Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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When food/eating gets boring

Something i have noticed alot recently is people telling me they get bored of eating and bored of food. And trust me, i understand this. I went through a phase of this when i was at Mando. I was like fine, ok i need to eat. But the food i eat is just so boring i want to eat something else. Imagine for a year all you had eaten for snacks is plain/vanilla yoghurt, fruit, cornflakes/muslie, crisp bread/bread & butter & cheese/jam & a mix of juice flavours..... eating that 3 times per day for a year (almost) i was like: Nope, im not eating this anymore. I am tired of food, i am tired of eating. I was bored.... which very often happens to me. I find combinations i love and then i get bored of them, try something else and love it and keep eating it until i move onto a next combination.
   I went to the dietician several times trying to get her to change my meal plan... give me new options. I think i had some of the most options for snacks at Mando. Most people only had 1-3 options and i had 5-7 options on all of my snacks (morning, afternoon and night snack). I did struggle with indecisiveness, but it actually helped to have many options to choose from because then if i was craving one option it was easy to choose that.

There was also a period when i was half recovered and i became super bored of eating. I understood you had to eat but at the same time i didnt want to eat. I felt like my whole day was just spent eating, and i was bored of it. I didnt want to have to keep lifting a spoon or fork to my mouth all the time. These types of thoughts seem crazy to someone who has never had an eating disorder but i understand them because i have had them as well. Even sometimes now a days when i feel like i just spend my whole time eating i get bored of it and think.... isnt there more to life than food? hahah

Soo... how to combat these 2 problems. When it comes to boredom of what you are eating then try new foods. Look at some food inspirtion on Tumblr or Pinterest. Find new recipes. Go to the food shop and look at aisles you havent looked at before try a new food. Like maybe try glass noodles instead of egg noodles or try a new bread type or buy a new kind of fruit or biscuit. Of course if you follow a meal plan it might be harder to change the foods as you have to follow your meal plan but trying talking to your dietician, tell him/her that you want to try new foods. Trust me, you might be surprised.
   Instead of eating yoghurt 3 times a day or bread 3 times a day maybe try rice pudding or oatmeal or pancakes as part of a snack. If you eat the same food all the time of course you will get bored... who wants to live in a square box all their life anyway? Try new foods and new things. Broaden your taste buds!!

And when it comes to feeling bored/tired of eating... then find things to do. If you are an inpatient/daypatient or have to just be at home then find activities like scrapbooking, making collages, editing photos, online games, sims, watching movies, watching tutorials, painting, drawing, making jewelry, learning a new language or subject etc etc... things which you can devote your time to so that it doesnt feel like you just sit around and wait for your next meal. Instead food should be something you enjoy.. it shouldnt be eating just because you have to eat (of course that is how it can feel at times, but then you need to try making food more fun). Trying new foods or even decorating your foods... like making pancakes and then having really delicious toppings like chocolate buttons, whipped cream, strawberries, granola etc can make it more fun to eat. Or if you have spent time preparing your food (though i dont advise spending too much time planning/thinking/preparing food or spending too much time looking at food pictures or recipes because this can lead to obsessive behaviour which isnt good either.)

Find ways to make eating and food fun, something you enjoy not something you are bored or dread.
 
It can also help to make things like smoothies and milkshakes and easily eaten food when you are having a period where you are just tired of eating. Then drink juice/milk/smoothies as snacks and other things such as bananas, cookies, nuts, dried fruit etc!!! :)

I hope this helps anyone who is feeling this way at the moment :) 







When it's getting colder and darker find things you enjoy doing

Here in Sweden the temperature is dropping rapidly and the afternoons are quickly becoming darker. 

This can lead to increased sadness, depressive thoughts and just feeling low on energy. It's easy to feel demotivated to do things when it's dark and cold outside. Because let's admit it.... no matter how positive you try to be, the warm comfy bed is always more tempting than getting up at 6am and having to walk out into the snow and cold.

The best way to get you feeling more positive and not feel so low is to have things to look forward to. And to do things you enjoy. When It gets colder and darker even i can find it hard to get to the gym or even leave the house but I know that I will feel better if I do. Because sometimes the hardest thing is to actually leave the house.

Plan this with friends and family. Maybe go for coffee or to the cinema,  or out to eat. Or just have a move night at home. Or have some friends or family over for dinner or baking. Start a new hobby or activity.

Small things every week which can motivate you. Or even small things like wrapping yourself in a blanket,  drinking some tea and reading a book can be your motivation in the morning to leave the house and go to school knowing that when you come home you can do those things.

