Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Vegan meal/snack ideas

You have the right to eat - and you need to eat

you have unconditional permission to eat. 
even if you feel fat.
even if you’ve gained weight.
even if you haven’t exercised. 
even if it’s a fear food.
even if you’re already sort of full. you’re allowed to feel full. you’re allowed to, and you deserve to take care of yourself.
even if you’re tired.
even if you made a mistake that you feel guilty about.
even if you’re having a really bad day.
even if you’re feeling unloved. no negative emotion takes away your right to nourish your body.
you can eat even if you’re about to wear a bikini.
you can eat in front of people.
you can order food and know that no one is judging you for what you order. and if they are, that’s on them. other people’s opinions of you are none of your business, and they don’t determine whether you can eat or not.
you can eat popcorn at the movies, even if your friend put more butter on it than you would have.
you can get chinese takeout with your friends.
you can cook dinner for your family and actually eat it with them. and enjoy’re allowed to enjoy the taste of food.
you’re allowed to feel proud of myself for finishing a meal, instead of feeling like you failed.
you’re allowed to look at food as nourishment. it doesn’t have to be a moral dilemma, or a battle with your mind every meal. 
a bag of chips is just a bag of chips, and you have unconditional permission to eat them. 

Source x

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Sunday brunch and resting

Hello there :)

This day has just sort of blurred into one, and i cant say that i have been productive at all. Not that i had planned to be productive anyway, but something productive might have been good to do. But i guess i will live by the "Sunday is a day of rest" today, haha.

My day started alot later than i had planned, i.e i woke up at 10am. I cant even remember the last time i woke up so late or actually slept for 9 hours (fell asleep around 1am). It is safe to say that both body and mind needed alot of sleep, and my natural wake up time around 6/7am was not natural today.
It felt good to wake up later especially as i didnt have anything planned. But i must admit, when i sleep so long/wake up so late, i always wake up feeling sort of drowsy and "out of it". Unlike when i sleep 6 hours and wake up feeling clear, motivated and full of energy. I guess it might have something to do with the sleep cycles?

The only real thing i have done today is 1) Throw together ingredients to make vegan pancakes, help make brunch and then eat brunch. (One of my first days jobfree during the weekend so brunch was requested with my family, and my step brothers joined as well.)
2) Started to pack my bags for Gothenburg... but all i have packed so far is my heels and my notebooks from springterm, as some of the studying will be a repeat this term so it will be good to have old notes with me. And thats as far as i got... as i cant really pack clothes yet and the things i will pack are my "daily items" so i guess i will just pack everything the night before and hope i dont forget anything!
3) I began to watch a movie.. but as usual, i have no patience for movies. They are too long and dont grab my attention at all, so after 45 minutes (where i paused the movie every 10 minutes to do something else), i finally gave up and am about to watch Youtube as 5-8 minute videos are so much easier to watch!!!

And this pretty much sums up my day. 
Tomorrow will be my last day of work and i have mixed feelings about it, but i might write a post about it later, such as what i have learnt from my work!!

To end this post... the positives of my day:

Family time.
Brunch & delicious food.
Rainy weather = cosy film/bed time all day.
Having absaloutly no "musts" today and just resting completely, both physically and mentally.

Do you have any positives from your day or week? Please share if you do!!!
Lets start spreading positivity and positives of the day/week on my blog again :)

Lack of recovery motivation - how to recover mentally. Answer

Hi - I`ve ben reading quite a bit about recovery and I`ve come to the conclusion that it scares me. Apparently weight restoration is the "easiest" part - the real hard work comes after when you have to maintain that weight, heal your mind and thought process. What if I can`t do it? what if this weight gain is for nothing and I can`t deal with the outcome? What if the thoughts don`t go away? I have gained and lost the weight again and I feel like I am back at square one. Only this time I have no motivation to start to gain weight again, although I know I need to. I am at a an even lower weight than I was before my first recovery attempt and I am scared. I just don`t have the inclination to do it again, before for some reason I did. How can I get that back? I need todo something, I know that much. This time round the physical effects are massive and I just feel ill all the time. Before at least I had the energy to live my daily life and function, now I don`t. What can I do to get the motivation back to want to begin recovery again? I feel so trapped.

