Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Double chocolate brownie batter overnight oats

DOUBLE-CHOCOLATE BROWNIE BATTER OVERNIGHT OATS
 
INGREDIENTS

1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/3 cup almond milk, or sub another milk
1/2 teaspoon truvia, or sub another sweetener
1/2 teaspoon unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tablespoons dry brownie mix (or additional 1 teaspoon cocoa powder)
1/2 cup old fashioned oats
Optional: small handful of miniature chocolate chips

INSTRUCTIONS
  1. In a small bowl, whisk together the applesauce, vanilla, milk, truvia, cocoa powder, and dry brownie mix until combined.
  2. Stir in the oats.
  3. Place into a tighly re-sealable jar or tupperware in the fridge overnight.
  4. In the morning, top with miniature chocolate chips and stir throughout. This is optional but makes these "double-chocolate." For a healthier option, you could use dark chocolate chips.
  5. I enjoy these oats cold, but if desired you can put them in the microwave for about 30 or so seconds.

Eating in public

One of the tough things in recovery can be to start eating with others or eating in public.
  For me eating in public was one of the harder things in recovery i had alot of failed attempts. I had all these thoughts that people would judge me for what i ate... i felt like i HAD to just take water, otherwise the people around me would judge me and think im fat. But at the same time i had thoughts telling me that i just looked sick if i had just water, that i had to atleast take something... So it often resulted in me taking water and a black coffee or green tea, because then i atleast took something.

For me 2 factors which played a role in my developing my ED (Or what i think is factors anyway) is when a teacher commented on what i ate for lunch when i was11 and then when i was 12,5 i changed toa  new bigger school. And when we sat and ate lunch it felt like everyone was staring at me, judging me. So i decided it was easier to just not eat at lunch than to feel like everyone was looking at me.

So yes, for a very long time ive had problems with thinking people judge me for what and how i eat, but also what i hate is when people look at me when i eat. This is something i am fine with now, i can sit with strangers and eat, or sit on my own in public and eat. But for a VERY long time, i struggled with eating with strangers or even eating on my own.
  If i was with my mum or sister at home i felt i could atleast eat something without feeling judged, though what i hated most was that they were actually making me eat. But i wasnt worried about being judged.

If you have the same type of problems as i did, or the same type of thoughts then below is some tips and advice on what to think about/cope.

Realise that nobody else is judging you apart from yourself: When you are self conscious or worried about soemthing you feel like everyone is looking at you, but thats not the case. Its just that YOU are looking more at others and noticing small things more than usual. When it comes to eating, yes people may look at you, look at what you ordered but do they judge you? Well not in the same way you judge yourself.
 
Think like this: The way you look around you, notice what someone else orders and the thoughts you have... well they are the same that others have.
  But you have to realise that what others think DOESNT MATTER! If you are a vegan or vegetarian you are bound to get questions of why you ordered without meat or why you said you dont eat kebab etc But feel no obligation to explain yourself, people will always ask or even interrogate or try to give you some type of information.
 
Look around you, other people are eating. So you can ASWELL.  Eating is a social thing, its part of living life. If you think about it, you go to cafes with friends, you order snacks at the cinema, you go out to eat with your partner or family, or you go for picnics in summer. You eat snacks when watchinga  movie, you eat snacks when you go to fgriends houses etc
  And there is nothing wrong with that. If you continuously say no to these types of events or just dont eat when you do go you restrict yourself alot.
   And actually, people are more likely to judge you if you dont eat than if you do!!

Face the fear!!! This is the most important. For me, it took several attempts to be ok with actually eating in public... the first time i was going to eat on my own in public i ended up standing in a bathroom, eating a little and then not being able to eat anymore because of anxiety. The first time i was going to eat lunch in school again after almost 2 years all i could eat was a tiny portion because i felt uncomfortable eating alot, in case of being judged.
  But i worked against the fear and the anxiety. The first time might not have been easy, but it gets easier.
 Having a coping mechanism... a way to cope with the anxiety and face the voice in your head when you are in a situation which gives you anxiety or panic. Take deep breaths.

Try to  not care about the people around you, focus on your goal and your task. (Or what to call it ;)) Take deep breaths and remind yourself its ok to eat, everyone else does it. Everyone else around you is eating.

A good thing to also do is to sit in public say in a cafe and to see what others eat... Ok,. this sounds like a sick thing, i know. I used to always stare at what other people ate. This can either be a negative thing, but it can also be a positive thing. Because you see how others eat, how a normal portion is. You realise that people of all shapes of sizes eat, that food is part of living. You cant live life without food.

I feel like this post has become very messy (im sorry about that!). But basically - Face the fear and anxiety. Keep trying, even if you cant do it the first time. Go back and try again. Find a way to cope with the anxiety. Have a motto to keep you going and to remind yourself that its ok. And DONT care what others think, they arent judging you. You are the one judging yourself!!