Also think about taking extra D vitamin and getting some fresh air everyday!!! Try to leave the house even if you don't want to, it can help. Or call a friend or talk to someone. If you are someone who does get winter depressed don't be scared to talk to someone.

Don't let winter, coldness and darkness bring you down. Instead make the best of the situation. Because whether you like it or not.... winter comes around every year (if you live in Europe anyway :))


Ice cream and chocolate can make everything better

Its times like tonight that i wish i was a party girl... I wish that i could just drink loads of alcohol and not care. But i do care... i dont like what alcohol does to my body, i dont like how it makes me think, i dont like the feeling the next day. However when it comes to alcohol i am an all or nothing type of person - which is a little contradictory to what i wrote in my last post about food and binging. How food shouldnt be seen as an all or nothing type of thing. But i just dont see the point in taking 1 cider, why not have 4 while im at it. However at New years or out on a date then im fine with just a glass of wine or champagne but when it comes to parties either i dont drink at all or i drink lots.

On social media today all i seem to see is peoples halloween outfits and them getting ready to party and yes, a slight bit of jealousy is rising within me. Im only human. But i havent been invited to a party and neither do i feel like going out partying. But i guess seeing everyones photos makes me want to grab a bottle of wine, put on an outfit and head to a club. But that is just a sort of social pressure i guess... its like how some people see a picture of someone at the gym and suddenly they want to drag on their gym clothes and go to the gym just because they saw a picture or two...

Tonight im feeling like an 80 year old teenager.... what am i even doing with my teenage years? I guess from all the movies ive seen growing up ive expected my teenage years to be spent partying, drinking, late nights, falling in love, having my heart broken, all these perfect moments in school etc etc but thats now how life is. Life isnt like a movie... and if im honest, i am happy that im not some wild party girl. I much prefer waking up being clear headed and spending my day doing something productive.
     But sometimes i wonder.... what will i think of my teenage years 10 years from now. Will i even have any memories to tell or any photos or something to share? Or will my teeange years just be spent doing the same old. Same old??

All these thoughts... they are the ones that fuck you up the most. Expecting things to be a certain way but then they arent at all like you imagined :/

Ohh well i will spend my evening with ice cream, chocolate and granola. Its halloween afterall, have to celebrate it somehow ;)
   And my sister and I have also planned that someday we will go out for drinks and go to a club... Strange but im looking forward to it. I definitely feel i need to go out some night and just dance and drink a glass or two of something :) ( And no i dont promote drinking... these are just my thoughts ;))





Breakfast for lunch & advice about binging.

I am someone who promotes cooked food for lunch. 1)Because its delicious and 2)it gives you the energy you need and 3)it has all the macros (YES, you need carbs, protein and healthy fats for lunch (and dinner!)) you need.
  But somedays like today... well cooked lunch just didnt seem so appetizing. And as i love breakfast and love breakfast food but my breakfast this morning wasnt so delicious i felt i needed to make up for it by eating a delicious breakfast for lunch ;)
   Somedays this is what you need!

So cold oatmeal (sounds strange buts its like overnight oats... but you have already cooked it - and then i put it in the fridge for an hour) with quark & granola. 2 eggs, nuts and a questbar. Yup....eat to grow!! I felt super hungry for lunch, and that meal kept me going for a very long time!!!




Recently i have been getting alot of emails about binging and binge eating and the amount of people who have been emailed me about this is frightening. Though i completly understand what you are going through, i have been through it as well. Binging on foods in the evening or when no one was at home. Sometimes i didnt even know why i binged - though the fact was i wasnt eating enough and binging was my bodies way of saying it was hungry and wanted food. Binging also occured when i was stressed or had anxiety.
 Its also important however to distinguish extreme hunger and binging... binging can happen at rare occasions or certain times at days or they are linked to certain feelings such as loneliness, stress, anxiety, guilt etc

If you are binging its important to realise that that isnt healthy either. Thats the other side of anorexia when you have gone from complete control to no control... but you need to find a balance. Because its ok that somedays you take an extra slice of cake because its so delicious but its not ok when you eat half a cake and you cant control yourself or you stand in the kitchen and eat a packet of biscuits, half a box of cereal and 3 slices of bread.
  If you find yourself binging try to figure out why.... are you drinking enough water? Eating enough?Eating enough carbs? Are you tired? Are you stresssed? Are you bored? What are you feeling?
  It can help to eat frequent meals, increasing your carbohydrate intake, drinking more water and just adding a bit more food to each of your meals. And when you feel those feelings of wanting to binge. Distract yourself... leaving the house is one of the best options or calling a friend or talking to someone. Try not to keep food in your room or to just hang around where there is food.

