Life without Anorexia
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
It's different from meals, because these are foods one never HAS to eat, one just chooses to, and they have the combination of being fun and guilty and easy to consume in large quantities that makes them especially binge-inducing. Plus, if there is some left over, then you know it is there to finish? It's not just chocolate, cake etc that I find this with, I finid it also with some other kinds of foods .....
No pressure to answer this, honestly! Thank you for all your wonderful posts, and for your good sense and strength. have a good evening
I can say that you arent alone in this type of thinking, because you know what... even normal people struggle with this. "How much can they eat" of certain foods. And sometimes it is not easy to stop at one piece of chocolate, instead you eat 4 pieces and then you eat 8 and suddenly you have eaten the whole thing. That does not mean a lack of control but that it tastes soo good, or it could also be a sort of "mindless" thing where if you have the food infront of you and are sitting and working or watching a film or series you are more likely to just eat (which is ok. That is ok :)) I guess you could say that a "normal" portion of food is the recommended amount, though in all honesty... i dont like those because it can make a person feel bad for eating more. When infact maybe the person needed more or wanted more. Sometimes you just need to listen to yourself and what is best for you at that moment, because sometimes all you need is 100g chocolate and who is to say that that is wrong. As long as you arent eating 100g chocolate everyday then doing it once in a while isnt wrong.
Some would say that i eat too much chocolate and that it cant be healthy for me but i know how my body functions and what is best for my body and i feel healthy physically and mentally eating the amount i do, so who is to say thathat is wrong. But also that i maintain my weight eating the amount i do so i amnt eating too much or too little. The way i eat might not work for others but it works for me and that is what is important and it can be good to think like that as well. Forget how much or what others are eating and just focus on what is best for you and what your body needs. Everyone is different and needs different amounts.
I also feel like adding that food should never have the power to make you feel guilty. No matter what it is. No matter if you ate a whole 200g bag of crisps and then a 150g chocolate, that shouldnt make you feel guilty. And unless you lost all control where you physically couldnt stop yourself from eating it isnt a binge, just overeating. It is one thing to eat a little more than normal or than your stomach might want you to just because something is delicious or the type of "mindless eating" where you have the chocolate infront of you while watching a film and you eat the whole thing. But if you cant stop thinking about food and you have times where you lose control around food where you just eat and eat and eat and you cant stop yourself, like your brain goes blank and it is not you in control anymore then you might be suffering with binge eating which is an eating disorder and needs help to recover from.
When it comes to not eating the whole thing it is about your mentality... it is easy to think "Black and white", for some they think if they eat one piece of chocolate they might as well eat it all because they have already "cheated" (hate that word when it comes to food) or that they have already ruined their diet. But that type of thinking is not good when it comes to food, because it is better to eat 1 row of chocolate now and again rather than eat the whole thing all at once. You arent ruining anything by eating just a row and what is left can be eaten another time. You dont have to eat it all at once, even if you have it at home. If you struggle with eating the whole package of things then buy small packages or hide the remaining somewhere you dont see it or get someone to hide it for you. Of course if you arent completely satisfied, eat some more but eating the whole thing (if it is a big pacakge for example it is better to eat 2 or 3 cookies instead of the whole pacakge of 8. So even if you have the other 5 at home you dont need to eat them all at once). For a while i struggled with this, the black and white thinking and if i ever baked anything i would eat a piece and then give the rest to my family and get them to eat as much of it as possible and throw the rest away because if it just sat there i would just eat it all because it felt like if i ate one cookie i had already done "wrong" and might as well just eat everything. Very wrong type of thinking. Throwing away food did work, but it was not a good long term way of helping as it cost money and was very wasteful. Instead i had to learn to deal with the fact that i dont need to eat everything at once, i can eat a row of chocolate and be satisfied, maybe 2 rows but i dont have to eat the whole thing unless that is what i want to do, anyway.
It is your mindset you need to change. You can enjoy foods and they should never make you feel guilty and you can eat foods in moderation/balance. This might not be the best answer but i hope it helps somewhat and below are some links which might help as well :)
Black and white thinking
A single food wont make you fat or unhealthy
Overeating because it is delicious
Food is not a test, you can't cheat on it
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Crossfit this evening and by 5 I was tired. I have barely done anything today as I had some unexpected things that I had to do and delayed my schedule so by 3pm I hadn't gotten anything I had planned to do done. The library wasn't open either (strange) and it was far too dark at home so today turned into a non study day. That adds some stress to my life and not having so much social time this week as I am quite far behind with my studies. But that doesn't bother me so much as I don't feel very much like socialising anyway.
