Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Wednesday, May 4, 2016

A photo doesnt tell the whole story

Recently i made a post on my instagram with this picture:

Which basically said... the picture doesnt capture the x amount of crisp bread with spread i ate beforehand while making the meal or the chocolate covered licquorice eaten afterwards. And not to mention that not all the nuts in the picture were eaten but extra haricot verts were added as well as sauce. So one food picture doesnt show the whole story... just because you see food plated doesnt mean that that was all the person ate.
Unfortunatly there are food accounts out there who make food just for the sake of the picture, people who prepare and make food, take a picture and throw it away. And it isnt uncommon for recovery accounts to plate up food, picture it and throw the food away or eat less than what was pictured.
Or people like me who eat more than what is pictured... hard to believe XD
But there are times where i might put up a picture of a meal but didnt even finish the meal or changed something afterwards and not always mentioned it as i dont think it has been necessary.
But i DO think it is necessary to point out that just because you see a picture of food doesnt mean that was all they ate... I mean i ALWAYS eat some food while preparing food, and that isnt shown in the picture. But of course, it shouldnt matter either... what someone else eats doesnt matter to you. We all need different amounds and enjoy different foods!

And then there is this picture... salad, sweet potatoe and peppermint tea.
Someone might see that picture and think "am i on a diet", but no... that was what i wanted right then and it was a SNACK. It wasnt a main meal, it was my study snacks. And the picture doesnt show how much i ate before or after (i dont even remember, but i know i ate lots beforehand most likely and more food in the evening!). So dont compare your whole day of eating to someones one picture... or even if someone posts a food diary, how do you know that it is the truth? Not that it should really matter... but i hope you understand my message anyway.

But what i also wanted to mention was that i was scrolling through some old photo albums today and it made me a little sad how much you can fake on a picture... A smile really doesnt mean anything. But just.... how much you can hide.

Yyou see that picture of someone smiling and looking happy, but you dont know their whole story. You dont know whether their happy quote or smiling picture is the truth or whether they are sitting there crying while uploading the picture. Or you dont know what has been going on in their day.
Or all the pictures where i am looking happy but underneath there are scars on my skin with secrets of how broken i am. Or the pictures taken where i am filled with anxiety or panic but try to look as calm and happy as possible.

But then of course there are the photos where it just radiates with happiness and i am filled with happiness when i look back on them! The good memories and the true happiness. 
Most people wouldnt really be able to see the difference in the photos, but for me i have the memories attached to the pictures so i can see the difference but also remember what was going on in that moment in time.

I just wanted to share that photos arent always what they seem. I mean i am pretty sure everyone has posted something which isnt quite true... or that time you went out to party and you hated it and it was boring but you still posted a picture of you and your friends bragging how great it was when all the time you wanted to go home? Or the time you posted a picture of you and your friends but you posted it only because you looked so great, hahaha?

 I hope this post gets you to think and to also not just see a picture and believe it all. But instead be critical, i mean be critical to my own posts and photos if you want... Though i try to be honest 99% of the time and wont post fake photos or fake meals or any of that, because to me that is being dishonest and i did that in the past and it wasnt a good feeling. Instead i build my blog on honesty and know that that is why readers stay, because i dont want to lie about how i feel or such, so i feel no need to post a fake smiley photo or any of that. 

Dont compare your life to a few photos you see online, you never know the real story.

Sunshine, ice cream and Oreos

What is the best way to celebrate that now I have a few days off from school with only at home study - of course to eat ice cream and Oreos in the sun!

Though that wasn't my initial plan for the day. My initial plan was to clean the apartment and get laundry done (decided to do that another day ^-^) and to but some normal summer clothes as I pretty much just wear the same clothes all the time and when I do but clothes it's just workout clothes.  However only 5 minutes into browsing the stores I realised why I hate it and don't buy clothes other than online.... its so much stress,so many people and just all too much for me. And instead I went to see if the American store had cinnamon buns as I've wanted to try make cinnamon bun waffles but instead I found two new oreo flavours I haven't tried.  And the excitement when I saw them.... ^-^ a goal of mine is to try as many oreo  flavours as I can and if I ever travel to the US I will most likely spend most of my money on Ben and jerrys and Oreos ^-^ Hahah

And then I went to the store to buy lemons, garlic and ginger and some strawberries.  I left the store with ice cream and ginger instead ... hmm,  wonder what the cashier thought! 

