Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Trying to find peace when you have an inner stress

These past few weeks my sleep has been terrible... i've been lucky if i can sleep 6 hours, but its been around 4-6 hours each night. I havent felt that tired though which is nice, ive still had lots of energy but then at night ive just lain awake and havent been able to sleep. 

Yesterday and today i have been thinking about why i've felt this way. Why i havent been able to sleep and i think its because i feel this inner stress.... this nagging anxiety and stress inside of me. And i havent been able to pinpoint why or what it is, but when thinking about it i've realised its because i feel i just want some quiet time. I feel that what i need and want right now is to not have any 'musts'. To not have to be somewhere, to not have to travel, to not have things i have to do. To know that i dont have to be anywhere or do anything, and just be able to do nothing for a few days. To be on my own, to recharge and unwind. The only time i feel i have peace is when i am at the gym or out walking or running.... then its like i relax, the stress and weird feelings go away. I feel calm, relaxed and very happy. Though i still feel very happy and positive in general now anyway, even if i have these weird feelings. 

I think the first step is to realise what i feel and why and the second step is to do something about it. I think i need a day or a few days where i dont do so much, where i can get up at 11am if that is what i feel like... not feel like i have wasted the day then. Not have to be somewhere at 11am or do something at 12pm... just do whatever i feel like. On Friday i am going camping and hopefully that will help me relax... though i do have a little anxiety about it, which i think is adding to all these weird feelings. I dont know what to expect with camping, whether i will like it or not.... no control at all which is both positive and negative.  All these mixed feelings at the moment, hard to know what i really feel. 
  But i think it will be nice to come home this evening, to just relax somewhat. Though on Thursday its a day of having lots to do and then early Friday morning we leave... so not sure how much relax time i will actually get. But doing some colouring therapy will hopefully help!!! :)

Not sure why i am writing this, i think i just felt i needed to write out my thoughts and it helps a little. To clarify my thoughts and feelings!! :)

Also now that it is July 1st, my goal for this month is to get rid of these feelings and to try to get 8 hours sleep each night. Find time to mentally relax and not feel so stressed!

ED recovery problems

When people make ED jokes around me

(hahaha, i was actually told this.... to see inpatient as a vacation where i could just rest and eat... -_-' It is so much more than that, it is a mental battle and struggle every day, its not just to sit and eat.)



Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Wandering around Gothenburg

Good evening everyone :)
What an extremely long day today, i am ready to just go to bed and try to sleep atleast 8 hours, haha. But today has been a really good day. We left the hotel around 11am and then began wandering around Gothenburg. I actually really like the town... it is so small and cute and i began thinking, I could live here. If i were to get a job in Gothenburg, an apartment somewhere nice and close to some form of forest and close access to the actual town, then  i could move here. Take Daisy with me and study and work here. The people are so much calmer than in Stockholm and i like that... i am quite a stressful person so then when i am in Stockholm and everyone else is really stressed i get even more stressed and it's not a good combo. But here i felt so calm, mostly, though of course its summer time and there were alot of people everywhere for a while. But that cant always be avoided.
I like Gothenburg and i defintely want to come back, could even be a place i want to live/study!

But back to my day... we stopped at a cafe and ate lunch while sitting in the sun and then went to a park and just rested while listening to music. When we got back to the hotel we realised that we had both gotten badly sunburnt and had some very 'nice' tanlines, hahahah. Thats the worst about summer, all those fancy tanlines and looking like a lobster to begin with :)
   Then when we headed out to go for dinner, planning to go back to the same restaurant as yesterday (Because it was sooo good and the sweet potatoe fries were amazing there!), it was fully booked and no table availble until around 11pm, and it was the same for many of the other restaurants because Sweden was playing in the final football match, so everyone wanted to watch that. Finally we found a place and both feeling tired and hungry, we took the first best place and thought it would be good.... though i was not so satisfied with what i ordered. A tiny piece of chicken, some potatoes and a weird tasting sauce.... i ate it all because i was so hungry but it didnt taste so good and wasnt as filling as i had hoped for so afterwards i went into a foodstore to get some snacks which i could eat to fill me up some more :)

All in all a really nice day, though a long one. Tomorrow we are heading home but we have half the day to spend doing something and wandering around anyway which is good :)

How mcuh exercise is too much? How much do you need to rest?

How do you know when you have don't 'too much'? Or you need rest? Some times I get the feeling as if I'm out of control with exercise and sports and don't know when to stop and never feel completely satisfied with how much I've done. How much rest a week do you think is 'healthy' or 'normal'

When you begin to exercise you often need more rest as your body is not used to exercising so you can feel more training pain and extra tiredness. Though as you begin to exercise more you can find its harder to tire yourself out as well as not feeling as much DOMS, which can lead people to think that they didnt workout enough, But DOMS usually just happens when you do something different and shock your muscles, if you dont get it it doesnt mean that you didnt workout hard enough.

