Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Sooo tired & last day in school

This morning when the alarm rang, at first i had no idea what was going on.... Almost like i had forgotten what it was like to wake up to an alarm after only 2 days. But also having to wake up at 6am.... i was VERY tempted to skip my first lesson just to sleep a little while longer. Also the fact that i have a long break after my first lesson makes it feel very unworthwhile... BUT... I dont want to be one of those people     and everyone has days when its harder to get up in the morning. But its just to put on the light, drag yourself out of bed and drink a coffee/lemon water and eat something delicious.

^^No actually i eat breakfast before i drink coffee :)

Only a few lessons today which feels good and hopefully a trip to the gym - all depending on whats going on in school. (I go during a VERY long break i have today).
   I have no plans for this evening, no plans for the weekend (Or well... apart from this big test im doing tomorrow. Sort of similar to the SATs i guess - i havent prepared myself for it at all... so ill just see how it goes). And i have no plans for my break either... though im sure i will try to do something. But otherwise it will be alot of sleeping, lying at home, wathcing series, baking, studying and working out..... Pretty much my life in general but now i dont have to spend 6-8 hours in school during the days!

Time however seems to just have flown by this morning because well... i need to go in 5 minutes and i dont even know what ive done with my time this morning because i am far from ready, hahaah!

Pictures from my day

No school today so that meant catching up on sleep, series, rest and also finishing my last essay!! That relief when i sent it in... and yes, more than 24 hours before the deadline ;)Ambitious or what? hahah
   I almost always send my essays in before the deadline, i just want to get it out of the way. My friends all mock me for doing it... they sit and write their essays right up until 11.58pm whilst i like to send it in in the morning or the evening before. Thats just how i am ;) And it feels better knowing that all my assignments, essays and tests for this week, and what i have been stressing over for the past few weeks are all done. There is nothing more i can do.
  Am i happy with how i have done? Well the perfectionist in me tells me that it wasnt good enough and that i could have done more... but thats just how i am. I always feel that my work isnt good enough. But whats done is done, now its just to wait a few weeks until i get my grade!!
Tomorrow is my last day in school and i also need to dress up - a picture of how im planning to dress up is posted below...Please guess and let me know who you think i am.... I am hoping its obvious, but my mum couldnt even guess so im not so sure :(:(
  And to those of you who suggested Alice in Wonderland its a great suggestion, but that was what i was last year ;) haha so needed to opt for something different this year!!

I am also wondering Is anybody having difficulty commenting on my blog or reading my blog? Please let me know if you are!!! There seems to be some people having problems with both, but im not really sure what the problem is :(:(
  So if you are having problems please email me :)

Below are some photos from today :)

 ^^ How it looks when i eat lunch in my room :)

^^It was only 3 rows left... they went down quickly :)

^^If you can tell who i am dressed as - please comment!!! :)

Simple dinner

When im tired and feeling lazy but also super hungry then this is the type of dinner i make:

Quorn burgers, halloumi (Im not a cheese lover but i LOVE halloumi!), salad, sweet corn, brocolli (because i love it - can never eat too much of it!) and cottage cheese :)

Simple and sooo delicious :) Both me and my sister ate this (hence the double portion!)

Whats your favourite simple dinner? :)

