Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


When you love what you do, then waking up isnt a burden, its a chance to live your dreams

Waking up this morning filled with energy despite it still being dark outside. I had energy - lots of energy. I was ready to go for a morning walk!!! My absaloute favourite. Its getting colder, but ig you have the right clothes its fine.
  There were few people out so it was just me, Daisy and my music. It was so peaceful... my eyes adjusting as it got brighter . Sometimes i just want to pause life when things seem so perfect. Being out in nature, feeling so peaceful and happy. No worries or thoughts.
    I really do wish i had more time to go for walks... though this week i do as i have no school on Wednesday or Thursday!!

In life you have to find what you love doing. Find what makes YOU happy. Dont just copy others.
  Some might love exercise whilst you hate it. Others might love strength trainng and running while you prefer Zumba or pilates. Some might love nature whilst others hate it.
  But dont just copy others... just because 99 other people go for morning walks, that doesnt mean you have to.

If you love what you are doing and love your life, then waking up isnt a burden. Its a chance to live your dreams, chase after your goals. Each morning (85% of the time ;)) i wake up and am just happy to be alive. Happy that today is a new day, that i get a chance to do things i love. See people i love. Eat food i love.
  Having balance and living a life you love is priceless... it gives you happiness and peace. You dont feel depressed or feel like you have to escape.
   Create a life you dont need a break from!

^^Just some thoughts from this morning :)

Just after finishing breakfast and now its time to get ready for the day!!

Panic when eating - answer

The previous day i got an email from a reader wondering how to cope with panic when it comes to eating, but also about school work and dealing with guilt over what she had put her family through.
  I thought her question was something which im sure others could relate to and also i thought my answer was kind of good, so (with her permission - [email has been edited slightly to not give away anything personl]) ive decided to share her question and answer here as well :)

P.S the girl who sent this email has recently been struggling alot and gone through alot so Share all your lovely messages and motivation so that hopefully she -and others - can read them and feel inspired and motivated to not give up!!!

Hey izzy
I'm still finding it difficult and everyone's really trying hard to keep my out of hospital. To be honest it is my families stability that is keeping me out from hospital as my consultant thinks it's better to work with my mother one on one. Whenever I see food I just panic and cry and all logic leaves. No one can convince me. I say the most horrible things particularly to my parents and then afterwards I'm filled with so much self hatred for saying that that I find it even harder to eat the next meal. I miss at least one meal a day now and I'm barely managing Ccals. I know it's wrong but it's like I change person when I see the food and I can't help it. I feel so defeated. In addition to this I struggle with school work as I go to the hospital so often now that I'm missing a lot of lessons. I'm sure you must have dealt with school work and may b even this change of personality and I wanted to know what you did to overcome these challenges. The worst thing is the effect I know I'm having on my parents. They cry and shout and they are so upset. My mum feels a great burden coz she knows if the hospital don't think she can cope they'll admit  me but if I could start eating of my own back then the pressure will relieve and my father will be happier as well. It's got to the point where I'll have panic attacks if someone tries to give me diet Pepsi instead of diet coke because of the 1 cal difference

Typing this now I know that the way I react to food is illogical but as I said logic leaves the minute I see food to the point where I don't think I'm ill and all I care about is losing weight.

My answer:
To start off, i have a post about school work when sick which you might want to read:
 If you find that you cant keep up with your school work, talk to your school and your parents. Its a tough situation, ive been there. But prioritizing your health and your recovery comes first. You can repeat school, get a tutor etc but you cant repeat your life. And you dont need any more extra stress. For me, once i realised that i couldnt do both Mando and school it felt better. I had so much stress and anxiety over the school i was missing and i felt so stupid because i couldnt concentrate but when i wasnt doing school work anymore i didnt have to worry about that. 