Food should not be seen as a nothing or everything type of thing. Its not black and white. Yes, you can eat just a row of chocolate, you dont have to eat the whole thing. Yes you can eat a slice or a slice or two of cake. You dont have to finish it all.'
   Try to find balance and an inbetween... if there are certain foods you cant keep from binging on then try to keep them out of the house until you feel that you have more of a balance with your food and you dont have any thoughts of binging. Then when that is under control you can begin to reintroduce those foods again and see how you cope.

Remember that binging is also an eating disorder and its not uncommon for people with anorexia to begin binging. Ive been through it, its tough and its not fun. There are feelings of guilt and shame but DO seek help or talk to someone. Try to control the binges, distract yourself. However DONT just let the binges continue and DONT restrict the next day because that will lead to the viscious cycle of restrcit - binge - purge - restrict cycle.




How i think a therapist would have helped me

Hi Izzy, 
I'm actually in the middle of pursuing my goal as a psychologist. I just wanted to ask you what do you actually think about the therapist and what did you actually want from them when you were still sick? Do you want them to be strict or to be supportive? Things like that. I'm thinking of furthering my studies as ED specialist, and your answers will be a great help for me!! I wonder if you can write a post about how an ED specialist should do from your point of view? Thanks!


Therapy has never really been anything i have been interested in... or i have, but i have been to numerous therapists and they have never helped me. They have just deemed me too sick because i havent been able to talk. This is something i am aware of, i struggle to talk about my problems so therapy has never been something that has helped me. 
   Even though i know therapy is about talking about your problems, but i do believe there are other ways therapists could have helped me.
  Whenever someone - or a therapist asked me questions such as why arent you eating? Why are you so scared of being fat? why are you doing this/not doing this? etc all i wanted to do was shout F**k you and storm out of the room. I couldnt answer those types of questions because i didnt know the answer myself. I didnt know why i couldnt eat or why i was so scared of becoming fat. I didnt know the reason, it was just something i did... 

For some people it helps when coaxing and thinking questions such as those are asked. They get the patient to think. But for me, that never worked i just got angry if someone tried to pry into my thoughts or feelings. I am someone who is independant and doesnt like to ask others for help or to put my problems on someone else, i keep them to myself.
   
Expressing myself in spoken words is not easy for me either however i can express myself in written words or drawings. I am not good at drawing but when i was sick i found myself scribbling and doodling on paper - a way of expressing myself. If a therapist had given me a piece of paper and just asked me to draw whatever or just doodle i can imagine that would have helped me. I could have sat silently the whole hour and just drawn or written things... it would have helped me. Whether i would have shown the drawing or not i dont know... but i can imagine if the therapist had seen my drawings and than maybe gotten me to speak about it... or asked me why i drew a crying sun or why i wrote fat 150 times on a piece of paper maybe it would have gotten me to say something.
    
Sometimes speaking isnt the only way to express yourself and i think its important to be able to help those who dont feel comfortable talking.

Sometimes silence also helps... if you use the silent method where you just let the patient say something when they feel like it... sometimes the silence builds up and the person just bursts. They dont like the silence, they want to say something but feel they cant but eventually when its gone 45 minuts and nothing has been said they might say something small which can then lead to conversation.
   I am someone who only really speaks about my problems if i burst due to stress/anxiety or because i end up metnioning something about it and then everything comes flowing out like a shaken cola bottle.

I think its important for a therapist to come with some good advice and coping mechanisms aswell... to not just say i understand all the time. Because that can get frustrating. But to give advice such as hwo to cope before meal times, during meal times and after meal times. Tips on how to stay positive etc
  
Asking the patient how you can help them is also good... because everyone is different. Of course some people dont know how they can be helped, for example if you had asked me when i was sick i would have told you leaving me alone would help me. But you cant give up on a person.
  I do believe therapy is very helpful, but you just need to find what suits you and the therapist needs to help with that. To find a method that will help the patient.

Sometimes just sitting and talking about the weather or other things can be helpful. To get the patients mind off of everything else in their head. Though of course the silent method and just talking about random things can seem silly when a patient has to pay a high fee every session and all you do is talk about random things or silt in silence.

I think a therapist should be a mix of strict and supportive... sometimes you need to be strict but other times more supportive. But talking positively, listening, understanding and coming with useful tips and advice is the best according to me :)

Hopefully this helps you.

And to my readers if you have any suggestions on what would have helped you please comment!