Why you shouldnt exercise while in recovery

All text below is taken from HERE


Do you prefer to stand when doing things that most people do while sitting? Do you try to avoid sitting? Do you fidget? Do others comment that you always seem to be on the go? If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, then these behaviors are non-exercise activity issues within the context of a restrictive eating disorder.
I am usually told in no uncertain terms by many with restrictive eating disorders that they are not exercising to try to limit any weight gain. They assure me, and everyone else, that it has nothing to do with body image or food intake at all. They are merely exercising because they love it; it makes them feel strong and healthy; and it improves their mood.
Studies unfortunately suggest that you are desperately trying to believe your own advertising when you swear that the exercise you do is all good.
In another study, best predictors for identifying exercisers who also had an eating disorder were if they agreed with the following statements:
  • being annoyed if exercise interrupted
  • others feel you exercise a lot
  • feeling bad if unable to exercise a certain amount
  • feeling that you have/had problems with exercise.
 [C Boyd et al., 2006]
Ironically, high levels of depression were more likely with both AN and BN patients who exercised excessively, and levels of anxiety and somatization were particularly high but only with excessively exercising anorexics [E Peñas-Liedó et al., 2002]. The irony of those data is that exercise for non-eating disordered patients tends to ease depression and not exacerbate it.
A community-based study in Australia had the following outcome:
Exercising to improve appearance or body tone, and feelings of guilt following the postponement of exercise, were the exercise variables most strongly associated with elevated levels of eating disorder psychopathology and, in turn, reduced quality of life.”
[JM Mond et al., 2004]
Yet another comparative evaluation of how eating disordered patients engage in exercise when compared to healthy controls:
The anorexic group were significantly more hyperactive, exercised more frequently and engaged in a wider variety of exercise behaviours. They were also more likely to exercise in secret and were more compulsive about exercising. They displayed a ‘negative addiction’ to exercise, and gave control of their negative mood states as their major reason for undertaking it.”
[CG Long et al., 1993]
You may find the Exercise for Restriction Quiz worth revisiting. I will address a bit later on in this post the ways in which you can help yourself stop being an apologist for exertion and start becoming an advocate for your own health and recovery.

Those with restrictive eating disorders are most likely to die of either cardiac complication or suicide [M Misra et al., 2004; AH Crisp et al., 1994].
Exertion (exercise and/or moderate to intense activity) both during an active period of restriction and during the recovery effort, are dangerous and possibly life threatening. Also keep in mind that active restriction does include cycles of restriction/reactive eating, bulimia, orthorexia and not just anorexia.
The heart’s ability to function normally is hit hard on three fronts with restrictive behaviors: physical damage to the muscle, electrolytic imbalances and de-myelination of the nerves.

You can also feel fairly confident that if it has crossed your mind that you are somehow not sick enough to need to rest and restore energy in your body then you already know that you are indeed “sick enough”. The term “sick enough” is only a concept that pops up for those with restrictive eating disorders.


Many ask me if they cannot just increase their food intake to somehow make up the difference of the expenditure associated with their exercise.
Our bodies do not work mechanistically. A better analogy is that a body has adaptive and quite sophisticated triage rules. Triage is a system used in emergency environments to try to maximize the number of survivors. The body also tries to maximize its ability to survive by prioritizing biological functions in times of energy depletion and deficit.
If an energy deficit exists in the body thanks to a period of restrictive eating or under eating relative to excessive energy expenditure, then replenishing the energy of daily exertion on top of the basal metabolic requirements (which are suppressed*) will take precedence over replenishing the overall energy deficit throughout all the cells in your body.
*Metabolic rate is suppressed when the body does not have enough energy (food) coming in to support all the biological functions in your body. The metabolism is not broken and is in fact performing its life-saving ability until such time as you are energy balanced when you reach remission.
Basically your body is saying to itself: “Well if she’s going to drag me out for a run every morning then there’s no way I’m going to be trying to figure out how to reverse bone mineral density loss, or repair the heart muscle and I’ll keep the biological functions suppressed so that there’s enough energy to handle the godforsaken run along with staying alive until tomorrow.”
I have mentioned in other posts how glucocorticoids (cortisol) impact how your body uses the energy you take in. Stress varies both the levels and pulse rates of glucocorticoids such that your body will preferentially move energy into storage while continuing to suppress biological functions. Exertion and activity are huge stressors for an energy-depleted body.
Even if you could eat enough to truly support regular exercise, on top of the energy needed to stay alive and the energy needed to restore weight and repair damage, the body is stressed by the exertion to the point where you are going to tread water and fail to reach a full remission.


