Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Diary Entry 2011 - dont give up

May 2011

Ive hit a wall.
huge, brick, stone wall. its all i can see. it caries on up, up, up. and all the way infront of my path.
I cant see past it.

Ive been strong to long, i cant carry on. this wall is stopping me. i cant go by it, all i can do is turn back.
All my good work, gone. all my hard work.

I just want to stand in a corner and cry.

I cant do this anymore. its all too much.

I want to turn back.

I dont want to gain any more wieght. i dont want to sit here and eat. i dont want to live my life anymore.
I cant get past this. things are too hard.

Ive done this for too long,ive been fighting too long. all my strength is gone. and suddely, in a split second. I give up.



Recovery isnt easy. Recovery is hard. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes strength. And it is easy to give up.... most of my time recoverying i just wanted to give up. I wanted to stop eating. To just let the anxiety control me. I wanted to stop the anxiety. I didnt want to eat. I didnt want to be strong... but i was. I was strong. Everyday.
  I fought, i didnt let the anxiety destroy me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to jump infront of a train. But i sat quiet, writing out my feelings and thoughts.
  Each day was hard... but in time i realised, i was getting stronger, the anxiety was fading. Eating wasnt as hard. 
  Even if somedays were harder than others.... and soemdays i thought i would never be healthy. I never let go of my motivation to become healthy. I kept stronger, even when it felt like i would break.


So remember that.
   Somedays are hard, but you cant give up just because of that. You have to be extra strong those days.You can recover.
  I believe in every single one of you who are struggling, with whatever illness it is you have. 
  Or even if you dont have any illness, i believe that you can achieve any dream/goal you set!!! :)

http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2012/09/believe-that-recovery-is-possible.html (post i wrote about (you've most probably read?) that recovery is possible!)

Morning energy!

Good morning :)
   I thought i had scheduled a post for this morning, but apparently not... so my first post is coming up now. A little later than usual!
 
Tuesdays are the day where i can sleep in as well as have time for other things, so im planning to go to the gym and then get to school an hour early so i can sit and work on some assignments as well as start working on my inbox which is piling up!!
  On the menu for breakfast this morning was a fruit salad, one of my new favourites in the morning :) So simple and quick to make and also delicious and lots of energy :)
  Recently i have been eating alot more than before... or it feels like it anyway, maybe i amnt really. But i feel happier, have more energy (Well, apart from right after school. But thats because by that point i havent eaten in a few hours) I dont feel as stressed. And also my body isnt as bloated either!! All of this because im eating more and eating more carbs!!! Dont be afraid of food, sometimes the answer to your problems is more food....
  and other times its less stress, more sleep, water, a friend etc etc... :)





depression

You are NOT alone. Know that there are people all around you willing to help you. You just have to reach out for help... it might not be the first person you talk to, or the 3rd person. But reach out for help, dont be scared.
   Dont suffer in silence.

Picture source X






The secret of getting ahead is getting started



Something which i dont think i will ever learn to adjust to is my Monday schedule... too many lessons, too tightly crammed together. Each Monday i start my day (hopefully) with positivity, think that this Monday will be different. This Monday i wont feel exhausted at the end of the day, come home, too tired and hangry to speak to my family, and have to lock myself in my room for an hour just to get some food in me and to turn my mind off for a while.
  But nope, its the same story each week. Monday is soo very tiring.

My perfect school day would be to start at around 10/11am and then finish at maybe 3/4pm.... What i love is having time in the morning to just do my own thing, then have a morning workout and come to school and its not super early. But an ok time and then i have a few lessons.
  Because the fact is, i dont mind coming home late at say 5/6pm, because really... i dont do anything after school on weekdays. It might be a different story if i had a boyfriend, but with friends... we all have a tough schedule, long days in school and many have after school activities. So we usually meet during weekends when school isnt too tough or throwing assignments at us. So coming home late, and starting a little later wouldnt be so bad :)
  Though thats just my opinion.  Whats your opinion with work or school? Would you prefer to start early and finish a little earlier or to start later but finish a little later? :)

When i came home i quickly made myself a snack, quark mixed with funlight & my muslie mix. 2 eggs & 5 chocolate covered brazil nuts (its been a while, but i still love them!) & my beloved coffee!!!