Busy Thursday

After spending the day at home yesterday and consuming loads of saffron buns (my absaloute favourite)! Im now feeling more energized and ready to go to schoool. Howeer a long day awaits me with things to do almost every moment of the day. But im hoping i can find time for myself some part of the day, or some moment when i can just sit down and think of other things not related to my school work.
   
Once again thank you for all the kind words and what you think :) It has heped alot... for now nothing is decided, i have too much else going on in my life to make any serious decision right now anyway. So ill wait and see how i feel in a while.... because there is no point make a snap or drastic decision after just a few days of feeling a certain while. I would rather wait a long time and see how i feel then..... like my tattoos - i had thought about both of them (where i wanted them, what they would say, how they would look etc) for a year or so before i got them. So no drastic or spontaneous decisions here :)

I hope you all have a lovely day and STAY STRONG!
^^Yesterday evening, after eating loads of saffron buns both my sister and I has excess energy so went for a long walk out in the cold and dark. But it was nice as well, going for evening walks arent as bad as ive always thought they were :)

10 000 kcal challenge

So i came across this video this evening:


I didnt even know such a challenge existed... at first i thought it would be kind of fun to do... both for myself, but even to my readers... to show that one day i would eat 10 000 kcal (or something ) and show you all that nothing bad happens. That even if i were to gain weight its not the end of the world.
  But seeing the video and seeing how she literally has to force the food into her at the end, makes me a little less keen of the challenge. Because having to force food into me... that just reminds me of my time at Mando. Maybe not the most fun thing to do...
  But then again, i know that i have a LARGE stomach and LARGE apetite, so if i were to eat lots of nuts (i can easily eat 100-200g within a day), lots of raisins, avocado, chocolate etc im sure i could reach the 10 000, but then again 10 000 is ALOT of food, i mean its the equivalent of around 18-20 100g bars i.e almost 2kg chocolate..... or 2kg nuts?
  My stomach says i can do it, but my mind knows that my stomach is lying.. hahahah

But who knows, maybe on my birthday?I mean im going to a buffet and going to eat cake etc...

But i think watching the video and realising that eating alot of calories isnt something bad... eating 10 000kcal is a bit excessive, but i mean eating say 4000 kcal, if you try... it wouldnt be that hard to eat it. Something which i thought about was her sister, how she also ate waffles, burritos, pizza etc and she was just eating normally (im guessing?)

Another thing i thought about while watching the video was how for those who struggling with binge eating and eating say 3000-5000kcal in one go during a binge... showing how that isnt normal or healty. For most people, just one day of eating so much junk food or so much food made her feel tired and she just looked exhausted of food etc...
   Basically what im trying to get to is that eating such huge amounts at one time isnt healthy and for people who binge - maybe this is a realisation for you - though i know its a mental illness and the binging happens for a reason. The food and eating large amounts is a consequence of something else.

Anyway Let me know what you think about the challenge! And would you like to see me do it? (Im not making any promises here, im just interested to know! hahaha)

Baking saffron buns

One of my favourite things about Christmas is all the Christmas food. I love the buffets, the baking, the chai tea, smell of freshly baked buns and also i love saffron and cinnamon :) (Though i eat cinnamon pretty much everyday!)

As i spent the day at home focusing my CF care as well as mental care i did lots of studying and in between studying i did some baking. In total it takes c.a 2 hours to make the buns so when they were rising i had time to sit and study french! I also want to thank all of you who sent me links to french websites as well as french music and podcasts :) Ive begun listening to french podcasts while travelling to/from school/places and even if i cant understand it all, i think hearing the french will help me :) So im hoping that for my test next week i wont fail completely :)

Otherwise my stress levels have gone up and down all day.... going from feeling no stress at all and feels like i have nothing in school/anything to worry about to suddenly feeling like im in a state of panic because i realise i have so much to do and not enough time for it all.... So trying to find a mental balance and peace at the moment.

But taking a peaceful moment to enjoy my Christmas inspired snack - rice pudding (added LOTS of cinnamon and raisins afterwards), 2 home made saffron buns (but ive eaten like 4 or 5 in total ;)) and orange and also some chai tea.













   Im also thinking about finding a good book to read, as reading is always a good way to relax and de stress, focus on other things. And much better to read than to sit and just stare at a screen. 

And thank you all for the comments on my previous post. I know im not the best at replying to comments at the moment, but i will try my best. :) 

So many thoughts

Going back to the first reason why i began blogging... to write out the thoughts in my head. And at the moment i have so many thoughts in my head and many of them are regarding my blog....

I feel stuck, not sure what to do. I am split into two sides regarding what i should do....

Part of me wants to expand my blog, make it bigger and better so that i can maybe start earning something for all the hardwork i put into my blog. But also to help more people. But then its the fact that would i even have time to help more people.... if even more people were to email me everyday i would just feel overwhelmed and i dont think i would possible have the time for it.

But then there is another part of me, who for the moment just wants to shut down my blog and stop. Ive been getting some critique and hate recently and i can usually brush it off and move on, but when im already having thoughts, the negativity and critique goes straight to me heart. But its also that all the negativity i read everyday can affect me unconsciously as well im guessing. I cant help everyone and when someone writes to me in a very negative manor and just basically tells me that they cant recover and they wont, then i just dont know what to do. How can i help a person like that?I can remind them that it can get better and that living a life with an eating disorder isnt living and that being the skinniest or very underweight wont bring you happiness. You have to realise that when you have an eating disorder, it is in the head. The thoughts that you are thinking arent YOU and they arent healthy either. But even with all the reminding and coaxing and tring to help, the work still has to come from YOU. But many might not realise that.... that i can only help, but i cant do the work for you. Yes its tough, yes its scary, yes it can cause anxiety. But your eating disorder takes away your life and slowly kills you.... so if thats how you want to live your life and eventually die due to your body giving up or you kill yourself, then thats what you choose. Nobody can force you to recover, not mentally anyway. So its up to you to make the decision that the  way you are living life isnt worth it.

I am feeling so conflicted and torn at the moment.... do i just stop blogging completely or do i try to expand it? I dont know.... i am 50/50 and cant decide.
  I have so many thoughts and feelings at the moment and i love my blog, its like my little project and something i am so extremely proud of. But sometimes it can become too much as well, especially when you know that there are so many people reading and so many people wanting answers and help but you know that you cant save everyone? Its like going to a doctor.... he/she can help you, give you advice, maybe give you pills... but its your body that has to recover. You can put a cast on a broken leg,but its the bones and body that have to do the actually recovering, the cast is just a help.





Resting doesnt mean you are lazy or fat - Answer

Since sit is getting colder and colder, yesterday was the first really unfriendly, cold and wet outside I didn't feel like going anywhere. Late in the afternoon I felt really anxious about not doing anything. I literally felt getting fatter. Of course, I know this is nothing you can feel, but my imagination told me that. 


With those thoughts know that its not true, your body doesnt just gain weight because you rest or dont exercise... you could completely stop exercising and that doesnt mean you would gain weight just because of that. Exercise should be something you do because you enjoy, not because you feel you need to compensate or burn calories.
  So it was good training for you to stay inside and face those fears. Try to do it more often where you just stay inside and relax and realise that nothing bad will happen. You need to do the things that scare you and overcome your fears.

You need to realise that resting and spending the day inside or spending a week inside DOESNT make you lazy or fat. If you force yourself to exercise say, go running in the storm or pouring rain when all you  really want to do is rest or watch a film, then you are doing it wrong.
   
You need to realise that if you have struggled with an eating disorder you will need to be a little bit more wary about certain things in the first year or so of recovery, but of course if you havent even recovered yet, then you need to be even more wary.

When you are in recovery the 'normal rules' DONT apply to you. I.e if you are a normal weight and healthy or you need to lose weight, then forcing yourself to go to the gym on a Thursday evening when you just wanted to watch a film isnta  bad thing. But when you have an eating disorder or have only just recovered then NO, its not a good idea to force yourself to exercise if you dont want to.

If you struggle with exerise addiction then the REPLACEMENT METHOD might be helpful for you. Or try the ALTERNATIVE JAR.



Running: Better than therapy!

Yesterday i wrote that i wouldnt be doing any cardio until i felt that my legs were better and what do you know, i wake up and there is no pain in my legs and i have lots of energy! I was undecided about whether to go to the gym or go running, but as i really wanted to run yesterday and still had that motivation i decided to go running. Also the fact that today i decided i needed to stay home and focus on my CF care as well as study.... running and cardio is part of my CF care, so it was a good idea to run!
  It was foggy outside but that didnt stop me... infact i just sort of flew (??) forward, but had to stop and walk all the time because it was so icy and slippery. But the parts that i could run i loved it, i didnt want to stop!
  My running motivation is deinitely back now and all i want to do is run everyday.... Run outside anyway. Just the thought of having to run more than 10 minutes or a treadmill makes me bored!! haha I can run 10km easily outside but that is a real struggle when you're ona  treadmill. So it makes me kind of sad that my running motivation comes back now, just before it starts getting icy and slippery outside :( But as often as i can, im going to try running outside now :)


^^Im the freak in this case :)

For the rest of the day its study. study. study & extra CF care. Though im not sure whether ill go to my afternoon lessons or not, it all depends on how i feel!

Days like this, i like to call CF benefit days ;) Got to get something good out of having a chronic illness.










Calorie counting - how to stop etc

Ive gotten quite a few questions and emails regarding counting calories, how to stop etc
  SO i thought i would make a master post of how to increase your calories, how to stop calorie counting etc

Your body NEEDS food. It NEEDS energy and eating too little calories isnt good.

Extra special snacks

Some people think its bad to treat yourself to food...- and people within nutrition and fitness say you shouldnt reward yourself with food. But i completely go against that rule.

As long as food isnt something you abuse or eat too much of/binge, then i dont see the problem with treating yourself to some delicious food when you really want it. Somedays you do need to reward yourself with chocolate or pizza. As long as it doesnt become that you have to reward yourself with 100g chocolate all the time, then i dont see why food cant be a reward?

Feeling hungry, tired and just overwhelmed with work i walked into the shop and came out with more than i had planned to buy - hahaha (trust me, there was alot more chocolate and such bought!)! I couldnt decide which bag of nuts i wanted to buy, so i just bought both! :)My 2 favourites :)



Whats your favourite treat? :)

The desire to be thin

I guess another "proper" question is how do you start to accept there will always be people thinner than you? I am very aware of how fat I am and how much fatter I will be if I gain to a healthy weight, but I really struggle because it seems to "unfair" that others are so thin and yet healthy weights. Or even not healthy. Does that make sense? Does the desire to be a skeleton diminish?

First of all, i dont think you are fat.That is just what the voice in your head is telling you. But  if you actually were 'fat'.. so to say overweight, you would not be told to gain weight. But you need to gain weight, and there is a reason for that - You are underweight. You arent fat now, and you wont be fat when you have gained weight. I know those fears, i had them myself.
  But a good question is to ask yourself, why are you so scared of being 'fat'? Is fat really so bad?


And like you said, there will always be people who are thinner than you, jjust like there will always be people who are bigger than you, taller than you, shorter than you etc There is nothing you can do about that apart from be happy with yourself and your body.
    You need to learn to stop comparing yourself to others. Just like i said in my previous post, there will always be people dieting, tryingt o lose weight. But you need to focus on yourself and your OWN goals. Not what everybody else is doing, or how others look. 
  You need to realise that yo uneed to be a healthy weight to function properly. A healthy weight does NOT mean over weight or fat. You need to fight those thoughts, because they arent true. 
   
The desire to be thin fades as you learn to love yourself... when you learn to accept your body, accept the way you look and love yourself, then you stop looking at others and comparing yourself. You dont want anybody eelses body. There are times you might feel awful in your body and think, 'wouldnt it be great to look like XXX' but those thoughts dont take over your life, they are not common thoughts.
  Alsso when you find a reason to live.  When you feel happy, when you have a hobby or activity which you enjoy doing then you stop looking at your body, just thinking of the way you look... but instead you do this thing/or things which you love... it gets you out of the house, gets your doing something. And you learn to love life.
 And when you love life, you dont feel the need to change yourself, your body or your life. Though once again, there are times when you just wish that you could have sombody elses life.


You need to fight the thoughts and the desire to be skinny... ask yourself, What do i get out of being skinny? Am i happier? Am i healthier?Was i living life to the fullest and enjoying it? Was i happy in my own body, or was ai constantly trying to change myself... comparing myself to others?
  You need to realise that being healthy is ALOT more important than being skinny. 

There are people who are naturally very skinny and you might think thats unfair, but thats life. And you need to learn to love yourself ando not care so much about how others look.

And yes, there willl alwauys be others who are sick. Who are struggling with an ED. And i wish it wasnt that way... but it is. And you might feel jealous, wonder why someone that skinny is allowed to be walking around town, while you have to gain weight? Yes, i had those thoughts when i was sick.
  But ask yourself, how happy are those people really? They are going through the same hell which you are... but you are closer to recovery. You are closer to getting your life back. Its har dto recover, but its worth it. And you need to fight all those types of thoughts, fight the desire to be skinny and instead focus on life and healthy. Because it does get better and it does get easier!! So focus on that instead!!

Morning walk & luxury breakfast!

Its Tuesday and like every week, its the day where i have the most time in the morning. So i love to be effective and do the things which i love. Which is to take a morning walk - i wanted to run, but my calves are hurting alot at the moment and im worried about over training them so they become inflamed or infected or something, so i wont be running, doing HIIT or so much cardio until i feel the pain is gone.... just incase. It could just be muscle sorness!!!

When i came home i made myself a luxery breakfast - chocolate oatmeal, cottage cheese, raspberries, jam (which is just made out of berries and apple puree - i got it in my 'goodie bag' from the race). 2 boiled eggs & a celsius :) I cant think of a much better way to start the day!

