Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Monday, August 31, 2015

Freshly baked scones, resting and the "real model world"

Hello :) :)

Sitting here and thinking, I am pretty sure i have put a winkey face in a comment or email or in a post when i was actually supposed to put a smiley. If i ever do this... ignore it, and just see it as a normal smiley, haha. Because i seem to do that alot, and for some it can make the situation awkward XD haha. I overuse smiles alot and could use them after every sentence, but that doesnt look good and well when i begin writing essays again i cant put a smiley each time i want to express an emotion or a way to end a sentence!!!

How have i spent my Monday? Not doing much, i have felt a bit like a walking zombie today and i felt a sore throat creeping in so i decided to just spend the day resting day. Also consuming lots of ginger and garlic and drinking lots of tea and i am feeling better now, so hopefully tomorrow i will wake up feeling fresh. I decided to stay home and not stay at my boyfriends today incase i was catching a cold - no point spreading bacteria. So instead i decided to make scones (just normal ones using white flour, butter, milk, baking powder) and they turned out soo good!! Warm and freshly baked bread or scones is one of the best things i know. If there is one weakness i have in life (ok more than one) is fresh bread (including scones without raisins) and salted nuts... i cant resist those things, and its a bit like once i have one piece... well then there is a 100% chance that i will finish atleast 50% of what is infront of me. -_-' No self control when it comes to those things, but i am just human!!


This evening i also watched a documentary series about boy models and a documentary series about girl models. The real model world... not just the glamorous one which people believe. But the nasty behind the scenes, the small living places, the harsh critique and words they receive. How the model life really isnt glamorous, its hard work, many hours and feeling very lonely while travelling. Spending weeks on end travelling and not making alot of money for the long hours they work. The model life has always attracted me slightly, and i have been contacted by 2 model agencies, but i was very underweight both times (which shows you just how messed up that branch is). I wanted to say yes but i was 15/16 at the time and my mum wouldnt let me. She has been a model when she was 20 and she worked in Milan and did some big fashion shows and shoots so she has been stuck in that bubble, been surrounded by girls who were bulimic and anorexic, and she said that the whole branch was very sick... when i see pictures from my mum when she was a model she looked great but also very slim, too slim. She said she never used unhealthy behaviours, but back then... just like now, the ideal body image was an unhealthy one. In the documentaries many of the models suffer from eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders etc and they dont feel that great. They are constantly being judged and critiqued on their bodies, their self esteem is low and many do it just because of the money, but hating what they do.Mnay of the models also showed signs of extreme fat phobia, they exercised hard, ate very little, were always tired and survived on caffeine. They knew that their bodies were their jobs, they were judged by their bodies and so they couldnt eat the foods they liked but also they were scared to actually eat or to rest, scared of having fat... and that type of thinking isnt healthy, and i just hope that they get help after/during their model career so that that type of thinking wont take over and control their lives.

   I think watching those type of documentaries are very important for people who think they want to be amodel just to earn lots of money and to have some type of glamorous life, when that isnt the case. For me, being a model isnt a goal or ambition of mine anymore. But if you had asked me when i was 12 i would have told you that being a model was my goal and ambition in life. However i cant deny that being a fitness model, or being a model for Nike or Adidas or something would be fun and i wouldnt say no to that opportunity, i would think that that would be alot of fun. But i wouldnt put myself in a situation where i had to lose lots of weight or have an unhealthy fat percent just to seem "Ok". But if someone wanted me as a fitness model as the way i looked now then i wouldnt say no :)

Just some thoughts anyway, and before this post gets even longer... i just want to clarify something. I wrote that i had lost weight, and i have... i dont weigh myself so often, but i did recently at the gym scale (where i had weighed myself a few weeks ago) and then i weighed myself recently and the weight was lower. It has NOT been a choice or something i have been aware over. Either my body is not absorbing the energy or nutrients i am eating or my body is burning lots at the moment for some reason. So it's not like i have purposely tried to lose weight, if you follow me on my IG, which i know many do then you see how much i eat for the meals i do post, and i eat alot more in between those meals (as it is NOT my food diary). So i eat alot and havent decreased, but apparently it's not enough at the moment. And it HASNT triggered any weird thoughts, i do not feel the need to lose weight. Like i have written several times, i am planning on regaining the weight again because i know that i feel best at my normal weight and that is where i want to be. Or more important, i want to regain my energy again. I dont care so much about the actual number, i dont care if its 62kg or 66kg, but i want to feel my healthiest and most energetic!
  So hopefully that clears things out for you if you thought that i was trying to purposely lose weight. (It would have been kind of contradicting my answer in the previous post about weight loss, if i was trying to lose weight. ) :)





