that we could be moving there and i just dont want to. My mum can tell that i dont want to move there, that it wasnt the place for me... but i dont think shes taking that into consideration.
Changes can be good, but i feel this isnt a change i am willing to make. My sister wasnt happy either... both of us like living close to town. I have early and long school days, if i were to begin at 8am and finish at 4pm (which is most of my school days) i would have to leave at 6.30am and wouldnt come home until maybe 6pm, and if i were to workout aftre school - most likely, i wouldnt come home until even later.
The reason i can make my school life, personal life, online life and my workouts work is because i live so close to everything. I can walk to school or the gym (20 minutes). And c.a 10-15 minutes with the bus. Meaning that i have more time for study as i dont need to spend 2+ hours on public transport to and from places. This makes it easier for me to workout often during school time.
I like knowing i live close to town but also that when i feel i need a break i can go for a walk and there are lots of different routes, anything from 2km to 20km i can just walk and get away. And that makes me feel happy, being close to nature but also close to town.¨
I have so many mixed feelings and i dont even know what to think or what to do with myself anymore. I dont have much say in this decision, but i am starting to feel panic and thinking that i better start signing myself up on apartment lists soon if i want to move out. Maybe this is the kick in the butt i need to start doing these things on my to-do list such as applying for loans and apartment looking, im old enough for it now.
Im sorry for the negative post, but my blog is still my outlet for these types of thoughts and feelings.
Something more and more noticable in todays society is the fat phobia rising in both girls and guys. Being fat has become a fear for many, something even worse than death. They would rather starve themselves, harm their body physically and put their mental state at risk to avoid becoming so called 'fat'.
Ive been there, that emense fear of becoming fat. Thinking that eating even a little would suddenly make me fat.. it was like i thought the food i ate would sit as a clump on my belly... Thats not the case.
In my journals from the kids psychiatric ward in Ireland i was 14 and i said I would rather die than be fat.
That was how i thought all the years i was sick... dying was better than having any fat on my body. But now when im healthier and happier i can think what is so wrong with fat on my body? The body needs fat to function properly.... i get tummy rolls when i bend over, i have a layer of fat all over my body some places it jiggles more than others. But whats so wrong with that?
Does it make me not pretty? Un smart? Un happy? un-anything? No, it simply means I have a healthy, happy and properly functioning body. I dont need to change anything about my body.
Those models you see in magazies, they also have fat however thers has been photoshopped away because society doesnt seem to want to accept or acknowledge the fact that the body needs fat to function properly. Its especially important for girls, and if you dont have a high enough fat procent you might not have your period.
Now dont get me wrong, im not saying being obese is healthy. Because that ISNT either. But having a healthy body fat procent is needed. Whats the point of being super skinny if you become infertile and cant have kids in the future (or your own biological kids anyway)
Is having fat on your body really the worst thing out there? Is it worse to have fat on your body than to get hit by a car and become paralyzed? Worse than having your parents die? Worse than living an unhappy life just because of your fear of gaining a bit of weight and fat?
Many email and write to me wondering how to gain muscle without gaining fat...But it doesnt work that way? Why are you so scared of gaining a little fat. Its extra protection for your body and organs.
I recently read a post by a Swedish blogger who wrote "I wonder how some girls dare to wear a bikini on the beach." "I compare myself with others so that i feel better about my body" "It must be nice for some girls to not care how they look and let thier stomach stick out".
After reading that, i had a real rage to my sister.... its those types of comments that lead to this type of thinking and fat phobia. Its those types of comments that lead to people feeling insecure about thier bodies, thinking they have to look a certain way to be happy or confident.
That isnt the case.
I am just glad that i am free from all those thoughts, all the fat phobia and fears i had. Now i can truly be happy in my body, not care how it looks or panic because im bloated on camera. Thats how my body is.
For many, that is not the case. However with my blog i want to promote body love, loving your body at all shapes, sizes and weights. And remind you all that a HEALTHY body is a HAPPY body. No extremes!!! And YES, your body does have scars, marks, spots, bits that jiggle and a stomach that sticks out.. thats OK!!
