Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Important life reminders

I personally love seeing quotes and reminders like these from time to time. They make me think and remind me of certain things i need to/should remember.

Your mind will always believe everything you tell it. Feed it faith. Feed it truth. Feed it with love.:
365 Happiness Project 2017 – Quote 73:
I really like this quote, but I don't think this would truly take just one day. You'll have to fight for much longer, survive for much longer, persevere for much longer. And the truth is some of us won't get there. The world is too unforgiving for that. However, I do believe that even if we never reach a position where we can stop caring, friends and family will be the comfort you need.: "Find balance... breathe, trust and let go." I love this, from beginning to end.:


spilled ink prose love it's not pretty but it is true:

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Struggling with anxiety

I apologize for the lack of update today, but today has been a very tough day mentally.

I've felt overwhelmed with anxiety and the type of anxiety that leads to physical pain and discomfort. Where my stomach turns into a knot, i lose my appetite, i get a headache, feel tired and unmotivated and just this uncomfortable and heavy feeling. Anxiety weighing heavy on my shoulders - and not even sure what the anxiety stems from. And then this evening the anxiety turned into sadness.... wanting to cry for no apparent reason (and no, its not hormones. Does anyone else hate when people try to belittle your feelings or emotions by saying "its just your hormones"... whether its hormones or not doesnt matter) and just longing to spend time with my family and my dog again. Feeling lonely and sad and anxious... thats how my day has been spent. And i more than ever just want to sleep and want this day to be over, but as ive slept away most of the day i'll most likely be up half the night with the anxious feelings and sadness.

I am not writing this for attention - and also I KNOW that within 24-48 hours i'll most probably feel better. But i am writing this mostly to show that yes, i do struggle with anxiety. Yes i do have bad days and sometimes life is tough even if life is amazing 99% of the time. There are days and periods in life where it just feels tough. But also that unfortunatly life isnt always amazing despite recovering from an eating disorder.... but most importantly, to show the truth and to be honest. No one is happy 24/7. People have bad days... and i am not ashamed to admitting that i have bad days and days where i can barely get out of bed. And times when i just try to sleep through the anxiety or sit and just stare at a wall, trying to sort of my thoughts and feelings and emotions. Not everyday is easy, but i know that life is worth it.

It scares me in a way to post these types of posts as i am worried that potential managers might find my blog and read a post like this and then think that i am not a good job candidate because of anxiety. But that is not the case, despite feeling this way i still get up and do what i have to. Fight through the anxiety to do what needs to be done. But i dont want to deny how i feel either or just put on a smile and pretend that today has been easy, because it hasnt... i have felt awful, i have felt tired and sad and anxious... and just wanted these feelings to go away. And i know they will....

Writing helps me to deal with these feelings, which is why i write on here. But also to share and be honest on here, i think that is very important. Transparency and honesty and not being ashamed of the bad days.

Just like i share the good times in my life i also share the bad times.

Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day... and i hope that you have all had a good day or atleast manage to make tomorrow a better day!!!

Depression: You don't know why you're exhausted? You're fighting a war inside your head every single day. If that's not exhausting I don't know what is.
Supporting a Loved One Through PTSD or Panic Attacks .....Helpful tips for the supporters to handle every PTSD or anxiety episode........... Safety Anchoring, Touch (Use with extreme caution!), recuperating, talk and plan ahead.....Learn more......:

I dont have an eating disorder because...

“I eat too much!”There is no maximum calorie limit for eating disorders. An eating disorder is not about what you eat, but how you eat- your feelings/thoughts about your body and your intake.
I’m not underweight!”The majority of people who develop an eating disorder will never become underweight. The only disorder that is diagnosed based partially on weight is anorexia- and for that, if you’re an average weight but meet every other criteria, you’ll still be diagnosed with ‘atypical anorexia nervosa’. It doesn’t mean you aren’t sick or that you don’t need help.
“I don’t meet the anorexia/bulimia guidelines!”OSFED (formerly known as EDNOS) is not a ‘failed’ eating disorder. It is every bit as serious as anorexia or bulimia. It is also the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder, meaning more people have this than anorexia or bulimia.
I don’t make myself sick!”Vomiting is only one form of purging. You can have bulimia, anorexia or OSFED/ARFID and not make yourself sick.
“I still eat!”So does everybody else. You can’t photosynthesise, after all. Even people with eating disorders eat.
“I feel like a fake/ a fraud!”So does basically every single other eating disordered person. This is a really, really, really, really common feeling. You might feel guilty for ‘misleading’ other people into believing the problem is more serious than it is, or feel like you’re overblowing things. That’s totally normal and it is not true. You are not a fake or a fraud.
“I eat things that no real anorexic would eat!”
I have known eating disordered patients with these safe foods: chocolate, frozen meat pizza, fruit, ice cream cones, potatoes, granola
I have known eating disordered patients with these fear foods: : chocolate, frozen meat pizza, fruit, ice cream cones, potatoes, granola
Safe/fear foods are not based on logic or reason. They are individualised. There are even people who don’t have any fear foods- they’ll eat anything, they’ll just feel crappy and purge it/ restrict afterwards. All of the experiences described here are those of a person with an eating disorder.
“I’ve never been inpatient!”Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.
“I’ve never been tube fed!”Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.
I’ve never been near death!”Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.
My blood work/ blood pressure is fine!Eating disorders affect different bodies in different ways. Some people find their blood work suffers; others find their blood pressure or pulse dips; others find that, whilst they’re suffering hugely mentally, their bodies hold up well. This is not a measure of how ‘sick’ you are. All of these things- weight, bp, pulse etc- are just symptoms of the sickness. The sickness is in your head.
“I don’t feel sick enough.”
You never will. Sorry. “I’m not sick enough!” is one of the most common ED thoughts there is; please don’t listen to it. It is a lie. Do not compare your misery to someone else’s; nobody with stage I cancer says ‘yeah, but that person is a stage III, so I’m not really that bad and I won’t get any treatment yet’.
I still get my period!”‘Period loss’ has been removed from the DSM as necessary for a diagnosis of anorexia, and no other eating disorder requires it. It was viewed as a flawed measure of illness, and so it has been removed. Whether or not you get your period is not an indication of how ill you are.
“But I binge eat without throwing up”Binge eating disorder is a newly added eating disorder in the DSM, where people eat large amounts of food in an ‘out of control’ manner but then do not compensate inappropriately for it. It is very much a real eating disorder.
“I don’t calorie count/ weigh myself!”I know many people with eating disorders- including anorexia- who have never calorie counted, or who don’t own a pair of scales. It’s not required for diagnosis.
“I think about food all the time!”This is a symptom of an eating disorder. Malnutrition causes the brain to focus 100% of its attention on food- finding it, getting it, eating it. Daydreaming or fantasizing about food does not mean you are not sick; quite the opposite, in fact.
“But I enjoy eating!”
Most people do. Eating is enjoyable. Even in the depths of my restriction, the food I ate brought me great pleasure. It’s linked to the previous point, to a certain extent. Enjoying food does not mean you don’t have an ED.
“But this is just how I am!”Eating disorders often start in early childhood, and it can be hard to break out of a pattern that well-entrenched. It’s not impossible, though. Chronic eating disorders can be harder to beat, but they can be beaten.
For more information on eating disorders and what to do if you think you have one, visit

Dont take your negativity out on others

Over the years of blogging i dont know how much hate i have received - alot to say the least. Many comments deleted, many hateful emails sent to me and different hurtful comments sent my way. However i am also very lucky because compared to others i have received very little hate and the negativity has been outweighed by all the positivity and supportive followers i have. So the few hateful messages are just needles in a haystack of positivity.

However one of the things i have also noticed over the years is that many who sent me hate end up emailing me back months or years later to apologize for the messages they sent me. To apologize for their hate towards me and have said that their hate and hurtful messages stemmed from their own feelings or jealousy. Their anger and their eating disorder - not believing that a person can actually recover from an eating disorder, not believing that someone can love their body or workout to be healthy - not just to change your appearance or to lose weight. Not believing that you can eat without compensation or realising that my life is more than just food even if that is what i do post about on here. Over the years i dont know how many times ive been accused of still being sick or lying about being recovered, despite people only reading/seeing what i post online. But many of those who accused me of being sick have later sent me messages apologizing and saying that they just didnt believe true recovery was possible or that a person could be happy or healthy again - until they achieved that goal themselves.

It makes me happy when people do email me back and are able to say sorry even if i have moved on from their messages and their comments. It makes me happy that the person can atleast look back and realise that what they said was wrong, but most of all makes me happy that the people have been able to recover and to hopefully feel healthy and recovered and happy and realise that i am not lying about that full recovery is possible if you work towards it. 

I do realise that an eating disorder can turn people into someone they arent. While i was sick i would say awful things and think awful thoughts about people when i had alot of anxiety. I was bitter, angry, jealous.... i didnt understand how people could be happy, healthy and carefree. It made me jealous, even if i never said anything and never wrote any messages or such there were definitely times i felt bitterness and anger towards people who seemed so happy. So i understand that that can be the case for some of my followers... maybe you see my blog or read my posts and feel anger and jealousy - How can she be happy? How can she be recovered? How can she eat like that? How and why can she workout and i cant? etc etc But just remember that those thoughts are your eating disorder and sending negativity or hate is never the answer. Instead realise that recovery is possible for  YOU as well. .Health and happiness is possible for YOU if you work towards it. You can be free and healthy and that goes for depression as well.

But also remember that no one ever forces you to follow my blog or anyone elses. It is YOUR choosing so if you do feel irritated or triggered or jealous or angry towards me, or anyone else you follow, then unfollow. Never ever send hate to anyone. Never send an angry or rude or nasty message to someone, it will never do any good. And if you do think someone is sick or unhealthy, it doesnt help to send them a message accusing them of being sick - it is family and friends and people close to the person who has to step in. Not random people online - so even if you think you are helping by accusing someone of eating too little, lying or still being sick it infact wont do any good at all.

This is just some thoughts i wanted to share. I understand that the hate i get isnt personal and most likely stems from some emotion within the person sending the message. And i am good at brushing off hate and negativity. But it still baffles me at times that people can sit down and spend time and energy to write hateful and hurtful messages to someone they dont even know.... that energy could instead be spent on figuring out why you are hateful and bitter and what you can do about it. Or maybe just writing out your thoughts and feelings on a piece of paper and not sending anonymous hate to people online. But like mentioned above.... many have eventually apologized to me which is kind of nice in a way, hahah. I dont think many people recieve apologies after receiving anonymous negativity... but like mentioned, i think its because the hate comes from the eating disorder and not from the actual person, but instead strong emotions and feelings and its easier to put that hate on someone else than to deal with the actual emotions behind the feelings.

And to end this post. I just want to say thank you for all my kind and supportive followers/friends. You mean so much to me and i am just happy i can help and that 98% of all the messages i recieve are positive and put a huge smile on my face when reading them!!! So keep spreading and sharing positivity and remember - unfollow people who you dislike or trigger you and never send anonymous hate. Instead write it on a piece of paper and tear that piece of paper up and then move on with your life! Instead, send anonymous compliments and positivity that will help the world and yourself and others in a much better way!

Image result for send compliments

Monday, March 27, 2017

Monday - planning for the future and strawberries and cream.

Good evening everyone :)

Its 9.30pm here in Sweden and im sitting here munching on chocolate chips to satisfy my sweet tooth after dinner, and just spent the last hour making plans for the future. Feeling hopeful and excited and ready to work for my goals. Nothing in life comes for free, work and time and effort has to be put in to reach your goals and that is exactly what i plan to do.  Just need to try to figure out planning and logistics and see if i can actually turn my ideas into reality!

Today has just flown by like crazy. An early morning start, trying to get back into routine and back into the gym again. Though i cant say that the workout went so well, i am feeling a little "off" from the gym at the moment... hard to explain but like the motivation just isnt there. So instead i think ill just continue going for walks until i feel that motivation and spark to strength train again... no need to force myself to the gym if i just go there and dont feel super excited. My motivation will be back again sometime!

After that it was study on my own in school - only 3 more study days left until my test. And i am more than ready to just get it over with... at this point it just feels like i am rereading my notes over and over and getting caught up in the smallest of details which  i usually do when i study. Instead trying to focus on the bigger picture which is often what the tests are about.

And then when i got home again it was time for a snack - defrosted strawberries with cashew nuts, chocolate chips, soy whipped cream and a saffron cookie. And then i added some oatmilk and stevia once the picture was taken!





After my snack i actually fell asleep for an hour or so... not so sure why. Ive been feeling extra tired recently and not sure whether its due to lack of a vitamin or mineral or if i just generally feel a little bit out of balance, or it might even be an infection/bacteria in my lungs as i defintely feel that my CF health and breathing is alot harder at the moment. So im going to talk to my doctor and maybe start on antibiotics - again - which will hopefully help. Even if the 2 weeks im on the antibiotics they make me tired and make my mood go up and down, but in the long term its worth it.

And then after that it was just to spend some time with my room mates, make dinner and then i started with my "putting ideas onto paper and into action" and now updating my blog :)

A long, rather productive day... with a nap in the middle, hahah.

I hope you have all had a lovely Monday and a good start to the new week.

Seeking professional care/treatment

When i first began struggling and stopped eating(and begun purging) i didnt think it was strange and it didnt ring any bells for myself or my family (though it was very secretive). But i thought, who cares if i dont eat breakfast or lunch, i eat dinner. And then with purging, i first began purging due to food poisoning but even after the food poisoning i kept purging and didnt think it was anything strange, though when i was still purging several weeks and months later i began to realise it wasnt normal, but it took more than a year for my family to actually realise what i was doing. Eating disorders are secretive and the signs and symptoms arent always obvious, the person who is sick wants to hide what they are doing.

With this post though i want to talk about seeking help or talking to people. I know that treatment can be expensive and not everyone has the funds to actually receive treatment and sometimes the first treatment you receive isnt the best. But there is always someone you can talk to, even if it is an eating disorder hotline or suicidal hotline. There is always someone you can talk to.

But i also want to bring up the fact that blogs and online sites arent always enough, and it is important to get some sort of help or treatment. I love that my blog can help you and act as a sort of first step or give you some advice, but it is not always enough. For some, it is and that is absolutely great but i do ALWAYS suggest that seeking professional help should be the first step. It is hard, i know. I have never willingly seeked help and the treatment i received was because i was forced into treatment, so unfortunately i am not such a great role model on the front of seeking professional help. But that doesn't stop me from advising others to do it, because it is helpful. And if you dont recieve help for some reason then online help can be great, but having support around you and someone you can talk to is important.

It is not always easy to talk to others or ask for help, but it is a first step and a very important step. If you dont ask for help you will never know whether you receive it or not. So you have to gather the courage and talk to someone and also realise that you need help. You need to want to recover for yourself and your life. Know that recovery may be tough, but it is worth it, i promise you that!! Life has its ups and downs but life is so much easier and so much better when you arent suffering from an eating disorder.

So if you have kept your eating disorder a secret or you feel yourself relapsing or you are struggling, this week i want you to ask for help. Whether you talk to your family, friends, school nurse, therapist, doctor, hotline... talk to someone and ask for help because you deserve help and deserve to get better!!



"It’s Time to Talk About It
The National Eating Disorders Association’s free Information and Referral Helpline is a safe and confidential place to ask questions, find support and receive free information and referrals. We are available Monday - Thursday 9am-9pm & Friday 9am-5pm Eastern Time. Our volunteers receive intensive training on eating disorders, and are here to guide you!  
The  NEDA Helpline can be contacted at (800) 931-2237info@nationaleatingdisorders.org, and through our click-to-chat feature on our website at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org  
You may also find information and referrals to eating disorders experts on our website at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org."