And then i also have a post about feeling guilty for what you are putting your family though which you might want to read (if you havent already)

And for the guilt and panic when it comes to food. Well maybe you can begin with simple food instead.... instead of having a huge plate of oatmeal/yoghurt, toppings, juice etc etc maybe it would be easier to drink a smoothie? Maybe your mum could make it for you and then all you see is the glass infront of you... Or maybe eating something liek oatmeal biscuits or some oatmeal pancakes or having mashed potatoes instead of cooked potatoes or having pasta mixed with chicken and vegetables (example) instead of them on different sides of the plate. To make the quantatity look less can be very helpful... but also to eat foods you feel you can enjoy. It may feel like you dont enjoy any food, like nothing tastes good and you dont like anything. But thats not the truth.

What i recommend you do is that every week you decide on 5 types of food which you are going to test eating. Such as one week you decide you will try eating an apple, greek yoghurt, chicken, rice and hot chocolate. And then  through out the week you have to incorporate all of those into your eating... and preferably trying them more than once. And each week you add in different types of food into your diet, trying new foods.

You need to face your fears.

What i suggest you do is that you sit down and you ask yourself.... what do you want with your life? What are your goals in life? Is your goal really to be the skinniest person? Is your goal to freeze, lose your hair, lose your muscles and your strength, be hungry, avoid friends, isolate yourself from the rest of the world?`
Recovering is scary, its tough, its a mental battle but i can also tell you its worth it. You need to find a coping mechanism for the guilt and the panic. Know that eating WONT make you fat. But not eating will eventually kill you....
   Find a mantra or motto which you can tell yourself when you feel yourself panicking. Each time you have to eat repeat that mantra to get you to eat.... take deep breathe. Think logically... even if it takes you an hour to eat an apple, keep going. Work your way through it, fight the thoughts in your head. It wont get easier by avoiding the problem, hoping it goes away and never facing your fears.
  You need to face them, conquer your fears to get better.

Ask yourself why you want to lose weight and was is so great about losing weight.....? What will happen if you gain weight? What is so bad about gaining weight?
   You are smart, so dont let your ED fool you or trick you. Think rationally and logically because you know the honest answer...

It may be tough now, but until you decide to start fighting your ED, choosing your life and health over your illness it wont get better or easier.

Bloating - it happens to everyone

As i mentioned in my previous post i have had the worst stomach pain and bloating today - all day. From the moment i woke up.... not a nice feeling at all. Also it doesnt help that Sunday night i was craving salt so ate lots of salt and drank water = body retaining water.
Today i have walked around with a HUGE bloat, infact when i showed my sister she joked and said i looked like i was pregnant... my mum got angry at her for making that comment. But it didnt bother me at all, i know how i looked, but i know that this isnt how i normall look anyway!! Its quite a contrast, haha!

But i wanted to show you that yes... i bloat as well. Many people panic about it, i get it. Its not a nice feeling... but i just put on comfy clothes, kept eating and drinking like normal and hoping that it will pass in a few days. (Though i am suspecting that i might be intolerant to something that i am eating as this has happened before... i think it might be lactose :(:( Ive said about 101 times that im going to stop eating dairy but i just cant seem to give it up :( So i guess i have to take the consequences if im going to eat it.)

^^Sunday afternoon

^^Monday morning (and all Monday)
p.s im straightening my hair in the picture hence the funny hair do ;);)

Please DONT panic about bloating. Trust me, its not worth it. Thats how the body behaves.
And everyone bloats... you can see the contrast between the 2 pictures... i dont always look like the first pictures and thats ok. Im a human, i have a body. The body isnt made to always have a super flat stomach.

When you bloat, instead of restricting, feeling bad, wanting to not eat or wanting to overexercise or whatever other thoughts you have.
Just take a deep breathe... remember that everyone bloats. Instead, drink some tea, stay awy from fizzy drinks, dont chew gum, wear comfy clothes and know it will pass!

Schoolday and package delivery!!