Recovery is scary, recovery is basically stumbling in the darkness and not knowing what awaits for you. As you wrote, weight gain is the easy part (and not even everyone with an eating disorder needs to gain weight). Eating disorders are mental illnesses and means mental recovery. If you need to gain weight, it will help you to mentally recovery as well, because if you are malnourished and underweight it makes it harder to think straight and harder for your body to function properly as well as your mind not getting enough energy and nutrients. 

When i was in recovery i wished that i could just wake up recovered, completely healthy and free, but it doesnt work that way unfortunatly. True recovery does take years. As i have written in posts before, i may have been declared healthy in 2012 and had a healthy weight and been healthier than before, but there were still things i had to work on for myself. I had to be honest with myself, reflect over behaviours and thoughts and focus on changing them. And i would i wasnt fully healthy until the end of 2013 maybe.

While in recovery i wished there was a manual, some type of instruction book that told me exactly what to do and what steps to take. .How to go from A to B and go from sick to recovered, but it doesnt work that way. When i write my blog and try to help all of you, i wish i could snap my fingers or give you some type of manual over how to recover... but there is no instructions to follow. Recovery is different for everyone and what works for one person might not work for the other, but recovery is all about challenging the fear and being honest with yourself. Because the truth is, you can spend your whole life lying to others and saying you are healthy when you arent, but also you can lie to yourself... be a funcional sufferer. But you have to admit to yourself when you struggle and be honest with yourself if YOU are holding yourself back from true recovery, just because it is difficult or scary, or because it means you have to change your habits or step outside of your comfort zone.

You have to WANT to recover. You have to want for things to be different, want to live a free life. Because motiation comes and goes unfortunatly, but if you know deep down that you want to be healthy and free, then you will fight through the tough times and keep going even when motivation fails you. 
   Make a list of all the negative things about an eating disorder, all the things that your eating disorder has taken away from you, or kept you back from in life. And make a list of the things that scare you about recovery... and then try to think rationally about those fears, why they shouldnt scare you. And also make a list about all the positives about being healthy and recovered, about the things you can do when you no longer struggle with an eating disorder.

Recovery isnt easy and it takes time. There are SO many parts to fully recovering.

There is 1) Maybe weight gain or atleast maintaining a healthy weight.
2) Self love and body acceptance. Working on body dysmorphia.
3) Finding balance with food and eating the right amount.
4) Dealing with your anxiety, triggers and guilt. Finding HEALTHY coping mechanisms that work.
5) Dealing with the core/root problem of your illness. I.e food and body image are just small parts of an eating disorder, but there might be other issues such as low self esteem, past traumatic events, wanting control, extreme fear of the future etc And you need to work on those, otherwise you will continue to rely on negative coping mechanisms.
6) Finding balance in life. Thinking positive, finding motivation to live life and learning to love yourself.

You need to find your motivaiton inside of you to recover. To realise that recovery is worth it and that things will work out. Stop focusing on the fears, or the reasons why you cant or shouldnt recover, because you CAN recover. Sure you might have other illnesses or things to deal with with your stomach pain and that, but that doesnt make it impossible for you to recover. Instead you are just making excuses and reasons why you cant. I know that sounds tough or mean, but while i was sick i had 100 reasons why i couldnt and wouldnt recover and kept saying "i couldnt recover, i would never be recovered. I could never gain weight or reach my goal weight because of my CF and all the calories i had to eat to gain weight." But also kept thinking, what is the point in recovering if i still have my CF anyway. But i had to put all those excuses aside and focus on that i COULD recover and most of all, i wanted to recover.