I would prefer to spend the day at home today, to just sit and get some work done... but i know i cant as i need to prepare my presentation with my group, as well as need to participate in a film/documentary im making for one of my classes and of course the actual classes i have today there is important information i cant miss :( So even if its more tempting to stay at home... i know i will be feeling this way for the next 2 weeks. Its just to go to school anyway :)






I hope you all have a lovely day :)

Can i be healthy and underweight?

I have gotten ALOT of emails about just this subject recently so i thought i would answer it all in a post instead of writing 20+ individual emails with the same reply.

In short... No, you cant be healthy from an eating disorder while still underweight. It doesnt work that way. To be healthy from an eating disorder, you need both a healthy body and a healthy mind.

But i have a healthy mind, why cant i still be underweight?
Well if you have a healthy mind, why are you so scared to gain weight?

That was what my case manager told me when i was trying to compromise and tell her i was healthy and i didnt think i needed to gain weight. When she asked me that, it got me thinking... I wasnt actually healthy because i couldnt let go. I hadnt let go of my eating disorder. I still had problems with weight and body image. I felt fat even though i was underweight.

But you can read more about my half recovery HERE (which can help many of you in that stage or struggling with similar thoughts)

Some more posts that can help:
http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2014/10/the-dangers-of-half-recovery.html
http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2014/09/half-recoverd.html
http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2014/06/thoughts-during-my-relapse.html


Other similar questions ive gotten:

If im fat now - i will be super fat when ive gained to a  healthy weight.

No you are NOT fat now... you have fat on your body, so does everyone else. You need to change your view on your body and accept your body. You NEED fat on your body.
This post might help you : http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2014/11/recovery-fatweight-gain-exercise.html 
   Instead of hating your body and the way you look and thinking that skinny is best and that you can never be happy or love yourself unless you are skinny, change your thoughts.


But i was underweight before i became sick? Why cant i still be underweight?
Well so was I.... but now i am a healthy weight and happier than ever and looking better than ever as well.
  First off, ask yourself why you are so obsessed with having an underweight?It is a very obvious sign of an unhealthy mind if you all you want is to be underweight. Being underweight wont bring you happiness. There are alot of naturally skinny people who hate their thin bodies and would do anything to be more curvy.
  You may have been naturally slim before and you will still be slim after you have gained weight, but you will also havea  healthy weight meaning a healthier body. Also, its been proven that if someone has a lower weight after their recovery from an eating disorder they are more likely to relapse or not recover at all. So let go of your obsession over the scale and weight and focus on a healthy body and mind.

If you are healthy and recovered then the number on the scale shouldnt matter.

Read THIS post for more information.

I know this isnt what you want to hear... im sure what you want to hear is that its ok to have a BMI of 16 or 16.5 but NO, it isnt ok. Its unlikely that your mind is fully healthy and if it is as healthy as you claim, then why are you so worried about gaining the essential weight your body NEEDS?




Will the thoughts ever go away & Thinking about food all the time

I got asked if i thought that the ED thoughts would ever go away and if thinking about food all the time would go away...
   And it took some time for me to think about this question....  Do i think that the thoughts will never go away for some people? And you know what, No i dont think that. I think that it is possible for the thoughts to go away for EVERYONE suffering with an ED. For some people it takes longer time, but you know what, fighting the thoughts isnt  a dance in the park. Its hard. Its YOU who has to work with it... work AGAINST your eating disorder.

You can sit at home, think how awful life is, feel  sorry for yourself that you are suffering and wish that things would change. Think that you will never recover, think that you will always have ED thoughts. But thats not true, because YOU have to make a change. Its not that some people have it easier and others dont... thats not how it is. If you have an eating disorder, whether you have suffered 5  months or 15 years, you still have a voice in your head telling you to starve yourself. That you arent sick enough, that you are too fat, that you cant eat etc
 Of course there are degrees of the illness, some people only suffer with restriction others have exercise addictions, depression, self harm, purging, binging, OCD etc etc
  But that doesnt mean that you cant recover, that you will always be sick.

But its about fighting the voice in your head, doing things which scare you. Step outside of your comfort zone. No, it isnt fun to test a fear food. To do things that scare you.

I remember the first time i was going to eat on my own in public... i ended up standing in a bathroom because i couldnt eat infront of people.
  The first time i was going to order out in a cafe i spent 20 minutse trying to decide what i wanted and when i got what i ordered i didnt want it and cried because i didnt know how much milk was in my coffee.
  THe first time i tried chocolate i ran home and purged. All these fears, these challenges. But i took myself through them.... I got up and tried again. No, i might not have managed to keep the chocolate down the first time, but the second time i kept it down. The third time i could try a little more.
 
You need to FIGHT the voice. Do the opposite of what the voice in your head says. You need to eat even though you might not want to. You need to rest. Talk to people, ask for help. Dont isolate yourself and sit and feel sorry for yourself... you might not want the attention or help, but you need the help and support. Thats important.