Stopping exercise sessions with nothing but yourself and your thoughts to keep you company will inevitably make you want to crawl out of your skin in short order. Researchers in the exercise dependence field recommend replacing the exertion with other non-exertion-based activities and distracting yourself from the times in the day when you are likely to want to indulge in exertion-based activities [K Linder, M Blaydon, 2007].
The first thing I always suggest as a great replacement is sleep. That would of course be second in line to the best of all replacements: food! If you happen to be an early morning exerciser, then simply sleep in.
For some, the usual morning wakeup is needed and provides some grounding. In that case, still set the alarm, but do 30 minutes of slow yoga stretching, or mindfulness exercises, breathing exercises, or just sitting quietly in the kitchen with a nice mug of something hot (and ideally full of calories too).
Distraction can help alleviate the negative mood, irritability and anxiety that you feel because you are not exercising. Have family breakfasts. Set up a mid-morning get together with a friend for a coffee and a muffin. Have a strategy for busyness at the times when you are most likely to want to exercise.
Enroll in activities (non-exertion) that you may have had some interest in in the past. Crafts, languages, learning new software packages: flip through what's on offer at a local community center to get inspired.
Getting out in the nature is mentally valuable. In fact there is now a whole sub-section of study on green activity. There are three kinds of green activities: appreciative, consumptive and motorized. Not surprisingly appreciative green activities improve environmental behaviors [MA Tarrant, GT Green, 1999].
Access to a garden or a green area a short distance from home is associated with less stress [TS Nielsen, B Hansen, 2007]. All green spaces improve mood, with the greatest self-esteem improvements realized for those who are mentally ill. Water in the green space generated greater positive effects in both self-esteem and improved mood, and mood improved within 5 minutes of being outside [J Barton, J Pretty, 2010].

How slowly can you go around the block? Make that your task. See if you can get it to 15-20 minutes for one block. Take in absolutely everything in your surroundings. Note every change. Bring a camera and take a picture of the same view each day so you can then compare after your walk whether you actually missed a detail from one day to the next or not.

^^I think whats written above (even if its alot) is great advice. However from the whole article the perception which i get from the author is that exercising is bad and not something you should return to after having an eating disorder. Which i think is wrong... According to the author (what i presume anyway) is that she would tell me i began exercising too early and that the only reason i like exercising is because i have had a past ED and using my 'i have had an active lifestyle while growing up' as an excuse to why i like exercising?
  Which is just wrong... I have learnt from my mistakes when it comes to exercise. I have over exercised and burnt out... but now i know better. Now i can listen to my body.
And i am definitely not someone to tell you that you cant exercise after having an eating disorder because thats not true. Of course you can... but you also need to find balance and not just exercise to compensate, to change your body or to burn calories. But to have a healthy reason. To enjoy exercising.... and if those cases are true and you are a healthy weight. Then go for it... enjoy exercise :) 
The problem with exercise is when it becomes an obsession and addiction... which usually only the person who is struggling can know.
^^^But read above why you SHOULDNT exercise while in recovery and trying to gain weight... even if you are suffering from bulimia or binge eating. Then too mcuh exercise isnt good for you either. It stresses the body too much.

Its not until its too late that you will miss what you had

This morning i was reading this post: What the dying really regret about dying patients, and people who had cancer and the thing they missed most was their body. They regreted all the years they were displeased with their body or took their body for granted.
  But now it was too late... they cant go back to their old bodies. Spend hours dancing like they used to or have energy to go walking or other things they used to do.
So many people hate their bodies, want to change every little detail about their body... just focusing on the outside but forgetting the real reason we have a body. So that we can live... so that we can move.
  If we were meant to have thigh gaps, super flat stomachs and tiny arms... then that is what everybody would have. And everyone would be healthy looking that way.. but that is not how we are built. Humans are built to have bones, muscles, skin and fat. They all serve a purpose. We are supposed to move our body, have energy to go running - go hunting in forests. Our muscles help us lift heavy things, carry things, not be weak. Our bones are supposed to be strong to keep us standing tall and to keep us from breaking. Our skin covers our body to keep all our organs inside and fat is our protection and heat system. Fat is an essential part of our body.
  Just like the food we eat - carbs to give us energy, protein to keep us strong and healthy fats to give our brain and cells eneergy and to keep everything functioning in the body.
  Even our metabolism plays a very important role... it speeds up when you are more active or eat more... it uses more energy and makes you more hungry so that you eat enough when you are active. I.e the hunger and fullness feelings,. But also, when the body knows that it isnt getting enough energy... it goes into starvation mode. It wants to keep the body alive so some processes in the body are stopped or slowed down... they are seen as unnecessary energy expenditures. Thats why your hair becomes thing, you become cold and your hands and feet can turn blue/purple and be cold all the time... the circulation to your feet and hands slow down. And your hair, nails, teeth and bones arent getting the calcium, nutrients or energy to grow properly.
  When you are in starvation mode your body holds onto food and fat... keeping your protected. As well as making you more tired because 1)you arent getting the proper energy but also 2) your body doesnt want you to move as much. It wants you to just rest and not use so much energy when it knows that you arent getting the right energy to sustain your movement.