Happy Halloween

I guess i should start off with Happy Halloween ?! :)

halloween has never really been something i celebrate so much. I havent really seen the point of it and now when im older and live in the city there is even less point of Halloween. Unless you enjoy dressing up or partying... or you want a reason to eat as much candy as possible. Im not so interested in any of those 3 things. I can eat as much chocolate or candy whatever day  it is anyway.

So no halloween plans for me... I had thought i would invite friends over for dinner and watch a movie but then i realised that i have 6 chairs and there are c.a 9-10 of my friends and we wouldnt fit. ;( So thats disappointing. I cant wait until we move to our new apartment... there we have 2 bathrooms and another room where there is a shower and sink. (This is pretty much the best thing because 1 bathroom for 4 people in the apartment we live in now = disaster & chaos!)
   But also there are 4 floors in the one apartment and its not one of those tiny little floors either. Its a big apartment :) So stay tuned from December onwards because then i am sure you will get small peeks of the apartment :) - Sounds like some type of series or something.....*Coming next on.....*
haaha!!

You might have realised by now that i am good at wondering off topic! Sort of what happens in my brain as well... i start thinking of something and end up at something completely different!

Back to topic.... this morning our fridge was gaping empty. Little to be found in there, though luckily my deformed pancakes from yesterday were still there and we still had some eggs and milk. So.... pancakes & a sweet egg cake (2 eggs & egg whites & milk - into the microwave for 6-8 minutes. & then add some milk to cool it down afterwards :))) & coffee.
   Simple... kind of bland. Cant say its an amazing or wow breakfast. But you have to be creative and its better to eat a sort of tasteless boring breakfast than not eat at all!!! :)


What did YOU eat for breakfast today? :) Something alot tastier than my own im guessing, haah!

How i kept going

I got asked a little while ago, How i kept going. And its hard to answer, sometimes even I wonder how i actually kept going. How i took myself through the dark nights filled with anxiety, the meal times that were surrounded with panic and guilty feelings, the suicidal and depressive thoughts, the voice in my head screaming that i was fat, shouldnt eat, needed to lose weight....But i did take myself through those times, and i know you can as well.

For me, i am a very determined and motivated person. If i put a goal up for myself, i want to reach it. Do i fight 110% to reach that goal everyday, no i dont. Im only human. But i know in the back of my head that i need to take small steps to reach the big goal, and thats what i did.

My goal was to come home, to be healthy. I had my sister as my inspiration, she was living her life. Going to school, had friends, a boyfriend. Ate when she was hungry, stopped when she was full. Ate both healthy and unhealthy and had(still has!) a gorgeous body. And thats what i wanted.....
   I didnt want to be in hospital. I still wanted to be skinny, and the thought of gaining weight, the thought of becoming bigger and reaching my goal weight scared me. And i had times where i just wanted to give up because i didnt want to gain wieght, i didnt want to become bigger. But in the end, i knew i wanted to be healthy. So many years had passed me by. So many years of over exercising, starving myself, purging, self harm. I had missed out on friends, parties, special occasions. Ruined Christmasses and Easters, 2 years in a row my family had come to visit me in hospital on my sisters birthday. Sat and cried on my birthday because people were coming over and i didnt want to eat.
   So many bad memories, and i didnt want it anymore.



My decision to actually recover came a few weeks after my last time as an inpatient, it was like something clicked in me. I was tired mentally and physically of being sick and i wanted to come home.
  And then all these small steps that took me in the right direction towards recovery. It wasnt always easy, infact in the beginning it wasnt easy at all. I still tried cheating, i still couldnt relax, but i had this mentality that i was atleast going to try. That when i got a chance to go to a cafe with my sister, instead of choosing the lowest cal option, i chose what I wanted. Small things like that.
  Actually choosing cheese on my bread instead of jam, which i had always chosen.



Its tough to recover, its a constant battle inside your head but you need to havea  goal. You have to WANT recovery. That is one of the most important things i tell people. Set up small goals for yourself, like go 2 weeks without purging or binging. Or if you gain X kilo you will do something you've wanted to do or buy something you've wanted etc. All these small goals which get you working towards the bigger goal.

There were nights in recovery where i cried myself to sleep, days filled with anxiety, hate towards my body and my life and wanting to give up. Times where i skipped a meal due to anxiety. But i got back on track... just because i messed up, that didnt stop me.

  And then when i had my half recovered stage where i stayed a few months, beause i had no motivation to recover... i was still sick, but tried to convince myself i wasnt. But once i got my motivation back to actually recover fully, then i worked towards that goal.