Also on a sidenote... if you want smooth legs, put coconut oil on them. XD XD

Monday 31st August

It's Monday 31st of August and most people are starting university today, or going back to school/work. Or most of my friends are starting university today.... and I am just like "ok, have fun. Learn alot and get smart" and secretly wishing i was in their place. But like the reminder i posted yesterday, "Dont compare your life with others. Everything happens for a reason and where I am in life now, is where i am supposed to be. Things take time, and I am not behind others. Everyone has different paths in life, and this is mine".

It is a good reminder for me to have at the moment, so that i dont end up feeling lost or stressed out because I am not where i want to be in life.

This week I am going to focus on making a positive and happy week. I have an appointment at Mando on Wednesday - first time there in a year. And i am both excited and a little nervous over going back. So much has changed in this past year which is exciting but when you are there you get asked 101 questions, you get analyzed when you are eating. I will have to use the mandometer to eat lunch, though i wont see how many gram/procent i put on the plate, as the goal is to eat roughly 280g of food (not including vegetables) which is basically a normal portion. I am pretty sure i wont fail on that, haahah. There are always so many papers to fill, questions to answer and it always makes me super tired after a while. But atleast i just go there once a year, i was once stuck there for 6 weeks without getting time out, so i am definitely not complaining. :)

This week will be focusing on enough sleep, dressing for the weather (i.e it might be time to accept the fact that shorts and crop tops have to go back into the summer closet) and decreasing caffeine intake. And also limiting my expenses on food.... only 10days until i leave and every penny counts. hahaha. I also need to get around to taking CV photos then i'll see whether i apply for jobs before or after i leave... i dont want to miss a call just because i am on holiday, but things will sort themselves out :)

I hope you all have a great week :) Do you have any goals for this week? :)





Losing weight after an eating disorder & how much exercise is healthy - Answer

I was just wondering if you could write or had any information on whether recovered anorexics' bodies or metabolisms are different from normal people. For example, even though I am a restored weight and eat around 2300 calories a day and don't exercise lots I find that if I don't eat for a few hours my body goes crazy and I get SO hungry, whereas I never felt this extreme hunger before my ED. 

I think it is more that your body is used to getting regular meal times and food. Your body has adapted so then when you don't eat at your normal times your body doesnt know what is happening. I am the same way, and i think many who eat at certain times and have a regular food intake feel the same way. Now whenever i dont eat at roughly the same time, or if i dont get time to eat an afternoon snack and just have to buy something "On the go" i can feel really hungry and feel dizzy, tired, hangry. The body might be more sensitive about not getting food as it went through such a rough period when you were starving yourself, so then when it doesnt get food it gives you stronger signals that food is needed. But i think its more that your body is used to getting food at a certain time.


Also, I was wondering if there were any suggestions for loosing weight after an ED. Obviously this is a very sensitive topic, but I now have a BMI of 19.5 and I am not happy with my body and I was just wondering whether I would be damaging my body further by trying to loose a couple of lbs. I know that my BMI is quite low still, but the way the weight is on my body (mainly in my legs and bum), I don't like it. I guess what I'm trying to say is a recovered ED's body and metabolism different from a 'normal' person's body and metabolism forever?Thank you so much, and you are a wonderful person who deserves happiness! xxx

I dont think this type of mindset is very healthy, not after an eating disorder. Losing weight isnt going to make you happier or make you happier with your legs and bum. Self love and happiness comes from the inside and something you need to work on. You are also at a low weight so by losing just a little could put you on the underweight side, but also from your comment it sounds like you havent been your healthy weight for so long? I could be wrong, but self love takes time. I hated my legs after i reached my goal weight, i struggled alot with liking them and it took almost 2 years to accept them and like them for how they looked but also like them because they worked. What they could do, and not just how they looked. Instead of focusing on changing your body and trying to lose weight, give self love a chance. If your body naturally holds more weight on your legs and bum, then accept that. That is how your body is designed and that isnt going to change no matter how much weight you lose or gain. Forget weight, forget the scale, instead focus on self love from the inside. Say 3 positive things about yourself each morning and evening, try to love yourself for other reasons than your body. Dont let your body be your identity, but be thankful for what your body can do.