Your body is smart, SO MANY processes and different things are happening in your body every second... millions of things happening every second. And they all happen to KEEP YOU ALIVE. Think, when you get a virus your immune system fights to keep you healthy. It makes you tired and weak so that you can just rest and your body can fight the virus.
  Everything is in tune, working like a clock, everything has a role to play.

But what do you do? Well... you let your mind trick you and all you see is the outside. Your appearance. Not even caring about your insides... about your organs or your inner health. All you focus on is that your thighs are too big or you have fat on your arms or your hips? But in the end.... WHO CARES. Seriously... what does that matter?
  When you are dead, when you are in a grave... then you can be skin and bones. But WHY are you wasting your life trying to look like a skeleton? Scared of food... scared of fat on your body? Everyone has fat on their bodies, everyone needs fat on their bodies.

Stop focusing so much on your appearance or your goal body. Forget about those. Instead focus on inner health, on inner balance and peace. Focus on mental health....Why waste your life hating your body because one day you will end up without a body anyway.
  Why not use your body the way its meant to be used.... move your body (i.e when you are a healthy enough weight to do it!), laugh, eat delicious food (yes, your body can cope and handle all types of food!), hug people, smile, be nice to other people, rest and sleep, drink lots of water... find balance and peace.

There is more to life than your appearance. Of course being happy in your body is also important... liking the way you look. But health... innner health and mental health are so much more important than whether you have a flat stomach or not.
  If you dont like the way you look then change your thoughts instead of your body... happines wont come from losing 3kg or losing 10kg. Instead you need to work on your thoughts, on loving your body.
Change your thoughts not your body (my previous post)

Change your thoughts instead of your body

How and what you feel about yourself should not be dictated by your weight, or the way you look. You should wake up, and feel happy (most of the time.) Ready for a new day. Not wake up, weigh yourself and suddenly hate yourself and your life because the scale doesnt say what you want it to say.
   If you dont like what you see in the mirror, then instead of trying to constantly change your body... work on your head. On your thoughts. Instead of telling yourself that you're ugly. Tell yourself that you are beautiful. That you are allowed to eat. You are allowed to feel happy. You are allowed to live life, and enjoy yourself.
  Your body, your weight, your appearance should not be the main focus of your life. There is so much more than that.

Trust your body

When it comes to eating disorders, trust is a big issue in our bodies. We never know what’s real vs. what’s not. 
Am I really hungry? Or am I feeling a difficult emotion?
Is this really what I look like? Because everyone is telling me it’s not.
And the list goes on…
When we restrict- our bodies lose their trust for us. So the next time we go to eat, we end up bingeing. Our bodies don’t trust they’ll ever be fed again so they’re going to try to stock up. We then, in turn, lose trust for our bodies because they’ve taken over control and done something we feel guilty about. It turns into this never-ending cycle. And we’re the ones that have to break it.

This is just one example… I’m sure you can all think of more specific things in your own relationship with your body that could be used as an example as well.

My day!

Its funny how even on my day off from school i end up coming home after 4pm.... Though its not that late so im not complaining at all.
    The only thing which i had in school today was a meeting with my mentor to talk about how its going in school, grades etc And just like every year there wasnt much to say. So it only lasted around 15 minutes where half of the time was spent just reading the teachers comments.
   I had planned to sit in school and study but the internet wasnt working there so instead i went to the store and bought lunch and headed to the library where i then sat for 2 hours working through a few stuff, answering a few emails etc
  Its the small things such as sitting in a library with lunch or walking and listening to good music which i love!! Small things that make my day so much better!
  Im now also hoping to send in my 2 big essays this evening so that tomorrow i can just be free... not have to think or worry about school for a day!!!

^^Lunch, my favourite combination: Salad, falafels, cottage cheese, sundried tomatoes, avocado & chicken. Heaven in a bowl!

Now its time to just relax and watch some series :)

P.S if anyone is having trouble commenting on my blog could you email me? Just to let me know as ive heard that there is some trouble when trying to comment on my blog.



How would i define or describe depression. Well first off, to truly understand depression and what it feels like you have to experience it yourself.

Depression is like having a rain cloud over your head. Its always over you, a constant rain. No matter where you go it follows with you... making everything a little blurry, trapping you in the rain, not able to break free. Over time the rain turns into hail stones, beating you down. And eventually it becomes a storm, thunder and lightning. You cant run or hide from the storm, its there ontop of you. You lie in bed, cover your head with the duvet and close your eyes. Trying to escape the pain you are in.... this pain you cant describe... you can feel it, but its not really there. You cant put a bandage on it or take a painkiller. Its like this noise that really goes away, even if it dies down its still there. However, nobody else sees the cloud/storm ontop of you. They just see you..... somedays you manage to smile, you manage to be like everyone else. But from the inside, you look at everyone else... you see them smiling and laughing and wondering why you cant do that either? Why is it so hard for you to smile... to just laugh and let go of all your worries.
   You are trapped and isolated from the world. You are covered in your storm and nobody notices.You feel like you are drowing or suffocating, cant quite get enough air. Just barely surviving.
Soon the storm ontop of you, the isolation, the fear, the lonliness... it all becomes too much. The self harm - if you have started with that - doesnt work anymore. Self harm just leaves you feeling more numb, it doesnt take away the pain. You have this inner suffering, but all the while nobody notices. They dont know whats going on in the inside.

Depression, its a silent illness. An illness that kills many people each year. And often, people dont realise someone has depression until its too late.
   There is such a stigma around mental illnesses, especially depression. People think its as easy as just snapping out of it when it comes to depression. And granted, by changing your thoughts, thinking more positvely you are one step closer to being happier and healthier again. I definitely dont think you need anti-depressants. i have never once taken them and i have recovered and gotten better from my numerous depressions.
  But at the same time depression doesnt go away over a night... one day you might feel amazing but suddenly you are back to feeling lonely, scared, depressed again.

The most important thing when it comes to depression is to reach out for help.... Dont suffer in silence. You already feel so lonely and isolated, but if you were to reach out for help then you wouldnt feel so lonely. Dont get angry when you tell someone how you feel and they say they understand even if they dont really. The person is just trying to help..... sometimes all you need is someone to hug you, tell you that they are there for you. You need a hand to hold, or someone to talk to.
  Reaching out for help can be the hardest thing to do, but that is what needs to be done.

I have been depressed numerous times and have had many dark thoughts and done alot of stupid things. Things which i have never talked about or written about. Memories which i want to surpress.

I have always had a problem reaching out for help which is a problem of mine. There was only one time when i was at the hotel part of Mando and i had had an awful day and i felt so bad. I was planning on killing myself that night but i ended up calling my sister and just hyperventilating on the phone and then hanging up. She got so worried that she called my mum and my mum called the staff at Mando and they came to me and made me and took away the knife i was holding and just made me sit with them. I was completely numb at that point i was completely spaced out from the anxiety i felt.
  That night is on my top 5 list of worst nights in my life. The next day i had to have a meeting with the doctor and staff to sign a contract saying that i wouldnt self harm or try to kill myself while under their care. If i did, then i wouldnt be allowed their treatment anymore. I had to sign that contract twice....
 I dont really know what that contract was for because really... if someone is so depressed and sick that they try to take their own life then i dont think they really care so much about whether they get to go to a treatment centre or not. I was eventually told by that doctor that i was too sick to help. That either i would end up killing myself from my depression or that i would die from my eating disorder. They told me i had been at their clinic for too long and they didnt think they could help me.... Nice to tell a 15 year old that she would most probably die and they didnt want that risk on their hands. Instead of helping me they just wanted to send me to a psychiatric hospital or another ED clinc. They wanted to get rid of the problem. Not solve the problem.