You need to keep going and know that it gets better even if it doesnt feel like it, right at the moment. Because you know what, sometimes it feels ebtter to give up. To dig a hole and just lie there, refusing ot get up. But that isnt going to help... that just makes things worse. Because who knows, tomorrow could be one of the best days of your life, but you miss it because you lock yourself away, or give up on life.
   So keep going, even during the darkest and toughest days. That is my best advice.

You know how it is to be sick, why not give healthy a chance? What i was told in recovery, and it sounds very contradictory is, Why not try reaching my goal weight, if i dont like it. I can lose the weight again. And that is so true.
   If i wanted to, i could go back to starving myself, go back down to 40kg if i wanted. But thats NOT what i want. I WANT to eat, i want to nourish myself and my body. I like the way i look and feel no need to starve myself or be super skinny.
    You always have the choice of going back to being sick, but you need to ask yourself, is that really what you want? Do you really want to feel the way you do?

If you liked the way you feel, the way you are living, you honestly wouldnt be on my blog, would you? So why not give Recovery a chance?




When the day blurs into one

Wondering where this day has gone, which i seem to do with far too many days recently.
    After breakfast it was a visit to the gym where i could tune everything out for a while and listen to my new workout music and just feel super strong. Be in my zone. I love it :) And even if i have all the time in the world - almost my workouts are still only 45-60 minutes... how people manage to have 2 hour workouts? Its like... what do they do... how do they have energy? I eat lots but after an hour.. all energy is gone.
   Though really, no more than an hour is needed anyway... not unless you are some strong lifter or cross fitter who spend 2-5 hours at the gym everyday. Somedays i think i could do that, but i think 80 minutes is my MAX energy amount ;)

^^Just some random babbling.

I had packed lunch with me so i took the bus to the library and sat there with my computer, documents and lunch, and began trying to remember where i last left off. Ive noticed that looking in my journal jsut stresses me out.... the 8 page science essay i thought was due week 49 is actually week 47... i had planned to not begin working on it until after the break as i have other things to focus on as well, but now i realise i have to begin on it if i am going to manage my upcoming history essay, maths test, english essay and my own project research at the same time.
  Ohh the wonders of school, even on the school break it seems to haunt me. BUT....im not stressing. Instead, i closed my journal, began my research, worked for 3 hours and then felt satisfied with my work for the day (and will go back tomorrow).
  There is no point stressing, i am actually doing something about my work load. And i am in good time as well.

Stress = anxiety = feeling depressed = my stomach getting all messed up = pain and bloating. = feeling even worse = NOT WORTH IT.



Stress is really the worst thing for your body, so i am trying to avoid it as much as possible :)

So this evening its been series watching and making pancakes.... which turned more into a black scramble... which i ended up eating most of anyway = sore stomach.

Now..... time to do something other than lie in bed. Time to maybe socialize, or something?! :) (Yes, i like to write out my trail of thoughts on my blog ) :)

Have a great day/evening/night :)

Eating more than others

Eating more than others, this is a topic i could write a book about... i know ALOT about it. And you know what, it was actually one of the things -which i believe - triggered my eating disorder in the beginning.

All my life i have been the skinny girl who has needed to gain weight, and i have been told over and over while growing up To eat more, to eat that chocolate bar, take that extra portion... I was allowed dessert while my siblings werent, i was too have extra whipped cream and ice cream on hot chocolate, i always got the last muffin, the last chicken piece etc etc
  And believe it or not, i hated it!! The amount of arguments i had with my dad because he always made me eat that eextra serving, eat the last bit of food while everyone else - myself included was full. And this was BEFORE i even had an eating disorder.
  My friends, and my older sister were jealous of me because my mum and dad were practically throwing ice cream and chinese food at me.. telling me to eat more. Whilst i hated it... so actually, not eating was almost a rebellion. At the time that my ED began i was rebelling, i didnt want my CF so i stopped taking my medicines in order to be normal, and also i ate less, in order to be normal and like eveyrone else... and that lead to a whole load of problems, and the more problems that arose, the more i began to control food as a way to control my life. I had alot going on at that time and i was only 11... but also i got food comments.
   There is one comment which i remember so clearly.. it burns in my heart each time i think of it, and makes me angry.
  In school we always brought our own lunch, and i often had a sandwich with me. And that day my mum had packed one of those baguette type breads, and i admit it was a BIG piece of bread, but i was going to eat half (or as much as i wanted/could eat anyway) for lunch, and then the rest on the way home. But my teacher came up to me and asked me, if i was really going to eat that much... that i didnt need it.
  Saying that to an already skinny girl just shocks me. That was the beginning of me skipping my lunches, and i was only 11 at the time. And that sprialled to me over the years eating next to nthing and my eating disorder evolving.

