Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Strange study day and 3 meals from today

Hello and good evening everyone :)

Today has been a rather strange day for me... Not that strange or weird things have happened, but that i have felt rather strange today. A little bit out of it and nothing has gone as planned or thought out and my routines and habits have been completely off today, which always makes me feel a little strange.

It started off by sleeping past my alarm and waking up alot later than planned. And usually i am out the door and on my way to school or the gym within 60 minutes of waking up, or 90-120 minutes if i blog in the morning. Today however i ended up getting stuck infront of the computer and had different things to do at home so didnt leave the house until almost 3 hours after waking up which is STRANGE for me. I have usually left the house within 2 hours of waking up, if it isnt that i am sick.

However i packed with me lunch and headed to school and ate my lunch there and did some studying on my own while i waited for my friends to join me. Usually i workout before school  though as we had planned a certain time to study together and i had woken up so late and done other things in the morning i thought i would work out after school. Though as the hours passed by i felt myself getting very tired and got an awful headache as well as getting low blood sugar/hangry, so instead i headed home and made myself a quick 5 minute snack before having to lie down and rest and let the headache pass.

And then it was just to shower an make dinner which i am now going to eat! This day has just flown by and ive felt very strange, also the fact that i never (or rarely) get headaches but i think it might be due to some neck pain/strain. This evening i plan to continue just lying in bed and watching documentaries and tomorrow the plan is to just sit and study at home and try to focus, because when i study with friends its usually just 50% study and 50% sit and talk about other things and begin planning different upcoming events and such, haha, so not the most productive. But atleast its fun to meet friends and be social and get some type of studying done nonetheless!

(Dinner, pretty much the same as lunch! Just eating leftovers for dinner usually.)

How has your day been? Have you eaten anything yummy today? :)

Enjoying food again

Hey Izzy! I've really appreciated all of your uplifting posts lately, they're very encouraging as I'm in a tough stage of recovery and trying to motivate myself to push through. I have a quick question. When did you start to actually enjoy eating again? It seems you really enjoy cooking and eating now, was it like that throughout your recovery or did it come later? I have made a lot of progress in terms of eating enough calories, spacing my meals throughout the day, eating a wide variety of foods, and eating all my "challenge" foods (had some Mac and cheese yesterday!). But I still find little pleasure in eating. Instead, I view it as a chore that I just have to do to be healthy. So, do you have any tips on how to make eating pleasureable again? What worked for you? Thanks

Hello, first off you have made amazing progress which you should be very proud of :) And even if you may still be struggling you have come a long way, and you can get through this as well.

Food is something i love and it does make me happy, however its not always like that. Sometimes i get bored of eating, especially if i just have the same foods at home. And at times cooking and eating just seem like a "get it over with" and then i rely on meal prep so that i have food ready to just eat. For the majority of the time food does make me happy - i like finding new foods, new recipes, new flavours, new combinations. I love eating and knowing i am nourishing my body but also love eating chocolate and cake and dessert because that is delicious as well. It has definitely not always been this way though.

In recovery i ate because i had to, because it was on my meal plan. And i longed for the day when i knew i didnt have to eat according to a meal plan or thought i could eat less calories. I also found it very strange to think that people just sat down and ate when they were hungry - as i still didnt have any hunger feelings, i was just constantly full and never really wanted to eat. I did enjoy food, but not in the same way i enjoy it now. Ii enjoyed food in a sort of obsessed way where food was numbers and i enjoyed feeding others as well, but i didnt enjoy food that was high fat or high carb... i enjoyed food only if it was low calorie or if i knew what was in it. There was still alot of fear and anxiety involved with food.

Then later on when i had faced fear foods, ate balanced and intuitively i enjoyed food alot and loved eating. It was part of my life, not my whole life... just like it is now as well. However i feel like i enjoy food more now when im vegan because there are more flavours, more vegetables, more colours, more creativity. I get inspired by different accounts online and i love finding the new vegan products that are being sold. Of course with that said, food is something i enjoy alot... i enjoy buying food, i enjoy making food (somedays), and i enjoy eating food (mostly), but food is still just part of my life and only 5-10% of my day is spent eating or making or thinking about food.

What are my tips on enjoying food?

Its easier to enjoy food when you are actually hungry, but if you have a meal plan to follow then stick with that.

Eating with other people is a good way to make food more enjoyable again. Or maybe go to restaurants or cafes and try food there, try somthing new and different. Go to a dessert cafe and order 3 or 4 different cakes and try them all, just for the sake of it? 