I always get super angry at the way that doctor treated me. My mum had ALOT of arguements with him because he was so rude and awful towards me. Telling me right to my face that i couldnt be helped and that i would most probably die. Making me sign a contract saying i wouldnt kill myself all the while i was thinking, the next time i get a chance i am going to jump off a bridge.

(I can tell you that the day i was declared healthy - by that same doctor, i just wanted to say F**k you to him. I proved him - and all the staff at Mando wrong. Them telling me i was a hopeless case... they looked down on me. There were only a few people who truly believed in me and they were such wonderful people at Mando. They dont work there anymore though, but i wish i could just send them a huge thank you because their support was what helped me.)

But back to depression....There is a stigma around depression. People who have it are seen as less worth or weird. Its not something you should talk about.
  But i think that is the absaloute opposite. Infact i think you SHOULD talk about depression. Talk about eating disorders and all other mental illnesses. Not just shove them under the carpet, hope they go away.
   There is an increase in suicide due to depression and eating disorders and if that doesnt show how big of a problem it actually is, then i dont know what does.

Depression is a lonely dark place... its tough to get better. Depression is in your head, a mental battle, a storm over your head. But having support is the number one thing. Someone you can talk to.
  Know that you ARENT alone. There is ALWAYS some one there. Even I am here for YOU. I know what you are going through and i can try helping as best i can. But its also important to have someone you can see, someone who you can call or talk to be by your side.

Try to get outside everyday, do something. Not just isolate yourself from the world.

It can get better, i promise.

Morning update

Good morning :)
  I am sorry for the late update this morning.... or its late for me anyway, usually my first post comes up around 6/7am but now its almost 10am ;);) Thats how it goes when im busy and dont have time to *write posts or schedule posts :)

As i have no school today apart from a parent-teacher meeting (i decided to not let my mum join the meeting this year ;) as there is no point really) i started my day with a walk!! Its getting colder but its just to wrap up warm and it always feels that extra bit better to come home, take a shower and drink a cup of coffee when you come home again!!
 In the middle of my walk i decided to stop and have a little photoshoot which lasted c.a 10 miuntes... hard to take photos of yourself when you are on your own!!

Just after eating breakfast which was oatmeal, apple, cottage cheese, a questbar and celsius :)

As i am home today and you all seem to want to see my lunches and dinners i will try photo my lunch - unless i just make a really simple lazy one ;)

This morning i read an article: 10 things that people who love their lives are doing differently its worth a read if you have nothing better to do :)

Dinner followed by dessert

The bloating and stomach pain has contined onto today, leaving me with an uncomfortable and tight feeling in my stomach. However that hasnt stopped me eating or drinking or just being myself ;) Putting on a comfy cardigan makes everything better :)

As it was my dads last night here in Sweden we (my dad, sister and I) all decided to go out to eat. We decided on a thai place which had lots of different decorations and lights and the seating was in these small cabins. If it wasnt so dark i would have loved to take photos of it all...Not the best lighting for photos. But i tried my best anyway!

I got chicken and cashews in a soy and garlic sauce (which was too die for. The sauce was soo good i almost wanted to ask for the recipe :)) and there was a big portion of rice which my dad and I shared.
 And luckily i still had room for more because the dcsserts sounded heavenly. However 80% of them contained banana which sucked. :(
  My sister and i shared a coconut, mango cheesecake with ice cream and cream and it took about 3 minutes to finish it all it was so good (i should have ordered one for myself  ;) Could have eaten a whole one and a half then (as my sister only wanted half a dessert)).
  We continued sitting for a while, talking about lots of different things and having a lovely evening!!! It was the perfect evening with good food and lots of talking!!
   I dont know when i will see him again :( So its kind of sad... though hopefully it wont be too far away.

I have had a lovely evening and now its time to jump into my pyjamas, read some blogs, have a chance to be on the internet for the first time today (10pm) :)
   I hope you have all had a lovely day ! (Ohh and if you could look at my previous post and answer the question about halloween ideas it would be great :):) )