Anyway when it was 7pm it was time to head to crossfit and once I got there I was energized and ready to go. Not to mention that we were doing presses which I love doing and we also did a 16 minute WOD which was tough but so much fun and made me realise how I really do like crossfit. I like the short and intense workouts and being pushed out of my comfort zone. But also I got a lot of appraisal, I mean that is always fun!! I think the first impression I gave was a blonde, spray tanned weak girl but then today I showed that I actually work hard. I'm not afraid to sweat, push my limits and make weird faces. I'm not about being pretty when I workout. But also I think I surprised the coach as I had good technique and was strong. ... so i mean that's fun. Compared to last time when I knew I was bad at squats and was reminded of the fact. But ill keep practising at the things im bad at, that's the only way to get better!
If only crossfit wasn't so expensive I would definitely get a card there but of course I don't even know how my spring looks so I can't pay for a year's training there. Now I have 5 more crossfit lessons and I am so glad that I dared step outside of my comfort zone and try it!. Hopefully I can sleep tonight, usually when I workout in the evenings I get so much energy and find it harder to sleep ^-^
I hope you have all had a lovely day and have a great rest of the week :)
It is tough because the truth is, the only way to get better is to face your fears. The compulsions and fears holding you back, you need to face them. Even if that feels like running into a brick wall, eventually that brick wall will disappear and you will realise on the other side is much better, but you just need to break down that wall. It might feel impossible and you might not want to break down that wall because you dont know what is on the other side. It is not always roses and unicorns on the other side, but it will definitely be better when you learn to love yourself and most importantly, learn to cope with life.
Recovery is about learning to cope and facing your fears. If you are scared to gain the last few kilo then ask yourself why that scares you and what you can do to overcome that fear? What is the worst thing that can happen? If you are scared of takinga restday and think that your body will expand and you will gain 5kg overnight ask yourself is that actually reality or just a fear? What will happen if you rest... even if it may feel like the anxiety is eating you up from the inside, it wont kill you. However your eating disorder will.
If you think you arent sick enough or not underweight enough (or even if you arent underweight at all) that doesnt mean you arent sick. There is no sick enough, an eating disorder is a mental illness and you can still struggle even if you have a healthy weight. You need to realise that if you are struggling with food, compensating for eating or feeling very guilty before/during/after food then that is not normal and you need help.
I wish there was a magic cure, but there isnt. It is about facing fears and being able to cope with the anxiety and all the while knowing that each time you face your fears and fight your eating disoder, YOU become stronger. It gets easier and even if you relapse, you can still pick yourself back up and keep fighting, that is what you need to do.
Know your fears and ask yourself do you want to let them control you forever? What is the worst thing that can happen if you go against your eating disorder?
I know it can feel like being fat or overweight are even worse than death, but just think about how silly that sounds. You wont be fat by gaining a few kilo and in the end, fat is NOT a bad word. It is a definition, just like skinny, tall or short. Fat is not a bad word, everyone has fat on their bodies. Just like everyone has hair, and nails and fingers and legs, but that doesnt make you ugly or something that repulses you. So why would having fat on your body repulse you? It is nothing to be repulsed by, it is how your body keeps you ALIVE, warm and functioning, and that is a fear you need to overcome if you are scared of body fat.
And the number on the scale, it is just a number. That number does not matter, what matters is that you are healthy and functioning, both mentally and physically. There is so much more to life than calories, macros and weight. You need to realise these things, realise that your eating disorder is holding you back from life and truly living. But the only way to get back your life is to overcome the fears and things holding you back. No one else can do that for you. It is tough and it might feel impossible, but it isnt impossible. You CAN recover but then you need to decide that you want to and need to recover. It is an everyday choice, a choice you make at every meal time. A choice you make when you know you could skip a meal or you know you could exercise or you know you could purge. It is a choice you make when you havea choice between your eating disorder and real life, and you need to make the choice that will give you more life.
It is tough and i wish that i could help you all, i wish that i could just make you all understand but i know that that isnt easy. It was super difficult for me to understand the things i now know, it was a process of learning from mistakes and daring to make a change. Daring to go against my eating disorder and basically jumping into the darkness. I did not know what awaited me. I did now know what would happen after recovery but i thought it has to be better than an eating disorder. It was tough and there was times it was easier to not choose recovery, but i knew i had to because if i choose my ED just once again i would give it strength to grow again, when it was ME who had to grow and become stronger.
You need to recover for yourself, for your own life and know that the fears are keeping you back from living. What is the worst thing that can happen? Most fears are often just irrational and can be overcome and they have to be overcome by YOU, no one else can make you overcome your fears. And no one can make you recover, you need to be the one recovering for yourself.
I already gained about 7-8 kg, and my treatment staff are ready to let me go from the clinic, but I would like to gain the last 2-3 kg (I actually need to gain 5 kg to not be underweight, but my goal weight is set on this). I really, really want to gain these kg, but still when I think about it the anxiety just hits me so hard. I have a "skinny body type" if that makes sense (don't know how to explain othewise in English), so I do have a hard time getting weight even though I eat completely fine. Do you have any advice concerning reaching these last kg? It is just so easy to tell yourself, that it is not necessary, and you are just fine now, because you are no way near the dangerous weight, you were earlier.