I know this might not be the answer you want to hear, but i dont think that losing weight is a good idea. You can always  doing exercise (a form that you enjoy) as that helps release endorphins and can help with self love. It can make you thankful for your body and what it can do, and seeing and feeling progress (such as getting better at the form of exercise) is always fun. 


How much activity do you think one should do after recovered - apart from exercise I mean. Some walk 10 km a day, others 4 km. Some bike to their work place, ie 15-30 km x2. Like how much is too little, how much is too much? Speaking of keeping a healthy body by not being inactive.

When i first answered your question in the comments section i dont think i actually answered your question, haha? I think i went off on some tangent. But anyway.... daily exercise such as taking the stairs, walking a station etc are just normal things which are recommended if you are allowed to move your body. And then if someone enjoys biking to work then there is nothing wrong with that. I am someone who usually walks to the gym or used to walk to school in the morning as it was just 20 minutes away, that was something i enjoyed. But then when it rained, i was too tired or didnt have the time, then i wouldnt walk. Somedays i do alot of walking everywhere and other days i do barely any walking, it all depends what i am doing. But it balances itself out.

The important thing is to realise that biking or walking to work/school etc is still exercise. If you do 90 minutes exercise everyday as well as 60 minutes total of biking/walking places then you are suddenly up to alot of burned calories and it is important to eat back those calories. Not just think... ohh biking to work isnt exercise i dont need to eat more. But actually, you should.

Having daily movement - when you are allowed and physically able - is a good idea. But doing 10km walks everyday, or feeling compelled/obsessed with walking everywhere or biking everywhere is not healthy. Then it takes exercise as something good to something obsessive. Unfortunately i get many mails from people who tell me that they walk 60 minutes to get places, walk all day everyday, or bike everywhere because they are so scared of resting. And that takes "daily/normal" exercise which people see as good to something unhealthy and obsessive which can lead to injuries and exhaustion. 

With daily exercise - apart from workouts - it all depends. Sometimes i take the stairs, sometimes i take the escalotor. Sometimes i walk everywhere, sometimes i just sit in public transport everywhere. Sometimes i do things at home and sometimes i just lie in bed all the time while at home. It all depends on the day and the energy levels. Too much or too little is very individual. Exercise and health is individual so its hard to answer. You need to find what suits you, forget what others are doing. But also be honest about your behaviour when it comes to exercise, because being trapped in an exercise addiction is not fun and it is a hell to get out of. 

ED recovery problems

When my teacher talks about eating disorders and I have to bite my tongue not to correct them, I’m like…
image



image



image


image



you’re just like,
image



image



image

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Cafe tips, weight talk and running photos

Hello :)

Ive spent the last 2 hours mostly lying in bed, with a stomach pain :( Everything got a little bit late and time dragged on so in the end i decided to not go to my friends house. It sucks, i would have liked to meet her before she left, but i would have been there by 6.30pm, and everyone was there by 2pm, so i knew that there was no point. Instead i followed with my parents to a shopping centre where they had to get a few things and instead i went to a cafe i found which served lots of delicious salads, juices, raw food cakes and bars and other delicious food. I ordered myself a chicken, avocado and egg salad with bulgur and sun dried tomatoes as well as a ginger, apple and pear juice.  While my family did their shopping i sat and ate, though i ended up getting alot of stomach pain. And i think its time for me to realise that there are certain foods, including sun dried tomatoes which my stomach just cant seem to cope. Each time i have eaten them the past few months i have had the same pain...... i dont want to admit that its true because i LOVE sun dried tomatoes. Put a jar with 300g sundried tomatoes in oil infront of me and i will eat it all.... though it feels like the stomach pain afterwards isnt worth it. There are other foods i need to avoid as well, but i am not going to mention them here as it can be triggering to some, and well... foods i dont eat or need to avoid are personal and affect no one else but myself.

Even though i got a stomach pain from the food, due to a bad choice, i can still highly recommend this cafe. I think its a new business, but if not... try it.