Soo... onto the actual topic, of how to deal with eating more than others.
   I've written about this before, but ill write about it again. In recovery you DO eat more than others... i mean you are trying to gain weight.
  
It can be triggering as pretty much 50% of society is on some type of diet and trying to lose weight... restricting food, not eating certain products as well. And that can be tough when you need to sit there with your double lunch portion whilst your co worker or friend sits with a salad.
  But in the end, You need to eat for your goals. This is something i have learned over time... that Who cares what anybody else is doing, eating or exercising? Think about YOURSELF. Dont compare yourself to others.

You have different height, weight, ages, activity levels, goals, metabolisms... Infact, many people actually undereat, or overeat... they dont have a balance in their life. People are brain washed to eat 1200 kcal a day, but then can end up binging on the weekends eating 3000/4000kcal... but if they just had a balance all the time, that wouldnt happen. Mnay people dont realise how much they can eat without gaining weight... though of course, everyone is different. Im not saying everyone can eat 2500 and not gain weight, but i mean most people should be able to eat around the 2000kcal mark without gaining weight, but many female anyway, eat way less than that.

Focus on yourself... WHAT IS YOUR GOAL? You want and need to gain wieght... so is eating salad and tiny portions going to help you do that? Are you going to follow some diet just because your friend is doing it aswell?
  Or are you going to fill your plate with delicious food and know that this is what your body needs, and not feel guilty about it... infact, your friends/family will most probably feel jealous...
  Most people would love to be told they can eat as much as they want... though i know from experience, that when you're told that, its not as fun as it seems. When you know you can eat everything and anything, you dont actually want to do it.

Its like reverse psychology, you want what you cant have?`When you can eat everything and loads, you just want to go on a diet and eat salad. But when you are on a diet all you want is to be told to go to an all you can eat buffet and eat all you want! haha

See food as energy that will HELP you. Its not something to be scared of.. tune out what others are doing. If you find someone trigger FACE THE FEAR. Dont get angry at your friend, just realise that you cant control what others eat and do...

Comments about eating lots... This i know far too well!
  Once again, its best to try to tune these comments about. Many people say things wtihout thinking... comment about how much and what you eat. People often focus a little too much attention on what others are eating rather than themselves... If you have ever noticed its the people who go to McDonaldseveryday who comment on people who are vegan or who eat healthy and tell them that they are uynhealthy.
  Its a sort of coping mechanism... you dont want to focus your attention on yourself, so you focus it on someone else. And most people often think they are right, they know best...
  One thing which i hate is when people comment and tell me to either eat more(?), or eat less (?). Unless someone eats all their meals with me, then they have no right to comment. Because they have no idea what i ate...
  Ex. Say if i post one of my dinner pictures on here and i just eat a chicken salad and get comments that i dont eat carbohydrates... well, you dont really know whetjher i just ate a loaf of bread before or a whole chocolate bar, or just dont want any carbs for my meal....
   Just like if i were to eat 3 plates at a buffet and someone comments and tells me i eat alot, they dont know whether i just ran a marathon, or havent eaten the whole day etc...


 
Best way to deal with comments... either talk to the person if its someone close. Or if its someone who you know, but not that well... explain to them. Ex. if someone asks why you eat vegetarian, or why you are eating so much... tell them you are hungry, or why you eat vegetarian. You dont have to be rude... but it can be better to confront the person, instead of just sitting there and thinking about the comment all the time.

This post is getting long, so im going to cut it here... but just FOCUS ON YOURSELF. NOT ON OTHERS.
  Know that what and how much you are eating is for YOUR sake. And so what if someone eats breakfast and then doesnt eat again for dinner... feel sorry for those people who forget to eat, or just eat cereal for breakfast and then dont eat again for the next 6 hours.
  Thats the way THEY eat. You dont have to eat that way. Dont focus on them, focus on yourself and your own diet. And face the triggers and anxiety, there is no other way around it.
 
People eat differently and you cant control that.




Feeling like i have 101 things to do today.

Waking up this morning and having too much energy, but at the same time... feeling a bit of a time press. If i had the time today i would have liked to run long distance, but also go for a powerwalk as well as lift heavy weights..... I have too much energy ;) as you can tell.
  But nope, its either one or the other....