Go to the food store and try something you wouldnt think of trying? Or maybe have a food theme for the week. Maybe one week eat lots of thai food, another week make indien food, the next week try chinese food etc 

Add oil, butter, cream... it can make a whole lot of difference in taste wise. For example, potatoes in the oven with no oil or salt are ok... but once you add oil and seasoning its like a whole new thing! 

Add seasoning and flavourings to your food.

Try plant based food... it often gets you to be more creative and when food looks good or smells good it can often taste better.

Try to not see food as a chore or something you need to just get over with. Its easy then to begin skipping meals or just not eating as you dont see the point of it. 

Its hard to give tips on how to make food enjoyable again or how to enjoy food, as its a mental thing. But its also so easy for food to become an obsession and that isnt good either. But trying varying food, new foods, eating with others.. Maybe eat 3 big meals instead of 6 small (for example?), or try making smoothies or oat cookies instead of oatmeal, or make mashed potatoes instead of boiled potatoes. Maybe meal prep so that you have food ready? Vary food... or maybe just eat your all time favourite foods for a while?

Of course sometimes food is just boring and a chore, i think it happens to most people where they just eat because they have to. But it shouldnt be that way forever, food is something that is delicious and should be enjoyed. A balance with food, i.e it shouldnt control or take over your life where food is your only happiness in life, but it shouldnt be a "force feed/chore" thing either. 

If anyone else has any tips/advice please comment below. All i know is that when i went through a phase where food was boring i just kept eating and eventually when life felt more balanced, when i was less stressed and when i felt happier, food also became more delicious again. So if you are depressed or stressed or just unbalanced then that can affect eating as well.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Life, recent thoughts and gratitude

Hello and good evening everyone :)

First off i think its super fun that so many of you commented on the previous post and left a message about what motivates YOU in recovery. More of that on my blog, as i know it inspires others and i get messages from people saying that even if they dont comment on my blog they read those types of comments from others and get inspired!! So if you ever want to share a recovery success or progress know that you can always comment on here and share it as it makes me so happy to read about your success and it is a motivation for others :)

Onto my day.....  A rather long, slow day with a whole lot of head ache but i got through my hours of studying in school despite lacking study and school motivation recently. At the moment i just want my exam to be over on Friday so i can move on and start with my new course. A little tired of reading the same thing over and over right now.

Apart from studying and school, today has been a day filled with gratitude. I think most people forget to be grateful or thankful in their daily lives, at times life just feels awful and there is nothing to be thankful about. But over the past year i have learnt to be more grateful about my life and where i am in life and all the possibilities and opportunities i have in life. Each night before i go to sleep i say a little thank you for everything in my life - to go to bed feeling happy and thankful is a wonderful thing and to see all the positives in my life.

Today i have been extra thankful though, because while i was at the gym this morning i felt rather tired and heavy so kept my workout very basic and simple and kept my workout short as i didnt have the energy for anything else. When i thought about it in afterhand i felt so happy over the fact that exercise is something fun for me, it is something that gives me peace and energy and enjoyment. Even though i ate roughly 4dl flour and 1dl oil yesterday before bed (i made home made "fried bread" which i then topped with vegan cheese and butter) my workout was not decided or based on what i ate the day before. My workout is done because it is something fun and something i want to do, not because i go there to compensate or workout because of guilt. Of course it has been several years since i last worked out due to guilt or compensation, but its so easy to forget (thankfully) how i once worked out due to guilt and anxiety. How i forced myself to workout to burn calories and run until i would fall or faint. That is not a part of my life anymore, but its easy to forget that unfortunatly that is part of many peoples lives... working out because of guilt or workouts based on what they ate previously. Sometimes i dont give myself enough praise for the fact that i got out of that negative bubble and sometimes i forget just how hard it was to break free... but all i can say is that its not impossible to break free. You can recover from an exercise addiction... and today i was so thankful that i have!

And secondly, i have felt thankful over the fact that i can afford food. It makes me so sad to see all the beggers on the streets and i wish i could give them money and at times i have, or i will buy them food and give to them (Nothing i share online as i dont feel that i need to. Its something kind i can do but it doesnt have to be shared online.) This morning my fridge and cabinets were rather empty so after school i went to the store and bought all the food i neeeded and wanted, and that is a privilige which is easy to forget. Its easy to forget to be thankful over the fact that i have money - even if it is thanks to a student loan - i have the economy to buy lots of delicious food, to pay for my rent and to live life and have a rather comfortable life. Of course i dont spend alot of money on things and am not so materialistic so that helps to keep a budget!

When i came home and started unpacking my groceries and began meal prepping i said a little mental "thank you" and felt gratitude for the fact that i have food and that i can eat and eat so much nourishing food - because that is another privilige in a way. I live in a country where vegan food is rather cheap and easy access to which of course makes it easy for me to be vegan, but i know that might not be the case for everyone.