First of all i want to say that it is great that you want to gain those last few kilos :) And it sounds very strange that the clinic is letting you go even though you need to gain weight? As you have a skinny body type, you will always be skinng/lean so these last few kilos wont affect your body so much, but it will do alot of good for your mental health, energy and if you havent already you might get your period back. Gaining 2-3kg wont be noticable on your body, so dont worry about that.
Gaining the last few kilos can be considered the hardest to gain, because your body has now adapted to the amount of calories which you have been eating. So it means you have to eat even more, which can be tough.
Back in 2012 i was in the same situation as you, i had to gain 3-4kg to reach my goal weight, but it scared me alot, for any different reasons. And i was still struggling with my body image, and at times i felt fat and then i thought if i felt fat now, how will i feel when i have reached my goal weight.
My body was also so used to how much i was eating so it took a lot of energy to gain weight, infact it took me more than 6 months to just try to gain those few kilos.
When i reached my goal weight i got my period back, i felt happier and healthier, all of my ED thoughts were gone - something which i had been working alot with, trying to be positive, challenge myself etc. And i felt happy in my body!
So to gain the last few kilos you need to eat more, or if you are active, it can help to decrease your activity amount.
You can add things like extra oil, butter or cream while cooking. Eating extra nuts or avocado on bread is great. Or adding oil, avocado, nuts, cheese and dressing to salads. Eating more and/or extra dessert! Drinking juice/milk with all your meals. Bigger portions for lunch and dinner. Bigger snacks. Choosing fullfat products.
Even things like making smoothies/milkshakes with yoghurt/milk/icecream/cream and berries/fruit/oats etc, making pancakes or muffins and eating them with peanut butter/whipped cream/chocolate sauce/nuts/berries/fruit/nutella etc etc Are good ways to eat delicious food and also get energy into you :)
And if they are fear foods, then your also challenging yourself, which is necessary in recovery.
Its tough to gain the last few kilos and i know ti can feel unneccessary, but it is needed!!! So do your best to gain the weight, and if you are no longer going to treatment then start living life again, doing things you enjoy, that can make it easier when youre not just focusing on gaining wieght, but doing fun things as well :)
After a long and restless night sleep where my dream/nightmare was filled with dark clouds, running from strange things, trying to find places and not able to breathe underwater, it was definitely nice to wake up and no longer be stuck in that weird nightmare. Sometimes reality is better, especially when you have the power to control your reality - somewhat anyway. Life cant really be controlled but i can atleast make the decision to make today a good day and try to be happy. Seeing the positive and trying to be happy can make any situation somewhat better!
So i started my day with a huge heap of pills to take, so many pills that it fills me up as i need to drink 2-3 glasses of water to get them all down. Its also time to start with 2 types of antiobiotics today.... usch, they always affect me so negatively both physically and mentally. I become an emotional wreck when i take them and my stomach is bloated and in pain as well as bad skin.... but thats what i got to live with i guess, it could be worse!!
Then it was breakfast time and some computer time and only now do i feel that i want to write a post. Lacking the creativity of blogging today and i have many questions i am planning to answer, and i will try to get around to them. But that is best done when the spark of creativity hits :)
Today I am going to do some stretch, felixibility and mobility work at the gym. I would say it is an easy workout, but i am pretty sure it wont be because i dont work on those things so much. I am naturally sort of flexible so stretching isnt so hard, but doing the same thing over and over, of course it isnt hard.... so now time to do some different things and work on improvements in technique and such and maybe some foam rolling as well, that can be a benefit even if it is a love/hate thing!
And my final point.... this is basically just a journal right now, hahah XD I am not sure if i mentioned this or not, but i have decided on the cake i want to make for my birthday and i am super excited!! I just want to make it now, but i think i am going to make it on Friday and then we are going to eat a birthday/celebration dinner on Saturday. Though of course when it comes to me and cakes i cant make a simple chocolate cake, that is too boring for me. If i could i would make 3 bigger than normal cakes just because, but i am settling with one big cake where there is an 80% chance that everything will go wrong XD But i am willing to take my chances and i really really hope it doesnt go wrong, because if it turns out good, it can definitely be good. And hopefully taste good, but i am more excited about making it look good, or more look different and trying a new type of fun cake idea!!! :) Though i wont post pictures of it until my birthday, i dont think... so you will have to wait 6 days, haha.
I dont know how i feel about my birthday, excited... but not really. It's on a Monday and i will be up before everyone else and wont be home until the afternoon and then my mum is working in the evening and my step dad will be going to the yoga class and my sister doesnt come home until late, so it wont be much celebration on my actual birthday. Which is kind of nice in a way, but at the same time i want there to be something special about the day!! But i am sure i will find some way to make it special!! :)
How do you like to celebrate your birthday? Do you do anything special on your birthday or do you treat it just like a normal day? :)
Also, is anyone else excited for Christmas... I am :):) I cant wait!!