Sometimes i find it so hard to believe that it was actually me who was so scared of eating. That eating nuts, or chocolate covered nuts for a snack would be impossible to imagine, especially not after sitting for 6 hours straight (almost). But now i love food, ALL types of food. Infact if i could i would go out to eat at a restaurant everyday, i would go to cafes for sandiwches and smoothies etc but dont have the money for it... but i know that once i start earning my own money pretty much 50% of it will go towards food and eating out and then 45% will go towards training clothes ;) (of course.. all of this after i have paid my bills etc :))
   Remember CHANGE IS POSSIBLE!!! You just have to want it and work for it!! Dont just sit there and wish for change, or wish to be healthy and recovered. Its a change YOU have to make!






Bad day remedies


SOURCE: tourmalinetardis:
Everyone has those really rotten days, some more often than others. Whether you are feeling depressed, anxious, sick, or completely stressed out I want you to know that I’m here for you. These are a few things that I hope can help you feel better.
~ Relax and Unwind ~
~ Kindness ~
~ Laugh a Little ~
~ So Much Cuteness ~
~ Mmm Food ~
~ Distractions ~

Believe that recovery is possible

It takes time and hard work, believe me. It is not easy. Nobody is ever gonna tell you its easy, because it isnt, it is tough, hard work. everyday. It will be a battle... but it wont always be hard.
  You have to first make the decision you want to recover.
You have to want to recover, for yourself . At first its good to maybe want to reocver for your family, or for a trip to France, or to get to move away from home.. or whatever it is... but in the end, recovery has to be for you.
 Its your body that will change, but it will change for the better. But it is still your life... and trust me, when it gets tough... its easy to be like. Well, i dont care.
  But when you are recoverying for yourself, for all the good things of being healthy and no longe rhvaing an ED. Trust me, it wont be as easy to just give up on recovery... because you konw what you want. What you are fighting for... and that is so much more important then weigh X on the scale, or looking like a stick.


   
Recovery is worth it. It is hard... but it is possible, you just have to give it a chance. Because it gets easier.. and you will like your body, and to live without anxiety everyday. To live without fear foods and scared to eat ovver X amount of calories.. that is not a life.
  TO be controlled of exercise, and diet food and all these rules... its not fun. You cant live freely.
  Give recovery a chance!!!

Quick morning breakfast post :)

Good morning lovely people :)
    This morning, i dont even know what i have done with my time.... or i do, but somehow time seems to have sped up. So of course, Monday morning and i feel i am running late... or going to run late anyway!!
   I saw that i have gotten lots of comments on my previous post... though dont have time to reply just now, but i will definitely try reply to you all this afternoon :)

Now its time for breakfast which i will have to eat in a matter of minutes! I dislike these stressful mornings alot, but thats part of life... its just to turn this not-so-good-morning into a good day :)


Food is not the enemy

Food is not the enemy, your mind and thoughts are your enemy!!!

Today the only physical exercise i have done is 5 minutes to the library and 5 minutes back in turtle speed. But that doesnt make me eat less than normal... Nope i keep eating exactly what my body needs!
  As i mentioned in one of my previous posts i did actually go to the library and there i sat for 3,5 hours where i brought lunch and snacks with me... but well, studying just makes me super hungry and tired. So after 3,5 hours i was feeling super hungry, craving coffee and just didnt want to type anymore. So i packed my things and went home.
  I then ate some quark with nuts and dried fruit  as well as 2 more cookies :) :)



Did some series watching before my family came home and spent a while talking with them. They made an early dinner and i wasnt hungry right then so i waited a while.... but my hunger wasnt really coming (had a stomach ache) and i wasnt craving dinner food. So instead i decided to make some pancakes and eat those with a fruit salad, 1,5 portion casein & some protein bites!!!
A perfect dinner and night snack combined!
My tastebuds were in heaven :)


^^Yup, even if i wasnt feeling super hungry i ate ALL of this ^^ 
Need all my energy :)

Now its time for rest and to pack my bag for tomorrow... a long day in school!