Otherwise this evening my mum had a talk to me about food and exercise. She likes to have these check ups with me because of my past, and just making sure that everything is going well with me. Also i have lost weight recently, and she notices that and thinks that i have gotten too skinny recently, so she wanted to make sure that everything was going well. I am still eating lots, but maybe because i have been feeling so low i havent gotten enogh, or my body is just burning lots (i admit, i am constantly warm all the time, or freezing cold), or my body just isnt absorbing the nutrients/energy at the moment. But i am focusing on regaining the weight, as i know that the weight i am at usually is where my body feels best. I really dont focus on the number and all honestly i dont care what the number is, as long as its a healthy weight for me. But i know that i need to regain the weight because my body is healthiest and happiest there. For my own strength and energy levels, of course i am still a healthy weight and BMI! 
For me the most important thing is feeling happy, healthy, energetic and strong. And well, all 4 of those have been a little low lately, or not my strength. But i mean, i could feel and be stronger!

Whenever anonymous people attack me online or accuse me of being orthorexic or still being sick i always tell them that my family would know before anyone online. Because of my past both my mum and sister are very observant of me, they would notice if i were to change my behaviour such as cutting food groups or mixing with food or if i were to begin doing lots of exercise. They know how often i go to the gym, roughly 5-6 days a week and my sister often works out at the same time/with  me. Also they see the huge meals i eat and when i go back for more, which isnt posted online. It can be annoying when you feel yourself being analyzed at times, but i dont personally mind because i have nothing to hide or be worried about. Of course i think it is great that my mum has discussions like this. Because then i can tell her exactly my thoughts regarding food and exercise. Its important to have dicussions like that with your family, but also because if someone has had an eating disorder it is easier to relapse or to develop another eating disorder. And unfortunatly many people who "recover" from eating disorders just turn to exercise and "clean eating" to control their food, and it is a problem, it isnt healthy if its an obsession or due to control issues. But if i can talk about my thoughts and how i think regarding those subjects then we have an open discussion and she doesnt have to be worried. I do understand her, and other peoples worry, especially when it comes to exercising so often. 

Anyway, this post became very long, but i thought it was a good thing and instead of being irritated or angry like i would have been in the past, when hiding secrets. Now i see it as a positive thing, she does it now and again and it is good :) 

Onto some of the photos my step dad took today!
(Had run 9,5km at this point and i was pretty tired, but kept a smile on my face anyway!)
(Photos are unedited - as all my photos are. But usually when my step dad takes photos he fixes the lighting and that, but today he didnt have time :))















3 flies swallowed and lungs that dont want to co operate. (Post race thoughts)

Hello :)

Sitting down and thinking over the past hour or so. Everytime i run a race it feels so weird, so surreal.... caught up in this little bubble of competition. Getting through the course and passing the finish line. Everything else fades out of my mind, the only thing is one foot infront of the other. Not like my normal runs when i get creative thoughts and ideas and i still remember life around me. But during races, then it's a differnt type of run. But i love it!!

I got to the area of the race and it was not so well organized, i had no idea where to  pick up my race number, no idea where the start was so ended up having to ask several people for directions. But finally i got my race number, i found the start line and then sat in the sun (not a good idea) and mentally prepared myself. Even if 10km isnt that much for me, it always feels like more when its a race. The first 2km was all smiles and happiness, running motivation coming back but then it sort of went down hill and my lungs said no. My body wasnt getting the oxygen needed as my lungs werent co operating and getting the air they needed so it was a struggle which wasnt helped by the heat and numerous hills that the course entailed. Slowing down slightly, taking deep breathes, reminding myself to "just breathe", and hoping that the stomach cramps starting to creep in werent going to get worse. Sometime after 7/8km it got better and then it was just to keep running.... but the last 200m, i just wanted to stop and my mind kept telling me "walk. walk. walk", and then it was a mental battle. My legs, lungs and body tired. But i passed the finish line with a time around 51 minutes, plus minus a few seconds and then it was just to sit and breathe for a while.





The fun thing was that my family had come to watch me run, i didnt know that they were going to do that so then when i was running the last 500m and i saw them it gave me so much energy and happiness! And to get some hugs and even a rose from them! I love it, i love when someone is there for me at the finish line, i dont expect it anymore as i run too many races, haha. But it is always nice :)





Then they drove me to my boyfriends place where i showered, made myself pancakes as post run and now i am debating whether i have the energy to take myself to my friends house or not. We'll see :)



Btw, can i just take a moment to appreciate that pancake porn? hahaha. Seriously, sooo good!!!


I think my step dad took some photos while i ran, not sure how i looked... exhausted, but i might post them when i get them :)  


And also... like the title says, during the run i swallowed 3 flies and got one caught in my eye. Extra protein or something like that? :)