You need to find a way to cope with the anxiety. With the guilt and panic. Small baby steps = full recovery.

Even when you are half recovered you cant give up, you need to keep fighting. Its so easy to give up, thats the easy option. Its easy to just lie down on the ground and refuse to get up again, especially if you have relapsed, or relapsed several times. But the fact is, nobody remembers the person who gave up. Its the winners... its the people who succeed who are most remembered. This isnt meant to make you feel bad.
  What i mean is that if you want something in life, sometimes tyou have to work hard for it. You cant give up.

Nobody else can fight the voices in your head, and i know it sucks... There were times i wished i could wake up healthy. But it didnt happen over night... all these small changes i had to make.
  
Gaining weight is easy compared to fighting the mental part.. you can have reached your healthy weight but still be struggling with your thoughts, so its easy to think that they will always be there. But thats not true....

I know many who have recovered from an ED who are now healthy. Living healthy, exercise, eat pizza, eat ice cream, eat salad, go on holliday, live life and look happy and healthy. Just like myself...
   I have fought all the voices in my head.

I dont measure food or count calories. 90% of the time i like my body, i dont have fear foods, i eat all types of food. I let others prepare food for me, i eat with others, i eat out. Im not depressed. I dont exercise to burn calories or compensate.
  I live life, im happy. Of course everyone has ups and downs and sometimes you have fat days. But its not a voice in your head telling you to starve yourself on those days... its merely a feeling that passes withing 24-72 hours.


The food thoughts DO pass in time when you begin to live life more freely. When you no longer focus on weight gain or having to follow your meal plan or eat certain times etc 
  You can read more HERE

Know that recovery IS POSSIBLE. But its YOU who has to make changes. Dont think its not possible, because then its not.


This is my post to YOU. To make you keep fighting. Even if you want to give up... Fight the voice in your head, change the thoughts. Be STRONGER than the voice in your head. Its possible!!!



Monday Week 48

Hello :)
 
I am so sorry for my absence and lack of posts today. It wasnt meant to be that way today, but apparently Blogger didnt want to work or post any of my posts... so i am sorry about that :/
   I dont have time to check my blog while im in school but also i cant answer comments from my phone so it can often take days to reply :(

This morning after little sleep i wasnt ready for school. On my way to school i just kept thinking, should i mark myself as sick and take the day off? That was what i wanted, but i knew that i shouldnt. And that i wouldnt feel better if i were to just spend the day at home either. Once i got to school the feelings disappeared anyway!
  So i can tell you from my own experience, when you have overwhelming feelings or you feel like you dont want to leave the house at all, sometimes that is exactly what you need. To go to school or work and get you thinking about other things, even if it may not seem like it willl help, it does. 

School until 4pm - and even had some chocolate cake for lunch as it was a friends birthday - cant complain :):) Cake is always delicious.
   
Once i came home at 4pm i sat myself down with my snack and for the past 2 hours i have been writing posts for the upcoming weeks, all about the topics you have requested So if i have missedd a topic you have requested then comment! And i also replied to most of my emails, not all of them... but resend if you havent gotten a reply. But know that my emailing is very limited at the moment and it can take 3-7+ days before you get a reply.

Now my stomach is rumbling again and im making dinner as i write this post!!! A bit of a disaster dinner really... i was so hungry so i just wanted something RIGHT AWAY. But there was nothing.. i had to cook everything and the food we had in the freezer was just blahhhh... and then when i was going to take something out of the pantry i knocked over our muslie jar so it all fell out onto the floor... *ooppps* which just made me even more angry and irritated!
  But now im making a simple quinoa, vegetable and tofu dish & a few (more like 5 or 6!!!!) crisp bread with spread :) Simple and easy!! Foooddd nooow... im so hungry! :) 

I guess thats what intensive writing and concentrating does!







^¨How it usually looks when i try to take photos, Daisy comes and just stares at me... wondering what im doing. Sometimes i wonder what im doing myself ;)



It will get better if you make it better

I get alot of questions and emails everyday where people tell me that they feel fat and don't like the way they look hate the way they live their life or want to change.  Or even ask when it gets better.  I often write, it will get better. Which is true,  but also. ... it won't get better until YOU make it better. Recovery isn't just about gaining weight or in some people's cases having to lose weight in a healthy way. But it's about changing your thoughts and mindset as well as learning healthy eating habits.
 