 Remember your body NEEDS food. Look at all the delicious food i eat, dont you want to feed and nourish your body as well? Give it the energy it needs :)

If you are a procrastinator... this message is for you

If you are someone who procrastinates, who sits and just keeps telling themselves that they will go do their work. They will leave the house, they will clean the house, do the work they are supposed to do... but you repeat that every 15 minutes. But you still come up with 99 reasons why you need to wait another hour.. and that continues until the end of the day and suddenly you start panicking, feeling stressed and get anxiety because you havent done the work you are supposed to.



Well im telling you now, To get up and do what you are supposed to do... ( First finish reading this post though... you ALWAYS have time for my blog ;))
  Think of the feeling you will get afterwards... that relief and sense of relaxation when you have done what you are supposed to do. Write a to do list of what you are supposed to do, and make a mark of those things which are most important and should be done first. Then work your way through those things... and feel the relief and the pressure leaving your shoulders when each of those items is ticked off your list.


Make it a habit to do the things you need to do at once... dont wait. Because you can leave those things you need to do as long as you want, but you still need to do them. Its like an elephant in the room, you can deny them, pretend they dont exist. But they are still there!
 
If you are struggling with school work and cant seem to study, then find a place where you can... a library, student studying area, a friends house, a cafe, a silent place in your house.... go there, plan to sit there for the time necessary. Bring snacks, bring water, shut off your mobile... and just do your work.
  Because i can promise you. When you close your laptop and books and know that you have gotten work done, even if you may not have finished... you have started. You have gotten something done. That feeling is a good feeling!!!

So no more procrastinating!!! You can continue reading my blog later when you have gotten all your work done :)

And if you have gotten your work done/have nothing to do. Here is a hug well done for you :)


Sunday

Good morning all my lovely readers, or maybe i should say good afternoon?
This is a scheduled post, set for 1pm and i should, hopefully now be sitting in the library and getting work done... but who knows, maybe at this actual point in time i am lying in bed watching series and eating cookies? :) But i can be hopeful... my plan anyway is to right now be sitting and studying!

This morning i woke up and felt tiredness in both my body and mind, so i began my day with a coffee and browsing the internet a little while before i got up and made myself breakfast.
   Then it was some cleaning of the house, emails to be answered, cookies to be eaten (I dont think there will be any left to give to friends on Monday, they are so delicious!).

As mentioned above, today studying is no.1 and after that, its just to rest and prepare for next week which will be another long, tough week. But i am going to keep thinking positive :) Hopefully next week will be a great week.

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday, or have had a lovely Sunday!










Bopdy dysmorphia/ distorted body image

I was asked to write about distorted body image and how to stop comparing yourself to others ....  with the distorted body image, its hard to give proper advice.



  For me no matter how many times someone told me i was skinny, that i was underweight, i didnt look healthy, i wasnt fat...  it never stuck in my head. I would still look down at my body or look in the mirror and just see how fat i was... even when i took photos of myself, i would look at them in disgust. Hating how big i looked, Its not until afterwards, now when im recovered i can look at those photos and see that i was far from overweight or fat. But at the time i didnt see that.... i would look in the mirror and see 101 things i hated about myself. I zoomed in on the small things i hated about myself as well as the bigger things i hated about myself.
  The truth is... everyone can look in the mirror and say 10 things they hate about themselves, infact im sure the list of things you see as flaws (though they arent, i promise. Doesnt matter whether they are scars, burn marks, beauty marks, spots etc... they make you YOU. They make you unique and nothing you should be ashamed about or see as a flaw. ) But it takes courage and strength to say atleast 3 things you love about yourself.
  This is something many people struggle with. They focus on the negatives and have to stand and think for 30 minutes before they can come up with a positive about themselves.

But this is exactly what you need to do. For me in recovery... i avoided mirrors as often as i could. Whenever i looked in the mirror i just thought negative thoughts. I tried to focus on other things apart from my body. And that helped me to stop thinking so negatively about myself and my body...
  Also, i started my actual recovery and weight gain in the summer, so i did spend time in a bikini. Which was awful at first but i didnt want to sit hiding away. I also got to see so many different body shapes... tall people and short people, skinny people and 'fat' (sorry) people.... so many different shapes and sizes. Everyone different, everyone unique.
  Im the type of person who often sees the good in everyone else, who can look at someone and instantly see 10 good things about them. (Though when i was very sick i had a period where i thought negative thoughts about everyone and everything. Critisized other peoples bodies because i wasnt happy with my own).  But i began seeing the good in everyone else and soon realised, i had to see the good in me as well. I had to see my positives... why do i look down on myself, hate myself, tell myself im fat, whilst i can look at others and just think how great they look, no matter what shape or size.
   It also helped me to realise that people look different, there will ALWAYS be someone skinnier than you, just like there will ALWAYS be someone bigger than you. Some people are taller than you, others are shorter than you.
  But ask yourself... what is so important about being skinnier than someone else? It really doesnt make a difference, it wont make you happier, it wont make you a better person, it wont make you smarter... it wont make you anything. Just skinnier than someone... just like someone else might have longer hair than you, or bigger feet than you. Its NOT a competition.
  You can be/look like a skeleton when you are in a grave.... you have plenty of time for that, so why look like a skeleton when you are alive?

With comparing yourself to others, you have to first learn to love yourself. See yourself for how you truly look.... if mirrors or photos trigger you. Just avoid them. Instead say or write down 3-5 good things about yourself EVERYDAY. Even if you repeat the same things, just do that.
  Many people struggle with this... they cant seem to do it. But its a good exercise to do to learn to love yourself... soon you will be able to say 5 or 10 good things about yourself, just like that. And NOT feel bad about saying them. Because what is so bad about loving yourself? People who think you are silly or vain or egoistic for loving yourself or being able to say good things about yourself are just jealous and have low self esteem.
  
You need to realise that the way you look IS NOT a competition. DONT compare yourself to everyone around you... it takes too much energy out of your life. Too many thoughts on body shape, on who is skinniest, who has skinniest legs or biggest arms.. its tiring. Its not a way to live.
   You need to stop focusing on body shape, but focus on other things... such as being happy. Living life, spending time with friends.

Because in the end, if you spend 99% of your time, energy and thoughts on your body shape and others body shapes you wont truly be happy. You need to let go of the obsessive body thoughts and learn to just live life and be happy. Think positive thoughts and other thoughts.

It can also help to talk about your thoughts or write them down... to get advice on how to cope with the thoughts of comparing.
  Each time you look at a photo of someone else, or look at someone else and begin to compare yourself, then STOP. Take a deep breath and begin telling yourself 5 reasons why you shouldnt compare yourself to that other person and why you are perfect just the way you are.

If you need more advice on this subject, please let me know :)





FAQ

I thought i would let you know, Don't forget to check my FAQ (at my tabs page at the top ↑↑↑) if you have any questions or wondering about a certain topic etc
   I do need to update it though,  but it's a good place to go :)

&&& If you have any topic suggestions/post ideas/questions,  Let me know and I will try my best to answer them :) :)

Making cookies

On my to-do list and priority was to bake cookies today (or tomorrow!). Ever since i saw THIS cookie recipe ive wanted to make them and most importantly eat them!
  So after dinner and feeling bored and craving something sweet i decided, why not :) We had all the ingredients so it was just to start making them!!

My sister sat in the kitchen as acted as a photographer, though pretty much 90% of the photos were blurry or me making weird faces or moving or do something weird weird with either my posture/body or face ;);)*Model potential* ::) :)

My modelling might not be so good, but at leas these cookies turned out good... actually, too good. I just want to eat them all!!!!
  The bad thing though is that my sister doesnt eat gluten, so she isnt eating any and them both my mum and step dad are on a sort of diet so arent going to eat any either... :( Does anyone want me to send them cookies?: )
  No, im sure i will manage to eat plenty of them this weekend. Otherwise i think im going to bring to school and give to my friends on Monday :) (Win some extra friendship points!)

If you are bored/need to bake something/want to face a fear food/want to eat a delicious cookie/want to eat a delicious food then MAKE these cookies!!!











^^As ive mentioned before... im warm blooded, so im always REALLY warm... this is pretty much how i look at how, even in winter time











(btw, excuse the awful mobile camera photos... it was so dark and bad lighting. Hahah!)