Yesterday when i realised that it was already Wednesday and today is Thursday i felt a little panicked... like what have i done with these past few days? I have quite alot of school work and studying to do which i just havent thought about for these past few days because well... im on a school break. So why do school work? Amnt i supposed to use this time to rest up? But thats not what the teachers think when they assign research to be done and tests directly after the break. -_-


So today i am planning on spending my day at the library and being there for a few hours and getting my work done :)

Its also crazy to think that tomorrrow is the last day of October and in 2 days time its suddenly November,.... Where has this year gone?
    It feels like time it speeding up somehow... its felt like this the past 2 years or so... when i just sat at Mando all day the days felt like weeks. But not a week flies by like an hour.Very weird :)

Time to drink my coffee and get going :)

Have a lovely day everyone :)

The dangers of half recovery

If you want to read about my half recovery you can read HERE or HERE or read my whole recovery HERE

However what i want to bring attention is the awful half recovery... the stage where you might have some normal habits such as being able to eatn 60% of most foods, you are close to or at your goal weight. You might be back to school or work.... you might even look or behave healthy but you still have alot of ED behaviour or thoughts.
    Its this stage where ALOT of people get stuck at....they think that they are healthy. They spend 90% of their time convincing themselves that they are healthy.

Even i did it.

Iwas restricting during the day, i was scared of carbs, i still hadnt eaten chocolate or crisps. I binged and purged in the evenings. I still self harmed at times. There was a voice in my head telling me i was fat and that if i were to gain the 3-5kg i needed then i would look enormous. That voice in my head told me i was healthy, i was normal but i was also too fat. I didnt need anymore food, i didnt need carbohydrates.I didnt need rest. But i was still healthy....

Though i was FAR from healthy. Though i thought i was because i was going to school i was able to eat lunch in school though a small lunch and i ate barely anything or nothing before school because i was restricting for later when i would binge in the evenings.

DONT get stuck in this viscious circle. Dont get stuck in half recovery when you think you arent sick enough for help, you arent sick enough for hospital or treatment because either you can eat something... or your a normal weight or not too underweight.
  But the fact that you think you arent sick enough is a sign that you arent healthy. Because healthy people dont wish to be sick or to be in treatment.

Also remember that eating disorders are in the head... you could be a normal weight or you could be able to eat most types of food. But if you still have ED thoughts in your head then you arent healthy. When you are at this stage its usually you who has to realise that you cant stay there.... your parents, doctors and friends might treat you like you are healthy. But you have to realise that if you have thoughts of starving yourself, compensating for eating, you feel guilty for eating, you skip food, you have fear foods, you dont allow yourself to rest etc etc
  none of those things are healthy and means that you ARENT healthy. No matter what your ED tries to convince you.

Realise that there is MORE TO LIFE and DONT stay in this half recovery, grey zone. TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE.

Hating someone else wont get you far in life

I just felt i had to share this....

Logging onto my blog before i go to bed this evening and i see this comment on one of my older posts (from a few weeks ago):


My fat what....?

I have been called many things on my blog... but fat has never been one of them. Ive had comments that my body from when i was sick and underweight was perfect, but i dont think i have ever (in my life) been called fat.
  Soo... am i going to let an anonymous - who cant even spell right... its You're not your -  person bring me down? Of course not. I dont need acceptance from anybody. I love my body just the way it is :)

You might want to read my previous post about anon hate: HERE

What are you trying to achieve by writing such a comment? Did it make you feel better? Because i can tell you... it sure made me laugh.
  However.. if i was having a bad day and feeling bad in my body already that might not have been the case, i might have felt very bad in my body.

So if you - the person who wrote the comment - if you even read my blog, most probably not because then you would have seen my everyday pictures, but if you do somehow see this post, then if you are struggling and dislike your body.... dont take it out on others. Instead, learn to love yourself... you can hate people and send out hate comments as much as you want but that wont get you far in life and you wont feel very happy in your body.

And even if i was fat... who cares. Its not like you go up to someone and tell them that...



2 seconds after reading the comment... Feeling very unimpressed.





Ne this morning... i may not be fat, but i do have fat on my body ;) remember that!!! 