Today i hope that you also feel grateful and thankful for things in your life. Even if life isnt always easy or perfect, sometimes you just need to say thank you anyway. To see the positives and the good things in your life. It is a much better life in my opinion if you can be happy, positive and thankful!!

What made me want to recover? Going to a therapist?

Did you talk to any therapists while recovering? What do you think was the biggest thing that made you realised that you want to be healthy?

Yes, over the course of 2 years when i went to different treatment centres i have talked to 4 different therapists, and they all said the same thing "they cant help me", or "come back when im ready to talk." I didnt like any of the therapists i met, however that might have been because i didnt want help, i didnt talk or say anything. I would sit and wait for the time to be up. The only things i ever really said was "i am not sick" or "i dont need help"... and maybe some other things, but very little was said and i didnt open up or accept the help, so of course a therapist couldnt help me. I do personally recommend therapy to others as i believe it works well, but it only works if you open up and talk and recieve help. I never wanted advice or help or to talk - but i am pretty sure it would have done me good. But instead i stuck to blogging to express my thoughts and emotions and that also worked well :)

One of my biggest motivators to become healthy was my sister. I wanted to live a life like her... to be in school, to have friends, to have a boyfriend, to workout... to eat what i was hungry and stop when i was full, to be happy and live life. Of course that doesnt mean that my sister has had an easy life, infact me being sick has effected her in so many ways and it wasnt easy for her. But i always say her life as easy and a life i wanted as well. 
I remember rather clearly (one of the few clear memories i have from my time at Mando - the rest is a blur ) sitting in the sofa in the day room after my 4th (?) time as an inpatient at Mando and i was so mentally and physically exhausted. My whole body ached, my mind was slow and tired and i sat there and just thought "How strange is it that all of us sitting here are here because we dont want to eat. Something that pretty much everyone else loves to do." (Of course, maybe not in that exact phrase!), but also i realised... for the past year i had just been in hospital because i didnt want to eat. I realised that i could sit in hospital, skinny and refusing to eat, or i could be out living life and having a heavier weight. I just thought to myself, I hate myself now and hate how i look now so what does it really matter. 

"Freedom" and "dont let the sadness of your past or the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present" are 2 of my 5 tattoos that mean so much to me and about my past!

My motivation to recover was to have a life.... to be a teenager, not spend even more time in hospital and wasting my life. I wanted freedom, i wanted to live life even if life scared me incredbly. I wanted to be "just like everyone else", because all my life i had always been the "sick one" and i didnt want that anymore. 

Of course motivation to actually recover wavered up and down and living life wasnt always a motivation... but it was just to take each day as it came and try to focus on the positives of recovery and how my life was getting better and all the things i could do as i got healthier. Somedays all i did was survive, otherdays i lived. I did also relapse during 2012 - when my recovery motivation just wasnt strong enough - but eventually i found my strength and motivation again and kept fighting! 

For me, life and reaching my goals and dreams has always been my motivation to keep going. But also my dog... during the darkest of times, both during my eating disorder and last year with my depression, the only thing that kept me alive was my dog. I felt like i had given up on everything and nothing seemed worth it, but when i thought about leaving my dog and never seeing my dog again i felt like i couldnt do that, but also my blog has always been a motivation for me. Knowing i am helping people, and i remember during my relapse in 2012 (which i never wrote about back then) i just thought i cant let my readers down. I have to show im strong, i have to inspire others, and my blog helped me back on track again as well as having readers who called me out on my bullshit, hahaha. 

A long post, but i would love to know YOUR motivation for recovery? Is it life, family, friends, YOURSELF (the most important one!), school.... Share your motivation recovery to inspire others :)

Life changes you and your body continues to change

Sometimes i find it crazy to think how much i grow and change each year. Sometimes i look back at 2015 or 2016 and i feel like a different person. The changes made havent always been visible from the outisde, but they have been mental changes and stepping outside of my comfort zone and just becoming a stronger person physically and mentally. I am not saying that i was unhealthy or in some way i "bad" person my previous years, all i am saying is that i was healthiest and the best i could be with the knowledge and experience i had back then. And now in 2017, i am the healthiest and happinest i can be with my life situation and my experiences, but i am sure in 2020 i will look back on this year and who i am now and will see how much i have grown and changed.

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Life changes all the time, alll these different situations and expereinces you go through and  memories you create, they all change YOU. Its funny how in just a moment it can feel like your life is falling apart or it can feel like you change within a blink of an eye just from a certain experience. Or in some situations it feels like you mature 5 years just from having to deal with different things in life.

Life is about growing and changing and it is rather amazing. It is even more amazing when i speak to elderly people who are 70/80 years old and they talk about how they are still learning new information and growing in different ways. Life wont always be the same and life will change you in different ways. The person you are now or the way you think now might not always be the same.

One thing i also love is when people can admit to past mistakes, when people can learn and grow from them. People who think they never do any wrong or are never wrong or have never made mistakes can irritate me. Because of course mistakes are learning experiences and mistakes dont necessarily have to be bad... ive made mistakes in the past - said and done things i regret or shouldnt have - but i have also learnt from them and they have changed me, so the mistake wasnt necessarily a negative thing, but it was however a mistake. And there is nothing wrong with that... as long as you dont keep making the same mistake over and over.  I personally believe there is strength in people who can admit to making mistakes, or people who can admit to being wrong at times or just people who are willing to grow and change... not stay stuck in the same comfort zone or situation all life. But let yourself change with life!

It doesnt hurt to mention either that your body also changes throughout life. The way you look when you are 15 isnt necessarily the way you look when you are 21. The way you look when you are 25 isnt the way you will look when you are 35 etc etc Your body changes and thats ok as well. Learning to love your body is the most important, no matter how it changes - but always trying to aim for a healthy body and healthy mindset!

Change can be scary but its important to embrace it as well. And realise that you will change, your mindset about certain things might change, your behaviours, your life, your current situation isny your final situation!! Embrace change.

Spend some time today thinking about the ways you have changed over life - whether they are negative or positive changes, and maybe think about how you can change the negatives to better ones!!

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Monday, February 20, 2017

How to maintain a positive outlook on life

  1. Do not wait for good things to come to you, go out and find them! You make your life what it is. 
  2. Surround yourself with positive people. The people around you have a big impact on you. They impact who you are, how much money you will make, and what you value. They also impact how you think. If you surround yourself with negative people you will be negative as well. You can’t help it. Hearing negativity all day leads you to negativity. The opposite is also true. Surround yourself with positive people and you will be more positive.
  3. Read Positive and Inspiring Books. One of the best ways to maintain a positive attitude is by reading positive books. These books serve to encourage you, inspire you, and teach you. Reading requires that you sit still and focus, and by focusing on something positive it helps you to keep a positive mindset throughout the day.
  4. Your presence is a present to the world. You may not realize it but one way or another, someone feels so blessed with your existence. You are not a nobody!
  5. Very few things in life leverage your time as much as exercise.Obviously it makes a difference for your physical health, but it also has significant benefits to your mental health. Exercise is useful to combat depression and to improve overall positive mood. Further, if you exercise early in the morning it can set you up with a positive mindset and outlook on life.
  6. Remind yourself to take the days just one at a time. Rushing isn’t all beneficial.Take time to smell the flowers. Don’t over do yourself.Learn to appreciate life today, for tomorrow, you may not have the chance to do so.
  7. Count the good things that happen in your day, not the bad.You had a shower today even though you felt depressed! Congratulations! You’ve done well!
  8. Remind yourself to understand, have courage, be strong. Knowing that life is imperfect gives you enough space to expect it to be hard. You have to accept that life’s circumstance is not ALWAYS within our control and all you can do is accept, understand and to keep moving forward. How you live your life is your choice.
  9. Remind yourself that you’ll make it through whatever comes along.In times of affliction, it can be tough to see the lighter side. But do always remember, that all storms have endings, no one emotion is permanent. Just keep looking forward.
  10. Got a problem? Talk about it! Get it out!
  11. Spirituality is simply an option to consider. If you are spiritually connected, you will have a positive outlook on life. This might mean prayer, meditation or reading Scripture. Set aside time each day to be connected spiritually.
  12. Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize. As long as you’re alive, you have all the chance to achieve your goal. Don’t get discouraged by past failures. Keep striving. Remember, success comes from multiple failures. Those who win have finished the race.
  13. It’s never too late! Often times we resist change because we think that it’s too late for us to change. Remember that we all have countless chances in this life. You just have to accept change.
  14. Take some time and be thankful.Be thankful about what you have, who you are, and what your life is like. Think through all of the things that you can be thankful for. Even if you are in a tough time in life there are many things you have that you can be thankful for. You need to look for them and recognize them.
  15. Humor is the best medicine. Make laughter a part of your day. Laughter is known to be a mood elevator. When feeling low, read funny stories or go through a joke book. Allow yourself to open up. See the funny side of things and you will realise, life is a complex, yet funny game.
  16. One’s inner dialogue is one’s biggest strength and critic. Listen to your inner self and talk to it. Motivate yourself rather than getting motivated by others. It is the inner voice that makes us critical of ourselves. Rule your inner voice!