Recovery is a process and it is fully possible, for everyone. But it is about YOU making changes. It is about you being honest with yourself and with others. It is about you facing your fears. Because sure, treatment can help you and support you, but in the end only you know how you feel and what will work for you. Only you know what habits you are holding onto or how you are truly feeling. You need to open up and communicate and making changes in your life and your thoughts to recover. 
    Recovery is about changing your mindset and your thinking as well as your routines and habits. It is scary, and like mentioned above... like stumbling in the dark and you have NO IDEA how things will be and there is so much unknown. But you need to stop focusing on the unknowns and just do what you can. Because unfortunatly, no one can tell you how things will be in the future, no one can tell you how you will feel or how things will turn out or how long it will take you until you are recovered. But YOU can impact that. If you focus everyday on self love, focus everyday on taking small steps towards recovery and everyday facing fears and doing the opposite of what your eating disorder wants, then you are impacting your future and taking control over your life. Because that is what you need to do in recovery, take control over your own mind and body and life and not let your eating disorder control you anymore.

If you dont find motivation at once, just take the necessary steps towards recovery. I wasnt motivaiton in the beginning, but i was forced to eat and rest anyway and eventually i found the motivation within myself to recover. And even then the motivation didnt last all the time, i relapse and messed up, but i got back on track eventually. It is ok to relapse, but you have to get back to recovery and take the steps necessary even if you dont want to or dont see the point. But that is where treatment and inpatient can be super beneficial because it makes you eat and rest and makes you talk/support you even when you dont want to, so that later on when you are stronger and more motivated you can keep following those steps because you want to.
   Treatment can only really help you with the physical though and to help you get on track. But the whole mental recovery comes from the inside and wanting to change and communicating and challenging fears and dealing with the core problem.

I wish i could give you better advice or make you want to recover. I wish i could give you the steps and instructions to recover, but it doesnt work that way. Instead all i can say is that if you fight your ED and face your fears things can get better, but it also means that YOU have to make the change. That you have to want to change. No one else can recover for you, and mental and true recovery comes from the inside - and only you can do that for yourself.

You can live your life struggling forever or being half recovered/ a functional sufferer, or you can decide that you want to fully recover and then you are honest with yourself and make hard decisions so that you can eventually be fully recovered.

You CAN recover and you have to believe that. No more excuses, dont allow your fears win and most of all, dont allow your eating disorder to control you anymore and take even more of your life and life experiences away from you. One day it will get easier, but only you can make it that way. Keep fighting even if you dont see the point or dont want to. This is your life and your body and you deserve a better life.

Positive thinking - Depression recovery - feeling like myself again. Reach out for help and make the changes necessary.

Positive people also have negative thoughts, they just don’t let those thoughts control them.

Recently the positive thoughts in my head have been the predominant ones. There has been more peace, more happiness, more calmness and more joy in my head.

Wanting to sing along with songs, smile while out walking, feeling energetic while working out, feeling more positive about the future, feeling more positive about myself. Feeling happier in my body with my weight gain, feeling more like myself again and feeling more positive again. Not having to fake positivity, not finding it difficult to find the positives of the day, but instead just feeling happier!

It is wonderful to feel this way again, to feel more like myself again and not have to force some type of fake positivity out of me. But most of all, not feeling fake when i smile. Not feeling guilty or ashamed when i smile or laugh at a joke. Feeling content and not wondering when the bad days or negative thoughts will hit. Not feeling guilty for feeling happy. Feeling like myself and it is wonderful.

I just want to remind you all that the tough times you are going through, they will pass! You can get through them, you can get through the darkness. I dont want to get into the past, i dont want to think over the past 1,5 years.... it was one dark cycle with far too much negativity and i wasnt myself at all. I dont want to think about that time, but i can learn from it. But most of all, i can realise how far i have come and how i can get through the tough times. The times i didnt think i would get through, the times i thought "i cant keep going, i want to give up", but i never did. I lost myself during the past 1,5 years.... i lost my motivation, i lost my happiness and i lost who i was. But now i have found myself again and back to the person i am. And i want to stay this way, i want to keep feeling this happiness, the positivity!!

Of course there are still bad days and bad times, but NOT AT ALL like how it was before. If i am sleep deprived or havent eaten enough then i can feel a little low, but nothing like the past, then it is just regular bad days and not suicidal bad days.

I am thankful for how far i have come, but also i know i can get through the tough times again if i have to, but hopefully i wont.