And then when I got back home I sat in the sun, tried to study and ate ice cream and Oreos! Though I can say I realised just how restless I am. I can't study outdoors it's far too distracting. .. I either need to sit by a table with music and focus only on study or do something else outside and preferably something active outside. .. just sitting in the sun isn't for me. But I do thoroughly enjoy the sunshine! !! Makes everything a little easier :)

At the moment I am going to make myself something proper to eat and then watch some series before I try to do another hour of studying!

I hope you all have a good day and find the positives in something! !

Do i regret recovery?

I got asked if i ever regretted recovery, and to answer honestly. And my aanswer is a complete and honest NO.
  It would be very hard to write this blog, to help so many others, motivate people to recover if I, myself secretly longed back to being underweight.

I dont ever want to go back to the way i was before. Tired, so filled with hate towards myself, the world and everyone around me. Constantly hungry, but at the same time full and sick feelings. Watching as everyone else ate and lived life. Exercising for hours, and self harming in all sorts of ways. No sleep. Too many thoughts, too many guilt feelings and panicked feelings.
   I would never go back to that just so that i can be skinny... just so that i can weigh a cetain number.

The question was more directly asked about my half recovery, do i ever regret recovering from that stage... that stage where my body was stuck on X kilo, and i tried convincing myself and everyone around me that i was healthy. But like i said in my half recovery post, i really wasnt.
   For most of that stage i hated the way my body looked. I never saw it as it looked, and when i look back on pictures from then. I see how skinny  was, and the scary thing is that i had gained around 15kg from my lowest weight, but i was still very skinny. I never saw that myself though.
   I had fear foods and never really enjoyed food. I ate it because i knew i had to, if i refused to eat i would go back to Mando. I was slowly overcoming fear foods, learning to eat and like the food i was eating. But it wasnt uncommon that i would compensate.
  I didnt feel happy this stage, i was depressed. Trying to feel happy. Trying to convince my family that i was happy. Put on a smile.
  I had lots of anxiety, though not all food and body related. I was scared of gaining weight. I thought eating a slice of chocolate cake in the evening would make me balloon up, i thought i would wake up and suddenly weigh 10kg more. I was scared of lots of things. I had this voice in my head trying to pull me back down... i had already come so far... fought myself free from the worst of anorexias grip. But i still wasnt recovered. I still had a long way to go.
Left: my half recovery stage (+15kg from my lowest weight)
Right: The day before or after i was declared healthy ;) (So my goal weight

Left: Very underweight - a day patient, though 1 week later i had lost (5kg) and reached my absaloute bottom physucally and mentally and once again put back into inpatients.
Right: Christmast 2013 (One of the best christmases ive had in the past 5-6 years!) Weigh more than my goal weight, but happier and healthier! And my weight has no meaning to me anymore :)

And i am so thankful that i DID take that leap of faith, begin fighting again to reach my goal weight. My body and mind wasnt happy at that weight.... even if i tried telling myself that it was. I used unhealthy behaviours that meant that i either stayed that same weight or lost weight. I couldnt have stayed there long... or maybe i could have, but my body wouldnt have felt good, i didnt have my period. I felt cold, tired and depressed. My mind still filled with black thoughts.