How long should a workout be...? That depends on how you are feeling at the moment and what you are doing. Somedays i just do a 30/40 minute workout where i just do deadlifts or certain exercises, other times i have lots of energy and i do intervals, 80 minutes strength training followed by headstands and stretching and the whole workout takes 2 hours or more. That doesnt mean i am overdoing it that day, it just means i have more energy. But generally speaking you dont need to do more than an hour... i would stick to 30-90 minutes, as more isnt really necessary. (But remember a 20 minute walk/20 minute yoga session/20 minute run etc etc is STILL EXERCISE AND A WORKOUT.)

I would recommend 2-3 rest days a week for best results and maximal energy each workout :) How many rest days i take per week depends on different factors.

If you find that you always want to do more and more then i would recommend that you workout with someone else. Or make a workout plan which you follow and stick to that and not do 'too much'. Instead try to listen to your body... it can be tough because we are always told that 'more is better', that you are supposed to be tired, its supposed to be hard. But sometimes its too hard and not a good hard, but an exhausted tired and hard.
 A good way to know if you arent resting enough is if you feel that your progress is going backwards and you feel more tired or feel that you arent capable of as much as you could do then you know that your body needs more rest. 

Remember that rest is important and it is part of a normal and healthy workout plan, so dont skip it. If you find that you cant rest then you need to ask yourself whether your attitude to exercise is healthy or not.

Below are some posts which might be helpful for you:
Feeling like your workout wasnt good enough
Beginning to workout again
Let yourself relax
Finding balance with exercise
Exercise addiction - masterpost
Listening to your body
Urge to exercise

How to cope on Blah days

1. Recognise that it’s a feeling – and our moods go up and down. Shrug your shoulders, grit your teeth and choose to make it through the day. Nothing’s really wrong – and there is nothing wrong with you. It’s just the way you’re feeling – and our feelings usually change.
2. Don’t be hard and condemn yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling miserable and blah, or for feeling apathetic and low on energy. Be patient, understanding and gentle with yourself. You’re no worse than others as we ALL have blah days
3. Do something rather that nothing. Do a few mindless tasks so you don’t just waste the day – and you’re likely to feel better once those you’ve got those out the way as they’re usually the things that you never want to do!
4. Only do as much as you have to. It’s going to take all your strength just to make it through the day. Preserve your energy – and allow some things to slide. You can always get round to them another day.
5. Be extra nice to yourself. One of the best ways to fight a bleary day is to be nice to yourself and to do the kinds of things that help to lift your mood and to brighten up your day. For example, go out for a coffee, or have a bubble bath, turn up your favourite music or call a bunch of friends. Do all the kinds of things you know will help to boost your mood.
6. Remind yourself that it’s likely to pass. A bad day is just a day. It’s not the whole of your life. It just means that right now you want to crawl back into bed. It doesn’t mean your goals are wrong or that you won’t succeed in life! You’re just having a bad day – and it’s likely to pass.

Source: onlinecounsellingcollege:

Tuesday morning and talk about bad body image days

Good morning :)

Its a new day and the sun is shining here in Sweden and its expected to be around 15-20 degrees and sun :) Yayy!! Sunshine and good weather always put me in a good mood :)

However mentally i am having one of those awful body image days. Its strange how quickly it can go when you look in the mirror... from one second thinking you look good and feeling great/happy and suddenly you look a little too closely or a little too long and all these thoughts start popping up in your head. Negative thoughts about my body, myself, my personality.... like every little flaw, every negative thing about myself starts swirling around in my mind. Today is one of those days where i just dont feel good in my body at all, and would prefer to not do anything, not be around anyone.... but that is just silly thoughts. 
  Why am i writing this? Well, too show that bad body image days can still happen even after you recover. You can still have days where you feel down about your body image, feel like your 'too big' but the important thing is to not let those thoughts control you. These thoughts might take up some place in my brain today, but i am going to push past them. Be as positive and happy as possible and not let these thoughts stop me, but also keep eating like normal. These thoughts will pass and i will be back to my normal thinking and feeling positive in my body :)

My best tips for when you feel like this:
Try to avoid the mirror and avoid looking at yourself too much. It doesnt help... fat isnt a feeling, its something else. Maybe im a little tired, everything is new and different and i am doing so much more so need to make sure i get enough energy, because often when i am very low on energy then i can get these types of thoughts. So when you get the 'fat feelings' and not feeling good in your body, make sure to eat enough ,get enough rest and do nice things for yourself. Think positive thoughts, even if its just something simple like... my hair doesnt look so bad. Or some other positive thought which is the first step to changing your thoughts :)

Anyway, i have the habit of writing too much about things i hadnt planned on writing about - the nice thing about having a blog and just writing your thoughts!

Our plans today are to wander around Gothenburg and take the day as it comes/do what we feel like doing :)

Below you see my load up breakfast for the day!!

The looks i got when i sat there with 2 plates and  bowl of yoghurt infront of me XD i dont think people thought i could eat it all XD Though really, its not that much food and i am aware of that!