But the change towards the better has to come from YOU. I can't tell you that you're not fat or that you have to so this and this...or that you have ro choose recovery. You have to choose if for YOU. You have to change your thoughts and make it better. It's not enough to just wish or to write or hope that it gets better.  Unfortunately you don't just magically wake up and are healthy,  but it's a constant battle of facing your fears. BEING STRONGER THAN YOUR EATING DISORDER. There is no other way. Either you are stuck in the hell you live in day in and day out until you die or you fight for recovery and you keep fighting until you are recovered
But YOU have to make changes and fight. Do things that scare you. Know that it can get better if you want it to.
But then you have to be prepared that it will get tough before it gets better.
Living a life with an eating disorder isn't living. You need to REALISE that gaining weight and eating isn't the worst thing out there. If you spend your life terrified of eating then there will be alot of things you miss out on. You will spend your life scared, anxious and feeling guilty.
There is MORE TO LIFE than body image.

Online recovery accounts

Something which i am quite sceptic to is the online recovery account especially on Instagram or even Tumblr. You may laugh at this and think im just being hypocritical, because isnt my blog a recovery account. And yes, it is, my older posts anyway. But i never wrote on my blog trying to form a circle, bond or relationship with others who were struggling. If people who were struggling found my blog and wrote to me, i would write back. But its not that i was competing with anyone else with my blog.I didnt have to take pretty food pictures (that has just come this year as i feel its better to post a nice food picture on my blog than some blurry or awful looking one - just my opinion anyway). I wrote honestly how i felt because it was my way of expressing myself .- not trying to get attention or get loads of people to tell me i wasnt fat or that i was pretty etc etc
   So even if my blog is a recovery account in some ways i think its quite different to all the accounts you see now a days.

On Instagram there are hundreds and thousands - im guessing of recovering accounts and plenty more on Tumblr. The number of people with recovery accounts is quite scary, but also the amount of people claiming to be 'fit or healthy' but are still suffering with an eating disorder. The lower number of 'recovery accounts' the better, because with the accounts it means that there is a person behind them struggling, which is not a good thing,

So... what do i think of recovery accounts? Well there are different types.

There is the depressive, black and white, always posting their 'thinspo' pictures and claiming how fat they are, how guilty they feel for eating. In their bio they claim they are recovering but they still post their weight their and talk about how many hours they go without eating..... Not really sure where the recovery part of the whole account is?

Then there is the recovery vegan who posts delicious looking pictures of food... all looks  great and healthy, but the question is... are they vegan and spending so much time on their food because they want to? Or is it because their is a voice in their head telling them to do it? Im not saying the person behind these types of accounts arent recovering but sometimes it just looks too good to be true and it looks like everything takes a little more time than is necessary just to take one picture.

The exercise addict recoverer, if you use social media then im sure you have come across this type of recovery account some time. The person who exercises lots but claims that they dont. Often times this person is too thin but doesnt see it or want to admit it themselves. They are often in the half recovery phase as well... they might be able to eat, but its a certain type of food you see all the time. No variation. This type of account can often be the most triggering for people because you wonder why are they still so skinny but exercising so much? Why are they eating soo little? And then you begin to wonder about yourself, whether you should be exercising as well, or why you are in hospital but they arent.
   So i can tell you, if this type of accounts bothers you - Unfollow them!

The under eater recoverer, the person who is in recovery or trying to recover but their portions are miniscule.... 3 baby carrots and half an apple is an example of an afternoon snack. Or salad leaves and chicken for lunch or a little portion of soup..... You begin to question if they really are in recovery, or you question why you have to eat so much and they dont.  The under eater and over exerciser can often be the same account.

The actual recoverer: And then there is the actual recoverer - yup, there are some of those out there as well. These are the ones who write about facing their fear foods and how they are feeling better. They are often the ones who are most loving and supporting in that community and they are not using their account as a way to get attention or get 101 comments about how they are still so skinny or have the perfect body or have the perfect food. No, these accounts are actually recovery ones. They detail their ups and downs through real photos. Not perfect ones and not ones of their 2 hours workout sessions everyday or their tiny portions. These accounts are the most real ones.
   Though it can be hard to distinguish whats real and whats not... its easy for everyone to be fake online.

I dont think its a problem that you seek comfort and reasurrance through recovery accounts. Trying to find people who understand you, who can relate to you. That is part of being a human being.
  But you should also be kind to yourself and know if there is someone or some account triggering you, stop following them - that goes for my accounts as well. I dont want to be a trigger to anyone.
   Be wary of what you see everyday and if you want to start a recovery account, then seek for the honest and true ones. Dont follow people 'just because' they have 'recovery', 'recovering' or anything else like that in their name.


^^With all of the accounts though, i mean i dont know the people i cant judge them, but also how do i know eveyrything they post/feel/do... I DONT. Im a blogger and Instagrammer myself, so i know how it is to have people judge me for what i post. This i just my first few thoughts of when i see these types of accounts and what i think of them.

Change is a good thing even if it's scary

Change. It's part of being a human and living your life.... things change and you can't always control it. I have had a lot of control issues the past few years, mainly due to anorexia and that was even a reason why I think my anorexia developed. Due to wanting control.  I have let go of alot of my control issues and can now live freely and do things spontaneously,  I don't need to plan every second of my day. However change is something that can still cause anxiety. Because even if it's a good change its now, 7 days before we move that I'm starting to get anxiety about it. How everything will be different. I can't just take the bus to school or walk 15 minutes if that's what I feel like. my room will be different. Nothing will be the same at home. And it is sort of scary, but it's also a good thing. To expose yourself to things that make you uncomfortable. Otherwise you can't grow and become stronger. The anxious feelings however kept me up last night and i only got around 5 hours sleep last night. So this morning the smallest thing made me feel irritated and angry!!! ^-^The perfect amount of sleep for me is 10 hours!!! hahah

Running in cold weather

I know some of my readers do enjoy running  so i thought this might be helpful :) But remember, if its a snow storm or you are feeling totally unmotivated etc, then its ok to rest!!  (as well as any other time :) )

Running in cold weather and not get sick: Cold weather could be a nice thing, but it could also mean aches, spasms and fevers that we could do without. We all know to layer & dress warmer, that’s common sense (at least for the majority of us), but is there anything else you should consider? Absolutely. These tips will help you a lot.
  • WARM UP INDOORS. This is an important part of training in general, and it becomes crucial in cold weather conditions. Warming up indoors instead of taking your entire training session outdoors will help you benefit more from the warm-up process and will help your body function better. If you’ve ever walked out of the gym on to the cold street after a great workout, you’ve surely felt how the cold is not noticeable at first. While you feel the cold air you don’t feel cold because your body is working full speed already.
  • DRESS RIGHT. Keeping all parts of your body always covered and warm would do you lots of good. Consider the Second Law of Thermodynamics which is also known as the Law of Increased Entropy. Your body will naturally “send” the heat reinforcement to whatever part of body is getting cold thus unnecessarily spending extra effort on maintaining the average temperature, so your body’s arsenal of energy will be depleted while simply trying to maintain. And during prolonged exposure to cold, the unrecoverable loss of energy will proceed rapidly. Wear layers of thin and light clothing and tuck your sweatshirts into your sweatpants to prevent the loss of heat. You might be in danger of looking unstylish but not in danger of getting sick. Windbreakers are perfect for running, they are light, protect you from the cold wind and help retain heat without weighing you down. 
  • LOWER THE INTENSITY OF YOUR RUNNING/TRAINING.  A human body has a rather narrow range of optimal body temperature and will work harder to maintain the needed equilibrium in cold weather. You will help yourself maintain that balance by lessening your training load a bit during colder months.
  • COOL DOWN. Warm up and cool down are as important as the training session itself. And with cold weather to consider – the stakes double. Don’t skip it, do the cool down part.
  • SHOWER IMMEDIATELY. Sounds so insignificant, superficial and more related to hygiene, but is extremely important to do when training in cold conditions. All your sweaty stuff that is initially warm due to body heat will quickly turn into coolers and heat absorbents thus doubling the natural effect of cooling produced by our sweat. 
  • DRESS WARM AFTER TRAINING. Yes you’ve just worked out and yes your body’s temperature is at a nice level and you feel great. But dressing light would be a big mistake. Put on something that would keep you warm.
  • DRINK WARM LIQUIDS. Of course, feel free to have a glass of ice cold drink after running or training. But… it is not a good idea even when it’s warm outside or even if you didn’t just work up some sweat. We’ll cover this topic in our forthcoming articles!

SOURCE: mrsjonie 

The hunger games review

Im back at home after seeing the Hunger Games: MokingJay with my sister and her friend. I had heard that the film was good, but i didnt have any expectations really. I have read all the books so i knew what was going to happen!
  The first 30 minutes or so of the film didnt catch my attention, infact i found myself analyzing it too much.... which is a bit of a problem i have when it comes to films. I cant really just enjoy them because if they are bad or the production of the film is bad or its just too unrealistic, then i find it very hard to watch the movie. So i'm quite critical.
  But once the first bit was over i found myself drawn into the film and what was happening. And the time just flew by.

The ending scene.... not the best one in my standards anyway.... haha. It didnt leave me with the OMG feeling or 'whats going to happen next'. But that might just be me!!
 
I think the effects and the production of the film is 10/10 and even though some things are just 'too out there' its still realistic in a way. And not to mention that i love Jennifer Lawrence and think she fits perfectly into the role of Katniss!

If i think about it, not alot happend but thats how it is when they divide one book into 2 films. They have to drag out certain scenes so im guessing more will happen in the next film!

If you have seen the first and second Hunger games, then go see this one as well :) (and i recommend you see it in the cinena for best affect!) and if you havent seen any of the films.. then i recommend you do :)