But as i began eating more, gaining more weight i stopped focusing on my body. On the way i looked. I had decided i am going to reach my goal weight of 58-60kg. And that was that. I accepted the fact that i was going to weigh more, i was going to gain weight. I was scared of looking huge, but i fought those fears. And thought, living a healthy life. Having my life BACK, being able to enjoy living would be so much better than being underweight.
  I was tired of being sick, but also i was so scared of going back to Mando. Of letting everyone around me down. I had been told several times when i was sick, that they couldnt help me. Mando wanted to kick me out as they thought i was a helpless case... that i needed some other form of treatment... namely back to psychiatric ward, have me strapped down and tube fed. (Though my mum absaloutly refused that, and so did I). And i wanted to prove to those doctors, to those people who didnt believe me, that i actually CAN!
  And look at me now... they can eat their words. Infact i would love to go back there and flaunt that i have been declared healthy almost 2 years... and they told me that i couldnt be helped.

I dont ever regret recovery, it was the best decision of my life. Though.... there are times when i can think, i wish i could go back to looking like that. Those thoughts last about  5 seconds and only pop into my head once or twice a year. Usually when im stressed or having very bad body image days. But i always remind myself, What would i be giving up to look liike that? It isnt healthy, for the body or mind to be too skinny or underweight. And if you are using unhealthy behaviours to maintain your body or weight, then its not healthy either. And this is something that is important to remember.
   You might want to look a certain way or weigh a certain number, But does your body that? Your body isnt a plane which you can just try to control... it is its own machine, it knows how to function, it knows whats best for it... so dont let your mind try to control your body. Instead, try to actually listen to your body.
 Is it healthy or not?

(This is a repost from 2014. )

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Long day in school, sunshine and endless hunger

Hello :)

It is Tuesday evening and I am sitting wrapped up in blankets as i am freezing despite it being around 18 degrees outside today, but ive had to walk around wearing my jacket in school and double layers in doors. It feels like a throw back to the past when i was freezing despite it being summer and warm, though now i blame it on the stress and my body is just weird when it comes to temperature... either i am really warm or really cold, and not to mention that i have bad blood circulation to my feet and hands so they are always icy cold. However, that was not what i was going to write about, hahaha.

This morning i woke up feeling positive, despite snoozing for 30 minutes though i blame that on the fact that i couldnt fall asleep yesterday so the hours ticked by and there wasnt many hours of sleep before my alarm rang. And that tiredness hit me hard when i eventually got to school and not to mention that my stomach has been like a black hole, so my thoughts have mostly been on food and sleep.

Today i had two seminariums and for my first one despite having prepared and answered the questions necessary i hadnt actually learnt anything. I have been so mentally exhausted so all i could really do was answer the questions and not actually learn the information, and that showed itself during the seminarium where pretty much all i said was wrong... and now in afterhand i feel so embarrassed. Because some things which i said i know are wrong, but my mind just wasnt co operating. So not so sure if i passed or if i will have to do a complementary assignment, but atleast i know the information somewhat even if i didnt exactly prove it when i had the chance, oh well. After that anyway i had 3,5 hours of waiting time until it was time for my next seminarium. And during that 3,5 hours i got a little work done though my energy levels went from "just had 10 cups of coffee" to "i want to sleep for 48 hours straight" and it just went up and down, up and down... so would have 20 minutes of productivity and then 10 minutes wondering if i should just head home and accept a complementary assignment for the missed seminarium, but i stayed for those 3,5 hours and somehow managed to get myself through the seminarium though not really answering to the best of my capability as i had only done the bare minimum of preparations - once again, mental tiredness. But i think i passed, or i hope so anyway.

And i also left in my essay/report, and not feeling so great with that essay but now ive left it in and can tick that off my list anyway. So it feels like i have a little more room to breathe and little less on my shoulders after today. So this evening i have been able to just eat, rest and watch series and not feel like i have to do anything else as i have been so productive today! Its a nice feeling, and now im ready for tomorrow which is my last lecture of the week and then its just study at home for my test!