I saw this photo and i think its something very important to remember... you feel trapped or stuck in the same routine. Or you dont dare to do new things... this is not somebody elses fault or causing (though of course it can be someone elses fault why you built the walls aroudn you) but in the end...you've put up these walls around you.
Most people have something stopping them from doing certain things... i mean not everyone lets go so easily, lets go of their fears or does things that scare them. But actually... doing those things is nothing bad.
Sometimes you need to just break down the walls around you.
You feel you cant go out to a cafe with friends?Why? Whats stopping you... its just the voice in your head stopping you. Why not fight against that voice instead of listening to it?
You're scared of heights...Why not face the fear... climb up somewhere high and just sit there, take deep breaths. Climb to the top of a hill or moutain and face your fear of heights.
You're scared of travelling because there is a change in routine... well you wont overcome that fear by just sitting in your room/house all day. Instead book that weekend away somewhere, enjoy it. Dontn worry about routines or habits. Break free from all of those.
And ok, its easier to sit here and write this... tell everyone to break down the walls around them. Because i still have walls around me, stopping me from doing certain things. Im scared of heights and walking over bridges. But i face these fears.. i put myself in situations, no matter how horrible they feel, or the anxiety and panic bubbling up in my throat. I walk over the bridge... (or more, speed run over it due to panic) but thats one step closer to one day being fully comfortable walking over bridges. Or being up high places.
Its easier said than done, but its not impossible to do either.
I mix egg whites & 2 whole eggs, stevia & cinnamon & milk. Into the microwave for around 10 minutes so it becomes 'solid'. And then i mix in quark & apple sauce. & top with strawberries, coconut and coconutmilk!! Its like a dream in my mouth!!!
Super delicious!! Though the downfall is that its a warm breakfast and its so warm outside so afterwards i sit there and am just heating up from both the inside and outside ;) hahah
(And yes i know this is a low carb breakfast... i eat enough carbs the rest of the day!!! Or maybe not... i dont know how ill eat today ;))
I have stretchmarks and cellulite on the back of my legs. My stomach sticks out at times. My hands, arms, stomach and lgs have scars. But this is what makes ME. I have MANY spots and i have freckles. But thats just part of me... thats how my body is.
Back to the topic... i know some people think its weird that i post these types of pictures but the fact is, i dont care what people think... If people think im too skinny, too big, too muscular or anything. I am comfortable in my body, i am happy with the way i look. So i dont need anybody elses approval.
Now i dont post pictures for comments, appraisal or approval, thats not why i do it. I do it to show that you can also be comfortable to be in a bikini on the beach. You DONT have to cover up...
The reason i post pictures is also because i spent so many years never daring to wear a bikini on the beach or feeling extremely self conscious. No photos of me were allowed to be taken. But now thats different... The more photos the better ;) hahaha Need to document this confidence ;) When im 50 and looking different i want to look back on these years and smile at all the photos i took of myself ;)
Now of course i could get into lots of things such as feminism and sexism with this post, how really i KNOW i should cover up as girls are often so sexulised, and i often do get weird remarks or weird guys thinking its ok to wolf whistle at me... but im going to skip writing about all of that - though i could. Hahha.
But this post is just about being comfortable in your own skin and being OK wearing whatever, that you DONT have to wear jumpers and sweat pants because you dont feel comfortable.
I know there are many things like you have to be a certain size to wear crop tops or bikinis but i think that as long as you are confident and happy you can wear whatever you want!!
Who cares what shape you are or what your weight is!!! Just be happy and confident in your own body ;)
My hormones are everywhere at the moment so 1) all i can think about is food. And i kept opening and closing the fridge & 2) i couldnt make up my mind if i wanted to go or not... i felt too warm and the heat was making me tired, but im glad i went!
We first had to walk 30 minutes to the bus station and then walk another while until we came to the beach. We lay our blanket down and the first thing i did was begin to eat, haha!!!, Fruit, nuts and eggs :) Perfect snacks to bring with you!
However this is something i want to bring up, that going from anorexia to bulimia is NOT uncommon. It happen and with more people than 1.
When you are so restrictive, and starve your body all it does is scream for energy... it wants food but you deny it that. Food is one of the basic things we need to survive and without it or minimal food we dont last long.
Eventually there comes a point when you feel you cant be so restrictive, you are just too hungry and so you eat something and suddenly you cant stop. It goes from 2 slices of bread to 6 cheese sandiwches & 3 bowls of cereal with milk followed by 2 handfuls of dried fruit.
The anxiety over this overwhelming binge, this uncontrollable thing gives you so much anxiety that you purge to get rid of the guilt and the food..
and then you might begin restricting the next day, to keep from binging. But restriction just leads to more binging and purging and the cycle continues.
Ive been there, ive been through that phase. The restriction, uncontrollable binging due to hunger and then purging from the guilt. Only to restrict the next day.
If you go through this phase or go from anorexia to bulimia DONT feel ashamed. I know its tough, its tough mentally as its going from complete control (or what you feel is contrlól, though not really) to absaloutly no control and huge binges.
Talk to someone. This is my best advice... thigns CAN get better, but going form one ED to another isnt good. Just like going from anorexia to orthorexia, its just changing weird eating habits.
The binging happens because your body is so starved of energy. It just wants food. You can find yourself binging on high carb or high energy foods... i binged on cheese sandwiches, cereal and dry fruit as i had begun restricting and cutting carbs from my diet. Which WASNT good.
Returning to a meal plan can really help you, as it structurres up your eating habits. You eat several times a day and you know when and what to eat. And to keep away from binging.
For me, i had to get rid of the foods i binged on for a while and then slowly return them into my diet. But i felt i couldnt eat them in a normal amount.
For some, they prefer to have those types of foods as more staple items in their diet so that they DONT binge on them later, and others need to cut their binging foods fomro their diet completely. So find what works for you.
Also finding distractions wehn you feel you will binge... go out for a walk, talk to someone, do something with your hands or soemthing to get you using your brain such as maths or sudoku? :)
TALK to someone. Eat regularly and DONT restrict certain food groups, that wont helop you, Also making sure you eat enough. These things will help to stop the binging.
Dont feel ashamed or embarrassed, this is in your head, but also binging is physical if you have gone from restrictive eating. Your body and mind are starving, and then it goes from being starving to just not being able to control the binges, that you binge just because.
Dont get trapped in different eating disorders, instead fight to break free. I broke free from anorexia, my binging & purging phase and even from my exercise addiction. (and of course self harm and depression as well). I am free from all of that, it took years of struggle and years of recovery but now i am healthy, happy and free. And YOU can do it as well.
Just ask for help and support and fight the voice in your head!!!!
I am not a huge film fan - though i once was. I could spend my whole day watching films, which i often did as i could spend weeks at home sick due to my CF. I actually thought being a movie critique would be a good job for me... i mean, eating popcorn and watching movies and then writing your critique/review...What a great job :)
But now i feel i am too restless to watch films... on my own anyway. Sometimes during the evenings i watch films but usually its just series which are 40 minuts - and they still take me anywhere from 60-90 minutes to watch because i always end up doing other things. Whether i go up to do the dishwasher, or sit and write a blog post or even go out with the dog (in the middle of the series ;))!!
Here are some of my favourite films (though basically i love all Johnny Depp films... so i'm not goiing to bother mentioning them all :))
Pirates of the Caribbean - The black Pearl (I was not a huge fan of the 2nd,3rd and 4th? i think there is a 4th)
Wildchild - hahaha, i just love this film no matter how many times ive seen it!
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
Bridget Jones Diary (1&2)
Memoirs of a Geisha
^^These are films which i know the story line and how they go perfectly because ive watched them all a minimum of 5 times each :)
But i can still watch them again and again and still enjoy them :)
This morning i woke up at 10am (even though i fell asleep around 10.30pm!!). This is the longest ive slept and the latest i have woken up in a few months!!! I naturally wake up at 7 or 8 am, thats just my natural bodies clock. But lately ive been feeling more tired but still havent been able to sleep longer, so it was a relief to finally be able to sleep so long.
Though i did wake feeling a little disorientated.. i thought it was 8am or something so was shocked when i saw it was 10!!!
Today i am filled with energy so hopefully i will be up and doing things all day!!! :)
If im honest, im not following this whole new diet and raw food diet thing... i dont really care about it. I mean there will ALWAYS be new diets, new trends which 20% of the population start with and finish within a month. They come and go, some devote themselves to that type of eating, whilst others jump on and off the bandwagon.
As i understand it, you eat fruits and vegetables - an abundance of them up until 4 where you can eat a cooked meal? But still only things like fluten free pasta, potatoe, raw sushi etc?
According to the diet you arent supposed to undereat, you are still supposed to get your calolrie intake but all from fruit and veggies, i.e eating 10 bananas at a time?
In my opinion this diet is just absurd, is it even a long term diet? Sounds more like a 2 week detox type thing. Because lets be honest... if you are on holiday or staying at a friends house or dont have access to buy your own food, i dont think you wuill be able to eat 500kcal in just fruit for one meal? But also fruit rots so easily, especially summer time.
But the amount of gases and bloatedness you will have from eating so much fruit and veggies? I know that fruit is alot easier to digest than meat, but it still takes its time. And because its so much fiber your stomach works hard and can bloat alot.
Also with this diet, you lack protein and healthy fats which are essential for your body. Your brain needs healthy fats, thats why they are so important. And your muscles & cells need protein, especially if you are working out.
I think the diet is just absurd, its not anything you can do for more than a week or two, mauybe a month. But i can imagine many undereat on this diet as it can be hard to eat 500kcal of veggies... unless maybe you want to eat 5 bananas at once... but how much fun is that?
I think its better to focus on eating carbs, protein and healthy fats. Have balance between the macronutrients... dont restrict one of the food groups. Eat enough food, exercise, rest, drink plenty of water. DONT jump into some diet... whether its paleo, iifym, lchf etc etc
Veganism and vegertarianism is different.. thats not just a 6 week diet thing. But its a lifestyle change.
So Freelee the banana girl? If im honest, i dont know much about her and i dont have the energy to google her either. Because i dont care about her... if she wants to start telling everyone to eat 10 bananas a day and stop eating certain foods, well i cant stop her. But im not going to listen to her either.
I saw her video where she was critisizing Jenna Marble and saying she had gained weight... and well after that i felt i dont have the energy for this girl. I think its wrong to sit behind a camera and critisize someone elses body.
She has the right to eat whatever way she wants, and sure she can give advice and preach that her diet is the best diet but its not something for me.
Do i think that she has an eating disordereed (i got asked this) ? No i dont... or i dont know her/watch her videos so i dont know. If she is undereating say only eating 500kcal a day and saying its just because she eats fruit and veggies, then maybe something is wrong. But an eating disorder is a metnal illness, you cant just diagnose someone because they dont eat the same way you do. Its like saying all vegans have an ED, which isnt true, Of course, its very restrictive, but that doesnt maen you have an ED.
However there are some people who have been vegan but then they eat fish again or something non vegan and suddenly realise that veganism isnt for them, that actually they were just a vegan because they were scared of food. And that can be classified as disordered eating, as you are scared of eating certain food. But its not a moral or ethical choice, but a fear.
If you are recovering, or even just a healthy person or even someone who wants to lose weight. I suggest avoiding these types of diets, they arennt helpful. Just like tea toxes, drinking diets, fasting diets, cleanses etc they aren't long term diets or something you can do forever.
^^Whoever thinks 5 mangos for lunch is an ok lunch is just crazy in my opinion.
When i was out for a walk this morning i was like, I cant keep blogging on my old URL: living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com
Thats long gone and well, i needed an update!!! Of course, i would have liked to completely let go of the 'anorexia' bit of my URL, but the fact is that so many people search 'life without anorexia' and find my blog, so i feel that i needed to keep it. But also because i do write about my past and how to recover!!!
My old URL redirects you to my new URL, however, if you follow my on Bloglovin you might have to change that... i.e search for my new URL :)
And if you search for me or put the URL into your browser put in: www.lifewithoutanorexia.com :)
I am very happy with this new change, i felt it was needed ;) Even if it costs, its worth it!!!
Maybe sometime i'll move my blog from Blogger and create my own website, but i feel i dont quite have the skills for it yet ;) But small progress is better than no progress, it just took me almost 2 years to change my URL!! haah
Ohhh, and also if you want to Share my blog on Google Plus!!! :) Those shares are gone now as ive changed URL ;) haha
I just want to tell everyone that I'm not ignoring your comments (i know there are loads i havent replied to :(). But u can't seem to reply from my phone app which i usually do, so now its harder to reply. I me it might take a day or two... or maybe just 5 minutes, depending if I'm on the computer or not.
And same goes with emailing, i havent really had time either. I do try my best however, but as i want to make the most of these lest few weeks before school begins again. I'd rather be outside and doing things with friends and family than at my computer. But ill try my best :) But just so you all know, I'm not ignoring you!!! :)
I found this online and thought it was a good reminder and to put things in to perspective. Treat your body lile it's your child... would you really tell your child to not eat because she/he is too fat?
When i went to the shop for snacks i was hungry, so i went a little overboard!! haha
^^Serisouly, story of my life!!!
When in the shop, i wanted to buy everything..... i was going to buy 4 different types of chocolate (XD) but limited myself to 2! I wanted to buy crisps & popcorn & ricecake snacks. Ice cream and soda... ohh, and to be healthy some vegetables of course ;) Got to have balance!!!
I came out of the shop with soda, 2 chocolates, popcorn & ricecake snacks & vegetables :)
I tried the new creamy biscuit chocolate and MY GOSH, super delicious. I managed to eat 75% of the package & 25% of the other chocolate. & ofcourse 80% of the rice cake crisps and half of the popcorn ;) ;) No stopping me!!!
Have you ever tried the combination chocolate and popcorn? It is sooo good. Try it. Its one of my favourite combinations :) :)
I watched the film The other woman with my sister... and all i can say is that Its a cheesey Rom Com. Laughed a few times, but i would give it a 4/10... maybe even just a 3/10. It was a good way to pass the time, but its not a film i would necessarily watch again ;);)
Iate so much that i now have a food coma (surprisingly, no food baby? O_O Where is it?!!) and just want to lie down, but at the same time i have so much energy that i want to run 10km!!! hahaah #problems
Sugar kick ;);)
Write up your workout plan and exercises on your phone or on paper so you know what you are going to do.
I always have a plan before I go to the gym, otherwise I'll just buzz around in the gym and do 2 sets on one machine then stand there and try tO figure out what my next exercise will be etc
If you don't have time to make a plan before hand. Then step on the treadmill or sit on the bike and think out a plan. Then you can feel more confident.
Don't let your ego get in the way, ask for help if you need it!!
Create a good workout playlist! If you have good music it will motivate you even more and get you pushing that bit harder!!!
Depending on what your goal is between 8-15 reps and anywhere from 3-12 sets. (I can do up to 10 sets on one exercise sometimes.)
The amount of exercises i do depends.... sometimes 4 exercise sometimes 12.
Egg & banana pancake (can add in cottage cheese&berries/cinnamon/stevia etc to the mixture!)
Banana ice cream:
Banana and peanut butter/dipped in chocolate
Banana chocolate popsicle!
Grilled banana boats
Bananan smoothie or milkshake
Now ive just made myself feel sad... hahah!!! I can eat a little banana, its just then that i need to take the consequences... but maybe its worth it? A grilled banana with chocolate sounds yummy right now!!! :)