You have to stay strong, keep fighting, but most of all..... make the changes necessary so that YOU can feel better. Reach out for help, take medication if you need to, change your diet and lifestyle if you need to, and keep going. Write, talk, feel your feelings and know that the emotions wont kill you. Stay safe and keep yourself from doing anything you will regret. Keep fighting and keep believing that things can get better!!! It is tough, it takes time.... but it can get better... even if it takes months or years, it can get better. You just have to keep going but also MAKE THE changes, get help, talk... those are my best tips. Dont sit alone and suffer in silence, i did that... and that meant that i spent 1,5 years in negativity and depression, but once i did reach out for help, start taking medication, open up... things have gotten better. I made changes in my life, did what was best for me and now i feel so much better!!!

Stay strong, and keep fighting!

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Life is too short to let fear control you

I have written about this many times before so maybe it seems repetitive but it is also such an important reminder - to not let fear hold us back in life.

There are times that it is important to listen to that fear feeling, for example if you are out walking and have a sense/fear that someone is following you, maybe you should listen to that feeling. Or if you are on top of a huge mountain and fear keeps you from walking too close to the edge... those are times to listen and accept the fear.
   But being allowing fear to keep you from eating a cookie, or to keep you from starting a new hobby or applying for a job, or travelling or anything else.... that is such a waste of life. It is easy to have the same routines and habits all life and never change, many are happy with that and that is ok as well. But it is one thing to be comfortable and happy in routines and habits and another to live a life where fear stops and holds you back.

Recently i have had so much wanderlaust and wanted to travel so badly... wanted to experience new places and cultures. Wanted to travel alone but also with others... just to see the world. I dont often feel this way and in the past i never wanted to travel, why.... Because of fear. Fear of change, fear of change of habits and routines, not having my normal routines. But now i am in a stage of life where i realise just how silly that was....a few weeks away travelling the world and experiencing so much... but not being able to do it because i didnt want a change in routine? How pathetic is that, in all honesty. I have actually been offered to travel places before both with friends, my ex and been asked to travel and be part of tv shows and radio shows, but i have declined because of my fear holding me back.... and now i regret it. I wish i had been brave enough to just push past that fear and to travel because i am pretty sure i wouldnt have regretted it.

Now however i am in a stage where i wont let that fear hold me back, and the only thing holding me back form travelling is economy and actually having the time to travel!  Hopefully in the future i will visit so many more countries and places and experience new places and not just live a comfortable life with my same old routines everyday!

But the first step for me to overcome this "fear of travelling and changing routines" was starting university and moving away from home... then it was a whole new thing, whole new place. I coped, i managed and i didnt mind the change. And now in a weeks time i will be doing the same thing.... and of course there is some fear involved, i mean i have only been in  Gothenburg for 2 days my whole life. I dont know how to get around there, i only know people from social media, i dont know where my school is or how to travel with the public transport.... but you know what, i am not letting that stop me. Because i know that things will work out and often the fear is made up in our mind. We conjure up images and scenarios of how awful it will be, how things will go wrong and then that stops us. But i have begun to not have expectations, not conjure up images... not have good or bad scenarios planned out in my head because you know what, I dont know how it will go. I dont know anything and so there is no point letting my imagination and fear control me and stop me from doing new things in life! I mean, i am just moving to another part of the country...  i cant imagine how scary it might be to be an exchange student and move to a country where you might not even know the language. But people do that, and they survive and things can work out!

Dont let fear stop you!! And the same goes with the fear involved with eating.... That fear you feel regarding food and eating and weight gain, your mind plays tricks on you. Your mind conjures up scary scenarios and makes you scared, but food is NOT bad, food is not scary. Dont let your mind play tricks on you and hold you back.
 My best tip, have a mantra or motto to keep repeating to yourself when that fear starts to take control. You wont gain 5kg from eating a meal or a 3 course meal or from not exercising. Dont let your eating disorder control you!!

At times you should listen to fear, but other times you have to stop letting that irrational fear hold you back in life. There are things i regret that i havent done or havent said because of fear, but i am a work in progress and continue to grow and can now look back on the past and realise that fear kept me back from travelling but i wont let it do that in the future!