Onto other things, it feels good to be back in my own apartment again however i am missing Daisy alot. I dont miss people, maybe a bad quality/trait but thats just how i am, but i do miss my dog and whenever i see people out walking with their dogs or see pictures of people with their dogs i miss Daisy a little extra, hahaha. Its strange how you can miss an animal so much, but not miss other people.... That sounds so awful when i write it XD hahahah. Though i guess i cant write that in any nice way and i just hope that my family and such dont read my blog ^_^

Anyway, to end this post.... my positives of the day:

Sunshine, because even if i havent felt so warm today i can atleast appreciate the sun!
My workout - taking it easy, but it still feels great to workout.
Ticking 3 assignments off my list.

My tattoos... Each time i see them they always make me so happy. Many people dont understand or like tattoos and thats ok, as long as they respect my choice to have them and that i like them. I mean i respect their choice to not like or have tattoos... but for me, i love mine so much and they are a part of me. A part of my life and my history and so much meaning as well as i love the fact that they make m unique (even if my tattoos are far from unique, they are as original as you can be), but they make me who i am. And they remind me to be happy, to reach for my goals, to keep fighting and to keep going no matter how tough it may be, to keep breathing even when i just want to give up but also to keep focusing on the positives and the happiness, let go of the negative and to reach my goals and dreams!!

What are YOUR positives of the day? :)

It's not your fault that you suffer from a mental illness, but it IS your choice to recover

During the weekend i had a conversation with my mum where she was talking about mental illnesses and eating disorders and how they are doing alot more research regarding these areas and how mental illnesses arent a choice... though the fact that this isnt common knowledge is sort of scary. (I mean shouldnt people know by now that people dont choose an eating disorder, depression, anxiety or panic attacks or bipolar etc etc? It's not exactly something someone willingly chooses to live with and wants it a part of their life.) Anyway, my mum then reminded me that it wasnt my fault that i had developed an eating disorder in the past or that i struggled with mental illness and i told her that i never thought it was.... all the time i was sick i knew that it wasnt my fault, and i never blamed my mum either. However my mum then proceeded to tell me how she had been blamed very often during my years of illness... my mum had been the victim and person to blame for why i was sick. And i remember she had told me once before that while i was in hospital in Ireland all the blame had been put on my mother and she was constantly told by the doctor that she was a bad mother, she had raised me wrong etc and even in Sweden she got critisizm. Not to mention that she got critisizm from people in our family who told her that she had raised me wrong, that she was the reason i was sick and struggling. Hearing that made me so sad, because that is not the case at all... i dont think you can blame anyone for developing an eating disorder, i mean sure if there is trauma or abuse in family or relationships that can definitely be a trigger but there are people who go through trauma or abuse and dont develop mental illnesses because they cope in other ways (which arent necessarily better as they might turn to drinking or drugs, but still they cope in other ways than how a person deals with things when they have a mental illness).

For me my mum has always been my rock and the person there who has supported me and the only one who ever listened to me. She tried to help me as best she could while i was sick, however i was very manipulative so i did abuse the fact that she listened to me and wanted me to be happy when the only thing that made me happy was to do what my eating disorder told me to do. I think it is so outdated and old fashioned that doctors and people blame family for why a person develops an eating disorder, i mean in some cases it might be due to family problem. But for my mum she had to struggle with the fact that her daughter was starving herself, ready to jump infront of a train or die from a heart attack and at the same time being told that all of that was due to her and her raising me wrong... How awful is that?

But i want to remind you all that it is NOT your fault that you struggle with a mental illness. And i know at times you can feel like a burden to everyone around you, i mean i still struggle with that and feel like a burden to everyone around me. But you arent... if people cant deal with the fact that you are struggling then they will walk away and LET THEM. That is one of the best things i have learnt, is that during the tough times the people who truly care will still be there for you. The people who walk out of your life when you struggle arent people you want in your life anyway, no matter how tough it may be.  And of course people also have a right to leave when things get tough, sometimes you need to be the one to do that, for example if a friendship or relationship starts getting toxic to your own health physically or mentally then sometimes you neeed to leave even if the other person is struggling, but you know that you cant help and that being in that situation is just making things worse for you, and that needs to be understandable for both sides.