Keep on hating - ill keep on smiling.
  Your comment is already deleted and im going to bed with a smile on my face - thank you for making me laugh ;);)




Master post of over exercising and exercise in recovery

I was wondering if you would be able to write a post about overtraining. I currently am overtrained and am trying to rectify this. My doctor has told me to take the week off and then go back into things slowly and not work out so much. I am finding this really difficult and wonder if you would be able to help. I know that have an exercise addiction which I use as a crutch to allow myself to eat intuitively but I am really struggling at the moment. I am a healthy weight, but I cannot shake the feeling that I have gained weight through overtraining myself- or at least have some pretty serious fluid retention. Will my body go back to how it was? Sorry all the questions, I am just in a bad place just now and I would really appreciate some advice :) xx

Im sorry to hear that you are overtraining and struggling at the moment but its important to listen to your doctor and to rest. Even if its tough, its what your body needs right now.
  When you over exercise you stress your body too much... your body can go into shcok and begins to hold onto fat and water... ie. making you gain weight and also fat even though you do alot of exercise. Its the bodies way of protecting itsself. Also your workouts become less effective as 1)your heart rate doesnt rise as much, your heart rate stays alot lower as your body is trying to keep you safe. As well as holding onto fat you burn less during your workouts... a protection method as well.
   Your muscles begin to break down instead of fat. You feel tired, you either eat loads or you eat very little.
  You can feel depressed, anxious, have trouble sleeping and get insomnia.

Click THIS post for signs that you are over exercising

They are all symptoms of over exercising and the only way to get rid of it is to rest... this will also help your body let go of water. It helps your body to destress, to feel safer.
  You wont make things better by exercising i can promise you that. I had a period where i was over exercising where i did 1-2 hours cardio everyday because i didnt know better... and it felt like 1 hour wasnt enough i had to keep doing more and more even though i had no energy for it. I ate very little at the time as well.
  I was always bloated, i felt tired and began feeling depressed and getting ED thoughts again. I was completely burnt out and instead of exercise being an enjoyment it began something anxiety filled.
  So i rested... i took a week where i did nothing but short walks with Daisy. It was tough but i needed it and it helped me alot to realise that resting a whole week didnt make me fat. I also began eating more and when i rested more and ate more my energy came back and my motivation for exercise as well.

Exercise SHOULDNT be seen as a compromise for eating. You CAN and SHOULD eat whether you exercise or not.
  Instead you need to face the guilt and anxiety you get. Rest completly for 1-2 weeks and then slowly begin exercising again. DONT make a workout plan, instead try to listen to your body. Do exercise you enjoy and eat extra before and after.

You can try the Replacement method  (post) to help you during this week and to help you find other things you enjoy doing. Not just exercising.
 
You need to sit down and ask yourself why you exercise, do you enjoy it.. why do you need to do the amount you do. Why cant you just rest? Why do you have to exercise?


Here are some posts that can help anyone struggling with over exercise:
How i stopped over exercising
Is exercise taking over your life?
Post about exercise and anxiety over exercise
Exercising while in recovery
Anorexia Athletica
Signs that you are over exercising
Food should not be seen in the amount of exercise you need to do
Everyone else is exercising so why cant i?
Finding balance with exercise
Exercise addiction - answer
Not wanting to sit down - exercise addiction

Round 3, food coma and view of Stockholm!

Lunch with my mum and we went to my favourite food place ever.... almost!!! A vegetarian/vegan lunch buffet!
  Today, because it was Wednesday everything was vegan and most things were raw food as well (apart from the butter that was neither raw food or vegan).
  When i am at a buffet i get my moneys worth of food so first 2 plates of food and than after c.a an hour of digesting the food i went back for a 3rd palte, but only managed 1/2 of it.. It was pretty much mind over matter at that point. My mind said yes because the food was delicious but my body said no.
  Infact i had such afood coma that it was hard to walk to the car and even hard to button my jacet ;);) My poor belly, all the fiber rich food wont be good for it. (One of the changes i made in my diet was to cut down on fiber rich food as that makes me bloat so much. But ill take the consequences because beans, hummous and brocolli is worth it :) ;)

The bread at Hermans (the restaurant) will be my downfall... i am an actual bread addict. I swear. Since i created my own microwave bread i have pretty mcuh eaten it everyday - thats how much i love bread :):) We rarely buy bread in our house as no one eats it and i dont like the pre sliced bread... but fresh bread or my own microwave bread are one of my addictions :):) I thank God that i am not gluten intolerant because i dont think i could give up bread!

My plates were a mix of hummous, bread, brocolli, cauliflower, raisins, chickpeas in a sauce and vegan lasagna (i need to try making this at home it was delicious)!!! Delicious :)

When i came home i was so full that i had to just lie down... i dont think ive been so full since 2011 when i was following my meal plan and my stomach was the size of a walnut! But ill take this discomfort, it was worth all the delicious food :)

Moderation does not apply when it comes to buffets according to me :)



^^,My mum is actually taller than me ;)


















^¨Round 3... and i only managed half of it... :/