Back to school today and somehow the day has just passed by, not even sure how?! haha. I drank an energy drink at c.a 9am this morning and it seemed to give me energy for the whole day, wasnt even tired after school and didnt even feel sad or tired from the rain and dark clouds like i usually do.
    This morning i started my day with a workout before school and it felt good to be back at the gym, thats where im in my zone and can focus on other things and just love being there!! If only my time wasnt so limited... then i would have more time to just spend stretching or just being there... I actually do spend time just sitting in my gym and answering emails or eating my post workout snack or even before my workouts i spend time just drinking my amino acids. I like it, its a comfort being there!!
   And after that my day passed by quickly, even my maths test. Which i think went ok.... i also got my work for today sent in. And tomorrow it will be even more work due so need to spend some time on those assignments.

When i came home from school i also had a package waiting for me.... the longed for questbars which i won in a competition a few weeks ago!! Its been a hassle trying to get the pacakge as when it was first delivered nobody was home and so the package got sent somewhere else and then having to contact the post office and get it sent out again... Yup a real hassle. If you arent from the U.S and want to order questbars then i reccommend buying from Iherb (P.s use my code: TTQ949 if you are buying from Iherb for the first time for a 10% dicount) as the package usually arrives within a few days - not a few weeks!!! ;)

Excited to try the new protein chips!!

At the moment i have the worst stomch pain - have had it all day infact, so going to eat a really simple dinner or something to get some food into me. Havent been able to eat so much today - i didnt even want a questbar when i first opened the package - Yup, that says alot about my stomach pain.
 So hoping that will go over soon... its an uncomfortable feeling when you are hungry but you cant seem to eat at all and your stomach is causing pain :(

10 steps to bulimia recovery (Workbook)

The workbook is from : Shaye Boddington and its recommended that you print it out so that you can do the exercises and write notes.
   She also shares her story which is very inspiring.

If you struggle with bulimia or binge eating then this workbook might help :) (And of course if you have any questions i can try answering - i purged for c.a 4 years, but only had a few months experience of binge eating due to starvation... but i know the feeling of binge eating and i got out of it.) 

Helpful tips after residential care

Helpful Tips for After Residential Treatment

By Laurie Daily-Murphy, CEDS, Reprinted from Eating Disorders Recovery Today, Fall 2006 Volume 4, Number 4, (c) 2006 G├╝rze Books Source: X
After spending time at a residential program, the transition back to the real world can be a difficult one. When you think about all the elements that were working while you were in treatment, you will need to continue to create these things at home. A residential program does not "fix" us for life, but teaches us what we need to do for ourselves. Here is a list of what works in residential programs, and what you can continue to create:
  • Willingness: Admitting that you need help is hard, but it is a first step toward recovery. It takes willingness to propel us into action. If you find yourself with the "what’s the use?" attitude, pray for willingness—it will come.
  • Accountability: Plan meals with others. Get an accountability coach or another friend in recovery. Call each other every day to check in. Have someone in your life that you HAVE to tell all the sneaky stuff to. Trying to do it alone got you into treatment; learning to "do it differently" will keep you from going back.
  • Structure: Follow your meal plan even when you don’t feel like it. Set up a regular recovery schedule to follow. Plan ahead for triggering situations.
  • Meetings and Support Groups: Go to meetings even when you’re not in the mood and feel ashamed. Everyone who is there has been where you are now.
  • Support: Reaching out breaks the shame and isolation. Get a list of five or ten people you can call when you are in trouble. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable with another person. Remember how you feel when someone tells you they are hurting. Giving support is a gift. Allow yourself to RECEIVE.
  • Feelings: Separate eating disorder behaviors from stress. Be willing to feel all feelings, even when they feel awful. Feelings won’t kill you, but an eating disorder might. Be willing to sit with discomfort by taking one minute at a time. Breathe, don’t run. Running from our feelings, just takes us in a circle right back where we started.
  • Therapy & Treatment Team: Make treatment a continued priority. Without dealing with the issues that come up, you could relapse. If you can't afford therapy, find people who are willing to work on a sliding scale. Get a part-time job just to pay for it. How much is your LIFE worth to you?
  • Emotional Needs: Usually we are using an eating disorder to fill a need. Find out what your "hunger" is really about and then find a way to get the need met. For example, if it's a boyfriend you crave, ask yourself: What would the boyfriend do for me that would make me feel better? The answer could be nurturing, in which case you’d want to focus on comforting yourself. Or ask yourself, "What do I want?" If the answer is to be thinner, then dig deeper to ask what that really means. If your answer is "I would like myself better," then you need to work on self-esteem and self-acceptance and separate it from the weight issue.
  • Boundaries: Many times our eating disorder is a protection to keep people at a distance. Take an assertiveness class. Setting limits and saying no can feel terrifying at first, but the more you practice, the easier it gets.
  • Spirituality: Find purpose, do things that help you find spirit, hope, and connection. It's too easy to get distracted by work, media, and material things. What really matters is love and life.
  • Service: Volunteer, get outside of self, and help others with eating disorders.
  • Fun: Make plans for the weekend! Allow yourself to have fun. Staying home and isolating is a breeding ground for an eating disorder.
  • Creativity: Do something where you feel you shine—but allow yourself to suck at it too. Let go of perfection.