But back to the actual topic. Nobody chooses a mental illness but you do have a choice to recover. Each day, each moment you have the choice to make a difference and make a change. You might not choose to be sick but each time you choose to hurt yourself, each time you choose to skip a meal or each time you choose to not take your medication or to workout despite knowing you shouldnt, then that is a choice which takes you further from recovery.

Dont blame yourself for being sick, but take YOUR power back to recover. You do have the power and strength to recovery, even if it is just tiny, baby steps... they make a difference, but you have to be willing to change as well.

Stop thinking about the past and the "what ifs", instead focus on the present and the future and what you can do now to make things better and to choose recovery, not your illness. Dont blame others and dont blame yourself, instead decide to make a difference and to get better and get your life and strength back!

My opinion on "healthified food"

Now a days you can find "healthified" recipes for pretty much any food out there. It might not taste the same as the original but it a sort of copy cat/fake version of the original.

What is my opinion on this, and does it encourage disordered eating?

My opinion is that it is great. For the average person who eats balanced i think its great... somedays you want a normal pizza, otherdays you want a pizza made with a cauliflower crust. Somedays you want pasta other days you want zoodles. Some days you eat oreo cookies and other days you eat banana and oat cookies. I love that you can choose.... i mean one day i might want to go to a "healthy or raw food cafe" and eat a raw food cheesecake, other days i wish that the cheesecake factory was in Sweden so i could order 3 cheesecakes. I dont think people should have to choose "either or" i.e either all they eat is oatmeal, raw food balls and cauliflower pizza or all they eat is regular burgers, mac and cheese and chocolate brownies. I think you can have both... just like its ok to eat a salad and then chocolate for lunch, or eat pizza for dinner and then want to have fruit for dessert.

What i dont like about the "healthified" foods is when they make it out like the original food should be something you feel guilty for eating and so the healthified food is "guilt free", that is something i get easily irritated over. And i do believe that labelling food as "guilt free" or "filled with sugar and carbs so you should feel guilty for eating it" adds to disordered eating. Also i cant deny the fact that because of these newer and varied versions of food and as they are becoming more of a trend i do think it can add to disrodered eating 1) pointing out that the original versions are bad and shouldnt be eaten but also 2) because those who have eaitng disorders think its ok to just eat zoodles and egg white pancakes and cauliflower pizza.
  I mean just because you eat some type of fake version of a food doesnt mean that you are healthy? But i find that many people who are recovering say "oh i eat pizza and i eat burgers and i eat pasta" when in actuality what they are eating is cauliflower pizza, chickpea burgers with portabello mushrooms or lettuce leaves as bread and zoodles or carrot-zoodles as pasta....... that doesnt exactly say recovered. HOWEVER recovered doesnt mean that you sit with oreo cookies in one hand and mac and cheese in the other just to show that you are recovered.

I think that both options are great... i mean sure cauliflower mash IS delicious but so is potatoe wedges with lots of oil and salt and lots of qucamole and halloumi and creme fraiche. Banana and egg pancakes are delicious or protein waffles but american fluffy pancakes with nutella and salted nuts and berries is also pretty damn delicious. And i believe that the balance of the two is what is best.

Like mentioned earlier you dont need to just eat egg whites and salad, but you dont need to eat just pizza and fries either. Mix it up and eat what it is you want right then. Because sometimes i want to bake using chickpea flour or almond flour and use stevia and other times i am adding extra chocolate, nutella and butter just because it is damn delicious and who wants plain cookies when you can have nutella cookies!

Thats my opinion on it anyway. And the important thing is to be honest with yourself and know why you eat certain foods. 

I mean i have eaten cauliflower mashed potatoes 1) Because i dont like mashed potatoes 2) Because i wanted to try it and 3) Because i wanted something "Lighter" but also something filling.

Be honest with yourself... are you eating zoodles because you enjoy it or because it has practically no kcal?

This is my opinon, what is your opinion? :)

(And when it comes to vegan alternatives i think that is great, but once again i think people should be honest to themselves about why they are vegan or plant based!)

Sometimes you need that ^^^and sometimes you need this: