Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Eat food you enjoy - look forward to the time when you can make your own food choices and eat the food you like

I think one of the best things with eating is when you eat something you really enjoy. When you just feel happiness and enjoyment because the food is so good... .I really hope that you can all feel that way someday, or have learnt to feel that way about food.

When you are recovered/healthy you get to make the choices over what you eat, because unfortunatly when you are in recovery you often have to eat food which you dont like, for example i was forced to eat alot of red meat which i disliked, but now have the choice to not eat it, and i also had to eat foods which i generally dont like but had to show that i could eat them but also prove to myself that i could eat the food and be fine. During recovery i didnt have much choice over what i ate, but my dietician did try to add foods which  i said i had liked before my eating disorder, to my meal plan.  When i began to eat more intuitevly and could make food choices for myself, but also not feel the compulsion to choose the lowest kcal option then i really began to enjoy food again. Because then i could make choices to eat food i like.

And that is the awesome thing about being healthy, free and recovered from my eating disorder. That the food i eat, i LOVE. It tastes great to me, even if it is weird combinations at times. And even if i eat similar meals daily it is because i love the food and/or the food combo and its what i want to eat.

Food and eating is so much more fun and enjoyable when you eat something you like. But also having the freedom and choice of what you want to eat. I dont eat or buy food i dont like, for example i dont like stor bought buns, croissants, cakes, biscuits etc but i love home made ones, so if i crave things like that then ill bake some. And somedays all i want is vegetables with salt and thats what ill eat, i dont feel the need to have to eat a certain way. I.e if i want vegetables and quorn for breakfast, ill eat that.... and somedays i might want breakfast food for lunch or dinner and thats ok and sometimes i will eat an extra dinner before bed because that is what i am craving. And that is what makes food so enjoyable for me, that i eat the foods i enjoy and crave. I mean nobody really likes having to force food they dont like into them.

So look forward to the days when you can choose what you want to eat and to eat all your favourite foods!! Of course it should be a balance as well, i mean i love vegetables but i also love chocolate, but i eat a balance of the two... because if i ate chocolate all the time it wouldnt taste as good but also if the only thing i ate was vegetables then that would get boring and wouldnt taste as yummy anymore, so mixing between the two (and of course everything else in between, hahaha... there is more food than vegetables and chocolate!)

Also, if you ever lose your appetite for some reason whether its stress, hormones, illness then try eating a favourite food/food combo. That is what helps me...  If i ever lose my appetite for some reason, but i know i need to eat then i'll eat foods which i know are my favourite and know i will be able to enojy even if i dont feel so hungry or feel the desire/need to eat.

Food should be enjoyed, not just seen as a "Must" or a "Have to". .I always feel sorry for people who say they hate eating and would prefer to just take a pill that has all the nutrients and energy... i mean how boring would that be?  Think of all the different tastes, food combos and different new foods you would miss out on. Food should be enjoyed, and that is what you should aim for. to enjoy food (though of course, not let food be the only thing in your life or develop a food addiction, that isnt good either. Food is yummy and delicious, but being addicted to food and always thinking about food or being unable to stop eating, that isnt good either. But thats a post on its own.)

Find the enjoyment in food and eating. Trying new combinations and new foods!!!

And if you have a favourite food/food combo, feel free to share below :) By now i am sure you all know my favourite foods!!!

Binge eating and all or nothing thinking - lookback post & masterpost

I found this post in my drafts and was written back in 2012 when i was struggling with binge eating. I wasnt so honest about my struggles back then so i never published the post, but now when i read back on it i think its something that needs to be shared.

Somethings i have learnt in my life:

Not eating a slice of cake when its offered because you are trying to save calories or trying to be healthy, but then going home and binging on chocolate is not healthy.

Either drinking no alcohol or drinking everything because you feel you cant have just one or two drinks, is not healthy.

Not eating a burger when you are out with friends because you are scared of the calorie amount and then going around thinking about burgers all the time is not healthy.

Feeling so guilty that you force yourself to run in the cold and dark after eating a proper home cooked meal is not healthy.

Restricting myself in the morning, knowing that i will binge in the evenings is not healthy.

Binging on 'healthy foods' because i have restricted and deprived myself from other food does not make me healthy or make the binges ok.

Eating so much that i feel like exploding is not healthy and purging and starving myself is not healthy behaviours or a way to live life.

Secret eating and eating lots of food when noone is at home and then purging is not normal or healthy behaviour.

Drinking 3-4l of diet soda a day to try to curb my appetite is not healthy.

Written in present time:

When i found balance and no longer restricted myself from certain foods or told myself i couldnt eat anything the binges, the restriction and the guilty feelings started to go away. I struggled with an all or nothing type of think. I thought i was being healthy and saving calories by skipping meals, knowing i would binge later.  I never ate junk food around other people and i thought "im being so healthy", but then i would crave that food so badly that i would buy the food later and eat lots and then purge when no one was home.... or even when family were at home i would purge because of the guilt.

I thought in black and white, if i ate one piece of chocolate i might as well eat the whole thing.... but then that triggered something in my mind and i couldnt control myself, my body wanted more... and i would eat quite huge amounts and then the guilt would overcome me and i would compensate both through purging, laxatives and exercise. On the outside i seemed alot healthier - my weight wasnt so low as it had been before, and when i was others i would still eat... even if i still ate very restrictevely as i knew i would binge later, so i wanted to "save" calories. But on the inside i was struggling so much and i've never been so honest about that period of my life nad something i havent told my family because i was so ashamed of those few months. It was the complete opposite of what i had been struggling with for so many years... suddenly i couldnt control myself around food... or well, in the morning and day i would eat very little but in the evenings i would just eat everything in sight. It was an awful time in my life and the black and white thinking didnt help.... i had to learn balance. I had to learn that eating a slice of cake in the middle of the week was ok, it wouldnt make me fat and it didnt make me unhealthy.... what did make me unhealthy was saying no to the cake when i  was out with my family and then secretly buying a cake and eating the whole thing and then purging... THAT made me unhealthy. If i had just eaten the slice of cake when i  wanted it and been happy with that, then it would have made me healthy.

Though there was the whole trigger thing because of the black and white/all or nothing thinking. I couldnt just eat a little, because then the damage was done  and i might as well eat everything. So learning to change that mindset, but also learning to nourish my body... learning to eat properly throughout the day. Not cut out carbs, not skip sleep, not do too much exercise... all of that helped me to find balance in my way of eating, my way of living and my way of thinking.

It took a lot of time, but the first step was to stop compensating..... you would think that the first step was to stop binging, but i had to go the other way..... i had to stop purging, stop using laxatives and stop exercising to compensate, and that in turn (even if incredibly difficult) made it easier to stop binging because my body was getting the calories and energy it so desperatly needed. And then tyring to balance my food, i focused on eating my 6 meals a day and returning to my meal plan... or well, slowly increasing back to the amount as i had been eating so little during the days, but i got back to my meal plan and with the threat of being back to day patient at Mando as i had lost weight during those months, it gave me motivation to keep fighting the voice in my head.  I knew that the way i was living at that time was not healthy even if i tried to seem healthy on the outside... i thought just eating salad and egg whites for lunch and going for jogs and runs would compensate for the fact that i had binged and purged in the evenings, i thought people would see me and think... she is so healthy, when in actuality i was still so unhealthy and even my salad and egg whites was so unhealthy.

Anyway, there is so much i could write about this topic.... binging, purging, laxative abuse, the secretiveness of binging, going from anorexia to bulimia/binge eating, black and white thinking... and i had written some posts (linked below) but if you want me to write more about my own experience of this, or any advice just let me know.

Because know that you arent alone with your struggles and unfortunatly going from restrictive to binging isnt uncommon, but it is something people dont want to talk about either as it is seen as so shameful. But i want to help as much as i can with my past experiences with everything from anorexia, purging, exercise addiction, self harm, binging, depression, extreme self hate, anxiety etc

If you do the things first written in this post, then please rethink your habits and do seek help!!! If you have developed a new eating disorder or gone from one to another, do seek help and talk to someone!!

Below are some posts related to this topic:

What is binge eating/bulimia and how to recover
Binging - masterpost
Anorexia to bulimia
Helpful recovery posts - masterpost
Binging and gaining weight after weight restoration
A single food wont make you fat or unhealthy
Black and white thinking
All or nothing thinking
Food for thought and moderation

A year from now life could be so different

Time might be tough right now and you might be struggling. Or maybe you are stuck in some situation you arent happy with. But think, a year from now life could be so much different. Of course that also means that you try to make a change, or allow change to happen, otherwise things will just keep being the same. But things generally change in long time frame, though a year really isnt such a long time frame.

Imagine, 365 days from now, life could be so much different either positive or negative. And thats the wonderful thing with life, that things you worry and stress about now will seem so insignificant and so unstressworthy in a few months or a year or years time. Of course some things take longer to change and a broken heart can take a long time to heal, but that will also heal.... the pain you feel now, will pass and soon be so little or no longer there at all.

Things that stress you now, things that cause you anxiety now..... they wont always be that way. It means actively making changes towards overcoming fears and anxieties, but also in a way, as time passes you learn, grow and change hopefully.

All those things in the past that scared you, that you thought you would never overcome..... here you are, still alive and you overcame all those things.

There have been so many times in my life i have thought i cant continue... when i was 14 i thought i would never live to be 16. When i was 16 i never thought i would celebrate my 18th birthday, and then after i turned 18 i thought i wouldnt be alive long enough to turn 20..... but here i am and have gotten through alll those times. All those times i didnt think i could keep going. All those stressful times and exams and due dates.... the times i thought the stress would never disappear and that i wouldnt be able to stand from all the pressure and stress weighing me down. But i got through those....
   I also fought my fears.... i ate the cake with cream which i thought i would gain 5kg of, i rested completed and fought the voice in my head telling me that resting was bad and that my body would change completely..... my body did not change and i just became stronger over my eating disorder. But back then, i never thought i would be free from the voice in my head.... i thought i would always live with those controlling thoughts and always counting calories, trying to burn calories and never able to really live life as i was far too caught up in my sick habits. But time passed and i grew and changed... even if some years i just got worse during the 365/366 days, but each year meant alot of change in different ways even if it was negative somtimes. But still.... so much can change, and isnt that pretty awesome? That all your worries now, they wont always be worries. Think about the difference a year can make, and a year isnt even that long.... Have one more year as a goal. Because things could be completely different a year from now.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

The important thing is to be happy

Tuesday morning and my thoughts at the moment

Helllo :)

How is everyone doing? :) I ask this question, yet nobody answers... hahaha. I guess it seems like i dont care, like i ask questions just because... but i do care. I love reading your comments and even if i amnt so good at answering, i try to answer as much as i can and when i have freetime, which isnt often, but if you're lucky you'll get a quick reply, hahah. But i do love to hear about your days, how you are doing and things like that,  I mean i write about my life and how im feeling - mostly, so its nice to read about your lives as well!! :)

Anyway, this morning i was very thankful for the amount of alarms i had turned on because my first alarm rang and i put it on snooze for 5 minutes and when it rang again, i turned on my bedside lamp checked my phone and began to scroll through instagram... though i fell asleep holding my phone, hahaha. But my alarm rang again 10 minutes later and that time i actually got!! My first thought though was, I cant wait until i can get back into bed again!

Otherwise something which i wanted to write and something i found so strange was that this morning i got this huge feeling of... I dont want to go back to stockholm this weekend. It is so strange... I mean i have basically everything in Stockholm, what i have here is school and my bed and such.... but i mean my favourite gym, my family, my dog, my boyfriend, my friends.... the "comfortable" is in Stockholm. But at the same time, i dont really want to go back there..... Even if i will most likely move back in summer - unless i get a job here and can continue to live in the apartment, but i will most likely move back in June. But I have this thing where, once i move i move on... and i dont look back. Each time i have moved house or apartment, the first few days i miss the "old" but then i move on, i settle in and get comfortable where i am and feel no need to go back. I think that is why i can move on so easily in most things in my life..... if i argue with someone, i dont hold grudges and i move on. If something negative happens, i move on....  I move forward and dont want to look back, instead i look into the future and try to live in the now.
   Its so strange, i never thought i would feel this way... but i dont miss home and i dont really miss stockholm either. Sure, there are pros and cons to both cities and both places.... but i like it here. I have it easy to adapt, to find my routines and habits and then i dont necessarily miss the old. I know once i go back on Thursday or Friday ill enjoy my time there... spending time with people i havent seen in a while, but at the same time..... i think its going to take alot for me to actually pack my bag and to travel back there, because at the moment i really dont want to.

And that also scares me in a sense, how easily i can just... move on? I sometimes think i am far too independant, and not in a good way. Because i am not the one calling people back home, they are the ones calling me.... and i dont know if its because i dont care, or what it is.... i cant even explain, its so confusing. Because i care, but at the same timei sometimes feel like i have a brickwall around me that stops me from having super relationships with people... even my family. I mean most people would miss their family if they moved away (and i know i dont live far away from them), but still... ive still moved away from my family and my home, but yet i dont miss it. Its all so confusing and i cant write this without making myself seem like i am stone cold and emotionless, even if that is at times how i would describe myself because i dont show emotion easily.....

I sometimes think this all has to do with my past. Ive felt abondoned each time i have been admitted to hospital and ive been scared to build relationships and been far to independant all my life, ive never really let people into my life and never been able to show emotion or ask people for help. Ive learnt to adapt in many different situations, and sort of "always been the one there for me" and so i dont rely on others, but in a sense i dont miss others then either... as i always have myself? Its so confusing, and this is all hoensty just my stream of thoughts in my head right now - hence why it may seem so confusing. But that is because i am also trying to process it and trying to understand why i feel the way i do? But its also got me questioning things like my relationship with my boyfriend.... but i dont want to get into that on here....

For now, i guess this is the way i feel. And i dont know why, but i felt i had to write these thoughts out. Try to put words to thoughts and it does work for me... to try to figure things out, even if it isnt so interesting for you, my readers... hahaha. Sometimes i just need to write my thoughts and express whats on my mind!!

When will you be happy with the way you look? Happiness comes from the inside

I think an important question to ask yourself is.... when will you be happy with the way you look? What is it you are aiming for and why do you believe it will make you happier? Long term happiness doesn't come from your body size shape or weight.
  Your body changes all the time, there isnt so much you can do about that, that is how the body is and how its made.

Instead you need to find happiness in other things... i mean even things like strength or speed etc they're great and that but in the end if your happiness is only in your progress at the gym or the speed of your run, then that will eventually let you down as well, because there will come a time when oyu cant run as fast or you arent as strong anymore. Instead you need to find happiness in friends, family, hobbies etc 

But back to the main topic of when will you be happy with your looks? I wasnt happy when i was super skinny, i wasnt exactly so happy before i became sick either... though then i didnt pay so much attention to my body so i dont know whether i was happy or not, i just lived in my body i didnt think about it so much.
   I felt happier in my body when i was recovered and a healthier weight, then when i began exercising too much feeling like i needed to change my body i didnt feel happy. It wasnt until i began focusing on loving my body for what it could and just how it looked right then that i felt happier and more confident. When i stopped focusing on changing my body, but accepting how it looked right then.... of course over the years my body has changed alot, but it hasnt been my purpose. My goal has been to be stronger and feel stronger, but changing my body has just happened because of the way i workout.
You needt o stop focusing on the negatives, on changing your body thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, because it isnt. Self love DOESNT come from having another body type, shape or weight. Body love and self love comes from INSIDE, from your mind and your thoughts. You can go up and down in weight, try to gain muscle or tone up or gain or lose fat, but you will still have a disordered body image and not feel happy until you begin focusing on your thoughts and focusing on loving your body from the inside out. Your appearance will change your whole life... think about if you become pregnant if you are a girl, or what happens if you injure yourself or something happens and you cant walk or you get burned or you lose an arm or leg.... life goes on, but as long as you dont base your happiness on your looks or being a certain weight or size then you can still be happy and feel happy.
What i think is a good thing to realise is that there are people who cant walk, people who only have one leg or one arm or people who have burn scars or skin conditions and such and they would do anything to have your body, have your healthy body .... but all you focus on is that little bit of fat on your stomach? You cry because you dont have a thigh gap when there are people who literally dont have legs or you think you are ugly because you have fat on your body? Think about those people who are covered in burn scars from accidents or have had to have loads of operations due to illnesses or such.
  Now of course, i dont believe in comparing people or peoples feelings, emotions or struggles. I.e if someone tells me that i shouldnt be stressed or sad because someone else is more stressed or has it worse than me. But sometimes you need to think realistically and ask yourself why are you panicking, hating yourself and thinking you are ugly or that you shouldnt be alive because you are ugly when there are people who would only dream of looking like you and having your healthy body?
   Just a little something to think about. 

You wont feel happier by losing a few kilo or not having any fat on your body. You will be happy when you accept and love yourself for who you are and how you look.