The power of thoughts

The power of thoughts and mentality is something i believe alot in. Its also something i have experience alot of.
   When im negative and thinking negatively, then negative and bad things happen. But when i think positively then good things happen....

I like to say, You cant just wish for it, you have to work for it.But the truth is, i believe the 2 go hand in hand.Without wishing and knowing what you want.. how are you supposed to work for it? And actually, if you have a wish, a dream, a goal which you want to achieve so badly then you begin working for it.

I always write down my wishes,wants, goals on a piece of paper and then a few months or even years later when i see the paper again i realise that i have achieved some of those goals.
   Such as my goals of Running the colourrun, running the midnight race, visiting Disney Paris, visiting NY, being declared healthy, having a balanced healthy life  etc etc

They were all wishes of mine which i had had for a very long time.

I believe that what you think is what you manifest. Have you ever noticed that some people who are always negative seem to always have negative things happening to them, making them even more negative = a viscious cycle. Of course, its hard to be positive when lots of bad things are happening. But maybe instead of complaining, thinking about giving up on life because its too tough, instead you stand up tall, think of how you want your life to actually be and you face your problems. You keep wishing and working towards a better life.

This week we are going to think positively and manifest the things we want - might sound silly. But just think of the things you want. (And sure you can think about negative things and think you want to skip meals and so that is what you manifest, but then its still you who has to take the consequences.)

I believe if we change our mind and our thoughts towards positive ones then we will feel better - and be more likely to reach our goals!

Food diary

Food diaries has been something requested alot recently from all directions. Previously i have been told that they have been triggering and well im not someone who remembers everything i eat so im not that great at writing food diaries. But i thought i would write out how i ate today:

9am: Breakfast: Egg white oatmeal with yoghurt, raspberries & nuts. & 2 eggs & a vitamin tablet.

10.30am: Study snacks: 2 BIG handfuls of mix of nuts and raisins.

12.30: Lunch: Home made bread with spread, tuna & an apple.

15.10: Snack: Yoghurt with nuts, seeds and dried fruit

17.45: Dinner: 2 quorn burgers, quinoa, mix of vegetables, sweet corn and cottage cheese
Dessert: c.a 500g quark mixed with funlight, nuts and raspberries.

21.30: 3 crisp bread with spread & mackerel & a pear.

^^This was how i ate today... everyday varies. During weekdays i eat a cooked lunch in school or i have a cooked lunch with me if i have a long break. But during weekends and im studying or too tired to cook then it will just be something simple.
  And i often have a dessert after dinner :):) I love my night snacks and desserts :)

Let me know if you want me to do food diaries more often or not at all :)

Waiting for the day to end

Sunday afternoon and ive just spent this day inside. Moving from one computer to another... eating a few too many handfuls of raisins and nuts.
  Drinking many cups of coffee and tea. But just feeling tired.... I am longing until this evening... i want to make pancakes, drink tea and watch a good movie :) So far no plans for today are made... just sort of letting time pass by. Feeling restless, i prefer when plans are made.. when people can just decide on something and do it. Instead of everyone just sort of wandering/sitting around the house, trying to make a decision. Hence why i have retreated to my room to write out my irritation :) haha. Blogging is good for something :)

All my stress for next week has sort of disappeared, i think its due to mental tiredness. Like i feel like i dont care anymore... either my essays and tests will go super or they dont, but ive studied what i can anyway. Thats all that counts. Its a refreshing feeling to feel this way, to not have a  weight on my shoulders. Goes well with my whole Try not to stress or write about stress this week  (Which i wrote on Monday) :) Did anyone else join in on that and decide to not stress so much? :)

Ive also found out that i have 2 days off next week, which is really nice. It will give me time to finish a few school assignments :) Which has taken pressure off from this week.

Its now time for another cup of coffee and to go out and socialize - cant just sit in my room and blog ;) Or i can, but its not such a respectful thing to do! haha

Bundle of thoughts

You know when you have a big knot of earphones all tangeled together, and you try to pull one of the earphones out but it just doesnt work because they are so tangled together?
  Yeah, thats how my thoughts are at the moment.. everything bundled together. I have so many thoughts at once.... I feel like i hav 100 things i want to do.
  So many posts i want to write about but once i try pulling at one thread and idea i get 5 other ones as well and suddenly i am writing 5 posts and 3 essays at the same time, never really finishing any of them.

I think im just going to write out all my ideas on a piece of paper and slowly start writing all the posts... trying to formulate my ideas and thoughts into words and sentences :)

And once again, if you have any topic ideas or questions let me know and i can answer them in a post :)
(And also know that at the moment emailing isnt going so well, so if you have any questions you can just comment them here as i might be more likely to answer them in a comment or post here :)) For now anyway :)

Also...If YOU have any advice or your own story which you want to share then please email me (and in the subject let me know that you have advice/a story you want to share), as im sure it would help and motivate others :)

People are more scared of having fat than dying

When people are more scared of food and becoming fat than death, then you know something is very wrong.

I used to be one of those people. Death wasnt something scary for me... infact it was almost something i longed for at times. However food and becoming fat, that was such a fear of mine that i tried killing myself because of the fear. It was a terror inside of me. It haunted me, was eating me up inside.... the thought of becoming fat.

But what is fat really? We all have it. Fat is not just on the outside... but fat is in our insides as well. Are cells are made up of lipids i.e fat. And there is also visceral fat which is on the inside. And then there is of course the fat which is on the outside of our body. I.e essential fat. If we were meant to be skin and bones then everyone would look like that. But we're not meant to look like that... we NEED fat on our bodies.
  It is a way of keeping us warm, but also it protects our insides. You may complain and hate your stomach.... but its just silly because the fat you have on your stomach is protecting your organs. Stop thinking that you want a super flat stomach.... you can never have a super flat stomach. Your have organs inside of you and your stomach bloats, it wont always be super flat. You can look at loads of pictures of people with abs or flat stomachs, but i can guarantee you that they dont always look like that.

And then stomach rolls.... yes, i get them as well. Even if you are super skinny you will still get rolls when you sit because well.if you dont, then i dont really know whats wrong with you. Your stomach is not just a piece of paper... its not just flat/straigh all the time. When you sit or bend over your stomach also needs to 'bend/roll' as your organs are in there.

Why has the word fat become such a scary thing? Something that seems worse than death.

Fat is an adjective... why has it got such a bad reputation. You could say that you are fat to anyone... because well, we all have fat. However fat doesnt just mean fat anymore, now it means something negative. Its an insult. But telling someone they are skinny is a compliment? How does that work....

We all have skin, we all have fat. Thats how the body looks. But when did these words become something good and something bad.

Our feelings, our worth is NOT dependant on our looks. One person isnt better then the other because they weigh less or are thinner.
You need to realise that you are more than your body. But also, that having fat on your body is essential. Its nothing to be scared of.

There are of course people who have too much fat on their body which isnt a healthy thing either...  But if you find balance in your life where you dont binge and you dont starve yourself then i am pretty sure you will have a healthy fat procent.
   After you recover from your eating disorder and have a healthy weight you will also have a healthy fat procent - no it WONT be too much or too high. You need to get rid of those types of thoughts and not think that skinny is better. Fat on your body is your bdoies way of protecting you and keeping you warm. So why are you complaining.

Also know that when people go on starvation diets or they ruin/slow their metabolism, then the body holds onto fat as that is its way of protecting you.

My favourite part of the morning

One of my favourite parts of the morning has to be sitting on my bed, holding my cup of coffee and just looking out the window! It's grey and rainy outside and I'm sitting in my night gown all cosy :)
  I love the peacefulness of being able to just drink my warm coffee and think. Not have to rush anywhere or do anything. In 2 hours i have a group assignment which I need to sit and Skype& work on. So until then I'm going to enjoy my coffee,  eat breakfast and then if it's stopped raining take a short walk to get some fresh air (fresh air and a walk is the best for concentration - according to me ;) But of course just fresh air on its own and a coffee works as well :)).

Day in town with my family

Its 8pm and im finally home again, wondering where the time has gone..... At the moment i am incredibly tired, or my body anyway - alot of walking, but mentally i am wide awake. Makes for a very weird combination :)

Today has been a really good day, though so different from my daily routines!! And food times has just been small things here and there. For me its always super important to have food with me when im out in town, my family dont get as hungry as me. So when we are out in town for hours i can just pull out a bar or fruit or something when i get hungry and not have to worry about going to a cafe or finding a shop because my blood sugar is low. My family dont find it weird either that i carry around bottles of water and juice and snacks ;);)

After my studying session this morning - didnt get so much done - 2,5 hours just wasnt enough. So more time tomorrow! i ate a small, quick lunch and then my sister and I met our dad at the place he is staying. And then we headed into town where we walked for about 1,5 hours and then we somehow wandered into an Irish pub and there was a Chelsea match on (My dad is a HUGE chelsea fan - hence why my middle name is Chelsea ;)) so we sat down there and my dad said we might as well watch the match and that he would order us dinner if we wanted. It was 4.45pm then and i wasnt super hungry but i figured, he's paying and i might as well eat something. So both my sister and I got a salmon,prawn and avocado salad with a sour cream and chive dressing! Super delicious and also filling!!

When the match was done we stepped out into the cold weather once again and walked for about another hour before we took the train home. And stopped into the shop for some snacks :) Going to watch a movie tonight :)

However as my mind is alert ive just finished writing on one of my essays - i feel the stress creeping up as i have quite alot due and just dont have the time necessary to get everything done as i also want to spend time with my dad. However, i dont want to stress about it. Its not worth it....
   But now im going to eat my snacks and watch a movie with my family :)

Have a lovely evening everyone :)

Portion sizes

can you give me any advice on this.. i really struggle with portion sizes, for both snacks like cereal and things, and then dinner and lunch too. i know this sounds silly but deciding on portion size gives me anxiety. I started off resolving to go for "nice generous portions"...but when it comes to actually serving myself's almost as if I don't know what that is anymore. Is it a good idea to weigh out things to help with this? I'm worried that when it comes to serving myself I always end up giving myself too little's as if my eyes are unable to judge a correct portion size. :(

Portion sizes can be hard but i wouldnt measure food, because that can make you obsessed about it. Start obsessing about weighing food and counting calories which isnt healthy. A good way to know whether you have eaten enough or not is to ask yourself if you are still hungry... If you still feel a little hungry after a meal then you know you didnt eat enough.

How much you should eat all depends on what your goal is... but i would say for snacks the pictures above are good representations of a normal snack. Though there are so many snack things out there... but ill put it this way... for an afternoon snack its not enough with just a fruit an a biscuit. But instead go for something like a sandwich (with 2 slices of bread or 2 other types of bread) with filling and maybe a fruit. Or yoghurt/oatmeal with fruit and nuts and something on the side etc
  And for morning and night snacks things like fruit, yoghurt, nuts, dried fruit, crisp bread, hot chocolate, biscuits etc... combine a few of those things together.

HERE is a post with snack ideas :)

For lunch and dinner,i would go for 40% carbs, 30% protein and 20% veggies and 10% healthy fats.... so think that almost half the plate should be filled with carbs, a  third of the plate with protein and whats left should be veggies and some form of healthy fat or a sauce :)
   Think like this... take more than what you want to plate. Plate up what you think looks normal, then add a little bit more of everything. And start from there...  Though portion sizes vary so much really, somedays you are more hungry, some days less... but its good to follow some standard guide when in recovery :)

HERE is a post about portion sizes, however know that in recovery the portion sizes vary alot... and arent the normal portion sizes for someone who needs to maintain their weight.

Dinner/Lunch ideas

^¨Ofcourse that on its own wouldnt be enough!

I love saturdays

Waking up Saturday morning and having my whole day infront of me.... though i dont really get to spend it the way i want.
   If i were to have the perfect day today, it would be to lie in bed, watch series, eat salted nuts and dried fruit, not do much..... That would be the perfect day today.
   Though i woke up with lots of energy and as i have decided to not go to the gym this weekend - to save time. Instead i went for a morning walk, a short one to give me energy and get out of the house for a little while.
   My walk was then followed by breakfast which was quark mixed with yoghurt, an apple, raspberries and walnuts & crisp bread with spread and chicken :)

Doing some online things before i soon move to the kitchen table and begin my studying for the day! After lunch my sister and I are going to meet our dad and see what he wants to do and take it from there! Dont have much energy to wander around town so im hoping thats not the case today!!¨

I hope you all have a lovely day today and enjoy your weekend :) Dont stress too much (advice to myself) if you are stuyding/working :)

Just Breathe

My tattoo which i got almost 2 and a half years ago. I often forget that i have it, its just when someone points it out or i notice it in a mirror or something like that. But at times i can find that when im anxious or stressed i tell myself to just breathe. And then i find myself smiling a little... because that reminder is literally marked on me. Its part of me.... reminding me to just breathe.
   Only really my family know the meaning behind it... but it has so many meanings to it.

It stands for my Cystic Fibrosis. A part of me, something which i can never get rid of.  Its not my identity, but its still part of who i am. It reminds me that even if at times i struggle to breathe, if at times it feels like im drowning, not able to get breathe or breathe deep enough. I know that all i can do is try to keep breathing.

It reminds me to not give up on life.... until i stop breathing i will still be alive. No matter how tough life is... no matter how much stress or anxiety i have. As long as i keep breathing i will be ok.

It reminds me of my past, but not in a negative way. But in a positive way. It reminds me that i fought through depressions, fought through an eating disorder, fought through panic, anxiety and guilt. Ive been through so much, so many hopeless times. So many tear filled nights, thoughts of suicide and giving up on life. But i didnt... i kept breathing and that is what i will keep doing. As long as i breathe i will be ok.

It reminds me that everything will be ok, that sometimes all i can literally doing is to keep breathing. To just calm down, not think, not move.... but just stay focused and breathe.

It reminds me of life, of never giving up.

It also reminds me of exercise, of how much i love exercise. Running, moving my body, breathing.

So much meaning behind it, but many think its just some silly quote i have picked. But to me, its a quote about life and death. A quote about my past, about my future and about my present. Its a reminder to myself.
People have different opinions on tattoos and thats ok, i respect everyones opinions. But i dont respect someone who tries to bring me down for my choice of having tattoos (which nobody - apart from my mum - thankfully has done). To me, my two tattoos mean so much to me. And sure maybe i will regret it when im 50, but i like to think.... live with no regrets. I did what i wanted at that time and its a choice i havent regretted since. Its a part of who i am, a part of my history and also a part of future.